I played by the rules.
Where'd it gel me.
When people are in an economically depressed slate.
They start looking around as to how they're gonna help themselves...
and when they have no options.
The most dangerous guy in the world's the guy that's backed up with no options.
And sol return home... to the last place on planet earth where men of honor.
Real men. still exist.
When you come back to Chicago, you come back.
Feel like where you belong.
You see the lake and all them beautiful buildings to the west, you know? It's the best city in the world.
I'm moving back.
Jesus Christ, would you drive the car? Come on.
No, you heard me right. I'm moving back, I'm driving into the city even as we speak.
My job adios-ed to India.
Finished.
My teaser rate spiked. My bank account cratered.
"Gm No, no, no. I dug the hale but they gave me the sub-prime shovel.
Yeah, well, you know mm it is.
R all went south and I was ajerk and then she lefi and now it's just me and the Batmobile.
Chicago goal by number nine - Bobby Hull
Oh, Uncle Dom, thank Jesus.
That's my Uncle Dominic.
He's the only guy I know in this whale bullshit world with a recession proof job that don't take sh*t from nobody.
When Uncle Dam graduated high school.
He looked like John Travolta and, hell.
Today he looks better than Travolta.
My Uncle Dom is my mothers very Sicilian brother.
He's... connected, you know?
Hey...
Damanooch, how you doing?
Salud.
I thought you got booted.
[FOREIGN DIALOGUE.
OK.
Salud.
Salud, huh?
Some of my fondest memories were when Uncle Dom would take me to lunch with all of his... friends.
He drops dead on the f*cking track.
I'd sit at the end of me table.
I was one of the guys.
It was great.
Hey, salud. Hey, little guy.
Drink some wine It's good for you.
Ifs 0K?
Sure. Cent anni.
What's cent anni?
Cantu anni - may we all live (or 100 years. Salud.
You flying In make an assh*le out of me?
Dam. Dam, mill out, man. You'll gel your money.
Chill out? Chill the f*ck out.
I like that You want me to chill the luck out?
As a kid. I always looked up to Uncle Dom, but... he kind of scared me loo.
Huh?
Dam, Dam, you don't understand.
I understand. I'm a very understanding guy.
Oh!
I'm an understanding guy. Yeah.
Na!
This ain't no Islamic Republic. Right'?
Islamics are animale, yeah You steal from them, they cut off he hand that did the stealing.
Yeah. No!
I'm just gonna trim your fingernails.
Na, don't!
Yeah.
No, please don't. Na, Dom, nu, nu!
Can you imagine?
Oh no, please don't! Argh!
Whoa!
I know, I know. you might think that Uncle Dom is a mean spirited. Self-indulgent guy who thinks brutality and intimidation are the only ways to deal with the world.
Gel him out of here.
Oh. sh*t. I forgot the kid.
Hey Joey... come here.
We were kidding around. We're just kidding around.
Uh-oh. Check out Mr Waterworks.
But you know what? In me end...
Uncle Dom was right.
Crime does pay.
And the straight worid... it ain't so straight.
You're gelling screwed. We're all gelling screwed.
Pull the f*cking SUV out of the f*cking drive-through, drop me Big Gulp and join the f*cking Jihad m*therf*ckers. Whoo!
Oil price went up 200, the dollar dropped 192.
Everybody's worried.
Today, ifs dog eat dag.
Tough times and tough areas make tough people.
Joey! Joe)'
Ma.
Oh, Gad bless you Joey. Oh!
Hey heaufilul gin.
. My Joey.
Ma, what is this?
This? Well, I'm clumsy. You know, I gm old bones.
Oh, you're not old, you're a hoilie. But what did you do?
Oh, never mind that. You should see the other guy.
Ifs about time you got home. I need you here now.
Hey, ma, I'm here, I'm home. Let's be happy That beautiful face.
Came on. Nothing but smiles (mm now an.
There he is.
The prodigal son of Sam his self.
Uncle Dom.
Came here.
Ok, he's here. Can we eat something now?
I'm wasting away to naming here.
Hey uhh?
Hey, how you doing?
Haw you doing?
Na, haw you doing?
Haw you doing?
Whoa!
NI!
Well, shall we eat'?
Please.
Beautiful.
Ah... good.
Chew!!-
You remember how sol! Ma's aiways were?
Haw did she do that?
What was her secret?
They're just like Ma's, what are you talking about Dominic?
Oh yeah, come on. I said they're good.
All right. There was a downtown restaurant that wanted my meatballs. My meatballs.
All right came on. Calmfl. Oalmfl. eh?
I said they're good.
Come on. even with your busted wing they're good.
Ah! You see this? This is also a deadly w*apon.
I'm gonna give you a cr*ck in Acrack in me head.
That's the Italians.
They help each other out, they give this, you need that.
You need something to eat.
Yay!, some here, have a cup of c... hey, hey, hug, kiss.
You can'! rush art.
Both of you. Ok, I'm good to go.
Get a sh*t of We Damone and I.
Oh.
I'm in.
Homecoming.
So what's the deal with this thing?
Are you leasing this airmail carrier or what?
Lease to buy. I'm sick of audio visual, man.
Cutting my commissions and cutting my commissions
[FOREIGN DIALOGUE.
I'm gonna advertise it like a party bus.
Squire hot chicks around the loop.
Wicker Park, high rollers In the river boats.
I hope so, man, because I am having visions of you doing nothing but running corporate clones to O'Hare and back.
You know, they lucked up this whale country.
Good jobs. hasta la bye bye.
