01x19 - The Polo Match

[bunniefuu]

Ooh! You look just like Kate Middleton.

I realize that.

But I'm still not wearing this dumb hat,

because I'm not going
to the stupid polo match.

This is my charity event
for the community,

and you are part of that
community, and you are going.

Mnh-mnh. I'm not part of the community.

I just happen to live in the community.

What's the charity, Doris?

I don't know.

Horses? Orphans? AIDS?

God, I hope it's not for something
boring, like the environment.

- We should go, honey. It'd be fun.
- Greg, please. Don't make me leave you.

I'm too unmotivated
to get a revenge body.

Doris, I just don't like fancy events.

It's not who I am.

I like to be comfortable.

So while you're out playing horsies,

I'll be at home, covered in a blanket.

And yes... probably popcorn.

[Scoffs]

Oliver's going.

Doris offered to let me
cut the ceremonial ribbon

at the polo match.

Why?! You hate him.

I do. So much.

But I did it to punish my kids.

They've cracked so many smartphones.

Stop saying
it wasn't your fault! It was!

So I took away the ribbon-cutting
honor and gave it to Oliver.

I'll get my picture
in the "About Town" section

of the Westport Observer.

Anybody who's anybody is in there.

How does this look?

I ate some street food in Manhattan
when I was pregnant with him.

I wonder if one of those meat worms
made its way into his brain.

You're going to that polo match.

Katie: If I put on this hat
and go to this thing,

I become everything
I can't stand about this town.

Suddenly, I'm one of those people

who say they're stuffed
after eating salad.

God, I hate...

Hey! What's going on in there?!

I'm not going, and you can't make me.

Hey, Anna-Kat.

You want to lead a horsie out
at a pony event?

Yes!

Got you now.

Wow!

Blindsided by my best friend.

Now I know how Roy felt
when the tiger ate him.

♪

I'll wear this purple tie,
give Oliver the suspenders,

we'll put the girls in purple dresses,

and we'll figure something out
for you so we all match.

Where the hell did you get
a purple bow tie?

When I was alternate number
in my Duke a cappella group.

- [Hums]
- Don't.

You know I can't control my face
when I listen to you sing.

[Cellphone bloops]

[Laughs]

Are you watching that video
of me dancing again?

You gave me two margaritas
and put on Whitney Houston.

- It was basically entrapment.
- No!

I am trying to convince Billy
to come to the polo match.

I don't want
your old college roommate here.

He's like a man mixed with an infant.

He's a "minfant."

Don't judge Billy.

Remember, if he hadn't taken me in

when I got kicked off campus
for a minor infraction...

- You were streaking.
- No.

I was sitting naked in the
fountain, drinking sangria.

"Streaking" implies running.

You're right. I feel silly.

And if Billy hadn't rented me a room,

I might have dropped out, moved home,

never signed up for your class,
never met you,

and our children
would've never been born.

So by you hating Billy,
you hate our children.

Kids! Your dad hates you!

- Taylor: What?!
- Nothing!

Billy is my connection to who I was.

And if I have to go
to that stupid polo match

and be around those people
that I don't like,

I need him there to lean on.

He's loud, crass,

and need I remind you
what he did at our wedding?

Cake dive!

[People gasp]

He ruined our wedding.

- [Cellphone bloops]
- [Gasps] Billy's in.

Well, we have no room for him here.

He'll park his food truck in
the driveway and stay in that.

Great.

Why don't we just pull the couch
onto the front lawn

to complete the white-trash tableau.

Just for that, I'm gonna watch
that video of you dancing.

♪

I can't believe Billy's coming to visit.

You should be excited
to see him. He's your godfather.

All he does is terrorize me.

We've been in a seven-year prank w*r,

and he's the only one doing the pranks.

I will never be happier than the day

I saw you with shaved eyebrows.

- [Car horn plays "La Cucaracha"]
- He's here!

Out of my way!

How come you're never
that excited to see me?

Too many reasons to name right now!

Come on, Greg!

Billy!

Hey! [Bleep] Breath!

Lovely.

[Both laugh]

How you doing, chief?

Chief is well. Thank you.

- And it's "Greg."
- Ah. Okay.

He never remembers my name.

So? He calls me [Bleep] Breath.

What are you upset about?

Say hello to your godfather.

[As Don Corleone] Oliver, someday
I'm gonna come to you for a favor.

Gooba, gooba, goo. [Laughs]

Okay, yeah. I think
this joke has run its course.

You remember Taylor and Anna-Kat.

Billy: Yeah. Taylor,
it's been a long time.

