06x02 - College

[bunniefuu]

[Discordant music plays]

The plugs in your arms and head are gone.

Morpheus?

Your appearance now is what we call residual self image.

It's a mental projection of your digital self.

This isn't real?

What is real?

How do you define real?

Real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

This is the world that you know, the world as it was at the end of the th Century.

It exists now only as a neural interactive simulation that we call the Matrix.

You've been living in a dream world, Neo.

This is the world as it exists today.

♪ That's not what Y K's gonna be.

You don't know that.

No one knows what's going to happen.

Well, I'm not gonna lose my hair, that's for sure.

You think the world could end?

Yes.

The Millennium Bug is coming!

It's the bug of the century.

I caught a big bug with my bra today.

- More like a Double Dead.

- Ma!

Guys, this is the first day of maybe our last summer of our lives.

We've gotta do it all...

Ice cream trucks, sunburns, water slides, skinny dipping, ice cream trucks.

- Who's with me?

- JESSICA: I am.

Mom?

For the next three months while I'm busy studying for grad school, you will be by my side PSAT prepping.

Study buddies.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪ No!

♪ ♪

[Neck cracks]

[Beeping]

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

This sucks.

All my friends are going on cool vacations and I'm stuck studying.

Sounds like you're going on a ton of trips...

- on the Complain Train.

- [Sighs]

I don't need all this college prep.

Eddie, this is not just your future at stake but my reputation.

How am I gonna become a respected school principal if I can't even get my own son into a top college?

Whoa, top college?

I was thinking more like Tier , Tier .

I want less pressure, more fun.

Sit around and relax.

Rejuvenate from the stress of high school.

You get out every day at : .

I know, and my first class starts at : .

Eddie, what did you do to the tub?

Oh, that's Gia, my mega water balloon.

_ I'm leaving Gia in the tub until I bulk up enough to be able to throw her.

She big.

"She big," Louis.

No water balloons.

Real world is coming.

College.

You need to grow up.

You've been saying that since I was .

College.

I'm so jealous of you.

Best time of your life.

You know, I was a bit of a campus legend myself.

Please don't start.

They called me "The Buffalo."

Why'd they call you "The Buffalo"?

Because you couldn't find a hotter wingman.

Hey, what about Maryland?

Go to your old man...

And old woman's alma... mata?

Almamatta.

Alma mamata?

Alma...

Go to our college?

No.

Maryland did not make the list.

Do I get a say in any of this?

[Laughs]

Oh, Eddie, if only the PSATs were verbal, math, and comedy.

Don't you think this is a little much?

You don't want to burn Eddie out on college before he even gets in.

We have to stay on him or he strays.

He proves this over and over again.

If I recall, you weren't exactly the most focused student in college.

We do not talk about my college days, remember?

Especially not in front of our impressionable son who has been talking about going to school in "one of the Arizonas."

Just saying, you made some questionable choices and...

That was different!

It's way more competitive now.

My sister, Connie, started prepping Justin a year out, and he got into a crap school.

He's a freshman at UCLA.

That's a great school.

Ugh, you sound just like Connie.

I want better for Eddie, not just so I can rub it in Connie's face, but because I want him to have the best possible future, which I could also rub in Connie's face.

Well, it might help Eddie get more excited if he knew there was more to it than just academics.

It's about making connections, socializing, living on your own...

The whole experience.

Trust me, there is no experience like the feeling Eddie will get when he graduates Harvard and sees my glowing stare of approval.

♪ JULIUS: Whoa!

[Laughs]

Do I look cool now?

- Mr. Ice.

- [Laughs]

Yeah, just breeze on through.

Emery, join us.

We're watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Twins."

It's Danny DeVito's "Twins."

Perfect timing.

Easy on the eyes.

There's rumors of Arnold entering politics, so I've become a big fan.

How can you sit and watch TV with this Y K thing coming?

We're totally unprepared.

We need to start stocking up on supplies, rations, valuables we can use to trade with other survivors.

That's gonna require some cash.

Exactly.

We need to get summer jobs.

Mm.

Act responsible while everyone else gets crazy.

Or live it up.

We won't be around to face the consequences.

Y K!

[Can crunches]

[Can clatters]

[Sighs]

Something just clicked, and I fell on board with sunglasses.

I'm just jealous you actually got to go somewhere this summer.

Not somewhere, Eddie.

Ball State.

Damn.

You were on a college campus?

Fun!

Oh, yeah.

We piled into the Suburban, popped in some Reba, and Burger King'd our way straight to my sister's dorm.

Ah.

Eddie, that's it.

We'll take a family trip to college.

That'd be sick!

