11x11 - Romancing the Beef

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"To my special valentine, you are my everything.

I sleep only so I can dream of you."

- Aw, Bob.

- Mm-hmm.

Didn't Gene make me a nice valentine?

It's very romantic for a child?

- Mm-hmm.

- I mean, Dad, did you even make Mom an embarrassingly mushy valentine?

- Like your son did?

- Hey, there's a plan in place.

Yeah.

We're writing out the ten things we love most about each other.

And then we're gonna share 'em over a bottle of wine.

- It's like love homework.

- Oh, that's kind of nice.

And hard?

I mean, ten turns out to be a lot.

That's what God said about the commandments.

Well, we tried to finish them last night, but we were making dinner and then we were cleaning up dinner and then we were feeling too gassy, then we fell asleep in front of the TV and I didn't wake up until a moth flew in my mouth.

And I didn't wake up until you screamed.

After all these years, you two still sizzle.

So we just need to find a quiet minute and crap 'em out.

Lovingly.

How about you, Tina?

You excited about Tammy's Valentine's Day thingy?

It's an Anti-Valentine's Day thingy, actually.

- Okay.

- It's a party for kids who are tired of living up to society's expectation of romance just because it's February th.

So things with Jimmy Jr. are... ?

I don't know.

He's at an overnight wrestling meet this weekend, and before he left I said, "So, any ideas about how to handle V-Day while you're gone?"" And I was like, "That's my super cool abbreviation for Valentine's Day?" But by then he had his headphones on and was singing a Red Hot Chili Peppers song really loud.

- Guy's a catch.

- So when I heard about Tammy's party, I was very interested.

Hearts are farts, people, and Cupid is stupid.

Cupid's just a baby who likes to watch people kiss.

And I'm not saying any of this because I don't have a boyfriend.

You so don't have a boyfriend, Tammy.

Shut it.

So I'm inviting a group of single girls and guys who want to get away from all the rom-dram for one night.

Sign me up, 'cause that's me.

Ooh, space is actually limited.

Plus, Tina, come on, you're a total Valentine head.

Nope, nope, not this year I'm not.

Hmm, I'd valentine that.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Hearts are farts.

So Tammy invited me.

Or actually she invited a bunch of your burgers and said I could come with.

Oh.

A bunch sounds like a lot.

Free advertising?

- Thanks?

- You're welcome.

Bob, Bob, what about how well Linda sings that jingle on the radio about the accident lawyers?

She nails it every time.

I really can do this myself, Teddy.

Well, you need ten and I got a list you can use.

- You have a list?

- Forget it.

Linda, what about Bob's knuckle hair?

Like, sometimes it catches the light just so?

And it makes you feel safe?

[whispers]: I already got that one.

Ugh, Jimmy's really going overboard with his Valentine's shtick again this year.

LINDA: "Tie-the-Knot Garlic Knots Appetizers, $ ." What a friggin' rip-off.

- I'm not not-knots interested.

- Way to keep an open mind, Gene.

Oh, crap.

Here comes Jimmy.

Hey, Bob, I saw you guys gawking at my place.

If you were hoping to get a table for tonight, you can forget it.

- I'm booked solid.

- We don't care, Jimmy.

I still got dopes calling and begging for reservations.

I just hold the phone down to my butt and fart on 'em, so...

Hey, Jimmy, people are still calling.

Should I just keep farting?

Yeah, if you got 'em locked and loaded.

The last two were silent.

I had to tell 'em what I did.

I'd send the overflow to you, Bob, but I know how scared you are of actually having customers.

- Zoom.

- Ha.

You're standing in your own way.

- Trev, don't...

- What?

He is.

Eh, let's go back.

I feel a fart coming on.

I don't want to waste it in here.

It wouldn't be a waste, Jimmy!

- Good one, Dad.

- [groans] So why aren't we open late for Valentine's dinner?

Well, we're not really a datey, romantic restaurant.

We're just a "shove a burger in your face" place.

And a "sip on a soda and yak" shack.

Yeah, but tonight the streets are crawling with romantic suckers who haven't gotten their crap together enough to book a reservation someplace.

