03x10 - Commitment

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "UnREAL". Aired June 2015 - July 2018.*
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"UnREAL" centers on a young staff member on a hit dating show who does everything she can to help please the show's executive producer.
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03x10 - Commitment

Post by bunniefuu »

You've been stealing profits
from me and Chet.

Probably shouldn't have
put it all in an e-mail, Gary.

- I need a job.
- Now is not a good time.

I'm concerned about Rachel.
I'm here to help my patient.

RACHEL: You're one of the
smartest people I've ever met.

Hey. Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

No, this is totally inappropriate.

Mnh-mnh.

You should get out of here.

Come work for me.

Really, your CIA mind-game tricks,

I mean, that is valuable.

Tonight is gonna be amazing.

So excited to spend it together
as an actual power couple.

What is Robin doing here?

Robin's article lays out
all the dirt on you,

- so I'm gonna fire you.
- You seem to be forgetting

about a little thing called leverage.

All those e-mails that I have.

How confident are you that, uh,
you still have those e-mails?

You wiped my computer clean.
You're fired.

- I didn't do that.
- Just don't ever come back.

Only two men...

I wish tonight hadn't gone
the way it did.

Oh, August, I have to say
goodbye to you tonight.

- So, the job is mine?
- You deliver, I deliver.

I wasn't sure you'd go against
your pal like this.

It's not personal. It's business.

You still have drama going on.
I see how you look at her.

- Jeremy...
- I k*lled two people for you,

'cause I thought that I-I loved you.

I'm a m*rder*r.

QUINN: Okay, Fiona, I know
I left like messages,

but I really need you to get back to me.

There is a slightly devastating article

coming out about me in The National Page

and I need your
lesbian mafia muscle, okay?

Where the hell are you?

Rachel?!

Rachel?!

Rachel, are you...?

Come on, not even
my troll person is available?!

[SIGHS]

♪♪

Oh.

Well, that's depressing.

♪♪

It's the worst day ever.

Ah! Damn it!

[SIGHS]

♪♪

♪♪

[CLATTERING]

♪♪

Hello, little perv.

Who are you?

♪♪

Oh, sh*t.

♪♪


It's gonna be a great day, after all.

♪♪

[GASPS] Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.

- Good morning.
- Got a big day ahead of ourselves.

Look, I'm sorry. I know
this should be about you,

but I've been obsessing
about this all night.

Were you serious about that job off...

I mean, it's totally fine
if you weren't, it really is.

I just... I'm looking for
a little bit of clarity.

Of course I was serious
about the job offer.

I don't mean to sound ridiculous.

You and I, we could change the world.

Does not sound ridiculous.

How does it sound?

It sounds like
if I could put to good use

all the stuff that Quinn taught me,

the last four years of my life
won't have been an absolute waste.

Consider yourself out.

You're gonna sh*t yourself.

Not in this suit.
It's too expensive to dry clean.

♪♪

Son of a bitch.

Mm-hmm.

So that's why she's not
returning my calls.

She sold me out because
I didn't give her a job?

Looks like you fired the wrong person.

Madison. You fired Madison.

No, I know who I fired, Chet.

I called in every favor I had

to try to get that article
about you k*lled.

None of my fixers
could get any traction,

and they've pulled me out of

much deeper sh*t than this before.

Oh, that's fantastic.

I'm beginning to think
there's something to that

whole double-standard thing
you go on and on about.

This town really is
tougher on the ladies.

You think?

This is a nightmare.

Could we talk about
finding you a husband now?

Yeah, but which one?

- First, there's Jasper...
- Okay.

who is amazing.

But I wish that I could
put Jasper and Owen together

into one person. I mean, that...

Can you stop, seriously?
This is how single people talk.

Honestly, this obsession with
the imaginary perfect guy.

You can't just Google up
your customized person.

Maybe we should invest
in a company that does that.

You're just scared that it's not gonna
be perfect and here's the truth,

it's not going to be.