Until Mom makes me take PSATs the whole time.

I think you'll be surprised.

Once your mom's on campus, you may see a different side of her.

[Scoffs]

There's no chance we're even getting there.

Mom always says sleep is our vacation.

Trust me, I know her weak spot.

Connie.

I know my weak spot...

Toe massages.

♪ Family trip to California!

Oh, that's great.

Whose family?

Us.

Us family.

Dad's taking us to visit Justin at UCLA.

He's in summer classes.

We can't.

We just got new jobs.

Use your vacation and sick days.

They'll understand.

I'm a boss.

Dad just Y K'd our jobs.

Louis, we're saving for college, not wasting money to go visit one on the other side of the country.

My brother flies for Delta.

He'll get us free tickets.

We can stay with Justin...

No hotel.

And the best part?

If Eddie turns down UCLA for Harvard, you can rub it in Connie's face.

♪ Okay!

Pack your bags, boys.

- We're going to college!

- [Chuckles]

♪ Does your roommate have any diseases, Justin?

Ugh.

Never mind.

JUSTIN: I assumed when you called it would be just Eddie staying with me.

Well, that's why you're in college...

To learn things you didn't know.

Hey, how come there's no sock on the door?

Kidding.

[Laughs]

Amazing bookstore.

Oh, Marley, nice.

No woman, no cry...

mon.

[Chuckles]

Oh, sweet.

I had one of these.

Mine was red.

If it could talk, whoo.

Louis, calm down.

Where's Grandma and the boys?

She said she needed the campus ATM before they went sightseeing.

They're here, too?

Great.

Fill out the form and you'll get a credit card and a free T-shirt.

Grandma, we don't have jobs to pay these off, remember?

GRANDMA: So?

Y K.

She's right, Emery.

We tried to do the responsible thing, and it didn't matter.

Let's just live it up while we can.

Y K.

We're rich!

Y K!

Y K!

Y K!

Whoo!

Wow.

Your own fridge.

Cool.

LOUIS: We didn't have those in my day.

You just had to let stuff spoil.

Oh!

There she is.

It's all coming back.

Whoa.

What'd you just do?

Nothing.

[Scoffs]

Just trying to clean up this hellhole.

So, uh, J-bird, the Huangs are at college!

What's the plan?

I have a midterm today and I was gonna use the morning to study.

[Scoffs]

Please.

How hard can the tests be at Eddie's safety school?

UCLA?

I got a .

, good SAT, and a rare sit-down with the Dean of Admissions and I still got wait-listed.

It's not easy to get into.

♪ Oh.

Quick, hide the Sambuca.

It's the RA.

This is Kip, my roommate.

This is my family.

They're staying with us.

Doesn't matter to me.

My midterms just posted.

I flunked out.

AP classes, years of prep school, valedictorian...

just to be back in my dad's butcher shop, cutting ham for Mrs.

Josephs.

Wait a minute.

So UCLA isn't a school for dum-dums like you?

It's the Harvard of California.

♪ Okay, new itinerary...

Campus tour, three class lectures, and a meeting with the Dean of Admissions.

Jessica, I thought a meeting with the Dean was impossible to get.

I reached out to your RV salesman.

He put in a call.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Yeah.

Apparently he's some kind of a big deal around here.

Did he sell RVs in college?

It's industrious.

[Scoffs]

Dad, you said Mom would be different once we got here, but College Mom is even worse.

♪ I'm going, going ♪

♪ Back, back to Cali, Cali ♪

♪ I'm going, going ♪

So, do you want to get a picture with a "celebrity"?

Marilyn Monroe?

Rocky?

That guy with a spot-on Whoopi Goldberg?

I don't know, we've spent a lot.

Grandma, what's going on?

Me and Danny are going to take the limo and do some adult things.

Uh, Grandma, that's not Danny DeVito.

Show them, Danny.

Do the Batman.

- Wah-wah.

- [Laughs]

So, you're just gonna ditch us in the middle of Los Angeles?

Oh, Y K!

Every man for themselves.

Again, Penguin!

Wah-wah.

[Laughs]

Have fun.

Do you ever worry for Grandma's safety?

I worry for that guy's safety.

[Indistinct conversations]

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Uhp, looks like Jessica's "Bruin" up another question.

[Chuckles]

Because it's the UCLA Bruins.

Man, this girl is on a pun run like I've never seen.

It's effortless.

Can you tell us what the library hours are?

I can, but the librarians have asked me to keep it hush-hush.

Oh, you can't teach this.

A pimps and hoes party?

Yes and yes.

Ooh, sounds fun.

Eddie, pay attention.

