10x94 - Hall of Shame: Debbie, Carl & Liam

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

-- [woman]

All right, now you take the needle, and you scoop the loop.

All right, then you pull it through.

- Ow, f*ck!

- [woman]

Pull it tight.

When the hell does this turn into a pillow?

[Carl clears throat]

What are you doing?

[Debbie]

Knitting.

You making another self-sculpture?

[scoffs]

Looks just like you.

f*ck off.

- What, another weed bread?

- Yeah, makes some good money.

Well, there goes my pandemic girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Had.

Sasha just broke up with me.

- Sasha?

- [camera shutter clicking]

I even changed my name to "Liam Rodenstein." Thought if being a Black Jew worked for Drake, it might work for me.

- [Carl]

It didn't?

- Almost.

Till she found out I'm a Gallagher.

What's going on?

Frank, drunk, looking for a bed.

- Who the hell let him?

- Debbie?

Why can't he sleep out on the porch?

[Carl]

It's warm enough.

[Frank]

I want my bed back!

Oh, hell no!

Morning, Frank.

This is my house!

It's okay, Daddy.

You can sleep in my room.

- [giggles]

- Debbie stole a baby.

- Why?

- It's Debbie.

Why would you steal a little boy and dress him like a little girl?

You took away Aunt Ginger.

Who is Aunt Ginger?

[Fiona]

Social Security wants to talk to Ginger, and he was too lazy to go get the real one.

- She's dead.

- No!

[Lip]

Debs, you never met her.

[Debbie]

And now I never will.

- I'm in mourning.

- When did she die?

Twelve years ago.

You've been cashing her checks.

That's a felony.

- What are we gonna do now?

- Well...

- I like that one.

- Too lucid.

[whispered]

What about her?

Everything is just the way I remember it.

- She was my friend.

- Why did you take the boy?

He was crying, and nobody cared.

- So I took him.

- How'd you get him out?

- I waved a Snickers bar at him.

- [sighs]

Dear Lord, thank you for this food that we're about to eat, and please make my brother Clayton burn in hell for all eternity when the time comes.

Amen.

[all]

Amen.

[Upbeat music]

Liam, if you want a Popsicle, show me your hands.

Hands off your package, or no treat!

- I need my own room.

- Carl, quit it.

- I'm gonna be a woman soon.

- Enough.

I can't be in the same room where Liam is constantly masturbating.

It's not masturbating if nothing comes out.

Please, let me catch my breath - Shh.

- It's : a.m.

Is that our Halloween candy?

- Movie night.

- We have school in the morning.

- Paranormal Activity .

- Right?

- My buddy sh*t this at the AMC.

- Okay please - It's rated R.

- For "really f*cking scary." So sit there and learn.

- Whoa!

- [all screaming]

- Get him in the coffin.

- [Veronica]

Watch your head.

Looks dead.

Hey, Carl, more ice.

- Got it.

- Sorry for your loss.

- It was a shock.

- [sobbing]

I know you're faking it.

Come on!

What's the matter with you?

Look at him, he's dead.

- And you'll be going?

- Soon as he's in the ground.

- [glass shatters]

- [car alarm blares]

We need something to put in the coffin.

Okay.

[Fiona]

Ready?

Lift.

Wait, she broke up with you because you're a Gallagher?

Yeah, says we're all crazy.

f*ck that.

I'll f*cking k*ll her.

- Are you in?

- I'm in.

We can inject the vid into this bread.

Leave it on her front steps.

She'll never see it coming.

I don't think that's how that works.

What are you, some kind of doctor?

You're both crazy.

- Tough break.

- f*ck you.

He said both of us.

- I'm not crazy!

- Huh.

[groaning]

[screaming]

- [laughing]

- [screaming]

Watering the plants.

Ha!

[Carl]

I'm done with the flyer.

It's "fundraiser," not "fun razor." Want to make them think someone's getting cut.

[imitates cutting sound]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The bat is for k*lling, not for taking to school.

[Debbie]

Didn't Fiona tell you to stop electrocuting dolls?

[Carl]

They have to pay for their sins.

I want to go to the forest and k*ll something.

The kids have been making papier-mâché sculptures.

This is Carl's.

[Monroe]

A papier-mâché pile of sh*t.

Who in the hell is raising this degenerate?

[Frank]

You should be coloring me a thank-you note of gratitude that the half of you that came from me wasn't spooged on your mother's neck, but instead was guided by yours truly to get up inside of her to start the life of you.

So walk and talk with gratitude, son.

[chuckles]

I was just kidding.

- [loud whoosh]

- [gasps]

- How's your head?

- Little dizzy.

You're fine.

Go eat some breakfast.

Don't set the house on fire.

Just kidding.

[mouths words]

Yo, yo, yo, Destructo, that's my toaster!

What?

Oh, sh*t!

Where'd Carl go?

- Ninja!

- Carl, no!

Ah!

- No!

- [Lip]

sh*t!

[Fiona]

sh*t, Carl.

That actually kinda worked.

[emergency sirens approaching]

- It's his first offense.

- His first criminal offense.

He's got double digit suspensions at school.

[Carl]

If you pick on asshead again, I'm gonna chew your nuts off with my teeth.

Heard you talking about my little brother Liam

- on the bus this morning.

- You mean your Ret*rded brother?

[lawyer]

He sent three kids home with concussions,

- two with busted eardrums...

- I think you broke my nose.

[lawyer]

... and one with a ruptured testicle.

It was gym.

Decided to play kickball.

- What if he shows remorse?

- What's that?

