05x10 - You've Got a Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

That's a beautiful Talavera Spanish tile design, Mommy.

Oh, thank you, Evan.

And that is a beautiful reproduction of "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte." I wish people still wore top hats.

Oh, me too, Evan.

Me too.

Hi.

So, the birthday party you two were here for started at noon.

It's 7:00 p.m.

We're closing.

You need to leave.

- But we're not finished...

- We're closed.

- If you just...

- My cat needs to eat.

Well, I guess we'll come back and finish these mugs later at a time that works best for you.

Forgive her.

She doesn't understand that anything worth doing is worth taking the time to do right.

Yes, Evan.

See, this is why you are my star child.

You excel at everything you do.

Most importantly, at school.

What can I say?

School is my thing.

I ace everything they throw at me.

_
Uh...

...when is this assignment due?

Thank you again, so much, for inviting me over.

It is so nice to have some "me" time while Marvin takes the baby to his parents' house.

Parents?

How?

Actually, since I have a few more free "Honey days," does anyone want to go see a movie tomorrow?

Sorry.

I can't.

I only see one movie a year, and I save it for Denzel or Christmas.

'92 was tough.

"Malcolm X" and "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" came out.

I went with "Malcolm X" because I have been lost in New York, and it was horrifying.

I wish I could, but we're short-staffed at the restaurant.

Hector has shingles again, so I'm stuck working the grill all week.

Well, I'm free for a movie, Honey.

Me, too.

As long as I don't have to sit next to Evan.

He's always pointing out when female extras are not carrying purses.

I can't go anyway.

I have... homework.

You're acting weird.

Why?

Because he cares about his schoolwork?

Leave him alone.

I'm taking an interest in the boy!

Come on, Evan.

Just answer the question.

Sicily isn't gonna wait around forever.

Women have biological clocks to think of.

How's that "homework" going?

What?!

Nothing!

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to see what you've got there, young lover.

Why don't you, as Grandma says, "tend to your own knitting"?

Okay.

But whatever you do, don't tell Dad about that note.

He loves love so much, he'll try too hard to help and ruin everything.

Believe me.

I don't plan on telling Dad or Mom about this.

I'm a very private person.

I know.

I haven't seen your chest in years.

So, do you like her?

I don't know.

What does that even mean?

Do I think about her constantly?

Yes.

Have I named our kids?

Yes.

Does she smell like a rainstorm?

Of course.

But do I like her?

I don't know.

Don't be upset you got outvoted, Eddie.

You might like "You've Got Mail." Come on.

Who doesn't want to see "The Waterboy"?

Now, that's what I call high-quality H2O.

Mwah.

So, you know who would love this movie?

Your dad.

Yeah.

He's...

the biggest rom-com fan in town.

Totally.

It's too bad he couldn't come with us.

Mm.

Is it?

Oh, thank you.

I didn't know if you guys knew.

Dad is the worst with rom-come.

Every time he sees one, he quotes it to death until we all hate it.

Remember what happened when we saw "Jerry Maguire"?

Show me the Honey!

Show me the Honey!

Show me the Honey!

I'm right here!

I don't know what you want me to do!

Ugh.

I'm just glad we all agree.

Your dad would've totally ruined "You've Got Mail" for us.

Hey, guys.

Dad?

I thought you had to work.

Oh, a bunch of ladies escaped the women's prison, so the whole area's shut down for the night.

Are we seeing "You've Got Mail"?

Yes!

I'll go get my ticket.

You've got mail.

You've got mail.

You've got mail.

You've got mail.

- It's ruined.

- Yeah.

It's ruined.

Here are my graded tests for you to sign, Mommy.

Though you and I both know this is merely a formality.

Ah, yes.

My straight "A" student.

Tell me...

Are the other students jealous?

What do they say?

What do their faces say?

Mm, yes.

That's the same jealous face I get when I tell people my age.

Okay.

"A." Another "A." Another "A." Well, you failed this one.

What?!

How'd that get in there?

The correct answer is "no." Even "A" students make mistakes every now and then.