Devon, busied. The hanks. Hushed. Pro-sports, f*cked up.
Even pom has got...
Actually. Yeah.
The pom is better. Yeah.
You know they sh*t the Little Rascals...
What do you mean, sh**ting?
. You know what that is?
What is Mat?
You call Terri?
Terri. Terri who?
Yeah, right.
Hey, this is Terri. Wail (or he beep.
Hey, Terri, what's going on? Leave a message.
Hey Terri. I'll gel back... if you're nice to me.
Terri, voice (mm the past.
I'm back in town.
How about coffee or a beverage or a talk'?
Nothing more. Nothing less Hello.
Haw you doing?
Maybe I could make belated amends for my manifold sins.
Manifold sins?
Mmm.
Mmm.
I'm glad you're hack.
Joey! Did you go to that gin Toni last night'?
Joey! Did you go to that gin Toni last night'?
I got up at two o'clock and you were not in your bed.
Her name is Terri. ma.
And no I didn't because we bmke up seven years ago.
I'm not telling you what to do.
I was girl-Mends with her mother for years.
I know, Ma. That's how we met.
You know how they say that when you meet the woman you're gonna marry, you just... you know it... right away?
Slop it you.
Hand of God, just give it a try, one time.
Mrs Joseph Neidemuan.
Hmm? Mrs Joseph Neidemuan. I mink it sounds pretty good.
Hmmm.
You gonna be home for dinner?
Hey, Unc, would you meet me on Friday?
Sure, nephew, what's up'?
I wanna talk in you about something.
sh**t.
Ah, on Friday.
All right.
We admired them, you know?
They always had nice clothes and new oars and, you know.
And we tried to set our pattern after them.
Now, what nobody knows is that the Chicago outfit has always been the best run, the most profitable, the most powerful in the entire country.
Dude, what the luck are you talking about?
f*ck! Be careful.
Outfit guys, they're men of honor.
Hey, drive, lady.
Real men, clear moral node. You mink you're gonna find that anywhere else here in Dumpiuckislan?
Think they would have taken my muse W I'd been with my uncle?
Oh come on, man, you can't muscle a bank.
Bullshit. You could muscle anybody.
Oh! Tony Montana.
Say hello to my little friend.
Agflt.
Wail a second - this is your plan?
Your new start'?
You're gonna join the Mafia?
Na, not the Mafia.
The Outfit.
I thought you were broke.
Oh, he Oulfk. OK, solid.
You're out of your f*cking mind.
Oh, I am? Well, why don't you take a look at this country'?
Take a look at you - what's your big plan?
Joe, seriously.
You're a nice middle class kid.
You're gonna join the freakin' Mafia?
Society's going ¢*°W" fundamentalism is hot and everybody's running scared.
They grab on. they reach for the familiar, the old time - g*ns. religion.
Pro wrestling.
Haw you doing?
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
The Outfit. that is the classic example.
Na. How you doing?
I'm not flipping burgers I'm not flipping f*cking burgers.
Na justice. No piece of ass!
NI!
Why do you think me Italians and me Jews sinned the Mob in the first plane?
They couldn't gel jobs.
Couldn't rely on the government.
The oops.
That sh*t's the same today.
For justice we must go lo Don Corleone.
20 million guys in this country wanted to be Michael Corleone.
Your payment is three months past due.
I will get your money. I just need a little time.
By the hand oi God, please just don'! lake my muse.
For English, press or say one.
This is America, speak f*cking American.
Oak Tree Loan is a debt collection service.
All of our representatives are currently helping other customers.
You may visit our website at Ah. f*ck your website. I wanna talk to a human f*cking being.
I'm sorry, that is not a valid entry.
Listen, please just don't take my house.
I'm Please, just... ...that is not a valid entry.
Dan'! lake my house.
Three months past due.
I'm a good guy.
Debt collection service.
I ran into some tough times. That is not a valid entry.
Dan'! lake my house... take my house...
They visualize it as real life. You know? Like on the Sopranos.
Sopranos. I thought that was garbage.
They make it look glamorous and, for the times that it is glamorous, there's a lot more times that it's not.
Uncle Dom goes ho LA about once a month to pick up what LAowes Chicago.
In the glory days, it took about ten guys to do this job.
Now.
It's just Uncle Dom.
The last man standing.
Dude, what the f*ck are we doing?
Are you sure this is cool?
It is totally cool.
The last guy in the world I wanna f*ck with is your uncle.
NI!
You ought to pay me for the lessons I'm giving you today, pal.
f*ck you, old man.
So what? They're gonna let you in 'cause of your uncle?
I gotta go through him.
Out of respect.
What, you wanna be a chauffer the rest of your life?
Nothing beats money.
You can have Marilyn Monroe here.
Ava Gardner here and the money where I'm silting.
I'd push them both out of the way and grab the money.
Uncle Dom's guys eat here all the lime.
The mlini with the sausage crumble, ooh, rocks.
Back in the day.
My old girlfriend Terri used to work here.
Hey, can I gala burrito?
Yeah. All right, 3.75.
You know what? This is a $20 box of 12 gauge double ought buck.
Ox.
Thanks.
. $20 a day. Three day, $60.
$50, you dumb illegal? I said 50, that's what you get.
We build wall. $80, (hit was deal.
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Back oll, hack off. Come on.
Who the hell are you?
Need some help? Nice jacket.
Here, hold this. I'll lake care of these guys.
Look, I will make this warm your while. Ah! Ah!
These are men.
Hard-working men.
And you are cheating hem.
Oh, are you f*cking nuts?
