09x07 - Preschool Confidential

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hon.

What's up?

Are you being polite but hoping I don't answer because the game is on or do you really want to know?

Well, it's halftime, so it's kind of a little bit of both.

Well, I'm really frustrated.

Our high school funding bill is a no-brainer, but I am hitting nothing but roadblocks.

Roadblock, roadblock...

Well, may I suggest vlog 309.

It's a light, airy take on the inefficiency of government.

- Okay.

- Oh, a little more robust, flavorful, but a perkiness to it...

All right, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

(chuckles)

You are actually making me want wine.

- Mm.

- So, go, you go watch your game.

All right.

Sounds like you need a little bucking up.

♪ Yo, you're V.

Baxter, the taskmaster ♪

♪ Education czar to Assemblywoman Osgood ♪

♪ Passing bills, writing legislation ♪

♪ Changing the world.

♪ (Vanessa laughs)

You are very sweet, Jen, but it... really, it's more like, uh, uh...

♪ Having ideas ♪

♪ Watering them down... ♪
(sighs)

Losing faith.

I'm...

We have great news.

- Sarah got into Radford Academy.

- (laughs)

-(gasps)

-KRISTIN: Can you believe that, Mom?

Radford.

That's so cool.

That is good news.

- I'm gonna go tell Dad while it's still halftime.

- Okay.

Congratulations.

Go, Sarah!

Yeah!

Mom, you have to fix this.

Fix what?

Evelyn didn't get in.

She's only on the wait list.

- Oh...

- You have to help me.

Honey, but I...

What can I do?

I...

Do you know Anne Fairbanks?

She's the principal.

Oh, Annie, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She and I used to teach together.

They would call us Annie and Vannie, the double whammy.

(both laugh)

- No way.

- It is possible everybody was having a little fun at your expense.

Which...

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

So you are on an Annie basis - with Principal Fairbanks?

- Well, uh...

Mom, please, help me.

Actually, no, no.

Help your sweet, loving granddaughter.

♪ So get off your fanny and go call Annie. ♪

♪ Oh, I don't know if I can call Annie.

Just...

I hate asking for favors.

It's so, ugh, sweaty.

Well, Mom, please, you-you have to.

Radford is amazing.

They actually learn things.

They-they teach them French.

Sure, why teach them Mandarin?

We only rule the world.

Look, honey, I'll try, but it's just...

It's just not my strong suit.

I-I even have a hard time asking for a better table at Angelina's, and I play tennis with Angelina.

Well, I believe in you.

Yes.

Grease those wheels.

Shake that tree.

Pull some strings.

Americans have so many different ways of saying "cheat." And I want my daughter to learn how to say it in French.

(chuckles)

MIKE: Hey, Reverend.

- Great sermon today.

- Ah, thanks.

But I can't take all the glory.

- Some of it's God.

- Mm.

Yeah.

You know what I particularly liked, was when you said, "God created everything in his own image except... the Las Vegas Raiders." Ha, ha.

For the last time, Mike, I did not steal your line.

Eh, I said it, you heard it, you repeat it, I get no credit.

I tell you what.

I'll mention you next week.

- I'm doing a talk on pettiness.

- Great.

Oh, hey, Mr. B.

- Hey.

- Uh, I fixed the sign, Reverend.

And again, I'm sorry for the mistake.

Well, no problem, Kyle.

Only a few people noticed it said "Jesus Shaves." MIKE: Good, though.

Hey, anyway, listen, uh, I guess we're good for hunting next Saturday.

God a text from Ed right during the sermon.

Woke me right up.

sh**t, I forgot I was gonna ask if you could paint the community room Saturday.

- He's going hunting with me.

- Oh, no, uh, sorry, Mr. B.

I-If I don't paint it, it won't get done, and needs to get done.

- Thank you, Kyle.

- Yeah, no problem.

All right, I'll see you later, Mr. B.

What?

First you steal my jokes, then you steal whatever Kyle is to me.

Have you ever heard of the Ten Commandments?

VANESSA: Oh.

It has been too long, Annie.

(chuckles)

I mean, don't think we've spoken since...

uh, since you started at Radford.

Uh, congratulations.

Oh, please.

Look at you!

You're working for Assembly Member Osgood.

It must be such a rush being so close to all that power.

Oh, yes.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

In the state's pecking order, if 563 people drop dead, I'm governor.

(laughs)

(laughs)

Oh, no.