You need to remember every detail about the school so you can impress the Dean of Admissions later.

Hey, uh, I know you mean well, but maybe you can ease up on Eddie.

Ease up?

I'm trying to get our son focused on college.

Well, you don't get a donkey to a cornfield by whipping him.

You show him the corn...

"Hey donkey, look at all this tasty corn!"

Donkeys don't eat corn.

Well, something does.

I think you mean a pig.

A pig'll eat anything.

I know about pigs.

The point is this is supposed to be fun for Eddie.

College is not supposed to be fun, okay?

Oh, is that so?

Um, excuse me, uh, Pun Master, have you ever had a student get in trouble for streaking in the cafeteria instead of studying for her econ final?

[Gasps]

Louis, don't do this.

Follow-up question.

You guys ever hear of a Messy Jessie?

Get ready for this, Eddie.

♪ ...leads to sh*ts, grit your teeth ♪

Drink.

♪ You run for cover so discreet, why don't they ♪

Drink.

Tough one, Sarah.

Man, I love Tuesdays.

What should we do with this kayak that I "borrowed"?

And another time, she got her hands on a huge tub of industrial glue...

Okay, Louis, that's enough.

And now her son knows that his mom was fun.

Pretty cool, right, Eddie?

Uh... Eddie?

Where'd he go?

♪ EMERY: After this, I wanna see a TV taping with a live studio audience.

- What?

I'm not doing that.

- Why not?

Because our time is finite, and I don't wanna waste it watching garbage with a bunch of zoo people.

I'm thinking of becoming an actor.

You and everyone else.

No, I wanna go to Muscle Beach, see where Arnold began his political career.

- What's the point of that?

- What's the point in anything?

Y K's coming.

Oh, poor baby.

Grandma got DeVito, so you want some Arnold.

Better actor than you'll ever be.

[Gasps]

Maybe you're right.

The world's ending.

Why care about anything?

Or anyone.

I'm out of here.

- What?

- Y K!

Y K!

If Eddie misses this meeting and winds up at a Tier school,

- it's all your fault.

- My fault?

You corrupted him with all my old escapades, which I never wanted him to hear.

He took it as free license to ditch us and run wild.

Exactly what I feared.

Or I inspired him to explore this campus and all it has to offer.

Hey, what's up?

And still show up right on time.

Eddie, I'm sorry you had to listen to those nonsense stories your dad told the tour group.

Stories?

What stories?

The ones about your mother?

Nah, I must've bailed before that.

And yet he still made it to his big meeting.

Because Eddie knows that college is important and he must take it seriously.

Yeah, I was thinking about that, and I don't wanna go to college.

College sucks.

♪ And this must be Eddie.

- "College sucks"?!

- Eddie!

Sorry.

Not just this one.

All colleges.

As Dean of Admissions, I am disappointed.

But as a man who thinks he may have left the oven on...

I'm thrilled.

Seems like a nice guy.

You had Kareem's recommendation.

His sky hook of approval!

All you had to do was come in and smile.

[Sniffs]

I can't smell anything.

I'm so angry, I've lost my ability to smell.

You guys should be thanking me.

Now you don't have to waste your money sending me somewhere I hate.

[Sniffs]

Nothing.

It's like all my powers have been drained to fuel my rage.

Where have you been?

That tour was so boring.

I had to find something else to do.

You went to that party.

That's how this all happened.

He went there, he got drunk, he lost his potential, and now he hates college.

No, I went and found Justin.

He's my age.

I figured he might show me how to have fun around here.

[Laughter, applause]

Another "Mr.

Show"?

Seriously?

We've been watching TV for hours.

Isn't there anything else you guys do?

We can all take a nap again.

[Groans]

I thought that's what you wanted.

Nice and easy, sit around.

Recharge from high school.

Yeah, it sounded good in theory, but that's all they do here.

Turns out I need a little more.

I haven't seen one thing here that doesn't suck.

I'm sorry.

College isn't for me.

It's lame.

[Sighs]

This is a disaster.

He went from Tier schools to no schools at all.

He's going backwards.

Well, it's now or never.

If you're not going to show our son how to have a good time here, then I will.

You?

What are you gonna do, throw a Frisbee with him on the quad?

You don't throw a Frisbee, you slang it.

Louis, who are we kidding?

I let you play it up in front of the kids, but we both know that in college, you were a dork.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why Eddie needs you.

He is you.

No, Evan's me.

Responsible, focused, able to pull off argyle.

Argyle!

Evan is you now.

Eddie is who you used to be.

I could handle myself.

I knew where to draw the line.

- Eddie's not me.

- No, he's not.

