03x08 - The Tom/Brady

[bunniefuu]

No matter what happens, from here on out, I'm with you, Messiah.

But if you want your soul, you are going to have to k*ll him.

Thrice blessed, O Custer.

I'll get the next one.

Who are you?

I am Allfather.

And you know where my soul is?

I do, indeed.

Well, where is it?

It's in a safe place.

Where is it?

It's up his ass.

That's his "safe place"?

Bravo, Mr. Custer.

Quite the show.

I have him, Allfather.

Don't k*ll him.

Not yet!

He has Genesis.

They're back.

From Osaka.

They're back.

So soon?

Well, did they get the...

With more souls than you can count, apparently.

We did it.

Security was tougher than expected, but we did it.

Good boy.

What happened to her?

She d*ed.

Got sh*t.

"Security was tougher than expected." Where are my souls?

Out front.

- Out...

- Outside.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you.

You can't put it off forever.

No, no.

I'm not going yet.

Everything has a price, bitch.

No!

No, no, no.

Not yet!

I'm not ready!

Gran'ma.

Jesse.

Jesse, thank God!

You came back to save me.

Yeah, I came back.

Die!

What do you want?

Cassidy, man?

Yeah, that's us.

Yeah, it's funny.

Still no answer.

From Lisa.

I've tried her, like, four times now.

Well, it's still early in Spain.

Poland, you mean?

You sent her to Gdansk.

Well, yeah...

Still early there, I imagine.

You're a bad man, aren't you?

Yeah, well, thanks to you and your pernicious influences.

Yeah, well, both of us a couple of hard men now.

Not the brightest of the bunch, though, are we?

Out on the town with the Grail after us?

I will annihilate them.

Don't you worry.

We'll be ready.

Well, I hope so.

'Cause these guys, you never know when they're gonna turn up.

Thank you, driver.

I believe in you.

As do we all.

Yeah, we all really believe in ya.

He's...

Here is...

Here's...

Johnny!

Hey, beautiful.

Your Hideousness.

We're good, kid.

Go hump a duck, or whatever it is you're into these days.

I was surprised to get your call.

Well, I have a problem, and I thought of you.

Love women and their problems.

Hit me.

There's this girl, and she tried to k*ll me.

That's terrible.

Really?

That's...

Sorry.

No, I mean it.

This girl is a royal bitch and I want you to take her down.

I want you to feast on her.

Sounds like fun.

I could do that.

What about you, Marie?

When are you coming down to join us in Hell?

From the looks of things, pretty soon.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I gave you the power.

You eat souls, you stay young, you stay alive.

But the day you die, you're mine.

That's the deal.

And it has been such a gift.

But we are making a new deal.

Are we now?

Have you been having bad dreams again?

All right, I'm listening.

But in this "new deal,".

I get what?

You know my grandson?

You know I do.

I've always had an eye out for Jesse.

He is a spoiled, selfish, vengeful little boy.

And?

He has something I think you might really want.

I signed us in.

Human Resources representatives.

- Let's do it.

- Wait a sec.

Seriously?

My character chews gum, yours has an ugly nose.

So, yeah, let's seriously rob this bitch.

Merely a flesh wound.

Yes, I imagine it would be.

I told you he can be churlish.

Understand, Mr.

Custer, your fun time is over.

We're taking Genesis.

Well, people have tried before.

Doesn't usually end well.

Those people never had the resources of the Grail at their fingertips.

I'm sorry.

Was that supposed to scare me?

So bold for a man bound and surrounded by semi-a*t*matic weapons.

Well, I have something greater than weapons or resources.

What's that?

Faith.

The impossible, impenetrable belief that I have been chosen.

The Genesis belongs to me.

How can you be so sure?

I have been tried.

I've lost kin at the hand of kin.

I've been buried alive and left for dead.

And still, it resides in me.

If not for some divine purpose, then tell me, why?

Jesse Custer.

You are certainly a preacher.

You're also a fool.

Comfortable?