I-I mean, I don't...

I don't want them to die, of course.

And-and... and I know it sounds like I've researched this, but-but... but really, I just...

I made up that number.

I...

I don't want them to die, either, but you would make a great governor.

Oh.

That's sweet.

Um...

(clears throat)

Uh, look, I-I...

I'm-I'm a little nervous.

I'm-I'm not really good at calling people and asking for, you know, uh, favors.

Vannie, it's me.

How can I help?

Uh, well, um...

(clears throat)

Well, you probably know this, uh, or maybe you don't know this already, but my-my granddaughter Evelyn Vogelson is on the waitlist for Radford.

I didn't know she was your granddaughter.

I knew that Sarah Anderson was.

Mandy's always posting pictures of her on your page.

- Mm.

- She's adorable.

Well, no.

She can be a little much.

Oh, Sarah.

No, Sarah.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

(laughs)

Adorable.

Yes.

As soon as I saw her name, I moved the application to the top of the stack.

Gosh, now I feel terrible.

I-I was actually calling to ask for your help with Evelyn's application.

Oh, consider her in.

No proble.

I mean, how can I ever repay you?

Seriously, anything you need.

(laughing): Don't worry about it.

Radford Academy is happy to accommodate anyone from the assembly member's office.

(laughs)

No.

No.

No, no, no, no.

I-I wasn't calling you in any, um, official capacity.

I was just, you know, loving grandma to-to old friend.

Mm-hmm.

Of course.

I hear you.

This conversation never happened.

Uh, no.

No, no.

No, it happened.

It's happening.

Please just stop winking.

D..

I completely understand.

And it's not like we expect the assembly member to approve- oh, I don't know...

A parking lot variance that we've been having trouble with.

- What now?!

- (Laughing)

Anything for an old friend, right?

Got to run.

I need to send Evelyn's parents our acceptance packet.

- Bye-bye, Vannie.

- No!

Wait!

Wait.

No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait!

Annie, no!

Oh.

(sputters)

Morning, Vanessa.

How did you sleep?

Well, I must have been restless, because my smart watch logged three miles.

(Vanessa sighs)

(Jen clears throat)

Uh, how did you sleep, Jen?

Oh, me?

I tossed and turned all night thinking about how the dirty gears of government get used to crank through personal agendas.

If you are talking about that phone call, I...

look, I thought about it all night long, and I didn't do anything wrong.

It was all Annie.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Hey.

- Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Well, uh, I brought you this.

- Ooh, thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

You know it's only 9:00.

(laughs)

I mean...

No, it's early for me.

Well, now that I've been a mom for a while, I get the drinking.

(laughter)

Well, I just wanted to thank you for getting Evelyn into Radford.

She's gonna be a Pelican!

Congratulations on pulling strings.

Didn't Lori Loughlin do time in the clink for that?

(guttural hiss)

I-I'm just happy everything worked out.

I know.

Well, now Sarah and Evelyn get to be at the same school.

It's so great!

I know, and it's all thanks to you, Mom.

Mm, well, I didn't really do anything.

But I'm keeping the wine.

Well, I better get going.

I've only got three months to convince Evelyn that we don't bite our friends.

Bye.

- Best news ever.

Yay!

- (door closes)

No yay.

Worst news ever.

What's wrong?

Mom, Sarah got in on her own.

And then you had to go twist somebody's arm and get Evelyn in, too.

And now it makes Sarah getting in less special.

No.

Honey, Sarah may have gotten special treatment, also.

Uh, I don't think so, okay?

Sarah got in because of her talents.

We sent a horsey she drew with her application.

All right.

Mandy, I'm sorry.

Look, Annie knew she was my granddaughter.

She did it for me.

You sure, Mom?

Or could this be like when you think that people are complimenting your dancing?

- Hey!

- Ooh.

Vanessa, some flowers came for you.

- Oh.

- From Anne Fairbanks.

It doesn't mean anything.

You know, in the old days, people would send each other flowers after every phone call.

"So happy to have your granddaughters at our school." It's nice.

And-and totally aboveboard.

"Say hi to Theresa Osgood for me." Semicolon, parentheses, semicolon, parentheses.

What does that last part mean?

It's an emoji.

It means, "Wink, wink." - What do you mean, Kyle's not hunting with us?

- Yeah.

Without him, it's just two old guys sitting around a fire... bitching about things.

I like having Kyle with us.