- It means you say you're sorry.

- I'm not.

- Lie.

- [bird squawks]

sh*t a duck.

That's no duck.

That's a bald eagle.

[Rock music]

Ahhhh!

Okay, I guess we are a little crazy.

Yeah, well, can you blame us?

Look at our parents.

Monica.

[high-pitched]

You wanna go shopping?

Oh, pretty girls' day out!

[normal voice]

Come on, let's go.

Whoa!

I got it.

[chuckles]

[Frank]

... why anyone would go to the zoo sober.

Hey, you having fun back there?

[chuckles]

Ah, Debbie.

Hi, honey.

Debs, now.

Debs, you wanna come play?

- Yeah.

- No.

Monica's gotta go.

She's your mother, Fi.

You only get one.

It's like watching a hurricane head for shore.

- Good morning, sweetheart.

- Mom.

- We don't have any money.

- Oh, Liam!

Look at you, my little brown bear.

Oh, look how big you are.

- How long is she staying?

- Only forever and a day.

I think this must be the place.

Can I get out?

It's hot in here.

- No.

- Ow!

Frank.

I came to get you out.

I told you, I don't want out.

[Jill]

Stop.

Did you come?

This is Jill.

Jill, this is my husband, Frank.

[laughs]

Oops.

Mom?

Come on, you and me.

We can take the new car.

Can't get enough Carl and Mommy time.

Do you need some new clothes?

We could stop at JCPenney.

Hm.

I can drive.

No.

Do you have a license?

Quick, quick, Carl, switch places.

Come on.

Hi.

You're supposed to be wearing your seatbelt.

sh*t, Carl, I shrunk your jersey.

- I thought you were Carl.

- This is Little Hank.

- That's your mom?

- [Monica]

Hey, handsome.

Made some cookies.

They're on the table.

[mouths words]

[tires screeching]

I love you, Debbie!

Yeah, and Frank.

Who was around just enough to f*ck us up.

Cancer?

[Rock music]

How did I get cancer?

You musta caught it from Grammy, son.

If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time with you in the basement, cooking meth.

Excuse me.

My grandmother's having an allergy att*ck, and I need to buy her some Sudafed, but I'm under , and her driver's license was revoked.

Can you please buy it for her?

You making meth?

Free rock when we're up and running.

Am I going to die?

[Rock music]

I hope not.

But right now, we have to fight and fight hard.

You ready to fight with me, Carl?

Why do we have to shave it?

Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer?

Cancer people are always bald.

Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.

I'll get you a hat.

- I'll get you a hat.

- [clippers buzz]

[laughter]

This is nice, the two of us just hanging out, getting to know each other.

We should do this more often.

Wanna snort the next batch?

No.

My foster gays have a lot of nice stuff.

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

IPods, computers.

- How often they there?

- They work weekends.

- Can you pick a lock?

- I have their security code.

That's all right.

Are you good with fractions?

Fractions of what?

Like, if you have / of an ounce of something, how many grams would that be?

- Are you dealing dr*gs?

- No.

Basic overview.

You got flaps, half G's, G's, teeners, -balls, and ounces.

An ounce is grams, an -ball is .

, and a teener is .

, but the dealers round down.

So they pocket the extra .

.

You following?

I might need to write this down.

- Frank.

- Yes, son?

Why would a dude put his penis in another dude's mouth?

Sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia to female genitalia.

So some guys like to lick wieners?

Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted to each other's build, and once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked.

What are you doing?

Making a little easy summer moolah, the Gallagher way.

- [Debbie]

Where's Liam?

- In the car.

Did you cr*ck a window?

Left the engine running for the AC.

You left a toddler in a running car in this neighborhood?

Stay.

Stay down.

Stay down!

What about Fiona?

She wasn't so bad.

Who?

- [laughter]

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Come on, give me that arm.

Liam's breaking it down.

Must be nice not to own a home and have to deal with this stuff.

Yeah, it gives me more time to buy dr*gs and fence stolen goods.

[Lip]

Is something burning?

You smell that?

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t!

- sh*t!

- [laughs]

- [smoke alarm blares]

- f*ck, burn the house down.

Okay, burn the food, too.

I'm going through something here.

Yeah, looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona.

Have another one.

Hey, Hector, is there any way that you could...

I can't this time, Fiona.

It's not the first time we got shut off.

- Won't be the last.

- Is there any way that you could

- scrape the money together today?

- We have it.

She just forgot to pay it.

[cheering]

[Debbie]

Fiona!

Fiona!

- Oh, sh*t.

- [Debbie]

What's on his face?

[Fiona]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Step back.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ow!

Ow!

Get off me!

- You are going to that clinic!

- You're hurting me!

- Ow!

- Stop it!

Help, my sister's trying to force me to get an abortion!

Fiona!

Get off her!

No, we are going to that f*cking clinic!

[both panting]

f*cking Gallaghers.

We never stood a chance.

Jeez, no wonder why Liam's so bummed out.

You're the one saying we're crazy.

Why are you coming at me?

[Rock music]

I will s*ab you until you bleed to death if you don't quit it out.

We gotta empty the pool out, Conrad.

You guys gotta get out of here.

Go screw this end of the hose into Tony's spigot so we can siphon the water out.

Or we could just do it this way.

Carl!

I'll patch it up next summer.

- [Carl]

See ya.

- [sighs]

Good luck getting laid smelling like fried dough all day.

You always smell like that.

What's your excuse?

- b*tches and hormones.

- [Debbie gasps]

- Ha.

- [belches]

[Liam belches]

Ew, don't learn from him, Liam.

