Lemon Drop Kid, The (1951)

[bunniefuu]

What?

A long sh*t?

This race?

Can't miss?

Thanks, baby.

Take two carrots out of petty cash.

I'll check with you.

Come on, kid.

Let's go.

Why?

What am I doing?

Touting again.

Touting?

Him?

Now, listen, kid.

We've seen you use some pretty wild schemes.

Why?

Is it a crime this horse happens to have A sweet tooth for lemon drops?

Yeah, but you're using this on these crazy horse players, They'll think the horse is giving you a tip.

Well, you know it and I know it and the horse knows it.

But it'll sound very peculiar in court.

Just step out of line once, Kid.

The handcuffs are ready.

Lay off me, will you?

And if I get lucky, I'll buy you some ice with waters.

To think just last Thursday, I went for one of his tips.

You, too?

I tell you, George, I've got a hunch on Mince Pie.

Remember that time you ate that woman's pie, And you couldn't go to work the next day because you were sick?

And the office was struck by lightning.

Ellen, that horse isn't going to run any faster Just because its name is Mince Pie.

Mince Pie is a pretty good three-year-old.

Going to win a lot of races.

That is, if its leg gets well.

You...

you think there's something wrong with his leg?

Think?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm the track vet.

It's a "precastinary" infection of the "fedasorial" area, Which...

oh, inflamed ligaments.

Imagine allowing a horse to race with a bad leg.

Half of these horses should be in wheelchairs.

It's the only reason they fight for the rail, It gives them something to lean on.

Would you believe it, there's only one Sound horse in the race?

Doctor?

Doctor.

Mm-hm?

You said there was only one horse that wasn't sick.

Please, Doc, which one?

All that information is confidential, you know?

Sort of between doctor and patient.

We wouldn't tell anybody.

You could share your secret with us.

And we'd share our winnings with you.

Oh no, please, please.

That would be unethical.

However, if after the race, you'd Like to donate something to the clinic?

We're so overcrowded, we have two horses in every bed.

Oh, certainly, we will.

Uh, which horse feels well?

Well, if I were a betting man, I'd Consider (WHISPERS) S-I-X a very lucky number.

(LOUDLY) S-I...

Shh.

(WHISPERS) All right, shush.

(SOFTLY) S-I-X.

That's Rhumba Dancer.

Come on, Ellen.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're a credit to your profession.

Oh, ho, it's nothing.

[MUSIC - "CALL TO THE POST"]

Uh, excuse me.

Pardon me for crowding in, but I flew all the way from Chicago To see my brother ride this race.

First time I get to see him ride a winner.

His brother's a jockey.

Funny thing.

Mom always thought he was going to be the tall one.

How do you know your brother's going to win?

Lots of ways it's fixed, unless they Try to pull something crooked.

Sometimes, the horses make their own deals, too, you know.

Uh, well, uh, what's your brother's name?

We'd like to cheer for him, too.

If you knew that, you'd know which horse.

Oh, you won't be sorry.

I'll take care of you after the race.

A big chunk.

Oh.

Well, I don't care about the money so much.

After all, you do look like decent people.

The number is S-E-V-E-N.

S-E-V-E-N.

That's Iron Bar.

Oh, we're so glad we happened to meet you.

Would you believe it?

This is the first race we've won today.

Well, then...

Oh, there... there's your brother now.

Hm?

Oh, hi, Jerry!

Mom and Dad send their love.

Lots of luck, kid!

See how he pretends not to know me?

Smartest little operator around.

[MUSIC - "CALL TO THE POST"]

I tell you, sir, I know we race Christmas Day.

Look, sonny, I got to be sure.

Now, go ask Judge Wilkinson for me.

[CHATTER]

(THINKING) Mm-hm.

They're still printing dollars, huh?

[WHISTLING]

Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Y'all addressing me?

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Well, honey child, Did y'all just dropped this $5 bill?

Oh, I...

I couldn't have.

Mine are all hundreds.

Yeah, mine, too.

It must belong to some Yankee.

Well, y'all must be as lucky as you are beautiful.

My gentleman friend is betting all this on Iron Bar.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Iron Bar?

Well, corn my pone and chit my chitlins!

I was going to drop a handsome figure on that animal Myself until my uncle told me the race was fixed.

Your uncle?

Yeah.

Well, that's Judge Wilkinson.

He's the president of the Turf Club, And also, the head judge of the finish line.

I'm just waiting now for him to give me the nod.

He's investigating, of course.

My, head judge!

That's him.

The one with the pretty girl.

He gives me $1 to ask you if we race on Christmas Day.

He won't take my word for it.

Must be a tourist.

Well, if the race is fixed for Iron Bar to lose, You must know who's going to win.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yeah, but I couldn't divulge information Like that.

I've been sworn to secrecy.

I gave my word as a true gentleman of the South.

I swore on a stack of black eyed peas and candied yams.

This message had been binded.

There's two thousand cash-money here.

My gentleman friend would take good care of you After the race.

Well, bless your heart, honey child.

Uh, the number is, uh, E-I-G-H, y'all, T.

You mean Lightning Streak?

None other.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, after the race, I'll meet you at the lettuce counter.

We'll settle up.

Y'all understand.

Lightning Streak!

Hey, kid.

You getting on the big time?

I'm expanding my business.

I'm branching into the hundred-dollar window.

Did you get a load of that loot?

There's a tomato with her own cabbage patch.

Two G's!

Mm-hm.

Ow!

What do you expect?

Moose Moran always bets heavy.

Moose Moran?

You mean that doll belongs to Moose Moran?

You didn't know it?

Hey, you better be sure you gave him a winner.

A winner?

I don't know one horse from another.

I better grab her and tell her the fix is off, have her change Her number.

Say...

[BELL RINGS]

[CHEERS]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): There they go!

It's Iron Bar taking the lead.

Lightning Streak.

Where are you?

You want my blood on your hands.

Lightning!

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Lightning Streak is 11 to 7 to pole.

Daddy, I met the nicest man.

I gave you two grand to bet on Iron Bar.

I know, but Iron Bar doesn't have a chance.

The nice man told me who all's going to win the race.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): End of the back stretch, Iron Bar lengthening out.

Was this nice man eating lemon drops?

Y'all know the nice man?

Mm-hm.

I told the nice man y'all give him something after the race.

Yes.

We'll give the nice man something after the race.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Iron Bar now leading 5-7 lengths.

Saddle Queen is now second in length.

And Lightning Streak.

Kid, Iron Bar is running away with it.

Stay there, Iron Bar.

Stay there!

You want to get me k*lled?

Come on, Lightning Streak!

Come on!

But you told us Iron Bar.

Don't you remember?

We don't want anyone to know we're in on it.

Come on, Lightning Streak!

Come on, Lightning Streak.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Final stretch, Iron Bar holding his lead.

What a race!

Look at that horse run!

If you think he can run, watch this!

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): And it's Iron Bar, the winner, easily.

[CHEERS]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): And Lightning Streak.

But the nice man was sure Lightning Streak Was going to win.

Is Moose angry?

Say, you were right before.

I was touting that horse.

I admit it.

I confess!

I've been touting horses all afternoon.

Put me in jail.

Please put me in jail!

Are you kidding?

What kind of a new racket is this?

Well, I'm a citizen.

I pay taxes.

I got a right to be put in jail.

Slap them on me!

Are you trying to make chumps out of us again?

No, I just touted Moose Moran by mistake.

I touted him off a winner.

He'll k*ll me.

Well, you know it and we know it and Moose Moran knows this.

But it would sound very peculiar in court.

[COPS CHUCKLE]

I'll have them draft it.

