01x06 - All-New Halloween Spooktacular!

[bunniefuu]

WANDA: Previously on WandaVision...

You made no effort to conceal your abilities.

-Well, I'm tired of hiding, Vis.

-What aren't you telling me?

You have to stop her.

Just make her stop!

You can't control me the way you do them.

Can't I?

DARCY: She has the world's only vibranium synthezoid playing Father-Knows-Best-In-Suburbia.

What happens when he learns the truth?

You've taken an entire town hostage.

Well, I'm not the one with the g*ns, Director.

-(g*ns COCKING)

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I had a brother.

His name was Pietro.

GERALDINE: He was k*lled by Ultron.

Long lost bro get to squeeze his stinkin' sister to death or what?

She recast Pietro?

(OPENING THEME SONG PLAYING)

Wanda Wanda Vision Don't try to fight the chaos Don't question what you've done The game can try to play us Don't let it stop the fun Some days it's all confusion Easy come and easy go But if it's all illusion
Sit back, enjoy the show Let's keep it going Let's keep it going Through each distorted day Let's keep it going Though there may be no way of knowing Who's coming by to play Halloween's a magical holiday.

All about family, friends, and the thrill of getting to be someone else for a day.

Wrong!

Halloween's about candy.

And scaring people, but mostly candy.

Where's your costume, Tommy?

This is my costume.

I'm the cool twin.

-What does that make me?

-Hmm...

(GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Whoa!

-(LAUGHS)

A dorksaurus rex.

-Not a real dinosaur.

-(CHUCKLES)

(SNORING)

Man He even snores cool.

-I'm gonna go wake him up.

-(WHISPERS)

Don't!

You scared?

He's our uncle.

Why would I be scared?

'Cause it's four o'clock in the afternoon.

You're secretly afraid he's a vampire.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

-Blood is thicker than water!

I show you!

-(BILLY AND TOMMY SCREAMING)

-(ROARING)

-(SCREAMING)

Oh!

Somebody better be bleeding, broken, or on fire.

-Whoa, Mom.

Are you old Red Riding Hood?

-(PIETRO SNORTS)

I'm a Sokovian fortune teller.

Wow.

That is so...

-(CHUCKLING)

Rad.

-...lame.

"Lame." Worse than the costumes mom made us the year we got typhus.

(BOTH SPEAKING SOKOVIAN)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SPEAKS SOKOVIAN)

(IN ENGLISH)

That's not exactly how I remember it.

You probably suppressed a lot of the trauma.

Mom has been weird since Uncle Pietro got here.

I think it's because she hasn't seen him in a long time.

And he's what you call, "a man child." -(SIGHS WEARILY)

-Whoa!

Sweet costume bro-ham-in-law.

Let me guess.

Uh, traffic light.

-(SIGHS)

-Half-shucked corn.

A booger!

-Yes.

-Yes!

Well, thank you for humoring me and wearing this ridiculous get-up, honey.

Well, there were no other clothes in my closet, so...

-You are incorrigible, darling.

-(CHUCKLES)

I know you have a secret thing for Mexican wrestlers.

Mi gusta mucho.

Chili con carne.

Ooh!

(GIGGLES)

What do you say, boys?

Who's ready for that first hit of high fructose corn syrup?

-Yes!

Headlock!

-Get out of here, get out of here.

Never told me much about your brother.

I had no idea he'd be so...

Go!

-Great with kids.

-(ALL BURPING)

Yeah.

He's just full of surprises.

Well, you have fun tonight, darling.

What?

What do you mean?

You're all dressed and ready to go.

I'm undercover.

Halloween is a bacchanal for adolescent trouble-makers and the neighborhood watch is the only thing that stands between the trees and the toilet paper.

-No, that's not what you're supposed to-- -What?

Well...

(SIGHS)

You didn't tell me you had plans.

Well, I am telling you now.

Mom and Dad have been, not fighting, just, like, different.

It's their first Halloween.