He's disgusting.

[Lip]

What's this?

[Carl]

Creepy art she's making 'cause her boyfriend dumped her.

I'm expressing myself creatively.

You're counting underarm hair with a mirror.

Check it out, four new ones.

Get off of me!

[Fiona]

Who are you texting, Debs?

- Her boyfriend.

[smacks lips]

- Shut up, Carl.

- Why do guys care so much about sex?

- Because it feels awesome.

Like you would know.

If my hand is anything like the real thing, it's off the chain.

Shut up, zit head.

- At least I got zits, no-pubes girl.

- [Fiona]

Okay, enough.

I plan to bang as many chicks as I can and get so good at it they even pay me to do it.

Ha, yeah right.

You're in a wheelchair.

Chicks dig wheelchairs.

I swear to God, if you lose your virginity before I do, I'll s*ab you to death in your sleep.

We should go talk to him.

You don't tell me to go.

I tell you to go.

[Debbie]

Let's go.

Liam, you don't need a COVID girlfriend.

[Carl]

You don't even need a girlfriend.

They're complicated.

- [tires screech]

- sh*t.

Gallagher!

[Carl]

What are you doing here?

[groans]

Let me go.

- Are you law enforcement?

- Friend.

Let me go, Kelly.

Oh, you're Kelly?

Now that's a woman.

So what do you wanna do?

I can get my hands on some firecrackers.

- Cool.

- It's fake.

- Looks real!

- Empty the register!

Yeah, I'm just gonna hand over my money to the Lollipop Guild.

Whoa, sh*t!

You said it was fake!

Hey, what's shaking, cupcake?

Ew, what's that stink?

Smells like animal butt and fireplace.

Hey girl, I'm Carl.

I'll just call you my angel.

That, ladies?

That's the smell of a real man.

I always got room for my number one boo thang.

Do you have a straight-up brain injury?

You can ride my joint if you want.

Go away, Muppet.

But I'm a cr*pple.

[alarm blares]

Grab those cupcakes and get chocolate milk.

- How many cartons?

- As much as you can carry.

- You're fun, you know that?

- Yeah, you too.

You're an officer and a gentleman, Carl Gallagher.

Only decent thing is your brother.

- Next.

- We call him Carl-lingus.

I'm going back for seconds.

- Are you a virgin?

- [scoffs]

Hell no.

- I am.

- Yeah, me too.

I was thinking maybe you and me...

- condoms?

- In hours.

You up for the challenge, Gallagher?

- Uh, yeah.

- Then prove it, p*ssy.

- seconds or less?

- No problem.

What the hell?

How stupid do you think I am, Carl?

[Carl]

No, no!

You lying piece of sh*t!

[groans]

Ow, ow, ow.

Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?

- Is Dom here?

- Nope.

Wh... she's right there.

Dad found out that I was skipping softball camp to hang out with you.

He'll k*ll you if he finds you here.

He only has one working limb.

That doesn't scare me.

I'ma give you a ten-second head start.

You better run, boy.

Go!

Ten, nine...

[Carl]

I won't stop seeing you!

- Dom, I won't stop seeing you!

- Eight.

I always go down on you, but you don't ever go down on me.

Your thing has all this extra skin, and it kinda freaks me out.

I can do it, but I don't recommend it.

I'd suggest you find another girl.

I don't want another girl.

I cut the tip of my d*ck off for you.

Carl, meet shithead.

Carl, the dude who trimmed his d*ck?

- You're not circumcised?

- Hell no.

I don't mind it anymore.

You know she's got gonorrhea, right?

No one is ever gonna love you as hard as I do, Carl Gallagher, no one.

- Is that your blood?

- Yeah, it's your blood now.

You possess me, and vice versa.

Here, come here.

I'll try not to nick an artery.

Kas, where you at?

- [choking]

- Kas.

[gasping]

You really do love me.

I will never be okay with being away from you, bae!

Never!

Carl!

Carl, get off the bus!

Get off the bus, Carl!

Carl!

Carl, come back!

I love you!

Only two more days until the end of school.

Mrs. Gallagher's waiting for you.

- [soldiers chanting]

- I'm doing my Kegels.

I love you!

She's still at it.

[Kassidi]

Carl, Carl, he's my man!

If he can't f*ck me, no one can!

What are you doing?

My friend Janice said this is what you do when a condom breaks.

Plan B, aisle two.

Monistat, aisle three.

So are you done being a p*ssy and ready to get back to being the man that I love?

What?

Damn, you're dense.

[man]

Carl Francis Hashish Gallagher.

Yo, Gallagher!

You're a disgrace, Gallagher.

I never want to see your face again, not on my campus and not ever in my army.

Yeah, baby!

Yeah!

Carl, let's go.

f*ck the tent.

We're having sex in my room.

[Kelly]

Carl!

I better go.

Yeah, I guess you better.

If she's not gonna date you because of your last name, just find someone else who will.

I don't want just someone.

Yeah, well, you don't wanna be lonely.

Just find someone who makes you laugh.

- Or who's easy.

- No.

Find someone who appreciates you for you.

I mean, I've been in, like, ten relationships, and they've all been with wonderful people.

- Does this make you...

cray?

- Uh-um...

I really like him, and I think it's time we take it to the next level.

Mm, how old are you now?

Thirteen.

What took you so long?

Ha, this is why I came to you.

- Little Hank?

What does he like?

- I don't know, stuff.

Why?

He doesn't even notice me.

Are you sure you're sending strong enough signals?

[Debbie]

I've tried.