But it can still be amazing,
and you just have to decide

what kind of amazing you want it to be.

And that is what I'm gonna help you do.

All right, all right.

Come on, let's go. We've got work to do.

- Let's hear this.
- Okay. All right.

So, you finally got your
"Upstairs, Downstairs" finale.

But Serena can't decide if she
wants to buy slow or sell high.

What, weeks and she still can't pick?

I'm thinking we bring both guys
and their families

to Connecticut to meet her parents.

- What?
- So I win?

I mean, Jasper's obviously gonna slay

with the Connecticut country club set

and Owen, not so much.

I don't know. I think that she's been

rejecting guys like Jasper
for the last years.

Owen might be exactly
what she's been waiting for.

Yeah, but he's also your guy,
so why take that chance?

What kind of ambush
are you planning this year?

I'm not planning an ambush.

Serena's my girl.

She's the one that needs a win in life.

Am I right, Doc?

Absolutely.

That's a very healthy attitude, Rachel.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's amazing what can happen to a woman

when you put a camera on her / .

Right, Doc?

Yeah.

♪♪

All right! Let's go, troops!

Let's inv*de Connecticut! Everybody out!

- Quinn, am I...
- Yes! A.D. Dan, you, too!

Everyone out! Out!

Quinn? Can we talk?

Yeah. I think we'd better.

[LAUGHS]

Hey. Look, I just want to
apologize again.

- It's all right.
- I'm not talking to you.

Look, I never would've
hooked up with Alexi

if I knew you two had a thing.

Yes, you would have.

It's who you are, Rachel.
It's why you do so well here.

Jay, please, stop, seriously?

You keep just, like, yelling at me

and telling me
what a piece of sh*t I am.

Well, then stop acting like
a piece if sh*t.

I'm trying to.

I'm actually about to
make some pretty big changes.

Oh, what? A threesome
with Owen and Jasper?

Look, I'm just trying
to pick up the pieces.

I'm making amends, okay?

Whatever.

Look, you just do you.

♪♪

Look, I'm trying to protect Rachel.

Either way, still fired.

You know, I wondered whether
it was you or Jeremy.

[LAUGHS] It's such a low bar.

I'm gonna tell her the truth,
all right? I'm gonna come clean...

No, you're not.

You mention one word to Rachel,

I am gonna call the board
and get your license revoked.

Call the boar... She's had
one breakthrough after another!

She's cut ties with her mother,

confronted her past... I got her there!

No, she got herself there.

Do you know what I saw on that camera?

Every time you pushed her,

every time she created
some bullshit show for you,

she crumbled.

She cried herself to sleep.

What?

She knows this is not right.

This isn't what she wants.
She can't help herself.

And that's just the way you like it.

You want to fire me, fine.

Hear this.

There's no version of this job

or any relationship with you that'll
be healthy for Rachel, ever.

♪♪

Wait!

Miss King!

I told you she's not available.

- You can't just barge in here.
- Yeah, well, she looks pretty available to me.

It's okay, Ellen. Give us five minutes.

Ooh, wow! Five minutes.

Super-generous.

Nice digs you got here.

And all you had to do was
sell your soul to get 'em.

Gary made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

You could've, but you didn't.

Listen, I did a little digging
on your new partner.

Here you go.

Every unethical, immoral,
illegal move he's ever made.

Why would you give this to me?

Look, Gary is
a p*ssy-grabbing slime ball

who will not empower you.

And I know you, Fiona.

You are not built to be number
two to some mediocre white dude.

[SCOFFS] Quinn...

Come on.

You and me,
we can take Gary down together.

You can be number one.

I can do that for you.

So, take a look at that

and let me know what you think.

♪♪

RACHEL: Hey, guys.

Say goodbye to the mansion.

You gonna miss this place?

Like London misses the plague.

Hey, bud, you might be back next season.

You'll still be single.

Thank you, Daniel. Let's go.