My key?

The credit manager wants to talk to you.

Do you not want to talk to the credit manager?

- You want to talk to Moose.

- No, no.

I...

I don't want to talk to either one of them.

I...

Well, Moose wants you to have a drink with him.

No, I'm not thirsty.

Moose said you're thirsty.

No, I...

I'll take a rain check.

Moose likes you.

Yeah, I'm fond of him, too.

Let's go outside.

Yeah.

No, fellas.

I've made up my mind!

Let's go.

I'll be back later, I think!

I'll be...

ha-ha.

Funny when your boys said you wanted to have a drink with me.

I thought they were kidding.

Ha-ha.

Thanks, Scarlett.

Moose, you're a real solid citizen, Taking your loss like this.

Why should I get high blood pressure for about ten grand?

Yeah, that's what I say.

It's not worth...

ten grand?

I thought you only lost two?

Yeah, but the horse won.

They would have paid me ten grand.

Come on, I'll show you around.

Say, with a layout like this, even ten grand Must be bird feed, huh?

Yeah.

Over here is a sort of den.

Had it fixed up special.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Ow!

Oh, my god!

[CRIES]

Help.

It's all right.

Have a look.

[GRUNTS]

Ow!

Ugh!

Ow.

Maybe he ain't got the diamond.

Moose thinks he swallowed it when We had him in the limousine.

[GROANS]

Ready, Sam?

(SCREAMS) Ow!

Ow!

[GROANS]

What's the matter, Kid?

You look kind of sick.

No, no, uh, I always turn green this time of the year.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): (SCREAMS) Ohh!

Maybe you'd better sit down.

At least.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Aargh!

No, don't I'll talk.

I'll talk.

Ahh.

I didn't swallow the diamond.

It's in my shoe...

in the heel.

Now, that you're feeling better, Let's talk about the ten grand you owe me.

Oh, but you said...

No, it's not the money.

I just don't like to have all the smart guys get The laugh on me.

Here's the diamond, Moose.

Oh, Kid, I'd like you to know Sam the Surgeon.

Sam, this is the Lemon Drop Kid.

Pardon the glove.

Are you a genuine doctor?

Practically.

Would have graduated if I didn't drop A forward pass in my senior year.

First doctor I ever met keeps what He takes out and throws the patient away.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'll be going.

Oops, oh, look, Moose, all I got is fifteen cents and a box of lemon drops.

You have one?

Moose, I haven't got ten grand.

I haven't got it on me or in me.

Trying to make me a sucker can be very painful.

Shall we prepare him for surgery?

Oh, now, wait, Moose.

Look, I'll get the ten grand.

I'll...

hey, "Only 23 shopping days till Christmas." If I only had till Christmas.

Where would you get ten grand?

Well, I'll have more of a chance If I could get to New York.

I've got a lot of friends on Broadway.

Name one.

Well, there's, uh, and then there's, Uh...

uh, he's not out yet.

And the, eh, OK, so they're not friends.

I tell you, I can still raise the money.

By touting two-dollar horse players?

No, I'll find a way.

It's all the same to you whether Sam kills me Now or doesn't open me till Christmas.

And if I get the money, you are ten grand ahead.

You see, Moose?

Picking up ten grand will be fun for you.

And k*lling me this way, it'd be so sloppy.

[CHUCKLES]

Moose, sure, I've always wanted to be a man about town, But not in little chunks, you see.

As, uh, uh...

Dead, I write ten thousand off the books.

Alive, possible asset.

OK, I'll be in New York for Christmas.

I want to spend it with my wife and kids.

They're in boarding school.

What if he runs away?

We'll find him.

Yeah, I hear you find people so good that after you find them, Nobody else can find them.

[CHUCKLES]

Kid, I got some property in Long Island, a casino.

Oh, I know the place.

They closed it down for repairs.

The roulette wheel started paying off.

I'm coming North to peddle it.

You have the money for me Christmas Eve.

Or Christmas morning, you'll find your head In your stocking.

My head in my stocking?

Well, that's not po...

oh, oh.

Thanks for a nice evening.

Merry Christmas!

[WHOOSHING]

[BELL RINGS]

[WHOOSHING]

[CLANGS]

Lucky thing for you, I came along.

Thank you, sir.

(GRUFFLY) Why don't you watch where you're going?

I would have blown my horn, but it's frozen.

[DOG BARKS]

[DOG YIPS]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

You see, the way the weather is, My paper sales have been a way off.

But I'll get it for you some way.

I got friends about.

Nellie!

I...

As I practically live and breathe, it's Nellie Thursday!

Kid!

Selling ice cream?

Ice creams.

Same old Nell.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Oh, and am I glad to see you.

You're just in time, Kid.

[CHUCKLES]

It's the newest thing in Florida...

the bikini sweater.

The gal that made it autographed it for me.

[CHUCKLES]

Woof, woof.

Kid, I owe Mr.

Egan some money.

You remember that twenty dollars you owe me?

What, a measly twenty dollars?

And I not only remember the twenty, I'm gonna pay it back and multiply it by twenty.

That'll take care of the four months' rent she owes me, And then some.

You keep out of this.

Listen, Nellie, lend me ten dollars, will you?

So I can get my winter clothes out of hock?

I can't go see my friends at the Sherry And the Ritz looking like this.

They'd ask me questions for which I'm out of answers.

Kid, you know you have not any friends at the Ritz.

Nellie, how can you say that?

You know I have.

Why there's...

uh, wrong hand.

Well, there's, uh, uh... don't worry, I'll give you the money back.

Get it by 6 o'clock.

That'll give you time to dispossess an orphanage.

You know, Nellie, I'd give you the shirt off my back If I had any underwear on.

Sure, Kid.

I know that.

It's not just for me.

It's for my husband.

You remember my husband, Henry?

Well, who doesn't?

Sing Sing Class of '31.

Greatest little safe cr*cker in the business.

Henry's getting paroled after twenty years.

He gets out Christmas Eve.

Gets out Christmas Eve?

Christmas Eve.

I may not be around to see him.

But I will, so I can tell him how we got no place to stay.

Yeah, well, what happened to that old folks' home That you and Henry were moving in?

Yes, Sunshine Home, huh.

Well, they turned down my application...

All on account of Henry.

They won't take an ex-convict.

Come next visiting day, I'm going To tell Henry to stay right where he is.

At least, it's warm up there.

Brr.

Papers!

Late files!

Stay with it, Nellie.

Keep your chins up.

Something will work out.

Well, maybe so.

I've been in worst jams than this.

At least, you're not alone anymore, anyway.

I'll see you.

[WHOOSHING]

Toot Shore, Polly Terry, D.

Cora, Pancho O'Dwyer, Grover William, Goldberg, Tony Burke...

[MUMBLES]

Brainey Baxter.

Ah, she still lives here.

Brr.

You're on your own, fellas.

Hitchhiker.

[HUMS]

Rrrh, mm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm, hmm.

I never saw it bloom before.

Ah, still works.

[WHISTLES]

[HUMS]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

What a crime if you had to die.

[HUMS]

Oh, a dandy.

[WHISTLES]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hrm.

I hate to leave you, but that's fate!

Oh, you doll, you!

[WHISTLES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

Brainey, you gorgeous doll, you!

You're late, Kid.

Oh, I came over as soon as I hit town.

Six months late.

You left with my coat.

You were going to pawn it for me.

I waited for you to come back.

Well, it's like this.

I was on my way back with your money right in my hand.

All at once, I heard about a big deal in Florida.

Well, I figured you won't need a fur coat in Florida.

You went to Florida, I stayed here.

Oh, Brainey.

