03x01 - Birth Daze

[bunniefuu]

Four-one-one, baby's gonna come.

Ready?

Four-one-one, baby's gonna come.

It's simple.

If your contractions are four minutes apart, and the pain lasts for one full minute, for the duration of one full hour, then, congratulations!

You are ready to deliver.

Yeah, four-one-one, if you want to spend eternity in the delivery room.

Take it from me, wait 'til you're like in a lot of pain,
I'm talking a lot of pain, mhmm.

Then like, give it another three hours.

Yeah, like, three-three-three.

- Or like, a two-five-five.

- One-one-one, - have your baby and you're done.

- Yeah, there you go.

What my uh, demonstrators, slash closest, closest girlfriends are saying...

Is it true your nose swells?

One out of three women, yeah.

Okay, you don't have a license.

Will my nipples go back to normal?

That's a hard no.

They're gonna get longer, and coarser, yet more sensitive.

Please don't write that down.

Okay, uh, here's a fun fact.

Two out of three women pass bowels during active labour.

Yeah.

That's not the poop you gotta worry about.

- Oh boy.

- It's not?

No!

You're gonna take a poop a couple days after you give birth that is gonna break you.

Mhmm.

Just huge, like passing a cinderblock.

If I hadn't hooked mine out, it'd still be up there.

I'm sorry, "hooked"?

Oh yeah, I had to claw it out like a canary trying to get to the heart of a papaya.

Oh no...

Oh don't worry, you'll get through it in one piece.

Your marriage on the other hand, not so much.

One of these guys is gonna cheat.

It's just math.

My money's on this guy.

I see you.

Wow, you really scared 'em in there.

Well, it had to be said!

Those women need to know that it's entirely possible that their husband could've been f*cking the nanny for a f*cking year!

Taking her wine tasting.

Calling each other their "north star"!

f*ck!

Okay.

All right, man, take it easy!

- f*ck!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

- Jeez.

Just take my advice.

I'm not going to m*rder him, Anne.

Fine.

Play it safe.

But know this, all it'd take is a low-key stop - at the hardware store.

- Here we go.

Purchase an industrial size vat.

- What?!

- Fill it with quicklime.

What?

Anne, stop Googling how to m*rder someone.

All right.

I love you.

There we go.

Welcome.

You know you don't have to move out of my home, right?

It's time.

As much as I love sharing a bathroom with Alice, I gotta be able to host my kids and take a dump without her screaming, "courtesy flush" - at me through the door.

- That's fair enough.

- Well, we're gonna miss you.

- I'll miss you, too.

Hey, this is pretty nice!

Right?

I think I'm gonna do this dorm room style, you know, like, a couple candles, a couple pics, maybe a sock on the door to let the people know I still got it, you know?

Oh, you still gettin' after it in your condition?

Well, not so much, but my hormones have me flickin' my bean like a g*dd*mn demon!

Sorry to intrude.

- I have a delivery here.

- Aw, Charlie!

- I missed your little face!

- Oh here, let me help you.

- Oh my God it's okay.

- She's good.

It's just a cramp, okay?

I brought ice packs for your back, and...

I'm not sure if you're craving raspberry tarts again, - but they're...

- Great, thank you.

Bye bye.

Okay, hey!

Just one minute, please!

Charlie!

Buddy!

Let's go see your room!

Goodnight.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

This place is really starting to look like a business!

Can you run a business with no clients?

We've got one client.

Now tell me that you've got a good candidate for the assistant position.

Well, he's very young, and has zero experience.

But he's got a hell of a reference.

- From who?

- Richard.

Okay!

Who also happens to be his father.

Okay, got it.

Anything else?

Yeah, there's a bunch of bills that are piling up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, first we get an assistant, okay?

Then we'll get some more clients, and then those bills get paid.

Now let's just hope this guy's got something goin' on upstairs.

But out of all the "Fast and Furious" movies, I just feel like "Fate of the Furious" best captures, like, the family.

And that's what I wanna be a part of.

A family, like your company.

Right...

So?

How's it going in here?

You've got a real son here, Richard.

Right.

Okay, look.

He's young, eager to please, give him a sh*t.

Hmm?

You won't regret it.

And if you do, fire his ass.

Dad!

He's just kidding.

Hah.

No, I am not.

What?

I don't know what that means!

I cannot babysit your calendar like this.

You're late for your next appointment.

Which is code for picking up your son at daycare!

Hey, Richard.

Rosie.

- Forrest, let's do this.

- What, really?

Yeah, we'll just see how it goes.

Trial run.

Don't f*ck up, huh?

Yes!

Oh boy.

Oh dear God, is that how we're walking now?

Pregnancy is really not meant for the public, is it?

I'm sorry.

My water broke, and I'm wearing an overnight pad.

Your water broke, and you called me?

Yeah, I don't really want to be alone.

Plus, I haven't eaten in a while.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Mom, the doctor said I've put on an optimal amount of weight.