- Just Dan.
- Thanks, Danica.

Bye, you guys!

Hey.

How you doing?

I'm good.

I am.

I think mostly 'cause I'm leaving.

Like, for real this time, though.

I'm done, Rach.

I... I have to be.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah?

♪♪

Hey. Uh, sticks go in the truck.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

You got a sec?

Everything okay?

Um, everything's great.

I just wanted to tell you
that, um, I'm leaving.

I'm gonna take a job with Serena
at her company.

Really?

So, uh, the contestant is your BFF?

[LAUGHS]

You girls are gonna go off
and save the world together?

Maybe.

- Why not?
- [LAUGHS]

Well, because in the real world,

Serena's not gonna stick her neck out

for her reality TV buddy

with her Tesla-driving,
Ivy-league-assh*le friends.

Yeah, well, see,
Serena's a really good person.

It's been awhile
since I've met one of those.

She's a shiny penny. I get it.

But that's not who we are.

We?

I mean, this is a job for me, Quinn.

It's a job that was a huge mistake.
She's offering me a career.

I'm, like, dying here.

I mean, this place is just k*lling me.
You have to know that.

Just let me get out.

[SIGHS]

Fine.

Quinn, you can't buy me.

No, I'm not buying anything.

This is yours, free and clear.

It's the money you gave your dad.

k, right?

You don't want to go to Silicon Valley.

I saw your face at that
poop-fest goat farm and...

it's the happiest you've ever been.

So you go and you get your cabin

and you get out...

all the way out.

♪♪

And you... and you're doing this again.

Doing what?

No, you're trying to
make me believe, like,

you're the only person in the
entire world who cares about me

so I stay here and make you rich
while I'm dying on the inside.

This is exactly
the kind of mind-game sh*t.

Dr. Simon was talking about.

Oh. Dr. Simon?

Because he's so honest and up front?

Well, at least he's making me
realize what I need,

- which is to stay away from you.
- Right.

'Cause I'm the Wicked Witch and
he's the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Well, spoiler alert...
the Wizard's a fraud.

No, he's not.

You're just jealous that
I trust him more than you.

Oh, you trust him?

He had a camera hidden
in your truck, Rachel.

He's been watching you /
for God knows how long.

Bullshit. Dude, you're such a liar.

I saw it with my own eyes.

He admitted it.

He is an obsessed, weirdo stalker.

This doesn't even make any sense.

The guy has been nothing but
a complete professional.

A professional creep.

And I fired him.

You're welcome.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

- Rachel?
- No, I'm gonna go get Serena her husband

and then after that, we're done.

[DOOR SLAMS]

GRAHAM: Now, on "Everlasting,"

we invite you to a bucolic,
quaint part of the United States

we call Connecticut,

the Constitution state.

Home to the American robin,
Yale University,

and a whole lot of white bread.

But more importantl, it's the state

that gave us Serena Wolcott.

BUNNY:Serena, darling.

SERENA:Mom. Hi.

Hi.

I want you to meet Owen.

- Such a pleasure. Hi.
- Hi.

[LAUGHS] And this is Riley.

Ah. Riley's a little shy
around new people.

Mom, what's going on? Where's Dad?

He won't come out of his room.
You know how he gets.

This is ridiculous.
He won't even come out here?


'Cause he's jerking off
to his tax returns.

I mean, look at this place.

You know, I'm gonna go talk to him.

No, why don't you let Owen do it?

Rachel's right.
You think I didn't realize

I'd be a tough sell to a family
that lives in a place like this?

I don't care what my dad thinks.

But I do.

This is his moment. Let him have it.

Okay. Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mr. Wolcott?

Nobody was supposed to be in here.

I just, uh, wanted to
introduce you to Owen.

He would like to speak with you.

You're gonna need to
take that cameraman with you.

Actually, Mr. Wolcott,

the only way they're gonna let
us talk is if the camera stays.

