05x01 - The Carlsons Move to Calgary

[bunniefuu]

(Bell chimes)

(Bird screeches)

("Man!

I Feel Like a Woman!" by Shania Twain plays)

♪ Let's go, girls ♪ ♪♪♪ ♪ Come on!

♪ (Van rumbles)

♪ I'm going out tonight I'm feelin' all right ♪ - All right!

Who is excited?

- This isn't Calgary.

- It's Calgary adjacent.

- It's Cock-ring.

- It's Coch-rane.

- Not what we were sold.

- Why do we have to live in Cock-ring?

- It's Coch-rane!

It's Coch-rane, and it's where my office is.

So, let's not judge a book by its cover, and see what our rental house has in store for us!

(Door latch clicks)

- Okay girls, let's go.

- Hey!

(Footsteps thud)

(Ominous music plays)

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ - I can't do it.

- Anne!

- Lionel, I am having an actual allergic reaction to this place, like, my body is telling me to run.

- I think Jayme's scared.

- (Whimpers)

- Okay, yeah!

Yeah, I will... admit, this place is a bit rustic.

(Cell phone chimes)

But, I mean, this is just a place that we lay our heads at night.

- Guys?

- And also, Cochrane has so much to offer!

Mountains, and delicate women, shops that sell nothing but fudge!

- Guys!

- Not to mention, the great outdoors!

- Guys!

Both: What?!

♪♪♪ - It's probably just for a couple weeks.

(Bell tolls)

Lionel: The wait is over!

I finally get to see my new office!

(Footsteps thud on stairs)

- Jayme, call the police.

- Please.

You love it.

- Take that hat off immediately.

What, are you going to a rodeo clown's funeral?!

- Well, it is my first day in an actual office, with actual people, I thought black would be a little more profesh.

(Coffee pours)

- Why are you dressed like Joe Exotic?

- Hey, I am not the exotic one, okay?

You two are.

I'm Joe Normal.

Joe Normal!

Alice, are you ready to line dance your way into that new school for the big first day?

- I'm gonna miss the bus.

- Okay, I love you, bye!

And you, I know you miss your old friends.

But maybe, just maybe, this is an opportunity to...

make a new posse.

So...

Alexa?

What are some cool coffee shops in Cochrane?

Alexa: I've found a few coffee shops: Coffee Muggers on Fifth Street, Coffee Muggers on Centre Avenue, Coffee Muggers on First Street, Coffee Muggers on Memorial Way.

- Coffee Muggers sounds awesome.

- Let's go meet some locals.

- All right!

And I got you a little somethin' somethin'!

(Hums excitedly)

Huh?

It's Cochrane Anne!

It's Cochr-Anne!

Get it?

It's you.

- Yeah...

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪ Hey!

Hey!

♪ - So you haven't heard anything?

I just figured it's two hours later in Toronto, so maybe you heard?

- Honey, you gotta calm it down.

- I know, uh, they will read my book though, right?

- Of course they will, and they'll love it.

You don't get a title like "Running Your Own Train," and not cr*ck it open.

- I guess, yeah.

Woman: So sorry about the wait on that.

And what would you fancy this morning?

- I'll have a Cortado, please.

- Is that coffee?

Natashia: Oh boy.

Hey, can she hear me?

Can you hear me?!

- Is she speaking to me?

- I think so, yeah.

- Yep, I can hear you, ma'am.

- Okay, listen.

A cortado is equal parts espresso and milk.

- So, a latte, then?

- No, it's actually smaller.

- Could you not just drink less of it?

- I'll just take a regular coffee.

- Okay.

Anne: Jesus Christ.

- (Sighs)

- Oh, I love your bobble Lady Helena!

- Thanks.

Lady Helena?

- She's kind of our mascot.

Birthed 12 children, and still rode bulls 'til the end.

- Is she-she's dead?

- Gored by a bull.

Right In front of her family.

- Holy sh*t!

- Yep.

Rumour has it she smiled at her husband and kids even as the blood drained from her body.

