06x05 - Hair Care Products

[bunniefuu]

So Glenn's still on self-quarantine for another week, but he wanted me to relay that he misses you all and he sends everyone his biggest, warmest hug.

If anyone wants to report that for harassment, I encourage you to do so.

I'm assuming we're in health and beauty because the raccoons finally claimed the warehouse.

I like it here.

It smells like confident women.

We are here to right an injustice.

Effective immediately, Cloud 9 will no longer keep Black haircare products in locked cases.

Wait, why are those locked up?

Can you huff them, or is it more like a butt thing?

Oh, a butt thing?

No, I think it's because they think Black people are gonna steal them.

Yeah, we have to ask for the key.

It's like a walk of shame every time you need argon oil.

Wait, seriously?

That was store policy?

That you had to humiliate yourself just to get the...

al...

al...

almond?

- The...

- What was it called?

The almond oil.

- Almond.

- That's so messed up.

Yup, that was pretty cool of corporate to fix it.

Oh, yeah, it takes a lot of courage to make a gesture this small this late in the game.

Look, the important thing is it ends today.

You know, I thought my legacy as acting manager was gonna be the new forklift pallet clamp, but turns out it's racial justice.

So...

okay, Ken, do you wanna do the honors?

Oh!

Six-foot bubble, everybody.

And watch your fingers.

I just had these sharpened.

Ken, on the count of three, you're gonna bolt cut us into the 21st century.

Two, three.

Or, you know, since we put the lock there, maybe we have the key.

Less ceremonial, but fine.

Oh, that's my house key.

This one's Gram Gram's skate rink.

This is my Orangetheory locker.

Ah, yeah, key to the r*cist lock.

Whoo-hoo!

Wow, so this is what equality feels like.

♪ Amazing ♪

- ♪ Grace ♪

- Okay.

- Mm-mm, no.

- ♪ How sweet ♪

Come on, everybody!

Pretty big day, huh?

Justice, one.

Racism, zero.

I'm not sure that's the score.

You do realize the hair products thing isn't the end of racism.

It's not even the end of racism in the store.

Oh, is this because Karen started here last week?

Because she's willing to go by Jill.

What... no.

Don't you think it's messed up that we've never had a Black district manager?

Or that the employee handbook limits our hair length to three inches... in diameter?

That basically means no afros.

I guess I just never thought about any of this stuff.

I mean, you've never brought it up before.

It's not my job to call out every r*cist thing I come up against.

It's my job to announce sales and pretend not to notice when people return used swimsuits.

Yeah, you know, this is actually exactly what we're talking about in my anti-racism book club.

We have the luxury of not having to think about racism because it doesn't directly affect our lives.

I would love to never hear about that book club again, but he's right.

Well, let's do something about it.

You're gonna hold a meeting, and you're gonna compile a list of all the r*cist stuff that corporate needs to talk about.

- I'm gonna hold a meeting?

- Oh, right, sorry.

I forgot you don't like to lead.

You prefer to sit to the side and make snarky comments

- like a balcony Muppet.

- Well, I could do it.

- No, no, no, I can do it.

- Yeah, no, of course.

You should.

You totally...

That's a great idea.

I was just trying to help.

I...

I promise I wasn't trying to, like, lead or anything.

I should decenter myself and start listening.

- You're still talking.

- Yeah, yeah, decentering, yup.

Okay, so I'll borrow Eric's movie projector.

And we already have, like, 10 camping chairs, so that should be enough for everybody.

Ooh, this is gonna be so fun!

The last time I saw an outdoor movie, I was on shrooms, and it turned out to just be a Steak 'n Shake menu.

- Oh, my God.

- Hey, guys.

What's up?

Nothing.

Uh, we were just...

talk...

talking about Europe and how crazy it is over there right now.

Politics.

- Well...

- Should we feel bad for not inviting her?

Yeah, I guess?

I bet she just sits at home all day running to the window whenever she hears a car.

