05x01 - Graduation

[bunniefuu]

Anna-Kat, are you done with your breakfast?

Anna-Kat!

Did you know the Wildflower Girls Camp has a ropes course, canoeing, and horseback riding?

Yeah... kids change.

The packing list says that fifth graders and above need to bring feminine hygiene products, which means this could be my year!

Can you believe it?

Anna-Kat is going to sleepaway camp!

We have taken her from being a weirdo to a strong, confident girl.

She just gave her dad a high-five about menstruating.

She still has a little weirdo left in her.

Kate.

Donks.

Read the latest draft of the book.

Love it.

The ending still needs a little work, so meet me in our office.

Uh, we might be working late, so I brought you some of those canned protein drinks for old women.

This is the fifth conclusion he's sh*t down.

I keep trying to be poignant, but I guess I'll just give him what he wants... a happy ending.

- Thanks for not saying anything.

- Mm-hmm.

Mom!

The list for graduation came out, and I'm not on it!

It's only two days away!

What was it?

You didn't turn a paper in?

You forgot to fill out some forms?

No, my freshman year, I gave you a library book to return, and you never did.

That sounds about right.

I'm not going to graduate because of you!

Okay, calm down.

I'm your mother.

I'll take care of it.

Okay.

Thank you.

And, Taylor, a little gratitude would be nice.

I literally just said "Thank you." To be fair, I wasn't listening.

I like all your endings, but they're not making me want to hit "Subscribe." I don't know what else to say about your life.

You're only 25 years old.

You sh**t your friends with paintball g*ns, then buy them fast-food franchises.

I do do that.

I still think we need a great ending, and you and I are not gonna rest until we come up with one.

That's smart.

I need my lady sharp tonight.

Next year's gonna be amazing.

We'll be juniors.

We can drive ourselves to school.

We'll be in that hot Spanish teacher's class.

Señora Campos!

So, me and Kelly, we didn't know if we were gonna stay together while she's at Penn and I'm at Tufts.

But then we took that online quiz "Are You and Your High School Sweetheart Built to Last?" and it looks like we totally are.

Well, Trip and I don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, she's staying in town taking a gap year, and I'm going to college.

I'm just not sure where to apply yet.

You had to apply months ago.

Oh.

I guess I'm taking a gap year, too.

We should take the quiz anyway.

Just for fun.

Well, yeah, even if it's just for fun, I'm supposed to get extra time to take it.

It's in my chart.

What do you mean, you don't want me to go to camp?!

It looks so fun!

There's no more dangerous place in the world than summer camp.

Except maybe Olive Garden.

Those unlimited breadsticks are dangerous to my waistline.

How could it be dangerous?

It's just super-fun activities.

They have dodgeball.

More like death-ball.

- Water skiing.

- Water-dying.

Arts and crafts.

Arts and dying.

I can do this all day.

Wow.

I was so excited, but I hadn't really considered all the...

All the dying?

I know.

No one does.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say no to this idea.

I'm glad I talked to you before I went.

I probably saved your life today.

Slow down, punks.

Katie!

Just the person I wanted to see.

Ablin, for the thousandth time, I don't plan parties anymore, so I'm not going to do your strange wedding.

It's not strange to wear a kilt.

You're not Scottish.

I get sweaty when I get nervous, and it's the only socially acceptable way for me to ventilate my nethers.

Ugh.

Excuse me.

Tara.

What are you doing here?

I volunteer two afternoons a week.

Because I care about giving back to the community.

What do you want, Katie?

I have to pay Taylor's library fine so that she can graduate.

The book is four years late.

Paying a fine isn't even an option anymore.

Just says "See administrator." Tara, can you just help me out?

I promise I'll stop bringing the class vegan cupcakes that are not even remotely vegan.

You what?

You can't bake without eggs.

Everyone knows that.

Even you stupid vegans.

Even if I wanted to help you...

which I don't...

I can't.

