11x14 - Mr. Lonely Farts

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Hey, check this out!

(undulating)

That's... great.

I think.

Do you have a super fun hernia?

It's a belly roll.

Like belly dancers do.

So put that down as another career option for me.

Mom, you're not looking.

(undulating)

Sorry, honey.

I'm trying to find my phone.

TINA: Did you look in the bathroom?

You usually bring it in there.

It's not there.

I already looked.

I had to poop without it.

I read the back of the shampoo bottle,

- like in the old days.

- (phone buzzes)

Oh.

Not to brag, but I just got a text on my phone.

That I didn't lose.

Teddy's coming over.

He's gonna help me take down the vent hood, and then we're gonna go pick up the new one.

Ah, I love your life.

I'll be back soon so we can open for lunch.

Okay.

We should be back from the shoe store by then, too.

(singsongy): And someone will have her new sneakers.

- It's me!

- Aw, look at her poor toe poking out.

LOUISE: She's going through shoe-berty.

TINA: Say hi.

- Hi!

- Dad?

Oh.

Hi?

TINA: How are you?

I, um...

I'm fine.

You know what, Mom, I'm gonna have to pass on the shoe store.

We only shop in the sales racks, and they're the saddest place in the whole world.

All those mismatched shoes staring up at you from the floor.

One time, I found a bloody Band-Aid in one of the shoes.

Mom bought that pair.

The Band-Aid wasn't that bloody.

Dad, can I please go with you and Teddy?

Sure.

You want to go pick up a new hood for a grill?

Oh, you're seriously doing that?

Ugh, still better than the sale racks.

Huh.

Should I go with Mom or with Dad?

It's a real Kramer vs.

Kramer.

Which I think was a Seinfeld episode.

Well, pick someone, 'cause you're not staying here alone.

And not because I don't want you to find Mommy's special crackers that I don't really have.

Forget I said anything.

Alone?

Gene can't be anywhere by himself.

I beg your pardon?

You still make Mom hide with you when we play hide-and-seek.

And you hate brushing your teeth by yourself.

That's why we do it together.

We're the Supreme Court Brush-tices!

And you get dressed in our room every morning, even if we're still asleep.

I change in your room because sometimes Ken uses my room for his sunrise yoga class that he substitute-teaches.

I like Yoga Ken.

So flexible.

- Ken's not real.

- If Ken's not real, then how did we FaceTime for two hours last night?

(sighs)

Okay.

Uh, I'm going down to meet Teddy.

- Wait for me.

- I'll stay here and do more of this.

(undulating)

Where are you, you stupid, stupid, stupid phone?!

Maybe try talking a little nicer to it?

Just a thought.

(grunts)

Okay.

We're getting there.

- Keep holding it.

- (strained): Got it.

(grunts)

Thanks again for helping out with this, Teddy.

No prob, Bobby.

There's nowhere I'd rather be.

Not even my cousin's wedding today.

Wait, what?

Teddy, you didn't have to do this.

It's fine.

It's just my mother's brother's son.

So cocky 'cause he found true love.

Anyway, today's about you.

New hood, new life.

Pretty exciting.

Well, new to us.

It's from a guy on a message board who's selling a refurbished one.

It's way less expensive than a new hood.

Oh.

So you're buying another old hood.

Well, it's not old...

It's refurbished.

That's a fancy word for "old."

So, you found this guy on a message board, huh?

Y-Yeah.

Why are you saying it like that?

It's just... don't people who post ads on the Internet turn out to be, you know, psycho murderers?

Eh.

Some people just want to sell you a pull-up bar, then be your friend and move in with you for a while.

I'm pretty sure this guy's legit.

He sells a lot of refurbished appliances.

- Old appliances.

- Besides, wouldn't it be the buyer who's the psycho, not the seller who gives you their address and trusts you to come to their home?

Yeah, but what if their home turns out to be a dungeon?

Oh, yeah.

What if their home turns out to be a dungeon?