You have to be there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the big dealio?

Big guy has a conflict, twins need a father figure for the night.

Don't sweat it, sis.

I got the old XY chromosome.

-(CHUCKLES)

-Uncle P to the rescue, huh?

There you go.

Problem solved.

You have a spooky time tonight, kids.

-Goodnight, Dad!

-Bye, Dad.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Wanda?

Be good.

I smell crime.

(SCREAMS)

Don't do that!

Where do you keep your water balloons?

What?

We don't have water balloons.

Where are we gonna put all this shaving cream?

Oh.

-It was Billy's idea.

-I'm Tommy.

And don't you forget it!

You don't even have a costume.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, but...

(SIGHS)

Just remember that this is a respectable family.

If I see any funny business, I am going to magic you into a pickled herring.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

I wanna see a full work-up inside the hour.

-SOLDIER: Yes, sir.

-Hayward.

Hayward!

You cut us off at the knees, sending in that m*ssile.

Now we know who we're dealing with.

Hey, there he is.

The guy who almost got m*rder*d by his own m*rder squad.

You work for me?

-I actually don't know.

-She's with me.

I see.

And which one of you is the sassy best friend?

There is no time for you to diminish your colleagues when you're about to start a w*r you can't win.

Maximoff was never gonna negotiate with us.

We take her out, this whole nightmare ends.

MONICA: We don't know that.

We actually have no idea what will happen in there or out here if Wanda dies.

So, what?

We just surrender to that?

Not happening.

We can't outgun her.

And clearly antagonizing her is only making things worse.

If Wanda is the problem, she has to be our solution.

Captain Rambeau, you have become an impediment to this mission.

(SIGHS)

Constantly advocating on behalf of super-powered individuals.

Yes, I know your history with Carol Danvers.

You know, you people who left, still have the luxury of optimism.

You have no idea what it was like.

What it took to keep the lights on.

Don't use the last five years as an excuse to be a coward.

Maybe it's a good thing you weren't here when your mother d*ed.

Because clearly you don't have the stomach for this job.

Get her off my base.

Now.

All of 'em.

SOLDIER: All right.

Come on.

Let's go.

Hayward is way overstepping his provisional authority.

He was looking for a reason to sideline us.

He's up to something.

SOLDIER: Let's go.

Everybody in!

(GRUNTS)

-(MONICA YELLS)

-(SOLDIER GROANS)

(PANTING)

Why didn't anyone tell me the plan?

-You okay?

-Yeah.

Let's move.

This is it.

Game time.

It's not a competition, Tommy.

-It is if you're a winner.

-Tommy.

(SHOUTS)

Unleash hell, demon spawn.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Do you remember when we were at the orphanage after mom and dad d*ed?

What was the name of that kid who was always trying to steal your boots?

You know, he was the one...

He had the...

He had the skin thing.

You're testing me.

No, I'm not.

Hey, it's cool.

I know I look different.

Why do you...

look different?

You tell me.

I mean, if I found Shangri-La, I wouldn't wanna be reminded of the past either.

(LAUGHS)

Next house, Mom.

Junior entrepreneur, over here.

How about you let Uncle P help you maximize your candy acquisition, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah.

Kick-ass!

"I feel the need..."

-"For speed."

-(BOTH YELP)

Kick-ass.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO)

-Oh, hey, Herb.

-Oh, hey!

How's patrol going?

Eh, quiet, so far.

Hold up, will you?

-(MAN TALKING OVER RADIO)

-Say again.

-(MAN TALKING OVER RADIO)

-All the candy has disappeared?

What?

Who took my candy?

And now all the jack-o'-lanterns have been smashed.

(PIETRO, BILLY AND TOMMY CHEERING)

And now everyone's covered in silly string?

PIETRO: Whoo!

Sorry, Wanda, I gotta bounce.

Well, maybe Vision can help you out.

(CHUCKLES)

Vision?

Oh, he's not on duty.

