05x09 - The Heist

[bunniefuu]

♪ I got my campaign posters back from the printer.

Tell me what you think.

"Greg Otto: Integrity."

- Babe, I love it!

- That's the same voice you use when the kids show you their art projects.

- Fine.

I don't like the slogan.

- What's wrong with "integrity"?

As someone without integrity, it feels like an att*ck.

Plus, it's boring.

The slogan needs to be catchy, like "Make Westport Greg Again!" How can I make Westport more Greg?

And the word "again" implies that the town was once Greg and now it's not.

You took the fun out of this real fast.

I'm sticking with integrity.

It's the perfect slogan because my opponents have none.

Principal Ablin's only in it for power, and Steve Hobert's a dirty politician who only pushes policies in exchange for favors.

That's the gig, Greg.

If you want to be a politician, you got to get your hands dirty.

Not gonna happen.

My hands will stay clean because I have...

You're a good person.

We get it.

Taylor, heads up...

I'm not doing laundry today.

So, if you need underwear, cut two holes in one of your dad's NPR totes.

Mom, you're so embarrassing.

I'm on with the Joshes.



- Hey, Mrs. Otto.

- Hi, Mrs. Otto.

Katie. My lady.

Hey, Josh.

Hi, Josh.

Hello.

Josh.

What are you doing still hanging out with these idiots?

Mom, they can hear you.

Sweetie, it's okay.

[Scoffs]

They know they're idiots.

Mrs. Otto, you should come with us to Blow A Gasket.

It's this cool rage-room

where you can pay to smash old electronics.

And we think it'd be healthy for you,

seeing how you're so filled with rage.

It's not rage.

It's hate.

Rage is fleeting.

Hate is forever.

- But, Katie...

- Mom, stop intimidating my friends!

The Joshes are a bad influence.

You're in college now.

You need to find higher-quality people.

You're right.

I am in college, which means you can't tell me who to hang out with anymore.

She just walked away from me.

Can you believe her?

Are you really using my totes for underwear?

Watch me undress tonight and you'll have your answer.

♪ Somebody named Jessica Van Hought was arrested for shoplifting a toothbrush.

How embarrassing.

Ooh, public shaming.

I love it.

This is why I moved to Westport.

And because of my job.

Actually, it was really only my job, but this is fun.

Jessica is loaded.

Why would she shoplift?

Mm.

For the thrill.

And that's why I steal the silverware here and throw it away when I get home.

Well, I have some actual big news.

I'm close to picking an egg donor!

I'm down to two candidates.

This is so exciting.

Both my donors are smart, healthy, and play musical instruments, so it's a tie.

I want my kid playing Britney Spears' "Toxic" on a baby grand by the time they're three.

Well, in my experience, musical talent is not genetic.

I mean, my kids can't sing, but I sure...

♪ Ca-a-a-a-an ♪

Well, next time, give me a heads up and I'm gonna come in with the harmony.

[Chuckles]

I'm going to the fertility clinic to see if they have any more information, and I want you guys to come with to help me decide.

I'm in.

We got to pick you out a good-looking baby so that I don't have to give vague compliments like, "Oh, what a darling outfit," or "Wow, just look at her."

I'm in, too.

If I could have had control over Grace's genetics, I would make sure she didn't get the "dip all my lipsticks in the toilet" gene.

I knew I could count on you guys.

This is the best squad ever.

Aww.

I wish Taylor had a group like this.

All of her friends went off to college, and now she is left with The Joshes.

- Uh, The Joshes?

- Mm-hmm.

They're great.

Josh has a lacrosse net in his yard.

He said I can use it at any time.

I mean, I haven't yet, but again, totally can at any time.

I need a fork.

♪ So, is everyone happy with the fan placement?

I went with an indirect wind as opposed to the fans on you guys.

It's an old trick Richard Branson taught me.

Do either of you need any help?

No, thanks.

Uh, I've got this business plan under control.

And nobody touches my code.

Okay, then.

- What can I do?

- Nothing.

Because you're useless.

- Defend my honor.

- That is not true.

Cooper brings tons of value to our start-up.

- Like what?

- Uh...

he can wear the crap out of a pair of Gucci driving loafers.

I really can.

Let me lay out some facts for you, all right?

Fact number one... when you had money, you could have been an investor.

But now that you have no money, you serve no purpose.

And fact number two... you've got toothpick legs.

It seems highly unlikely that a pair of driving loafers would look good on you.

Okay.

Feels like a natural stopping point for today.

Don't let Trevor get under your skin.

He's right about me, man.

Without my money, what am I good for?

- You're a talented guy.

- How?

You can raise your eyebrow really well in an inquisitive manner.

So my brow game is at a hundred.

Big whoop.

[Inhales deeply]

Toothpick legs.