It's a computer thing, and I don't have the code to override the system.

Who does?

So, you want your daughter to graduate, but she can't unless I punch in my administrative override code.

What to do?

What to do?

Fine!

- I'll plan your wedding.

- Great.

So, during summer break, Maria and I wish to take a riverboat trip together.

But Mother will not let us travel in sin.

You're a grown man.

One might say an old man.

Why do you still listen to your mother?

Because I don't want to get grounded.

In any event, we must be wed in the next two days.

The riverboat leaves out of Chicago shortly after graduation.

It's not gonna be easy to throw together a wedding at the last second.

What's your budget?

- $195.

- Ugh.

We spent all our money on the riverboat cruise, but it's top-of-the-line.

We're only sharing our room with four other couples.

I guess I could pull together a small...

No.

Maria's always dreamed of a big wedding.

Can you get the guest list together in time?

Oh, that'll be easy.

Neither of us have much family, and our friend will be out of town that day.

Then how is it going to be big?

That's up to you to figure out, if you want your daughter to graduate.

Anything else?

Yes.

Maria wants to walk down the aisle to bagpipes, and she wants the whole thing professionally videoed.

You want all that for $195?

Ooh!

Actually...

$191.55.

I got a Starbucks this morning.

Basically, I'm being blackmailed.

In order for Taylor to graduate, I have to plan Ablin's wedding.

That's so unfair.

Actually, it's kind of my fault.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Where am I going to find 200 warm bodies to sit quietly and watch a couple of strangers get married?

Well, would you say there'd be 200 of those warm bodies at graduation?

Are you saying that Ablin and Maria should get married in the middle of graduation?

You've got the crowd, you've got the venue.

And there are already drinks and desserts afterward, so you don't have to pay for a reception.

Oh, my God!

This could actually work!

I suppose I have to ask for permission.

Who is in charge of the graduation committee?

- Tara Summers.

- Huh.

If I didn't know better, I'd think all my feuds make my life more difficult.

I'm done with the quiz.

I just finished my last question.

Here we go.

Whoo!

We did it!

What are you talking about?

It says we're a "dumpster fire of a couple." Yeah.

Dumpster fires are good.

They make the lighting in the alley all cool for when the turtles come out of the sewer and b*at up bad guys and eat pizza and stuff.

No, dumpster fires are not good, Trip.

This quiz says we're never gonna make it!

Babe, are you serious right now?

It's just an online quiz.

But Bailey and Garrett took it, and they broke up because of it.

And they were perfect together.

Bailey and Garrett don't have what we have.

I guess.

Also, Bailey and Garrett didn't break up because of the quiz.

They broke up because they found out they're first cousins.

Wow, you look terrible.

What happened?

Did one of your footmen apply for parental leave?

Gustav did, and he's been spoken to.

But no, this is more serious than that.

My parents bought an estate in Palm Beach.

Oh, that's sick, bro!

No, you don't understand.

They're selling our Westport estate.

We're moving to Florida.

Oh, so you're gonna take the private jet to school every day?

No, because...

I'll be going to school down there.

Wait.

You're seriously moving?

Florida has no state income tax.

It was either there or the Caymans.

And my mother's allergic to conch, so it's like, what's the point?

Dude, you can't go.

We've got plans.

Can't believe this is happening.

Florida.

I mean, I'm happy for you fiscally, but...

I know.

Okay, I need someone who's already a part of graduation who's also ordained to marry them.

Plus a bagpiper.

Oh, the things you do for your kid.

Isn't this all your fault?

Like I would ever verbally acknowledge any part in this.

Watch a cop show, Greg.

Oh, hey, honey.

So, I've decided not to go to camp this summer.

What are you talking about?

You were so excited to go.

Well, I was, but then I talked to Franklin, and he said that camp is way too dangerous and is not on board with me going.

First of all, we would never send you to a camp that wasn't safe.

And second, Anna-Kat, I have raised you to be an independent young woman.