Oh!

I...

I thought he...

Is there something I can do for you, Wanda?

Do you want something changed?

(CHUCKLING)

No.

It's fine.

Never mind.

(CHUCKLES)

All right.

Peace.

WOMAN: Hey!

How's it going?

Happy Halloween.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I'm so hungry, I'd eat anything.

Hungry?

I remember hungry.

I used to be like that all the time.

What did you do?

Snacked on Yo-Magic, bro.

Now I have time to hang fin.

Can I have some?

Here you go, little dude.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS WEAKLY)

SHARK: Yo-Magic!

The snack for survivors!

This is so lame.

I can't believe you're making them return all the candy.

I can't believe what a bad influence you are.

Who beefed in your borscht?

I'm just trying to do my part, okay?

Come to town unexpectedly, create tension with the brother-in-law, stir up trouble with the rugrats, and ultimately give you grief.

I mean, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

What happened to your accent?

What happened to yours?

Details are fuzzy, man.

I got sh*t like a chump on the street for no reason at all and the next thing I know, I heard you calling me.

I knew you needed me.

Uncle P, guess what?

(CHUCKLES)

They've got full-size candy bars a few blocks up.

Mom, can we go?

Next stop, Cavity Town.

Right on, little dude.

Chip off the old Maximoff block.

You've got super speed!

-I do?

-Yeah!

WANDA: It's okay, baby.

You can take it slow, and you can-- (CHEERING)

If you're gonna break the sound barrier, please just take your brother with you.

-Really?

-Really?

Really.

Yeah.

And please just remember to-- BOTH: Don't go past Ellis Avenue.

We know, Mom.

We know.

Hey!

Be careful.

PIETRO: I'm just trying to do my part, okay?

Come to town unexpectedly, create tension with the brother-in-law...

MONICA: Who is that?

Wanda's brother came to town.

He brought the wrong face.

AGENT WOO: Over here.

-What happened to your accent?

-What happened to yours?

(DARCY SIGHS)

MONICA: We shouldn't hang out here too long.

DARCY: Uh, give me two seconds.

I just need to hack into the secure network on the base.

Donezo.

Now, should be able to access the data on Hayward's devices.

Oh.

That's interesting.

Guys, Hayward figured out a way to look through the boundary.

And he didn't share it with the group.

AGENT WOO: Is this Wanda, right here?

No.

The program is tracking the decay signature of vibranium.

Vision.

Wait.

Why is Hayward tracking Vision?

I don't know.

This is all I can access so far.

These other dots, those are Westview residents?

The ones in Vision's immediate vicinity, yeah.

Hayward must have an accurate headcount by now.

MONICA: Hmm.

AGENT WOO: And some sense of their well-being.

Huh...

These people, near the edge of town...

They're barely moving.

Are they alive?

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

VISION: Say, excuse me.

Ma'am?

Are those your children?

Are you waiting for something?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

WOMAN: Happy Halloween!

Trick-or-treat?

Agnes?

What are you doing here?

Town Square Scare.

Where is it?

Oh, well, the Town Square.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I expect.

(CHUCKLES EMOTIONLESSLY)

Took a wrong turn.

Got lost.

In the town you grew up in?

(GASPS)

-It's all right.

-(GASPS)

(SOFTLY)

You...

You're one of the Avengers.

You're Vision.

Are you here to help us?

I am Vision.

I do want to help.

But what's an Avenger?

What?

Why don't you know?

(BREATH TREMBLING)

Am I dead?

No, no.

Why would you think that?

Because you are.

'Cause I'm what?

Dead.

Dead.

(SHOUTS)

Dead!

Dead!

Agnes, it is my intention to reach those outside of Westview and make sense of our situation.

(SOFTLY)

How?

No one leaves.

Wanda won't even let us think about it.

(CHUCKLING)

All is lost.

-Agnes...

-(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Agnes, please calm down.

-Agnes!

Please...