- Hi.

- Hi.

[Kev]

Guys are pretty dumb.

Sometimes you have to put something shiny in the window to get 'em in the store.

What are you doing?

I'm sending stronger signals.

- There.

- This will get his attention.

Who's your friend?

Think I may become a nun.

Nuns don't have sex, right?

You look too pretty to be a nun.

What do you actually do?

I mean, I've seen p*rn, but I'm not sure I understand all the technicalities.

Show me your seductions face.

What are you doing wearing my top?

Pheromones.

I'm borrowing them.

Pheromones?

It's the thing boys like about you.

- You mean tits?

- Holy sh*t.

He is man.

You try seductions face.

[Kev]

What the hell are you doing?

Five minutes ago, you were a baby.

[Svetlana]

But she looks good, yes?

[Kev]

Agh!

I'm not answering that.

This means yes.

- Where are you going?

- Out.

Are those my boots?

Are you okay?

No, I gotta lie down.

Matty accused me of raping him.

- What?

- I know!

You date r*ped me.

We were on a date?

No, Debbie, you statutory r*ped yourself.

He was drunk, but his thing wasn't.

- I don't understand.

- Friends don't r*pe friends.

Listen, Debs, a million guys would k*ll to be r*ped by you.

Ugh, would you shut up already?

- This is my house.

- [Derek]

Okay.

She's putting all that skank makeup on to get out of the friend zone with that Derek dude.

We're not in the friend zone.

- Talk to you later?

- Yeah.

If he punches your arm, it means you guys are friends.

What the hell is going on?

I don't want you as my friend.

I want you as my boyfriend.

Look at me, I'm nice, funny, smart, and I'd f*ck up anyone that hurts you.

I'm sick of having to change who I am or wait till I'm older.

I'd be a great girlfriend, and if you can't see that, screw you!

- I like you too.

- You do?

I am a woman!

- Debbie.

- Larry?

- I'm here with Scarlet.

- Hi.

- Both of us are pregnant.

- I'm into pregnant girls.

You are my only seven-monther.

Oh, my God.

- Whoa!

- Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Debbie]

So let me get this straight.

You have your own place, your own money, and nobody to take care of you.

Excuse me, are you lactating?

He can't help it.

He has brain damage.

Ah, your breath smells like Pop-Tarts.

You have a good ass; it makes up for your small tits.

- Cute baby.

- No, it's not.

I love you, Debbie.

- I love you too.

- Yeah?

[laughter]

- [cheering]

- f*ck yeah!

- [phone rings]

- Neil, what is it?

Can you come home and give me a sponge bath?

- No.

- I'll do it.

Hey, guys.

Came home early to spend some quality time.

- Um...

- It's over, Debbie.

I'm in love with my nurse, and you're a horrible person.

[Upbeat music]

- Hey.

- Hey.

[Debbie]

I think I might be gay.

Have you had sex with another woman?

I did once, a woman I was babysitting for.

Oh, Debbie.

Carl, hey.

Um, I need some help.

Got any tips on gay sex?

Do the shocker.

I'll text you a pic.

No, no, no, Debbie.

Oh...

ah!

Oh-oh!

Deb-Debbie.

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

Have you been with a girl since?

Yep, I just made out with one in a bathroom.

[Ian]

Well, that's a start.

I don't like talking about my feelings.

It's called lesbianism, Debbie.

It's what we do.

I thought sex with women is what lesbians do.

Yeah, and you're bad at that too.

How did you guys know that you were lesbians?

You either like girls or you don't.

- I thought I did.

- Look at me.

Oh, here we go.

[Mel]

You like that?

That's all the lesbian you need to be.

I met this awesome woman last night at a hotel bar.

She's older than me, but not in a rapey way.

What are you here for?

I was hoping to have a good conversation with a nice woman.

Looks like I hit the jackpot.

She's got this beautiful smile and these bright eyes, and these sexy little Lisa Loeb glasses.

- Debs.

- So anyways, we spent the night together last night, and then she gave me this.

Holy sh*t.

- [Claudia]

Did you find it?

- Yeah!

- She thinks you're a prost*tute.

- What?

Can you pick Julia up after school?

- Julia?

- My kid.

Did I not tell you about her?

You've really drunk my mom's Kool-Aid, haven't you?

Is that a sex thing?

'Cause probably.

[Megan]

You're doing the mom and the daughter?

- That's hot.

- It's going south fast.

So Debbie and I are f*cking.

[chuckles]

Excuse me?

No screens for a week.

We have an arrest warrant for Deborah Gallagher.

No sh*t.

What for?

Statutory r*pe of a minor, Julia Nicolo.

- f*ck.

- We got a runner!

- What's going on?

- When's your th birthday?

Stop!

Police!

I can kinda understand why Sasha wouldn't wanna be with me.

Sorry, buddy, it's the family you were born into.

Just gotta embrace it.

Why am I the only one in the family that has black skin?

Liam, ah!

It has something to do with Monica's granddad, although we never really got a straight answer.

Hey, Frank, do you know who banged a Black person in our family lineage?

This is your great-great aunt.

[Frank]

Someone from your mother's grandfather's side of the family had a mistress.

Twice removed on your third cousin's...

Well, look, I'm not exactly sure what the genealogy is.

- And she was Black?

- She is Black.

- Is she still alive?

- Lives down the street.

Why didn't you tell me?

[man]

Get away from the house, Frank.

You know the rules.

♪ Baby come on give me, won't you give me ♪

That's why, son.

What's going on?

Trying to figure out who I am.

What's my identity.