(Ominous music)

Anyway, you have a good rest of your day.

Natashia: What the f*ck?!

Where'd you say you moved?

- (Spits)

Ugh!

Nope.

♪♪♪ (Birds chirp)

- Okay!

You're gonna do so good in your new school.

I know you are!

- (Gasps)

Cheryl!

- Aah!

- Stop it!

Stop it!

(Both laugh)

(Both screaming jovially)

(Scream plays in slow motion, deepens in pitch)

(Charms jingle)

Cheryl: You're baaaack!

- Stop!

Oh!

my God, stop it!

(Phone rings)

- And you said her birthday was...

- March third, 2016.

I could just write it down.

- I got it.

- Okay.

- Now, is it month first, or day first...

- It's the same.

Three, three.

- Right.

(Keys click)

And her medical records?

- I left the 12th message at her old school.

They're gonna fax them over.

But she's basically vaccinated.

- "Basically?" - You know, all the hits.

- It's just that without a doctor's note, I'm not sure we can admit her.

- Oh, I'm a doctor, can I just write her a note until her records get here?

- (Reluctant)

Ah...

- Lynda!

She's a doctor, it's not like she's gonna give this school polio!

- Don't start, Cheryl.

(Groans)

I'll update the list.

Excuse me.

- Thank you!

Actually, thank you!

- No problem.

Staff can be kinda tricky, but once you see their strings, you can play 'em like a fiddle.

(Laughs)

I'm Cheryl.

- Anne Carlson.

- Okay, Doctor Carlson, if you ever need a drink...

give me a call.

(Pen clatters)

Hmm!

- Thanks.

(Bell rings)

(Students chatter)

♪♪♪ - Okay...

(Students laugh and chat)

Hey, are you guys in the marching band?

- And what are you, some type of genius, or something?

- What?

(Students chatter)

♪♪♪ - And I believe that student council shouldn't be the only voice on campus.

After all, what is democracy without opposition?

And that's where we come in.

And uh, maybe we could make this place more tolerable for someone new.

Thank you, uh, we'll be meeting tonight in Room 1A, and I uh, hope to see you all there.

(Laughs)

Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before.

- Uh, I just moved here.

And sorry if I was...

- Crashing my rousing speech?

(Laughs)

Don't be.

It's always nice to see some fresh freckle...

Fresh faces around here.

- Thanks.

♪♪♪ - This fluorescent lighting is awful, I would k*ll myself.

- Oh please, you've been here three minutes.

This place is great, it's just layered.

- You've been here three hours.

How layered can it be?

- You'd be surprised.

For starters, can you believe that nobody around here dresses like this?

- I can, yeah.

- Also, it's a bit of a bad boys' club.

A couple of the guys are talking about bringing tacos in on...

- Tuesdays?

- Nope, get this.

Thursdays!

(Laughs)

I'm telling you, this place is nuts!

- I'm glad you're so happy here.

(Small laugh)

- Did um...

the publisher call yet?

- Nope.

- Hey, don't worry, they will.

- Mm-hmm.

- In the meantime...

the corporate counselor here is going on mat leave.

- Mm!

- It's a good job.

Easy hours.

I could see if they're taking interviews, if...

you're interested?

(Slurps)

- (Small laugh)

(Sobs)

- Oh God!

Honey!

Are you crying?

- I'm sorry.

- Is the idea of working here really that painful?

- Yes!

- I'm sorry, I'm...

I'm really trying here, I am.

I just feel like yours and the kids' plus one.

- Okay.

How about this...

give it a year.

And if you still feel like you don't fit in, we'll leave.

But in the meantime, just try.

- (Sighs)

- I know it's different, but maybe...

different could be good for you right now.

- I mean, yeah.

Okay.

- Okay.

Great.

And I'm also puttin' myself out there, just so you know.

Accounting is starting a ska band, and they asked if I would join.

- Oh sh*t!

- What's wrong?

- Are they gone?

Are my eyes gone?

