03x05 - The Coffin

[bunniefuu]

Rise and shine, Cassidy!

It's breakfast time.

Jody!

Jesse.

Babe, I need to ask you something.

It's about your grandma.

That's twice he's gotten outta there.

What do you think?

I think someone's got an ass-kickin' comin'.

I don't know what all the whats and whys, or what the rules are around here.

- Whats and whys?

- I mean, look, she's an old lady.

I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady and she's family, so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.

What wouldn't?

But she's a bad bitch, and we've got stuff to do out there in the world.

Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.

God's not gonna kick his own ass.

What, exactly, is the question?

My question is, if it breaks the spell, and gets us the hell outta here, why don't we just k*ll her?

Tulip, my...

- What is that?

- Jody and T.C.

Probably found out about Cass.

You up for a fist fight?

What are we waitin' for?

Hair remover.

Found object bathroom weaponry.

I don't get it.

Little girl's got a big g*n.

Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.

Drop it.

You first.

Go on.

Your Majesty.

First, the greeting.

Blessings upon you.

And to you, Messiah.

Very good, My Lord.

Now, the kiss.

- Shiny.

- Steady, My Lord.

Actors, hold.

Starting again from the top.

Sir?

Call for you from Masada.

- Masada?

- It's the Allfather.

- Allfather?

- Blessed.

Blessed.

Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.

Blessed are we, O Allfather.

You're looking well.

Your stomach staples must be holding this time.

They are not.

I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.

Of course.

Proportionate and wise.

Tell me, Starr.

What do you know about a man named Jesse Custer?

Custer?

Yes.

The Preacher.

Samson Unit did an investigation and ruled him a charlatan.

I see.

No truth to the rumours he may possess the Word of God?

None at all.

Custer's a loser.

No thr*at to our Beloved Messiah.

Good.

I trust you, Starr.

Speaking of our most Holy Child, how is the Messiah progressing?

His training may take longer than we anticipated.

- How much longer?

- Not much.

A year.

Maybe five.

We don't have that kind of time.

God is gone.

The world is ending.

The people need their Messiah to show them to glory.

I'm not sure he's quite capable yet of showing anyone to glory, sir.

Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.

A demonstration?

Now, Allfather?

All this time under your care, he must have mastered at least one skill.

Well, there is one thing, but I don't see how it's relevant.

Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe.

A one, a two A doodle-dee doodle-dee-doo.

Play me that old soft shoe And nothin' else will do.

That's the dance My darlin' used to do.

I like the hat, sir.

Very Don Draper.

What happened to your nose?

It looks like you went down on a monkey.

Tulip O'Hare, sir.

She sucker punched me.

A woman did that?

Dear God.

Yes, sir.

But about Jesse Custer, I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold, and I think I might have an interesting idea.

The time for interesting ideas is over.

When the Holy Idiot wraps up here, the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.

A doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo.

Play me that old soft shoe And nothing else will do.

That's the dance My darlin' used to do.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Well, if I knew you were comin', I would've cleaned up a little.

What did you do with Jesse?

He havin' a time-out.

Where's the vampire?

Gone.

Way gone.

Miss Tulip, that's not good.

No, it's good for him.

But I guess if it's bad for you and your little Hee Haw hillbilly fight club, then I sorta don't give a sh*t.

He meant, "It's bad for you." I'll be all right.

I mean, unless I need to go pee, and, yeah, that would suck.

I saved your life.

I ripped you from death's door and brought you back into the world.

And every moment from that moment, for the rest of your days, is owed to me.

Every breath, every bite of food, every screw, every sh*t is because of me.

Okay.

Thanks, I guess?

But Cassidy's no carney ride for outback assholes.

He's my friend.

He was bait.

A worm on a hook.

He was food.

Why hasn't Jesse just k*lled you already?

- Jesse's family.

- I'm not.

Jesse's smart.

Well, maybe when I'm done here, you'll see just how stupid I can be.

Such spark.

So much life.

But not for long.

Watch her.

Balls, Tulip.

Too bad she's gonna eat them for supper.

The child is brilliant.

Yes, Allfather.

We've been drilling the spank-step day and night.

I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his unveiling.

Accelerate?

So, we show the world that this feral half-wit is our Messiah, and this rudimentary tap dancing is what He does, and the world will take Him as their Saviour?

Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.

Any other questions, Starr?

No, that covers it on my end.

Prepare the way for the Lord.