He runs after stuff we k*ll.

- He's faster than the dog.

- Yes.

Yes.

- He spruces up the cabin.

- Yeah.

And that chili of his.

(laughing): Oh, it's a...

- It's like hunting with Martha Stewart.

- Yeah.

That woman can make a cake rise at 10,000 feet.

- Ah.

- Well, look at that.

If it isn't Reverend Paul's new little paint buddy.

Yeah.

Did he really call me that?

Come on, son.

Come on.

You got to come hunting with us.

Come on now.

Well, you know I can't say "no" to you, Mr. Alzate.

Good.

There you go.

But no.

Come on, Kyle.

You're a grown man.

You don't have to listen to somebody just because he's wearing a robe and a fancy silk sash like he's Prince.

ED: Come on, now, be a little selfish...

It's underrated.

(phone chimes)

Oh, yeah.

It's Reverend Paul.

He's asking me to, uh, put some hymnals into storage after work.

- Perfect time to put your foot down.

- Yep.

Okay.

Okay, I'll, uh, I'll tell him to wait.

-ED: Good.

-For a few minutes, 'cause I'm gonna stop on the way and get him a smoothie.

He loves raspberry-mango.

- ED: Hmm.

- MIKE: Yeah.

Martha Stewart can make a smoothie out of acorns and lake water.

♪ Mm.

Good you're here.

I was just about to call Annie back.

Shouldn't you get a burner phone?

(video call ringing)

No, there is not going to be any dealmaking.

I am going to do the ethical thing.

(line chimes)

Oh, hey.

Hi, Annie.

Vannie!

I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon.

Well, I hope I'm not Anne-oying you.

(laughing)

Still making those delightful puns.

Is there something else that I can do for you?

Mm.

Well, actually, I just need to clarify our last conversation.

I don't want my granddaughters' acceptance to your school to be a "quid pro quo" thing.

No, of course not.

VANESSA: Uh, no...

Now, uh, now, I'm serious.

I'm...

I-I was calling you as a friend, not as an employee of an elected official.

I get it.

Perhaps we can discuss it next time you visit.

There will be plenty of parkin.

- (chuckling)

- No.

Stop.

Stop.

Please.

Just stop winking.

Look, uh...

the thing is, with my granddaughters there, I'm gonna have to be even stricter on Radford.

What do you mean?

Well, I-I can't help you with the parking lot.

I don't trade favors.

I-I don't even want the appearance of misconduct.

You understand.

Of course.

I understand.

Thank you.

You know, to really avoid the "appearance of misconduct," maybe Sarah and Evelyn shouldn't be Pelicans at all.

Wait.

No.

Annie.

-Annie.

-It's Anne!

Have a good day, Vanessa.

What the hell!?

Heading up to bed.

Come on up.

What's the point?

I won't sleep, anyway.

Well, you don't have to go to sleep right away.

Way to read the room, Mike.

(sighs): You know, I try to help the girls, but they just end up upset with me.

I mean, look at this.

Kris is furious.

Mandy is, too.

Mandy's not upset.

Look at that.

She sent you that cute little emoji...

Soft serve ice cream with a big smile.

Or somebody that needs probiotics.

- (groans): I hate politics.

- Of course you do, 'cause you're a kind, loving woman with morals.

- And I love that about you.

- (wry chuckle)

Well, I try.

Well, stop.

(chuckles): What?

What, are you telling me to just quit?

I'm not telling you anything.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

Why did you get into politics in the first place?

Well, you know.

I mean, to-to do good things, for the schools, for the students, blah, blah, blah.

But without compromising my integrity.

Ah.

So you thought you'd be the one to rise above it all.

Well, why can't I?

You know what?

I-I'm just, I'm so sick of this.

'Cause nothing can get done without scratching somebody's back.

Because that's the game.

That's not a game to me, Mike.

It's-it's people's lives.

It's, uh, it's an arts program for inner-city kids.

It's a gym for basketball.

All right, well, technically a game, but...

You know what I mean.

All right, can't change the game.

What you can do, change your approach.

What are telling me, to embrace the evil?

Well, I don't think compromise is evil.

It's ugly and frustrating, but very often it's the only way to get what you want done.

Why can't it just get done because it's right?

"Right" from whose point of view?

I think what... what we have to do is stop thinking that what they want is evil.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Vlog 167.

Mm.

Really, like a fine wine, that one gets better with age, you know?