Squaring the money I owe you in the coat is a cinch.

I just struck it rich in Miami.

(SARCASTIC) Mm, you look it.

Oh, you don't understand.

I'm out at the racetrack with some wealthy friends, And I get to thinking about the woman I love... meaning you, Brainey Baxter.

Naturally, I don't wait to change.

I grabbed the first plane home.

My luggage is on the way.

If Miami is fat, how come you left in such a hurry?

Oh, uh, there's a horse named Wedding Ceremony...

wins the second race.

Wedding Ceremony, that's a hunch.

It could mean nobody but you and I.

Now, look, Kid.

I remember how you operate.

No holds barred.

Now, let's not talk about a wedding ceremony Unless you're on the level.

Oh, I don't blame you for not trusting me, Brainey.

Sometimes I have days when I don't trust me.

But I'll do anything to be worthy of you.

Might even get a job.

A wedding ceremony and a job?

That's the greatest long sh*t parlay of the year.

Yeah.

I just wish I hadn't left my wallet in my new cashmere Slacks.

As soon as my clothes arrive, I'll take ten bucks and go right down And get a license.

That'll show you.

I've get ten bucks.

Yeah?

I'm calling your bluff, Kid.

We can get the license right now.

Oh, doll!

I'll be right down to the license bureau.

Oh, wait!

I'll slip into something.

Oh, don't, no.

No need you going along.

You stay here and fix up this place.

Remember, this is our honeymoon cottage.

Get a lot of champagne and confetti, huh?

And just stand there, just like that.

Beautiful!

All the way downtown, I want to remember you smiling.

But we both have to appear for a license.

Hey, Kid, wait!

[WHOOSHING]

[SIGHS]

My ten bucks.

He did it again.

[WHOOSHING]

Reunion, fellas.

Hrrrm.

[BARKS]

Mush, mush, mush, mush!

Mr. Charlie, according to our figures, You owe the government $31,400.

You mean to say, all that dough I Paid for protection isn't deductible?

Well, that money is just... what do you want?

Well, I was just passing by.

Thought I'd drop in to see my old pal Oxford Charlie.

How are you?

How's your feet?

They're k*lling me.

What are you here for...

Giving or getting?

Oh, Charlie, I'm cutting you in on a solid gold deal.

You'd be able to wear ermine oxfords With your share of the profits.

All you have to put up is ten grand in cash.

That's enough.

Throw the crumb out.

But all you have to do is plant a measly ten grand, And you harvest a fortune!

Throw him out.

Ain't I got enough trouble with income tax?

Oh, but, Charlie!

Listen, Oxford, I owe Moose Moran ten grand.

Either he gets it Christmas Eve or I get it Christmas morning.

Lend me the dough, will you?

You know what Moose will do.

I'll wind up in the river with a cement bathing suit.

I'll supply the cement.

Out!

Oh, but, Charlie, I...

Cha...

I'll leave my phone number In case you change your mind, huh?

I'm sorry, oh!

Communist!

[BELL RINGS]

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Help the needy!

Help the needy!

Help the needy.

Put something in the pot?

Oh, at least, you've got one.

Help...

thank you, sir.

Help the needy!

Thank you, lady.

Help the needy!

Help...

thank you.

Help the needy!

Thank you.

Help the needy!

Thank you, lady.

Help the needy!

[BELL RINGS]

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

[BELL RINGS]

Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho!

Me...

blessings on you, kind sir.

Merry Christmas.

Oh-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christ...

merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Chr...

ho-ho, ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry...

ahem, merry Christmas!

Ho-ho, ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

Jingle bells!

Happy yuletide!

Merry...

little something from Santa?

Merry Christmas!

Ha...

Well, if it isn't the Lemon Drop Kid back from Florida.

[CHUCKLES]

Merry Christmas!

"Save a Life." Who's life?

Mine.

Come on, Kid.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

I haven't done anything.

I'm innocent.

I'm just a small businessman.

I'm in the Santa Claus business.

Come along, Santa.

I'll phone for the reindeer.

Oh, I'll take a cab and meet you at the station.

Sidney Milburn.

Sidney Milburn!

Your Honor, that's the Lemon Drop Kid.

[BELL RINGS]

[CLATTERS]

[LAUGHTER]

[GAVEL BANGS]

The Lemon Drop Kid was collecting money for charity Without a license.

What charity?

His own, Your Honor.

How do you plead?

Well, Your Honor, I'd like to ask For a postponement of this case until January 1 When my attorney returns from Washington.

JUDGE (OFFSCREEN): Washington?

Yeah, he's down there trying to fix a parking Ticket for President Truman.

Milburn, how do you plead to this charge of panhandling?

Panhandling?

I was standing in the corner with my bell and kettle, Like hundreds of other everyday average American Santa Clauses.

You were collecting this money for your own personal gain.

Those other men are working for charity.

It's an organized charity and has a city license.

Eh.

Oh, a city license.

Mr. Milburn, I'm going to turn this money over To a worthwhile charity.

Ten days or fifty dollars.

Oh, but I haven't got fifty dollars.

And I can't spare ten days.

We'll arrange your schedule to spare it for you.

Next case.

Oh, but, Judge, please.

Your Honor, could I make one phone call?

Yes.

[COINS CLINK]

It's long distance, I...

[LAUGHTER]

[BELL RINGS]

Come on.

That judge didn't look honest to me.

For 18 years, he's been a member of the bar.

That's what I mean.

Drinking on duty.

NELLIE (OFFSCREEN): Hello, Kid.

Nellie?

What are you doing here?

Ask him.

He had me arrested for trying to get my personal belongings out Of my apartment.

But he didn't even want me to take Henry's picture.

That's the only picture he ever had taken.

Gee, hasn't changed a bit.

Let's go.

You woman beater.

Come on.

Grrr.

Come on.

Come on!

Uh, oh, hold it, hold it.

Hold what?

Hold these.

Judge told me I could call my lawyer.

You said your lawyer was in Washington.

Yeah, it's a firm of Duncan, Muncan, Schmuncan, and Brainey.

Boy, when my lawyer gets through with you, You'll be wearing your brass buttons at half mast.

Hello?

I...

oh.

Hello, is Brainey there?

[WHISTLES]

Yeah?

Well, hello, Brainey.

Hiya, honey.

It's a lady lawyer.

Brainey baby, where do you think I am?

Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

The license bureau, of course.

You married yourself.

How cozy.

Now, look.

I started for the license bureau, baby.

But on the way down, I stopped off at my old rooming house To get your photograph.

I like to look at it when I'm not with you.

Well, the landlord wouldn't let me in to get it.

So one thing led to another.

He poked me.

I poked him.

And where do you think I am?

[CHUCKLES]

In the pokey.

The pokey?

Stay there, just the way you are, beautiful.

I want to remember you smiling.

Smiling?

Look, who's smiling?

I'd...

[CHUCKLES]

Look, would you leave town for a couple of hours, please?

Look, Brainey baby, you got to listen to me.

Listen to you?

My fur coat listened to you.

My ten bucks listened to you.

I listened to you.

We're all fed up listening to you.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Brainey, we're on!

So long, Kid.

Merry Christmas!

And remember, if I don't get in touch with you, by all means, Don't get in touch with me.

No, Brainey, Brainey, Brainey baby.

Brainey, go to... right, uh, I, wha... here hold this.

She can't do this to me.

Come back here, Santa.

Would you... at least, I broke even.

OK, girls.

Back at 6 o'clock.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Some breakfast?

No, thank you.

Charlie, I don't know how...

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I heard about the Lemon Drop Kid going to the jug.

How much?

Fifty.