- Yeah, so?

- So they'd probably go anywhere tonight, even here.

This is insulting but kind of inspiring?

I do hate to think of all those poor lovers with nowhere to go, sitting at home, crying into their microwave dinners.

I mean, to do it right we'd have to dress things up.

Tablecloths, candles.

You could borrow the Valentine's decorations I got up in my apartment.

You decorate your apartment for Valentine's Day?

Some of the rooms.

It's not weird that I do that.

No, it's not weird.

It's just sad.

I wonder how many people we could pack into this dump.

Teddy, do you think you could pull the booths away from the wall so we could squeeze two couples in each?

Sure.

I bet whoever put 'em in didn't even attach 'em 'cause they didn't know you guys that well back then.

Plus he might have been going through a divorce and so he cut some corners on some jobs sometimes.

Uh...

Maybe we go a little fancier with the menu, like a prix fixe?

I-I haven't ground the meat yet.

Instead of burgers I could do chuck steaks.

We had a substitute teacher named Chuck Steaks once.

- Ooh, and wine.

- Right, wine.

Uh, do we have enough?

Yeah, we got a few bottles upstairs.

Plus the backup bottles.

Plus the emergency backup bottles.

- Plus the secret emergency...

- Sounds like we're good.

The real gold is in table-side services, which could be provided by Gene and myself.

Roses, candy, serenades for tips, et cetera.

Hmm.

Don't know about that, plus who would bus tables?

You know I love getting my bus on, Dad, - but I'm going to Tammy's party.

- We'd cover it, and you'd be making so much money, you wouldn't even notice how bad we are at busing.

- That's the spirit.

- Are we doing this, people?

Are we making some dumb desperate love money tonight?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Yay.

Now, I don't think the name Bob's Burgers works with the new concept.

Maybe for the night we're Bob.

- GENE: Or Bugers.

- LINDA: Or Urge.

Urge.

It's kind of edgy.

Yay, Urge.

Everybody's got 'em.

My therapist says some are good and some are perfectly normal,

- but I should stop bringing them up.

- Okay, everybody, get to work.

And Gene and I will get the word about Urge out.

The wordge.

- ♪ Urge ♪ - ♪ Urge ♪

- ♪ Is the wordge ♪ - ♪ Wordge ♪

- ♪ Urge ♪ - ♪ Urge ♪

- ♪ Is the wordge ♪ - ♪ Oh ♪

♪ They're makin' it swanky ♪

♪ It's money in the bank-y ♪

♪ Urge is the wordge. ♪

Wow.

It looks amazing.

TEDDY: I'd fall in love with a wig on a basketball in here.

Gene, I kind of wish you weren't dressed like that.

- It's a mood maker.

- Yeah, he's Cupid.

Aw.

And your T-shirt makes a great diaper, Dad.

Hmm.

Uh, Teddy, thanks for all your help.

And, uh, see you tomorrow?

- Whoa.

Why?

- Well, tonight we're...

- kind of just for couples.

- I mean... seven, eight, nine.

There's an odd number of stools, so I can be the one single.

Plus I can spend some time with someone I'd like to get to know better.

Me.

You've been under your own nose the whole time.

Oh, crap.

Lin, our valentines.

It's okay, we'll do 'em later tonight, right?

- When we're rich and gorgeous.

- Okay, pep talk.

Mom, Dad, bring it in.

I love you, but...

[sighs]

- don't mess this up.

- Okay.

That was fair.

All right, now people just have to come.

Mm.

Hmm.

- Okay, let's close.

- We gave it a sh*t.

MAN AND WOMAN: Oh, cute.

Hello, hi, come on in.

Oh, my God, we're a fancy, successful restaurant.

Hey there, chuck steak.

"Hiya, Bob." Whoa, cool deep voice, chuck steak.

"So, you gonna grind me up or what?" No, because you're gonna be a steak on a prix fixemenu.

"Prix fixe?" I thought you'd be excited.

Uh, can I call you Chuck?

"Maybe." So, welcome to Urge.

Don't mind the couple on the other side of the privacy partition.

You're way hotter than them.

And, no, I did not say that to them, too.