Okay, guys, if their home is a dungeon, we won't buy the hood.

'Cause we'll be getting m*rder*d in the dungeon.

Eh.

I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

But, Teddy, you'd be with us.

We'd be together.

No, I'd get away.

Then I'd miss you so much.

Well, if you get away, you can call the police.

- Then you can save us.

- Eh.

The guy'd probably k*ll you before the police get there.

But I could try.

- Thanks, Teddy.

- GENE: Hey!

Teddy!

You haven't seen my cool new trick yet, you lucky man.

(undulating)

Oh, that's fun, Gene.

It's like you swallowed a water bed.

(scoffs)

Why are flecks of moisture hitting me?

(strained): Gene, we're... kind of busy at the moment.

Oh, boo.

- Okay.

R-Ready, Bob?

- Yeah.

- (strained): Oh, God.

- You said you were ready!

I know, I did, I'm just...

(grunts)

not strong.

No, you are not.

No offense.

(grunts)

None taken.

Hmm.

Maybe I'll go with you guys.

Teddy's got a truck, and a truck trip could be fun.

Although Mom likes to sing while she drives, and I do enjoy that.

A lot of swerving to the music, honking to the b*at.

Will there be singing in the truck?

-(grunting)

-I think it's gonna be a lot of this.

BOB: All right, let's put it against the wall.

TEDDY: Lea-Lean it this way.

- The weight's all in the back.

- LOUISE: Just like Dad.

Eh, I think I'm gonna go with Mom and Tina.

I just remembered that the shoe store gives out free crushed pretzels on the floor.

Ugh, where are you, phone?

- Okay, it's ringing.

- Don't hear it.

Don't hear it.

Don't hear it.

Tina, honey, maybe you saying that over and over again is gonna make it hard to hear the phone?

I mean, I'm not questioning your process, but okay.

Wait till Mom and Tina hear the good news.

Oh, before we leave, I should probably get my Casio, grab my day planner, ooh, and do one of those auto-reply "I'm out of the office" e-mails.

Ugh, this isn't working.

I don't know where my dumb phone is.

Maybe you accidentally put it in a burger?

No, I'm always really careful about that.

Well, I guess we should leave if we want to get back before lunch.

I can live without my phone for a couple hours.

I'll have to make real faces instead of sending emojo-people.

Wait, Gene's going with Dad, right?

Yeah, I think so.

He went downstairs.

If I find any shoe Band-Aids, I'm not sharing them with him.

Okay, let's head out so we can be back in time for lunch.

Wait, is Gene coming with us?

No, he said he wanted to go with Mom and Tina.

Who's driving?

Oh, yeah.

Me.

And Robin goes in the back on the way home.

- Who's Robin?

- The hood.

Dad, keep up.

God, I'm trying to make this fun.

I get it, I get it.

Mom?

Tina?

I'm going with you!

I call the whole back seat so I can do that thing where I pretend I'm in an Uber!

Where are you guys?

Hmm.

(grunting)

Hello?

Maybe they're doing a prank I'm not enjoying.

I'll go get the key.

They're gonna get an earful!

Dad?

Louise?

Huh.

Hello?!

Hello?

Hello...!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Okay, okay.

It's fine.

Everything's fine.

I know what to do.

Call Mom.

I know her number.

It's gonna be the first tattoo I get.

- (phone buzzing)

- Wait, what?

Why is the couch farting?

Mom's phone?

A nickel?

A peanut M&M?

(chewing)

Okay, calling Dad.

What's Dad's number?

I don't know it!

The digits were so random!

Oh!

It's written on the fridge!

Aah!

I can't read the last three numbers!

They're smudged over with some sort of sauce!

Ketchup.

Figures.

Aah!

What do I do?!

What do I do...?!

(mimics phone ringing)

Guess I'd better get that.

Hello?

Hi!

Ken!

I know you called me, but let me go first because you're not gonna believe this.

