[rock music]
[Lip]
And the wolf said, "'Little pigs, little pigs, let me in.' 'Not by the hair of our chinny-chin-chin.' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.'" Ohh!
"But the brick house wouldn't come down.
So the big, bad wolf climbed all the way up the roof, he slid down the chimney, and then... " [howling]: Aooh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuuu!
"The big, bad wolf fell into the pot of hot water that the pigs had on the fire.
And that was the end of the big, bad wolf.
And the pigs lived happily ever after." You see 'em?
One, two, - three.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's he feeling?
[Lip]
Oh, he's still congested and, uh, still awake.
Smells like my grandma's room in here.
Yeah.
Yeah, slathered him in Vicks.
[Tami chuckles]
Hey, you wanna tag out?
- I'll take a turn.
- Uh-uh.
It's cool.
I got him.
You get some sleep, all right?
Okay.
I'm gonna pass out on the couch to an episode of Bob Ross.
- [chuckles]
Oh.
Bob Ross.
- [chuckles]
[Tami sighs]
Feel better, my sweet baby boy.
Mmm.
- [whispers]
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Okay, let's see what's next, what's next?
- [baby cooing]
- All right, we've...
I think we've read the...
just about every single one of these books.
But don't worry about it.
I got a better story for you, all right?
[soft music]
How 'bout we tell you a real fairy tale story, huh?
Now, once upon a time, there was a little boy named Phillip Gallagher.
- Phillip.
- It's, uh, Lip.
- I'm Lip...
Phillip Gallagher.
- Lip?
- Lip.
- [man]
Is Lip around?
- Lip!
- [Lip]
Lip.
- Phillip Gallagher?
- It's Lip.
- Lip, my man.
- Lip, muh boy.
Not gonna call ya Lip.
Hope that's okay.
Gonna call you by your lovely God-given name...
- Phillip.
- Okay.
After the prophet.
And Phillip... or Lip, as his family and friends called him, grew up in a magical castle, and he was raised by a supportive and loving family.
[glass shatters]
- [man]
f*ck you, Frank!
- [baby crying]
Will you please take a drink and shut the f*ck up?
[Fiona]
Shut the f*ck up!
[Carl]
Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.
- [Lip]
f*ck.
- He dead?
Unfortunately not.
You gotta let kids learn for themselves.
They gonna fend for themselves?
You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime.
I raised fisherman.
That's my f*cking bike!
The best gift you can give...
Neglect.
[doorbell rings]
- Dad.
- Son.
A rooster in the hen-house.
Rooster in the hen-house!
Hide the money!
- [Debbie]
Morning, Grammy.
- [Lip]
Morning, Grammy!
- [Fiona]
Morning, Grams!
- [cop]
Hey, Gallagher.
Your mom's down at the station.
Bring bail money.
Get the f*cking key and get me out of here!
[Lip]
Just bailed Monica outta jail.
She let Carl play bumper cars with a Buick.
So you know Monica spent all the squirrel fund money?
The first rule you learn in this house...
You hide the g*dd*mn money!
Don't be mad at Fiona.
Come on.
Hey, Monica, shut up.
You know what, like most of my life, this has nothing to do with you.
Your son's a real prick.
[light thud]
[Frank]
Don't say Papa never gave ya a pet.
- f*ck!
- [Frank laughs]
[Ian]
Eeew!
- [Lip]
Hey, Grammy.
- Oh, my goodness.
I have never seen apple and spice looking so nice!
- How's it goin' in there?
- Oh, the food's not so great, but the p*ssy's pretty good.
Sounds all right.
Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?
'Shrooms, mostly.
We had one kid on coke...
Debbie.
- That was Carl.
- No, Carl was E.
- Thought Liam was E.
- Liam was acid.
Don't you remember?
But we've never made a little rug rat on GHB.
[both moaning]
Oh!
Jesus Christ!
"Congratulations, Ian.
You are not Frank Gallagher's son." You f*cked my brother!
I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank.
You know, it really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.
Honestly, sweetie, there was the summer of ' that I did a lotta PCP...
- [Frank]
You did PCP?
- And I...
Without me?
[Roberta]
Moni and I wanna take Liam to live with us.
- What?
- No, out of the f*cking - question, Roberta.
- Taking Liam?
- [Fiona]
No!
- No, nobody's taking anyone anywhere.
I don't care what the f*cking DNA test says.
- You're not taking Liam.
- [Roberta]
We having a problem, - Phillip?
- Let's see...
you're camped out in my house, you're f*cking my mother, and you're talking about stealing my baby brother.
Why would we have a problem?
- Hey, stop it!
- Congratulations, Mom.
You always knew how to pick 'em.
Yeah, so please stay on your bar-stool - and just keep drinking.
- Come on!
- I've gotta walk away.
- What?!
If I don't walk away, I'm gonna f*cking hit him.
[bluesy rock music]
What the hell?
[overlapping shouts]
f*ck!
Next time you're thinkin' about dropping in, don't.
- [Monica whimpers]
- You f*cked up our lives enough already.
At least I'm not getting trapped by some pregnant skank.
- f*ck you.
- You'll probably quit high school, huh, start working at Best Buy.
- Watch your f*ckin' mouth!
- I wonder how long it takes before you start huffing glue?
Hey!
Only one way to resolve this.
Somebody's gotta bleed.
Fight it out.
See who's alpha wolf.
[rock music]
[Monica]
Your mother...
was a real c**t.
[Frank]
Amen.
- Wanna get a beer?
- [Ian]
Yeah.
- Hey, Lip, I need your help.
- Oh...
busy!
Too busy to help your old man?
Yes.
Forever.
- [Lip]
Movin' out again?
- [Frank]
f*ck off.
I don't like the way I'm being talked to - around my own house.
- Let's go see if we can find whatever gutter our responsible adult of a father has crawled into this time.