Good thing I caught this one.

I heard Meg Ryan didn't own a computer when she booked this role.

I got to say, it showed.

Uh-oh.

Dad stayed through the credits to honor the hard work of the crew and see if there are bloopers at the end.

- He must have loved it.

- Well, how could he not?

Joe Fox and his corporate Fox Books put local shop owner Kathleen Kelly out of business, and then they fall in love under cloak of the World Wide Web.

Mistaken identities, a golden retriever, New York in autumn...

It's everything he loves in a rom-com.

He's gonna quote this till I hate Tom Hanks.

Hey, there he is.

So, what did you think of the movie?

I hated it.

I see you, Dad.

So, what do you think is the strongest symbolism Harper Lee used in "To k*ll a Mockingbird"?

Wow.

There's so much.

But probably the Gothic details that contrast with the small town of Maycomb to foreshadow the presence of good and evil.

I hope there's more where that came from because I am listening.

In my own kitchen?

Sicily, is it?

Yes, it's nice to...

Go wait outside.

I'll call you a cab.

I need to speak with my son.

I told you you weren't allowed to date.

No, you didn't.

Well, then, I'm telling you now.

You're not allowed to date.

- But you don't even know Sicily.

- I don't need to.

You are not ready to date anyone.

You need to focus on your education.

Girls will only distract from that, and then you can kiss those A's goodbye.

But that's not fair.

Eddie and Emery were allowed to date when they were my age.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you wanted to be a rapper-tennis-player- flight-attendant.

And where are those girls now?

Riddle me that.

Well, I don't care what you say.

I'm gonna keep seeing her.

Then you leave me no choice.

You're grounded.

Sicily and I are in the same class...

and you can't ground me from school.

Can I just use your phone to call my dad?

Evan openly defied me, Corporal Bryson.

He's never done that before.

Clearly, he doesn't understand that dating is bad for him.

I get it.

I used to work the drug b*at, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that an addict won't quit his destructive behavior until he's hit rock bottom.

That, and no one with a couch on their front lawn is innocent.

PDA!

That's against school rules.

You have to do something about this.

Isn't that why you're here?

Actually, I'm here to investigate a peeping tom spying on the children.

From outside the middle school.

A woman.

Wearing culottes.

Fine.

I'll just do it myself.

Good luck finding your pervert.

Left.

Left.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Right.

Just throw it away.

I hate it.

Hey, Dad.

We're gonna see another movie while Honey still has some baby-free days.

Yeah.

That baby sucks.

I'm just kidding.

Oh, my God.

I feel terrible that I just said that.

I love Maria so much.

You want to come with us, Pops?

We have to hit all the movies we can before Y2K shuts us down and sends us back to the Dark Ages.

No thanks.

The smell of popcorn will only remind me how much I hated "You've Got Mail." What is it with you and that movie?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Come on, Dad.

- Okay, fine.

- Wow, that was super easy.

I hated "You've Got Mail" because...

...because I'm Fox Books.

A few months after I opened Cattleman's, I found out that I'd inadvertently put a local mom-and-pop rib shop out of business.

So, how'd you folks enjoy your first root'n toot'n meal at Cattleman's Ranch?

Oh, the best ribs I've had since my grandmother's wake in Dallas.

Plus, your prices are way better than Mom and Pop's.

Ooh.

What's Mom and Pop's?

Noooooo!

"You've Got Mail" brought all those memories flooding back to me.

I'm just like corporate monster Joe Fox, driving the beloved neighborhood proprietor out of business with my capitalist ways.

Mom and Pop were gone before I even had a chance to apologize.

Look what you two did with your stupid movie.

Mopey Dad is way worse than Rom-com Dad.

Arthouse Dad is the best because he laughs at all the serious parts.

Hey.

There's inappropriate touching happening on school grounds, and you need to stop it.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Did you see her face?

Could you describe it to a sketch artist?

I'm referring to my son Evan.

I saw him holding hands with a girl student on the playground.

I see.

Ms. Huang...

Mrs. I'm married.

