09x03 - High on the Corporate Ladder

[bunniefuu]

Yay, you made it.

Thanks for coming by, Dad.

Hey.

Well, this better be good.

- You know how I feel about the drug trade.

- Hmm.

Especially when I'm heading home to get a beer.

Quit complaining, the shop is right on your way home.

Well, so is Gymboree.

Don't see me stopping by there to practice my dismounts.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you're gonna flip when you see this.

(LAUGHS)

Look.

Uh, Ryan made Bud's Buds Denver's Fastest Growing Independent Dispensary.

Wow, they're not kidding around.

That thing's, uh, made out of real mahogany.

Getting noticed, huh?

You know what's next.

Big Cannabis will try to shut you down.

Oh, yeah.

Like stealing my ideas?

- Trust me, they already are.

- Ah.

And you know what, it's fine, 'cause I work for myself.

I'm nimble.

I don't have to deal with, like, - a thousand pointless meetings a day...

Oh.

- (PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

- I got to go pick up Evelyn.

- You're going over to my house?

Why didn't you just bring the plaque there?

Great idea.

I'll show Mom.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, you-you stay here.

Just, you know, talk to Ryan.

What?

Okay.

Thanks.

Sorry.

One of my delivery guys.

I swear to God, it would just be easier - for me to deliver it myself.

- Hey.

This is what happens when the business starts taking off.

Yeah, it reminds me, when our business took off, - Ed and I realized...

- (PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

No, no.

It's North Pearl Street, not South Pearl Street.

That's not even in your delivery area.

Right, so we hired this young guy that we c...

Do you got a minute?

We c...

I'm just kidding.

I hung up.

I just really like doing this to you.

Wow.

Haven't lost your delightful sense of humor.

Um, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?

Uh, I wouldn't mind getting some advice on how you and Ed handled Outdoor Man when it started to take off, 'cause this is really starting to wear me down.

(MOUTHS)

You're not even holding a phone.

I know, but you're right.

This is really fun.

This...

Trust me, I would only ask advice of my mentor when I really needed it.

What did you call me?

My mentor.

Oh, hell no, no, no, no, no, no.

A mentor is somebody who takes a real interest in your career.

Exactly.

You know, if I was to hustle to Gymboree, I could get in that parachute circle before the afternoon rush.

♪♪ VANESSA: What's wrong? You know wh...

G-Get this.

Today, Ryan, he said he thinks of me as his mentor.

Well, yeah, y-you kind of are.

You're always giving him advice.

No.

That's called criticism.

Well, embrace it.

Look, I do as a teacher, which is basically a mentor who buys her own chalk.

(LAUGHS)

I don't want to do this.

It's tutoring a grown man for free.

If I was a mentor, I'd tell somebody, "Don't do that".

All right, you know what?

Let-let me, let me tell you a story.

Oh.

I think I need more drumsticks.

No, look...

One time, a student asked me to be her mentor...

- Mm-hmm.

- ...

and I didn't want to do it, so I passed her off to another colleague.

Well, that teacher did a bad job, and the girl completely lost interest in science.

- Well, what happened to her?

- I-I wish I knew.

But I never heard from her again.

You gave me a great idea, though.

That's a great idea.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Good.

Well...

(CHUCKLES)

Once a teacher, always a teacher.

- Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)

I'm just gonna pass off my problem - to some other sucker.

- What?

No, no, that...

That's not what my story was about.

Wow, wow, wow.

Are your stories always this smart?

I've got to work harder at not tuning you out.

Just...

(IMITATES BEEP)

MANDY: You ready to go? Uh, yeah, almost, uh...

Remember how, last week, when my computer crashed?

Well, Mr. Alzate gave me a brand-new one.

It doesn't look new.

Well, that's because it's not.

Now, if I only knew the password.

Uh, maybe it's this?

"Ed- - - "?

(KEYS CLICKING)

Hey, it worked.

With our brainpower, what can't we do?

Hey, what's this file?

"Do not open".

Hey, let's open that.

No.

If you, if you don't want someone to open something, you write, "Do not open".

- (KEY CLICKS)

- Oops, too late.