Out of my salary.

Hm.

You know, why is it every time I go for a dame, She winds up marrying the drummer?

About two blondes ago, I shell a lot Of fortune in orchids and pearls, She hooks up with a waiter.

Huh, yeah, a little fat guy.

Well, I'm not getting hooked up with any waiter.

The Kid pulled a couple of fast ones on me, And I'm not letting him get away with it.

He thinks he's safe in jail.

Hm.

Thanks, Charlie.

I'll pay you back in money.

Yeah.

What's the matter, Santa Claus?

Your reindeer gone through a red light?

Santa Claus hasn't been a good boy this year.

What did they find in your bag, Santa?

Burglary tools?

Riffraff.

You got a visitor, Kid.

Your family doctor.

Well, Sam the Surgeon.

You come to do your Christmas chopping early?

No, Santa.

I came to remind you what Moose Moran wants for Christmas.

I remember.

You know, Kid, jail's a silly place to try to hide.

Moose has more friends in than out.

Sam, you can put your Kn*fe in mothballs.

I got an idea that can't miss.

I know I can come up with the ten grand.

That's fine because some of the smart boys Are starting to get Moose to laugh, and Moose don't like it.

All we have to do is borrow Moose's casino from now Till Christmas.

Moose can't open it for high-class gambling.

You can't even open it for a bingo parlor.

Wait, you're talking to a genius.

You know Nellie Thursday?

She's in here.

She's got no place to live.

She tried to get into an old folks' home, But they wouldn't take her on account Of her husband's an ex-con.

Now, here's the idea.

I borrow Moose's casino.

I pretend it's an old folks' home.

I stick Nellie in there with a bunch of old dolls.

With them in it...

now, this part is kind of tough.

But I figure, uh, if I can work it, I can talk the city into giving me A license to collect for charity.

I further figure, I can get every mug on Broadway To help me do the collecting.

They all love Nellie.

She's such a grand old doll.

You trying to unload a mob of old dolls in Moose's casino?

Shh.

It's only until Christmas Eve.

By then, I'll have collected enough to pay off Moose.

This is the most legal double cross I've ever heard.

But what happens to the old dolls after Christmas Eve?

Well, can I help it if suddenly the collection money Just happens to get lost and the old dolls Can't afford to stay in the casino?

Moose will have his dough.

And I'll be in the clear, you see.

You're going to dump all those nice little ladies out On the street at Christmastime?

I wouldn't do that to my own mother.

Any bookmaker in town will give you 3-1.

Is it a deal or not?

Sounds crazy.

But that ain't my department.

I only to start operating if you don't pay off.

Where did you intern at?

The finance company?

And hey, Sam, there's a little matter of the fifty-dollar fine.

You advance it, and I owe Moose a round figure of ten thousand and fifty.

No, thanks, Kid.

I like having you in the deep freeze.

We can thaw you out in time for the holiday season.

Merry Christmas in just 15 days.

Merry Christmas.

15 days.

I got to get out of here.

I got to get out of here!

Please let me out of here!

Hey!

I should have said "please" a long time ago.

There's a lady waiting for you in the office.

She paid your fine.

[BELLS JINGLING]

(IN UNISON) Goodbye, Santa!

Delinquents!

Here's your receipt.

Thank you.

Brainey!

I knew you'd come.

Couldn't fight it, eh?

I don't know what I'd do to them.

Well, I guess, you're wondering about the outfit.

Oh, no, sport.

You always were a flashy dresser.

You don't know how it feels to be free again.

Well, you're going to be free about five minutes.

We're heading downtown for a marriage license.

Together.

Brainey, you're making me the happiest man in the world!

And there'd be no more dancing for a few measly dollars A week anymore...

not when you're my wife.

We'll make Oxford Charlie give you a raise.

Oh, I don't want to work...

Just think, in a few short weeks, We'll be Mr.

And Mrs. Lemon Drop Kid.

A few short weeks?

What's the stall this time?

Well, come on.

You'll be proud of me.

Oops.

Hic, hello, Kid.

Been watching television again, huh?

What's the charge, Officer?

Hey, will you stop rehearsing when I'm trying to talk to you?

Remember the time you win when it was your turn to lose?

Who hide you off for three weeks?

Nellie did.

But, Kid, what's your personal angle?

Button your lips, Swede.

Nellie is like a mother to you.

[CRASH]

Grrr.

Lemon Drop Kid?

I just don't believe you're not looking out For the Lemon Drop Kid.

But you got to believe it.

There must be hundreds of old ladies like Nellie Thursday.

They're all around Broadway.

Old dolls who can't get into homes because maybe they Rolled a lusher, pound a little homemade beer in the old days.

Maybe even your own mother.

They never hung no rap on Mom.

Straight Flush Tony, when you were down and out last year, Who staked you to a new deck of marked cards?

(IN UNISON) Nellie!

OK!

So everybody go home and get a good night's sleep.

We're all getting up at noon tomorrow.

There she is.

Remember, not a word.

This is a surprise party.

Hello, Nellie.

Kid!

Oh, Gloomy and Honest Harry.

Hey there, Nellie.

Ha, Nell, how does it feel to be out?

Cold.

Oh, my.

We got a hot car waiting for you.

Since when have you boys gone in for swiping this?

Oh, we thought you'd enjoy a little ride.

Thanks, but I'm walking.

There's a two-bit boarding house just around the corner.

Good, we'll drive you there.

Oh, you're crazy, Kid.

Wait, who pulls up to a cheap boarding house in a limousine?

Only old dolls with friends.

[LAUGHS]

Get in.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Why, Kid, isn't this Moose Moran's old gambling casino?

Moose Moran's old what?

NELLIE (OFFSCREEN): "Nellie Thursday Home for Old Dolls." What does this mean, Kid?

It's just a two-bit boarding house in Long Island, Nellie.

Whole field for a backyard, hot and cold running petunias, Southern exposure on all sides, stucco bathtubs.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there's A room for Henry with a nice big safe for him to practice on.

Hey, Kid.

Me and Goomba found this in the park... unlocked.

We thought it'd be nice for Nellie.

Oh, good work, Solly.

Put it out on the lawn.

She's loo...

looking good by the statue.

Statue?

Look, we don't have...

The general has been sitting in Central Park long enough.

We figure he needs a change of scenery.

You take that general and put him back on his horse.

Anything you say, Kid.

We, too, figured that general was lonesome without his horse.

They probably brought the pigeons, too.

Hey, Straight Flush, help them, huh?

You still think we carried you out here To get free newspapers?

You did... it is an old folks' home, isn't it?

Sure, it is.

The best.

We'll make that Sunshine Home rat Trap be satisfied with our overflow.

And you did all this for me?

Turns out you're the most popular doll on Broadway.

Every chiseler on the street is knocking himself out for you.

Kid, I hear about this place when it was wide open.

But I'm never inside.

It's strictly for swells.

Not anymore.

Any broken down old doll on Broadway is welcome.

WOMEN (OFFSCREEN): Surprise!

[APPLAUSE]

Nellie, in case you're needing some friends To play gin rummy or maybe a game of softball, We loaded up on old dolls.

Welcome home, Nellie.

Brainey.

You remember Mrs. Baumgarten?

Singing Solly's mother-in-law.

Singing Solly donated her.

Yeah, she'd be much happier here.

It's always a strain on the married couple with the mother Living in their house.

But it was my house.

Hey, Kid.

Come out here a minute.

Oh, right away, Gloomy.

See that Nellie meets the rest of the sorority, will you?

Kid, oh, it's oh so wonderful.

There's nothing I can say.

Just haven't got the words.

Good.