What kind of moral code is that, you sleaze?
[FOREIGN DIALOGUE.
Hey. keep your shirt on sunshine.
Si. Gracias. senor. Gracias.
What file RICK?
Senor. senor.
Na.
Jesus. Jesus, hey! I want some answers.
Jesus, what the hell are you doing over here?
You missed your last shift.
Miss Terri, I surly, I got second job.
Buss cheat us. Hut this good mister...
Joe?
Hey Terri.
What are you doing?
Well, this guy was flying to cheat your Mend, so...
Na. What are you doing here?
Oh yeah. Listen, hey. I came back to tell you that you complete me and you civilize me and you make this cold, bitter world not so cold and bitter.
f*ck you.
Oh, ok, but listen, I'm on a quest to recover some personal honor and making amends to you, well, mat would really mean a lot to me.
I would like to ask your permission to take you for a beverage or coffee. if you like, just to talk.
Naming more, nothing less.
I'm working.
I got your bus boy back.
I got your bus boy back.
Hold on. You b*at up that guy just to help Jesus?
Yep.
Joe Neiderman, good Samaritan.
Give me a sec in wrap my brain around that one.
Joe! A f*cking g*n?
Hey. uh?
Ok, well. Here's another one - night after night. I dream about having a child.
What?
Achild, a baby. a shining beautiful perfect child, I swear on my mother.
Look, when you and Dr Freud get done blowing each other...
Hey, month. That's my mother.
Still driving the Batmobile but, I don't know, you're... you seem different.
You left me... seven years ago 'cause you didn't want kids.
I know. Ok, hold an.
Now. out of nowhere you show up and expect me to buy this Lifetime TV sensitive daddy wannabe crap?
You said it yourself I'm dilferenl. These limes. They change people.
You crying?
What's next?
The day they mail my balls home...
Yeah.
L just want you to lick the envelope...
Mhmm.
And stamp that m*therf*cker.
You know I'll be checking the mail every day.
Gel out of here.
Naw I know where I gel it.
I've never been to bed with an ugly broad in my life, Joseph.
Yeah. I woke up with a few.
So. Unc... what... what would you say... what H' I told you that I wanted la, you know, get in?
What are you talking about'?
You know, just... like, gel in, you know?
In what?
To, you know, your... business.
You know, the life.
You f*cking nuts?
I'm serious.
Gel out of here with mm sh*t.
You tried telling me before. I wouldn't listen to you.
Hey, stop and right now cease and desist, all right'?
Unc, I'm totally serious.
Hey Joseph, you don't know he first f*cking thing you're talking about, all right?
Yeah. but I'm willing to leam I'm willing to start at the bottom.
Hey, my life ain't a f*ckin' Wal-Mart, all right'?
I never filled out an application.
Whatever it takes.
What are you busted?
Here.
No. No way. Not this time.
There weren't any jobs.
The Italians virtually had to fight for everything they got It was out of necessity.
They had to form an organization.
You're talking about the Outfit. The Case Nastra or. like.
Michael said in the Godfather. Whatever you wanna call it.
And what's this bullshit you're talking about, our thing, lhislfle, the Case Nustra?
What, you sit around all day watching Sopranos?
Are you f*cking stupid?
I know ifs not like it's on TV. f*ck, I know.
No, you don't know.
I grew up watching you. Wanting to be like you.
HEY-
My father d*ed. I was seven years old.
My dad d*ed when I was nine.
I'm gonna bust your ass for this.
Came on. Unc.
Joseph.
All right.
Hypothetical.
Okay.
Strictly hypothetical.
Somebody comes in you.
They say, 'Ga to mat guys dour."
Now, this guy you don't even know. right?
Go in his dour. Take a baseball bat...
Ah! Ah! Oh!
Ok, nu!
Bash his head in.
NI!
Ah! Ah!
You gonna do it?
Yeah, absolutely, for a good reason.
No. nu. there's no reason.
Somebody told you lo.
That's the reason.
Please don't... please don't hurt me. Please. Ah! Ah!
Well, now, lime predicament.
You gotta do R, right?
You gotta hit him. So what do you do?
NI!
You hit him.
Oh, 0k.
Then you gotta hit him again.
NI!
Right? And you gotta keep hitting him.
Things are gelling bad now, Joseph.
Oh, what did I do? sh*t.
I broke his arm. Oh!
I broke his leg. He's begging you now, right?
Crying like a f*cking baby. Right'? “Please. please.“ Please. Please.
Things are taking a tum for the worse mm.
What are you doing? That's my son. Argh!
But you're into it now, right? You're into it. You're getting into it.
NI!
Why? Ah!
You keep hitting them and you keep hitting them and you keep hitting them. And why you gotta hit them, Joseph? You hit them...
'cause you got lo, right?
You gotta hit him. Why you gotta him?
'Cause I! you don't... somebody's gonna come back right now.
Ah! Ah!
Yeah. They're gonna do R to you.
Could you do it?
Whatever, yeah, ok.
What?
Whatever, yeah.
Ifs not whatever, Joseph.
It's not what it used to be you know'? Kids today.
Came on, nine guys out of ten. They end up dead.
They're dead, they're in jail.
All right, 'cause years ago Joseph, men learned.
They learned keep their f*cking mouth shut.
Anybody [axing any time today, some on, they call 911.
They f*cking call their mom.
It's over, Joseph. it's over.
There's no honor.
You, Unc, no honor?
Your uncle might be me last of a dying breed here, Joseph.
But you, you come from a family, a home. Understand?