[Metal music playing]

I'm sick of my mom judging my friends!

I keep forgetting my Hulu password!

There's an owl outside my window that keeps waking me up!

Nobody will go see Shawn Mendes with me!

♪ [Screaming]

[Chuckles]

Wow.

That was fun.

What do you guys want to do next?

I say we all go hot tubbing.

And then get hot chocolate.

That sounds great.

I don't know why my mom thinks you guys are such a bad influence on me.

Hot tub hopping is trespassing, but since it's her first offense, I'm letting her go with a warning.

Thank you so much, Officer.

We will take it from here.

What the hell is wrong with you, Taylor?!

It's just tub hopping, Mom.

Relax.

Relax?

Uh-oh.

You said a "no-no" word.

This is not about hot tub hopping.

This is about The Joshes always getting you into trouble.

Next time, do it right.

Pick a house where the people aren't home, throw a party, it gets out of control, call the cops on yourself.

That's how it's done.

Taylor, did the police officer take you to the station before he drove you home?

I got booked and everything, but I think he just did it to scare me.

Haberdashery!

Ooh, you're in big trouble.

Your father is talking old-timey.

If you got booked, that means your picture is definitely going to make it in the police blotter in the Westport Gazette.

I'm running for office.

How can I run on integrity when my daughter is a criminal?

The cop let me off with a warning.

I'm sure if we explain that to the newspaper dudes, they won't run the story.

I'll come with you.

That's actually a pretty good idea, and you volunteering to fix your mistake - shows a lot of integrity.

- Hey!

Integrity's a good thing.

Oh.

Okay.

- Mm.

- Hmm.

♪ Ooh, we have enough.

We can upgrade our house.

FRANKLIN: Oh.

Yes.

[Refrigerator door opens]

What are you doing, man?

What does it look like?

I'm eating my feelings.

I have no value, nothing to offer the world.

That's your opening, dude.

You're k*lling the vibe, man.

I'm on a date here.

It's hard to play when you're moping around.

So, cheer up.

Or shut up.

Give him a break.

He's trying to figure out his place in the world.

Is there anything you've always wanted to try, but haven't?

I feel like I have the soul of an artist, but I've never actually drawn anything.

Grab the crayons.

The nice ones.

They're in the safe in my closet.

- You know the code.

- .

Great.

Now we all know the code.

♪ All right, guys, let's see your portraits.

Here's mine.

What do you think?

[Chuckles nervously]

Wow.

Wow, Cooper.

Seriously, your drawing i-is amazing.

Love, hate, life, death.

It's all in there.

Hmm.

Let me see your drawings.

Holy crap.

Mine's terrible.

Franklin, let me see yours.

Normally, I'm more of a surrealist, but with the medium of crayon, impressionism called to me.

Oh, yeah?

Did a tragic fashion sense call you, too?

Sorry.

I'm lashing out 'cause I'm hurting.

It's actually quite lovely.

It's crap!

♪ So, I'm deciding between Donor and Donor , and I was wondering if you had any more information on them.

All the donor information can be accessed on the online portal.

I've read the files, and I need to know more.

You can tell a lot from looking into someone's eyes.

Like, your favorite Beyoncé album is...

Oh, my God.

It's "B'Day"!

Girl, you are a loose cannon.

I'm sorry, but we don't go that in-depth with the donors.

Well, is there any way we could contact them to see if they'd be willing to set up a meeting?

I can't give out any of that information.

Egg donation is anonymous.

Oh, I see.

Like how Alcoholics Anonymous says it's anonymous, but it's not really anonymous.

If someone sees a celebrity there, they're gonna tell.

Yeah, my uncle was in AA with someone whose name rhymes with Shmel Bibson.

Would a hundred dollar bill change your mind?

Tami, cough it up.

- I don't have any cash.

- J.D.?

- Uh, do you take Venmo?

- Get out.

- Okay.

- Oh.

I'll just tell you.

It was Mel Gibson.

Guys, I don't know if I can have a baby without meeting my egg donor in person.

What if she's someone who claps when a plane lands?

I can't live with that kind of genetic material.

Hey, I do that.

Why is that bad?

- We lived.

- Don't worry.

We can still meet your donors.

Before we left, I went to the bathroom and unlocked the window.

So we can sneak back in tonight and get the addresses of your donors.

What if we get caught?

I can't go to jail.

Come on.

Be cool.

Oh, okay.

I'm in.

I'm very susceptible to peer pressure.

Tami, if we get caught, they're never going to consider me viable for an egg donation.

Oh, that's true.

I'm back out.

But you just said if you don't meet them face-to-face, then you're not going to do it.

If we don't do this, no baby.

I really want a baby.

- I'm in.

- I'm back in, too.

Wow!

This is fun.

I'm all over the place.

Yeah, you are.