Uh, "Bucket List".

Aw, man, I wanted it to be something good.

Like everyone's salary.

Or their weight.

No, these are all the things that Mr. Alzate still wants to do.

"Run a K, learn Mandarin, stop swearing".

Wow.

He hasn't done any of these.

Yeah, that explains why he cussed at me today, and it was not in Mandarin.

Mandy, we should help Mr. Alzate accomplish everything on this list.

But he's so grouchy.

No, but-but he's always there for us any time we need anything.

The least we can do is help him accomplish his dreams.

No, I'm already raising a toddler.

I don't want to raise an -year-old.

The puppy dog eyes?

Okay, fine.

You are making a giant ham sandwich.

Yep.

Also known as your victory sandwich.

Yep.

Your idea about pushing Ryan off to another mentor, that was a great idea.

No, no, no.

Do not pin that on me.

- Mm.

- That was not my idea.

- Mike, no.

- Listen, listen.

Talked to Dave Elliot...

he was so impressed with Ryan he also wants to buy Bud's Buds, right?

So put that in your hash pipe and smoke it.

Wait, so...

So, if he buys Bud's Buds, then-then what happens to Ryan's job?

Oh, keeps the job.

More support.

And I don't have to keep that store anymore, so I k*lled two birds with one stone.

VANESSA: Hmm.

So, my idea wasn't just good, it was great.

It really wasn't your idea, was it?

- (CHUCKLES)

- No, it was.

It was, and that is technically my victory sandwich.

Damn it.

What the hell did you do?

You've ruined Ryan's life.

Oh, that was your mother's idea.

What do you mean "ruined his life"?

I think the words you're looking for is "thank" and "you".

Your buddy Dave Elliot called this morning.

Yeah.

I sent him a note with the two words in it, "thank" and "you".

Turns out he doesn't want Ryan to run the new Bud's Buds.

No, he wants him to be his regional sales director - in the corporate offices.

- (LAUGHS)

How long did it take for Ryan to say "Go to hell" to that?

(LAUGHS)

He didn't.

He wants to take it.

Hold on.

Ryan wants to work in a corporate office?

That's like a...

like a dog on a surfboard.

It just doesn't look right.

Th-This job will make Ryan miserable.

Well, it could be worse.

He could be somebody's mentor.

Hey, Mr. Alzate.

You ready for your power walk?

No, no way.

No, we did that yesterday.

And I only went because I thought you were throwing me a surprise party.

Well, surprise.

Another power walk.

I have a better idea.

You tell me where you're going, and I'll meet you there in my Bentley, all right?

All right, we'll give you today off, but that means two power walks tomorrow.

Before you know it, you'll be able to run a K.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you K to leave me alone.

- Deal.

- Uh, uh, no.

No deal, no deal.

Uh, but we'll see you tomorrow, which is míngtian in Mandarin.

(CHUCKLES)

For the record, I'll leave you alone for a hundred bucks.

I-I don't know what they're doing.

They want me to run a K, learn Mandarin and stop swearing.

What the... ?

Wait.

H-Hang on.

Didn't you just give Kyle - your old computer?

- Yes.

W-Well, that used to be my computer.

(LAUGHS)

They found my old bucket list and think it's yours.

I never saw that.

Oh, uh, that's because I marked it "Do not open".

I see.

You should have marked it "Top Ten Shoe Inserts".

And you're the security guy?

I can't believe they did that.

You know what?

I have access to everyone's computer through the network.

I'm gonna create a new folder on Kyle's.

- Bucket list number two?

- (LAUGHS)

Yep.

And this one I'll mark, "Really, really do not open".

(LAUGHS)

Well, uh, name something you always wanted to do, Ed.

Well, I've never seen Shakespeare in the Park.

Aha.

Well, well, how about, uh, Shakespeare in the office?

- (CHUCKLES)

- Ooh.

"To do or not to do, there is no trying".

Uh, that's not Shakespeare; that's Star Wars. (ENGLISH ACCENT): I know.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Impressive.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Republican headquarters.

Probably put the wrong app on my phone.

Hello, Mike.

Hey, there.

Heard about the new job offer.