You're a square.
I'm a square?
You're a square.
I'm a square?
Yeah, you're a square.
Oh, well. that's good to know. I'm a f*cking square.
Hey. settle down, all right'? You know what your father'd say if e was sitting there right now?
Nowadays, a real man ain't gm a chance.
Every guy I know is a p*ssy.
Wash your mouth out with a bar of soap. You don't..
Give you a f*ckin' b*ating, pal.
You know what'? You don't have a son.
You never had a son.
All you got is daughters You don't understand.
The young guy§. They're disappointmg Their priorities are all mixed up.
In them days. It paid to be a crook.
The oops had no wire lapping. They didn't have DNA.
I! a witness didn't say. 'Yes, I seen him sh**t him," you were free.
I can'! believe that you grew up here.
Nice suburb. Good schools.
Dude, we met in kindergarten, right?
I grew up in Oak Park loo. Does any of this ring a bell?
Johnny Cross. Johnny Cross grew up on Taylor Street and when he made boss, he moved to Oak Park... this very house.
They hung him from a meat hook.
One mile from where we grew up The Cross.
Johnny Crotch d*ed here. dat very f*cking house.
And they took an electric cattle prod.
You ever notice that when you talk about the Outfit, you start to talk like that'?
Talk like what'?
And they shoved it right up his ass.
You clip the 'g' oll' 'ing' wards. This becomes dis.
f*cking every other word. f*cking this, f*cking that.
You know, the deeper that you get into his Outfit folklore.
The less articulate you become.
Na I don't.
Yes you do. You start to talk like a tough guy.
Or at least your tortured mind's idea of what a tough guy talks like.
Hey. uh?
Hey, how you doing?
This is exactly my point.
Na, haw you doing?
Can't help yourself.
Why you gmla piss an everything I do?
NI!
There was so much juice just zapping this poor little mutt on the meat hook.
His fingers now, right'?
They swell up like sausages.
Like sausages. Yeah.
Hey. urm?
Yeah, you were supposed to make it big a long time ago.
Yeah, I would get to ride your coattails.
Oh, mars funny.
That was the deal.
That has always been the deal.
But this... this Outfit sh*t.
And blood... starts pouring out his eyeballs.
f*ck, dude.
What is if?
Is it an att*ck of fem-itis?
Yeah, are you a (em?
Fem-ifls?
Yeah.
f*cking (em-his? Fem-itis?
Go easy. I'm just asking.
What we're 12 years old again.
I'm just asking. Unbelievable.
All of a sudden, his little d*ck, it went pop.
Came on. Came on.
One. Two. Hut.
Like a f*cking water balloon.
Come on man, do it. Hut! Oh. sh*t.
Hell of a mess.
Hell of a mess.
sh*t.
f*ck...
Dam, more coflee cake?
Hmm. Na, I gmla gel going, yeah.
Sweeei!
That's him.
Hey!
So what kind of a Ted Mack stunt was that'?
Hey, listen - if I'd have known he was your nephew.
I mean, he mid me his name was Joe Rich. Huh?
Look, I asked you (or your help, you said no.
HEY-
Hey, thanks for this. Nicky.
Na problem.
Came on, you.
This is a little different, though, Sam.
Because behind you they had the lines for your height.
Hey... listen, no nephew of mine...
I see the job you did on that midican's face.
Maybe I'll find something for you.
Yeah?
Yeah, see what I can do.
Jeez, thanks, Unc.
Work for me. you do as I say. hmm?
No more of these amateur theatricals.
Absolutely.
Joe Rich, huh?
Yeah.
Joe Rich?
Joe Rich.
Joe Rich.
Joe Rich. bitch.
Wail.
Bitch.
f*ck.
What did you say to me? Hmm?
You see this slmnze? You see what he's doing?
He's taking action off little wet-nosed those kids.
College kids.
That ain't no manners. No nothing.
Kids today.
NI!
Let go. Come on now. Go get out of here, fucker.
In my neighborhood.
You f*cking mutt.
I tell you, he owes street tax and then some, you know'?
On top of that, look at him - he dresses like some half-assed g*dd*mn maulie.
You know what'?
Bust him to zero.
Bust him to zero.
Joe Rich. What's that, you haven't heard of me?
Joey, are you in there?
Na, it's We Damane.
What?
Yeah, Ma, it's me. Who else would it be?
Joey, what was that?
Naming, Ma.
That's haw Grandpa Joe got colon cancer.
You wanna read go to the library.
Yes. mother.
Well. I'll tell you what I don't need. is the humiliation so...
What humiliation?
Let's just bust this guy to zero.
Ok, tough QW-
That's smooth. Barkeep, two more, and pour yourself one.
I like us like this.
Oh, sure you like us like this.
Because you get to have all the fun while I walk around and I'm all.
"Oh, look at me, I'm so noniused. I got manhood issues.
Oh boa-hoa."
I think I suffer from a Madonna whore complex.
What's so complex? Madonna is a whore
Ah, come on, drink.
Ah.
Ah.
The f*ck is this?
I bring a sword and will cast fire upon me earth.
Whoa.
Dude!
Gel out.
What me f*ck is your G, man?
You violated a clear moral and ethical code.
No, I saw Dom this morning I paid up. What the f*ck'?
sh*t.
This is better than Halo.
Dude, please. I paid up, in full.
Look, I'll call Dom right new and he'll tell you.
Dam is my uncle. Yau stupid f*ck.
I paid. I paid, I swear to Jesus. You gotta believe me.