- I don't know if you knew this, but it's actually Cochrane Policy to walk a new student home on their first day.

- (Laughs)

It is not.

- Oh, you're from Toronto, aren't you?

- How did you know?

- The accent gives it away.

"It is naaat!" - I do not sound like that!

- "I do naat sound like that?" (Both laugh)

So uh, what was your old school like?

- I don't know.

People were kinda mean to me.

Maybe I was kinda dumb, too.

- Oh, honestly?

No, I-I don't buy it.

I've known you approximately four hours now, and you've been nothing but a perfect lady.

- (Laughs)

Yeah, sure.

A "perfect lady." - Well, that's how I see you.

You should see yourself that way, too.

Hey...

let's commemorate this moment.

- Huh?

(Rain patters)

- Alice?

- Wait!

What were you trying to...

- What were you...

- Nothing!

- I wanted to officially invite you to the CCC.

- Sorry, the what?

- The Cochrane Conservative Committee.

It's not as scary as it sounds, okay?

We are just trying to bring some common sense back to people our age.

- Well...

I guess that doesn't sound so bad.

- Right?

And we don't let just anyone in.

- Wow.

Thank you.

(Kn*fe thuds)

(Splashes)

(Lid thuds, buttons beep)

- (Sighs)

f*ck it.

♪♪♪ Hmm!

So, Tomé, is it?

Am I saying that right?

- Mm-hmm, sure are.

But, I mean, most people just call us the Cutie Committee.

- Tomé, you call us that.

It makes us seem so arrogant.

- But, I mean, we are way cuter than most of the moms at the school, so...

- You sure you don't want a drink, Anne?

- I-I would, it's just...

don't we have to pick up our kids from school?

- What are you, a cop?

(Laughs)

- She thinks that's funny 'cause her husband's a dumb cop.

- You can't call him dumb, Cheryl.

- But he is!

- Yeah, but like, still, though!

(Cell phone buzzes)

- Oh!

Excuse me, I-I should take this.

(Chair scrapes)

- And that's all they said?

- An official pass.

- This was the last publisher.

I really needed this.

- You know what, just start a new book.

Go back to the well.

I'm sorry, honey.

(Beeps call off)

- (Huffs)

♪♪♪ - So, how has the transition been?

- Yeah, fine, I guess.

- Bullshit.

- You hate it!

- We hated it at first, too.

I mean, honestly, drinking with this tampon was the only thing that got me through it.

- Mm, for real.

It sure ain't city life.

- You guys moved here from cities?

- Oh, hell, yeah!

I used to be a financial planner.

- I made jewelry.

- That tracks.

- Yeah, who do you think hooked us up with these screamers?

Wakes Terry up every f*cking night, I love it!

(Laughs)

- Mm-hmm.

- Anyway, we're here for the year, you know, for now, and then...

and then we'll see.

- Yeah, we all thought the move would be temporary at first too, but you know, time just kinda...

sneaks away on you around here.

- Uh-huh, sure does.

(Words echo in slow motion)

- Uh-huh.

- (Clears throat)

- Anyway!

- To Annie.

- Oh!

- You're in now, bitch!

- (Laughs)

Woo!

(Glasses clink)

(Ominous music plays)

(Bell tolls)

(Plane roars overhead)

(Ominous music)

- (Sighs)

- Oh, hey there, stranger!

- Oh!

You're here!

- I'm here!

We're all here!

Hey, guys!

I found her!

Come on!

- Aaah!

We made it!

- Woo!

Giddy-up!

- We made it!

Woo!

Anne-a-rino!

We missed you, buddy!

- Oh, I missed you guys, too.

- Hey, baby.

Val: Look at this place!

You know, I grew up in a town just like this.

A bonafide sh*thole.

But my parents and the police felt it was best I get a fresh start elsewhere.

- (Laughs)

I'm sorry, the-the police?

- Oh.

You found your g*ng yet?

- Uh, not exactly.

- Well, they can be elusive.

Then again, once you're in, there's only one way out - pound of flesh.