If there is something that you want to do, don't ever let a boy get in your way.

Are you sure?

Franklin made it sound really scary.

He thinks everything's scary.

The kid's 11 years old and wears a Life Alert necklace.

You're right!

I don't have to listen to Franklin just because he's a boy.

Exactly.

You don't have to listen to anyone just because...

Quiet, you!

Pardon me, young man!

Yeah!

The ultimate prank... the paintball bazooka!

I paid the robotics team at MIT to create it.

Totally worth it.

Not worth it, but at least we have an ending to your book.

Congrats, Lonnie.

Pbht.

Mm, I-I don't know.

I think we move this up to the beginning a-and then we try to figure out a way to top ourselves.

You want to top yourself?

Do it on your own time.

I'm done with you, and I'm done with this project!

Donks, don't be like that.

Fine!

I don't need you!

I'll just go find another old dude!

There's a Tommy Bahama three blocks from here!

Done.

Okay.

I finished, too.

Let's try this again.

Fireworks!

No!

Nuclear b*mb!

We are never gonna make it!

Maria, this wedding dress belonged to my friend Doris.

It's custom-made, from Italy.

It's exquisite!

This has a fairly substantial burn mark.

Yeah, Doris got a little arson-y after the divorce.

But it's free.

Maria, you're crafty.

You can fix it.

She hemmed my pajamas into shorties.

They're quite short.

And who will be performing our sacred vows?

I haven't nailed that down yet, but don't worry.

I'm working on it.

Well, until you do figure it out, your little piggy will not be going to market.

Your little piggy will stay home.

I call all students little piggies.

Market is graduation.

Home is home.

After all this, the two of us are going back to a more formal relationship.

Mrs.

A, Taylor just told me to go home.

That stupid quiz is messing with her head.

Don't pay attention to quizzes, Trip.

I literally never have.

But Taylor did, and now she's really upset with me.

She won't even listen to what I have to say.

What I suggest you do is to trick her into hearing you.

Tricking is a major part of any long-term relationship.

If only it was that easy to get this wedding sorted out.

I don't even have someone to marry them.

I can do it.

- You have to be ordained.

- I'm ordained.

I did it online so I could perform a marriage ceremony for Anna-Kat's toy ponies, Twinkle Toes and Duffy McSprinkles.

- She wanted it legal.

- That's amazing!

Now all I need is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes.

Franklin wasn't available?

Franklin plays the bagpipes?

Yeah.

He joined a bagpiping group as a way to rehab his asthma, and it turned into a passion.

Then it's all set.

Taylor is gonna graduate!

You would've loved the ceremony, Mrs. A.

Duffy McSprinkles got cold hooves, but a last-minute pep talk from Starburst Von Clydesdale sorted them out.

It was... beautiful.

You're quiet today.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, you took that the wrong way.

I like you quiet.

Well, I'm ready for this graduation/wedding thing.

I think I have everything set.

The moment that they are married, Ablin will allow Taylor to graduate.

So, is Lonnie meeting us there?

I've asked him to film the ceremony.

I don't know.

We're not speaking.

- Oh.

- Well...

Is Franklin meeting us there with his bagpipes?

No idea.

Ever since I told him I'm still going to summer camp, he's not talking to me.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's go!

I'm ready to graduate.

We'll see.

What do you mean, "We'll see"?

You did take care of my library fine, right?

I can't believe my baby's graduating.

Stop!

Works every time.

Hello, Westport Unified class of 2020!

Wow, we did it.

Come on, let's hear some applause.

Wow.

Even some of you I didn't even think had the grades to graduate are here today.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

But anyway...

These last few years have been some of the best of my life.

Lonnie!

Thank God you made it.

Where's your video camera?

Yeah, don't worry.

I got my people all over this thing.

It's nice of you to show up, but I'm still not talking to you.

You want a poignant ending?

Here it is.