I got nothing lell, men, except f*cking Bears.
f*cking Bears, man.
Bring him over.
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do, dude?
Na! No! Na, nu, nu.
Please don't.
You flying In make an assh*le out of me?
No, you gofia believe me, I wouldn't f*ck Dom.
I said are you trying In make an assh*le out of me? Go ahead.
Na, nu, please have mercy on me.
Well, look it that.
I hope that's not the hand you jerk off with, pal.
Where's your f*cking money? Let's see what you've got.
Na!
Oh, sh*t. g*dd*mn son of a hitch.
f*ck, he pissed his pants.
Please. Please, I got no money.
Shut up. Shut the f*ck up.
Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
Shut the f*ck up.
No! Don't f*cking do it. Please don't f*cking k*ll me.
Let him go.
You got piss on your hands.
Let him go.
Oh Gad. Oh Gad.
Gel out of here. Gel out!
Get the f*ck out Get out!
God damn it.
What me f*ck was that?
Dude, what the f*ck?
I almost got him.
f*ck!
What a f*cking mew. What a mew.
I did my last thing...
30, 25 years ago.
It felt better than f*cking.
I'm making pork chops.
OK, Ma.
It was your fathers thing.
You gonna be home for dinner?
Yeah, Ma.
I'm sorry, Ma.
From our favorite schoolboy.
Yeah?
Ifs no problem.
I just taught him good manners and a moral code.
Is he out of business?
I put the scare into him. He pissed his pants.
Not bad, nephew.
Came on.
Ohhh!
Yo, Domanoach.
Hey, how you doing? Long time no see. All right?
Hey, some on, you're way behind.
You know my nephew Joseph.
Joe, haw you doing? Joey. Joe, he's y...
Remember this guy, right? That's lime Joey?
Petey B... hasn't changed a bit.
Hey, all glowed up.
Yeah. Careful 01 these two, Joe, right?
You know this?
Hard cases. Arch criminals.
New So what's Tr*mp, then?
Spades.
Spades is Tr*mp. What do you mink?
Hey!
You don'! bring one for my nephew? Go, now.
Hey, Unc, rs ak.
Petey, give him yours.
Hmm?
Kid's cumin' right hack, give him yours.
Sure. There you go. Joey.
Thanks. Salud.
Salud, Joey. Salud.
Hey boss. All right, man.
Goad seeing you.
You call me, ok? Don'! He an assh*le. Whoop!
It went good.
It went good.
They can he a couple of real.
See you tomorrow, right?
See you.
Hey, huh? Hey, mm?
You get a guy like. Well, say me.
I did a lot of dirty work for them. you know'?
Now a spot opens up where you can make $3,000 a week.
The big boss says. 'No, rs going to my nephew," and they bypass a guy like me.
That's what weakened the family.
Hey, listen, check it out. Brought you a flower.
Mmm, a red rose.
Haw ordinary.
Came on. wail a second.
Ordinary? Na, nu, this is a Vulcan rose.
Never heard of it.
Petey eats lunch here almost every day.
Slop it, Joe, ok?
Just stop.
You're playing games. Seven years ago, now.
Na. Terri...
I should have figured that could be trouble.
Hey, listen in me. Listen. Hey, listen In me. Listen.
But all I was thinking about I love you. I have always loved you and I will lave you (or as long as I live.
Who- Who are you, Joe Neiderman?
Who are you?
Terri...
I'd like to use one of my lifelines on this one.
Fine.
I can play games loo.
Women are the bloodthirsty little bastards, you know?
Yeah.
They go to a hockey game.
They dun'! wanna see a guy score a goal.
They wanna see a guy whack a guy with a hockey stick.
You are gonna love this.
Your uncle got this for you... and it's signed by Bobby Hull his self.
Oh yeah?
Chicago goal by number nine -
Bobby Hull!
Assisted by number nine - Bobby Hull!
And number nine...
Bobby Hull.
Oh no. All!
Time of the goal Bobby f*cking Hull!
Oh, Uncle Dom, thank Jesus.
I ought to put my shoe so tar up your ass you'd he scraping Shihola oh' your teeth.
You know that kid by the beef shop?
He's dating Josephine, moron.
Your daughter Josephine? Yeah, what did I tell you?
I told you to bust him to zero. To zero. right?
f*ck.
Zero.
He shows up at my house last night with a ring.
A ring? Gad damned engagement ring (or who?
My 'WY? My daugmer; My Josephine?
Where'd the money come from, Joey? I don't know.
Where'd the money come (mm?
You f*ck.
Top of mm my buddy Jim.
My buddy Jimmys the offoer at the hank.
Flagged your ponied credit card ap'. What's that about?
Dan'! make it worse.
Showed me the bogus signatures you wrote for what'?
Cash advances? From your own mother? My sister? Hey!
My sister broke her f*cking an'n grocery shopping, for you. you f*ck.
NI!
f*ck you, looking at? Get out of here.
I'm talking in my nephew.
Oh Gad. Come here.
Oh.
Will you get it through your head, you're a square.
You understand that? You're a square.
That's a good thing In he.
Ifs a good thing.
You're not the least bk like your uncle.
You're a square.
Came on. Let me buy you a drink.
No, no, no, I gotta... I gotta take care... I gotta go.
Ah.
Your nephew broke the strap on my Dino Bigionis.
Boom, he smacked me. knocked me off the chair and everything.
Yeah. you know. You hadda hing badda boom... heat the hell out of me.
A severe beefing was administered because somebody did something or somebody stepped out of line to the point where... he had it coming.