- Whoa.

Val, were you in a g*ng, g*ng?

- Mmmmmm...

- Should we?

- No!

- Okay.

Let's go!

- Woo-hoo!

- Okay!

- Oh!

Look at that face!

- (Laughs)

- Anne, I've missed you so much!

I can't believe you live here now.

- Well, I'm not here.

I mean-I mean, I'm here, but I'm not like, here, here.

- No, you're practically like, a local.

- Yeah.

- Am I?

Really?

I just feel like more of a visitor.

But, you know, I'm getting by.

- You're getting by!

- How's Alice doing?

- Oh, she is amazing.

She's on a date right now.

- Whaaat?

- No!

- With some f*ckin' loser, I bet.

- No, nope, I don't think so.

- No?

Cheryl: Annie?

(Giggles)

- Oh no.

- We're just grabbing takeout!

(Gasps)

Wait...

- Oh.

- Who are these sexy strangers?

- Oh my!

(All laugh)

- Hey, I'm Kate, this is Frankie, and Va...

- I'm Cheryl, this is Tomé.

- Hey!

- Sorry, Tomé, was it?

Is that-is that Italian?

- It's like, "Toe-may-toe." - Mm!

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- That's so cool, you already made friends.

- Oh no, you have to around here.

You gotta find your clique, you gotta stick together.

- Got that right, girlfriend.

Find yourself on your own, and Val and her girls are comin' for ya.

Hog-tie ya, throw you to sea.

Tomé: (Laughs)

This is fun!

- So y'all are like the Cutie Committee of Toronto?

- The Cutie Com...

- Nothing!

Nothing!

Shut the f*ck up, Tomé!

(Laughs facetiously)

- Well, we're really happy to meet you guys.

I mean, it's been a big move for Anne.

- Oh, don't you worry about our Annie.

She's basically the mayor now.

Right?

- I'm not the mayor.

The mayor is Carl Graham.

- Cool.

- So Annie, you're gonna invite your friends tonight, yeah?

- Hmm?

- Anne, don't be rude, Tomato's inviting us to something!

- I just don't think this is gonna be your sort of thing.

- We love things.

- What else are we doing?

- We're here!

- Fun!

- We just gotta scoot home and change, and then it's time for D and D!

- Sorry, D and D?

- (Laughs uncomfortably)

(Country music plays)

♪ Denim and diamonds ♪ - Mm!

It's uh...

denim and diamonds.

- Mm!

- It's the diamonds and the denim.

See, it's like a theme!

(Giggles)

- Right.

And you've uh, you've done this before?

- A D and D?

No.

- Oh, but you should've seen our girl at last week's Fish and Fedoras!

- (Gasps)

Oh my God!

- Oh!

- It was so good!

And I just can't wait to see the theme Anne comes up with for the class party!

- Class pa...

holy sh*t!

Are you the...

are you the Room Mom?

- I am, yeah.

- Whaaat?

- Yeah.

- No, that's-that's great.

That's cool.

- Yeah, I figure it's...

- Something to do.

- Uh, Cheryl, what is it that you do?

- She's a-she was a financial planner.

- I was.

These days I do this and that.

But mainly this!

Okay, nose, mouth, or butt?

- Hmm, decisions, right?

- It's just a saying, it's like a...

- Okay, so you guys don't put...

you don't put pills in your butts?

- Well, it's not my first pick.

But yeah, I've taken a benzo...

- Rectally?

- She has a lot of back pain.

- Uh-huh.

- Geez!

I thought you city girls would be a lot more...

open-minded, I mean, Annie is.

(Uncomfortable chuckles)

- I know how open-minded Annie is.

I know Annie here better than anybody.

- Oh, really?

Did you know she's allergic to...

- Pistachios?

Get the f*ck outta here with that basic Anne knowledge.

- You tell 'em, Kate.

- Did you know that before psychiatry, she wanted to become...

- A judge?

- Honestly, Kate, who doesn't know that?

- Anne wanted to be a judge?