Plus, we're paying you $ ,
a day to sh**t here, old man.

All I ask is that you hear me out.

♪♪

I know that I'm probably not
the kind of person


you expected your daughter
to end up with.

Son, I don't know you from Adam.

What I do know is
you're on a reality show

and that's not [SIGHS] how I saw
my daughter meeting a husband.

You're right.

[LAUGHS] I mean, the...
the whole thing is absurd.

We... we got cameras on us / ,

other men trying to
get a date with Serena.

If we can survive that,
we can survive anything.

I love your daughter.

That's real.

QUINN:Nice work, Rachel. Owen's in.

I was the only oe of my friends

who did not buy his wy out of the draft,

Hey. Hey.

I had to come check. How's it going?

- Oh, it's a disaster, isn't it?
- Oh, uh, no.

Actually, no, it's not.
Everything's, uh, going great.

[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

♪♪

Yeah.

- Hello, again.
- Hi.

- One more.
- Got it.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

QUINN: Ugh. All right, here we go.

Hi. So?

[SIGHS] What do you think?

♪♪

[CLEARS THROAT] Great.

Did you see those floating
terraces in the pool?

Huh? Well, take a picture of
'em. I'll buy you a couple.

Chet, hope I'm not interrupting
anything mind-numbing?

- [LAUGHS]
- No, I... I totally understand

that Chetty is here to produce the show.

Wonderful.

Uh...

Uh, is your plane gassed up?

Why? You're not going anywhere, are you?

- I can't produce this thing by myself now.
- Yeah, no sh*t.

All right, I'm not going anywhere.

- I just need a favor.
- [SIGHS]

I've got to load up some expl*sives.

Yeah. I got a plane for you.

- I got anything you need.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.

So you flew across the country
just to talk to me?

Oh, my God, Quinn was right.
You're obsessed.

Rachel, I am so, so sorry.

What is wrong with you?

- You're such a perv.
- Look, I know I crossed a line,

but it wasn't for some twisted reason.

I was genuinely concerned
you would hurt yourself.

Except you are the only one
that's hurt me.

Hurting you is the last thing
I want to do.

- Okay, le...
- [GROANS]

[SIGHS]

You know what, screw it.
I'm glad Quinn fired me.

- Mm-hmm?
- Yeah, because now I can speak freely.

What's that mean?

Look, I know this sounds crazy,

but I've gotten to know you
so well in our time together

and you've really touched my heart

in a way no other patient has.

In a way...

no other woman has.

No. Mnh-mnh. Dude, no.

- Rachel.
- No.

- I know you feel it.
- Mnh-mnh.

You came to me the other night,

but it... it wasn't the right time.

- Okay, it was inappropriate then.
- And what, this is appropriate?

- But now I'm fired...
- This is sick.

Look, the show's almost over,

and it makes sense for
us to be together.

We can be open and honest

in a way you could never be
with any other man.

After what you told me,
what you got Jeremy to do,

k*lling those two people...

that secret will always be
a weight inside you.

You know that. That's what
Essential Honesty is about.

Just stop, dude. Stop.

You think Serena's gonna
understand what you did?

No one would accept you
if they knew, but I do.

I know everything about you.

And I love you, Rachel.

My God. Ugh. My God. Dude, you're crazy.

You are crazy.

- I'm not...
- You're... you're insane.

Just get away from me.
Get... get out of here.

- Rachel just...
- Okay, can you go?

♪♪

Go, honestly.

Okay.

♪♪

Oh, my... Crazy.

♪♪

Two roads diverged
in a Connecticut wood.

Which will Serena choose?

My personal favorite reason
for coming to Connecticut,


ladies and gentlemen,
look at the grounds, the home.


People come here from all ovr
the world for summer vacation.


Tea, gentlemen's parties.

I'd love to go there myself,
but I could never afford it.


♪♪

♪♪

One of the most beautiful
landscapes outside of,


oh, I don't know, Costa Rica.