[Frank]
"You never got me this, Dad, we never had that, Dad." Yack, yack, f*cking yack!
[Frank]
Lip, you're , right?
, but that's fine.
You're in the ballpark.
[Frank]
Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.
Life is hard.
We all know that.
Money is harder.
Do you even know how much we spend a week on groceries?
- Too much!
- bucks.
Fiona pays .
Me and Ian go in each.
You know how much you spend a month at the Alibi?
None a your damn business.
[Lip]
Over .
- Hey, you're back!
- Let us have a bottle of your good stuff.
I've got some money comin'.
[brakes screech]
[man]
Tomorrow, fuckhead!
- [tires screech]
- [yells]
- A friend...
dropped me off.
- [Lip]
I don't need Kev to tell me.
Check your pockets every night.
[Frank mutters]
You better run!
I gotta go, but save some for me, will ya, Debs?
- Yeah, okay.
- It's essential that families share meals together.
- Oh, don't, oh...
- Mmm!
- Great, Debs.
- [Debbie]
Thanks.
[Frank]
I won't say it twice.
Go home.
- [Lip]
What?
- I won't say it twi...
Why do you two keep harping on the past?
This is why your lives are so messed up!
Oh, yeah.
That's the reason.
Daddy's home!
Come on, lads.
Let's go upstairs, take a disco nap.
[Lip]
Charge, charge!
[Fiona]
sh*t!
Just go...
go!
[Frank]
Just pick a bed, fellas.
Just pick a bed.
Ohh.
- What the hell are you doing?
- [Ian]
Get the f*ck outta here!
You are not sleeping!
After everything I have done for you, this is the thanks I get?
Jesus Chriiiist...
Uhh!
[Frank]
Not funny.
Not funny at all.
- Da!
- Now...
because of his privileged upbringing, little Lip was able to focus his attentions on schoolwork and extracurricular activities.
[Ian]
Go!
Go, go, go!
[rock music]
[Lip]
Get outta the way, get outta the way!
[guard]
Move it!
[Lip]
Jesus, whatever happened to fat, donut-eating cops?
Now they're all triathletes!
- [man groans]
Ah...
- Break it down!
[Lip]
sh*t!
- [Lip]
Yo, Kev.
- Hey.
Is it cool if we put Fiona's name on your W ?
Sure.
What's a W ?
Hmm?
Forty-third and Alstead.
Bring the crowbar.
- [woman]
Wow.
- [man]
Ha ha ha ha ha!
[overlapping chatter]
[Kev, straining]
Here we go.
Hey, I wanna stage another fight night next week.
[rock music]
Go around to the dojos, round up some more scrappers, all right?
[boy]
Frozen Snickers, bag a Beer Nuts, and couple of joints.
You ?
Got ID?
You know how to hack a voicemail?
Probably.
I want you to give me or GFY.
GFY?
Less ogling, more hacking.
Is this the club where Wilco's gonna play a secret concert?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, uh, bucks, self-park, valet.
Thought you wanted this.
Quickest grand you ever made.
Buyer was thrilled...
said you should moonlight for the NSA.
So what are you workin' on this summer?
Um, I'm working on this device that reads credit card numbers off of parking kiosks.
Using a magnetic stripe reader?
Oh, no.
It's all done over WiFi now.
Why aren't you working on my project?
When you're poor, only way to make money is to steal it or scam it.
Like Don King or Joe Kennedy.
All right, here ya go.
It's bucks a head.
$ .
This man stole our jobs?
No, no, I didn't steal them.
I just underbid you.
But we are illegal immigrants.
How can you underbid us?
- Gutter white's the new brown.
- The what?
The new brown.
- [Fiona]
Come on!
- [Ian]
You got her?
[Fiona]
Oh...
go!
[Lip]
The real Aunt Ginger lost a toe.
Somebody's gotta snip it.
Who wants to do the honors?
[Lip]
I'm taking the PSATs for some Polish kid over in Ridgedale.
He's supposed to give me like a hundred bucks.
[teacher]
Mr. Gallagher.
- What?
- Do you know the answer?
- [man]
Lip's been expelled.
- Expelled?
Threw a chair through a window.
The answer is f*ck you!
- You are finishing high school!
- I've done a year more than you.
- This isn't about me.
- So, what, you want me to bust my ass?
Get a diploma and a high-paying job so I can buy you all houses and sh*t while you lay around doing f*ck-all?
I'm down for that.
Why's that on me, huh?
Oh, because I've done all right on some tests?
No.
I'll pull my weight, but I'm not gonna be the f*cking golden goose!
[moody music]
And when he was in high school, he met a beautiful princess.
[grunts]
[sobs/laughs]
Take it easy!
Get the f*ck outta my house!
Hi.
I'm Karen Jackson.
I mean...
Daddyz Girl.
[music stops]
And the two of them dated...
and they were voted Homecoming King and Queen.
[Karen moaning]
Yeah!
Oh, yeah, give it to me!
- Oh, yeah.
- [moans]
Ohh!
- Give it to me!
- Want me to give it to you?
- Yes.
- [man]
Yeah, she said she wants you to give it to her, So just give it to her already!
[train horn blares]
[both screaming, laughing]
[funky music]
[slow motion]
You whore!
What are we doing here?
Seriously, from, uh, my vantage point, looks like we're on the verge of f*cking.
No, I mean you and me.
What are we?
We've always been friends.
- Hi, Frank.
- sh*t!
Karen!
[funky music]
[Frank]
Whoa!
Oh...
What do you think now, Daddy?
Am I still a whore?
[Frank grunting]
Mother of God!
[rewind screech]
- [Karen]
Oh, f*ck!
- [Frank]
Oh!
[both moaning]
- Ahh!
- Ohh!
Ahh...
- Where ya goin'?
- Karen's.
Karen Jackson?
