05x05 - Kids These Days

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hey, all you mamas out there.

Today on "A Real Mother Vlog,"

I'm going to show you that sometimes,

it's important to just be a fun mom.

Oh, my gosh. Look!

A white-breasted nuthatch.

And just like that,

today is the best day of my life.

- What?
- Gotcha, bird nerds!

- Incoming!
- Oh!

You were aiming for my face!

Well, yeah. That's going to
read best on camera.

Why didn't you tell us
you were gonna surprise us?

Sakes alive!

What?

I just saved you from birdwatching

with a water balloon fight.

Birdwatching is safe.

What you did was dangerous.

Let's go, Franklin.

You ruined the best day of my life.

[Door opens]

[Door slams]

[Groans]

[Cellphone beeps]

Okay. New topic.

The world has made kids soft.

Did you know that they banned
dodgeball in P.E.?

How are the popular kids
supposed to pick on the losers

during a school-sanctioned activity?

This is why there's a rise
in cyber-bullying.

♪

According to the most recent census,

what is the current population
of Westport?

, ...

, .

Damn it.

I'm gonna need to remember these things

if I'm gonna hold my own
in the City Council debate.

Useless numbers and facts?

That's my bread and butter.

Don't b*at yourself up, Dad.

I have all the faith
in the world in you, bud.

I love you.

Wow.

You must really want something

because you just used the "I love you"

you were saving for my death bed.

You're my dad and my best friend.

But since you asked,

I do need you to get me

a teeny tiny prescription for Boosterin.

Boosterin?

For ADHD?

You don't have ADHD.

No, but it also helps you focus

and access an extra % of your brain.

I have midterms.

Gotta keep my grades up for Harvard.

Are you out of your mind?

Every other kid in school
not only takes Boosterin,

they have private tutors,
take prep classes.

If I don't do this,
I'm at a disadvantage.

Do you take Boosterin?

[Chuckles] No.

No, I get my grades
the old fashioned way...

giving the teachers
great Christmas presents.

What'd your mom say?

There is no world where
I'm helping my teenage son

get prescription dr*gs to study.

But you took dr*gs in high school.

I did it to fit in! It's different!

I'm with your mom... no way.

This is medication for kids who need it.
You don't need it.

Dad, we could take it together.

Me for my midterms, you for your debate.

It'd be like a father-son camping trip,

except instead of roasting marshmallows,

we'll be taking
performance-enhancing dr*gs.

Absolutely not.

- [Scoffs]
- [Door closes]

My parents don't understand
the pressure I'm under.

They don't know what it's like
to strive for something great.

If they had a vision board,

it would just be a picture
of wicker furniture

and the Blue Man Group.

♪

I have a question about Kant's
"Critique of Pure Reason."

Of course.

What was his critiques,
and what were his reasons?

[Laughs]

You're funny.

[Laughs] Yeah. I'm so funny.

Well, uh, the professor asked me

to review German philosophy
with the class next week

for the midterm,
so we'll just cover it then.

All right, Taylor, I'll see you Monday.

Taylor?

[Whistles]

Taylor?

Oh, uh, sorry.

It's just this sculpture.

It makes me feel stuff

that isn't, like,
hungry or sad or tired.

Maybe it's the triangles.

You know, they've represented
so much throughout history.

Mind, body, spirit.

Life, death, rebirth.

Past, present, future.

Tall, grande, venti.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

[Both laugh]

You know, um, there's an exhibit

at the Westport Art Center
Saturday night.

I'm going.

You should... You should come, too.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

- I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, my God. I do, too.

I don't know why I just said that.

I don't. I'm straight.

But I'm an ally.

Uh, besides, it's... it's...

it's not even like
I was, um, asking you out.

It's... No.

It's more of like a group thing where...

I'm actually asking everybody.

Hey, uh, you!

You want to go to an art exhibit?

No.

No problem. I-It's not for everyone.

That's why it's art!

How about you?

Can I bring my dog?

- Probably not.
- Oh.

You see? It's not just for me and you.

The more the merrier. [Inhales deeply]

Definitely bring your boyfriend.

Yeah, I mean, he's super into art.

Uh, looking at it... tracing stuff.

Great. Well, I hope to see
you and your boyfriend there.

As part of a group.

Hey, uh, do you wanna go
to an art exhibit?

I have a boyfriend.

So do I!

Why do I keep saying that?

[Chuckles]

♪

How's the app?

- Are we any closer to launch?
- Mm.