I'm home alone!

Yeah, no, that's right.

Mom and Tina were upstairs in the apartment and...

Dad, Louise and Teddy were in the restaurant.

And then I guess they didn't bother to make sure that their most special boy in the whole wide world was with either of them when they left and drove out of my life forever!

No, Ken, I will not calm down!

You calm down!

I know you're calm.

You're always calm, Mr.

CBD Oil.

Okay, okay.

Breathing, breathing.

Thank you, Ken.

The beatboxing helps.

(sighs)

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should look at this as a good thing.

I mean, I can do anything I want right now.

The apartment is my oyster!

Oh.

Oyster sauce.

(Tina whistles)

The full-price section.

Hot damn.

Don't look, Tina.

Don't look.

We're not full-price people.

Okay.

So clean here.

Tina, I said don't look.

Keep moving, keep moving.

And here we are.

The sales racks!

CHILD: No, no, no, no, no!

I don't want a shoe!

No...!

Hold my hand, honey.

Stay close to me.

Hi, are you Bob?

Yeah...

yes, hi.

Uh, this is Teddy and my daughter Louise.

Are you Adam?

Yep.

Adam Appliances.

That's a nickname I'm trying to start for myself.

- Because I sell appliances.

- Nice.

Uh, well, so here's the hood.

Feel free to check it out.

Don't want you to think you're getting...

hoodwinked.

(laughing)

(laughs)

Oh, Adam Appliances.

Huh.

Great.

Uh, thanks.

So, lot of merchandise, huh?

There a lot of people coming in and out of here?

(chuckles)

That's right.

- But are they, Adam?

- Are they what?

Coming in and out?

Louise.

Uh, sorry.

She's, uh... gets excited around, um, refurbished restaurant supplies.

This, uh, looks good.

All the right, uh, hood... parts.

We'll-we'll take it.

Oh, great, great.

Well, water it once a week and give it lots of sunlight.

- (chuckles)

- (laughs)

- This guy.

(sighs)

- Yeah, that's funny.

Uh, so you posted that you're selling it for $350?

- Yep.

- All right.

Here you go.

Uh, it's a-a lot of singles and, um...

uh, hold on...

Some, um, loose change.

Um, you-you can count it all out if you like.

Okay.

Guess we'll start with the pennies.

One, two.

This is a button.

Oh.

Sorry.

GENE: Mom's special crackers!

Mom's special crackers!

Yep, they were in her closet in a shoebox labeled "Do not open.

Spiders." Now I want to know where she keeps her spiders.

Yeah, I'm sitting in their bed, eating the crackers, 'cause no one's here telling me not to.

Okay, what should we do next?

-(dance music playing)

-Take that, Louise's "No Getting Out All My Collectibles and Having a Rave in My Room" rule!

Yeah!

"I had that dream again "where everyone's butts had eyebrows, and they called them 'thighbrows.'" And there's a drawing here.

Want me to fax it to your secretary?

(singsongy): Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Ooh, Tina!

I found one shoe that's in your size.

- You want to try it on?

- Okay.

Let's give this a sh*t.

Feels good.

Maybe I don't need two shoes.

(chuckles): Who am I, Kate Middleton?

Excuse me!

Do you have the other one of these sneakers?

Everything we have is out here.

Sorry.

But there was only one shoe in this box.

(sighs): Yeah.

Shoes go missing all the time.

People shove them in the wrong box or just... throw them.

I don't know why they do these things.

I just try to get through each day.

Ooh, look at those sh**t.

- What are sh**t?

- You know, they're like if a shoe and a boot had a baby.

They're so cute.

And it's so peaceful over there.

And so... not sad.

- And nobody's smoking.

- I'm gonna go try 'em on.

Just for fun.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

You want to go to the full-priced section?

You want to go to the big show?

Not to buy, just to try.

You want to come?

I sure as sh**t want to come.

Okay, Bob, you're all set.

Unless you want to buy a refurbished vacuum.

