02x04 - A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

[bunniefuu]

For most students, the weekend represented two days of fun, freedom, and in the case of my brother, a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene.

Come on, come on.

To me, however, it represented an unwelcome break from education.

Whoo!

Thank the Lord!

But this wasn't a typical weekend, because this was the weekend I got to do my parents' taxes.

Howdy do, W-2.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪ ♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪ ♪ I am a mighty little man ♪ ♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪ "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Mom, I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12 percent compared to last quarter.

Any idea why?

There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.

There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.

I've been buying groceries for the church food drive.

I think that's it.

Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.

With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.

Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

None of that is necessary, it's for charity.

What's the point of charity if there are no tax benefits?

Eat your peas.

I like how he's thinking.

You eat your peas, too.

Dad, banking question.

What's that, buddy?

I noticed there's a check missing.

I have a copy of check 128 and a copy of check 130, but 129 isn't there.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

But I enjoy worrying; I find it very relaxing.

'Course you do.

I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.

All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.

I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

I'll go ask Mom.

Wait.

I just remembered.

I gave the money to a friend.

- Who?

- It doesn't matter who.

Why'd you give it to them?

They needed it.

It... it's like charity.

Ooh, another write-off.

Excellent.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you say we keep this quiet?

You mean like a secret?

No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.

What about Mom?

Mom is on a need-to-know basis.

What if Mom needs to know?

Okay, it's a secret.

Just trust me.

It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.

But I'm not good at keeping secrets.

It's not hard.

Just keep your mouth shut.

But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.

"Be cool." He might as well have asked me to fly around the backyard.

- Good night, baby.

- Night, Mama.

- Love you.

- Love you, too.

Oh, hello.

I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night.

Nothing new there.

You all right?

Yes.

I'm cool.

I'm very cool.

Tell Sheldon what cool means.

Hush.

Sweet dreams.

Love you.

Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom.

You're so weird.

More than usual?

No, I guess not.

Perfect.

To avoid looking suspicious, I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible.

Thankfully, it's rude to speak with your mouth full.

You look tired, baby.

Sleep okay?

Mm-hmm.

So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get?

Mm.

- Mornin'.

- Mornin'.

I slept in the nude last night.

Felt every little breeze.

Thank you for sharing that.

You're welcome.

Fight, you cowards, fight!

You fight, Skeletor.

Mare, we got any batteries?!

Look in the drawer by the refrigerator.

There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.

What are you doing in there?

Keeping your secret.

You got to pull it together.

This is me pulling it together.

- Pull harder.

- Find 'em?

Yeah.

Got 'em.

Thanks.

You're very welcome.

Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?

Uh, no, no, no.

Can't say that I have.

Why?

He's been awful quiet, and at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.

How do you know that?

Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.

He's still keeping that thing, huh?

Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.

Uh, well, I'm sure he's gonna be fine, uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.

- Thank you.

- You got it.

- She's gone.

- Thank you.

Batteries are in this drawer.

We got a problem.

I don't know how much longer Sheldon can hold out.

This is why I did not want you to write a check.

Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't have that kind of cash lying around.

I do not want Mary to find out about this.

Well, what about Sheldon?

The kid hasn't pooped in days.

He might pop.

Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice, he'll be fine.

Why don't we just come clean?

All right, sure, we could do that.

You could rat me out to Mary and...

I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.

Come on.

Now you're just playing dirty.

We sink or swim together, George.

We sink or swim together.

Grandmas are supposed to be nice.

What went wrong with you?

Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.

Hello.

I'd like to book a room in your hotel.

I'd be arriving tonight.

No, it's just me.

Ooh, a queen bed.

That sounds fancy.

And how much would this room cost?

Wow.

Is that per month?

Per day?

By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

We've been friends for a while now, haven't we?

I suppose so.

Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover?

Sure.

Your mom lets you watch TV.

Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.

I meant we could sleep at your house.

But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.

Even better.

So what do you say?

I'll have to ask my mom.

Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well-behaved, and if you don't have a lot of room, I can fit in really tight spaces.

So, your first sleepover.

Pretty exciting, huh?

No.

It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

But still, it's your first sleepover.

It's fun stuff.

Okay, I know you're having a tough time with this, but... you're doing great.

You spend some time at Tam's house, you know, clear your head, and come back home refreshed.

And then I can tell Mom?

Oh, no, you can never tell Mom.

Wouldn't it be easier to just be honest?

Usually, it would be, but...

sometimes the truth can hurt people.

We wouldn't want to hurt Mom, right?

Of course not.

Attaboy.

Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight.

When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.

Why?

'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he'll get shaving cream on his face.

And then what?

Well... that...

that's it.

But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.

Never mind.

And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes?

That would sting.

Sorry I mentioned it.

Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream.

I'd have to use his dad's, and that...

Forget it!

- Hello.

- Hi.

You must be Mrs...

Tam's mom.

I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for letting him spend the night.

It's his first sleepover.

He's excited.

Actually, I'm quite apprehens...

He's really looking forward to it.

Uh, in case something comes up, just give us a holler.

I mean, a call.

If you hollered, we wouldn't hear you.

That-that was a joke.

Okay, buddy, have fun.

Visiting Tam's house for the first time was an emotional roller coaster.

For example, it's traditional in Vietnamese homes to have gruesome religious iconography near the entrance.

