09x08 - Lost and Found

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

When did "new and improved" come to mean the same thing, huh?

A lot of times, the new, improved version is somewhat worse than the original.

You know what I'm talking about?

How about the $ electronic key fob versus the ignition key?

Because I guess this became just too much for people.

I don't even know how to turn that.

The ignition key never left you stranded because its tiny battery d*ed.

Who prefers Jefferson Starship to Jefferson Airplane?

If you knew that person, could you be friends with that psychopath?

James Bond.

Meh, straight downhill since the late, great Sean Connery.

On Bond's current trajectory, will eventually be played by former secretary of labor Robert Reich.

And florescent lights.

Who thought it was a good idea to invent lighting that makes you ugly no matter how good looking you are?

God said, "Let there be light".

Tommy Edison said, "I'm on it, boss".

We should have left it at that, right?

Put another way, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Which is why I'm taking my own advice and ending this perfect vlog right here.

Baxter out.

Hey, come on, man.

Listen...

By all means, come on in, guys.

Sorry-sorry, Mike, but this-this couldn't wait.

Well, it must be important.

Let me rephrase that.

Could wait, but I got bored.

- Didn't feel like waiting.

- Okay.

U-Uh, E...

- Ed's upset because...

- No, no, no, no.

No, you're upset because finding a rare classic car to restore is hard, because... get this...

they're rare.

See, I like my barn finds like my steak: medium.

I understand.

Now here's my proposal.

Oh, here we go.

Just like all successful economic plans, you guys need competition and incentive.

If this is gonna be one of these shirt versus skins things, I want to be shirt.

Oh, and we want you to be.

So I've decided to spring for a billboard for our restoration business.

Whoever lands the best barn find gets their face feet tall.

Wow.

Then you'd have to actually shrink Joe's head.

I mean, if you want...

Listen, I don't care about any of this stuff.

When my face is on that board, Baxter, my eyes are gonna follow you everywhere you go.

I'm starting to care a little bit about it.

You see, now, this is what my idea was supposed to do, huh?

Turn you against each other.

All right.

Iron sharpens iron,

- that's it.

- Okay, here we go.

Uh, you know what, I got this in the bag.

I used to do aerial reconnaissance back in Iraq, and I just got my drone back from the shop.

What happened to it?

Ironically, I flew it into a billboard.

- You do have a plan, don't you?

- Yeah.

I'm thinking a machine g*n turret and barbed wire will prevent people from coming into the office.

♪♪ RECEPTIONIST: Ryan, there's a Mike Baxter here to see you. Oh, uh, stall him, okay?

I got to clean up the office.

I don't want him to do that thing

- where he just barges in...

- (GROANS)

Hello, Mike.

Hey, buddy.

Listen, I got your, uh, financials from Bud's Buds with me and your mail-in ballot.

I hope it's not too late.

Why do you have it?

You gave it to Vanessa to give to me to mail.

She gave it to me.

Here.

Wait.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

What do you think of, uh, the new digs?

The weed business certainly has changed.

It used to be buy your weed from a guy you wouldn't want to be seen with.

Wow, that hasn't changed.

Check this out.

Rocky Mountains.

Here in Colorado?

When did they move them here?

That's interesting.

What is that?

Oh, uh, okay, so these are the territories.

Red are the dispensaries, green are the grow facilities, and these circles are our delivery areas.

So your drivers cover this whole area?

Yeah, actually, it was my idea to overlap some delivery areas

- so we could have maximum coverage...

- That's really fascinating.

Listen...

you know what a barn find is, right?

Sure, yeah.

Old car you find in a barn or backyard or whatever.

Yeah, exactly.

Could your drivers look for a barn find in this area while they're driving through their, you know, pot circles?

Why?

Because I asked you to.

And 'cause I brought your ballot.

All right, sure.

I'll help you out.

- Good.

- But, uh, you know, now that I'm a corporate guy...

what's in it for me?

Uh, how about this?

I won't call you a commie

- for one week.

- Six months.

- Three.

- Deal.

- Weeks.

- All right.

Fine.

But you don't get to call me socialist or snowflake, either, okay?

Oh, and at least one family dinner, you have to refer to me as your rock.

Does it have to be my family?

I really have to go, Mark.

Okay, girl.

Dish.

Yeah.

Who's Mark?

Someone I am not going to talk to you about.

That's a dating app.