Dr. King, Dr. Dre?

[chuckles]

Maybe you should set your sights lower, you know, like Tyga, Nelly, or maybe one of the Wayans brothers, or Lester Holt.

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ I, I, I ♪

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ I, I, I ♪

♪ Can you dig it ♪

♪ I, I, I ♪

I just want to know who I am.

You're a Gallagher, same as me.

You just gotta embrace it.

I hate to agree with Debbie, but she's right.

Uh, sorry, one more time for the people in the back.

Just be a Gallagher.

Be a Gallagher.

[Smooth music]

Get everything you can.

Raggedy looking stuff.

These are great.

♪ Gotta put it on the line ♪

Don't let the death of an orphaned African child be on your conscience this holiday season.

He has AIDS.

Please, give money.

Keep shivering, that's really great.

- Here, that's all I got, man.

- God bless you.

Jesus loves you.

f*ck you, Frank.

Do your thing, hey Baby, just a taste.

♪ Do your thing yeah ♪

♪ Do your thing ♪

♪ Don't give up, do your thing ♪

[coughs]

It's not working.

I'm sorry, man.

f*cking meds.

Could also be the toddler staring at us from the corner.

Can you take Liam to Head Start on your way?

Like I've done every day for the last four months?

Yes, I think I can handle that.

Come on, Liam!

No, no, no.

No weapons in juvie.

Where's Debbie?

Said something about going out to buy dr*gs.

You couldn't stop her?

- I'm injured.

- Boom, boom, boom.

That's right, my little eggplant.

Boom, boom, boom.

- Aw, f*ck.

- [Debbie]

What?

She's dead.

Isn't it past his bedtime?

- Liam, no, don't look!

- [Mickey]

Little late for that.

Look, put the kid to bed, come back, we'll deal with this.

Come on, Debbie, go.

Night, buddy.

That girl Stella in there is trying to hook up with me.

Cool.

Lucky you.

What do I do?

Take her up to your room.

Dim the lights.

Strike a manly pose.

Put on some sexy music, like Barry White.

♪ Do your thing ♪ Son...

what say we pick up some hos?

Your share of the bills this month, $ .

I don't have $ .

Then make $ .

- I'm nine.

- Figure it out.

I hereby appoint you the Gallagher Special Diplomatic Envoy to Nigeria.

Your first duty: help me sell a baby.

Hot Gay Jesus.

Bet we can make money off of that.

How?

Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt-ridden pry open their wallets.

It's Pavlovian.

Don't miss out.

All profits go to help gays across the planet.

Are we really gonna give all of our money to Ian?

No, of course not.

Thank you so much for waiting.

Gay Jesus loves you and blesses you.

Time to expand our business, son.

Let's get 'em loaded in.

Welcome.

We have a -hour journey ahead of us.

I'll help you.

We'll play a little get-to-know-you game as soon as you're comfortably settled in.

Boom.

Step right up and help build a border wall.

A buck a brick.

Keep illegals out of the South Side.

Thank you.

Thanks for making America great again.

Thank you.

I wanna go to school, Frank.

Well, people in hell want cold beer.

- What's in it for me?

- I'll call Child Services.

You're my father.

You've abandoned me.

Well played, son, but I'm re-abandoning you right after this is done.

I hate Gallaghers.

You m*therf*ckers bring out the worst in everybody.

What, you proud of that?

Hey, man, I know who I am.

Be a Gallagher.

I think I can do that.

Thank you.

This actually helped.

I'm glad we could have this talk.

I can take it from here.

[chuckles]

Ah, I'm k*lling this sh*t.

He's lucky to have me.

[g*n clicks]

- Is that my g*n?

- [Liam]

Yeah.

- Is that Franny's Cabbage Patch?

- Yeah.

You mind taking a picture of me?

What are you doing?

Taking your advice on how to land a girlfriend.

Being a Gallagher, leaning into it.

- Leaning into what?

- Being a teen mom.

[scoffs]

[upbeat rock music]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, f*ck!

- Sorry.

Don't embarrass me like that.

You can't have a boy in your bed.

Why not?

You do.

- I'm a grown-up.

- I'm pregnant.

[chuckling]

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

Are you sure?

- It's positive.

- So we're pregnant?

Would you like to discuss your options going forward?

No, no, no, thank you.

We're having this baby.

- You're not pregnant?

- I'm not.

[relieved sigh]

Hi, Mrs. D.

Is Derek here?

He's moving to Florida to live with his grandmother.

I'm sorry.

He can't go to Florida!

He's the father of my child!

I'm carrying your grandchild!

[Fiona]

Can I help you?

We'd like to talk to you about the baby.

- What baby?

- Derek and Debbie's baby.

[Carl]

Holy sh*t.

What else did I miss?

[Fiona]

Lay down, lay down, lay down.

All right, I'm gonna go get my truck so we can go to the hospital.

No!

No hospital!

- We don't have time to argue.

- Ahhh!

No sh*t, this baby is coming!

- Now?

- She's crowning.

- Oh.

- Who delivered Liam?

Monica.

She was high.

He slid right out.

- You worked at a nursing home.

- Changing bedpans.

I never delivered a damn baby.

- [Lip]

It says we need towels!

- [Fiona]

Already got 'em.

Okay, okay, so put 'em under to catch all the...

f*ck, just put 'em under.

sh*t!

You're gonna start pushing now, okay?

- [Sean]

Uh-huh.

- All right, here we go.

- All right.

- Ready and push!

- [screaming]

- [Veronica]

Push, Debbie, push.

[all screaming]

Eww.