After that thing with your dad?
I have something to tell you.
What?
Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
You already are.
Oh, sh*t!
Sorry.
Um...
It's okay.
- I like it.
- Oh.
Ha.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy, but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around.
And then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover when her mom walked in and freaked out when she saw Mindy in the shower with a big, black strap-on dildo.
So what'd you wanna tell me?
I'm pretty sure that Jody's gonna propose.
We can't have sex anymore.
Oh.
Mandy!
Missed me, huh?
I bet you could get any guy into bed, huh?
Yeah.
Why?
[click]
[Lip]
Hey.
Hey, you okay?
- Uhh!
- Oh, sh...
Why the f*ck was Mandy Milkovich at my house trying to screw Jody?
He turned her down and told me what happened.
Yeah, 'cause he's a f*cking p*ssy.
f*ck you!
Stay the f*ck away from me, and stay the f*ck away from this baby!
[huffs]
Why can't I just get a C-section?
- You're too far along, sweetie.
- Sometimes Mother Nature has other plans, honey.
f*ck Mother Nature.
She doesn't have to worry about her vag*na getting stretched.
- Ow!
- [Lip]
You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.
[Carl]
That thing looks weird.
- And he's Asian.
- Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.
So it's looking serious about Mandy Skankovich.
Nice.
Oh, sh*t, Mandy.
I'm sorry.
You know I woulda never said that to your face.
I know you're seeing Lip, but like I told him, I think it's great.
What?
I came by last Tuesday to say hi.
She's a skanky, manipulative bitch.
Why don't you just dump her?
- Less talking, more riding.
- Oh!
[car horn blows]
[man]
f*ck you too!
[Kev]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your current girlfriend ran over your ex-girlfriend?
I don't know...
I don't...
I don't know what she's capable of.
Dude, you're at DEFCON .
You need to get the f*ck outta there.
We haven't had sex in over a week.
Whatever you do, do not...
do not let her bone you.
[Lip]
The f*ck?!
[panting]
You belong here with me, not with that f*cking vegetable.
[gasps]
Oh, let me take a look at you, buddy.
Aw, sh**t.
You got all this green gunk comin' outta your nose.
Come on, let's see if we can get rid a that, huh?
[whispers]
Here we go.
All right.
- [baby fussing]
- How's that?
Huh?
Is that helping your cute little congested nose?
Hey, you wanna hear some more of my story?
Huh?
Yeah, you do?
All right, let's do it.
Um...
Well, eventually, Lip...
graduated from high school, and he left the comfort of his family and community to go off to college.
[panting]
f*ck me!
That's what I was doing!
- sh*t!
- [glass shatters]
[Lip]
Uh...
eh...
What...
Lord have Mercy!
[Lip]
Okay.
Before we delve too deeply into...
Problems of modernity, let me remind you...
[continues indistinctly]
Nine a.m.
And social...
I don't plan on keeping you that long.
I try to make a point of not banging my roommate's girlfriend.
You were hoping I'd be here.
Excuse me, guys.
Forgot my Spinoza.
[small laugh]
I-I-I'm so sorry.
Just let me explain.
- It's...
it's okay.
- I-I'm really...
You don't need to be sorry.
I owe you one.
We're cool?
Best part about getting a blow job from Amanda...
Ten minutes of silence.
Come on, dude.
[End chords]
[rock music]
These are my parents.
- They're white.
- Yeah, I can...
see that.
Well, they bought me from a Subic Bay whorehouse, so...
go Navy!
I don't understand my grade on this paper.
You tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage?
Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
[whoops, cheers]
The house mother for my sorority is interviewing for house boy today.
Now, you are not allowed to use the bathroom - on the upper levels.
- The room, though, - it's here in the house?
- Hey, do you want any company later?
It can get kinda creepy in the basement.
Uh...
yeah.
[Lip]
Ah...
Who was that...
Antonia?
- Me.
- Let's do this.
[funky music]
You're fired, obviously.
Why?
I kinda blacked out.
I...
Not before you took all the group sorority photos off the wall and used a marker to circle all the girls that you slept with.
[small laugh]
I did that?
[house mother]
When I told you you had to leave, you, uh, decided to mark your territory.
You peed on the carpet.
The, uh, carpets weren't the final target of your yellow tsunami.
Where else?
Not where.
Who.
I peed on you.
I'll be out in an hour.
- Yeah.
- [clears throat]
[cheering, whooping]
You're disrupting the midterm.
I know, sorry.
I'm a few minutes late.
Six minutes.
I'm sure next test, you'll leave plenty of extra time and arrive early.
[car alarm blaring]
What the f*ck was that for?
[tearfully]
Making me fall in love with you.
I didn't make you do anything.
Yes, you did, because you're so f*cking...
you!
[screams]
Oh, f*ck!
Aah!
[moans]
Thank you.
It was there that he met two of the most influential people in his life.
They were role models who showed Lip how to be a productive and moral member of the human race.
[tires screeching]
- f*ck happened?
- Drove into a house.
k*ll anybody?
According to Horkheimer, was nothing short of liberation from the circumstances that a...
- Hey, sorry, uh...
- You're late.
Yeah, I couldn't find the building.
It's the third class, so you're a week and ten minutes late.
- What'd I miss?
- Do you even know what critical theory is?
Question everything, uh, why things are the way they are.
Why they should be different.
Uh, you know, it's the only thing I'm good at...
Calling bullshit.
Mellow rock No...
don't stop.
[both laughing]
Oh, your husband's sitting in the corner of the room.
Hello.
What's he doing?
Just waiting for us to finish so he can come to bed.
This must be strange for you.
A little bit, yeah, it's a little...
it's a little strange.
So my husband says to meet him at th and Dorchester, and he'll give you a ride.
[both moaning]
- [Helené]
Talk dirty to me.
- Okay.
Um...
