09x05 - Outdoor Toddler

[bunniefuu]

(Vanessa laughing)

- You're back!

- Hey, hi.

How did the grandkids like the park?

Well, not much sand left in that box.

What they didn't eat, they're probably wearing.

(laughs)

Look at these pictures.

Ooh.

Looks like most of them are of the inside of my pouch.

(chuckles)

Look, look, look.

There you go.

Look at that.

- Look at those dirty faces.

- Oh, my goodness.

-Can you get a cavity from looking at so much sweetness?

-Mm.

(chuckles)

I'm gonna send this one to my sister Nicole.

Look, who can resist Sarah and Evelyn playing muddy patty-cake?

Oh, here we go.

What do you mean by that?

Uh, Nicole and I send each other pictures of our grandbabies just to keep each other updated, and-and Mike thinks it's bragging.

It's like bragging with really sharp knives.

Okay, okay.

I'll admit my sister and I have a friendly rivalry.

We-we just...

we push each other to be better.

I get it, Vanessa.

Like Venus and Serena.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, a little less like Grand Slam tennis, more like a Connecticut catfight.

(Vanessa groans)

Any minute now.

(electronic ding)

- Oh.

- And return serve!

(laughs)

Here we go.

Nicole sent a picture of her grandson.

- MIKE: Mm.

- "Here's our little Ben "having his portrait sh*t at a real studio.

(mocking): The photographer thinks he could be a model." Holy Harry Styles!

- He's gorgeous!

- Oh, stop it.

Come on.

Who puts a toddler in an ascot?

All right, you know what?

It's on, it's on.

You're gonna get so much cute, you're gonna choke on it.

Mm.

And they say choking on cute's the worst way to go.

♪ Okay.

Ah.

Are the girls finally asleep?

Yes.

- (doorbell rings)

- (shushing)

What kind of maniac rings the doorbell to get into the house?

Ooh, sorry.

I'm guessing you just put the girls down.

I'm glad you're here, too, though, Mandy.

Yeah, well, that is the beauty of being a stay-at-home mom.

I get to help out my sis while she does the books for the Grill.

Yeah, we help each other.

- Yeah.

- It's who we are.

We're beautiful.

MANDY: What's with Dad's good camera?

Well, I just, I think it's time we took some exceptional photos of Sarah and Evelyn.

What?

We've got nothing but pictures.

We're looking into renting cloud storage from the NSA.

Yeah, but we don't have any that are professional grade, perfectly lit and styled...

So come on, let's wake those girls up!

- What?

- Sarah?

Evelyn?

Stay away from that bedroom, lady.

Mom, what is this really about?

This.

Jumpin' Justin Timberlake, is that Ben?

He's beautiful.

Oh, Aunt Nicole said the photographer liked his photo so much that he's gonna put it in the window.

That's huge.

Mm.

So is his head, but he'll grow into it.

Uh-oh.

Sounds like Aunt Nicole and Mom are being super competitive again.

This is like when we were kids and Aunt Nicole's daughter won Little Miss Ridgefield.

Yeah.

And then to one-up her, you made us the Outdoor Toddlers for Dad's catalog.

That's when I met my first love: the spotlight.

You know what?

That Outdoor Toddler catalog was one of their most popular ever, and you two were tiny little celebrities.

Aunt Nicole must have hated that.

I got to run.

(closes door loudly)

(babies crying)

- I'm taking that door off its hinges.

- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪ (chuckles): Hey, good morning, Pickles.

Really?

I brought pickles in my lunch yesterday, now I'm Pickles?

There was also a cupcake in there...

you want to go there?

(sighs)

No.

I'll be Pickles.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Asparagus.

- What?

- D-Don't fight it.

Just...

just be Asparagus.

Okay.

Uh, hey, I need some advice.

I gave you advice last week.

When is this ever going to end?

So, you know Doris Oliver, who lives on your street?

She's a regular customer of mine.

That old lady's into the chronic?

Well, that would explain the ill-advised halter tops.

(singsongy): "Morning." Anyway, she's moving, and she asked me if I wanted to buy her house.

- CHUCK: Oh.

- Yeah, but why you?

She wants it to go to somebody that she knows and someone who will take care of it and love it the way that she did.

Well, y-you know, she's kind of let it go, but it could be nice if you put some money into it.

I know, and that's expensive, you know?

I'm making more money now with the new job, but who knows?

Like, what if people stop smoking pot?

That ain't gonna happen.

Listen, it-it's always a good idea to buy the worst house on the best block.

And even though Baxter lives on it, it's still a pretty good block.

- It's just a stretch for us right now.

- Mm-hmm.

You know, we're just bouncing back from the pandemic.

Is right now the time to buy a house?