He's way better off because you raised him.

Mistakes, regret, loss, this is the place to start to learn about that stuff.

And it'll only help our kids to know that we went through it, too.

And we survived and evolved.

Same way he will.

♪ Look, Jessica, someone needs to show Eddie that college can be challenging and soul-searching and fun.

And that person is you.

The old you.

[Sighs]

Messy Jessie.

What do you say, gunslinger?

...probably a huge tadpole by now.

MAN: Nice, right?

Wah-wah.

[Sighs]

♪

- ♪ Got the wind in my hair ♪

- Arnold got his start here.

What are your political aspirations?

[Grunting]

Which exercise best preps a young candidate for the campaign trail?

[Grunts]

How do you square the Electoral College with " Person, Vote"?

[Grunts loudly]

♪ Since I was just a girl ♪

♪ I've traveled near and far ♪

MAN: Alright, I know you heard this scene times or so.

But they're gonna run it once more, so they need you to act like this is the first time you're hearing these jokes!

All right?

Energy up.

[Sighs]

Oh, this is nothing.

When Kelsey Grammer's having a day, look out.

You sure you can eat ramen dry?

You can eat anything dry if you chew enough.

Eddie, I have to tell you something.

I am Messy Jessie.

Who?

When I was in college, I didn't take it seriously.

I used to be a madwoman.

- I don't believe this.

- What?

That you could fill a water balloon with shaving cream instead of water so you could actually lift it?

No, I mean, yes, that is also pretty mind-blowing, but I'm talking about how you were wild in college.

Occasionally, I would let my hair down.

Until I shaved it all off on a dare.

How come you never told me all this?

Because there are some qualities you see in your kids that you know they got from you, and you are not proud.

So...

you're ashamed I like to have fun?

No, it's not that.

It's just that maybe if I had been more focused the first time around, I wouldn't be back in school now trying to do it all over again.

I don't want you to have to do that.

Really?

Because it seems to me that the way you did it is way more interesting.

You lived it up, you had a family, multiple careers, still pushing yourself...

Okay, you're right, I don't regret it.

I just don't want to encourage you to behave the way I did.

I know, I'm a hypocrite.

No, cocky.

You think you're the only person who could handle anything?

Yes.

Because I am battle-tested.

Not as much as me.

You could never handle what I went through... you.

Me versus me.

That is interesting.

Who would win?

- Me.

- [Scoffs]

You're crazy.

[Laughs]

You call it like you see it.

That is another quality I am proud you get from me.

Well, I am glad that Messy Jessie could help.

Now, are you gonna tell me what we're gonna do with this cream balloon?

Yes.

As long as you promise to only do it at Harvard.

I don't know about Harvard, but maybe college isn't as lame as I thought.

Okay.

Stanford.

Ready?

EVAN: Hey, look!

It's our little movie star!

You make it big?

No.

Hollywood sucks.

Yeah, turns out a beachside gym isn't the political think t*nk you would expect.

And look at this.

Completely pumped out.

I won't be able to do bis and tris till next week!

I thought being rich and not caring about anything would be amazing.

Garfield makes it look so easy.

Garfield's not rich.

He's cat-rich.

It's different.

It was all too much.

The excess, ignoring consequences, never saying no.

It's unsustainable.

You can't live life that way.

No one can.

Not even me.

Not even Danny DeVito.

Grandma, that wasn't Danny DeVito.

Emery, they could've kissed.

Let her have it.

♪ Yeah ♪

You know, even if Y K's coming, I'd rather spend my last few days with you two, just like we always do...

On the couch, busting each other's yams.

- [Chuckles]

- [Chuckles]

Hey, if the world doesn't end, how are we gonna pay off our credit cards?

I faked my death before.

I can do it again.

Hmm.

[Chuckles]

♪ Look out below!

Nooooooo!

[Both laugh]

Messy Jessie!

She big, and she back!

If you were this crazy in college, I can't imagine what "The Buffalo" was like.

Nope.

Sorry.

That's R-rated.

Louis, I thought you said good parenting was sharing our past, not hiding it.

Oh, I say a lot of things to get out of the doghouse.

Your dad was a club guy.

He joined them all.

[Chuckles]

I am so excited.

Topiary Club!

Or should we call it Shrub Club?

♪ Look out, nerds!

Coming through!

Are you here for the club?

[Laughter]

Extracurriculars are the wings of a social butterfly.

Dad, you're making it worse.

Oh, yeah?

I had a ton of sex.

- No, you did not.

- I did, too.

With who?

The bush club?

The Shrub Club!

Okay.

That's enough sharing.

[Laughs]