I made a mistake in my lie and I deserve for R everything I got.
Got a lot of regrets.
Shoulda went to school. That's the biggest regret.
Relax. Nobody's gonna get hurt Oh, accelerate, please, for the love of God.
Now, listen. Johnny Cross did the exact same thing - he kidnapped the biggest policy guy on the South Side and convinced him to retire.
Now, the Cross took over the whole South Side.
Sent him 25 percent like clockwork and he made the Outfit millions.
Made him boss.
The old Joe must die.
Joe Rich. Joe Rich. Joe Rich.
They used to call him.
Very well dressed but no money.
The dd MIR market?
Yeah, what's left of it.
This was all supposed to be condos.
The developer bought north of the university, so when my dad d*ed Ma couldn't bring herself m sell this place for
[FOREIGN DIALOGUE.
The old cooler.
Apples, nectarines, plums floor to ceiling.
Fruit and sawdust. You can still smell it. huh?
And these walls.
They're three feet thick...
.just like your head.
f*ck you mo.
Are you gonna do this thing with me or what?
Ah!
You can'! rat on people and you can'! steal from them.
I mean. 'cause. you know.
Mars like signing a death warrant, you know?
If they gm rid of the word F-U-C-K.
There wouldn't be any dialogue at all.
Came on.
I lake a hall, John Belushi.
This time it ain't for a h*m* panic. Come on.
Lick my halls.
What does it mean. I'm glad you're hack?
I'm glad you're hack, you're living with your mother in her basement I'm glad you're hack?
I'm glad you're back and not such a big sh*t any more with your tail between your legs.
I'm glad you're hack? Hmm?
What does it mean. I'm glad you're hack?
What is wrong with you?
Us...
A downtown resiauranl wanted my meatballs.
Hut all oi a sudden my son becomes the Galloping Gourmet over here.
They're gonna (all apart.
They're not gonna hold.
There's gonna be naming In hold them together.
Ma, do you have in control every blessed thing I db.
Even when you're a figment of my imagination?
They're not gonna hold together.
They're not gonna hold.
They're not gonna hold together.
Meatballs?
What's with the meatballs?
She put them in the boiling sauce while they were raw.
We call it gravy. A lot of people call it sauce.
And for some reason or another, R kept them... extremely sol and moist.
That's a trade secret.
There he is.
Little chef Jew-boy Ardee his self, hmm?
Hey, Unc.
You take care of manning?
What Ming?
With our female family member.
Yeah, I cut up the card, I made a payment an the balance.
Goad buy.
I'll slay a minute, I gm a handball game.
Oh. why don't you stay two minutes?
Try a meatball, because grandma gave me her secret.
Hey, got the wine.
Hey, not had.
You know, for a guy who's not a real Eye-lalian.
But a half a Heb, huh?
I don't know what you are.
I'm a Sicilian Jew.
I'll k*ll you. but I'll feel guilty about it.
Hey big guy, you UP?
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't, no, no, don't gel up.
You light headed? Just sit still.
Ah.
What the hell happened?
You passed out, Unc. Gave us a hell of a scare.
He's ok. You're feeling all right, right, Uncle Dominic?
Yeah.
Went down like a sack of meat.
Ah.
Here's a washcloth.
I think it's time that you take it a little easier, maybe slow down a little bit.
What file hell?
We was having lunch... right?
Yeah, at your dad's old plane.
We're still at dad's old place.
Your gym hag... that's right here.
Only now, we're in the cooler.
Thai chain. Ifs stainless steel.
I got a proposal to make.
Do you know how much gotta be in there?
Three, (our hundred K at least.
You got a proposal, huh?
Bernard. go get the camp toilet.
Reassemble it and bring R back here.
HEY-
Two. At least two.
Well, excuse me. Mr Got-Rocks. At least two.
He's f*cking with me. You f*cking with me, Joey?
I gotta go back in there.
Jesus, give him a break. Let him lake a sh*t in peace. He's...
f*ck with me. Gad damn it.
He's pissed all enough as it is.
I'm your uncle. I'm your family.
I will break you in f*cking half.
Ah, mars your first reaction, I don't blame you.
Come here, you. f*ck, ow! Argh!
Jesus.
f*ck.
God damn it.
Oh, oh, oh.
I busted my nose.
Oh God damn it!
I'll be back in a little bit.
Well, don't get last. He's your uncle.
It's not wrong to extort money from people but you don't take it from your own people.
If you're gonna do it. I mean if you're so inclined.
There's lots of other people you can take the money from.
My Grandpa Joe Laprada.
When he would be picked up by the oops.
Well, you never tell the cops your real name so... he would hell them his name was Joe Rich.
Joe Rich?
Yeah, and now... that's my name.
I'm working for my Uncle Dom now.
I get it.
What?
Nothing, just explains a lot.
I'm turning a big score.
I could buy a house.
I could take care oi you.
I could take care of a baby.
Everything we always talked about.
Everything I always talked about.
Everything that always sent you screaming into the night.
That was a different guy.
You know, I still take my temperature.
Like, ten limes a day.
Yeah?
I know exactly when I'm ovulating.
I weigh myself, like. Ten limes a day.
Yeah.
So I know exactly when I'm fat.
And?
Na, I'm sorry, rsjusi... you know what it is?
I always thought that having a kid was all about ego.
There was this Heinlein story.
I don't remember which one.
Hut mere was a line mm went like.
A sperm and an egg come together to form a zygote.
A zygote is a lerfilized egg.
I know what a zygote is.
Sony. And men it goes...
I think we just discovered the meaning of life.
