06x06 - Biscuit

[bunniefuu]

It is so nice to be out of quarantine and back running this store.

God, I so missed talking to real people.

You know, sometimes I pretended that the Nativity figurines in my garage were you guys.

You were the baby Jesus.

That's... great.

Thank you.

Hey, sorry about that.

I got lost hate-watching a James Corden clip at the gas pump.

Ooh, I love him.

He has a British accent, but you can tell he's not smarter than you.

Hey, I thought you'd be back in your blue polo today.

- Not that it matters.

- [sighs]

What am I doing?

I totally spaced.

You know what?

I'll change after the meeting.

Oh, no rush.

Okay.

We've got a really exciting COVID announcement.

Oh, my God, is it over?

I don't know about you guys, but COVID has been, like, super annoying for me.

Huh, yeah, now that you mention it, I'd have to give it a thumbs down.

No, it's that we no longer have to sanitize the conveyor belts after every customer.

Just hourly.

Actually, Dina already told us that.

Yeah, I covered the COVID protocols yesterday.

Everyone is up to speed.

Okay, how did you even see that email?

'Cause that's for managers only.

They must've left me on the list.

It was probably an oversight.

I'll make sure they take me off.

Okay, well, whenever you get around to it.

Though, you know, I wouldn't leave it too long.

Maybe you could do it when you go to change pretty soon.

Hey, Dina, somebody parked their Volvo in your spot.

No, Ken, that's my car.

That's the managers spot.

Oh, I thought it looked familiar.

Anyway, Dina, don't worry about it.

They're towing it right now.

They towed my car!?

[upbeat music]

♪ Hey, guys.

I'm collecting donations.

My vet said my cat, Biscuit, needs balloon valvuloplasty.

What is that?

Like, implants?

No, it's more of a lifesaving thing.

Anyway, we're still short after the $ coupon we got from liking their page on Facebook, so if anybody wants to chip in...

[change clinking]

Aw, I forgot my wallet.

This shape in my pocket is a Clif Bar.

I'm low on cash.

You know, 'cause everything's digital now.

That's it.

Hold the line.

I get it.

I mean, Biscuit is kinda like a daughter to me, but I guess putting down your daughter is just a part of life.

Damn, are you trying to raise money or win an Oscar?

[laughs]

Sorry, I should've saved that for a private text.

I'll chip in.

Here's ...

no, .

Wow, thank you.

I'd feel guilty too if I tried to k*ll that cat.

This isn't about that.

Guys, we're a family, and we have to be there for each other, and Sandra would be there for any of us if we had a gross, sick cat.

I guess that's a valid point from Carol, and it looks like I don't have anything smaller than a .

So good.

I mean, Tita Irma has hella cataracts right now, but sure, let me spend my money on this.

Way to get the ball rolling, Carol.

Look, get out of here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[chuckles]

Where's Nia going?

Oh, I'm sending her home.

Food poisoning.

Yeah.

Flooding in the attic and the basement.

Okay, but it's the manager's job to dismiss people.

Oh, Glenn, you're overthinking this.

No, I'm not trying to be the manager.

I just came into the bathroom, found her yakking, and so I'm sending her home.

Yeah, but still, it should be me.

Nia, could you come back here for a minute?

- Yeah, what's up?

- Yeah, sorry.

I just wanna check a few things before you go.

What kind of symptoms have you been having?

I've already been through this with her.

Yeah, I honestly think I just need to see the doctor.

I'd say you just need to see the manager.

So, um, have you been feeling feverish?

You know, any chills?

Knuckle stiffness?

- Stiff knuckles?

Which would indicate...

Well, you don't wanna have 'em, I can tell you that.

My knuckles are fine.

And... and... and the food that you ate, was it sort of smelling funky like a rotting meat with, like, a skin sorta...

Oh, God!

[retches]

Oh, um...

Kay, manager's assessment is over.

- Uh, you may go home.

- [retches]

Hi there.

I would like to return this.

Yeah, we don't take people's personal inventions.