♪ I can't believe the publisher wouldn't retract the story.

I guess he has integrity.

You learned a new word today.

We get it.

Hey.

Aren't you that dude from Stewart and Kingston's who writes a quote on every check?

"Knowledge is power.

Knowledge shared is power multiplied." - Robert Boyce.

- Yeah, I need to get a photo of you to prove to the guys in the kitchen that you're not a -year-old woman.

[Camera shutter clicks]

- Why were you guys meeting with my dad?

- [Cellphone swishes]

Your dad is the publisher of the Westport Gazette?

Sure is.

In fact, the only reason he bought it was to keep me out of the arrest page.

As someone who always tips you %, would you mind asking your dad to keep her out of the police blotter?

I'm running for city council.

I can't afford a scandal right now.

It won't be the first time I've helped a politician keep his mistress out of the newspaper.

- She's my daughter.

- Ew!

He's my dad!

Oh.

You guys have your story straight.

Well done.

I'd be happy to help you, if you're willing to help me.

Once you're on the city council, I need you to rezone my ex's house so it's not in Westport.

- Why would you want that?

- To lower her property value.

That'll teach her to call me petty and vengeful.

I don't think a deal like that would be ethical.

All right, well, think about it.

And if you two ever broke up, trust me, you'd want to do the same thing to her.

She's my daughter.

And you're her daddy.

[Clicks tongue]

♪ What about construction worker?

Oh, no.

I promised my great-grandfather on his deathbed never to do manual labor.

I wasn't a pallbearer at his funeral for that very reason.

Fair enough.

What about... comedian?

I have been known to make some fairly keen observations about the world.

Maybe it's time I put it in joke form.

Yeah.

I love your observations.

Oh.

Which ones?

The... keen ones.

[Chuckling]

I love those, too.

- [Laughter]

- ...then the kangaroo said, "Because I'm a marsupial, for God's sake!"

[Laughter]

My boy can literally do anything.

- Thank you, guys.

That has been my time.

- [Applause]

Next up on the stage is an up-and-coming comedian.

Put your hands together for Cooper Bradford!

[Applause]

So, I was having some spa water the other day, and I was like, "Why do they call it spa water?"

You don't just drink it in the spa.

You drink it on your yacht, in your mansion.

They should call it everywhere water.

[Chuckles]

Guys, that's... that's funny.

Don't talk to us.

Just keep going.

What's a yacht owner's favorite rap song?

"I Like Big Boats and I Cannot Lie."

These jokes used to k*ll with my staff.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

Because you were their boss.

You paid them to laugh.

Oh.

Tough crowd.

Looks like I need some everywhere water.

Nothing?

That's called a callback, people.

C'mon!

♪ [Keyboard clacking]

I found a way to keep Taylor out of the police blotter, but I need your help.

Should I keep my integrity or should I make a backdoor deal?

- Greg, come on.

- Come on, what?

We both know what's happening here.

You, Mr. Integrity, are coming to me, Mrs. Not A Shred Of Integrity, so I can tell you to make the decision that you're too afraid to make.

That's exactly what's happening.

Help me justify my actions.

Even though you are benefiting politically by keeping Taylor out of the paper, you are protecting her from embarrassment.

Keep going.

And whenever you're trying to protect your family, you will always have integrity.

Wow.

That kind of makes sense.

Just like when the guy in the Mafia whacks someone who's looking at his wife wrong.

- What?

- Forget that part.

Make the deal.

♪ Okay, ladies.

Let's make this quick.

[Keyboard clacking]

- [Beep]

- Damn.

There's a password.

If this were one of my boys' computers, I could cr*ck it in a second.

I spent years hacking into their devices.

Boobs , HotBoobs, TigOleBitties.

I've seen a thousand episodes of "The Mentalist."

My grandmother and I both think Simon Baker's hot.

Oh, my God.

So hot.

I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna say he's hot, too, 'cause I don't want to get left out.

One thing I've learned is that people will often leave clues for you.

You just have to look for them.

This woman's really into reindeer.

Ugh.

She's one of those year-round Christmas people.

Hey, I'm one of those people.

Why is that bad?

Christmas is magical.

- Reindeer.

- [Beep]

- Reindeer .

- [Beep]

Try TigOleReindeer.

- Christmas.

- [Beep]

Christmas .

- [Chime]

- Boom!

- Damn, you're good!

- Thank you.

- [Police siren chirping]

- [Gasps]

Oh, crap!

The cops are here!

We must have tripped the silent alarm

- when we opened the door.

- What are we going to do?

Flush the evidence!

Sorry.

Old habits.

[Police radio chatter]

I don't want to go to jail.

Or maybe I do.

It would give me some time away from Grace.

She's k*lling me.

Okay, I'm ready for jail.

You think a five-star hotel is going to rehire a felon?