The question now is,
can Jasper's parents

help him seal the deal
with Serena's family?

The answer... moments away.

I've never seen
such a magnificent rhododendron.

Trust me, we've seen a lot.

Uh, hello? Has anybody seen Rachel?

[CAR APPROACHING]

♪♪

Hi, Rachel.

What are you doing here, Madison?

Yeah, Quinn called.

I guess she figured out
that she'd made a mistake.

She needs me more than she thought.

We've gotten pretty close this
season, you know. She's grooming me.

Not that you should
feel threatened or anything.

[BLOWS]

What's wrong with you?

So, what's this I hear about a bet?

Ooh. She knows about the bet.

Well, thankfully, Serea
realized that it was a...


a foolish, idiotic prak
and she forgave me.


I mean, everything really is
better with an accent, isn't it?

[LAUGHS] Hell yeah.

I would do anythig to keep her.

Even if that means staying n
a hideous reality show


far longer than I ever intende.

I should get an accent.

- Ach du lieber!
- There you go.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh. All right, it's all you, champ.

- Got to go.
- Where are you going?

It's showtime.

Can I get you another drink?

[LAUGHS] So you've heard.

Madison! Are you coming in?

So, I guess I owe you an apology.

Yes.

You just got it.

- Now, let's go.
- Okay.

Let's do this.

JEREMY: Congratulations.

You're sh**ting
the elimination ceremony.

What? [LAUGHS]
No, the finale is Quinn's baby.

I know. She thinks you have
an amazing eye, and she's right.

You know? You're crazy-talented.

That's why I've recommend you
for the DP job next season.

Where are you going?

I'm quitting.

Why?

I've wanted to so many times
this season.

And the only reason I haven't
is because of you.

I just can't be here anymore.

If you can't be with Rachel, you mean?

- Uh...
- I saw you two together.

It's obvious.

You don't understand, Charlie.

I've done things.

I have a darkness inside of me
that you don't know

and you don't want to know.

I'm doing you a favor.

Fine.

Get out of here, then.

Take your darkness and go.

♪♪

[WHISTLING]

Hello, Gary.

Margot, so glad you could make it.

I do love a good ending

and no matter how many seasons
you do this,

you never know who's gonna win

and who's gonna go home
bitter and alone.

Mm. Well, get ready.

It's gonna be a real nail-biter.

- Mm.
- Come on.

- [SIGHS]
- Hey, you.

Hi. Nice to see you again.

I'm Madison.

- Hi.
- This is Margot, my wife.

You never told me you were married.

Gary is so professional.
He never talks about his family.

Just gets right down to business.

I'm gonna get a drink.

♪♪

Are you happy now? He's all yours.

I don't know what you're talking about

- and honestly, I don't care.
- Jeremy's obsessed with you.

And he always will be.

Lord knows why.
You're a manipulative bitch

who gets joy out of
hurting good, decent people.

Least someone's getting what they want.

♪♪

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna give you that, but I mean...

What was that?

Hmm? Some pathetic attempt
to embarrass me

in front of my wife, really?

Mm. Give me a little credit, Gary.

I would never count on

one woman's accusations
of sexual depravity

to bring you down.

So I played it safe
and I brought along .

♪♪

Congratulations.

You are now the lucky defendant

in a class-action sexual
harassment lawsuit.

- So trendy.
- But...

Sorry, Gary, but you know
the rule around here.

Sluts get cut.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, um,

did you break up with Charlie
because of,

you know, like what we did, because
you could never really tell her?

I just... I don't to hurt anyone
anymore, Rach.

No, I get it. Yeah, I know.

What is gonna happen to us when
we go out in the real world, huh?

Guess we just pretend.

I don't know. I guess we owe it
to ourselves to find out.

At least try.

Together, right?

I'm damaged, you're damaged.

[LAUGHS] Let's just
go be damaged together.

You don't understand.
No, I... I don't...

I don't want to be with you anymore.