Oh, no, it's a dialysis machine.

I don't need it anymore.

My transplant took, and I'm producing an obscene amount of urine.

Okay, well, we don't sell those here, so you're just gonna have to take it back to wherever you got it.

Well, actually, the new Cloud policy states that any item sold by Zephra or a Zephra subsidiary must be accepted as a return.

See that?

See?

Uh, okay.

I mean, I'm assuming that that is what it says.

- Where did you get it?

- Ojai Medical, which is owned by Malachite Solutions, whose parent company is...

Zephra.

Okay, didn't realize Zephra was in the medical game.

Also never cared or thought about it.

So let's do this, my man.

On it.

Just give me one second here.

[keys clacking]

[computer beeps]

- Hmm.

- [computer beeps]

- Wait.

- [computer beeps]

Why is it... wait.

- Oh.

- [computer beeps]

Maybe you need to call on somebody who's a little more tech savvy.

What?

I am tech savvy.

Okay, I have three monitors at home.

I haven't minimized a window in four years.

Okay, why don't you just go browse around the store for a little bit?

Right, yeah, I go browse, maybe I find a towel I like, I buy it, then you're laughing all the way to the bank.

Yes, I benefit greatly from you buying a towel.

♪ Turn around, your back on each other ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Hey, Cheyenne, if you had a work issue you needed to resolve, you'd come see me, right?

Yeah, if I couldn't find Dina.

But I'm the manager!

God, I mean, if Dina's gonna handle everything, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I should go back to my garage.

Aw, no.

We totally need you here.

Like, you know, to sign for things and tell us how much milk used to cost.

Okay, I just wish Dina would stick to loss prevention.

That is her thing.

Yeah, she's obsessed.

One time she chased a guy who was stealing a phone, and he crashed into an endcap, and his knee, like, popped through his skin.

Oh, there was, like, knee goo everywhere.

She was literally glowing.

Yeah, yeah.

She really does love security.

Maybe she just needs a little reminder.

Cheyenne?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

I was still thinking about that guy's exploded kneecap.

I'd show you a photo, but the stupid paramedics were blocking most of the sh*ts.

Dina?

I just found this in the store.

We need to deal with that immediately.

"This is a thr*at.

The store is in grave danger." Grave danger!

That's, like, the worst kind of danger.

You know, we need to beef up security, get this place on lockdown till we figure out what is going on.

Well, I mean, you do, 'cause you're head of security.

I don't know about this.

I mean, it's a pretty short message, and there aren't even any demands.

Huh.

Maybe they were in a rush.

More to factor in to your investigation.

Cut out letters from a magazine?

What is this, "Scooby-Doo"?

Nah, I think someone's just screwing with us.

Probably a kid or, you know, an adult with a recent traumatic brain injury.

[laughs]

Some dumb-ass spent a half an hour on that thing.

[sighs]

You didn't have to crumple it.

Hey, guys.

I thought you all should know, minutes ago at : P.M., Biscuit took her last breath.

- [group gasping and awing]

- Aw, damn.

I'm so sorry, Sandra.

We all wish we could just rip that pain out of your body, shove up right up inside ourselves, and claim it as our own.

Yeah.

- Maybe.

- Thanks.

I need to handle some of her affairs, but I really appreciate all of your support.

[sighs]

God, that is so sad.

Yep, yep.

Real sad.

So when she says Biscuit didn't make it, do we think the cat had the procedure and didn't survive or that it d*ed beforehand?

It does seem unlikely that a procedure would be scheduled so quickly.

Which means she probably didn't get a chance to use the money we all gave her.

Not that that's my focus right now.

- This is bunk, man!

- I want my bucks back.

That's two seasons of "Ray Donovan" on Blu-ray.

See?

This is why they say never spend money on a coworker's pet.

[stammers]

That's, like, a saying?

What the hell, Bo?

You can't keep having Titus and Frisco over.

They ruin all our stuff!

Frisco already jacked up our toilet by flushing a scarf.