Something tells me the Second Coming will be even better than the first.

Jesus Christ.

I think that went well.

At least you get to keep your skin, sir.

Idiots.

What good is my skin if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over?

Agreed.

Which is why we need Custer back on board as soon as possible and...

I think I may have an interesting idea.

- Well?

- It's about his friend, sir.

The vampire.

Playing by day, feeding by night, we are the children of blood.

Carfentanil.

I'm sure you're familiar.

Yeah, horse tranqs.

Elephant.

Yeah, it's all the rage right now.

Half a pill, knock Dumbo straight on his ass.

Yeah, strong sh*t.

It's very powerful.

Don't take this the wrong way, man, but you smell like death.

What's the right way to take that?

Tell your elephant, don't mix those with alcohol.

The capital of Alaska is Juneau.

The capital of Arizona is...

The capital of Arizona is Phoenix.

The capital of Arkansas is Little Rock.

The capital of California is Sacramento.

The capital of Colorado is Denver.

The capital of Connecticut is Hartford.

I'm gonna see the folks I dig.

I'll even kiss a sunset pig.

California.

The capitol of North Dakota is Bismarck.

I'll even kiss...

The capital of Ohio is...

California.

The capital of Ohio is...

Come on.

California.

Tulip.

Great.

Back in the coffin again, I see.

Ain't seen you down here for some time.

That's all right, son.

Your old pal's gonna take over for ya.

You hear that?

Train is a-comin'.

How about a patrol, Marshal Custer?

Might just be the thing to shake off your blues.

Marshal.

Been a long time.

Has been, yeah.

But now you're back.

What's your plan this time?

Same as always.

Texas.

Show you boys some justice.

And what if we don't want to go?

Then we'll show you lead.

You know you ain't seen the last of us, Marshal.

Yup.

That's why I'm one of the good guys.

'Cause there's way too many of the bad.

Thank God you actually look like your picture.

You know, sometimes you show up and it's like...

Yeah, it's bloody terrible.

I know.

Yeah.

- I like your shirt.

- Thank you.

I love birds, so...

Do you have any pets?

I had a dog once, called Banjo.

He ran away, so...

So, how long have you been a vampire?

Eighty-nine years.

Yeah.

How about you?

- Gosh, almost 200 now.

- 200?

You look well.

- Why, thank you.

- What do you think?

Do you like it?

Oh, my God, I love it.

Are you kidding?

Don't you?

Yeah, parts of it, I do, yeah.

I would've d*ed years before Quaaludes were invented.

I would've never seen the moon landing or a man with a beard of bees, you know.

Just as for instances, like.

Right.

But?

But nothing.

Beats working for a living, doesn't it?

Hey.

We're outsiders.

And that can be lonely.

I know it is for me sometimes.

But that's okay.

Because it makes those moments of connection, when they do happen, that much sweeter.

- Wait, just let me get something, okay?

- Okay.

Bite me.

Come on, bite me.

Ravish me.

What's wrong?

Did you leave yours at home?

Do you want me to rip your g*dd*mn throat out?

Is that what you want, you bleeding poser?

I'll take that one and that one, please.

I'm telling you, a Kimber Compact II is what you want.

Twenty-two pound recoil.

I mean, only seven in your mag, but then a double tap still drops three and a half bogeys.

- I'm a Smith & Wesson man myself.

- Please.

Smith & Wesson's for cops and pussies.

You say so.

Four letter word for perambulate?

No.

"An observant person," seven letters.

"An observant..." You know, words really ain't my thing.

Could've fooled me.

You sure use 'em enough.

Funny.

Surprised you can even read.

I'd be worried if I were you.

Worrying is for pussies, too.

I got a corrosive, a solvent that I use on mower parts and tractor rust.

We could dunk one of her feet in a bucket of that, that'd teach her.

Or maybe even both feet.

- She stole from me.

- She sure did.

And we're figuring out what to do about it.

I got pikes, pullers, peelers.

I got a 22-piece metric master ratcheting wrench set from Home Depot.

On sale.

I got a reticulated vest presser.

Man, strap her into that, the screams will make the dogs run off.

She stole, and I would have every right.

You do, Miss Marie, but you can't.

Lil' Jesse'd never forgive you.

He loves her.

What do you say we take a little break and we do something nice for you?

Like what?

Like...

Like play?

Another train coming soon.