- I guess so.

Cheryl: And what about Alice?

Did you know that Anne read her diary, and learned that she's been to second base?

- I did not know that.

Which one is second base again?

- (Squeezing sound)

Cheryl: And what about Lionel?

Did you know that quarantine was the most challenging chapter of their marriage?

- Uh-huh, sure was.

Yeah.

- Is that true?

sh*t, dude, I'm so sorry!

- No, it's fine.

- I should've reached out more.

- Hey, it's fine, it's totally-no, don't worry.

- Well, I can see why she wanted to move here!

I mean, you guys aren't really friends at all.

- What the f*ck did you just say?!

- You heard me.

- Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Guys, stop!

- Whoaaaa...

okay.

- No, it's fine.

It's fine.

- I think I choose nose!

- Sink or swim, baby turtle!

- Oh!

What are you doing?!

Ah!

- Come on!

- What is she doing?

- Kate, grab her legs!

- No!

- Anne, help me!

- Absolutely not!

- Is this fun, or should I fight it?

Cheryl!

Ohhh!

- Oh my God!

- VAL!

Cheryl: That's too far!

- Stop it, Val!

- Owww!

- Val, no!

- Quick, help me get her in the pool!

- Mom!

- Ben-Ben!

How was your date!

Tomé: Wait, uh, are you gonna drown me?

- It's not always like this.

- Okay, thanks for coming, guys.

Safe flying.

- Uh, once again, I feel the need to apologize.

- Yep.

- You were terrifying.

- I was in a small town girl g*ng.

- Yeah, we gathered that, Val.

Pretty clear.

- Well, I'd appreciate it if we could keep this amongst us gals?

(Frankie, Anne, and Kate laugh)

- Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

- Yeah.

Of course.

- All right, well, I'm just like, a phone call away.

You just like, sh**t me a ringle, or ding me a tingle, or...

- I'll call, Frank.

- (Blows a kiss)

- (Sniffs)

You just blink at me right now, I will buy you a plane ticket.

You hop on with us, we'll figure out everything when we land.

- Dude.

I live here now.

- All right.

Hey, I'm...

I'm sorry I didn't know that stuff Cheryl said.

- Oh!

I...

- If I could've called more.

It's just the last few months have been so...

- Crazy.

Yeah, totally.

I mean, I-I could've called more, too.

I just needed to give this place a chance, you know?

- Yeah, that makes sense.

Look, just promise me you're gonna keep pushing, you know?

You gotta find purpose here.

- Kate, I know.

I get it.

- And hey, for the record, I really like it.

(Both laugh)

(Plane roars overhead)

♪♪♪ (Wheels rattle)

♪♪♪ - You're gonna be all right?

- Yeah!

(Laughs)

♪♪♪ (Sighs)

(Line ringing)

- Hey you!

How was dropping off the ladies?

- Fine, yeah.

Hey, so I've been giving it some thought and...

could you see if they're still looking to fill that shrink gig at your office?

- Yes!

Seriously?

Anne, , I am so proud of you.

This, this is gonna be great!

- Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey, I gotta go.

- Okay.

Okay, I love you!

- Love you.

- Now, have you taken anti-anxiety medication before?

- It's been a while, but yeah.

- Okay, well, you've been prescribed 1.5 milligrams, to be taken orally at your discretion.

Now, there are several warnings with benzodiazepine.

(Pills rattle)

You should contact your doctor...

♪♪♪ ♪ Let's go girls ♪ ♪♪♪ ♪ Come on! ♪ Anne: Next time, on "Workin' Moms:" Are you sure you should be chasing pills with champagne?

- You don't think that you might be able to maybe...

write us a scrip for some more?

- I got you an interview at my office to take over Mallory's mat leave!

- That seems very soon, is that very soon?

- Kate Foster, very sorry to keep you waiting.

- Not at all!

Uh, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Sloan.

- Do we not deserve to blow off a little steam every now and then, with a couple of meat boys?

- Absol...

sorry, "meat boys?!"