-(CONTINUES LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHING STOPS)

I will fix this, Agnes.

I promise.

Okey-dokey, neighbor.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Happy Halloweenie!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

That's it.

My way back into the Hex will be here in an hour.

Just gotta meet my guy over the ridge.

Let's roll.

You can't do that.

Sure we can.

I'm a whiz at hot-wiring cars.

You can't go back into the Hex.

Worst case scenario, Wanda removes my free will and puts me in ultra-low-rise jeans.

Hayward has your blood work.

You've gone through the boundary twice already, Monica.

The energy inside has re-written your cells on a molecular level twice.

It's changing you.

Seen enough lab results to last me a lifetime.

Cells metastasizing, cells in remission.

I know what Wanda's feeling and I won't stop until I help her.

Okay.

Okay.

But I'm staying here.

-Wait, you can't stay here.

It's not safe.

-What?

Darcy, what are you talkin' about?

I haven't made it through Hayward's last firewall.

There's something big here.

Something that can help us.

I know it.

Fine.

Fine.

I'll drop you the location, you meet us out there as soon as you can.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-PIETRO: Holy shmacaroni.

-(WANDA CHUCKLES)

PIETRO: Wow!

WANDA: Isn't it great?

PIETRO: Damn it, if Westview, New Jersey isn't charming as hell.

Now, I know that you think that I've have gone full soccer mom.

-Yeah.

-But it really is nice, right?

Yeah.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

I think Mom and Dad would've loved it.

Yeah.

I think they would have.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Where were you hiding these kids up till now?

-What?

-I assume they were sleeping peacefully in their beds.

No need to traumatize beyond the occasional holiday episode cameo, right?

-No...

-You were always the empathetic twin.

-I don't...

I didn't...

-Don't get me wrong.

You've handled the ethical considerations of this scenario as best you could.

Families and couples stay together, most personalities aren't far off from what's underneath, people got better jobs, better haircuts, for sure.

-You don't think it's wrong?

-What, are you kidding?

I'm impressed!

Seriously.

It's a big leap from giving people nightmares and sh**ting red wiggly-woos out of your hands.

How'd you even do all this?

Hey, I'm not some stranger and I'm not your husband.

You can talk to me.

I don't know how I did it.

I...

I only remember feeling completely alone.

Empty.

I just...

Endless nothingness.

(SNIFFLES)

(GASPS)

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Uh-huh.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

Hayward, you sneaky bastard.

Move out.

Vision.

What's he doing?

(VISION GRUNTING)

He really does want out, doesn't he?

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no.

Why aren't you helping him?

-Stop!

He's coming apart!

-Hey!

(GRUNTING LOUDLY)

HAYWARD: He really does want out doesn't he?

-Whoa, Billy!

-Shh!

Are you okay?

(VISION SCREAMING)

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

What?

What is it, Billy?

(PANTING)

I hear Dad in my head.

He's in trouble.

(GRUNTING)

DARCY: Let me go!

What are you doing?

Help him!

Let me go!

Help!

(SHUDDERS)

The people need help.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GROANS)

I don't understand.

What's happening to me?

Where is he?

Where's your dad?

Hey, don't sweat it, sis.

It's not like your dead husband can die twice.

-(GRUNTS)

-(YELPS)

Billy, I need you to focus.

(SHUDDERING)

I can't tell.

I see these...

-(GRUNTS)

-...soldiers.

(SCREAMING)

They think he's dying.

(CHATTER STOPS)

Jimmy.

Jimmy, do you see that?

Something's happening!

It's moving!

Go, go!

(RUMBLING)

Go, go, go!

Move, move, move!

Are you serious right now?

SOLDIER: Hey!

Stop!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, fudge.

(SOLDIERS SCREAMING)

(CLOWNS CHUCKLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Push it!

Faster!

(ENGINE ROARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come in.

Anyone read me?

Anyone hear my voice?

Does anyone read me?

Anyone read me?

Over.