Let's keep it that way.

Say no yak-yak.

Pickle-nose found this nice little old lady Living in a shack under the bridge.

Well, hello, nice little old lady.

Welcome to the Nellie Thursday Home.

Thank you.

What's this?

My canary.

I've had her nine years.

Well, that's old for a bird.

She can stay, too.

Oh, you're a sweet.

[BIRD TWEETS]

You're sweet, too, Pickle-nose.

Bring the chair.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Bring her down.

Bring it out.

What do you got there, Hogan?

We got cream for their coffee.

[MOOS]

Shh.

You want to wake up all the neighbors' cows?

[MOO]

Shh.

We need a cow, huh?

Who do you think you are?

Hopalong Cassidy?

Put two of those mats on the crap tables.

We'll have to double up these dolls.

Chuck-a-luck and roulette are small, We'd have to squeeze two on.

Snap it up, Slim.

You look like a chambermaid.

Did the Admiral Hotel donate this linen?

Yeah, but we haven't told them yet.

OK, men.

[CLAPS]

Those aren't mattresses.

Of course not.

They're from Stillmann's gym.

They're wrestling mats.

You don't expect these old gals to sleep on bare crap tables?

Kid, you're not very bright, but your heart's In the right place.

Cut out the chatter and make the beds.

These old gals will be fussing out Of the powder room any minute.

I'll be glad to go to bed.

[GIGGLES]

I can stand for a little sleep, too.

Well, I'm sleepy, too.

These sleeves are longer than my arms.

Isn't it nice to be in there?

Ho, you look wonderful!

Maxie Rosenbloom didn't look that good when he was champ.

Such lovely beds.

So modernistic.

Yeah, we're just using the crap tables for a few days Till we get ahead in the collections.

Then we're putting in beds.

Beds?

Well, who cares?

Henry can come here Christmas Eve.

And we'll have friends...

Sure, now hit the sack, everybody.

Beddy-byes.

Who's playing the field?

Jump in.

Tamp the mat.

Oop, she's up, see.

You're sweet.

Tsup.

You roll off the table, it's no dice.

Now, go to sleep.

And don't worry about Henry.

When he gets here, we'll make him house detective.

Kid?

Yup?

There's something bothering me.

Yeah?

What?

Well, everything's been moving so fast, I just started thinking.

Kid, are you sure that Moose Moran turned this place over To us?

Oh, ho-ho, sure he did.

Now, you let me do all the worrying, will you?

Well, it's just that Moose never Struck me as being generous.

You can't tell about people, Nellie.

Some of the bad ones are good inside.

And some of the good ones are bad inside.

OK, it's getting late.

It's lullaby time.

Now, let's everybody snore it up real big, huh?

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Kid?

Yeah?

Would you tuck me in, too?

LEMON DROP KID (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Put the shade over the birdcage, wouldn't you, Kid?

OK.

It's like running a stale nursery.

Everybody go to sleep.

Any doll who isn't asleep in one minute Don't get any slugs tomorrow to play the slot machines.

Kid, could you leave the lights on maybe a little longer?

Oh, sure.

Relax.

Make like Moose Moran's casino is wide open.

You're throwing 11 sevens in a row.

The chips are building up in stacks.

Me and Brainey are here to deal you out a whole deck of dreams.

[SINGING]

We'll show you how to own a moon.

And how to bounce the world just like a toy balloon.

We'll show you how to have your way.

And help yourself to wishes on a silver tray.

You want to fly to Bali Hai or pick Another island you would like to buy.

How about Manhattan?

You can travel cheap when you're fast asleep 'Cause it doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We'll line our walls with dollar bills And use the wrinkled ones to wipe out windowsills.

Pour our old champagne down the kitchen drain.

No, it doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We will call at the president's...

tada, dah...

Family residence.

Pay off the national debt.

Are you a dreamer?

And if we find the president slightly hesitant, We'll say we have a lot left yet.

A fancy home.

Why, that's a snap.

To get from room to room, we'll have to have a mat.

Just to see this prize, only close your eyes.

It doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We play roulette.

We place our bets.

Twing!

We lose a million bucks and cut up Crepes Suzettes.

Call the US Mint.

What we need, they'll print.

It doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We'll have a maid who has a maid who Has a maid to serve the two maids lemonade.

We will spend our dough just like H2O.

Rent a town in Spain just to entertain.

Give the dice a spin, watch the chips roll in, If you pay attention to our scheme.

So won't you go to sleep, count some pedigreed sheep 'Cause it doesn't cost a dime...

shh...

to dream.

Lights out.

Oops.

[PANICKED CHATTER]

Must have pressed the starting gate.

Hey, Nellie, low bridge!

How do you like that?

The dice table went in the fireplace.

Where did they go?

Hey, we'll have to change Moose's wiring.

We don't expect any raids.

[CLICKS]

Hey, Kid!

What is this?

Well, turn it off.

Quick!

[LULLABY MUSIC]

What are you doing?

That's the wrong one.

What do you want from me?

I'm no electrician.

Get Orson Welles.

[BANG]

Hey!

Now, are you satisfied?

We start collecting tomorrow, and you hide the old dolls.

Get your burglary tools.

We'll have to dig them out.

Tsk.

[SIGHS]

Good digging, men.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, he's darling.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

The Happiness Boys.

Kid.

Yeah.

Haven't you forgotten something?

You mean, we didn't get them all out?

No.

That was...

You took care of the old dolls.

You know, this is the way young dolls become old dolls.

My, I'll order a rocking chair.

Make it a two-seater, huh?

[HORN HONKS]

I hate honking during smooching.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Come on, Kid.

I'm tired.

Let's hit the road.

You heard him.

One for the road?

OK, but drive carefully.

Men at work.

You'll never freeze that stuff.

Gentlemen, just as I pictured you.

Hey, pick this up a little, will you?

You look like a shoplifter.

Saint Nick don't smoke.

I thought I was supposed to be Santa Claus?

Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Saint Nick.

It's all the same guy.

Oh, I get it.

He don't give his right name either.

How are you doing, Professor?

Work it out.

Hey, Kid, there are no pockets in these things.

Yeah, we arranged it that way.

Hey, Straight Flush, let's hear you ring the bell.

[BELL RINGS]

No, no, no.

Not like you're trying to make it fall the hard way.

Jingle bells.

[BELL RINGS]

Oh, now, that's sweet.

You're going to do a big business.

Thanks.

Well, it's cold out there in the street.

Santa Claus don't drink.

Oh, no?

Well, how come he's always falling down chimneys?

Oh, that's great.

What did they do?

Cut that from the inside?

Now, don't scare too many people, huh?

Let's hear it from you.

A merry krismees.

Just work your own neighborhood.

Great, men.

Splendid group of men.

Now, don't look like you're handling hot reindeer.

Remember, this is a legitimate business.

We got a license to collect.

Now, just get out there and put your heart Into you work, just like you would if it was a shady deal.

Hey, Kid.

What about them other Santas?

Yeah, the streets are lousy with jolly old, fat guys.

We'll put the slug on them.

(IN UNISON) Yeah.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You can't go around putting the slug in other Santa Clauses, Especially at this time of the year when they're in season.

Now, keep your pots open and your traps shut.

We got to get ten grand.

It's a matter of life and death.

Anybody who doesn't collect their quota Is throwing an old doll out into the snow, and personally, Doing me a very dirty trick.

Attention, men.

Adjust boots, bellies, beards.

Now, go out and load your pots.

Forward march.

[SINGING]

Jingle bells, jingle bells.

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh.

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells.

Jingle all the way...

[BELL RINGING]

Help poor Nellie, folks.