Pretty exciting news.

Thanks.

Yeah, it was actually pretty gratifying.

And you know what?

I owe it all to my mentor.

Right.

Dave Elliot.

Perfect guy for the job.

- No.

You're always gonna be my mentor.

- Hmm.

No, but it was cool.

Dave said, uh, "I really like what you're doing, and I want you on my team".

(LAUGHS)

Something you never heard in high school.

I accept that men of Mike's generation display affection through mockery.

I will not be hurt by his ridicule.

Hey, you know what I like about you?

You're a man who knows who he is.

Wow.

Thank you.

It's actually rather annoying.

Um...

Do you recall Boyd's th birthday party?

You were the only one that wouldn't wear one of those silly hats.

Look, I am not gonna wear something that both mocks and appropriates the traditional bashlyk hat of the Turkic peoples.

And who would, right?

You're a nonconformist.

Uh, annoyingly nonconformist.

Okay, is there a point to all this?

'Cause your affection is really starting to hurt my self-esteem.

Do you know what corporations don't like about nonconformists?

Is that they're nonconformist.

You know what they do with nonconformists?

They make them conform.

Yeah, I know.

Let me put it this way.

I think taking this job is a really bad idea.

I disagree.

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

Let's say I'm your mentor.

As your mentor, I'm telling you don't take the job, don't do it.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

- What-what's going on here?

- Okay, look.

During the pandemic, I saw people lose everything they had.

Hardworking small businessmen like me just...

wiped out.

I am not gonna let that happen to my family.

- You have never done better.

- Yeah, sure.

Now.

But I think what the pandemic showed us is we can't count on anything.

This is about security for your family.

I respect that.

Damn it.

You're gonna have to tell Kris.

I did.

I couldn't convince her.

Why not?

You convinced me.

I have no idea.

She wouldn't say.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

When they don't say...

BOTH: It's really bad.

- Hey, love.

- Hey.

Let me ask you a question.

When you're unhappy with me but won't tell me why, what are you really mad at?

Oh, dear God, what have you done?

It's not about me.

This is about Ryan.

- Okay, what did "Ryan" do?

- (CHUCKLES)

He told me that Kris is unhappy about his new job but she won't tell him why.

(GROANS)

Well, if she won't tell him, must be...

BOTH: Really bad.

Why don't you talk to her?

Oh, no.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Look, i-if this is something that Kris isn't even comfortable sharing with her husband, then-then maybe we should respect that.

I'll go halfway with you.

I'll respect it, you talk to her.

(LAUGHS): You know...

you know when I'm upset with you and I won't tell you why?

It's usually because you're trying to manipulate me.

Uh-huh.

How would I manipulate a loving mother who only cares about her family and wouldn't even sleep at night unless her children were...

Oh, damn it, you know, you are an evil, evil man.

You are a wonderful woman.

All right, stop.

You got what you wanted.

Get out.

Go.

Just get out.

Go.

- Out, out!

Get out.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I haven't heard from Kyle this morning.

You think he opened the file?

Well, let me take a look.

(SINGING FANFARE)

Oh, my goodness!

(LAUGHS)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got to make sure the security cameras are getting all this.

Kind gentlemen and gentlewomen, gather round.

We present for ye a merry play.

- Ooh...

- This is incredible.

Incredible.

Having Shakespeare performed at the office is on my bucket list.

Yes, you have always talked about that.

Then so be it.

We present for ye the tale of Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers who die at...

Pretend you didn't hear that.

Uh, but don't get too attached to them.

- (CHUCK CHORTLES)

- Look at that.

Look at that.

O Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love.

I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.

Ah!

Why doth tuggeth at thy dress, milady?

Uh, 'tis itchy, and it haveth B.O.

Kyle, where did you get this?

Well, I got it from my friend Josh.

He works at Medieval Buffet.

The, uh...

the girl who sells turkey legs from a horse wears it.

What?!

Ew.

That's what I'm smelling?

I am not wearing this.

No, no, no, no, just wear it until after the death scene.

I mean...

Dang it!

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

All right, just so you understand, this last part was not written by Shakespeare.