Set up and wait here and get the bulge on 'em.

Ain't that right, partner?

Partner?

Say, what's the matter?

You know what this is?

High Noon.

You got that right.

And I passed on that commie piece of sh*t.

- What's wrong with High Noon?

- What's right with it?

It's the most un-American plot I ever seen.

Bunch of sissies sitting pretty, waiting for some saddle bums to take their town.

Real heroes don't wait.

You calling me a sappy?

Let me ask you something, son.

Ain't you worried about that sage hen of yours, back east?

Tulip'll be all right.

She got grit enough for both of us.

Yeah, she's a Sahara's worth of sand, I'll grant you that.

But you left her in Injun territory with no map.

Who knows what's going to happen if she gets on the wrong side of them savages?

What the hell do you want me to do about it?

I'm trapped in a coffin at the bottom of a swamp.

Think about it, son.

You can sit around here like a ninny waiting till these trains stop coming, or you can get off yer backside and blow up the tracks.

Tulip.

Come on, Pilgrim.

sh*t.

If your father knew you were with a mere cavalry officer...

Lieutenant Boulanger, there would be such a scandal.

So, why don't you go, and never come back?

I said go.

Eugenia...

Lester, please.

Please, Lester.

Why won't you leave?

Because you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Am I?

My love.

You're like a paragon.

This is so wrong.

No, it's like, not good.

What?

Nothing, I just...

I forgot my line.

Take it from "You're so beautiful." Go back to that.

Get off.

Get away from me!

- Miss Marie, please.

- Shut up!

I said shut up.

Pathetic.

Our silly game isn't going to fix this, is it, T.C.?

Is it?

- And Lil' Jesse?

- He isn't here.

Go get her.

I'm gonna eat her soul.

- Miss Marie, please...

- Go get her!

Miss Tulip, I'm afraid I got some bad news for ya.

- Jody?

- Look out!

A seven letter observant person is a witness.

f*ck.

You're making a big mistake.

I ain't big on k*lling little old ladies that saved my life, that's for sure.

But you, I'd make an exception.

Now I'm gonna ask nicely.

You break the spell on Jesse and let us go.

No one gets hurt.

Or not.

Drop it.

Drop...

Drop it.

Drop it.

- Tulip?

- I did it.

It's over.

- What the hell?

- I don't know what happened.

She k*lled Gran'ma and then she d*ed, too.

It's 'cause of the fingernails.

Miss Marie, she tied hers and Miss Tulip's lives together, so you wouldn't come after her.

You're doing the wrong one.

Come on.

- Your adrenaline, will that work?

- It just might.

Not so hard.

Steady.

Steady, not hard.

Steady, not hard.

Dead again, I see?

Pass/fail, O'Hare.

And you are failing.

No, no, no.

Her heart going to take that?

She ain't Uma Thurman.

Give it to me.

Vlad has been impaled.

Get them out.

- What do I do with this?

- Read it.

"Schlampity..." It's upside down.

"Messiah, please help me." "I'm in a terrible..." "Jeopardy.

Jeopardy." What's a jeopardy?

I don't think that's even a word, mate.

Anyway, "the Grail has taken me prisoner." "Please save me." "Or I'll be brutally..." "m*rder*d." Should I keep recording?

Jesse Custer.

We have your little friend, and thus the time for negotiation is over.

Come, I will restore your power, and you will rise as the one true Messiah.

But if you do not, the vampire will receive a visit from my most merciless torturer.

You have one day to...

- What now?

- I'll check on that, sir.

All the free will in the world and I still found a way to screw it up.

Just like God said.

You didn't know.

Yeah, well, I should've.

You told me to stay away from her.

Madame Boyd, right?

She's the one who put it in your head?

She told you to k*ll Gran'ma?

She knew damn well it'd k*ll you, too.

Well, she just made our sh*t list, didn't she?

She certainly did.

She's not doing too good.

That adrenaline weakened her heart.

- Well, I feel fine.

- 'Course you do.

As long as her heart's still ticking, yours will tick, too, until hers stops.

- And...

- So what do we do?

She needs her medicine.

She needs to eat.

Well, start with her, she made this mess.

I dare you to try.

Lil' Jesse, we gotta get a soul somewhere.

Cassidy.

Wake up, brother.

Welcome back.

What the...

Who the bleeding hell are all you people?

We...

Are Les Enfants du Sang.

We are children of blood.

Bollocks.