She's dating someone.

We're not dating.

We video chatted a few times.

Why do you feel like you have to butt in on my love life?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jen, your what life?

Okay, also, when have we ever interfered?

Adam St.

Cloud, Jeremy Thomas, Tyler Gross, to name three.

Then... why stop now?

When are we getting Mark over here so we can plan our next move?

Who's Mark?

Oh, Jen's Internet lover.

He is not!

- I haven't even met him yet.

- MANDY: What?

No, you have to meet him in person.

How do you know what he really looks like?

Like, what if he has three arms or a huge growth on the back

- of his head?

- What if he's...

just a head?

You know, in the future, we're all gonna be just heads.

Guys, leave her alone, okay?

You've seen The Bachelor. This is her journey.

Sorry, Mom.

You're right.

Psych!

Like she's ever been right.

You guys aren't gonna drop this, are you?

No.

Never.

Fine, I'll meet him!

But only so you'll get off my back.

(SIGHS)

I can't wait to tell this story at her wedding reception.

You are so romantic.

I hope in the future, when we're both just heads,

- that we're on the same shelf.

- (GASPS SOFTLY)

Oh...

RYAN: Perfect timing. I've got some good news for you.

You're moving back to Canada?

- Oh.

- Hey, hey.

Who wouldn't want free health care, real maple syrup and an abundance of female singer-songwriters?

Okay, so, one of my drivers said he found a Shelby Cobra.

Shelby Cobra?

That's very rare.

Is it the original owner?

Says it's been in his family the entire time.

D-Does it run?

Mm, let me find out.

Remember who did this for you.

Uh, no.

Sorry.

It does not run.

That's good.

No, that's actually great news.

I can get it for a better price.

Forget the cr*ck I said about Canada.

- KRISTIN: Hmm.

- Uh, hey, you're my rock.

No, no, no, does not count.

Has to be at a dinner.

(LAUGHS)

All right, have your driver take a picture of it, okay?

And then get it to me, and I want to rub Joe's face in this.

- Okay, you got it.

- Hey, listen, thanks very much.

- Good job.

- Look at that.

You made my dad happy.

There's a first time for everything.

Yeah, well, get used to it, baby.

Don't... talk like that.

Hello, Michael.

We're not on a first-name basis, Joe.

Okay, Mr.

Baxter.

I got an e-mail from an old car mechanic buddy of mine.

He told me about a car that's gonna make this face billboard bound.

You sound like you're pretty confident of this car, Joe.

Hey, do my cats like to sleep in my bed?

(CHUCKLES)

He sent me pictures...

it's beautiful, and...

the old lady's looking to sell.

All right, let's make this a little more interesting.

If I win, you got to wear a collar that shocks you every time you walk through that door.

And if I win, you got to listen to the entire country-western music album

- that I wrote and performed.

- Done.

- Got it, got it, yeah.

- Hey.

Uh, so, bit of bad news.

(CHUCKLES)

: But also...

it's kind of funny.

What's the bad news?

So, my driver didn't find a Shelby Cobra, he found a cobra named Shelby.

That's... horrible news, and that's not funny.

That's right.

It's hilarious!

(LAUGHS)

I mean, I guess I just should've known better.

This guy's the company cutup.

He's always pulling these pranks.

I was pulling a prank a minute ago with Joe

(CHUCKLES): saying that I'd listen to this country music album he wrote.

Nice try, Baxter.

♪ Tumbleweeds, keep a-tumblin' ♪ ♪ Down the road, down the road, down the road, down the road ♪ ♪ Tumbleweeds... ♪

♪♪

- Morning.

- Hey, good morning.

Before we get started, let me ask you a question.

Where do you even find pink dress shirts?

It's salmon.

I don't know if you know this or not, but that's not better.

I love our little chats about fashion, Baxter.

We should do this more often.

So, how's your barn find competition coming?

(SIGHS): Oh, not so great.

I lost my drone again.

- Apparently, eagles find it hot.

- Huh.

I was hoping you'd find something.

Joe's got a lead, and I might have made a little side bet with him.

Ah.

Must be pretty bad.

Yeah.

♪ Tumbleweed, keep stumblin'. ♪ Oh, God.

You have to listen to the album?

That's right.

You've got to hack his e-mail for me.

All the information's on there about the car, the location, the price.

I got to know if it's the real deal, whether it's worth me stealing it from him.