- Jeremy, I... I...
- No. No, I...

You're this...

you're a stain that I...

I have to live with
for the rest of my life.

I'd rather be alone forever
than be with you.

And I think you're gonna
be alone forever, too.

And honestly, I think
that's best for everyone.

QUINN: Rachel, where are you?
Serena needs to be prepped.


Who's gonna win this thing?

Yeah, I got it.

Trust me, I'm all over it.

♪♪

- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS]

You look so pretty.

- Aw.
- How do you feel?

I feel amazing. I've made my choice.

- Really? Wow.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I realized
that you're... you're so right.

I've been obsessed with
finding the perfect guy,

but I... I think that was just
my fear talking.

I'm really, truly happy.

Okay.


Why aren't you happy about this?

Huh? No, I am.

I am.

I just saw you today and you seemed...

I seemed...?

You know, honestly, it's, like, nothing.
Forget it, please?

Will you please just tell me
who you're choosing?

I'm, like, dying to know.

- Okay, Rachel?
- Hmm?

We have been in this together
from the beginning,

so you can't go silent on me now.

Come on.

Okay, fine, but look, this could
just be me, but it...

it doesn't really seem like
you're feeling it

with either of these guys.

I mean, are you?

What are you talking about?

Please, just tell me that I'm wrong.

Please, just tell me that
you are like % sure,

that you do not have this gnawing
feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Okay, maybe I have butterflies,

but that's normal when anyone's
making a big decision.

Right, I just don't
want you to be worried

that Owen is from this
completely different world

or that Jasper has got
this deep insecurity

underneath all of that snobbiness.

I'm trying not to, because you
said that everybody's flawed

and I can't just Google up
the perfect person.

I mean, that made a lot of sense to me.

I know. I know. I...

Look, I've just had to do this
like a million times.

You know, like, push the suitor
into making a choice

that's good for the show and I just...

I really don't want to do that with you.

You matter to me.

Please, just tell me
that this is what you want.

It is.

- Okay.
- It is.

Okay.

I mean, if you're sure, then I'm sure.

Let's just forget about
those butterflies

and let's go out there
and let's choose your soul mate.

We have to.

♪♪

Welcome, fellow romantics
and lovers of love,

to "Everlasting's" live finale,

where a brave single dad
will face a Wall Street wolf.

That is so beautiful. It's so romantic.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for Owen and Jasper!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, I know that I'm a softy,
but Chetty and I are next.

Fingers crossed, huh?

Uh-huh. Oh, it's... it's gonna happen.

And when it does, it's gonna be...

it's gonna be amazing.

And now, the woman of the hour.

You know what?

What?

I have a really good idea.

Mm-hmm.

Our stunning suitress,

Serena!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

She looks amazing.

Gorgeous.

Okay, okay.

GRAHAM: So who will be
the lucky winner this evening?

And not only of this
beautiful life partner,

but also of a brand-new
Hyundai Santa Fe,

with incredible style
and advanced technology?

Hyundai makes things better.

Really is a very good car.

All right, let's go. Roll the clips.

Come with me, won't you,
as we take a look back


at the journeys that brought us here.

Give it up, ladies and
gentlemen, for Owen and Jaspe!


Ugh. I hate this part.

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪♪

And there they are,

two incredible journeys
to one incredible choice.

Serena, are you ready?

CRYSTAL: Uh, hold on.

This'll just take a minute.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry to interrupt.

Oh, my God. Chet?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

What's happening?

Just... just go with it.
Relax. We're live.

Chetty, you are the love of my life

and I know that I'm the love of yours.

So I was thinking... will you marry me?

[LAUGHTER]

Chetty?

Go, go marry your child bride.

I know that Graham's
an ordained minister,

so we can do it right here, right now,

on the set of this amazing show

that has come from your beautiful heart.

- Chet?
- Oh, come on, you can't just sit there.

The cameras are rolling.
We're live, Chet.