- [whispers]: You're hotter.

- Happy to be anywhere.

[laughs] Someone forgot to make a reservation.

Oh, like it's my job?

Am I a professional restaurant reservationist?

No, I'm a professional doctor.

Don't "I'm a doctor" me.

I'm a doctor, too.

Okay, so we're both doctors.

God.

So, What about a drink?

A couple of large wines?

- Sure.

- And for you?

- Folded paper rose for the lady, sir?

- Uh, yeah, I-I'll take one.

Oh, you're only one rose in love?

- No, we're probably at a two?

- Two?

- I-I mean four.

- I could tell.

♪ I'm serenading you with my voice ♪

♪ I just spat a little, I'm sorry. ♪

Oh, my God, I love that song.

It's so tip-worthy.

- In the diaper, please.

- Gene, no.

This is Urge?

- Oh, Hugo.

Uh, Bob, Hugo's here.

- Ugh, why?

I thought the address looked familiar, in a bad way.

Lot of changes, Bob.

- Um, not that many.

- Hello.

Hello.

Bob, I see the look of fear and respect in your eyes, but relax.

I'm here as a sexy Valentine's diner, not a sexy health inspector.

So you have a date?

Somehow?

Cheryl is meeting me here.

Bob, Linda, I'm in love.

With my mother's description of her.

Aw, that's nice.

Uh, why don't you sit over there?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, this isn't great.

We've got extra tables and I'm pretty sure we're violating a bunch of codes.

No, he says he just wants to have dinner.

He's in love with some poor lady.

All right, just bring him wine with a lot of wine in it.

So, a first date?

Sounds like a paper rose situation to me.

I'm gonna keep handing you roses, you just say when.

- Uh...

- First date on Valentine's, huh?

It's kind of what I'm doing.

And it's going pretty well, if I do say so.

Okay, roses, that'll be $ .

What?

No, one rose is plenty.

And songs?

Here we go.

TAMMY: Guys, welcome to my Anti-Valentine's Day party.

Check it out: black balloons, black tortilla chips, and black eye shadow on moi.

- And your roots are black.

- Jocelyn.

Let's do this.

And everybody that went to an overnight wrestling meet without nailing down Valentine's Day plans can eat it.

- [chuckles] Right?

- What?

- Exactly.

- Now we do our oath.

- Ooh, an oath.

Hell yeah.

- Everyone, hands in.

Whoa, lot of palms and fingers.

No one try to hold my hand in there, you hear?

[chuckles] Hearts are farts and Cupid is stupid.

Tonight we take our chance on no romance.

I so vow.

ALL: I so vow.

Did we just marry Satan?

Now we're gonna do whatever an evenly numbered group of attractive teens feels like doing.

Just good clean Anti-Valentine's fun.

With Tammy's parents in the next room

- to help keep a lid on things.

- TAMMY'S DAD: Bye, Tammy-love.

Your mother and I are off to see different movies

- at the same theater.

- Bye.

Leave already.

Okay, there go the chaperones.

Not that we're gonna need 'em.

Cool, cool, cool.

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ We're just children watching you. ♪

If you like it, may I suggest a gratuity, and if you don't like it, I can make him stop.

For a gratuity.

Oh, my God, we're so full.

Hi, I'm Bob, I'm the chef.

H-How is everything?

'Cause if it's not right, I'll make it right.

- We're good.

- Yeah, you are.

Are you... flirting with us?

No, just feeling happy and-and really confident.

And maybe better-looking than I was earlier today?

- Oh, you're on cocaine.

- Is that what cocaine does?

Are there any downsides?

So, how's our Valentine's?

- Good.

Good.

- Most romantic night of the year.

- But no pressure.

[laughs] - I'm having a good time.

- We both are.

- [chuckles]: Okay.

Enjoy.

I don't know what's going on with these people.

They're so uptight.

It's like they got Cupid arrows up their butts.

Well, my diaper is full... of Washingtons.

And we have five couples on the wait list.

- We have a wait list?

- I don't know.

What's it called when a bunch of idiots give their names and stand outside in the cold?

BOB: [gasps] We have a wait list.