I certainly hope not.

Get me out of here.

This time, sh**t him in the head.

sh**t him with what?

I placed a g*n in your jacket pocket.

- What the hell good's that gonna do?

- Don't worry, it has a sil*ncer.

Klaus, I'm chained to a gurney.

A bazooka in my pocket ain't gonna do sh*t.

- I wish I could do more, but...

- But what?

Starr!

Are we all set?

Yes, Allfather.

Good.

For some profane reason, the Word of God has become attached to you.

Not to worry, we will coax it out.

Don't tell me.

You're gonna sing me a lullaby?

Leave that to the angels.

We prefer jolts of high-voltage electricity.

You really want Genesis to come out?

Go ahead, I can't wait to see your insides sprayed against the walls.

Genesis is not for me.

I am certainly more deserving than you, but there is one that is most deserving of wielding the greatest power in the universe.

Humperdoo?

Where did you hear that horrid name?

He is the Christ child.

The Lord's Most Sweet and Holy Lamb.

And the future home of the Word Of God.

Let us begin.

You guys are making a big mistake.

You put Genesis inside him, I'm telling you, he's just gonna...

Told ya.

Bring in the next one.

Behold, Mr.

Custer.

Religion's secret w*apon.

Science.

Hey, Janie.

Hey, Steve.

You here for the inventory report?

In a minute.

How was your weekend?

Do anything sexy?

Not really.

I walked my dog, then I took a shower.

Were you nude?

Well, yeah, I didn't wanna get my clothes wet.

Want to get them wet right now?

And freeze.

You upper management pervs need to get your stuff together!

This entire branch has become a cesspool of unwanted advances.

There have been 29 sexual harassment complaints in the lobby alone.

This is completely unacceptable!

Which is why Grail HQ sent us here, to implement a new zero-tolerance policy.

Let's try this again.

Only now, let's have a volunteer.

Director Matsukata.

Come on up.

Don't be shy.

Yes.

Great.

Great.

And this time, let's reverse the situation.

Janie will be the assailant and Director Matsukata her hapless victim.

Hey.

Sent you nude pics last night.

Why didn't you text me back?

Because I am married.

Give me the inventory report, limp d*ck.

Good report.

Really well typed.

Nice job.

I am this close, Hiroki, this close, to making you vice president.

I love my wife.

And freeze.

Of course, the true test is when an attractive woman hits on you, but it's a good start.

Nice job.

Let's hear it for Director Matsukata!

Let's hear it!

Let's take a break.

After lunch, we'll discuss office dating do's and don'ts.

Okay.

Very good.

I'll have pamphlets for you when you get back.

You know there are easier ways to do this, right?

I'm sure there are.

I just wanted to make you grab that guy's ass.

I've got a job for ya.

Tulip O'Hare.

What's that?

"Who is that?", Sidney.

"Who?" Tulip O'Hare.

Who is that?

It doesn't matter.

Bring her to me.

I took science in high school, I don't remember so many flying intestines.

It'll work.

As soon as Slotnick perfects the cocktail.

Who's Spotnik?

Your bartender?

Dr. Slotnick is creating a genetic cocktail.

Perhaps you'd enjoy a detailed explanation of our theorems and modalities?

Not really, no.

Excellent idea, Allfather.

Bring in the doctor.

Genesis.

The offspring of an angel and a demon.

An entity comprised of good and bad parts in varying degrees.

It follows, then, that Genesis would require that a successful host, such as you, be composed of the same specific proportions of goodness and badness.

But how does one recreate those proportions?

The answer is a DNA cocktail.

This represents a genetic combination of two persons.

In this case, Serena Williams and Louis XVI.

The idea being that when their DNA are mixed it will replicate the same formula of good and bad that exists in you.

Now, it's trial and error.

And obviously, this one was a piece of sh*t and did not work.

But we are zeroing in.

And soon...

You're gonna run out of Humperdoos.

No.

I don't think so.

Thank you, Doctor.

Shall we continue?