Well, that was a different Frisco!

Sorry, Glenn.

Bo's friends are just being lunatics.

I can't help it that my friends are all wild and stuff.

You know, Bo, if your friends are really that crazy, I might have a proposition for them, but it would need to stay between us.

Yeah, I got you.

Okay, what you got, White Mamba?

Well, I was just wondering, you know, if maybe they'd be up for a little mischief.

You know, being a little naughty.

Yo, not to be rude or anything, but I don't think my boys would be down to bang some old dude.

- What!?

- Okay, I don't know.

Maybe if the price is right.

I don't know.

I'll ask 'em.

What?

No, chill, Bo.

This isn't a sex thing.

- I don't think.

- It isn't.

- No, we're...

- [sighs]

We're checking store security for weaknesses so we can improve.

You know, and I just thought maybe your friends could come around and see what they can get away with.

Yeah, okay.

I feel you.

We got you on this, all right?

I'll hit 'em up.

Okay, great.

But to be clear, I am not interested in having sex with anyone other than my wife, Jerusha.

You want me to put that out there too?

No, I get that that's the code for the dialysis machine in Zephra's system, but on Cloud 's computer, it only comes up as grapes.

- Who cares what kind of grapes?

- Hey.

Did you know that Megan Fox hates salmon?

Shh.

Look, I already talked to logistics.

Okay, well, maybe they miraculously came up with an answer to my question since minutes ago.

Oh, they're finally replacing you with a robot, huh?

[laughs sarcastically]

Very funny.

No, I've just been spending all morning trying to help this dude return an entire medical device.

It's just taking me a little while to figure this out.

Oh, wow.

I always thought that you were, like, a tech whiz or something, but I guess I was dead wrong on that.

No, I am, but you can't just change the return policy without telling the people who do the damn returns.

Okay, calm down, slugger.

I'll get Preeti over here.

She's a whiz.

Hey, Preeti!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't need to do that.

I got this, okay?

It's just...

I'm basically almost done.

Seriously.

Well, if you're sure.

Never mind, Preeti!

I thought I had a use for your computer science degree, but nope.

Keep mopping up that blood.

Hey, girl, how you holding up?

Yeah, we are so sorry.

Thanks.

I'm okay.

Great.

That's really great.

I mean, not great.

Ah...

Biscuit is still...

Ah... so how did it all go down?

You know, like, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the exact chain of events.

Jonah, come on.

The last thing Sandra needs right now is to relive Biscuit's expensive procedure.

Actually, Biscuit didn't get to have the procedure.

She was with Jerry when she just kind of keeled over.

Oh.

You guys are probably wondering what happened to all that money y'all donated.

- What?

No.

- We would...

no, that did not even cross our minds.

Forgot if I even put in any.

I don't remember if...

I did.

I definitely chipped in.

I did.

[laughs]

Well, don't worry.

The money went to a good place.

It's Biscuit.

Uh, what?

The vet's office recommended this thing called eternalizing where they take your pet's remains, and they turn it into a diamond.

Now she'll be with me forever.

Isn't that amazing?

Wow, look what you did there.

That's...

that is just...

wow...

We didn't give her money for a diamond.

I wouldn't even buy myself a diamond even though it goes perfectly with my brand.

Look, guys, maybe we should just cut Sandra a little slack.

You know, she's grieving.

I'm grieving the $ I kicked in.

You only gave four?

I gave two $ bills, man.

That's a big deal.

Okay, we need to get our money back.

Maybe she could ask for a refund.

How's that gonna work?

"Here, I'm giving back the diamond that has fried pieces of my cat in it." Let's all just relax, okay?

I mean, one way to look at it is, we all donated so that Biscuit could be around a little bit longer, and now Biscuit's around for eternity, so, you know, good return on our investment.

I totally get why Amy left you.

Okay, you know what, if you're so fired up, why don't you go up to Sandra and demand the money back?

Fine.

Someone has to take charge.

- You go, boy.