My whole world is about collecting likes from people I don't know.

But the one person that I actually want to like me doesn't right now.

You know why my book doesn't have an ending?

It's because I don't... want this to end.

You and me.

Thanks for being you.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Well... there'll probably be a book tour, right?

Book tour.

Yes!

Oh!

I didn't think of that.

Ooh, Badonks, with a brain as big as his ass!

We're back!

We look forward to our future with perfect, "class-of-2020" vision.

Thank you.

The smart kids get to talk at these things every year.

What about the not-so-smart kids?

They have something to say, too.

So, with the lowest grade point average, your "maledictorian," Trip Windsor.

What?!

Dearly beloved, what is graduation if not a celebration of love?

How is it a celebration of love?

Shh!

The maledictorian is speaking!

...and the teachers who helped guide us through these past four...

or five... years, and most importantly, the love between an administrator and his girlfriend.

Franklin made it!

It's all coming together!

Greg, Oliver, go!

Will you give me away?

Sure.

Wouldn't be the strangest thing that's happened today.

Ohh.

I'm gonna talk to Ablin about whatever this is and shut it down!

Love, like math, it doesn't always make sense.

Like English, it doesn't always make sense.

Like science, it doesn't make sense at all.

But the difference is, love doesn't have to make sense.

Because it's not something that you learn.

There's no stupid quiz that you have to pass, 'cause love is making up words in Scrabble.

And yelling "Swiper, no swiping" together.

It's something that you feel.

And I feel it, now and forever.

Maria.

Do you take Principal Ablin to be your husband?

I do.

Principal Ablin, do you take Maria to be your wife?

I do.

I now pronounce you principal and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait, wait, wait!

Does my daughter graduate?

Absolutely.

Everyone, afterward, please join us for our wedding reception in the main gymnasium.

You mean the PTA's annual graduation buffet?!

Either way, we're playing "Brick House." All right, now let me get one with just the siblings.

Can you believe our baby graduated?

Just two more to get rid of.

Your sentimentality is touching.

Mm-hmm.

Aww.

Look at you.

You're upset your sister's graduating.

No.

It's Cooper.

He's moving with his family to Florida.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey.

I didn't know.

He's my best friend.

You know how hard it is to find a best friend who really gets you?

I know this is hard for you, but maybe he's excited.

He doesn't want to go.

He never even sees his parents.

I don't get why they're forcing him to do this.

I'm gonna miss him so much.

What am I gonna do, Mom?

I know you're mad at me, but it was nice of you to show up today.

Bagpipers always see a job through.

Unlike harp players, who bolt at the first sign of conflict.

I think it's nice you're so worried about me, but it's my decision to go to summer camp, Franklin.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Oh, yes, it will!

You don't know what happens at summer camp!

I do!

It's where girls get their first kiss!

Is that what you're worried about?

Me kissing another boy?

You're a real dummy, Franklin.

There.

Problem solved.

I don't have any guy friends, so I have to brag to you.

I just got kissed by a really cute girl.

My last home-cooked dinner with the Ottos, where we use paper towels as napkins and my food isn't plated properly.

I'm gonna miss this.

Cooper, there's something I've got to tell you.

No, let me go first.

I didn't know what it meant to be a part of a family until I met you guys.

You're warm and messy and loud, and you drink tap water, which is just like drinking out of the toilet.

Eww.

Move on to your next point.

You let me into your home and made me a part of all that, and I'll always be grateful.

I love you guys.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

Enough.

Greg and I had a conversation with your parents.

If it's okay with you, they said that you can live with us until you graduate high school.

What?!

They'll send the jet for you every other weekend.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Dude!

- Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Okay.

What if I break into a delivery room, I deliver someone's baby, but at the last minute, I make a switch and I hand them...

a live possum?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

But you know what?

Let's do it!

Let's just finish the book!

Sorry, but anyone over 30 likes an idea, it can't be good.

That's just science, bruh.