I'm gonna slap you with my big d*ck and come all over your face.
Jesus.
Maybe not that dirty.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
- I'm gonna come anyway.
- All right.
Helené, she's got my head all messed up.
It's not your lady professor.
- It's that.
- What, the booze?
You seen how much I pour down my gullet?
I went down on my professor.
Oh!
What's his name?
You take his whole d*ck in your mouth?
I heard...
she might be f*cking somebody new.
- [Lip]
Did you f*ck her?
- What?
Did you f*ck her?
[Helené]
You b*at up Dylan?
- You b*at up my son?
- I didn't know he was your son!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Professor?
Tiffany Thomas!
Yeah, I was in your Intro to Ethics last semester.
- Jesus.
- [Youens]
Remember this.
We have only two jobs on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
Professor Youens.
Hey, morning.
Uh, listen up.
Professor Youens has been detained.
Now, for a well-behaved function, there's always an nth-degree polynomial...
take you to an error curve that oscillates back and forth between positive epsilon...
Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.
You...
should consider teaching.
[Helené]
Is it that hard to believe that someone thinks you have a bright future and wants to help you get there?
You need to get used to it, Lip.
[Youens]
Just met with my buddy Kurt Freund over at Chapman Energy Systems.
- Oh, yeah?
- I got you an internship with him for next summer.
Yeah, I'm not really an internship guy.
You know, you have a choice right now to recognize that you are a promising young college student, not some ghetto outlaw.
[laughter, chatter]
[Lip]
Where'd you get that?
Some girl Tweeted it.
[laughter, chatter]
How the f*ck could you send out that picture of Helené?
You shouldn't have screwed me over.
I never made any f*cking promises to you!
Yes, you f*cking well did!
With your eyes...
and your smile and your cock!
- Helené?
- [Helené]
Don't follow me.
Stay away from my home, my husband, my son.
f*ck!
Professor Runyon?
That was you?
Jesus Christ!
You saw it too?
I'd say that's some elephant-sized sh*t hittin' the fan.
Yeah.
You just f*cking come out and you talk to me!
[screaming]
Helené!
- [Youens]
Excuse us.
- What, what, f*cking what?
You smell like a distillery.
You're losing your sh*t.
Go home, sober up!
I changed your shirt when you woke up covered in your own vomit.
I helped you shave your face before your faculty meeting 'cause your hand was so f*cking shaky!
You need to stop talking now, Lip...
you're doing damage - to yourself.
- You don't give a sh*t about me.
You don't give a sh*t about me because you don't have to... right?
You're just sittin' pretty in your ivory tower, and I'm a f*cking insect crawling on the wall till you squash me, right?
What, 'cause that makes you feel f*cking powerful?
'Cause you f*cked up your own life, and you f*cking hate yourself for it.
And I was your ticket outta the gutter, pal, and you just blew it.
You're officially f*ckin' fired!
f*ck you!
f*ck you!
f*ck you, f*ck...
God...
f*ck you!
You like that, m*therf*cker?
Oh, you feel that sh*t?
f*ck you, Youens!
Hey!
Hey, what the hell are you doin'?
What the f*ck?
f*ck off!
- f*ck!
sh*t!
- Don't move!
At that university, it was his exemplary actions and behavior that laid the foundation for his future life in diversity.
So you can help me get a job?
Gotta get a job.
I came to get the details about the job.
The first day a work, you'll be cryin' like a baby.
[Lip]
I'm guessing they're planning on having us dump toxic waste someplace where toxic waste should not be dumped.
- I think I tweaked my back.
- You're not gunnin' for
- Workman's Comp, are ya, kid?
- No, I-I just...
Good.
'Cause the comp stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job.
- Aah!
- Next man up.
- Phillip, Tito.
Senior Intern.
- Hey.
You can start by getting coffee.
Four double sh*ts of expresso.
He doesn't like to take the goggles off.
Copy that.
- Gotta piss!
- Oh, that's you, man.
You're changing his piss bag.
No one move.
The premises is under federal investigation.
- What's going on?
- They're seizing the servers.
[woman]
Thought you said this was legal!
[Lip]
Yeah, I guess not.
I could use a job.
[woman]
Could use another dishwasher.
- sh*t!
- [man]
You sure about this?
I mean, WiFi is a little out of my comfort zone.
[Lip]
It's time to get a piece of the action.
They don't suspect a f*cking thing.
The system's down.
You think they're onto us?
No, no, no, the website just went back online.
- It probably just crashed.
- Okay, let me know
- when it's back up.
- All right, I'm on it.
How long till we're up and running again?
- We're shut down.
- f*ck me.
You...
take care of Rocky!
Take care of Rocky!
- Oh, my God...
- [Lip]
Hey, stop!
This is my job!
So what qualifies you to be a sober companion?
I know how a drunk thinks.
Here we go.
Virgin Bloody Mary.
- Are you positive it's virgin?
- It's absolutely, one hundred percent a virgin.
- Oh, my God!
- You told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
- [shower continues running]
- All right, Fredtastic.
Let's get you outta here before we both melt, huh?
- There we go.
- [water stops]
- Come on, come on, come on.
- [Fred fusses]
Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh.
Chh-chh-chh, chh-chh-chh, chh-chh-chh.
All right, handsome.
Let's go ahead and prop you up right here, all right?
That will help you breathe a little bit better.
Right?
Hopefully.
Get you nice and comfy.
There we go now.
Now I want you to try and rest your eyes, okay?
Try and rest your eyes, get some sleep, huh?
You know, if I was anything like your Granddad Frank, I'd give you some special magic juice to go to sleep.
You know, that's what he used to give me when I was little.
Which is why I liked that special magic juice so much when I got older.
But I'm not gonna do that to you, all right?
That "like father, like son" tradition ends right here.
Why you gotta be such an assh*le?
Apple fell where you dropped it.