- [screaming continues]

- You gotta open your legs up.

My daughter.

She's so big.

Hey, good morning, Franny.

Trying to set a good example for Franny.

When life gets tough, you smack a smile on your face

- and face the day.

- How is she so f*cking perky?

She's headed for a major crash.

[Franny crying]

- Franny still asleep?

- [door slams]

[whispered]

Quiet!

- [Franny cries]

- Ah, f*ck!

Everything terrifies me...

SIDS, jaundice, germs, reflux.

- [thud]

- [Franny cries]

I think the dr*gs are kicking in.

[laughs]

_ I can't do it, Franny.

I'm not a good mother.

_ [alarm blares]

[indistinct radio chatter]

♪ Maybe all this is a mistake ♪

♪ That I can't seem to shake ♪

♪ But the way we live is the way we die ♪

Holy sh*t, it costs $ , new.

Yeah, that's going on Craigslist.

We'll steal the stroller someone wants instead of finding someone who wants the stroller we have.

- [phone chimes]

- Hi, you contacted me about the Baby Bugaboo?

Yes, it's still here.

How much did you want again?

- How about , ?

- You're haggling with me?

Isn't that what Craigslist is all about?

It's also about people advertising baby stuff and when the pregnant lady shows up, they cut the baby out of her stomach.

We have such a bright life now.

Double stroller.

We could get a lot for that.

[baby crying]

sh*t.

[baby crying]

[Liam]

So my two role models are either a teen mom or a white boy drug dealer.

[chuckles]

[smooth music]

All right, I'm out.

Off to deal dr*gs on a Saturday morning?

- Yep.

- Impressive work ethic, son.

What's in those bags, Carl?

Horse.

Why are you taping horse to my tummy?

'Cause I'm your uncle, and you're my niece, and you do what I say.

Okay, Uncle Carl.

Whoo

[dog barking]

- You alone?

- Uncle Carl!

- [officer]

Chicago Police, open up!

- Go, run.

[police sirens]

Put your hands in the air now!

All right, don't sh**t!

I'm white!

- Do you regret what you've done, Carl?

- I did something really dumb, and I shouldn't have.

I trusted a f*cking ret*rd with a man's job.

Next time I move a bunch of dr*gs, I'll be smarter.

[judge]

That's not what I was hoping to hear.

I know what you were hoping to hear.

If Your Honor would lose pounds, I would consider tapping that.

I sentence you to the maximum of one year at the Illinois Department of Corrections Juvenile Justice Division.

Yes, please.

Why the f*ck did you do that, Carl?

My street cred will be off the chain.

- We'll send letters.

- He'll be okay.

Hell, he's gonna be running the joint.

Any chance he'll get scared straight?

- No.

- Hell no.

I know what you did.

Kept your mouth shut.

Coulda gave him up, coulda made things easier for yourself.

Word.

- [Carl]

Forty-nine, fifty.

- Gallagher.

Ready to go?

♪ Sweat ♪

♪ Work ♪

♪ Sweat ♪

[man]

White Boy Carl!

[all]

White Boy Carl!

White Boy Carl!

White Boy Carl!

White Boy Carl!

White Boy Carl!

♪ Hey ♪

Where you want these at, Mr. Gallagher?

Right over there with the rest of the shipment.

[Fiona]

What the hell is going on?

[Carl]

Upgraded the crib since it's technically mine now.

[Fiona]

Ah, not with my name on the deed, it's not.

My money, it is.

Place gonna be popping.

You feel me?

♪ Shut your mouth, shut up ♪

- ♪ Shut your mouth ♪

-Thug for life, homes.

- [Carl]

I gotta bounce.

- Bye You stay out front while I go in and offer Mr. Wu a little neighborhood protection policy.

♪ Who brings the fight ♪ ♪ to your door like us ♪

Like taking candy from an Asian dry cleaner.

- Where you getting all this money?

- Job, saved up.

You better not be selling dr*gs again, Carl.

No.

Next.

- You know why you're here?

- I need to buy a g*n.

Glock .

A mere $ .

Walk tall.

- Students talk.

- So?

I want a Glock.

A nine-millimeter semi with an extended mag.

We're talking about a Smith & Wesson Lady model.

Pink handle would be nice.

- [woman]

g*n!

- [all screaming]

Get your hands in the air

♪ And say yeah ♪

[Debbie]

What are you doing?

The new-and-improved Liam, or Lil G for short.

Are you sure you're not just leaning into Black stereotypes?

No, I'm leaning into being a Gallagher.

Okay, I'm going live.

What up, what up?

It's your boy Lil G coming at you live from the Gallagher house.

Let me give you a tour.

Is that what he really thinks of us?

Yeah.

We did what we had to do to survive.

[Rock music]

You in this game for life, m*therf*cker.

I need to get out of the game.

Can I get my old job back?

I need money for m*llitary school.

[man]

Oh, what the f*ck?

[Carl]

sh*t, I got him.

[man groans]

[Carl]

I see you found the little copper treat I left you.

- Who are you?

- I'm your worst f*cking nightmare.

You know what makes a man?

Discipline.

Conviction.

Strength of character.

Deciding against all odds you alone define your destiny.

I want to be able to see my face in these by the end of the day.

[Fiona]

Well, I can lend you the money.

No, I need to earn my own way back into school.

I already got someone on dishes.

I'll empty and clean the grease trap.

[retches]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what the f*ck is that smell?

f*ck, it's like rotten, rancid eggs.

No time to shower.

"Need the car to make money?

Thanks.

Carl." - You called for an Uber?