-Oh, no, thanks.

-No, wait, wait, wait.

L-Let me show you.

- (loud whirring)

- So, it's kind of loud!

Uh, but that's fine!

You can scream and no one can hear it!

(screams)

- (whirring stops)

- See?

Oh, yeah.

I see.

Oh, Adam, uh, can I get a receipt?

For my taxes.

You know about taxes, Dad?

- Um, kind of.

- Okay, sure.

I'll get you a receipt.

I don't have any paper out here.

Let me go inside and write you up one.

- I'll be right back.

- Thanks.

Feel free to look around.

That's a tortilla press.

Or if you stick your hand in it, it's a hand press.

Hand-wich, anyone?

(laughs)

Good one!

Do we want to discuss the fact that he's talking about eating hands, and he basically gave us a blueprint of his m*rder plan?

What do you mean?

The vacuum?

To cover up our screams?

Hello?

I think he was just trying to sell us a really loud vacuum.

I scream when I vacuum.

But that's just 'cause I don't like doing it.

(humming)

Yes, Ken, I do kind of feel like the bartenders in Coyote Ugly.

Hey, should I go in the kitchen?

Yeah, I think I should, too.

Hmm.

Hamburger buns.

I'm gonna eat 'em.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

I should definitely put them through the meat grinder and make bun-burgers.

The burger is the bun, and the bun is the bun.

It's perfect!

This is the kind of thing Dad would never let me do, but once he tried it, he'd be like, "I love my brilliant bun son!"

(metallic thud)

Huh.

That was a weird sound.

Aah!

What the hell?!

(groans)

I can't open the door!

Help!

Ken, call the Coast Guard!

Call the CSI basement people!

Call Richard Belzer and Ice-T!

Call Mariska Hargitay!

(groans)

The door's wedged shut!

Yes, Ken, I am pushing with my core.

Sorry, not all of us have time to do Kundalini yoga for two hours every day!

Aah!

Looks like I'm stuck down here until Mom and Dad get back.

At least I've got these buns for nourishment.

And all the basement food, aka bottom snacks.

Dad always tells me not to call them that.

Taking a while for him to write that receipt, huh?

Maybe he's doing a pre-m*rder pep talk?

- Psyching himself up?

- Louise.

Ugh, we got to leave soon if we're gonna make it back before lunch.

Adam?

Mister, um...

Mr. Appliances?

Should we just go?

Uh, I kind of need that receipt.

This hood is a pretty big business expense, and I was gonna deduct it, which I'm pretty sure is a thing.

I bet he's in there right now sharpening his g*n.

He's not a m*rder*r, Louise.

Hello?

Adam?

Okay, I guess I'm gonna go in?

- You are?

- Yeah.

- You stay out here.

- Oh, we stay out here?

Really?

- Why is that, Father?

- Just because.

Because he might be a m*rder*r.

- No.

Well, maybe.

- I'll go with you, Bob.

Or, Teddy, you could go by yourself?

No way, no.

Okay, let's just all go in, then.

Louise, stay behind me.

Adam?

Hello?

Look at all that bleach.

That stuff is great for getting out bloodstains, right?

Blood, sweat and tears.

End of most days, I got all three.

Wow.

I love how it's two shoes that match.

- I know, right?

- (whimpers)

I feel like a New York businesswoman.

Hey, Mr.

Big Boss, I don't need this job.

I'm gonna quit and move to Vermont and make baby applesauce.

Hi, red carpet reporter.

What am I wearing?

Two matching shoes.

Oh.

You're over here now.

Just so you know, moving shoes from here to the sales rack doesn't magically make them on sale.

You'd be surprised how many people think that.

No, no, no.

We're not doing that.

We're just looking.

Well, if you need any help, I'll be trying to take care of everything in the store

- because they didn't hire enough people.

- Okay, bye.

Come on.

Let's try on these cowboy boots.

We can be cowgirl-businesswomen.