And I know that you like
to keep your hands clean,

so I got you a box of plastic gloves.

Ooh! The lunch lady wears these.

Oh, thank God you're here to save me.

They're trying to turn me
into a fancy-hat person.

Oh, don't worry about that.
Billy's got ya.

The only thing
going on your head is this.

[Both laugh]

[Coughs]

Sir, could you please
turn off your truck?

Could you please go screw yourself?

[Laughs] You are just what I needed.

Sorry, Ron. You're under no
obligation to go screw yourself.

♪

[Engine shuts off]

In college,
Billy would make us breakfast

every Sunday morning.

[Laughs]

How high were we?

[Chuckles]

We were on the seventh floor,
so... pretty high.

Terrible save.

- Now...
- [Pan clatters]

...this is my chicken neck scramble.

My hook is,
I barbecue the chicken necks.

You know, most people throw them away.

When was the last time

your truck passed
a health inspection test?

Well, technically, it's
an old blood-donation truck,

so I skate by inspection-free.

Okay, people,
pass your food to the front.

Ah-ah! Gotcha!

[Billy and Katie laugh]

He put shaving cream in my backpack!

[Laughter]

Mom!

Oliver, grow a pair.

♪

He's been pulling pranks on me
since I was in kindergarten.

Actually, it started
when you were an infant.

It did?

He drew a tiny mustache on you
with a Sharpie.

You looked just like a fat, bald h*tler.

What do you say this time,
we get him back?

Evil Dad.

Now, this is my kind
of father/son bonding.

♪

Bye, Taylor. Bye, Anna-Kat.

Katie!

[Singsong voice] Hi!

[Singsong voice] Hi!

Did you get my e-mail?

Which one of the
are you talking about?

We finally got the cafeteria

to change Taco Tuesday to Tofu Tuesday!

- Isn't that great?!
- Amazing!

I know! [Laughs]

Buh-bye!

Bye!

What the hell was that?

It was like listening
to two dolphins banging.

Oh, it's terrible. I don't even
notice I do it anymore.

Tara: Hey!

Who's this number combo?

One neck, two breasts,
and an ass full of Tabasco.

Oh, that's Tara.
She's the worst of the bunch.

She's Taylor's boyfriend's mom.

Tara, this is my friend Billy.

You see this?

A-minus!

Eyo has never gotten
below an "A" in his life.

It's your daughter's fault.

She's a distraction,
and I won't have it.

[Chuckles] This is the kind of
nonsense I deal with every day.

I mean, how do you not
stick your head in a deep fryer?

I don't have a deep fryer.

That is the most honest answer
I could give you.

Listen to me.

Eyo is going to medical school,

- [Taylor laughs]
- and your girl's not going to get in his way.

Stop talking to her!

[School bell rings] Remember, you're going
to be an anesthesiologist!

Have you seen enough?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Want to go to second breakfast with me?

It'll be my third, but sure.

♪

So, this is your favorite spot
in town, huh?

Yeah. What do you think?

Twel... Twelve dollars? For eggs?

I can get you a neck-and-onion
scramble for $ . .

Well, everything's pesticide-free, so...

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, it's really...

- clean.
- Mm.

Oh, look at that. There's not
even any gum under the table.

Mnh-mnh.

And there is now.

Billy.

Hey, when did you become so hoity-toity?

Well, my back's
kind of up against the wall.

In Westport, there's not many choices.

Hm.

You want to get out of here

and go have breakfast
the way we used to?

Hell yeah.

♪

[Fan whirring]

Nothing better
than gas-station grub, huh?

Onion rings dipped in nacho cheese

spelled with a "Z"...

nothing makes me happier.

So, what are we gonna do
at this polo match?

Let the horses out and then be like,

"I don't know how they got out"?

[Laughing] We can't do that.

I still gotta live here, Billy.

Can't drink a tall boy right now.

Why not?

Just put them back in the bag.

We'll drink them later.

Oh, are you worried
that someone's gonna see you

getting drunk at a gas station
at : in the morning?

Yeah. That covers all the bases.

What are you looking at?

[Scoffs] You've changed.

You're crazy!

Oh, come on! You're eating
in fancy restaurants,

taking me to a polo match,

letting a tall boy go flat.

Same girl I ever was.

Okay.

I am!

Prove it.

Steal that.

That stupid thing?

You see?

Old Katie wouldn't think twice.

What happened to the girl

who made jello sh*ts out of toilet water

and took out an entire sorority?

Oh, that was the best!

Yeah, where's that girl?

♪

She's right here.

[Fan whirring]

What kind of lesson is this
for the kids?!

[Whirring stops]

Billy dared me.