What are you thinking? Do you know what they're gonna do when they find you. you heeb bastard?
Now, what the f*ck are you thinking?
I'm lhinkin' you need to retire.
I what?
Ref ire.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Give me this again.
Retirement. as in it is time for you to retire.
I retire? Yeah.
What, 'cause you say so?
Na, because it makes sense.
Now, would you just listen to me for. like, two minutes?
This is your chance to get out before the G gets you before the IRS... before you break your daughters heart.
You said it yourself.
Nine out of ten guys. They wind up dead or in jail.
Now, the beauty part is you're still gonna be earning -
25 percent.
The only dilference is...
we're partners now.
You and me.
HEY. you gofia he hungry, huh?
I went to Rosa's got that rosemary skirt steak, like you like.
I do me work, you supervise (mm the farm.
That ain't that bad.
How money you got buried out there, anyway'?
HEY-
Now you take your g*dd*mn rosemary skirt steak and shove it up your ass.
What's that supposed to be, Joseph?
Is that your sh*t-eating grin. Huh?
Or you gonna cly now. Mm girl?
Hmm? Mr Waterworks.
Yeah.
Now, you get me the f*ck out of here before you both get what's really coming to you cause so far, nephew, I've been very tolerant of your little ball and chain routine here and your bullshit f*cking games.
Playing dress-up, huh?
What is this. My favorite Martian?
Bernardo, gel your ass over here.
Ok, so my nephew's got his head so far inside your assh*le.
You g*dd*mn rat bastard punks.
I swear to Christ.
I'll make you wish you never breathed my f*cking name.
God damn you, Joseph.
Joseph, tum that g*dd*mn music down.
God damn you.
Tum that f*cking music down.
f*ck.
Tum it down!
I'll rip your f*cking eyes out.
You f*ck.
God damn you.
Tum that g*dd*mn music now.
Tum it down.
Your relative's transporting something that some friends of ours are waiting for.
Plane landed fine.
Nobody's seen him since.
Couple days now. More.
I may be a f*ck-up.
Hut I got yau in the bag so... what the f*ck dues mat say about you, mm?
Huh, Unc?
You talked to him?
Listen, sonny, this is g*dd*mn serious.
You let certain people know that you are designating me heir apparent.
You?
Ok, Pete, Pete, hold on for a second. whoa, whoa, whoa. OK. so he had some sort of mini cardiac something event with his heart, I don'! know. Hut allerme plane.
He was at my Ma's for lunch.
I've been taking him to the doctor for the past two days.
Jesus Christ.
It's crazy. It's messing with his head.
Thought it was his heart.
It is. because it's making him freak out because he thinks he's gonna die.
Bullshit me. I'll suck the eyeballs out of your head and piss down the holes.
Wait for a second what did I do?
Haw about this, huh?
Uncle Dom don't deliver overnight guaranteed and in Ml.
He's worm food.
You too. you little f*ck.
I could make you bacon and eggs, like you like.
Oh, no thank you Ma Me and Bernard.
We're gonna go to Wisconsin get some fishing done.
I really got to gel on the mad.
Oh yeah?
But you wanna go fishing mommy'll take you fishing.
You're a doll. Gotta go.
You wanna go hunting. Mommy'll take you hunting.
Oh, hank you, baby.
There's only one thing your mother can'! do fur you.
You know.
Yeah, ak, I gotta go.
If I could do that.
You wouldn't need those nasty girls at all.
Joey! Did you hurt yourself?
Joey.
Are you hurt'?
Joe.
Be careful driving, Joey.
Dan'! pick up any hitchhikers.
Ah.
All right, now you listen to me.
I am a desperate, selfish little f*ck, just like you said, but we got the answer to both of our problems right here.
Are you f*cking nuts or what'?
Hey Joe...
You're lucked up an dope? What?
Let's end this thing. I don't wanna see you like this.
Hey Joe, what do you think about maybe we.
Shut up!
What's the matter with you?
Ah, look, you don't have to see no-one.
No embarrassing public appearances.
Give me mm f*cking hag.
Give me the hag. Give me the f*cking bag.
Dan'! hi! him.
I'm not gonna... f*cking hell.
He's my uncle. For Christ's sake.
Think I'm gonna hit family'?
But you know what?
Agun.
Agun is a wonderful thing You wanna know why?
Because it distances you from aggression.
Yeah.
And it still gets the job done.
Yeah. Huh?
Hey, you want aggression? Come here.
Gel close. Yeah.
Came on, gel personal.
Gel personal.
Hey! You got a head on you like the top of this f*cking table.
You make hat g*dd*mn phone call. I'll deliver the hag... and evelyane lives happy ever alter.
No, Joe, Joe... double ought buck makes a hole this big.
Uncle Dom, you son of a bitch.
You're f*cking up, kid You're f*cking up.
Joe.
Came on.
Shut up!
f*cking...
Let him go.
Nobody's really gotten hurt yet.
I'm soared.
A... an att*ck of fem-itis.
Jesus Christ.
Recipient oi the Na Balls Peace Prize.
Absolutely. Oh my God.
That's me, like, big lime.
No. No, I'm not winding up at the bottom again. Not again.
Come on, everybody winds up on the bottom, man. Does it have to be today'?
Let me ask you, Uncle Dom. What would you do? Huh?
Hey!
Would you put the g*n down if you had the drop on someone the way I gm me drop on you?
Your dad d*ed. He let you down.
My an d*ed. He let me down.
Every male role model in my lie has let me down.
Except Captain Kirk, but even I know he's not for real.