I did not like that.

However, it's also customary to not wear shoes around the house for sanitary reasons.

I did like that.

Interestingly, one of the main ingredients in Vietnamese cooking is an extremely pungent condiment known as fish sauce.

I did not like that.

But before every meal, it's common for everyone to wash their hands and face.

I did like that.

Forks are not customary in a Vietnamese household.

I did not like that.

And instead of napkins, there was one towel for everyone to share at the table.

Seriously, what are they thinking?

I can't help thinking how odd it is that Shelly volunteered to go on a sleepover.

Oh, I don't know.

- Hmm?

- He's growing up.

It's natural for a young boy to want to spread his wings a little bit, try something new.

That's nonsense.

Last week, I brought home the Raisin Bran with the sugar on the raisins.

He almost lost his mind.

If you ask me, you're worried about nothing.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I did something to upset him.

What are you talking about?

He loves you like crazy.

Much more than he loves this one.

- It's true.

- I don't know.

I just feel like something isn't right.

Mom!

I got my hair stuck in my zipper!

That's the kid you need to be worried about.

Okay, Connie, why don't we just come clean?

- No.

- You heard her.

Now she's blaming herself.

And Sheldon's so upset he's... he's acting like a regular kid.

- All right, let's tell her.

- Thank you.

But first I'm gonna tell her what you did at the picnic.

- Oh, Mary!

- Okay, okay, shh.

I don't know how much longer we can keep this going.

I'm willing to find out.

So, this game is called Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.

It's pretty fun.

There are six kinds of secret warlords...

- Secret warlords.

- It's a secret.

It's a secret.

Have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?

Something between me and you.

Mom is on a need-to-know basis.

I took a little look in his potty journal.

- It's a secret.

- Several days without a bowel movement.

- Sheldon.

- Secret.

A secret.

- A secret.

- Sheldon.

Did you hear anything I said?

Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience.

What do you mean?

Tam, I have a secret that's weighing on me, and I need to tell someone.

Okay.

Tell me.

But I promised I wouldn't.

Okay.

Then don't.

But it's driving me crazy.

Too bad you're not Catholic.

You could confess it to a priest.

That's a great idea.

You're Catholic.

I'll confess it to you.

I'm not a priest.

I'm not a Catholic.

It makes perfect sense.

Okay, whenever you're ready.

What are you doing?

I'm assuming the position.

Okay.

Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned.

This is my first confession.

I forgive you, my son.

I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing.

- I asked my father about it...

- As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders.

It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception.

By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.

That's the whole story.

Cool.

Can we play now?

And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.

Excuse me.

I need to use your bathroom!

Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.

My father taught me that we must always honor our guests and treat them with the utmost courtesy.

The Vietnamese are a very welcoming people.

Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us.

Do you think your dad would ever ask you to keep a secret from your mom?

Oh, no.

He's so honest, it's annoying.

Enough talking.

Sleep now.

She's just annoying.

Well, you did it.

How was your first sleepover?

They feed you any weird food?

When I was in 'Nam, we ate fish soup for breakfast.

Sheldon, I'm talking to you.

Well, I'm not talking to you.

Okay, what's going on?

After having my first good night's sleep in a week, I woke up with a fresh perspective.

And that is...?

It was irresponsible of you to burden me with that secret.

Sheldon, we've been through this.

It's complicated.

While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint, I've always looked up to you as a role model.

I can't do that anymore.

And don't worry... we made a deal.

I'll continue to keep your secret.

Hey.

What's up?

Um, I need to tell you something.

What did you do?

When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.

What did you do?

Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?

What did you do?

It's all your mother's fault.

She is a bad person.

I've been telling you for years.

What did you do?

Okay, now, before I answer that...

Just tell me what you did.

I got a DWI.

Mom!

It's not as bad as it sounds.

How is driving drunk not bad?

I wasn't exactly driving.

I don't follow.

I was at the dog track with Georgie, and I had a few...

Georgie?

With God as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in my life.

She knows.

Oh, I've been there a bunch.

Will someone please tell me what happened?

Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track...

You took him to a bar?

He wasn't drinking.

She had a few too many margaritas, so I drove us home.

But you don't have a license.

That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over.

Oh, dear Lord.

I had nothing to do with this part.

- Shut up.

- Will do.

I didn't want Georgie to get into trouble, so I got behind the wheel before the cop walked up.

And then I got arrested, and, uh, he bailed me out.

So you all thought you should keep this from me?

- Absolutely.

- 100 percent.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen: You and you are staying at her house until I say otherwise.

One could argue I was the hero in this story.

You went gambling and you drove without a license and you lied to my face.

Heroically.

Go.

I love everything about this.

I'm guessing you're mad at me.

Aw, forget about it.

I appreciate you not...

ratting me out about the picnic.

Well, we had a deal.

Besides, your marriage is already hanging by a thread.

It is dangling there.

All right, well, I'm gonna turn in.

Mmm.

Good night.

Night!

Hello?

So, get a load of this.

Last church picnic, your husband snuck in a six-pack, polished off the whole thing, then went to wait in line for the bathroom...

Hey.

You got an extra toothbrush?

Under the sink, darlin'.

Thanks.

You got it.

So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line, so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing.

I've eaten those vegetables.

Sweet dreams.