[Sighs] I do not like
these friends of hers.

You're gonna take this back,
and you're going to apologize.

Fine.

But I can't apologize.

I don't even know
what this thing is called.

What am I supposed to say?
"Sorry I stole your..."

[Thumping]

I'm practicing leading the pony
onto the field.

But before you say anything,
I realize...

this is make-believe.

You look amazing, baby.

You know...

this could work.

Now...

we all match.

No.

Mnh-mnh.

Come on, Mama.

Please!

Okay.

I've got to learn to love you less.

♪

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

Don't worry about me, Westport.
Wear whatever you want.

Hey, don't call me Westport.

Pbht! I bet you even
started wearing underwear.

Ew! Mom!

Mine.

♪

Revenge is a dish... best served cold.

And with tartar control.

[Both chuckle evilly]

Look, Katie...

[Muffled] I'll go with ya....

...but I'm not wearing a hat.

And I'm / on wearing a shirt.

Oliver: He didn't even notice!

The doughnut was filled
with half a tube of toothpaste.

A goat would've spit it out.

So, what do we try next?

That's all I got.

Dad. Think about it.

What did people do to you
when you were a kid?

You're not gonna believe this,

but I was actually pretty cool
when I was a kid.

Just so I have a point of reference,
are you cool now?

I started listening to Ryan Seacrest
on the way to work.

Okay.

That gives me
all the information I need.

♪

I'm gonna wear these Kelly-green
pants to the polo match.

I'm just gonna do it!

I'm not gonna do it.
I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Let me know how it goes,
because I'm staying home.

Why?

I'm just not up for pretending
to be one of those people.

It's not me.

And if I go, it's like I'm giving in.

But it's Doris' charity.

She still isn't even sure
what the charity is for...

or what charity is.

The whole family is going.

You're part of the family,
so you're going.

Fine.

[Sighs]

What is with you?

Have I changed?

What are you talking about?

Am I a different person
than who I used to be?

Of course. You've grown up.
You got kids and a house.

No. I mean have I changed
since we moved to Westport?

You really need to stop worrying

what a guy who lives inside
a chicken truck thinks of you.

You've changed
in appropriate and healthy ways.

Come on. Let's get ready for bed.

I'm appropriate? And healthy?

Just add the word "polite,"

and I become everything I can't stand.

I am not letting go of the old Katie.

And the first thing is,
I'm done talking in my head.

I am not changing!

Hey, you want to sleep in your
clothes, knock yourself out.

[Indistinct conversations]

I'm gonna take Anna-Kat and sign in.

Okay, Champ. Catch you later.

- You know my name is Greg.
- You got it, Ace.

Rum and coke?

- Tequila.
- There she is!

Yeaaaaah!

Hey, Mrs. Otto. I like your hat.

Eyo.

I... don't like your hat?

Eyo!

Mrs. Otto, I recognize
the existence of your hat,

but I have... no opinion on it.

Thank you, Eyo.

[Laughs]

- [Singsong voice] I made you be fancy!
- Yeah.

I'm returning this dress tomorrow,

as long as I don't pit out too badly.

[Chuckles]

Oliver, here are
the ceremonial scissors.

I know we have our differences

and you're only doing this
to punish your kids...

...but thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to find some people who matter.

I should do that, too.

No offense, Katie.

Sure.

- [Singsong voice] Hi, Katie!
- [Singsong voice] Hi, Suzanne!

You look amazing!

- Uh-huh. But...?
- But nothing.

I would k*ll to have that skin.

Oh. It's because I don't run.

[Laughs]

You're hysterical. [Laughs]

I'm gonna come back
and grab you in a few.

We're taking a group picture.

Mm. You want me to take it for you?

No, we want you in it... with us!

Oh!

- Sure.
- Yeah.

We'll all hang out
and drink Tom Collinses.

They're back. [Chuckles]

I didn't know they were gone.

But I'm in.

Oh! [Chuckles]

Oh.

Look who got invited to sit
with the cool girls at school.

I can't stop them from being nice to me.

Yeah.

Doris, this is my old friend Billy.

I'm so glad you came.

[Hushed] He's not wearing a jacket,
a tie, or closed-toe shoes.

This is a closed-toe event.

Hey, you ever, um... thought of adding
a betting element to this thing?

I mean, you got all the ingredients...
horses, booze...

idiots with money.

[Chuckles] Billy, this is Doris' event.

- Be nice.
- Oh. Okay.

For your information,
this is the premier event for...

...the charity it supports.

You still don't know what it's called.

Yes, I do.

Big Hands, Small Hearts.