Joe.
Joe, don't.
Are you for real. Uncle Dom?
Don't let me down.
Joseph... you're gonna need 27 doctors when I'm done with you.
This is a f*cking Monty Python, for Christ's sake.
Uncle Dom.
Tough QW-
Came on.
Came on.
A man.
There were men... and I guess you have to look at somebody and say, "That's me way I wanna he. That's the way I wanna grow up."
ls he awake?
He's cleaning up.
Did he drink his orange juice?
Did you talk to him?
Ifs all mere.
Haw you doing?
Hey, Unc...
are we ok, you and me?
You are a desperate selfish little f*ck.
Just like me.
Ah.
Put R on me she...
Let me finish my little bird bath.
I made gravy and meatballs.
Probably should hold the meatballs.
I've had enough 0l your meatballs.
Well, you should eat some pasta then. Carbs.
I mean, you gotta eat.
Thanks, nephew.
Salud.
Salud.
Salud.
Gel Up!
You think you can do that to me and get away with it?
You mm rat bastard.
Came here.
Hey! Na.
f*ck.
I'm gonna k*ll you.
Just do it, Unc.
I wanna see you do it.
Came on.
Just push the f*cking button.
I'm gonna k*ll you... and your m*therf*cking meatballs.
Then what are you waiting for'?
Do il.
Just f*cking do it.
DO it. do il. do it DO it!
NI!
Holy sh*t.
Holy sh*t.
Oh.
He was gonna k*ll you.
I know. He was supposed to.
What?
You out of your f*cking mind?
Ok, I need you to go to your mom's house and slay there until I call you.
Well, you
you wanted honor.
Ifs d lfs d You're ok, you're ok.
Oh, his is f*cking... I... what do you mean... Lfs d he was supposed lo?
It's ok. It's ok, forget it. You saved my ass. Shut up.
I need you in go to your Ma's place and slay there, d Just don'! go out.
You sh*t...
your Uncle Dom.
You punk.
Na, Unc. I... no. It wasn't me.
I didn't think you could do it.
I didn't think you could do it.
You did it.
I didn't think I could do it either.
Joe Rich.
Joe Rich.
Joe Rich.
Hey, Unc, let's get you to the emergency room.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here.
NI!
Ah! Hey, huh?
Hey, Uncle Dom, hey, huh?
Haw you doing?
Ooh. how you doing? No, how you doing?
You know, Joseph.
I think of you a lot more like a son than a nephew.
Always have.
I wasn't gonna do it, Unc.
I couldn't do that. How could I do that?
You're my uncle, for God's sake.
I'm gonna dump you in the Des Plaines f*cking river?
He said he'd give you me bag?
Came on Petey, haw long have you known my uncle?
He got his pride, he don't want anyone to see him like this.
He'll give meme bag. I give it in you.
He just wants in disappear.
Disappear. Gel mat f*cking bag... or we're all Casper the Friendly Ghost Calma. Calma.
Dam's gm it all figured out From now on. I make the pick-ups and the deliveries.
Every17lifl9'59°“-
Hey. Come on. Came on.
Listen...
I gotta go out of town for a few days.
This is (or you and for the baby.
My; Baby. Joe, we had sex yesterday...
Mhmm.
L don'! know I! I'm pregnant.
I mean. there's no way I could know.
Yeah, hut I know.
Right, you know.
What do you know?
I know that our baby... is sleeping inside you right now and my mom is very excited Your mom?
Your mam always hated me.
No, she only ever wanted for us to be happy.
Now.
Look in the bag.
You tell the kid mat his lather was a priest who stole from the collection plate.
You know what? No, no actually... you tell him mm his lather was a warrior.
Tell him he d*ed on the moss to save all mankind.
Who... who are you?
I'm Joe Rich, baby.
Who are you?
I...
I am Mrs Joseph Neidemuan.
And I will defend your sawed honor for as long as there is air and life.
You're not gonna clip him, are you?
Clip him? Kid, you watch be many movies.
Nobody gels hurt I just want the bag.
Watch the cross streets.
Jesus.
If you do something wrong, you know, they.
I don't know. you know?
From what I hear, you know. If you do something wrong ifs your tum to go se Jesus.
His last words were. 'Jesus help me. Jesus help me.“ That's good. This is good stuff for the... Huh?
Hey Bernard, I got your bagels.
Onion, like you like.
Yes, I have the hag.
Yeah, everything's good.
They just want the hag.
Yeah, we're in.
Oh buddy, we are f*cking in.
Hey, uh? No. how you doing?
Yeah, Forest Preserve, south of North Avenue on Thatcher.
Ox, bye.
Bernard saved my life.
He's the best friend I got in the world.
Hell, right now he's the only friend I got in the world.
On the other hand... Bernard did k*ll Uncle Dom.
Whalwauld Uncle Dam do?
You know, Unc...
I actually wanted you... to sh**t me.
I figured if I was k*lled by a real man...
well. maybe I could be reborn... as a man.
Finally a man.
I guess it's pretty f*cked up Yeah, it's pretty f*cked up.
Ah.
Who would Jesus whack?
Joe!
Motheriuck.
There's some blood on it.
It's like that Patty Smith song...
Jesus d*ed for Somebody's Sins.
But not mine.
Blood.
Death.
Rebirth.
Every S0119-
Every movie.
Every everything
For all you people watching... to live long, you gotta smoke.
Drink.
f*ck.
And suck.
And you'll live a long lie.
Return of Joe Rich, The (2011)
Moderator: Maskath3