We hit a speed bump in the coding.

I could explain it, but I won't,

because I've decided not
to develop my personal skills

or the patience necessary to do so.

A-buh, buh, buh! Can you stop? Please?

I can't think with you hovering over me.

I don't tell you how to code.

You don't tell me how to be

in charge of refreshments, amigo.

Guys, I don't have time
for this bickering.

I need this app up and running
and wildly successful ASAP

so it can help me get into Harvard.

Especially now that my parents

won't get me Boosterin for my midterms.

If you need Boosterin,
I've got a prescription for it.

- I can spot you some.
- Really? Sure.

Oliver. Mom and Dad said no.

Yeah. You know what they've said yes to?

Non-monogrammed towels.

Their judgement isn't exactly sound.

- There you go.
- Just two?

Yeah. You only take a quarter at a time.

That'll be more than enough
to get you through midterms.

Chief Officer of Snacks
and Beverages, you need any?

No. No, I come from money.

Whatever school Oliver goes to

will have a brand-new
Cooper Bradford biblioteca.

Hopefully whatever school
I go to already has a library.

Is that what that means?

♪

Doris, did you watch my latest vlog?

Hey, uh, Katie,

I just want to set a baseline
for our friendship...

I'm never gonna watch your vlog.

Let me sum it up for you...

How are kids supposed to learn

to pick themselves up off the ground

if they never get knocked down?

Get a skinned knee,
have some actual fun.

If your friend's psycho brother
hasn't chased you with a BB-g*n,

you haven't lived.

Katie, you just need to give
Anna-Kat and Franklin

an old-fashioned childhood experience.

You're right.

Time for a bottle rocket fight.

Where can I get some fireworks?

[Sighs] Nowhere.

They're illegal in Connecticut.

Laws ruin everything.

Since society has sucked

every ounce of joy from childhood,

I want to teach you
a few adventurous games

so that you can have some actual fun.

We can take an adventure without risk.

An adventure in our minds.

I'm at a fast-food drive-thru.

One sourdough
grilled chicken club, please.

Super fun. Super safe.

You have to take risks in life
in order to succeed.

This is the game that I played as a kid.

It's called "Shark in the Water."

- Here's how you play...
- I don't like sharks.

- There's no shark, so...
- I also don't like water.

There's no water.

Just listen.

You have to cross the room

without touching the floor,

which we are pretending
is shark-infested waters.

What happens when we touch the floor?

You get eaten by a shark. [Snorts]

We'll start small.

Just jump off the island
to the couch cushion,

onto the piano bench.

Go!

The piano bench looks
pretty darn pointy.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Otto,

but I can't risk losing an eye.

I need the ability to track
moving objects accurately.

I've mentioned my dream

to become a tennis line judge, right?

♪

Ta-da!

- This is it?
- Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, I think it's a bunch of triangles

on top of each other.

Okay, but how does it make you feel?

Triangle?

Hey, I used triangle
in its adjective form.

But when you look at the triangles,

don't you think it symbolizes
mind, body, spirit?

Life, death, rebirth?

Yeah, I'm not getting any of that.

Hey, I thought we were going to
that new taco place.

You know they have
a cheeseburger burrito?

You want to talk about art?

- Let's talk about that.
- Yeah. We are.

I-I'm just getting into art,

and I thought you might like it, too,

but... it's whatever.

Let's go.

I don't know why you're so mad.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait.
I see something else!

I see... triangles!

♪

I have to hide the Boosterin somewhere.

How about your dopp kit?

No.

No me gusta tus drogas.

[Pounding on door]

KATIE: Open up!

Okay!

Give me a sec.

[Pounding on door]

Open up!

She knows!

Don't you dare fall apart on me.

I-I'm not built for deception...

just charm and a few easy laughs.

Just let me handle it.

[Pills clack]

- Hey, Mom.
- Don't "Hey, Mom" me.

You know what you two did.

Oh, God, we're going to jail.

It'll be a nice jail, maybe nicer
than here, but still jail.

Why don't you tell us what we did?

Once again, you left your wet towels

on your bedroom floor for me to pick up.

Next time this happens,

you both will be sharing
Luthor's butt towel.

Okay, we're in the clear.

I don't know.

Don't worry.

She doesn't believe in vitamins.

That's why I'll always
hide them in here.

What do you mean "always"?

I'll be hitting Trevor up for more

during finals, SATs, and ACTs.

That's right.

Your boy's doing both.

No. This could be dangerous.
I'm not okay with it.