We could do a second seating.

I'll need to be changed at some point, but otherwise I'm in.

Okay, I've got plenty of steaks.

What about wine?

We're kind of burning through it, but I guess we're okay?

- Then we're going later, right?

- Yeah, I mean...

we were gonna do our valentines later.

- With wine, if there's any left.

- Crap.

I keep forgetting about that.

In a romantic way?

And think of the lovers out there, Mom.

Their poor money getting all cold.

It's fine.

We'll get to our valentines eventually.

- This is worth it, right?

- Right.

- And our valentines are gonna be so good.

- So good.

Guys, Hugo's still sitting by himself, but unlike me, he's not carrying it off super well.

Hmm.

So, Hugo, we're still waiting for your date?

I don't understand it.

My mother told her that punctuality is my biggest turn-on.

Then she's definitely on her way.

I'll keep texting.

Bob, not to be ticky-tacky, but I've noticed that you're slightly over capacity, light levels are below OSHA standards, and you have candles without an open-flame permit.

Uh, yeah, but those are kind of small things that are fine.

- There's a boy in a diaper.

- True.

At least I'm wearing the diaper.

On some Cupids the diaper wears them.

I'd hate to have to call my good friends at the fire department, but if I have nothing else to do on Valentine's Day...

Easy, Hugo, you're date's gonna be here any second.

Yeah, traffic.

Please, please come, Hugo's date.

I mean, you'll regret it, but please come.

- What was that, Bob?

- Nothing.

I hate you.

So I finally got my head unstuck, and that was my worst Valentine's Day.

Anyway, someone else?

Or not.

You know, how about some music?

I'm just gonna pick a playlist at random.

Not that one, not that one.

Ooh, "Ultimate Snog Jams."

- Don't even know what that is.

- [music playing] Huh, well, sure feels good not to be looking for some lips to land on just 'cause of what day it is.

- Is it really bright in here?

- Not really.

Yeah, I'm gonna lower the lights.

Okay, hey, Tammy, a word?

I hope I'm wrong, but I think some romance is creeping into this party.

I don't know what you're talking about, Tina.

Just remember our oath and watch each other's backs.

Anti-Val pals.

Wow, that's a lot of lip balm you're putting on.

Oh, is it?

Still no reply.

And that was my last text under my limited texting plan.

She's really not gonna show up, is she?

I mean, he did send a selfie of him pointing at his watch.

Ah, she's not coming.

I'm alone on Valentine's Day surrounded by happy couples.

Most of 'em aren't that happy.

And they're not all couples.

Some of us are single and sensational.

I think the only possible way I'm gonna feel better is to have the fire department shut you down.

- Come on, Hugo.

- Wait, let me rethink this.

- Yeah?

- Nope, still makes me feel better.

- What do we do?

- Gene, how quick can you get in a dress?

You know my record is .

seconds.

We got to stall him somehow.

Does anyone know the number for the head of fire code enforcement?

Oh, that's right, I do.

Uh, Hugo, your date's here.

She's been here.

She's in the employee bathroom.

Yeah.

She saw you on your way in.

She thinks you're handsome, but she's so nervous that... she's had a bathroom emergency.

And she's gorgeous.

She has, like, a hundred teeth.

And we didn't tell you this before because...

Because she didn't want us to.

She's embarrassed.

But why are you being so loyal to her?

We're your best friends.

- Yep, best friends.

- So, in a way, your date's going really well.

Great, I'll call Mother and update her.

The old "your date's in the stall" stall.

Love it.

So, my date's in the employee bathroom.

I knew there was a simple, really good explanation.

I don't know about really good.

Bup-bup-bup.

Yeah, just an upset stomach.

Happens all the time on Valentine's.

They call it Cupid's revenge.

- That's offensive.

- Poor thing.

[whispering]: I can't believe Hugo's buying this.

I can, he's like everyone else in here.

He's desperate for a perfect Valentine's.

It's flattering in a way.

- I gave a girl diarrhea.

- You charmer.

Got to stay cool.

I'm steering clear of romance this Valentine's.

Oh, probably should have taken off my glasses before splashing myself.

TAMMY: Mmm...