- [woman]

You Kendrick?

- I'm Carl.

Where you going?

- No thank you.

I charge ten bucks less than whatever you were gonna pay.

Okay.

Carl, I said no Uber.

That's my car!

You can't just take it whenever you feel like it.

You did it, man.

You're clean.

[man]

Thank you.

Who the hell is this?

This is my girlfriend.

I was at Betty Ford three times.

It didn't work for me, cost a fortune.

You cleaned me up in five days.

Here.

That's five grand from my parents.

Plus, Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you , for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.

In hours, you will be free of your addiction.

Livestock's been fed and watered, sir.

Jesus, Carl, your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house.

It smells like afterbirth down there.

[Carl]

I will now begin intake.

State your name and your parents' net worth in a loud and clear voice.

I know you're selling vape pens to little Mexican kids, and I want to go into business with you.

We'll split profits / .

Liam and I will go to the playground, round up new buyers, and here is your supplies.

Menthol?

Trust me, my customers will love it.

[Winslow]

You can ride with me.

We'll get to know each other better.

[siren blares]

He's running.

Stay in the car.

Hey, stop!

[grunts]

- Who the hell are you?

- The law, m*therf*cker!

Don't hit your head on the way in, punk.

Well, I'll be damned.

You got any more tricks up your sleeve?

Thanks for the ride, Sergeant Winslow.

What was all that about?

Think I wanna be a cop.

I'm here to join the police academy.

I have three skills to offer you, sir.

I like to choke things, I'm good with weapons, and I got a buttload of rage in my heart.

I think I've got a place better suited for your talent.

Sanitation department.

Breakfast is served.

You guys eat out of the garbage?

You just show up out of nowhere, acting like you're too good to eat a dumpster bagel.

Strikes me as a little suspicious.

Eat.

Except cinnamon raisin.

Those go to the boss man.

♪ Suddenly magic ♪

- [horn blares]

- We're finishing up.

Move it up.

Come on back.

f*ck that guy.

Beautiful world

[man groaning]

[man]

We ain't got no free services, you heard?

So give us what you owe, or we're gonna be at every open house you got.

What's up with the open house thing?

You ask a lot of questions, Gallagher.

- You a cop, Carl?

- Hell no.

Sir, garbage is dirty.

Keep it up.

You're gonna make one hell of a cop someday, Gallagher.

See, it's not all bad.

Yeah, well, I made something of myself.

How am I gonna afford $ ?

- You could get a job.

- Is The Alibi hiring?

I need to get a job.

I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I worked here.

That's cents a pound.

That will be $ .

, please.

You overcharged her.

It's cents a pound.

Sign's in the window.

I took that sign down.

Fifty cents a pound is low.

As long as it's under a dollar, nobody really does the math,

- and we increase profits by %.

- Smart.

[Smooth music]

That'll show those misogynistic m*therf*ckers.

Only two dicks left.

- En garde!

- Ooh!

[laughter]

Okay, who's next?

- [woman]

You c**t!

- [Fiona]

I tried to be nice.

Open the gate.

And good afternoon to you too, sir.

[engine revs]

[man]

Who the f*ck welded a dumpster to my f*cking car?

[camera shutter clicks]

[Debbie]

Okay, now let's do some without my helmet.

How does my hair look?

I don't know, red?

Just take the pictures.

What do you need these for?

I'm trying to get some freelance welding work.

Hi, I'm here to discuss payment options for my class, Advanced Arc Welding, second level.

Bring this back tomorrow with bucks.

Added to the that you already put down, that's % of the tuition.

- I can't bend past that.

- Thank you.

[dog barks]

- Toto!

- [barks]

Toto, Toto, stop.

[siren blares]

- Go.

- Yo, ditch the weed!

What the hell?

Is that what you've been barking at?

Think I may have a cheap supplier who specializes in weed.

How much do we need to sell to make bucks by tomorrow?

I can unload it.

Who's your supplier?

He goes by the street name Toto.

[Toto barks]

Good boy, Toto.

Ah, Mommy's gonna get her tuition.

Hi, sign me up for second semester, please.

Oh, it's good to see you made it back.

Don't ask.

[chuckles]

You guys, Farhad found me a temp job that pays bucks an hour.

- Oh, yeah?

- Some nighttime welding gig.

Oh, nighttime welding.

Sounds kinda sketchy, Debs.

It took me two weeks to make bucks walking dogs.

I can handle sketchy.

[man]

Hey, scab m*therf*cker!

[indistinct chatter]

[man]

Go, go!

f*cking run!

Debbie, Debbie, run!

Come here, you m*therf*cker!

[man]

sh*t!

[indistinct shouting]

It's wrong and it's dangerous.

I'm never being a scab again.

[Farhad]

Hey, I just got a tip for another gig.

Pays even more.

I'm in.

[Upbeat music]

- [loud crunch]

- [screaming]

[Farhad]

Debbie!

- [Debbie screaming]

- Call !

[groaning]

- [Debbie sighs]

- Whoa.

Okay, just how we practiced.

Start with the little one, cut the joint.

Once you start, do not stop until you cut off all three.

Ow!

f*ck!

Okay, let's do this.

I can see it in your eyes now

[Debbie groans]

♪ It ain't no secret and there ♪

♪ won't be no surprise now ♪

sh*t!

[groans]

♪ Seen that look on you before ♪

♪ There's only one way this can go ♪

♪ What you waiting for ♪

♪ I know you like it ♪

♪ I know you do ♪

♪ I know you crave it, I know ♪

♪ What you waiting for ♪

[Carl]

I mean, I'm a much better role model to Liam.