Chunk it in the pot.

Be kind.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Thanks.

Santa, are you coming to my house Christmas Eve?

Oh, sure, sure, little filly.

Santy will be there Christmas Eve.

Are you going to bring a doll?

No, my doll's working Christmas Eve.

Oh, you mean a doll?

Yeah.

Sure.

[BELL RINGS]

[CLANG]

Sounded like a phony.

Give something for the old ladies.

Anything for the nice, old ladies.

[MUSIC - "SILVER BELLS"]

Give something for the old ladies.

Anything for the nice...

[COINS CLINK]

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Merry Christmas.

[CLANGS]

Oh, you Nellie Thursday Home!

He's hot!

Oh, man, is he hot!

[BELL RINGS]

[SINGING]

Silver bells, silver bells.

Let's put some doll in the kitty.

Chunk it in.

Or Santy will give you a mickey.

Silver bells, silver be...

oh, hi, Kid.

Hello, Brainey.

Hello, Gloomy.

Wait a minute.

You don't have to frisk me.

I ain't holding out on you.

Them shoppers just ain't breaking Loose with the guineas, that's all.

Well, no wonder they ain't chunking it In... the way you're growling at them.

Well, what's the matter?

You told us to sing, didn't you?

Sing, yeah.

But to mention money at Christmastime is vulgar.

You've got to work on their sentiments.

Be subtle, delicate.

[BELL RINGS SOFTLY]

[SINGING]

Silver bells, silver bells.

It's Christmastime in the city.

Ring-a-ling, hear them ring.

Soon it will be Christmas Day.

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style.

In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas.

[SINGING]

Children laughing, people passing, Meeting smile after smile.

And on every street corner you'll hear.

Silver bells.

I love this Santa suit.

Silver bells.

Just fill it up with loot.

[SINGING]

It's Christmastime in the city.

Ring-a-ling.

Oh, ling, oh, ling, oh, ling.

Hear them ring.

For me and my Marie.

Uh-uh, city license.

[SINGING]

Ring a ling.

Hear them ring.

Silver bells.

One, two, three.

And one, two, three...

Oh, goodbye, Brainey.

Bye-bye, Brainey.

Bye-bye.

So you're ankling the show, huh?

Just until Christmas.

The Kid has appointed me head chief doctor To watch over the Nellie Thursday Home.

What has that guy got that makes Everybody jump through a hoop?

The crazier the schemes, the higher they jump.

A lot of people who love Nellie don't think it's so crazy.

Smart girl, like you, gives up a job.

Every penny ante character on the street Blows his top hustling donations for your old wacky.

Maybe wacky.

But not penny ante.

This is big business.

Ho-ho.

Why, do you know that in four days, we raised almost $2,000?

All right.

So you collect... those baggy-pants Santas Raised two grand?

Mm-hm.

You see the Kid's got it here.

Here, let me.

Thank you.

You know, Brainey, your job will be waiting for you when You come back, which proves that I haven't got it here.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Shh, shh, shh.

Dandruff, huh?

Stand by, you Buffalo nickels, there's some Indians coming.

[CHUCKLES]

E pluribus unum.

[ECHOES]

Shh!

Quiet, Heady.

Quiet.

Giving you your spinach the hard way.

[CHUCKLES]

Funny nose.

[SINGING]

Silver bells, silver bells.

[INAUDIBLE], the loot is good.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Uh, it's you.

I thought it was a prowler.

A prowler?

Funny thing.

Here I am serenading the girl I love, And she thinks I'm a prowler.

Well, I heard some noise.

But I didn't know it was singing.

Uh, I didn't get to the chorus yet.

I was just out here casing the sky, thinking of you.

You know, every star up there reminds me Of the light in your eyes.

Twinkle, twinkle, little...

uh-oh.

Twinkle, twinkle...

That's kid stuff.

Honey, your fangs are showing.

If you get carried away, don't hold yourself back, ha?

[GASPING]

Kid.

Honey, don't ever lose me.

It would ruin you.

We must lean in on the Lemon Drop Kid right away.

Hey, you ain't figuring on us wearing the monkey suits And ringing them little bells?

Look, if the Kid can raise two grand in four days, We can raise lots more than that.

Sure, boss.

The kids got a herd of old dolls in Moose Moran's casino.

This is how he gets a license.

I know that.

I know that the license is made out To the Nellie Thursday Home.

So I figured that wherever Nellie Thursday is, That's the Nellie Thursday Home, you see?

Now, here's what we're going to do.

Look, girls.

Gentlemen are coming to call.

Oh, and they're bringing us flowers!

They must be valuable.

They're guarding them with a g*n.

Put that thing away.

You think these old dolls carry rods?

You can't tell.

What about that Annie Oakley dame?

Put that away, you...

All right.

All right, now, don't forget.

It's off with the hat and "please" and "ma'am." You got it?

Johnny, you stay here.

Bless you, kind sir.

Bless you.

Another day, another dollar, less taxes.

Thank you, ma'am.

Ma'am.

Me... merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Don't get shut out.

Everybod...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Ho-ho!

[CLINKS]

Oh, I'm sorry, the post is...

sorry, Your money is just spread out all over.

Let me help you with it.

You get the change.

Ho-ho, ho, ho.

Sorry, sir.

There you are.

Put something in the pot, sir.

Something in the pot.

Something for Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Hrrm.

Merry Christmas.

Meh... you do, ma'am, something for the less fortunate.

I'm afraid I haven't any change.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll handle it.

Wouldn't think of taking it all.

Merry Christmas.

Merry...

hello, Willie.

How do you know me?

Santa Claus knows everything.

Santa knows who knocked off that box factory at St.

Joe.

Santa even knows about Willie going In to case the bank setup.

Better put something in the kettle.

Why, you, uh...

If Willie doesn't put something in the kettle, Santa will stop ringing the bell and start Blowing the whistle for Dancer, Prancer, and Flatfoot.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

And a happy New Year.

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, there's nothing like coming home After a hard day in a windy corner.

Sure, you're going to have dinner with Brainey.

Me, I end up with some of them overripe pin-up girls.

I could have gone to the Waldorf.

The Waldorf?

How dare you?

Don't be dishonest.

This money belongs to the Nellie Thursday Home.

Huh?

But where is the sign?

Oh, Tuesday wash day, I guess.

Hey, the door is open.

Probably out playing night polo.

First time you pressed the button, And something didn't come sh**ting out of the wall.

Hey, what's that?

[MOOS]

It's just a cow.

What's a cow doing inside a house?

Milton Berle is on tonight.

Brainey?

Nellie?

Where is everybody?

Yeah, fine welcome after knocking ourselves Out collecting that dough for them.

Oh, they must be around...

the dough!

It's gone!

Sure, you're holding it.

No, no.

I mean the collections.

I have them hidden in here.

I thought nobody knew about it but me.

Uh...

No one but me, huh?

An Oxford Charlie.

Who else wears a custom-made 14 AAAA?

Come on, we're going to Charlie's place in Nyack.

[MOOS]

Help yourself.

There's milk in the icebox.

Get in the house.

You want to catch cold?

How do you like those petty larceny crooks?

They even stole our sign.

Boy, what a surprise party.

They'll never expect us.

Come in, gentlemen.

You were expected.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I figure when he comes to me for the money.

Look, do you mind holding on for a minute?

No, I'm in no hurry.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

Well, Kid.

Well, it's nice to see you.

What'll it be?

Bourbon, scotch?

Just pour out our old ladies and make it snappy.

Ah, take it easy.

The ladies are perfectly happy upstairs in real beds.

Kid, Save us.

We're prisoners!