Push-ups.
bucks in.
- My kid'll hold.
- [woman]
.
[Lip]
Thank you.
And go!
One...
- seven, eight...
- [men coughing]
Nine!
Bobby's done.
[Bobby coughing]
...
Oh!
[laughter, chatter]
Hey, can I get another sh*t?
Hey, can I get another?
- [Frank]
Whoa!
- [Monica]
You look like sh*t.
Lookin' like a chip off the old block there, son.
- You're just like me.
- [Lip]
You hear me?
I'm not my f*cking dad!
Are you supposed to give Valium to a baby?
It always worked with you.
Try a speedball after a bender.
Next day, you'll be movin' like a pro.
- Dine 'n dash?
- Bite and bolt.
Take the front door.
Do you think, in his own way, Frank's actually a pretty good dad?
- No.
- [slurring]
I remember the first time
- I brought you here.
- f*ck you!
You never took me skating.
Gallaghers do not puke.
Domino effect!
- [woman]
Oh!
- [man]
Ohh!
Okay, now, where were we, huh?
What were we talkin' about?
We were, um...
with Lip in college, right?
Now, when Lip was done with school, like many millennials, he moved home to the comfort and stability of his family and neighborhood.
[crowd cheering]
[Lip]
Hey, nicely done, Deb.
Great job!
Can someone help me get down, please, for f*ck's sake!
Lookin' for some workers to help with a home masonry project.
- Frank?
- Pickax...
sledge hammer.
[Fiona grunting loudly]
- [thudding]
- [Monica]
What the f*ck?
Aah!
[Lip]
Honestly, I feel like I'm rolling.
Did you spike our f*ckin' drinks?
Yeah, with Molly.
It's a party.
This is how you help me stay sober?
She was acting in your best interests.
I don't know why I'm even surprised.
I'm surprised...
I mean, since when have they ever shared their dr*gs?
♪ This is how you get down, get down to it ♪
♪ This is how you get down, get down to it ♪
f*ck.
Epic party.
No reason not to keep it goin'.
Wakey, wakey.
Monica?
Monica?
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on.
Come on, open your eyes.
Come on!
She sh*t herself?
People sh*t themselves when they die.
- So she's dead.
- [woman]
Yes.
- [Lip]
Drug overdose?
- Massive cerebral hemorrhage.
[Veronica]
All that's Monica's stuff?
Anybody got a rock and a lighter?
- What's the tag say?
- Monica had a storage unit?
Your inheritance.
[Fiona]
Frank found seven pounds of meth in some shitty storage locker that Monica had, and now he wants to sell it.
It's like a family heirloom...
Only dr*gs.
And it's getting flushed down the toilet!
Nobody flushes $ , ' worth of maternal bequest.
How much?
- Lip.
- What?
- [Carl]
I moved your meth.
- [whistles]
Got your Monica Franklins.
[Frank]
Smoked up all my meth.
Got over your mother, and now I'm a new man.
Hey!
You're the little f*ckers who stole my meth.
- [Carl]
Aw, sh*t!
- Hey, wait...
f*ckin' Monica, f*ckin' up our lives, even in death.
This meth head doesn't know where we live.
[Ian]
Hey!
Yo!
Uhh!
[Eric]
Either she smoked it, she sold it, or her f*cked-up family stole it.
And in any one of those scenarios, I am still owed f*ckin' grand!
- [Debbie]
You could tell us...
- [Lip]
Just tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[Ian]
Is this the part where you lecture us?
'Cause if you could just speed it up a little...
You wanna be a smartass, you want my help?
[whispers]
I was right.
I was right!
I was super f*ckin' right!
You were right, and I was wrong, Fiona.
- [inhales]
- [Carl]
Now, can you please tell us where you put the rest of the dr*gs so that m*therf*cker doesn't eat your eyeballs too.
We're gonna need a lotta shovels.
[Punchy notes]
[Ian]
Ugh!
This is some seriously sick sh*t.
[Lip]
Yeah, no joke, Fiona.
[Debbie]
Oh, God...
who buries her mother with meth?
[engine approaches]
[rock music]
[Fiona]
Go, go!
Go!
[overlapping shouting]
- [Debbie]
Go!
- [Fiona]
Oh, my God!
Oh, careful, Carl.
Don't go too deep, all right?
♪ Yeah ♪
- Now - [commotion]
[rock music]
- What is that smell?
- That stench?
That's Monica.
And if you come near my family, as God is my witness, I will bury you with her.
And by this time, Lip became an upstanding member of the community and contributed to the betterment of society.
♪ Eight hours a day ♪
♪ Forty hours a week ♪
Jesus, what the hell, Lip?
What, you never learned how to throw a f*cking punch?
Oh, that's it?
Ohh!
Oh, damn!
- [man]
Come here!
- [Lip]
Easy, easy, easy!
He'd grown into a strapping young man who was ready to face the world and make something of himself.
This is what happens when your entire life goes completely to sh*t.
Wanna do something silly and stupid?
It's cool if I, uh, wear this?
Long as you wear nothing else.
- Go!
- No...
no!
I kinda have to stay soberish.
[Sierra]
Why?
You driving heavy machinery later tonight?
If your vag*na's heavy machinery, then yeah, I am.
[Sierra]
This is gonna be funny.
Hi, Lip.
Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
- Ha...
- I'm glad you're
- her new boyfriend.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
You gonna keep it fun and casual?
I could casually go down on you later.
Bring your tongue.
[Sierra moaning]
Oh, f*cking hell.
Don't forget a**l.
[door opens, closes]
We're not doing a**l.
- Unbelievable.
- You never heard of female ejaculation?
That's the white whale!
Every guys dreams of it, but only a few ever get the chance.
Oh, no, I-I just thought it was a myth.
Jesus, you think I get goosebumps every time you whip out your magic cock?