So...

should we invite her?

Aw, that would be so nice of us.

- She'll probably cry.

- Totally.

It'll be like Christmas for her.

Hey.

Hey, Garrett.

It's me, Glenn.

Yeah, I can see you.

So I heard about the Black hair care products, and I feel horrible.

I guess I just never paid attention to those products because most of my Black friends are bald.

By most, do you mean me?

No, I have six others.

I don't know if they're drawn to me or me to them, but...

Anyway, the point is I'm just so sorry.

And I wish there was something I could do to make it up to the Black employees.

Any ideas?

Uh, for how to apologize to Black people?

- Mm-hmm.

- Glenn, look, I'm really busy.

- I got this meeting coming up...

- I just feel terrible!

You gotta help me make this right.

Oh, and for the record, I am willing to take a knee anywhere.

- Thanks, Garrett.

- Yeah, bye.

Hey, Sandra.

Guess what?

I don't like to guess anymore.

- My mind's too dirty.

- Oh!

Okay, we're hosting an outdoor movie night and we want you to come.

It's this Friday at 7:00.

Bring a camping chair and a blanket.

But not Jerry.

We're not running a charity.

Oh, um, thanks for the invite, but I don't feel comfortable going.

Aw, because you're not used to being invited to places?

No, it's just...

I noticed you guys are pretty caszh with your COVID safety.

- What, us?

- What?

In your Instagram post, you're not wearing your masks.

You just have the bandana tied around your necks.

Yeah, so people can see our smiles.

They need them now more than ever.

Right, I just think I'd be too anxious if I went, but thanks for the invite.

- Is she saying we're not clean?

- I think so.

Should we start a rumor that she has hepatitis?

No.

Not yet.

Uh, I think it's good that the store has unlocked the Black hair products, but I thought we'd make a list of the other issues corporate needs to address.

You mean like how we still sell products with r*cist mascots?

Ooh, yes, that's a good one!

Write that one down.

Okay, that's a weird energy to bring to this, but okay.

How about some new options in our vending machines?

There are three rows of sour cream and onion chips, and no jalapeño.

Okay, guys, so this list is to come up with issues that are affecting Black customers and employees.

Well, that one affects me, my brother, because I hate sour cream and onion.

Yeah, but that's more of a you thing, not a Black thing.

I'm pretty sure that's a Black thing.

Uh, raise your hand if you are Black and you like sour cream and onion?

- I like sour cream.

- That's not the question.

It has to be sour cream and onion.

Devil's combo.

Show of hands?

Hands up?

Mm-hmm, yup.

- Prosecution rests.

- Okay, that doesn't prove...

Look, I don't know who's right on this, but I think it might be easier if you just wrote it down.

So we have two ideas to send to corporate a list of snacks that the Black people in this room don't like.

Every room, Garrett.

Okay, does anybody have anything actually useful?

Uh, I...

I think it might be helpful if...

oh, sorry.

Nia, did you want to say something?

- No?

- Are you sure?

Because I don't want to make this about me if you've got something.

I don't want to make it about you either, but I don't have anything.

Okay, uh...

okay, so look.

I think it's great that we're trying to fight these r*cist policies, but I also think that we should be pitching actively anti-r*cist policies as well.

Yeah, like asking corporate to sell more products from Black-owned businesses.

I was just gonna say that!

Cool, let's all give credit to Jonah for Janet's idea.

No, no.

That's...

That's going on the list, Janet.

I think a lot of us wanna help, but we just have blind spots when it comes to this stuff.

I mean, when I was growing up, we were told the goal was to not see race.

Okay, see, I don't know who started telling white people that.

I'm assuming it was other white people, but you shouldn't ignore race.

You should be aware of how being Black affects our daily lives.

Wait, you're Black?

I thought you were Dominican.

What?

No.

You're not even a little Dominican?

- Like Puerto Rican?

- That's...

not how it works.

But Garrett's right.