So it's gonna help people
born with big hands

and/or small hearts.

Hm.

Angela, this is my friend Billy.

- Hi! [Chuckles]
- Oh.

- Oh!
- Mwah!

I've heard so much about you.

I could turn her if I wanted to.

[Laughs]

No way in hell.

Oh. I'm just not in the mood.

Okay.

Doris, there isn't
a suitable vegan option.

Oh, sure there is.

The vegan option is to go home and eat.

Oh! Okay. Come on.

For an event
that sponsors heart disease,

you sure have a lot of bacon
on that buffet!

- Heart disease? So that's it.
- Yeah.

- Where do the huge hands come in?
- I don't know.

[Chuckles]

- Tara.
- Hm?

Looks like you and I will be spending

a lot more Christmases together.

Do not kiss her!
I saw her eating cheese!

[Singsong voice] Hi!

Can we steal Katie for a sec?

No.

[Singsong voice] Byeeee!

I can't tell if you're mad or confused

'cause of your frozen forehead.

[Chuckles nervously]

Suzanne, he's just a big goof.

I'll catch you later.

I saved you from that one.
You owe me big.

Mm.

So big.

[Laughter]

- Say "Tom Collins"!
- [Camera shutter clicks]

♪

[Over P.A.] Thank you, everyone,

for attending and contributing
to this... important event.

A-And now Oliver Otto
will cut the ceremonial ribbon.

Just to be clear, he is not my child.

Oliver, where are the giant scissors?

They were just here a second ago.

They're enormous. How did you lose them?

We'll find them.

Doris, distract the crowd.

[Crowd murmuring]

Uh, s-so, where's everybody from?

Is that Cartier or Tiffany?

[Giggling]

Do you like your mint julep?

I think your friend's
high-pitched giggle

tells us all we need to know.

Oh, God.

[Giggling continues]

What did you do?

What you brought me here
to do... mess with people.

Billy, why did you take the scissors?

Oh! Okay. I found them!

Tara! You tried to sabotage my event

because I didn't have a vegan option?

I didn't take your stupid scissors!

Then how the hell
did they get in your purse?

- I don't know! Ask her!
- Billy, tell them what you did.

Oh, come on! Don't be like that.

You're ruining my friend's event.

Katie, that's an overreaction.

I mean, you know,
people can still get in here.

The ribbon's only held up by tape.

That is not the point.

They have traditions here.

I want you to leave.

You are violating my personal space.

I need a -foot circle.

-foot circle!

[Chuckling] Oh, you got it now.

Oh, this is getting good.

- Slap her!
- [Women gasp]

That wasn't me!

That's it, Tara.

- Angela, hold my diamond.
- Oh, I will squash you!

I have taken many self-defense classes!

Billy's right.

I brought him here
to do just this... mix it up.

But I did want to be in that picture

with Suzanne and the other moms.

Huh.

Is it possible that I've...

[Indistinct shouting]

Okay, hold on!

Hold on!

Tara didn't steal the scissors!

Yeah.

My stupid friend Billy did.

[Crowd gasping]

Apologize.

What are you doing?

W-Why are you taking their side?

I mean... you're the one
who's always bagging on them.

Because I'm allowed to.

Because these are my friends.

And they're growing on me.

And I'm stuck living near this.

I knew it.

You have changed.

You've become one of them.

Yeah.

I guess I have.

This is my community.

And if I'm going to live here,
I want to be a part of it.

So yeah.

These are my people.

...ish.

Sorry, Champ.

Oliver, cut the ribbon.

Where'd the scissors go now?

- Boy: Run!
- [Children giggling]

♪

You got to respect that.

Taylor...

I really like the boyfriend.

Sweetheart...

that was some of the best
pony-leading I've ever seen.

Even though I let it go and it
ran through the parking lot?

Because you let it go and it
ran through the parking lot.

Oliver, because I'm in a generous mood,

you did get me
with the toothpaste doughnut.

I threw up in the bathroom
and had diarrhea for two days.

Well done.

I'm sorry that I'm not
the Katie you were expecting.

Gah.

It'll take some getting used to,

like when David Lee Roth left
and Sammy Hagar replaced him.

The band was the same... but different.

And, then again, maybe
this is not like that at all.

[Sighs]

[Clatter]

- Bye, Rick.
- It's Greg!

Congratulations
on winning the prank w*r.

Couldn't have done it without you.

I'm glad we brought some dignity
back to the Otto name.

Good job, son.

Good job, Dad.

[Chuckles]

- [Whoosh]
- Aaah!

Come on! Dad!

I'll get the giant scissors.

Hurry.