Mrs. Huang, the children are allowed to hold hands.

They're middle schoolers.

It's perfectly innocent.

Oh, they're too young for that.

They need to be focused on their education.

I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.

Evan's grades certainly aren't suffering because of it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I witnessed a brutal fight in the cafeteria today, and I have to go give a statement.

She'd recently lost her mother, Joe.

Why couldn't you just let her sell her books?

Hey, Dad.

Eddie.

What are you doing here?

The restroom's only for customers.

That's not fair.

We have a surprise for you.

Come on.

Mom?

Pop?

You're still alive?

We're in our early 70s.

I know you're upset you never got to apologize, so we tracked them down for you.

We hope you're okay with it.

Okay with it?

We've lost so much time.

Okay.

What have you been up to the past five years?

Uh, traveling, volunteering, learning Español?

We've been living with our daughter in Winter Park.

After we lost the rib shack, we moved into her basement to save money.

Yeah.

There's a cumbersome pool table and the bathroom is two flights up, but we make it work.

The real problem is that husband of hers...

Rick.

He doesn't want us there, and he makes it known.

I don't like the way he speaks to Kimberly.

Well, you try talking to her about it, then.

Uh-oh.

Dad's about to make a poor decision based on his emotions.

Why don't you work here?

- Really?

- Yeah, why not?

I needed to hire a couple of part-time cooks anyway, and I'd love to have two Orlando restaurant legends working at Cattleman's.

That sounds fun.

All right!

I can't wait to get Mom and Pop back in the rib-cooking business.

My mouth is watering already.

My God, these are terrible.

Are they burnt or raw?

I'm trying to figure out what animal this is.

I like 'em.

I'm so glad you and me are in the same class so we can spend as much time together as possible.

Me too.

Except it's "you and I." Whoa.

I don't know what came over me.

It's okay.

You didn't mean to.

Ending a sentence in a preposition.

I love you.

Okay, students.

Great job on your "To k*ll a Mockingbird" essays.

Another stellar essay, Evan.

The way you contrasted the snowman Jem built with the fire at Miss Maudie's house was so thought-provoking.

Excellent.

A-minus?!

- Hi, Evan.

- You were right.

Sicily distracted me.

I dumped her.

If you need me, I'll be studying.

Ciao, Sicily.

This.

This is what I like to see.

What are you studying, Evan?

Pre-algebra.

I have a quiz on Friday, and I've already lost...

...78 minutes of study time to Sicily.

Oh, shh, shh, shh.

She's gone now.

Let's not even say her name.

I'm so pleased you've come to your senses about dating, Evan.

In fact, I've decided to reward you by un-grounding you.

No, thank you.

I'd like to serve out the remainder of my sentence to minimize distractions from my education.

A self-grounding.

He's come back even stronger than before.

What am I gonna do?

Like...

Like when you grow up?

Be a restaurant owner.

I'm confused.

No, Mom and Pop are terrible cooks.

I have to fire them, but I'd be putting them out of business all over again.

I'd be an even worse Joe Fox than Joe Fox.

Do you hear yourself?

Yeah, he's right.

Don't panic.

Everything worked out for Joe and Kathleen at the end of "You've Got Mail." We just have to do whatever Joe did to fix it.

Maybe you could offer them a contract writing children's books for your ex-girlfriend's publishing house.

What is happening?

You people and this movie.

Dad, you are not Joe Fox.

- I'm not?

- No.

Because Mom and Pop aren't Kathleen Kelly.

Okay.

What do you remember about the book store in "You've Got Mail"?

Um, it was warm, a lot of wood, Steve Zahn was there.

Kathleen Kelly's store was awesome, and Mom and Pop's ribs suck.

You said you liked them.

They were staring right at me.

Anyways, it was only a matter of time before they went under, whether you opened Cattleman's or not.

You didn't put them out of business.

You put them out of their misery.

You're right, Eddie.

I spent the past five years b*ating myself up for nothing.

It's not my fault Mom and Pop's rib shack went under.

If anything, I was doing them a favor.