Ah.
Mind...
blown.
Sounds fun.
- You've been drinking?
- No.
Hey.
[Sierra]
I already have one out-of-control addict in my life...
I don't need two.
Hey, man, are we in the north side?
You broke into my home?
- What?
- Get some help.
Please get help.
Coming in, buddy?
I woke up this morning feeling like I really needed a drink.
Good with your hands?
[rock music]
- Hi.
- f*ck off, runt.
You gonna fix that bike or f*ck it?
- [Lip]
What's your problem?
- He's been yappin' about ass
- nonstop.
- You gotta stay busy, man.
I need some f*ckin' p*ssy!
Get upstairs.
Now.
[rock music]
[Lip]
Oh...
Think you can hit me a little less?
Shut up!
- Ohh, damn it!
- Say it, bitch!
- See you at the shop, runt.
- Yeah...
uh...
You know you got a little scratch on your...
Hey, piss off.
You ever hear of a safe word?
Yeah.
How 'bout stop?
- [slap]
- [Lip]
Ooh...
- [slap]
- [Debbie murmurs to self]
- [both moaning]
- [Lip]
sh*t!
- [slap]
- [Lip]
Oh!
Should we help 'em?
Sounds voluntary.
- Barb?
- Oh, hey, hi.
- Hey.
- How's it going, man?
- It's all right.
- Have a seat.
Thanks.
Uh...
Thanks for...
for meeting me, you know.
Brad spoke very highly of you, so...
I-I didn't know I could have a woman as a sponsor.
Oh, yeah.
Anybody's a sponsor as long as there is no risk of falling in love with that person.
Well, you never know, right?
Ah...
fat chance, honey.
[both chuckle]
So...
what are we doing here?
Uh, well...
I-I got some sh*t goin' on, you know.
I got this professor.
He got carted off to prison.
Come on, you have court today.
I got this ex who's dating this guy who just got some other girl pregnant, so...
I'm sorry, did I just walk into an episode of Gossip Girl?
I-I'm sharing, you know.
- Where's Eddie?
- She quit.
Took off for Cabo with some guy she met at Sturgis.
- She coming back for the kid?
- Should call Social Services
- to come pick her up.
- Why don't you come stay
- with me for a couple days?
- That'd be cool.
Coming?
- Say hi, Ted.
- Hey.
Oh, hell, no.
Bye, Ted.
- Hey!
- [Lip]
He has a beard.
- How do I look?
- Stupid.
Thanks.
That's what I was goin' for.
What is it?
What's going on?
They let my dad out.
[Lip]
Is...
is it true that you like to b*at women?
I guess what I'm asking is are you a little bitch woman-b*at...
[both grunting]
[man]
You hear me?
A f*ckin' dead man!
How'd we do?
- He swung first.
- Oh, yeah?
Uh, yeah, I'd like to report an as*ault.
Charlie got some girl pregnant.
She just had the f*ckin' baby.
Are you still delivering those special pizzas?
Have it there in under .
[Charlie]
Charlie, an addict.
I got a delivery.
A gram of coke.
On a pizza.
I didn't do it yet...
I don't know what to do with it.
So I called my sponsor...
I was gonna sabotage Charlie.
Planted coke on him.
Then I felt guilty.
Broke into his apartment.
Flushed the dr*gs.
Got att*cked by his dog.
[barking]
- [snarling]
- Ow!
Let go!
- [growling]
- God...
f*ck!
Hey, I-I gotta go, all right?
My kid's in the emergency room.
- You have a kid?
- We'll get her over to X-ray
- and set the arm.
- Okay.
And we can only release her to a parent or legal guardian.
Okay, sweetie.
[rapid beeping]
[exciting music]
[whispering]
Hey!
[urgent whispering]
Come on, we're gonna hide.
Baby, why you got me so shook shook up, yeah [overlapping commands]
Oh oh oh oh Oh If your mom doesn't come back, do you wanna stay with me here?
Yeah.
That'd be good.
This is what I'm going through.
Oh...
[laughs]
what the hell are you talking about, man?
You're not going through any of that crap.
I mean, you have convinced yourself that you are.
- Uh-huh.
- It's, uh, f*cking classic co-dependence.
[Xan]
Mom?
[soft music]
[crying]
I knew you'd come back for me.
Oh, my girl.
I think you should give Charlie one last chance.
- What?
- I've been drunk...
or high almost every day since I was years old.
- Do you f*cking love me?
- I don't know.
- I want to.
- [softly]
Jesus.
Okay?
And it's because I care about you.
Just go, Lip!
Please.
[crying]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Co-dependent, huh?
Try some Greek Goddess.
The f*ck is in this?
[Tami]
Hey.
[Lip]
Hey.
- Is he better?
- [fussing]
[Lip]
A little bit.
Ah.
Do you want me to read to him now?
No, it's all right.
I'm telling him my own story.
- Oh, yeah?
- Uh, yeah.
Just about to get to the best part.
[laughs]
Okay, well...
don't let me stop you.
Now, even though Lip...
was a model citizen and was living the American dream...
- Wait.
This is about you?
- Shh, shh, shh.
He knew that something was missing in his life, that someone was missing in his life.
His heart was so full of love, and he wanted to share that love, you know, with a kind and special woman.
That's me.
- Uh, maid of honor?
- Yep, her sister, Tami.
[Brad]
So you and Tami hit it off at the wedding.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Yeah, she's cute.
- Come on.
- Where?
The maid of honor and best man always hook up at these things.
Take her out on a real date.
Go out for a steak or something.
- [Lip]
You've done this before?
- Seven times.
You want my wedding p*ssy, don't you?
[Brad]
There's nothing like a good woman to ground you.
- f*ck!
- [Brad]
Could be the one.
You never know.
Okay, let's finish this thing.
- I need another drink.