We are well on our way, sir.

My studies have shown some interesting...

Get the g*n out of my pocket and sh**t him.

I can't.

Why the hell not?

I have sociopolitical qualms, of course, but also, serious objections to v*olence in the workplace...

You're scared of him.

You don't understand.

He looks like something out of Ripley's Believe It or Not!, but he's head of the most powerful organization in the world.

He is trying to put Genesis inside Humperdoo.

You have to do something.

I agree, something has to be done, but what?

It's the caterers, Allfather, calling about lunch.

What did he say?

He says, "k*ll him." Must be some sort of autocorrect thingy.

Text him again.

It wasn't autocorrect.

sh*t.

All righty then, so how we gonna do this?

We gonna s*ab him?

We could bloody hang the bugger, you know?

Or a blunt instrument, and just bash his brains in.

- What about bees?

- Or bees?

Did you just say "bees"?

Yeah.

Like on Wicker Man?

Put a cage around his head and release the bees.

- Christ.

- I vote stabbing.

Look, the Wicker Man's a brilliant film, but we're talking about k*lling a man here, Kev.

- I know.

- No, you don't.

Look, where are you even gonna get bees from?

What, you have ready access to bees all of a sudden?

You a beekeeper now, are you?

Yeah, I am.

- You are?

- Yes.

Beekeeper?

All right, apologies.

I'm sorry.

It's actually...

It's a brilliant idea.

We'll go with the bees.

Do you wanna do the bees?

Let's do the bees.

I'd imagine we need some honey.

Go and have a word with your grandmother.

Explain why are we thinking of k*lling this man?

Because everyone I ever liked, he and his bloody Grail people have tried to k*ll, right?

That's just for starters.

His people hate us, all right?

I remember.

I'm merely suggesting that there might be a better way to make use of him.

Better way of feeding our cause.

- You can't be serious.

- Indeed, I am.

He deserves a choice.

The choice that we've all made.

Death, or everlasting life?

Who the hell is that?

It's Director Matsukata's access entry.

But that's not him.

Who are you?

Human Resources.

Time to check your browser history.

We're good.

So, simple steel, side grate, heavy-duty cylinder.

Okay.

Well, shouldn't take much more than...

I got it.

I think you'll find I got it.

Seriously, I wouldn't do that.

What, so I just stand here and watch you hack into the mainframe?

Unless you also earned a graduate degree in computer science from MIT.

But, no.

I read your file.

You got kicked out of 10th grade.

Why don't you chew your gum?

sh*t.

Enough of this bullshit.

I'm telling you, I wouldn't do that.

You wouldn't 'cause you couldn't.

And by the way, I didn't get kicked out of 10th grade, I dropped out.

There are so many things I could say right now, but...

Just about through the firewall.

So many things I could say right now, but...

Damn.

All right.

Do you trust me?

I do.

Do you choose this freely?

I do.

Will you forsake the sunlit world and surrender to our dark and scarlet urging?

Like, no sun at all?

No sunset strolls?

No beaches?

Well, umbrellas, but that's all the time, everywhere you go.

I mean, you'll be having bloody dreams about umbrellas, you can trust me on that.

Or we could just bloody k*ll ya, I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people who'd probably prefer that.

No.

I don't wanna die.

My mom'd be upset.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

Let's do it.

All right.

Chill out.

Jaysus.

It was awesome.

f*ck.

f*ck.

f*ck.

f*ck.

Bollocks!

Were you trying to fly?

I'd settle for some bloody floating at this point.

Yes, well, so would Mrs.

Rosen.

That was her lamp.

No, listen, that's two people I've turned now.

And that's three including Denis, and I still can't do what you can do.

You've turned three, I've turned hundreds.

And you flew a bit the other night.

Come on, you were helping me out.

Well, I might have guided you a little bit, but you were flying.

No, I wasn't, and you know it.

Eccarius, come on.

What are you not teaching me?

Well...

Patience, clearly.

What's happening over here?