[Sighs] Look, I'm not you.

I can't buy my way into college.

So, I'm doing what I have to do.

I have it under control.

That's what they all say.

I know what addiction
can do to a person.

I saw my uncle Winston
lose himself to Fabergé eggs.

♪

This is perfect.

I want Anna-Kat and Franklin to
jump high, flirt with danger.

They're years old,

and they don't have a scar
with a cool story behind it.

See this?

I was the first girl in our school

to attempt the jump

from the big oak tree
to the monkey bars.

Attempt?

Landed on a rock, split open my elbow,
blood everywhere.

The playground monitor passed out.

Made the school paper.

They called it The Red Recess.

I have one of those, too.

Got this at chess champ.

Was a little too close
to the board, sneezed,

and hit my queen.

I had to hold a tissue to it
for the rest of the match.

Yep. That's the kind of stuff
I'm talking about.

I'm gonna do some more
last-minute cramming

for the debate.

I still don't have all
the comptroller's kids' names

memorized to my satisfaction.

Hey, Mrs. Otto, I need to talk
to you about something.

Cooper, why does your generation

think everything is so dangerous?

Well, what if you know someone

who's taking an unnecessary risk?

Then you take notes,

because this worry-wart attitude

is exactly why you are all

such weak-sauce marshmallow turds.

- But Mrs. Otto...
- Weak-sauce...

marshmallow... turds!

♪

...save the taxpayer three-point...

three-point...

Dang it!

. %.

I knew that!

"Helps with energy and improves memory."

What else you got?

♪

KATIE: All right, guys. Open your eyes!

Come on up!

Good golly, are you asking
for a lawsuit, lady?

I called your mom,
and she signed off on it.

But my mom doesn't have
her eye on the ball.

I love her, but she'd make
a terrible line judge.

Just get on the trampoline.

Where's the safety net?

We're not putting a safety net on.

Nothing with the word
"safety" in it is fun.

[Exhales sharply] Whoo!

These bad boys were a lot smaller

the last time I did this.

What?

I said come on!

Get up here!

Let's be professional wrestlers!

Piledriver!

Ooh! Oh!

Mom!

[Gasps]

[Exhales sharply] I'm fine.

Ooh. Just gotta pop my shoulder back in.

[Chuckles]

[Shoulder cracks]

[Both scream]

[Screams]

♪

Hey, you guys ready for the debate?

We're leaving soon.

We're not going.

Why not?

Watching you mangle your body

in the name of "fun"
really freaked us out,

so we're just gonna stay here
and play "Be Safe."

"Be Safe"?

It's a game we made up.

The rules are you sit
on the floor and do nothing.

It's not very fun,

but like the name says, it's safe,

and unlike soccer,
women get paid the same as men.

Fine.

You know what? You win.

Actually, Mrs. Otto,
no one wins in "Be Safe."

That's one of
my favorite things about it.

If I could throw my arms up in
frustration right now, I would.

♪

Hey, Cooper, did you take
the Boosterin out of the bottle?

No, of course not.

Somebody did.

[Heavy metal music playing in distance]

♪

Dad?

- [Music stops]
- Wow! Hey, guys!

Get in the car.
It's time to get to the debate.

Actually, I'll just run there!

No.

It's super humid.

We can't have your hair Bozo-ing out.

We'll drive you there.

Good point.

I'll do upside-down push-ups
until we leave.

[Grunting]

To be safe, you should dial , ,

and then have your thumb
hovering over the second .

♪

Thank you all for coming

to the Westport City Council Debate.

We have a lot to cover,
so let's get started.

Mr. Otto, the cornerstone
of your platform

is to save a field?

Not just any field.

A historic field,
where Israel Bissel fed his horse.

How do you plan on
funding that endeavor?

I intend to get it on the National
Historical Landmarks Registry,

where it belongs.

Not only will it preserve it,

the city will be eligible
for state funding

and tax benefits to maintain it.

It's a win for Westport
and a win for history.

[Sighs]

I'll tellin' ya, man,
Boosterin is the best.

Mr. Hobert, you are in favor of

building a retail space
on that very field.

- Your thoughts?
- My thought is that this town

has gone too long
without a Paula's Pretzels.

I was just saying that!

Honey, wasn't I just saying that?

You're supposed to be impartial.

Westport Plaza will create numerous jobs

and help generate
considerable tax revenue.

Not to mention
it'll have an ice cream shop

where they mix the toppings in

while you're watching.