Tammy, no!

Take a breath.

Take a step back.

Whew, that was a close one.

Anti-Val pals.

[chuckles] Hearts are farts?

Hearts aren't farts, Tina.

Hearts were never farts.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying trying not to be romantic is really romantic.

This is a party now.

You mean anti-Anti-Valentine's?

Now, we're gonna go in the closet for six minutes and kiss.

Jocelyn, are you hearing this?

- Jocelyn!

- What?

♪ She's in the can, but she loves her man. ♪

- Wonderful.

Wonderful.

- It really is.

So, by yourself tonight, sailor?

- Not by myself.

With myself.

- Good for you.

- So glad I'm not that sad, lonely person.

- [entry bells jingle] So this is Urge, huh?

More like Purge.

Ha.

Rhymes.

Get lost, Jimmy, we're busy.

Yeah, I really don't have time to be insulted right now because of all the customers we have.

Yeah, you got 'em packed in like sardines.

They look a little drunk and bloated.

You know what, not bad.

Guess I rubbed off on you a little bit.

- I'm proud of you, Bob.

- What?

Happy Valentine's Day, pal.

[choking up]: Really proud.

He's proud of you.

What's that feel like?

I don't want you to

- be proud of me, Jimmy.

- Too late.

- I don't accept it.

- You love it.

♪ Where is everybody?

I don't know.

Are they all in the closet?

Ugh!

Damn Valentine's Day!

Look at me, whatever your name is.

Austin.

I know Tammy from camp.

I'm Tina.

Austin, we have a problem.

But listen, just because we're the only ones not kissing doesn't mean we're gonna kiss, even though it's really in the air.

- So what do we do?

- Drown out this music somehow.

Uh, I know, we'll sing the-the most unromantic song we can think of.

- Do you know any songs about barf?

- I mean, no.

I'll just make one up. ♪ Barf, barf, barf ♪

♪ Funky, chunky barf ♪

- ♪ Funky, chunky barf ♪ - ♪ It's in my hair ♪

BOTH: ♪ And everywhere, and I don't care. ♪

Aah!

Run, Austin, run!

We got to get out of here.

Aah!

- How many closets does this place have?

- I know.

So much storage.

Okay, we seated four new tables.

- Whew, I'm kind of b*at.

- Me, too.

Teddy, you, uh, you saw your check there, right?

Oh, right, let me, uh...

Aah!

Yeah, it's a little higher tonight.

It's fine.

What else am I gonna blow my money on?

Rent?

Heart medicine?

[chuckles] So, as long as we can keep stalling Hugo, I guess we keep going.

And it's fine that we're lying and he's gonna - find out at some point, right?

- Sure.

And it's fine that Jimmy Pesto is proud of me.

And, hey, if there's no wine left for our valentines, or if we don't get to 'em at all, there's always next year, right?

The important thing is, we were gonna do 'em.

- Right.

- Right.

Because this was worth it.

So worth it.

Hell yeah, it was worth it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, what's with all the standing up stuff?

It's been a while.

I just want to make sure Cheryl's doing okay.

No, no, no, no, girls hate it when you make sure they're doing okay.

- He's on the move.

- Hugo, wait, wait.

- No, no, no, no.

Hugo.

- Trip him.

s*ab him.

Cheryl, it's Hugo.

Are you all right?

She's shy.

Give her some room.

You're right, you're right.

Clingy me.

I'll go back.

Someone's in the other bathroom and I can't make it upstairs so I need to get in there now.

But my date is in there.

And you are wearing a diaper, Gene, so why don't you...

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Wha...

Oh, my God, she flushed herself down the toilet!

I say we wait till Gene leaves, then check all the nooks and crannies in there.

Who's with me?

She was never here, was she?

- She was...

in our hearts?

- Yeah, she was.

- Bob, Linda...

- You're actually okay and you're just gonna go home and take a nice bath?

Shut it down.

- No!

- That's another way to go.

I'm so sorry.

The astronauts were in the capsule, and there was no way to stop the countdown.

[both panting] - I think we should stop now.

- Phew.

- It's over, Austin from camp.