Quinny...

It's okay.

It's good TV. Go.

Come on, let's hear it for Chet.
Come on out, Chet.

The executive producer of
"Everlasting," everyone.

This is amazing!

Live love, right before our eyes!

[APPLAUSE]

This is ridiculous.

I think it's real, dude.

What are we waiting for, right?

This is what we both want.

- GRAHAM: We are gathered here today...
- Uh, no.

- Chetty?
- No?

- Uh, no, no, no.
- [LAUGHS]

[WHISPERING] I can't do this.

I don't want this.

I just can't.

[LAUGHS] Why not?

Well, I'm in love with someone else.

Oh, sh*t.

Even though she doesn't love me,

she doesn't want to be with me,

I'll never settle for anything else.

Who are you in love with?

Don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it.

Quinn.

I love Quinn King.

And I always will.

WOMAN: Who's Quinn?

Quinn?

But she's old

and she can't have babies
and she hates you!

I know. [LAUGHS]

What?!

♪♪

Hey! Get the camera off of me!

Go away, now!

Okay, let's, uh... let's get you home.

But I did everything right.
I treated you like a king.

I sucked your old, shriveled
man balls for like five months!

Okay. [LAUGHS]

What, for nothing?!

- Chet, look at these tits!
- Hey!

You think you're ever gonna see
tits like these again?!

Good luck to you, mister!

Okay, good luck to you. Good luck.

You're such an assh*le!

Get off me!

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

CHET: So, Graham, let's, uh,

see who's, uh, gona get that Hyundai.

Right. Yes. Well, um...

what an exciting...

- Ow. I'm all right.
- almost-wedding that was.

But we still have our main event.

You see, our suitress
has still not announced

the most important decision
she will ever make.

No pressure, Serena.

Sorry, I'm still trying to
process what that was.


- To say the least.
- So are we all.

Serena, this whole thing has been nuts.

But when it's us together,

just you and me, it's perfect.

Oh, look at that!

Marry me.

Make me the happiest man alive.

Owen, you are...

you are such a good man.

Ooh.

- [LAUGHS] Game over.
- That's not a good sign.

I mean, there are no words for
how wonderful you've been,

but... I can't marry you.

I'm so sorry.

♪♪

I'm sorry.

And then there was one.

Serena, uh, since day one, it's been us.

I mean, we both know it.

He's still a cocky prick,
all the way to the end.

[LAUGHTER]

that, well, I really
didn't think was possible

and you've... you've totally
opened up my heart.

JAY: Yeah, baby!

Marry me.

[SIGHS]

Say yes.

Yes!

Jasper, I...
I can see a future with you.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just not % sure
it's the one that I want.

Really?

I'm sorry.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

- No!
- Where's my happy ending?

Where... where is my
happy ending?! Hello?!

I know, right? Old sad.

Shut up.

I... I have wanted this so much,

but I realize that I have to
wait until I know for sure,

in my soul, that I have found
my perfect match.

And I am so grateful

that I have such a true friend
who helped me understand that.

♪♪

GRAHAM: Wow. Did not see that coming.

But what a great night, right,
ladies and gentlemen?

- Huh? What a great night.
- [APPLAUSE]

Because our suitress has chosen
the greatest love of all.


Herself.

Oh, shut up, Graham.

- Okay. Yes.
- Excuse me.

QUINN: No, get... I
need cameras on Owen.

I need a camera on Jasper!

Get the parents, get the brat,

get drama, get tears, get everything!

Go! Go! Go!

Just quick question.

Is anyone gonna take the car?

♪♪

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Come in!

So... Frank from legal
was a nice tip, eh?

Yep. He told me exactly who to call.

How does it feel to be number one?

A lot better than number two,
I'll give you that.

Uh, listen, when that article comes out,

you are going to get a lot of
flack for keeping me around.

I don't know, Quinn.

Nobody's career could survive
an article like this.

more women joined the suit.