No, man, just think of it as an investment.

Not a lot of places on the market these days have a three-car garage, huh?

Quit pressuring the kid.

Ryan, are you really looking for a house, or is this just 'cause the opportunity came up?

Guess it's just 'cause the opportunity came up?

Trust your instincts.

You're a good man.

They'll serve you right.

You're right.

Thank you.

Knew I could count on you.

- See you guys.

- Mm.

You don't think he's a good man.

What are you up to?

I'm gonna buy that house.

(gasps)

What?!

Yeah.

Come on, you talked me into it.

You're a great salesman, Pickles.

(stammers)

♪ ♪ (clears throat)

Idea.

A musical.

About the man who invented the paper clip.

Yeah.

Ah, that's right.

Tagline: "The man who held it all together." - The first part...

Yes?

- Hi, Ed.

- Yes, hi.

- Uh, you busy?

Oh.

Sorry, but I'm never...

never too busy for my stepdaughter.

(chuckles)

That is a handsome vest.

- It is very slimming.

- Well, thank you, thank you.

You usually don't get that in bulletproof, you know.

So, what can I do for you, darling?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

Uh, well, no, yeah, I was...

- I was just going through some old stuff.

- Yeah.

Uh-huh.

- And I came across this old Outdoor Toddler catalog...

- All right.

With Kristin and Mandy.

See?

Remember this?

Oh, do I remember?

Look at that.

Damn cute babies.

Look at that.

(chuckles): Look.

In their snowsuits.

Mm.

And the actress playing their mother...

Dated her for two months.

- Uh, hey, uh, here's a thought.

Uh...

- Yeah.

Yeah.

What if we revive the Outdoor Toddler campaign?

If we put Mandy and Kristin in those tiny snowsuits...

well, I'm not sure what we'd be selling.

No, not...

Uh, all right, wait a...

- Um, I mean...

(chuckles)

- Yeah.

All right, look, I...

So I'm just spitballing here.

- All right.

- But, um...

but what if the new Outdoor Toddlers were Sarah and Evelyn?

Sarah and Evelyn?

Yeah, y-you know, you...

Your-your great-grand-stepki...

- Yeah.

- Step-grand...

the babies.

(both laugh)

Well, they're...

they're pretty cute.

- Yeah.

- They're very cute, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, it'll be like continuing the family legacy...

First the mothers, now the daughters, you know, like a circle of life.

Yeah, well, we can't afford that song, but, uh...

Okay, good.

It sounds great.

Great.

Let's do it.

- Ah.

Wonderful, wonderful.

- Let's do it.

Let's do it.

- Wonderful.

Great.

- Let's do it.

Oh, just decide which one of the girls it should be.

I'm sorry, wha...

what?

Well, y-you can't have both babies in the ad, you know.

No, no.

Wh-Why not?

I mean, we had Kristin and Mandy.

What...?

Sure, but market research shows that it's better to have one face representing the brand, see?

Even the Doublemint Twins, you see.

Two people, one face.

But so...

so I have to choose between my two granddaughters?

Yep.

But one of my daughters is gonna hate me.

Probably.

Sarah...

or Evelyn.

No, Sarah.

Or Evelyn.

Vanessa, remember when you asked me if I had "a sec" to help you - with something?

- Yeah.

I didn't realize it was gonna be a sec-tion of my life.

Oh, sorry.

They're just...

just so cute.

You know, you don't have to pick one.

You could let some other kid do the campaign.

And let my sister Nicole win?

No, thank you.

No, this is to prove a point.

To push her to be better?

Yeah, yeah, that's-that's...

All right, no, I can do this, I can do this.

So, uh, on the one hand, uh, Sarah is so photogenic.

Perfect.

Let's go with her.

Yeah, but... but Evelyn is cute as a button, and she can take direction, so...

So Evelyn it is.

But Sarah is a "Fall," and she would look absolutely perfect in little hiking gear.

Then let's go with Sarah.

Yeah, but...

but Evelyn is a "Winter," and she is the obvious choice for snowsuits, so...

(screams)

(exhales)

(laughs): Okay.

Maybe... maybe I'll just let Kristin and Mandy decide.

♪ Oh, let's see what I brought today.

Ooh...

Gumbo.

Oh, I love gumbo.

You know, that could be my nickname.

- I like it.

- Mm.

Gumbo Pickles.

(both chuckle)

Why are you in such a good mood?

You know, 'cause I'm feeling good about the offer I put on Mrs.

Oliver's house.

Huh.

You really are a piece of work, Baxter.

Come on, I'm not being selfish.

Fixing up that house will give me a project.

Besides, three-car garage...

- perfect for our auto restoration business.

- Mm.

You are always thinking of other people - and how you can screw them over.

- Mm.