- Yes.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- You're the man.

Immigrants.

We get the job done.

We?

My family is Swedish or something.

Man, Bo's the best.

We're gonna be legends after this.

I know right?

"Oops! All Berries"?

More like "Oops! All Babadooks." Hey, criminals.

Yeah, I'll take that as a confession.

Hey, lady, you gotta social distance!

- I have a roommate who's .

- It's not safe.

- It's a critical danger zone.

- What's going on here?

These two morons have been defacing the entire store by putting up all these pictures of Diane Keaton, but you chose the wrong woman in the wrong store on the wrong day.

Wrong for you.

For me it would be right woman, right store... just go.

- Move it.

- Yeah, let 'em have it, Dina.

You sink your teeth into this juicy security situation.

Take all the time you need!

You've made a wise choice.

Ojai Medical is the ultimate source for all your medical needs.

Well, I don't really have a medical need.

I'm just retail worker who's trying to return a dialysis machine.

- The OM OptiFlow .

- Sure.

The OptiFlow is a revolution in the world of hemodialysis.

With integrated bolus tracking, it's never easier...

Hey, no, no, no.

Look.

I don't care how it works or what kind of tracking it has.

Integrated bolus tracking.

Right.

I don't care.

I just need the product number so I can get on with my life.

What?

Are you seriously trying to return that right now?

Yeah, I bought it at DCI Marine, but the website said I could return it here.

Hope you're not in a hurry.

[whispers]

I think he's new.

Come on.

Look, Sandra, we need to talk.

[sniffles]

What's up?

Uh...

When you see the diamond up close, it really is gorgeous.

I was like, "Is this Sandra or Mariah Carey?" I thought you were the mean one.

I am.

I'm vicious!

This morning I told Justine, her hair looks like spaghetti that's been left in the pot.

What?

No you didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[laughs]

I was thinking it.

I guess I didn't say it.

Guys, we did a good deed.

Okay, let's just leave it at that.

Not everything has to be about money.

I'll try and remember that when I'm not watching "Ray Donovan."

[sighs]

♪ 'Cause I ain't the way you found me ♪

♪ And I'll never be the same ♪

See, I told you my boys would hook you up.

I can't thank you enough.

This worked out even better than I had hoped.

I have never seen Dina so jazzed.

Tight.

Yeah, you think she's jazzed now?

She's about to have a freaking jazzeurysm.

- [imitates expl*si*n]

- [laughs]

Yeah, what does that mean?

Oh, you know what?

Since you're my boss-in-law, I decided to give you the VIP package.

Told my boys Titus and Frisco to put the word out there you're trying to find security flaws and that people should just go buck!

Uh, wait, how many people are gonna go buck?

Oh, don't worry.

Plenty, yeah.

'Cause Titus reached out to his old crystal dealer, Straight Josh.

I don't even mess with that guy.

He once k*lled an ice cream man in the daytime 'cause of sprinkles.

Wha...

oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

You gotta tell them that the security test is canceled, okay?

Or that it's at Big Lots.

Tell them that it's at Big Lots.

Uh, no, I think it's too late, you know?

They're already on their way and stuff, so...

hey, maybe I can get a free hot dog as a thank you?

Uh, 'scuse me, I'm just confirming my free hot dog.

See this?

This is to ensure that everything that happens in this room comports not only with corporate policy, but also Missouri state law.

Huh.

Wow.

I got this out of the returns bin.

I guess it's defective, just like the two of you!

Unnecessary.

What was the plan, fudge stain?

Huh?

Post this online?

Get internet famous?

Please.

It's all about chugging cranberry juice to Fleetwood Mac now.

[whispers]

Dang, they take this crap way serious.

Something you'd like to share with the class, turd melon?

Oh, it's just, Bo didn't say that this security test - was gonna be so intense.

- Yeah.

It's kinda dope though.

It's like an escape room.

Oh, those are fun.

Wait, Bo?

You two know Bo?

Yeah, he said the manager needed people to come, like, mess up the store to, like, find the weak spots and stuff.