- We made it out.

Without making out.

Should we hug?

Probably not.

Right?

Right.

But, hey, let's remember the time we kicked Valentine's Day in its heart-shaped butt.

Okay.

See you.

- [phone chimes] - Oh, a text on the emergency phone.

"Hi, Tina. Happy Valentine's Day." JIMMY JR.: Heart emoji.

- Aw.

- [phone chimes] Uh, hope you have the emergency phone instead of your dad, like that one time.

Damn, I love Valentine's Day.

Did you just say you love Valentine's Day?

Nope.

See you.

Texting back.

Heart emoji, kiss emoji, wink emoji.

Whoops, not vomit emoji.

Uh, announcement.

Urge is closing a little early tonight, like now.

- What?

- [disgruntled gasps] Sorry, people who just got here.

Excuse me, I need to blow out that candle.

[blows] Excuse me.

[blows] Excuse me.

What's going on?

We came so close to success, I smelled it.

It smelled weird.

Good weird.

To be honest, we were kind of winging it tonight.

We're really a burger place.

It-It's not fancy, but it's fine.

- My son is usually dressed.

- Am I, though?

You know, it's a pretty good deal, too.

This version's kind of a rip-off.

Not a rip-off.

I mean, we did charge a lot more, but we-we threw in candles and stuff.

Yeah, but listen, people, maybe all that junk just adds to the pressure that everything's got to be perfect on this one night.

Valentine's can just be with the one you love, and it doesn't matter where.

This is probably more than we need to hear right now.

It's true.

Our Valentine's was just gonna be us writing down the ten things we love about each other.

Like I love that Linda sacrificed her night for this.

Not as much for the money, but so you guys would have somewhere to go.

I mean, money's good, and I love that Bob's a dreamer who just wanted a fancy restaurant for one night.

- And I love...

- Oh, my God, are you - really doing ten of these?

- No, ten's crazy.

I don't know what we were thinking.

- Maybe a couple more?

- I love that Linda says "vroom vroom" when she turns on the coffee maker.

Oh, I had that one on my list.

I love that Bob's mustache flutters when he sneezes.

I guess Mom and Dad are doing their valentines.

Out loud and in front of strangers.

Those romantic sons of b*tches.

Play something nice.

- Baby-making music?

- You know it.

WOMAN: Hugo?

You look exactly like your mother described you.

Cheryl?

You're here.

What happened?

Sorry I'm so late.

I went to the wrong Urge.

- Really?

- Yeah.

There's one in Bog Harbor.

It's more of a sex toy shop with a theater in the back.

Oh.

Did you see all my texts?

Well, you turn off your phone when you're in the theater.

- I'm kidding.

My battery d*ed.

- You're delightful.

Bob, re-Urge the place, pronto.

Yeah, we're back in business, baby.

Honestly, I kind of just want to be our old restaurant again.

Tell you what, h-how about a burger?

I'd love a burger.

They're delicious.

And afterwards, you still got a little money left.

You can buy heart medicine and not die.

I'd have a burger.

Do you want a burger?

I could go for a burger, yeah.

Valentine's burgers, all right.

Anyone else?

- Bob, can you leave a candle on one table?

- Sure.

We're doing this again next year, right?

- Eh...

- Eh... we'll see.

Or you know what's coming up?

Presidents' Day.

Some paper flags.

This guy as a little Lincoln.

Same outfit, just add hat and beard.

- I'd eat there.

- Oh, I got to grind some meat.

[as steak]: "What's happening?" We're doing burgers, Chuck.

"Wait, what?" Oh, sorry, I...

[chuckles] "Just kidding, I'm into it.

Grind me, Bob. Do it!"

♪ It's okay, we're just children watching you ♪

♪ It's okay, we're just children watching you ♪

♪ Just pretend that we're not here ♪

♪ As you grope each other's rears ♪

♪ Just pretend you're not with us ♪

♪ Do your hanky-panky business ♪

- ♪ It's okay ♪ - ♪ It's okay ♪

- ♪ We're just children watching you ♪ - ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ It's okay ♪ - ♪ It's okay ♪

♪ We're just children watching you. ♪