- You make it sound so negative.

- Mm.

Morning, all.

"How's your morning, Ryan?" Well, it's been interesting.

Stopped by Mrs.

Oliver's to tell her how honored I was to get the opportunity to buy her house and that I was still thinking about it.

You're still thinking about it?

Yeah, and then she told me the funniest thing.

That another party, someone who lives on the street, had stopped by and made an offer.

And it was substantially more than she was asking.

Before you get angry about this...

And that other party was one Charles Larabee.

You tried to steal that house from me?

Well, if you steal from a thief, is it really stealing?

Wait, you both tried to steal the house from me?

I didn't want it.

He talked me into it...

shame on you.

- Shame on you.

- RYAN: Wow.

I... all I wanted was an opinion from people that I thought I could trust.

God, now I know how Julius Caesar felt when Brutus stabbed in the back.

I mean, of course, historians point out that Decimus was really the-the...

Actually, you know, it doesn't matter!

The point is, I have been stabbed.

(sighs)

Et tu, Pickles.

Ah, I can't believe our little girls are gonna be in the new Outdoor Toddler campaign.

First us, now them.

It's the circle of life.

Like that movie Chinatown.

You mean The Lion King?

Yes.

Mmm, oh, my gosh, I love this.

Mom, you hardly ever share your good wine.

Well, it is a special occasion.

(chuckles)

Uh, but, but there is just one little problem.

(clears throat)

Ed said there can only be one Outdoor Toddler.

(chuckles)

Oh, wow.

That's a bummer.

Who did Ed pick?

Well, he insisted that you guys decide.

I mean, you know Ed.

(chuckles)

Such a coward.

Ooh, this is tough.

I mean, Sarah's mom was really looking forward to her doing it.

That's you.

Just say you were looking forward to her doing it.

Not if you really want Evelyn to.

- No, no, it-it's fine.

- Thank you!

Thank you!

- Sarah can...

- Thank you!

...do it.

Ah, this is great, this is just...

Now I wish I'd brought the really good wine.

Besides, I got too much to do at work, you know?

I'm just, I'm too busy to spend all day at a photo sh**t, so...

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, don't make any more of this than it is.

I just mean that I'm busy.

I'm just as busy as you, Kris.

I'm cooking, cleaning, taking my kid to the park.

Taking your kid to the park.

KRISTIN: It's not like I'm sitting around...

I'm-I'm running a restaurant.

You-you know what, we're all busy.

Each in our own way.

(stammers)

I wish men did more!

There it is...

Running a restaurant.

Any chance you get to throw the "working mom" thing in my face.

I am not throwing anything.

It's not my fault if you're unhappy with the choices that you've made.

Being a stay-at-home mom is the most important job in the world!

Just ask Oprah!

You can't ask Oprah.

She's too busy with her career.

Okay, all right, please, girls...

Well, since you're just super working mom, who can do everything on her own, next time you're doing the books, watch your own kid!

Gladly!

That'll give you more time to watch your stories.

No!

No, girls, wait!

Oh, come on!

If you should be mad at anybody, it's men!

MIKE: Pickles?

(Mike chuckles)

You really need to stop calling me Pickles.

How bad do you want me to stop calling you Pickles?

I've learned to avoid conversations like this with you, Baxter.

They always end with my wife asking me, "How did you not see that coming?" How about this?

I stop calling you Pickles...

- Mm-hmm.

-...you drop your offer on the house.

Done.

No, that was too quick.

Nah, I dropped my offer this morning.

How did you not see that coming?

So now you get to steal Ryan's house all by yourself.

Wrong, I already dropped my bid on the house.

But that's a nice thing.

Well, I'm hoping Ryan will take another look at the house.

Told Mrs.

Oliver he's got a beautiful young family and they deserve a wonderful house like hers.

Oh.

Hey, Ryan.

Just got off the phone with Doris Oliver.

"Why was she calling, Ryan?" Well, it's interesting.

She wanted to let me know that I am exactly who she wants buying her house.

Oh, is that so?

Oh, yeah, that is so.

Even though the other offers were higher, because, in her own words, I have "a beautiful young family that deserves a wonderful home." That is something you'd only hear an old lady say.

RYAN: Yeah.

Kris and I talked about it, and now we're - looking into financing.

- CHUCK: Hmm.

You two clowns better watch out.

Because my beautiful family and I are gonna be moving onto your block.

Oh, uh, this... the feeling you're feeling right now?

It's a little thing called karma.

And it's supposed to sting.

You know, I'm getting the feeling I might miss that old lady in the halter top.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

With a word about friendly competition.

Hmm, actually that word is an oxymoron.

Because you're either being friendly or you're competing.

I don't think you can have both.