Gloria Allred loves you, by the way.

Bet there might be a show in that.

Where is the article about me?

I k*lled it.

In exchange for an exclusive
on Gary's sh*t show.

We're gonna do this the right way.

No more patriarchal bullshit.

Sure. But matriarchal bullshit
is still cool, right?

- [LAUGHS]
- Quinn?

Ah, you remember my producer Madison?

Miss Berlin, I want to say
how excited I am

to see a woman
as the head of the network.

It means a lot to me, especially
since I'm a content creator myself.

Madison sh*t a pilot.

Did you see it? "Hashtag Adulting"?

Gary did not understand it.

Oh.

Well, why don't you
pitch it to me in the car

on the way to the airport?

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

♪♪

Something like that.

RACHEL: Oh, my God, you guys?

Twitter is literally blowing up.
You have to hear this.

Okay, "'Everlasting'
just got lit, y'all,".

"Serena equals feminist hero,
hashtag, know your worth."

I mean, you're, like,
all anyone is talking about.

You've inspired women everywhere
not to settle,

to wait for their Clooney.

That's not what this is, Rachel.

What? What do you mean?

You produced me to pick neither guy.

So, what? I'd end up like you,
empty and alone.

No, I... I produced an
empowered, feminist statement...

- Hmm.
- about not being so desperate

to pair up that you, like,
overlook a mountain of flaws

- just so you can be done.
- [LAUGHS]

Okay. Sure, just the way
that you produced Crystal

to go after the man of her dreams.

Worked out really well for her.

Tell the truth, Rachel.

You don't hate it here.

You love it.

You were smiling.

I saw you.

- Serena...
- No.

You can forget about the job.

I don't want you anywhere near me.

This is exactly where you belong.

Oh. By the way, I made my choice
for me, not you.

I know it must k*ll you to hear
this, but, uh, I feel great.

♪♪

[SIGHS]

♪♪

So... it's your favorite kind of finale.

Everybody's a loser.

Rachel, what happened to you?

I remember the girl
who came back here this season,

- and this is not her.
- Maybe it is.

Maybe this is who I've always been.

♪♪

♪♪

You have a match.

You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

You have a match. You have a match.

♪♪

♪♪

Another great season, Rach!

♪♪

Somebody found love today, huh?!

♪♪

♪♪

Got to admit, I had my doubts,

but this is actually pretty good.

It's a little hipster.

It's kind of out of our demo, but...

I can totally work on that.

What... What are you doing?

Pitching.

Do you want me to stop?

Not yet.

♪♪

So, uh, I guess this is goodbye.

I guess.

But, I mean, we had a pretty
good run, didn't we?

I don't know.

You know, like,
am I delusional in thinking

that I could go somewhere else and fit?

What?

No, no, no, no.

Okay? You are brilliant.

Full stop.

Any direction you point,

anything you decide to do,

you will explode and shine.

You are a star and you always have been.

And I have been doing everything
I can to keep you for myself,

because apparently, I'm a selfish bitch.

Or was.

I don't even, like,
know who I am anymore.

Well, I do.

I know exactly who you are.

You are a dark, twisted wreck,
Rachel Goldberg.

♪ ... to the heart ♪

And I am going to miss every bit of it.

♪ A flood of blood to the heart ♪

To you.

♪ A flood of blood to the heart ♪

♪ A flood of blood to the heart ♪

♪ A flood of blood ♪

♪♪

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

♪♪

♪ Heat shimmers ♪

♪ Silky glistener ♪

♪♪

♪ Open smother ♪

♪ Lipped lover ♪

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Coming!

♪ Dead in the middle of
the C-O-double-M-O-N ♪

♪ Little did I know then
that the Mandela Boys ♪

♪ Soon become Mandela Men ♪

♪♪

♪ On the C ♪

♪ O-double-M-O-N ♪

♪ On the C ♪

♪ O-double-M-O-N ♪

♪♪

♪♪
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