We're gonna be yee-hot...

and good at our jobs.

And that's why I think ostriches should wear britches and be called "ost-britches."

Ken, are you listening?

Well, it just seems like you're distracted.

No, no, no, no, don't get off yet.

I want to keep talking.

If you need to read your e-mail, read your e-mail.

I can wait.

Oh.

You're reading it out loud.

Wow.

So many e-mails from The Edge.

How long have you known U2?

You grew up with Larry Mullen Jr.?!

Hello?

Hello?

Um, we're in your kitchen now.

Sorry to be... so in your house.

But, uh, we're curious how it's going with the receipt.

I wonder which of our faces he's going to wear as a mask.

I don't know.

Could be a Goldilocks situation.

- One's too big, one's too little.

- Mm.

Gosh, you'd think Adam Appliances would have some better ones in his own kitchen.

A two-slice toaster?

What is this, 1985?

Normally I'd hate being left alone like this.

You know, 'cause being by myself isn't my thing.

But at least I have you to talk to, Ken.

What do mean you have to go?

Your short film is winning an award at the Montreal Film Festival?

Well, of course I'm happy for you.

I know it's your passion project, and it took you forever to clear the rights, and Jessica Chastain is a revelation, but I need you to stay on the phone with me!

Don't tell me I'll be fine!

No!

No!

Don't hang up!

Ken?

Ken?!

Hello?

Ken!

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Aah, voice mail again!

Ken, I'm gonna keep leaving you messages because you hung up and left me alone!

Ugh!

I hope that you go to a bagel store where they sell Montreal-style bagels, and they run out of them right as you walk in.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

Goodbye.

(grunts)

Oh, no!

Now how is Ken supposed to call me back?!

On a fork?

That's ridiculous!

Okay, Adam, we're in your living room now.

Just really need that receipt, buddy.

Wait.

Are you holding a butter Kn*fe?

- You butter believe it.

- Is it from Adam's kitchen?

No, I walk around with butter knives.

Yes, of course.

Teddy, are you holding a cheese grater?

Yeah.

Did you not grab anything from the kitchen?

(sighs)

Okay, you know what?

This is too weird.

Forget the receipt.

Probably better to live than to have a deduction.

I think I read that on a fortune cookie.

Come on, let's go.

(all screaming)

Oh, my God!

Please don't k*ll us!

- What?!

- I'll grate you!

Is that my cheese grater?

Wait.

Is that my butter Kn*fe?

Yes, and it's very serrated.

Are you sure it's a butter Kn*fe?

Yeah, I should know that.

It is mine.

- Why are you in my house?

- We were looking for you.

You were taking so long with the receipt, and we were...

we weren't sure what to do.

I had to go to the bathroom.

We were shouting your name.

The fan was on if you need to know everything.

Ugh.

This is exactly what my wife said would happen if I started this business.

You give strangers from the Internet your address, and they'll come in your house and k*ll you with your own cheese grater.

- No, I wasn't gonna k*ll you.

- No, Adam, no, no.

- We're, we're not...

- I mean, it'd be hard with this.

I knew there was something off about you guys.

You with all that change.

Who would do something like that to someone?

I'm sorry.

I-I mean, to be fair, change is money.

I know it's annoying money, but it still counts.

Dad, don't.

Here is your receipt, sir.

Uh, thanks.

We're gonna go now.

Yeah, I think that's best you do.

- Here.

- (shrieks)

- Just put it on the table.

- Yup, yup, okay.

Arr!

Pirate and Go-Go Dancer fight for the galaxy!

- Arr!

- Groovy!

So, are you guys sure you don't need any help?

Nope, nope.

Uh, ju-just making some decisions.

Lot of boxes on the floor.

We're gonna put them all back.

Except for the ones that we buy.

Uh-huh.

And how many pairs do you think you'll be purchasing today?

I mean, uh, maybe those sneakers over there?

You know, when they go on sale.

Are there some of these I can start putting away?