We're dealing with micro aggressions all the time.

Yeah, like certain employees always asking to touch my hair.

I'm not naming names, but if I were, they'd be Isaac.

I'm sorry.

Your hair looks fun.

- What?

- Dude.

- Really?

- Okay, fine.

Janet, your hair doesn't look fun.

Is that better?

It looks like a bad time.

No, her hair looks amazing.

How about Justine trying to sound Blacker when she talks to Black people?

Oh, that's how you gon' do me?

Uh, I've experienced a ton of anti-Asian racism since corona started.

Yeah, customers have said some really terrible stuff to us.

I've been getting that too, and I'm Hawaiian.

Well, you look Asian to white people, so don't go thinking you're cleaner than us.

Yeah, we're the cleanest people here.

I'm sick of everybody acting like all Black people have it worse than white people.

Like, look at Will Smith.

His life is way better than mine, and our debut albums came out the same year.

Isaac, I guarantee, all things being equal, racism is harder for Black people than it is for you.

Go on, tell them about how your life is harder because you're Black.

Wait till you hear this.

I think it's gonna be pretty bad.

Wow, really?

Um...

Uh, okay.

So a couple weeks ago, I bought a Nintendo Switch.

A white dude follows me through the parking lot and goes, "You got a receipt for that?" White dudes.

So this is the kind of stuff we're working to address with this list.

Uh-uh, forget the list.

We can get back to the list.

The personal stories are breaking through.

Give us another one.

So you just want me to tell more stories about messed up stuff that happened to me 'cause I'm Black?

Exactly.

Hit us with a big one!

Fine, okay.

r*cist story time.

Gather around, everybody.

Oh, whoa!

No, no, no!

Don't actually scoot in.

Man, I just wanted to change a couple r*cist policies.

I didn't sign up to teach a bunch of grown ass white people - about racism.

- Seriously.

It's like, come on, folks.

We're living in a golden age of podcasts.

Hey, you left the list in the warehouse.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, thanks.

But, uh, I'm not doing this anymore.

Oh.

Okay.

Look, it's pointless, all right?

You're new here, so you don't get it, but to change anything around here is a lost cause.

I mean, just look at Jonah.

He tried to start a union.

He ended up throwing away a whole year of his life.

Well, I did learn some things.

But, uh, yeah...

no, yeah, it's...

it was...

- I wasted that year.

- I don't know.

I mean, it seems like things are actually gaining some momentum.

Might as well try to change some of that stuff, right?

Be my guest.

Okay, so once again, Black women are the ones everybody expects to drive social change.

So true.

Okay, fine.

I will do the rest of the list.

Cool.

Did you have to snap?

In the moment, it felt wrong not to snap.

Have a heavenly day.

For your information, Sandra, Cheyenne and I are very clean.

Yeah, I shower after every poo.

And this movie night is gonna be just as hygienic as we are.

All the chairs are gonna be six feet apart and we're gonna have a bunch of hand sanitizer.

Cool.

Well, let me know how it goes.

And, uh, we are going to be checking people's temperatures every 10 minutes.

Mm-hmm, and we're gonna be digging a hole for everyone to sit in so the germs don't get out.

What do you say?

Should we save you a...

a hole?

Look, it's nothing personal.

People just have different comfort levels around this stuff, but you guys have fun.

Rude.

I know.

She's the worst.

She's coming to this [bleep] movie.

And how can we pull out all sorts of decorations for Saint Patrick's Day, and we don't do anything for Juneteenth?

Leprechauns were never slaves.

Mm-hmm, except to their own greed.

Yo, we gotta put MC Cool Cloud on the list, right?

I mean, that's clearly appropriation.

I don't know.

I don't think he's trying to act Black.

I just think he is Black.

- But it's a white cloud.

- So what?

White clouds can't be Black?

Black people can't be clouds?

Dude, he was created by a group of white executives who are clearly obsessed with LL Cool J.

I'm sick of looking at it.