Mr. Hoover!

- It's F.J., isn't it?

- Yeah.

Do you mind if I call you F.J.?

- No.

- Didn't F.J.

do well?

Yeah.

Hardly a tear.

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

All right.

Well, that was easy.

You haven't screwed anything up yet.

Okay, that's it.

What is your...

None of that.

Be professional.

Let's go.

Miss Marie.

Yeah, we got 'em, no sweat.

Yeah, I'm listening.

Excuse me, miss?

I never do this, but your booty meat is off the charts.

I want to squeeze it...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New Orleans.

Please be aware, some of your bags may have shifted in the overhead compartments.

Getting the truck.

Meet you out front.

Look, I know we get on each other's nerves sometimes, but nice job.

Seriously.

I'm a fan.

Thanks.

Appreciate that.

I was joking.

So was I!

Tulip O'Hare.

No, sorry.

Brown hair.

Dressed as a Grail officer.

Back from Osaka.

You're Tulip O'Hare.

No, ma'am, my name is Hiroki Matsukata.

See?

My mistake.

But...

If you're looking for a brown-hair Grail officer just back from Osaka, I know where you can find her.

Let's go.

- Where's...

- She didn't make it.

- What?

- Some cop lady took her.

Oh, well.

At least we got the...

sh*t!

O'Hare, you stupid...

Okay.

Okay, just shut up and think.

No big deal.

We just track the cop lady down to the station and get back my briefcase back.

- That wasn't a cop.

- What?

And she wasn't taking Featherstone to no g*dd*mn station.

Where is she taking her?

Where is she taking her?

What, you sending him off already?

There's no rest for the weary or the wicked.

And Mr.

Hoover is ready.

All right, you lot, he's off.

Fly!

Fly!

Fly!

Fly!

All right.

Now, we're giving you a second chance here.

Don't be a d*ck.

Here.

First of many.

You're a good guy.

Fly!

Fly!

Fly!

Once did a Grail job in Kuala Lumpur.

Humidity is worse than New Orleans, if you can believe that, but the Batu Caves were lovely.

Don Giovanni?

Tell me, Mr. Hoover, why would I send another vampire out into the world?

A filthy piece of vermin?

Spoiling, stinking, and falling into despair?

For charity?

That's what I was told.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

Cassidy.

What's the matter?

Everything all right?

Is that where you get your secret powers, is it?

Listen, you and I can talk about this afterwards.

For the time being, I'm going to take Mr. Hoover here to the airport.

You're not taking him anywhere, you murdering piece of sh*t. Cassidy?

This is it.

Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, combined with television icon Wayne Brady.

I call it the Tom/Brady.

Have you instructed the clone on the proper command?

Yes, sir.

This is...

I can't believe it.

Allfather's about to weaponize idiocy.

What did you expect was gonna happen?

A woman scientist?

I didn't believe it was possible.

Well, she is about to make the impossible possible.

What are you gonna do about it?

Yes.

I'm going to reach into your pocket...

Herr Starr, you are one of my most loyal and trusted servants.

Are you not?

I am, Allfather.

Do something for me, O Starr?

Anything, Allfather.

Beignets.

Café Du Monde.

Fetch me a few dozen, now.

Genesis chose me, Allfather.

It was meant for me.

A drunk?

A thief?

A blasphemer?

You are a mistake, Mr. Custer.

That's right, you sack of sh*t.

I'm the mistake that's gonna find God and hold Him to account.

We are ready to begin.

But now you won't have to, Preacher, because this is all the God we shall ever need.

Say the command.

Bow before me.

Good.

Now, bring in the Messiah.

God's got his plan, something He wants me to do.

I don't know what that is, but it's the only thing that makes sense.

He's got a plan.

Just like the Bible says, "Trust in God.

Lean not on your own understanding", so that's exactly what I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna keep on...

I'm just gonna keep on leaning.

Hello.

Do you, by any chance, have a phone?

I need to text a friend of mine.

sh*t.

They got Hilter.