In his version, she likes her dress.

Hers wasn't covered in turkey juice.

Just wear it for a little bit longer.

- You look beautiful.

- Why don't you try it on?

I would love to see how you feel in it.

Okay, that's enough.

Enough, enough, enough.

- That's okay.

Please.

- What do you mean?

This really wasn't on my bucket list.

This is just a prank.

Yeah, I put that file on your computer - after I found out you guys were snooping.

- Yes.

(LAUGHS): That's really funny.

I might have scabies!

I'm-I'm really sorry, Mr.Alzate.

We thought we were supporting someone we care about.

Our deepest apologies.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Wow, you are really good at that.

Yeah, it's a surprisingly easy language to learn.

It's just a series of pictures that mean phrases that then turn into words that you memorize and draw.

I'll tell you, I-I was a little irritated at first, but I'm really touched about how much trouble you went through to do this for me.

Aw, it wasn't any trouble.

No trouble?

This dress is alive!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Mom.

Hi.

- Hey.

Hey.

I wasn't expecting you.

Uh, now that you're here, uh, would you mind staying with the baby so I can go to a bar and get drunk?

Oh, come on, honey, you don't want to do that.

Look.

I brought wine.

Aha, your, uh, conversation starter kit.

Yeah.

I want to talk about Ryan's new job.

Yeah, well, I don't, so we're not.

- Well, I do, so we are.

- Mom, no.

I really...

I don't feel like talking about it.

Well, I'm not leaving until we do, so...

Mom, I don't want to talk about it, 'cause you're gonna think I'm a terrible person.

Honey, I am your mother.

I have seen you in good situations and bad, and I can say that I have never and will never think that you are a terrible person.

Fine.

I don't want Ryan to take the corporate job because...

You're afraid he's gonna hate it.

No.

I'm afraid he's gonna love it.

Go on.

I'm afraid he's gonna love it and he's gonna love it so much that he changes.

And-and I don't know who he's gonna change into.

Wh-What if we grow apart?

What-what if...

What if we're not good enough for him anymore?

Wh-What if I'm not enough?

(CHUCKLES)

Terrible person, right?

(SIGHS)

Well, if...

if you're a terrible person, then so am I.

Go on.

When, uh, when I was younger, I fell in love with a hippie who was knocking on doors for McGovern.

Then he d*ed and you met Dad?

(LAUGHS): Kind of.

Yeah.

Yeah, and after we got married and-and had kids, uh, your father's priorities changed.

And that scared you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whenever somebody you love changes, it's, uh, it's scary.

I, uh...

I didn't know who your father was gonna become.

How did you deal with that?

I talked to him.

How am I supposed to have that conversation?

I mean, Ryan is doing this for us.

How am I gonna make it about me?

But, honey, no, no, no, no.

It is about you.

It's about you and it's about him and it's about your family.

And the only way you can get through that is you guys have to talk.

You have to.

(QUIET LAUGH)

You're right.

You're right.

I love you.

I love you.

Oh.

Really, Mom, one bottle?

(LAUGHS)

Well, now that the swelling has gone down...

(CLEARS THROAT)

... you have to admit, it was a really great prank, Ed.

- You really got us.

- Well, it was still appreciated.

No easy task to tackle Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, it was so hard.

Can you imagine if Shakespeare had been written in English?

I'll tell you what, it is itchy in any language.

Well, it is English, Kyle.

- It's written in verse.

- Hmm?

But what do I know?

I'm just a Marine.

It's all I can do to remember the Pledge of Allegiance, you know?

On that, I bid you all adieu.

Okay, I'm not sure what that means, but if you're leaving, we're right behind you.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll lock up.

- I got this.

- Good night.

Good night.

(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLES)

"Alas, poor Yorick".

(LAUGHS)

"I knew him, Horatio.

A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

He hath borne me on his back a thousand times.

Here hung those lips that I kissed I know not how oft.

Where be your gibes now?

Your gambols?

Your songs?

Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the..." Hey!

Hey.

Just 'cause I'm a Marine doesn't mean, uh, we didn't have a talent show every once in a while.

- You know?

- Yeah!

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)