Mrs. Feeney tried to call the police, And they hit her false teeth.

Kid!

Oh, we'll get our things.

We'll be right down.

Yeah, hurry up.

You know, Kid.

You're a genius.

Just to think that I used to have you Figured for a small-time chiseler.

And here you are making a circus out of all the con men On Broadway.

Where do you get that sucker stuff?

We don't figure a chance to sucker Just because he gets honest at Christmastime.

No, don't change the subject.

We're here for the old gals.

I say you're the biggest suckers In the world because here you are, out collecting money For the Nellie Thursday Home, and every cent goes right Into the Kid's pocket.

I don't believe it!

We don't either.

Neither do I.

You just can't trust A character like Oxford Charlie.

Straight Flush, you used to work for Moose Moran.

I've got Moose on the phone now in Florida.

Ask him why the Kid is collecting ten grand.

I'll ask him.

Hello?

Who is this?

[CHUCKLES]

Wrong number.

Here, give me that!

Don't worry, Kid.

We're with you.

Hello, Moose.

This is Straight Flush.

Oxford Charlie's trying to tell us The Lemon Drop Kid is something less than on the level.

Yeah?

Hm.

I guess we are the biggest suckers in the whole world.

I thought the Kid was my friend.

And there I am, standing on the corner, wearing a hokey suit, And ringing my little bell.

Hey, what happened to the Kid?

I know what's going to happen to him.

Let's find him.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Forget about the Kid.

Moose Moran will take care of him.

From now on, you guys are working for me.

We'll squeeze every dime out of this racket.

And there'll be a big fat cut for everybody.

Kid!

Kid, I think that you are the lowest thing...

Now, Brainey.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I can explain everything.

You've been explaining dirty tricks Since the first time I met you.

Well, I had to raise ten grand.

Did you want me to get k*lled?

That's the best idea you ever had!

How can you be so low as to, uh...

I didn't realize the old dolls would take it so big.

At least, they're going to be around for the payoff.

On Christmas Eve, Moose Moran is going To mark me "paid in full." That's eight days off.

What do you expect me to do?

Steal the money back from a hoodlum like Oxford Charlie?

Why not?

Then at least, somebody around Broadway Might shed a tear for you.

That's more than I'll ever do again.

How much on this ring?

[STORE BELL RINGS]

Your wedding ring?

I'm sorry, Nellie, but I'm loaded up with wedding rings.

Oh, Rupert.

You got to give me something on it.

It's for, uh, well, tonight's sort of a family reunion.

OK.

Take it off.

I'll have a look.

Haven't had it off a long time.

You women are always in such a rush.

What are you trying to do?

Heist her jewelry?

Kid, I got enough trouble.

What do you want from me now?

Look, Nellie, a bunch of swell guys collected a lot of money For you.

I'm not going to let a cheat, chiseler, And a crumb gum up the worse.

You mean Oxford Charlie.

Who?

Yeah.

Say, how did you get out of his place?

Where are the other dolls and Brainey?

Still in Nyack.

I waited for my chance, and then I sneaked out.

Yeah, well, if you can sneak out, I can sneak in.

I'm going to get that money that belongs To you and the other old dolls.

Kid, don't try it.

You'll never make it.

Why, Charlie's got guards all over there.

And he's...

Look, look, Nellie.

I've got an angle.

Now, listen to me, just once more.

I want you to round up all the boys.

Take them to the courthouse.

Get a hold of the judge.

And...

[CROWD MUTTERING]

[THUDS]

[LAUGHTER]

Step...

get out of my way!

Hello, Chief.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

That'll be 95 cents.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, yeah.

[HUMS]

95 cents and a dollar for yourself.

Oh, no, mother.

You don't have to tip me.

(LADYLIKE) Really?

Well, here.

Have a cigar.

[SINGING]

It doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We'll line our walls with dollar bills.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Yeah?

(LADYLIKE) I'm a poor old lady who haven't got to eat, Kind sir.

And I heard this was an old lady's home...

Sure it is.

But we're up to our ears in old dolls' mouths.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, but I have no place to go.

All my life, I've had to scrimp and save To support my children.

I've sewed till my eyes b*rned, cooked over a hot stove day After day.

I even have to take in floors to wash.

Sorry, old doll.

No dice.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, please, sir.

If you turn me away, I'll have no place To go except to the authorities.

Eh, uh, hold it, ma'am.

Eh, come right in.

I'll talk to the boss.

Seeing as you're a poor old lady who hasn't got to eat, Maybe he'll change my mind.

Wait here while I put in a kind word for you.

(LADYLIKE) Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

[HUMS]

That's an old lady?

Boss, she was trying to get out the window again.

Nellie's disappeared.

And somebody's got to find her.

Brainey, I warned you to stay in line, Or I'm going to have the boys...

I'll get out of here any way I can.

All right then.

Take her back to her room.

And stick with her until it's time to move them all out.

And what about the new old doll outside?

Well, one more for a couple of hours won't hurt anything.

Besides, we can't have her going to the police.

All right, show her in.

This is her, boss.

(LADYLIKE) Mrs.

Beasley.

Mrs.

Herbert Beasley.

Well, welcome to our home, Mrs.

Beasley.

You know, you're just in time to move to our new location.

See, the other girls are just going to stay in this house Until Christmastime.

Then they move to a real mansion.

Big as a casino.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, that sounds wonderful!

Does it mean that you accept me as a guest?

Mm-hm.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, I'm so happy, I could cry.

[SOBS]

All right, all right.

That's...

My medicine.

(LADYLIKE) My medicine.

Oh.

Hey, Maxie, take her in with the other nice old ladies, Will you?

(LADYLIKE) Oh, I'll never forget you for this.

You're a good man.

You're a very good man.

Ah, forget it.

(LADYLIKE) Thank you.

(ANGRILY) Hey, nice old lady!

You've got the wrong bag.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, my goodness!

I did make a mistake.

Clumsy me.

[GIGGLES]

Heavy, isn't it?

What are you knitting with?

Steel wool?

Hm.

If I could only afford some new glasses, I...

[GIGGLES]

[SINGING]

It doesn't cost a dime to dream...

Ladies, meet a new member of the club, Mrs. Beasley.

How do you do, Mrs. Beasley?

(LADYLIKE) I know I'm going to be Happy with all you nice people.

So nice to have you.

Hm, you poor dear.

Sit here.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, thank you.

[HUMS]

Mm-hm.

Isn't this a lovely home, ladies?

We hate to disillusion you, Mrs. Beasley.

It's a great, big, hard old jail.

(LADYLIKE) Jail?

Dear me!

But the warden...

uh, the superintendent Seem like such a nice one.

That's not the superintendent.

He's Oxford Charlie, the racketeer.

(LADYLIKE) Horrors!

He's as big a hoodlum as The Lemon Drop Kid.

Hm.

What are you working on, dear?

[GASPS]

(LADYLIKE) Oh, ha, ha.

Uh, after Gen.

Custer was massacred, Mr.

Beasley Insisted I carry his p*stol at all times.

Indians, you know.

Hm.

[CHUCKLES]

Pesky redskins.

What in the world are you knitting?

(LADYLIKE) Uh, a mop.

[CHUCKLES]

Hard to get them anywhere.

And they go so well with my Argyle scrub bucket.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Eh, don't you think a larger sized girdle would, uh, Be much more sensible at our age?

(LADYLIKE) I take it small.

Always have.

Dear Mr.

Beasley, he was so proud of my hourglass figure.

You still have your hourglass figure, dear.

(LADYLIKE) Thank you.

But most of the sand has gone to the bottom.

(LADYLIKE) Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

There we go, old girls.