- Look, I thought maybe you'd wanna, uh...
go out to dinner.
- Nah, I'm good.
- What?
- You f*ck for sh*t.
- I-I don't f*ck for sh*t.
Oh, yeah, no, you f*ck for sh*t.
You were all like, jab, jab, jab.
- Jab-jab-jab-jab-jab.
- I was just trying to be
- a nice guy.
- Well, then you should have f*cked me good and hard, 'cause that would have been a nice guy.
You know, have a good life, Pukey.
Yeah, see ya later, Jabby.
You guys invited Jabby?
Jabby!
Last time I saw you, you asked me to dinner.
- That offer still good?
- Why, you wanna go
- on a date now?
- f*ck me.
I mean, I must be really hard up.
Wanna try to f*ck me properly this time?
What, like now?
[loud thudding]
- [Lip]
So?
- Eh.
- Six outta ten?
- What?
That's it.
We're going again, all right?
And, I'm not letting you outta this car until I get a ten.
- This is my car, punk.
- Hey, I don't care
- how long this takes.
- Okay, well, wake me when it's over.
[laughing]
Oh!
- [door opens]
- Hey, Jabby.
One of us needs to have an apartment so that we have a f*ck pad, so man up.
This guy has maybe the biggest d*ck I've ever seen.
It's bulging through his pants like a f*cking balloon animal.
Don't look, though.
Don't look!
Whoa!
No way that's real.
- It's real.
- [Lip]
We gotta go.
- I can't live here, all right?
- If you don't believe me...
Hey, no, we believe you, man, we believe you, okay?
That's not real!
- It's not.
- Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
You know, I've been thinking about turning our basement into a bedroom.
This could work, right?
Okay, was Silence of the Lambs filmed down here?
- I mean, where's the pit?
- You know, it's actually out back.
- Come on, I'll show ya.
- So you've got a bar of soap with five different colors of pubes on it.
Wait, you guys can't all...
share one bar of soap.
No, I don't..
that's why I have the dishwashing liquid.
- What is this?
- It's a box of clean underwear.
Yeah, we share our underwear.
I don't have time to fold.
- You, Debs?
- [Debbie]
Nope.
What the f*ck is that?
What, what?
That scratching noise.
There.
Fixed it.
So what's the deal with you and my sister?
[Lip]
I don't think we have a deal.
Like, are you f*cking other people?
[Tami]
Back off, Corey.
He doesn't want the syph.
[all whooping]
- Who's Boone?
- [Brad]
Well, right now he's the guy kissing your chick.
- He really likes you.
- I'm extremely likeable.
You seem to be handling yourself pretty well.
Look, she's not my girlfriend, all right?
We can f*ck whoever we want.
Oh, you are f*cking other people.
I f*cked your sister.
You're...
really working hard for that Tamietti hat trick.
Jesus, that doesn't bother you?
[Tami]
It bothers me.
Bothers me that you f*cked Corey.
I mean...
[huffs]
of course it bothers me, Christ, I...
Maybe just don't f*ck Boone anymore.
Fine.
Don't f*ck Corey anymore.
Yeah, fine.
Fine.
[mellow music]
Stop staring at me, weirdo.
[laughs]
And their life...
was peaches and roses all the time.
And when they found out that they were with child...
f*ck!
Rainbows appeared as if from nowhere, and birds sang...
and little woodland creatures frolicked.
- I'm pregnant.
- Tami's pregnant.
She's pregnant.
- [Lip]
Tami's pregnant.
- [Kev]
No sh*t?
- Yeah.
- Aw, man.
[Tami]
I got a test, and I saw the biggest, bluest plus sign I've ever seen.
- Is it yours?
- You sure it's mine?
- Yeah.
- She says it is.
I make Boone wear a condom.
He's been in the Philippines.
I double-bag that sh*t.
Holy sh*t.
Is she gonna keep it?
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
You having the baby or no?
The last thing I need in my life is a man telling me what to do.
Hey, Tami.
How ya doin'?
It's none of your f*cking business, Brad.
If you decide to have the baby, I wanna make damn sure
- it has a father.
- I don't wanna have a baby just to save my tits!
Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
[mouthing]
Baby?
He doesn't know sh*t.
You've been kicking my ass ever since you got pregnant.
I've been kicking your ass since the first day we met.
[Brad]
I can't believe you got Tami pregnant.
- Why do you keep saying that?
- Well...
Hey, honey!
Core.
[whispering]
I'm terrified of these women.
- It's her decision.
- g*dd*mn right it's her decision.
- You better now ghost her.
- I won't.
If you hurt her, we will f*ck you up.
- We will f*ck you up.
- I'm trying to do
- the right thing.
- Don't f*ck with us.
- The goon squad gone?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna have the baby.
Good.
[Tami]
What would I even name it?
We talkin' a boy or a girl?
I don't know.
Like, pretend it's a boy.
- Hambone.
- Wilmoth?
- Bird?
- Who the hell names their kid Bird?
I take it back.
I will not be there for our child, all right?
I'm hungry.
Do you wanna get something to eat?
I am f*cking famished.
I'm starving.
I need food.
You like popcorn shrimp?
I mean, I work in a hair salon.
I breathe bleach fumes all day.
This baby's gonna come out with like five heads
- and a dorsal fin.
- You know that mask
- is kinda freaky, right?
- Yeah.
Well, it's better than junior being born with flippers and a tail.
Oh, yeah, baby!
I'm so very, very wet.
I slipped out again.
I slipped.
- Hang on, let me get on top.
- All right.
She wants to have sex all the time, all right?
Three times last night and again this morning.
Y-w-whoa, whoa...
I just felt the baby kick.
No, focus.
Baby likes it.
Yeah.
[moaning]
She's so f*cking nice to me all the time, you know?
It's all honey, sweetie.
She called me boo this morning.
I mean, it's alien abduction movie creepy.