Weak sp... that son of a bitch.

Glenn did this to keep me out of his way.

Oh, it sounds like you two need to talk.

Dude, I'm, like, in love with this chick.

Hell yeah.

Well, took me a while to figure out how to square the interfaces and set up a proxy server, but we are all set, and you guys can get back to your very specific lives.

This says it's a return for bunches of green grapes.

Yeah, mine says it's for grapes too.

This isn't fraud, is it?

'Cause my probation doesn't give me a lot of wiggle room.

Oh...

Yeah, you know what?

I wouldn't worry about it.

That's just internal tech jargon, you know?

SMIs and SKU readouts, grapes, reverse grapes.

Those are the ones that'll really give you trouble.

- [crashing]

- [all gasp]

What the hell?

[rock music]

[grunting]

[crowd screaming]

Wait, please stop!

- Ooh!

- [grunts]

- Go, go, go!

- Damn.

Titus and Frisco really hooked it up!

I know.

Maybe we should hire them to dox that crossing guard we hate.

No!

Oh, Dina, you gotta do something.

They're tearing this place apart.

Save it; I know what's really going on, okay?

Wow, how many dirtbags did you get in on this thing?

All right, everybody, great performances, but you can all go home to your futons!

No, Dina, these are real g*ng members.

They k*lled an ice cream man.

Okay, sure, you want me to play this out with you?

No problem.

No, no, no!

You're gonna get into big trouble because you're a criminal and not just a member of an improv troupe!

[bleep]

off, lady.

Ah, profanity.

That's a nice touch.

Dina, he is actually stealing that.

You need to do something.

I know, but he's just so intimidating.

It's almost like I feel like I have to help him.

- Here, I'll give you a hand.

- No, Dina!

Where's he having you stash this stuff?

Out by the garden center?

We just finished stocking those blenders too.

- Aah!

- Hey, hey!

Our diamond!

Biscuit!

They probably put very little Biscuit in there anyway.

[downbeat music]

♪ Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, they are gonna fire me.

[sighs]

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have helped steal that minifridge.

Or the washer/dryer combo.

The second minifridge.

Oh, God, I could go to jail for this!

And then my cellmate is gonna ask to borrow my comb, and I won't be able to say no.

Take a breath, man.

You're not getting fired.

Okay?

I'll amortize the shrink over the next year and borrow overstock from the Quincy branch.

The manager and I follow the same Korean softball league.

Wow, okay.

What if the ruffians come back?

Not to worry, I've been texting with Titus, and he's handling it on the street.

That kid would literally do anything for me.

You are really saving my rump.

Well, you still got a few usable brain cells rattling around.

[chuckles]

You know this job is a lot.

And I'm still trying to keep my stress level down.

Do you think maybe we could, you know, talk corporate into some sort of co manager arrangement?

I mean, if you'd be open to it.

Sort of a "two heads are better than one" thing?

Animals born with two heads usually die almost immediately, but sure.

I'm honored you asked me.

I'm honored you'd accept.

[upbeat music]

Oh, hey, guys, I don't know if you heard, but Sandra's cat d*ed yesterday, and then her diamond necklace got stolen, so a few us are collecting money to help her out.

Cheyenne, I mean this in the nicest way: Get the hell away from me with that jar.

What's this about?

[Estelle and Janelle Monáe's "Do My Thing"]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

- ♪ Whoo! ♪ - ♪ Uh! ♪

♪ Well, I wear my clothes like this ♪

- ♪ Because I can ♪ - ♪ Because I can ♪

♪ And I wear my hair like this because I can ♪

Excuse me, I was told I'd find the manager back here.

- We are the manager.

- Right here.

This is to inform you that you are being served with legal papers in the matter of Carol Malloon v.

Cloud .

Thank you.

Do we know a Carol Malloon?

Yeah, Carol!

Carol Carol.

Oh.

Oh, right.

We electrocuted her.

Yeah, a lawsuit makes sense.