Everybody get ready.

We're moving out.

The Old Flower Shoppe is going to make another delivery.

Come on.

This is outrageous!

[LADIES MUTTERING]

(LADYLIKE) That was a short visit, wasn't it?

My yarn!

(LADYLIKE) Oh, yes.

Mm-hm.

Oh!

[CHATTER]

Come along, dear.

(LADYLIKE) Coming, coming.

My coat.

My coat!

They're out in the truck.

You dog!

Come on, old doll!

(LADYLIKE) Coming, coming.

[DOOR SHUTS]

What do you think you're doing?

I thought all you nice old dolls had left.

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm not a nice old doll.

And I'm not leaving.

And I haven't got a g*n!

The Lemon Drop Kid!

Watch out!

Oh, no!

Impost...

[THWACK]

Ow!

Ho!

God!

Ugh!

Hey!

My foot!

Where is the...

oh!

[GROANS]

[CLANGS]

No!

Oh, uh, excuse me, boss.

KID (OFFSCREEN): (LADYLIKE) Stop it!

You're hurting me!

Let go!

You're wrinkling my dress!

You're mad!

He's busting my hip!

Someone save me!

Save me!

Give me that!

[THUMP]

Ugh!

[GRUNTS]

You called me, boss?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Young man, get out of my way!

She's the Lemon Drop Kid!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Stool pigeon!

Why, you!

(HIGH-PITCHED) No!

No!

You wouldn't hurt no lady with that!

[CRASH]

(NORMAL VOICE) He did.

CHARLIE (OFFSCREEN): Get her!

He's got my money!

That's the Lemon Drop Kid.

Let's get him!

CHARLIE (OFFSCREEN): Go around that way!

He can't run in those skirts!

Ma'am, d*ck Daniels.

People Patrol.

May I be of service?

(LADYLIKE) Well, thank you.

Harriet Beasley, Pony Express.

The mail must go through.

Thank you!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

(LADYLIKE) Oops!

Watch out!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Come on.

Get it out of here.

Back it up.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[HUMS]

Whoa!

[TIRES SCREECH]

(LADYLIKE) Excuse!

Oops, pardon me.

[SHRIEKS]

(LADYLIKE) Pardon me, my room's on fire.

[SHRIEKS]

Whoops!

[CLANG]

You all right, mother?

Mother?

I'm not even married.

[MEN CHATTER]

Did you see what I saw?

Yeah, I saw her.

Did you see an old lady?

Yes, she's in there, Officer.

Yeah?

Not for long, she ain't.

Did you see an old lady in there?

An old lady?

Ah, ha-ha, very funny.

I heard it.

Who was that old lady I saw?

Ha-ha, very good.

I'm with the towel company.

Hrrm.

What's this I hear in Florida about an old dolls' home?

It was the Kid's idea.

I told him he was crazy, but that's How he figured to raise the money.

I don't want old dolls or anybody else Fooling around here.

The New York cops would love to hang one On me for opening this place again.

We collect on the Kid, and then lock it up tight.

Hi, Kid.

Sam tells me you raised the ten grand.

That's good.

Yeah.

I got it all counted out for you.

Here you are, ten thousand even.

Say, it's almost Christmas, just fifteen minutes more.

Wouldn't you like to settle for five thousand just To show your Christmas spirit, huh?

Would ya...

75 hundred?

No spirit, huh?

You can forget my presents.

You don't have to...

OK, ten thousand even.

Paid in full.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, Moose, hello.

When did you hit town?

Just arrived, Charlie.

Had some collecting to do.

Oh, you rat.

That's my money bag.

Where's my 16 grand?

Oh, well, here it is.

I just borrowed it.

There you are.

Now, you're paid off.

And you're paid off.

And everybody's happy.

Let's shake hands and wish each other a Merry Christmas, huh?

Just a minute.

You owe me ten grand.

Oh, yeah, you're the one.

There you are.

You don't have to work it out.

I've done my share.

Why you chiseling...

Sam!

[CHATTER]

We can't have gambling here!

Get that switch, Sam!

Get the switch!

Ho, how's that for a switch?

Go!

Let's live a little, folks.

Solly, they're bolder.

- Get him there.

- Let me just b*at him!

Let me...

Place your bets!

Stay there.

Hold your saddle.

I won't let them hurt you.

Come on, Solly.

Eight's the winner!

[SHRIEKS HAPPILY]

This thing's a frame-up.

How'd you guess?

And according to my schedule, here come the police.

The joint is raided!

Please, sir, did you see my bicycle?

I'll buy you a new one.

Come on, men!

Come on, boys.

This is it!

This is a raid!

OK, boys.

Stand where you are!

[SHRIEKS]

Oh, this is great.

I'll make you a captain.

I am a captain.

OK, an admiral.

Moose, you're under arrest for running a gambling joint again.

This isn't a gambling joint.

It's a...

it's an old dolls' home.

Are you kidding?

Take them out.

Now, just a minute!

What...

Where do you think you're going?

Well, I'm getting out of here.

I don't own this place.

You can't pin anything on me.

Charlie, we've been watching your charity racket From the beginning.

This money was collected for the Nellie Thursday Home.

And that's where it's going.

Arrest him, Officer.

Oh, now, somebody call my...

hey, let go of my feet!

And I'm going to keep an eye on you, Mr. Milburn.

You won't have to, Judge.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

I'll never be caught again.

Say, thanks for everything, Judge.

If you ever want a winner, call me.

Everybody, ladies and gentlemen and all the rest of you, You were great!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Nellie, it worked.

Well?

Nellie!

Your husband, Henry, he's a-coming.

He's a-just a-passing the statue!

Oh, ho-ho, this is it, everybody!

Goomba, pull the switches and get rid of the tables.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

Brainey, don't go away.

Brainey, don't go away.

I want to talk to you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Nellie.

Welcome home, Henry.

Aw.

You look very pretty, Nellie.

It's nice to see you, Henry.

Henry, this is the Lemon Drop Kid.

He's responsible for all this.

Thanks, Kid.

Oh, it's deductible.

Come on in, Hank.

Here's our guests of honor, Mr. And Mrs. Henry Regan.

[CHEERS]

It's almost 12 o'clock.

Time to serve the ice cream.

I'll get the napkins and the dishes.

Goody for you.

It's your party, Nellie.

Come and cut the cake.

Where is the silverware?

Sam the Surgeon said it was in the safe.

How do we get it out?

Out of the safe?

Yeah, how do we get it out of the safe?

The safe.

Oh, no.

Not me.

But it's an inside job, Henry.

Nothing illegal.

Sort of a guest sh*t.

I just did twenty years for safe cracking.

So we can't serve the ice cream without the silverware.

And the whole thing is in your honor.

Besides, you can't stop all of a sudden.

You have to taper off.

Well, uh, I'll have to take my keepsakes with me.

Oh, the stuff is here, ha?

[CLATTERS]

Wonderful, Henry.

Good luck.

Excuse me a minute, Nellie.

What are you up to now?

Oh, I'm up to here, you're up to there.

What a parlay, huh?

Hold the phone.

You've got that fixed race look in your eye.

Don't you see that's lovely?

God, I'm free to get married.

Oh, you poor little doll, you've been waiting so long.

But it was worth it to you.

Now, you got me.

But we can't afford it.

I haven't been working lately.

Relax.

I have everything planned.

[BLAST]

[SHRIEKS]

But what are we going to use for money?

Don't worry, honey.

I'll hock the silverware.

[MOOS]

Quiet, Crosby.

[MOOS]

[FANFARE MUSIC]

[MUSIC - "SILVER BELLS"]