You'll always be a teen mom.

Okay, White Boy Carl.

Do you want some mayonnaise to go along with that cultural appropriation?

f*ck you, and pregnant.

MTV ain't sh*t anymore, and neither are you.

Well, at least I didn't turn on my own and become a cop.

At least I can wear open-toed shoes.

[scoffs]

- Are you serious?

- Fight me, bitch.

[Rock music]

[grunting]

Ow!

- Who are you?

- Kyle.

- What's your business here?

- I may or may not be related to your neighbor, Kevin.

Yo, period!

Period!

[laughter]

Yes!

Oh, my God, I totally almost drowned a slut.

[Frank]

What's the matter with you?

[Debbie groans, sighs]

Oh, it was a piece of sh*t anyway.

[indistinct shouting]

[Jackie]

Never heard of that.

A girl who had to r*pe a boy to get laid.

- How does that work?

- [all chuckle]

[laughs]

[grunting]

[Debbie]

Hey!

[overlapping chatter]

[woman]

Get off of me!

You slut!

- [Franny]

Mama.

- You do not F with Debbie Gallagher!

You know what I think is hilarious?

Carl, not the...

not the vag*na pillow.

Seriously, I...

no.

I've been working on that all...

No!

Not the vag*na!

[groans]

Ow!

Oh.

[grunting]

♪ Hey ♪

[groans]

[screaming]

[crowd cheering]

[whistle chirps]

- [grunting]

- [thud]

sh*t.

- Bullying is bad for society.

- Very good.

Give me money, chihuahua.

[Carl]

What the hell are you guys doing?

Waking Frank's spirit.

Why don't you just do this?

[groans loudly]

I'm gonna f*ck you up.

[groans]

♪ A new way, degrees ♪

♪ I've got the power ♪

♪ The power of me ♪

Anyone else wanna haze me?

Didn't think so.

[groans]

Hey, jaywalking's illegal.

- [laughs]

Buzz off.

- [whistles]

- [Taser clicks]

- [man groans]

- Give me the f*cking money.

- Okay, you know what, assh*le?

Pull the m*therf*cking trigger.

God f*cking...

Fucker!

Piece of f*cking sh*t!

West Point m*therf*cking lesbian sister piece of sh*t!

Check it.

Weed bread.

All you have to do is just like and follow, and you get half off.

, views in the first three hours?

[light knocking]

- Sasha?

- Saw your video.

You're, like, Instagram famous now.

So I was thinking, maybe I was wrong about us.

[Liam]

Sorry, Sash, too little, too late.

- I've actually moved on.

- [light knocking]

I think that's them right now.

What's up?

We'll be upstairs.

I think he'll be just fine.

They grow up so fast.

To being a Gallagher.

[Mellow rock music]

I play Carl Gallagher.

He's a very odd kid.

He'll do what he wants when he wants.

I had the best day of my life.

- Did you wear a face guard?

- Nope.

[Lip]

How many more dogs are down there, Carl?

[Carl]

Just Rocco and Bernice.

They should be dead by the end of the week.

[bell rings]

[woman]

You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.

You know you misspelled your last name.

He doesn't exactly know sometimes what's going on.

Who was the first American president to serve two nonconsecutive terms?

f*ck if I know.

But he doesn't really care.

[Liam]

Grover Cleveland.

Oh, from Sesame Street?

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ And it's a crazy world ♪

♪ But I won't fall like a domino ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

I play Debbie Gallagher.

She's a take-charge kinda girl.

Hey!

Only kids under eat for free.

Everybody else pays.

She's trying to get through life without problems.

- [Debbie]

Oh, there it is.

- [Mandy]

Is that a shiv?

Yep.

Later.

Debbie tries to be Daddy's little girl, but since her dad's drunk, it doesn't really turn out the way she wants.

Frank Gallagher!

Show yourself!

This sh*t is about to get biblical!

I can see you're emotional.

Let's just...

I am as cool as a m*therf*cking cucumber.

What's this bucks you've already taken out

- of my discretionary money?

- New couch.

There's nothing wrong with our couch.

You spent six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.

It's perfectly fine.

Uh, Debbie takes care of Liam.

Hi, baby bottoms.

Did you have sweet dreams?

♪ Like a domino ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

She takes care of Liam.

[Debbie]

Oh, Liam.

Got him in time.

♪ For you and me, yeah, yeah ♪

She cares about Liam, because she takes care of him.

I'm sorry, I keep rambling.

- How come my key doesn't work?

- I changed the locks.

You have the rest of the cash you owe me yet?

Nice job.

When you get the other .

, I'll get you a key.

♪ Time ♪

♪ Yeah I got time ♪

♪ And it's all right ♪

[Ethan]

This is kinda like a once-in-a-life opportunity.

I mean, I'm really having fun.

[Emma]

It's just really cool 'cause there's all these lights and four cam...

Two cameras.

Two or three cameras.

There's all the special effects and everything.

It's just..

it's, like, amazing.

It's so cool.

[man]

Go really shy on this one.

So should I not...

Should I laugh still, but, like, a little giggle?

Like ha-ha.

- [indistinct]

- Got it.

Debbie has faith that one day maybe her family will be the picture-perfect paradise family.

It serves you right for f*cking that slut with the cauliflower ears!

- I was not f*cking her!

- Yes, you did!

It was a blow job!

Ow!

♪ Time ♪

♪ Yeah I got time ♪

♪ And it's all right ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ Yeah I got time ♪

♪ And it's all right ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