Uh, yeah, I guess the boots and the... the moon shoes.

And the gladiator sandals.

Oh, and-and the moccasins, too.

Those looked really good on you.

They did, right?

- Here, I-I'll put those away.

- Oh.

Look, we're sorry.

It's just, we just wanted to know what it felt like to shop in the nice shoe section.

Where they have all the sizes and the shoes come in pairs.

And the lights aren't blinking off and on over here.

And there isn't anything dripping from the ceiling.

I get it.

The sales racks are rough.

I found a toe over there yesterday.

- Oh, God.

- Ah, I think it was a toe.

The police have it.

Anyway, I-I'll tell you what.

I can give you 20% off those sneakers.

- How about that?

- Really?!

- Yeah.

- Thank you!

- Sure.

- Or maybe I don't do the sneakers?

I do the big boots, and I'm Big Booty Tina from now on?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, do the sneakers.

- Okay.

Aah, I hate this!

No family, no Ken.

Stuck here in the basement with just myself.

Why did Ken do this?!

Why did my totally real friend hang up on me?

Doesn't he know this is my worst nightmare?

No one to talk to but myself?

Wait.

Did Ken do this on purpose?

Is this a test?

He does like to test me.

Like that time he tested my self-control by asking me to hold his ice cream cone while he went to go poo poo.

Maybe this is... a being-with-myself test.

Okay, then, I'll try it.

I'll try being alone with my thoughts?

♪ Green peppers give me gas ♪

♪ Unless they're in a scone ♪

♪ These are thoughts I'm thinking ♪

♪ When I'm all alone ♪

♪ Is taupe a real color? ♪

♪ I wanna free solo up that shelf ♪

♪ These are things I'm thinking when I'm by myself ♪

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have fun with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin' 'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music and banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with people, maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight but maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own! ♪

Ken, you brilliant son of a bitch!

We're back!

You might not recognize me 'cause of my new sneakers, but, um, it's me.

Tina.

Tina?!

Oh, God, okay.

I'm glad you cleared that up.

Look at that shiny new hood.

It's refurbished.

Fancy word for old.

Well, sorry we took so long.

We had a little shoe-cation.

It's okay.

We took a while, too.

We kind of mistook a totally harmless person for being a m*rder*r and then we trespassed in his house.

Sounds fun.

Hey, where's Gene?

- I thought he was with you.

- I thought he was with you!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

ALL: Gene?!

Gene?!

My toys!

My diary!

My crackers!

♪ Bun-burger, bun-burger, bun-burger ♪

- ♪ Bun-burger. ♪

- He's here!

- Gene!

- Mom!

Dad!

Oh, we're so sorry, Gene.

We didn't mean to leave you by yourself.

I thought you were with your dad.

And I thought you were with your mom.

Are you all right?

We know you don't love being alone.

Or being trapped in a basement.

We were almost trapped in a basement.

Yeah, we almost d*ed.

No, we weren't, and no, we didn't.

You know, it actually wasn't that bad.

I had Ken for a lot of it.

But then he had to go accept this award, and I was alone, but that turned out to be okay, too.

Really?

That's, uh...

that's good.

Uh, what's going on with the meat grinder?

Big changes at the restaurant, Dad.

I don't want to give it away, but let's just say it rhymes with "dun durgers."

Oh, my Geenie Weenie, Mommy's so sorry!

Mwah-mwah-mwah!

Mwah!

Mwah-mwah-mwah!

It's okay, Mom.

Huh.

You're kind of letting them off pretty easy.

I would maybe look for a lawyer if I were you?

No lawyers.

Come on.

Let's go upstairs.

So, you found my special crackers, huh?

- Yup.

Ken and I did.

- How is Ken?

GENE: Busy as always.

And he's microdosing.

That's...

You know what?

Just tell him thanks for keeping you company.

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have fun with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin' 'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music and banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with people, maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight but maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own. ♪