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry started out in a friendly competition, then they punished us all by writing a thousand songs about how much they hated each other.

I never heard the songs.

People have told me.

(clears throat)

I have three daughters, so trust me, I had "Bad Blood" coming out of my ears.

Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali actually were good friends in the '60s.

After they b*at each other's brains out three times?

Not so close.

It's true in all arenas.

You start out in a civil discourse about the size of government.

Next thing you know, you're Alexander Hamilton, lying in a pool of his own blood.

In the book The Art of w*r, Sun Tzu said, "Choose your enemies well, for you will come to resemble them." (chuckles softly)

So, before you win an unfriendly competition, you ask yourself, would you rather resemble the bigger cutthroat or the bigger person?

Baxter out.

Pretty brilliant, right?

(exhales)

You know, when I was talking to Mike about the girls, I didn't even think he was listening.

Mr. Baxter can hear without listening.

It's freaky.

- Hey, Mama.

- Hey.

-You wanted to see me?

What's up?

-Hi.

Yeah.

Uh, you know what, let's just wait till Kris gets here.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Mom.

(chuckles softly)

You said there'd be wine.

Not a whiner.

Oh.

Stellar pun.

(chuckles)

(stammers)

But...

Puns are meant for good, not for evil.

So just...

(stammers)

Sit down.

You guys remember that Outdoor Toddler photo sh**t?

You know what picture everyone loved the most?

Yeah, sure.

Any one with me in it.

Uh, you wish.

I invented smizing.

Tyra Banks stole it from me.

No, it was the one of you guys making s'mores.

Everyone just could see how much you guys loved working together.

You had a-a whole system.

Yeah, well, Mandy's really good at toasting the marshmallow without setting it on fire.

Kristin melts the chocolate just right.

All right, well, you guys just...

You just seemed to naturally love doing things together.

And then, somewhere along the way, that changed.

And I think I know why.

Yeah.

Eve was born.

Frickin' Eve.

Okay, no, I am talking about sisters competing.

Look, I think you learned that from watching me and Nicole.

Um, and I-I told myself that we were pushing each other to be better, but...

it ruined our relationship.

And you don't want that happening to us.

No.

No.

And-and I really, really don't want it happening to Sarah and Evelyn.

Oh.

(chuckles softly)

That would be awful.

- Mm-hmm.

- MANDY: Yeah.

I'm really sorry.

I know that you weren't trying to put me down.

It's just that, ever since I left my job, I guess...

I'm a little sensitive.

I'm sorry, too.

I guess I...

am still feeling pretty guilty that I don't get to see Evelyn as much as you get to see Sarah, which I totally shouldn't.

(chuckles)

I mean, I shouldn't, right?

Mm.

And-and I just never should have made this whole thing a competition.

So...

I think that I am going to recommend that the Outdoor Toddler...

be Ben.

- Ben, huh?

- Yeah.

- Wow, Mom.

That's a good idea.

- VANESSA: Yeah.

That'll really mean a lot to Aunt Nicole.

Yeah.

And Ben's smize game?

(exhales)

Fierce.

Hey, it's no better than Sarah and Evelyn...

No.

(stammers)

Not gonna go there.

Uh...

(chuckles)

I started this competition, and I just need to end it.

- Mm.

- Okay.

That's nice, Mom.

- Now let me at those marshmallows.

- Yeah.

-Make-up s'mores are the best.

(chuckles)

-Yeah.

You guys look so cute.

- (chuckles)

- (shutter sound effect)

I am gonna send this picture to Aunt Nicole.

She's gonna be so jealous.

Mom.

Oh, come on.

I can't just quit cold turkey.

(chuckles)

But how do we get a star attached without a script?

Because it's a k*ller idea.

All right?

First we get a star attached, then we get some funding, then we commission a script.

Seems backwards.

Scripts are overrated.

You get the right actor, they make up their own lines anyway.

Let me see now.

Uh...

I was thinking, for the, uh...

For the younger daughter, how about that plucky pitcher from The Bad News Bears?

Tatum O'Neal?

Yes!

Yes, yes.

She's got to be in her 50s.

No way.

No way.

That fresh-faced little ragamuffin?

Just because you saw a movie yesterday doesn't mean that's when it was made.

Oh, for the father, how about the...

How about the...

aha...

The dashing concierge from Pretty Woman?

Never heard of it.

All right.

The urbane limo driver from, from Princess Diaries.

I'm pretty sure that isn't a real movie.

Okay.

The sophisticated doctor from Chicago Hope.

- Hmm?

Yes.

- Yes.

- I love him!

- Great, great.

-Mandy Patinkin!

I'll make some calls.

-Yes.

Yes.

All right.

Note to myself: consider another casting director.

(chicken clucks)