Life isn't a rom-com, Dad.

Sometimes, old people just can't cook.

Wow.

Thank you, guys.

I feel so much better.

I'm gonna go tell Mom and Pop they're fired.

So, good news, bad news.

Good news...

Mom and Pop are gone.

Bad news...

they threatened to sue me for ageism unless I kept them on the payroll for another six months.

- Are you serious?

- Extremely.

So, if anyone needs any non-cooking-related errands run by two elders, let me know.

Do you think they could take me to Caleb's birthday party on Saturday?

I can ask.

You know, this was a nice reminder that I can't be responsible for everybody's lives.

I can't save every old couple living in their daughter's basement.

And, hey, since this isn't "You've Got Mail," I'm free to love that movie.

I love that movie.

Yay.

Whatever.

That movie was dumb.

Who says what they're typing out loud?

I got to tell you, Evan, I am so happy to have my star child back at fighting weight.

So, how's pre-algebra?

When you get to the "two trains leave a destination at the same time" question, it's a trick.

Nobody rides trains.

Can you pass the blue paint?

Evan.

Evan?

Sicily loved the color blue.

She said it reminded her of her grandparents' lake house in July.

The sky lit up with fireworks.

George Strait on the radio.

O... kay.

Are you going to finish your mug there?

I'm done.

Louis.

I have to tell you something.

Evan had his first girlfriend.

Evan had his first girlfriend?

No, don't be happy about that.

Evan's too young to date.

I don't know.

Is he?

He's not mature enough to handle the emotions that come from being in a relationship.

Evan's pretty mature.

Last week, he told me I was only making him eat vegetables because my father didn't hug me enough.

And you know what?

I think he was right.

Trust me.

You weren't there to see how heartbroken he was.

He was just staring at the wall.

And then he dipped his mug in black paint.

And he had spent so much time making sure that the parasols were to scale.

And, damn it, they were, and he was just so sad, and I just hated seeing him like that.

And Evan's just not ready to date!

It, um, kind of seems like maybe you're not ready for Evan to date.

Jessica, this week, I met a couple named Mom and Pop.

Those old people you drove out of town with your restaurant?

Yes and no.

Anyway, before they threatened to sue me...

- What?

- It's all taken care of.

The point is, it's no one's fault, but Mom and Pop's life has been a living hell, and they stayed together through it all.

Life's a lot easier to handle with a partner you love by your side.

I never would have gotten through moving to Orlando without you.

And I never would have gotten through that week Hector gave me shingles without you.

If you want Evan to be as good at relationships as he is at everything else, you need to let him practice.

I have to make this right.

If I have ice cream, do you think I have to brush my teeth again?

I'm excited to pick up our mugs from the kiln.

Yours should be...

moody.

Mm-hmm.

Evan, I want to apologize to you for being so strict about dating.

You have nothing to apologize for, Mommy.

You tried to warn me that dating would affect my grades, and you were right.

Well, that's the thing.

You didn't actually get an A-minus on your English essay.

You got an "A." I went into the school, and I changed the grade so you would think Sicily distracted you and break up with her.

Say that again now?

I went into your school and...

I heard you the first time!

How could you do that to me?

I loved her.

Oh, Evan, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea you would be so upset.

I think it's hard for me to accept that you're growing up.

You're my youngest, and I want to shield you from all the pain that comes from being an adult.

But there's a lot of joy that comes with it, too, and I never want to shield you from that.

It kind of seems like maybe you weren't ready for me to date.

You're so mature.

- Aren't you coming?

- No, I'm not.

I'll come get you in a couple hours.

Sicily is waiting for you.

Thank you, Mommy.

And...

I forgive you.

You do?

You're my mom, and you should know that no matter how old I get, I'll always be your little boy.

I'm watching you.

You've got whale.

Before steaming or sautéing, simply oil up your fingers...

You've got kale.

...olive oil, and massage away.

You've got Dale.

Help!

I've fallen, and I can't get up!

Oh.

You've got frail.

Mail's here.

Are you kidding me?

No.

Evan has it.