(CHUCKLES): Ah, oh.

Oh, well, this is an interesting situation.

You find yourself in need of my computer expertise, and I find myself in need of your parking spot.

My parking spot?

What does that have to do with anything?

- It's right next to yours.

- Yes, but I like your parking spot.

- Okay.

Take my spot.

- (LAUGHS)

Just hack his damn e-mail.

What happened to honor?

Well, wait.

Just to be clear.

Now, I get the parking spot just for getting you into his work e-mail...

is that correct?

That is correct.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, so...

I'm gonna take a little break, run a few errands, and I'm gonna leave this notepad which may or may not have a certain someone's password written on it.

"Mike Baxter's great".

That's weird.

♪♪ It feels so good to be inspiring young love.

Yeah.

I see their wedding as-as, like, an outdoor thing but, like, tasteful, with canvas tents and Shetland ponies wearing tuxedos.

I think I want to be the best man.

And the minister...

who plays bass in the wedding band.

Ooh, that day is gonna be exhausting.

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, Jen's out on a real-life, in-person date with Mark.

We made her do it.

(SIGHS)

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Meddling in someone's love life never ends well.

Uh, freshman year you told Alex Irvine's mom that I had the flu and I couldn't go to homecoming with her son.

Mandy, you had the flu.

- Oh.

Hey, how was it?

- (GASPS)

Start at the very beginning.

What was he wearing?

What were you wearing?

Oh, that.

You look cute.

It was terrible.

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

Uh...

Look, I'm comforting Jen right now.

I will get to you two later.

What happened?

He smelled.

His body odor was unbearable.

He was like a rotten egg in a cabbage factory on top of a sulfur mine.

Other than the smell, how was he?

I hope you're happy.

Now, thanks to you, I am never gonna see Mark again.

To the couch.

Yeah.

Damn, it's a .

Hello, billboard.

Hello, flathead.

What are you doing in front of my car?

What are you doing in the back of my car?

Seriously, Baxter.

I had to pull a lot of favors to get this tip.

Well, maybe you should change your e-mail password to "Mike Baxter sucks".

I tried that, but it's already taken.

Hey, where do you get off hacking my e-mail anyway?

Your e-mail?

I'm Outdoor Man, Outdoor Man computer, Outdoor Man e-mail.

Do the math, buddy.

Do the math.

Huh?

Can I help you boys?

Um, I'm sorry for intruding.

I really am.

My name is Mike Baxter, and I restore cars just like this.

You know, I restore cars, also.

You'll have to forgive my dad.

He just repeats everything I say.

I understand you're looking for somebody to take this off your hands.

Well, I wouldn't sell to just anybody.

(CHUCKLES)

This car belonged to my late sister.

Okay, first of all, that man is a liar.

Secondly, I was best friends with your sister.

MIKE: Knock it off.

Knock it off.

He's never even met a woman.

Nobody will take better care of this car than me.

Well, yeah, you know, maybe I ought to move it off the property.

- There you go.

- My neighbor saw a Black man snooping around earlier today.

Oh, but don't worry.

No, no, no.

She called the police and they took him away.

Was this man by chance wearing a-a pink shirt?

No.

No, it was definitely salmon.

Maybe it's not him.

Well, he's not answering his phone.

Why would they arrest Chuck?

He's Chuck.

Hey, boys, how are the barn finds coming, eh?

Not a good time right now, Ed.

So much for "iron sharpens iron", huh?

You know, you guys need a swift kick in the ass to win this.

Chuck got arrested.

What for?

Well, most likely doing exactly what Joe and I were doing.

We were looking at some old lady's car in her driveway.

I mean, why would they arrest Chuck for that and not us?

- Because he's Black.

- What?

You are aware that Chuck is a Black man, right?

I know that.

I'm not an idiot.

In fact, he told me that the first day we met.

In-in confidence.

- It just never ends.

- I know.

- Remember Jamal?

- Yeah.

- What happened to him?

- He was an intern.

Said he was uncomfortable handing out flyers in certain neighborhoods.

I-I told him he was being paranoid.

Until he was detained.

I blame myself for that.

Yeah, it's too bad you couldn't cure racism all by yourself, Ed.

But I should've listened to him.

Guys, Chuck's on his way up.

- Well, I am gonna get to the bottom of this.

- No, no.

I want the name of that arresting officer.