It's going on the list.

Hey, sorry.

Uh, Glenn wants to talk to you.

Hey, Garrett!

You weren't picking up your phone, so Jonah helped Demetrius and me track you down.

I'm Demetrius.

I'd shake your hand, but there's a virus going around.

Yeah, I heard about that.

What's going on?

Well, you never got back to me with your apology ideas, so I decided to buy pizzas for all the Black employees.

Did you know that this was what this was about?

In my heart, I feel like I might have.

So...

as reparations for the hair care products, you got us pizza?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, pizza's better than nothing.

- Mm-hmm.

- What?

And Garrett, you're pizza deputy, so make sure that every Black employee gets some pizza.

And if there are any borderline calls, well, you get final say.

Uh, Glenn, I can't do this.

Look, you're having pizza.

I insist.

So start rounding up the Black people.

Oh, I mean...

uh, just send them a text!

What's good, y'all?

It's your boy, Kenan Bravo.

I'm just over here having a little work pizza.

Make that free work pizza!

And here's the guy we have to thank.

The MLK of the PZA.

No, no, not thanks to me.

I don't want any part of this.

Don't want any pizza.

Okayzzles, more pizza for me, then.

Hashtag "boom." Hashtag "pizza for life." Hashtag "in crust, we trust." Forced pizza party.

Going on the list.

I don't know, even with the word "forced," pizza party only ever sounds awesome.

- I know.

- Hey, Garrett.

Me and, um, some of the others were wondering if we could get in on this pizza party.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

- It's, uh...

- I know.

It's a Black thing.

But you don't know what's it like for guys like me.

Like when I'm mowing my own lawn, people think I'm the gardener.

I mean, they don't say, "Hey, gardener," but I know they're thinking it.

You know what?

Go ahead.

- Go ahead.

- Thank you.

- Sarah, you're up.

- Sarah?

So when I was eight, all the white kids came up with a chant that went, "Sarah, Sarah, you're so brown..." Okay, okay, I don't wanna be the racism pizza judge.

Just go ahead.

Have some pizza.

- What about me?

- Oh, yeah.

You're good.

You're good.

I hear the pizza's from Polini's.

Oh, man, that place is legit.

That where my parents took me to tell me about their divorce.

Oh, hey, guys.

Sorry.

The pizza's actually just for our employees of color.

The break room is kind of a safe space - for historically marginalized...

- No whites allowed!

b*at it!

So unfair.

I wonder if that was the best way to say that.

I think I nailed it.

I just don't understand why she wouldn't even, like...

I know.

I know.

What...

oh.

Oh!

Just keeping everything sterile!

I'm, like, so OCD about this stuff.

Oh, is that bug spray?

Yes!

It is.

A virus is a bug, Sandra.

Just cleaning my hands.

Like always.

Guys, I know what you're doing, but it's okay.

- I'm not judging you...

- Okay, let's cut the crap.

Are you not coming because of Cheyenne?

- What?

- You think she's dirty because she's married to Bo and they live in that filthy house?

You know, Bo's not dirty.

Ringworm runs in his family!

Well, then it's a dirty family!

It's a genetic condition.

A condition called not washing his body.

Oh, my God, you clearly don't know anything about ringworm.

Ignorant...

ow!

Where do you think ringworm comes from?

I got sanitizer in my eye.

It burns!

I love how pizza is, like, the bread.

And then, the sauce.

And then, like, the cheese puts it all together.

Yeah, mmm.

Is this your first time having pizza?

Shh, there's girls here.

There they are!

Thanks, Demetrius!

Yo, Jonah stopped answering his phone too.

So Garrett.

How are those pizzas?

Are you enjoying them and feeling appreciated?

People seem to like them, but I think we're good on pizza, Glenn.

Yeah, well, it just...

Some of the white employees were upset that they didn't get any pizza, and, you know, the point of all this was to make everyone happy, so...

I thought the point of this was to apologize to the Black employees.