[Chuckling] It's spectacular.

Mr. Otto, care to respond?

Well, yes.

While what Mr. Hobert said sounds true,

if you look at the statistics
regarding other such properties,

you'll find...

What is with the blinking?

He picked a weird time
to flirt with the moderator.

He's just excited.

Sure, he took four times the dose,

but he's four times my size, right?

Just say "right."

Didn't Trevor say excessive blinking

could be one of the side effects?

- Yeah.
- [Sighs]

Among others.

There are lots of possible side effects.

Excessive blinking, dry mouth...

♪

...dizziness...

Which I think if...
we divert the funds to...

Are we having an earthquake?

Earthquake!

♪

...and hand tremors.

And that's why a vote for Greg Otto...

...is a vote for Westport!

Start talking.

I'm as confused as you are.

We accidentally drugged Dad.

Oliver got Boosterin.

Dude!

Hate me today, thank me tomorrow.

Is that what you were
trying to tell me earlier?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Mom.

Our family's become another statistic.

♪

I'm never taking B again.

I'm clearly allergic to it!

You want to tell him?

- Tell me what?
- Dad...

I got two Boosterin pills,

and I hid them in your B bottle.

COOPER: You're not having
an allergic reaction to B .

You're actually having
a fairly standard reaction

- to quadruple the recommended dose.
- Yeah.

What?

You not only got Boosterin,

but then you drugged me with it

on the night of my debate?

I'm sorry.

Really.

I got it because I thought
it would help with my midterms.

But after watching you
fight off those imaginary...

I think it was bats?

Bees, actually.

Either way,

I promise you I will never
go near Boosterin again.

Good. You don't need it.

You'll have plenty of time
to study for midterms,

because you're grounded.

Indefinitely.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

How you feeling?

Like I'm gonna get my butt
kicked in the election.

You get knocked down,
and you get up again.

I believe in you.

Aww. Thanks so much.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Plus, you're assuming that anyone

is playing attention to this debate...

or the election for that matter.

No one cares, honey.

In the future, after I say "thank you,"

you can just stop.

♪

_

[Knock on door]

Trip. What are you doing here?

I just spent three hours
staring at that statue,

trying to come up
with something to say about it,

and here's what I got...

it is not sturdy enough
for a human to climb on.

You didn't have to do that.

Yes, I did.

Because I'm not doing something right,

and I'm trying to do better.

It's okay.

I love it.

Oh, that's not for you.

I got it for Anna-Kat.

I picked this up for her
at your student union.

I thought she might like it.

You're the sweetest guy in the world.

Thank you, but the sweetest
guy in the world

is the UPS driver I saw on the news.

He gives out hugs with every package.

- [Chuckles]
- Come on.

- I'm taking you on a date.
- Where?

Well, I figured since
you're getting into art,

maybe we could go to Color Me Mine.

Some kid rented it out for his birthday,

but his mom said we could come
if we bring a gift.

[Laughs]

- I'll be down in a second.
- Okay.

[Cellphone keyboard clacking]

♪

I really thought

that I was doing my younger kids
a disservice

by always letting them
take the safe route.

But at the same time,

my teenager is dying to take risks,

and I want him to be safer.

[Sighs]

Being a mom makes you
and everyone around you crazy.

It's why shows like "Snapped" exist.

Sometimes, it's just about

finding the middle ground, ladies.

And Dale.

I see you, Dale.

So, the three of us came up
with a new game together.

We combined my mom's game,
"Shark in the Water,"

with our game, "Be Safe."

It's called "The Water's Dirty,

So Don't Get Wet Unless
You Absolutely Have To,

Because Everyone Wins When
You Put Safety First."

Believe it or not,

the title used to be longer
and mentioned cholera.

[Exhales sharply]

Whoa!

This is fun.

[Sighs] I just watched "Free Solo."

Now I know how that guy feels.

I'm playing, too.

Come here!

- I got you!
- [Bone cracks]

Oh! Oh! [Breathing heavily]

Oops!

Dislocated my shoulder again.

No problem. Just gonna knock it back in.

- [Grunts]
- [Shoulder cracks]

[Anna-Kat and Franklin scream]

[Grunts]

[Anna-Kat and Franklin scream]

Probably should call a doctor. [Sighs]

Yep. That's what I should do.

Are you guys sure about this?

Yeah. The net's up,
we're going one at a time.

We're totally good.

[Sighs deeply]

Nice job.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

You know what?

I don't think this is for me.

Oh.

♪