At best, I'll be managing a four-star hotel, where the guests can get cereal in the lobby.

Guys, you two climb out the window and I'll take the heat.

Martha Stewart went to jail and now she's got a cooking show with Snoop Dogg.

I honestly want this.

Follow me.

Okay.

You can let go.

On one.

[Screams]

[Thud]

You good?

Yeah.

The alleyway is clear.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Katie, this is all on you.

I know.

I'm such an idiot.

- I'm really sorry.

- What are you talking about?

This is the most fun I've had since I've been in Westport.

Yeah.

I'd much rather be here getting in trouble with you guys than at home eating a whole bag of potato chips one small bowl at a time.

C'mon.

Give it a try.

Oh, Tami, you beautiful, stupid woman.

♪ Dude, don't give up.

There's more to you than just money.

No.

There isn't.

I was bred to be rich.

I'm a show pony.

You can't put a plow on the back of a show pony.

It'd look ridiculous.

I know you have tons of qualities that money can't buy.

- Like what?

- When I was the new kid, you became friends with me, even though I wasn't wealthy.

And in a town like Westport, that took character.

I am good on the inside.

Now do my outside.

Your outfit is fire right now.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, food's ready.

Whoa.

[Crunching]

This is amazing.

What did you put in these?

Nothing special.

Just four kinds of cheese, caramelized onions, and a thyme-sage butter I made.

Oh, my God.

Cooper, this is honestly the best grilled cheese I've ever had.

- Okay, guys, you don't have to lie.

- We're not lying.

This grilled cheese tastes like the last days of summer, when the sunshine is endless and the lake water is as warm as the air.

Deep down, you know life can't be this beautiful forever, but that's why you go ahead and take another bite.

[Crunches]

Thank you.

And you wonder why I love him.

- Who taught you to cook like this?

- No one.

I did spend a lot of time watching my family's personal chef.

I must've learned from watching.

Well, I'm impressed.

The texture of your grilled cheese?

Exquisite.

[Exhales sharply]

The plating?

Inspired.

Judges?

You may unpack your knifes and stay.

So, wait...

I'm a chef?

[Exhales sharply]

I'm a chef.

[Chuckles]

You are going to wear the crap out of those black-and-white checkered pants.

Yeah, I am.

♪ These are pretty.

Who sent them?

Oh, it's an apology from The Joshes for getting me busted.

I hate to admit it, but you were right.

It's time for me to get some more mature friends.

Hmm.

"Sorry, Bruh. The Joshes." Touching.

Actually, Taylor, I think you should stay friends with The Joshes.

I was wrong about them.

So, you don't think they're idiots anymore?

Oh, no.

They're definitely idiots.

But my friendship with J.D. and Tami has taught me that sometimes, idiot friends are the best kind of friends.

They spice it up and they make life not boring.

But Tami and J.D. aren't idiots.

No, they're friends with me.

- I'm the idiot.

- [Chuckles]

- [Door opens, closes]

- Walker kept his word.

Taylor isn't in the police blotter.

That is true, but did you check the second page?

No.

Why?

What the hell is this?!

You were arrested breaking into a fertility clinic last night?!

Sounds like you know exactly what the hell it is.

I made a deal with the devil to keep my daughter out of the paper only to find my wife in there?

If it makes you feel any better, there won't be any charges filed.

Or I assume.

I'm kind of treating it like my parking tickets.

I've been a politician for a week, and I'm already doing crooked deals, and I have a family scandal.

We're like the Kennedys, without the money or jawline.

Who are they?

♪ What is everyone staring at?

You.

Your arrest is all that anyone is talking about right now.

Rumors are flying.

People think you were trying to steal information so you could sell your eggs on the black market.

People have met my children.

No one is buying my eggs.

I'm sorry you got in trouble for nothing.

- It wasn't for nothing.

- What do you mean?

Before the cops came in, I logged back in to the nurse's computer and got the addresses of your egg donors.

Katie, you're the best.

That's what idiot friends are for.

[Clears throat]

They're also good for giving you free muffins.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm a part of this whether you want me or not.

Ooh!

Hamilton Rogers was cited for using a gas-powered leaf blower.

This police blotter never disappoints.

Courtney Wellington stole American Girl Dolls out of a kids' donation box?

It's horrible, but, like, so horrible I kind of love it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

[Gasps]

Jessica Varnacky stabbed her husband!

Oh.

I thought that was gonna be, like, a funny one.

- Mnh-mnh.

- Anonymous vandal spray paints "It Sucks" under "Welcome to Westport" sign.

- [Laughs]

- Anonymous vandal?

[Scoffs]

My dad doesn't give me credit for anything!

Maybe he's trying to protect you?

No.

He's just not supportive of my art!

[Silverware clatters]

Damn it!