♪ - Hey, Mike.

Come on in.

- Hey, Reverend.

Would you care for a smoothie?

I can send Kyle.

This one's got boba.

That's kind of what I want to talk about.

Um, we've known each other for years, right?

Right.

I mean, I don't see you every Sunday, like I should.

Yeah, and I don't steal your jokes like I should.

(chuckles)

But we can be direct with each other.

If you've got something on your mind, Mike, just go ahead and say it.

- Yeah, all right.

- Hang on.

Just in case you swear.

- You know how you are.

- Yeah.

Look, I think you're taking advantage of Kyle.

Really?

In what way?

Come on, you got him doing errands, running stuff for the church, painting rooms, and going to get...

boba, whatever that is.

Okay, one, I don't make him do anything.

And two, how do you not know what boba is?

I'm sorry, Mike, Kyle is on his way to becoming a minister.

- Right, yeah.

- And he does these things out of duty.

(snickers)

(laughing): When I was a kid, we always said, "Do your doody." And that's exactly why I turned Jesus around.

I think it's important for Kyle to have some fun, you know, lighten up a little bit, and there's nothing more fun than spending time in a cold duck blind with two angry old men.

- Hey, Reverend.

- Hey.

Uh-oh.

Why is Jesus turned around?

Oh.

Hey, Mr. B.

Mike and I were just talking about you.

Yeah, I was saying how, you know, you work hard, and it might be a good idea to go hunting so you could cut back a little bit, enjoy yourself.

And I was reminding Mike that you do these things for the church because of your higher calling.

I have a confession.

Okay, wrong church, but go ahead.

I don't paint the community room or move hymnals for your approval.

And I don't go hunting with you so that I can make the fire and cook chili for you and Mr. Alzate.

Well, why do you do it?

For me.

Huh.

When I do things for other people, it makes me feel like a better person.

Like I'm doing something to help the world.

Like Jesus will be proud of me.

Does that make me selfish?

I don't think so.

No, son, it doesn't.

Of course you guys would say that.

All you do is think about other people.

Just like you're doing with me right now.

Man, I wish I could be more like you guys.

I really don't think I want him to become like us.

No, and I certainly don't want him to become like you.

Which is why I'll probably cancel that trip on Saturday and help him paint that room.

Well, I think that's a splendid idea, Mike.

I do, too.

So what time do you want to start on Saturday?

It's up to you.

I won't be here.

I'm golfing Saturday.

- Hi.

We rushed right over.

- Mm!

Your text said you had good news.

So...

fire away!

You girls are gonna love this.

Okay.

I got the votes to pass my high school arts bill.

Wow!

(laughs)

Second best news ever.

- Now tell us the best.

- I...

I was just so anxious about swapping political favors.

I mean, I didn't want to be the Spiro Agnew of Colorado.

I'm sure.

Who would?

"Spiro Agnew" is a spell in Harry Potter.

But then I realized, a little compromise is worthwhile as long as you can achieve something meaningful.

I mean, this bill, it's...

it's gonna change kids' lives.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Meaningful for the kids.

Yeah.

Other people's kids.

We were wondering about ours.

I don't even know other people's kids.

It's practically illegal to look at them.

Did Evelyn and Sarah get back into Radford or not?

Oh, no.

That ship sailed long ago.

Especially since I blocked the variance for Radford to build their parking lot.

Wait, what?

Why would you do that?

Well, I mean, I had to do it, because they weren't zoned for a lot that size, and I wanted to because...

screw Annie!

- What about us?

- Yeah.

Well, what-what about you?

Oh, oh, all right, so...

I guess the girls won't learn French before they're four.

Man, I just, I think they'll be fine.

You know, as long as they don't have business in Paris.

Mom, uh, that's not the point.

We-we just, we wanted to give them an advantage.

Oh.

Well, because there's no advantage to coming from an intact family with loving parents who are doing quite well?

Well, I did think there'd be more.

I don't know, I-I guess Kyle and I could just teach Sarah French ourselves.

Even though our...

our French is...

(French accent): how you say?

Pepé Le Pew.

You know, Mom...

you're a really great politician.

Even if you suck a little as Grandma.

(chuckles): I'm kidding!

I'm kidding!

Well, thanks.

I, uh, I knew you guys would understand.

Man, wouldn't it be great if you could just cast a Spiro Agnew and solve all our problems?

- I will try.

- (laughs)