I'll have him writing speeding tickets to snowboarders till he retires.

I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna listen, like you should have.

Hey, Baxter, I'm gonna need you to move your junker, man.

- You're parked in my spot.

- Will do.

(STAMMERS)

- Who told you?

- So it's true?

What the hell'd you do to get arrested?

Was it the pink shirt?

I didn't do anything.

The cops got a report of a suspicious person in the area.

I didn't have my ID., so... they put me in handcuffs, took me downtown to verify my identity, then they let me go.

Well, that's crazy. I mean, I leave my house all the time without an I.D.

Really?

Well, what a magical world you live in.

Oh, please, Joe, tell me more.

I can't believe this happened to you.

I mean, you're, you're Chuck.

Could we give it a rest, guys?

I'm just trying to understand.

Yeah, and I want you to understand, man.

I just don't want to have to be the one to help you process what I'm going through.

That's never gonna happen.

You're mad because this happened to me, but this kind of thing happens every day to somebody else's Chuck.

I'm not the exception, I'm the rule.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm glad I listened this time, Mikey.

Me, too.

And I'm really glad I don't have to listen to your album.

(SIGHS)

Your mom was right all along.

We shouldn't have butted into Jen's business.

Or we didn't butt in enough.

Oh, I like that better.

We could fix this.

Body odor doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

Right.

I mean, it's what the cologne industry is built on.

Not to mention Big Soap.

Oh, lookie here.

Jen left her computer open.

Huh.

I wonder if Mark is on...

Oh, we can't do this.

Are we doing this?

- (LINE RINGING)

- Oh, we're really doing this.

- (COMPUTER CHIMES)

- Hi, Mark.

KYLE: Hi, buddy.

Hi? Who are you? Uh, I'm Mandy and this is Kyle.

Y...

W-We're part of Jen's American family.

What's going on? Well, uh, this isn't easy to say, so I'm just gonna do it like they do in the commercials.

Are you struggling with body odor?

Excuse me? Uh, it's pretty bad, according to Jen.

She says ya stink.

Uh, b-but we can fix that.

You just need to shower more, focusing on the parts of the body that are the smelliest.

Kyle, why don't you tell him how you shower?

I'd be delighted.

Stop. How would Jen know if I smell?

I've never met her. - What?

- What are you doing?

Why are you talking to Mark?

Hi, Mark.

He says he never met you.

I haven't. Why did you tell these people I smell? That guy was gonna show me how to wash. Okay, funny story.

They kept bugging me about meeting you, and you don't know them, but they're really annoying, so I made up a story so they'd leave me alone.

We'll laugh about this later.

Mark?

Mark?

I can't believe you called him.

Well, I can't believe you lied to us.

Yeah, and telling us he smelled.

And I was gonna play bass at your wedding.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Don't you have jobs and a child?

Where does all this excess energy come from?

It comes from love.

We love love.

Well, I would love if you stayed out of my love!

So you admit you love him.

Well, I guess we learned a valuable lesson about butting into people's romantic lives.

We have to be a lot sneakier.

MIKE (OVER COMPUTER): Put another way, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Which is why I'm taking my own advice and ending this perfect vlog right here. Baxter out. Why do you keep watching that over and over again?

I'm thinking about going in another direction.

Ah.

Is this about what happened to Chuck?

Yeah.

I think I want to vlog about what happens when you find out something is broke, but you don't know how to fix it.

Hmm.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Hello, Mark.

What's with you people? No, not people.

I'm Vanessa.

You're not gonna show me how to wash, are you? 'Cause that'd be cool. Uh, no, no.

L-Look, I-I actually just, uh, wanted to apologize for my daughter and her husband.

They can't seem to mind their own business.

Uh-huh.

It can run in families. Oh, no.

No, no.

I-I mean, I'm not meddling.

(CHUCKLES): I-I just want to right a wrong.

Uh, look, y-you shouldn't cut Jen off just because of what Mandy and Kyle did.

I'm sensitive, and I need to be with somebody else who's sensitive. Like you obviously are for doing this. Uh, well, uh, that-that's sweet, but we're not talking about me right now.

We're talking about Jen.

We could be talking about you. Are you, are you hitting on me?

(LAUGHS)

Is it working... Vanessa? Uh, bye-bye, Stenchy.

Ugh.

Jen, you are not dating boys anymore!

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)