- I don't like it.
- It won't last.
Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, and Tami being kind of a bitch...
Ah...
eh...
- ooh...
ooh...
- Just breathe.
Ah...
You think it's real this time?
Just shut the f*ck up and find a g*dd*mn parking spot!
She's back!
[Tami groans]
[rock music]
Can you walk?
Can you walk?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Of course I can walk.
- Can you?
- Aah!
- Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Should you be squatting?
- Ahh.
Did you call my sister?
- No.
Cami?
No.
No, no, no.
- Aah.
- 'Scuse me!
- I don't want you in there staring down my cooch with a baby head popping out while I sh*t in a hospital bed.
All right, I'm gonna find you a wheelchair so you don't have the baby in the parking lot, all right?
[Tami groaning]
Aah...
mmm...
[groans, whimpers]
- Are you with Ms.
Tamietti?
- Yeah, yeah.
Get your ass in here.
[doctor]
We're performing an emergency C-section.
[nurse]
We have to get this baby out now.
[Tami]
No.
No, no, I'm not having a caesarian.
- I'm having my baby naturally.
- That's not going to happen, Tami.
Sign it.
- I-I'm not really her, uh...
- Are you the father?
- Yeah.
Yes.
- Then you sign it.
[Lip]
Think I'd make a shitty dad?
What?
No.
You'd make a great dad.
I thought, since you were
- a great father that you...
- Thank you.
- [Tami]
I want sushi...
- [Lip]
Yeah?
[Tami]
Disneyland.
[baby crying]
[soft music]
I didn't have much of a role model at home.
[Kev sighs]
- [Kev]
Frank.
- Yeah.
No sh*t.
♪ Your sweet time ♪
♪ 'Cause you don't know ♪
♪ What you're looking for ♪
You just love 'em, man.
♪ So your dreams stop... ♪
It's hard to f*ck 'em up if you just love 'em.
You think you can do that?
♪ Said come by ♪
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think so too.
♪ I don't know why ♪
[Debbie, whispering]
Boy or girl?
[Lip, whispering]
Boy.
Are you sure it's yours?
Hey, he fell asleep.
You too.
When Lip Gallagher looked at his sleeping son and girlfriend, and he knew that his journey had led him to this moment...
right here and right now...
[exhales]
He wouldn't change a thing.
sh*t.
- Oh.
- Oh, my...
Seriously, Fred?
I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick, okay?
Okay?
- Everything hurts.
Aah!
- All right.
sh*t.
Seriously, I lost my baby?
I feel like my boobs are gonna explode.
Whoa!
Why do you hate me, huh?
[crying]
Here you go, here you go.
You take your dad's fake tit, but you don't want the real deal?
You have six to eight minutes...
tops.
[Lip]
Mmm.
Mm...
f*ck.
[wailing]
I'm tired, you know?
Welcome to parenthood.
They all lived...
moderately happy ever after.
[Tex Williams' "Smoke!
Smoke!
Smoke!
(That cigarette)]
♪ Now, I'm a fella with a heart of gold ♪
♪ With the ways of a ♪ ♪ gentleman, I've been told ♪
♪ The kind of a feller that ♪ ♪ wouldn't even harm a flea ♪
♪ But if me and a certain character met ♪
♪ The guy that invented the cigarette ♪
♪ I'd m*rder that son of ♪ ♪ a g*n in the first degree ♪
♪ 'Course it ain't 'cause ♪ ♪ I don't smoke myself ♪
♪ And I don't reckon ♪ ♪ they hinder your health ♪
♪ But I've smoked 'em all my ♪ ♪ life and I ain't dead yet ♪
♪ But nicotine slaves are all the same ♪
♪ At a pettin' party or a poker game ♪
♪ Everything's gotta stop ♪ ♪ while they smoke a cigarette ♪
Smoke?
♪ Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette ♪
'Scuse me.
I'm gonna go get a smoke.
♪ Puff, puff, puff and if ♪ ♪ you smoke yourself to death ♪
♪ Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate ♪
♪ That you hates to make him wait ♪
♪ You've gotta have another cigarette ♪
[woman]
Your dedication to nicotine is admirable.
Let me get a pack a Camels.
I prefer carcinogens to endorphins.
Let me get a pack of American Spirits too.
You smoked my whole f*ckin' pack.
Some Marlboros.
Some Winstons.
Throw some, uh, Dunhills in there.
- What are you doing?
- I need to wash my junk.
♪ Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette ♪
Who's never smoked a cigarette before?
- Me!
- Me!
Oh, you haven't?
Okay, well, the first one's the hardest, but you guys are gonna be great.
Come on, follow your Aunty Tami.
♪ You've gotta have another cigarette ♪
[Tami]
You know the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to .
- I'll quit.
- [Tami, huffs]
Right.
[Veronica]
You're only supposed to wear one of those nicotine patches at a time.
Got one of these vape things from Carl.
Trying to quit smokin' for Fred.
Aren't those things worse for you?
[hisses]
f*ck, that sh*t's strong.
♪ She was oh, so far from a chunk of ice ♪
♪ Our smoochin' party was goin' real nice ♪
♪ So help me Hannah I'd ♪ ♪ have been there yet ♪
♪ I give her a kiss and a little squeeze ♪
♪ She said, "Tex, excuse me, please ♪
♪ But I just gotta have ♪ ♪ a fix, a cigarette" ♪
♪ Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette ♪
♪ Puff, puff, puff, and if ♪ ♪ you smoke yourself to death ♪
♪ Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate ♪
♪ That you hates to make him wait ♪
♪ You've gotta have another cigarette ♪
[end notes]
10x93 - Hall of Shame: Lip
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An alcoholic man lives in a perpetual stupor while his six children with whom he lives cope as best they can.
An alcoholic man lives in a perpetual stupor while his six children with whom he lives cope as best they can.