Either they're reparations, or they're not.

Okay, well, can't you think of it like this?

Like, for you, the pizzas are reparations for racism.

And for the white employees, they're reparations for not getting pizza.

Okay, so it's an all lives matter pizza party?

Fine, great.

Okay, that's perfect.

Attention, all Cloud 9 employees in all departments.

Please report to the break room for pizza because apparently, now everyone gets pizza.

Never mind that the basic infrastructure of this country makes it so that one group of people gets way more pizza than others!

Or that some of us spent over 400 years forcibly making pizza for white people!

This isn't about pizza, is it?

No, I don't think so.

Yes!

I love pizza.

I am so sorry.

I biffed up hard.

But I just really need you to know that I'm not a r*cist.

Look, Glenn, I don't think you're r*cist, okay?

You're just really horrible at this kind of stuff.

You're right.

And I...

The user is out of minutes.

He doesn't know.

Look, I'm sorry about him, okay?

Just save all this pizza stuff for your next r*cist story time.

There's not gonna be another r*cist story time.

There shouldn't have been a first one.

You're just as bad as Glenn.

I pointed out a few problems I had with the store, and you have me making a whole list and doing a TED Talk?

I mean, hell, Jonah's been weird and annoying all day, but at least he's tried to help out without putting the burden on me.

Oh, wow.

Yeah...

thanks.

Decentering takes a little practice, but I think I'm getting better at it.

You know, I just have a tendency to...

make things about myself.

Look, don't bother with the list, okay?

- I'll take care of it.

- I already did it.

Oh, well, I'll send this to the DM as soon as possible.

Then, hopefully she'll send it on to the regional manager for him to review.

And then, he'll send it to the diversity liaison.

And then, she's gonna have to send it on to her VP.

All told, we should get an answer in, you know...

- three to five weeks.

- Weeks?

Look, I know it sucks.

I built a canoe in less time.

But it's a step in the right direction.

I guess.

Oh, good.

- She's still here.

- Okay.

Here!

In your face!

Our corona tests came back negative.

And they said that's a good thing.

When did you guys take these?

We called out early and drove to the rapid test center in Illinois.

Wow, well, congrats on your clean bill of health, guys.

Ah-ah-ah.

So we will see you at movie night, right?

Oh, well, you guys are safe, but won't there be other people there?

Yeah, but, I mean, we can uninvite them.

It can just be us.

What movie were you gonna see?

"Hereditary." Ooh, that's too scary for me.

We can watch something else!

Your choice.

Well, I've been meaning to see if "Herbie: Fully Loaded" lives up to the hype.

Done.

We'll see you there.

Sure!

Oh, yes!

I knew we'd get her.

Nice, so it's just gonna be me, you, Sandra outside your apartment watching "Herbie: Fully Loaded." Yeah.

Oh, sh**t!

I forgot.

I have something on Friday.

Cheyenne.

Cheyenne!

Maybe you could give me a list of slang - that's off-limits.

- All of it.

Hey, man.

We heard your announcement.

You seemed pretty beefed.

And you had every right to be.

I mean, from one pizza slut to another, I totally get it.

We got you these.

Ten pizzas.

Well, there aren't enough pizzas in the whole world to show you how sorry we are.

Hey!

Why was this in the box crusher?

'Cause it's r*cist and I was tired of looking at it.

And I wasn't gonna wait three to five weeks for someone else to come fix it.

Got it.

Nope.

Wrong.

Yeah, Garrett!

Sí, se puede.

Not Dominican, man.

He didn't even take the pizzas.

You know what?

You guys just don't get it, okay?

Today was a perfect example of the kind of racism that people of color have to deal with on a daily basis and how we need to stop pretending that white privilege doesn't benefit us.

Today was never about the pizzas.

It...

Okay, so it's still not about the pizzas, but he would like me to grab the pizzas, so...

If you could just... under my chin.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, okay.

Seriously!

Do the work!