Eleanor?

OMG, Barry, hello!

We were just talking about you, Eleanor.

- This is my son, Adam.

- Pleasure.

Kate, you remember Barry, our financial advisor, and his single son?

Well, that's true of both of us now.

Oh my.

Two young single women, two young single men, what are the chances?

- What's happening right now?

- May we join you?

- Actually, we're just...

- Absolutely, please sit.

You're pregnant.

Yeah.

A woman with child is so beautiful.

- Is she?

- The glow, the shape.

- The smell.

- Oh!

Beggars can't be choosers, Kate.

Ah!

Ooh.

Aah!

Oh, gentlemen, I must apologize.

My daughter's in labour.

- That's amazing.

- Aaaah!

- Aaaaah!

- Squeeze my hand.

No I'm good man, I'm good.

I've just gotta...

keep my eye on the...

on the time here.

God, what the hell was it?

Four-four-four?

- Baby's on the floor?

- I don't know.

Do we need to go to the hospital?

Oh sh*t!

Aah!

- Oh, I will drive you there.

- You...

no!

Mom, let's go.

Let's go.

Oh...

oh.

Are you sure I can't help you to the car?

- Get away from me, bro!

- Okay.

- Super weird.

Super weird!

- Come on.

Oh God.

Mom?

Mom?

I'm feeling a little...

a little scared.

Oh, sweetheart, don't be silly.

- Yeah, okay.

- In time, you'll lose the weight.

Get out!

Hmph!

It's okay, thanks so much.

Is this Kate's room?

- Great!

- Oh God!

- Kate.

- Oh God!

Anne, dude, I don't' know what I was thinking.

I can't do this alone!

What am I, the ghost that haunts the hospital?

I'm here, I'm here, and I am not leaving your side, okay?

'Cause it's-it's happening a little more quickly this time.

Yeah, I know.

You know, that's the beauty - of having a second one.

- Yeah?

Oh yeah, yep.

Feel like you're ready to push?

I mean, no!

Maybe we'll just leave him in there, you know?

No, no, you don't wanna do that.

- Okay.

Okay.

- You got this.

Okay.

- All right, get ready to push.

- Yeah.

You get to meet your baby soon!

Yes!

Okay, push, push, push!

Yes, you got it, you got it, you got it!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You got it, you got it, yeah, yeah, go, go, go!

- Okay, I gotta go.

- Where?

Guys night.

Don't wait up for me, okay?

- Where'd you go?

- I went out for a drive.

What the hell are you doing here?

Nathan had a work thing.

Oh jeez!

sh*t!

Kate.

What the hell?

What's her actual name?

Who?

I'm sure her passport doesn't say "Mean Nanny".

- What are you even talking about?

- I saw you, Nathan.

I saw you with her.

What is her name?

Renya.

Renya?!

Spell it.

Um, R-e-n-y-a.

So like it sounds?

Ren-ya.

Stupid.

Stupid.

You weren't around.

And you lied to me, Kate!

I thought you might want to put a baby in me.

- I think we're ready for more.

- Oh!

I had no one to talk to!

Don't go changing who you are on me.

'Cause come on!

You weren't exactly committed to this!

- I'm willing to promise.

- Where were you, Kate?

Since when do you care about what I want?

Where were you?!

Kate, please, I'm sorry!

Please!

You are my p*rn.

Just tonight.

Get over here!

- Aaaaaah!

Oof!

- Yes!

That was so good!

- Okay, I think I need Nathan.

- What?

- Please don't make me beg.

- No, hey, it's okay.

Let's just get you through this, okay?

Okay.

Nathan?

Hi, Grandma.

- It doesn't want to!

- Hey!

Hey, hey!

Oh Nathan, oh God, Nathan!

- You got this okay?

- Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Okay, you're gonna be great.

Just focus.

Okay?

One, two, three...

push!

Push!

Come on, you got this!

Push!

Push!

Push!

That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it!

That's it, that's it!

- Okay.

- Oh my God.

Oh yeah, where you go-where you going?

Oh!

Oh my God!

Oh God.

Hi!

This is our daughter.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

Get out.

- Kate.

- Get out.

Hey, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

We're gonna be okay, yeah.

Happy birthday!

Oh my God, it's the baby!

Okay.

Okay.

Guys.

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Happy birthday, Katie.

You've had a challenging year, you should to celebrate.

Open this in a more intimate setting.

Okay, that's weird.

Thank you, mom.

They're ready for you in the conference room.

Yes, okay.

As much as I appreciate the concern, I have a meeting.

- Will you watch Ella?

- But I'm wearing silk.

You're gonna be okay.

Bye, bubba!

Oh!

- Here you are, sweetie.

- Let's go.

Okay, just don't spit.

There she is!

I hope I haven't been keeping you long.

Are you kidding?

The fellas are going to town on the spread.

It's not often you see a six-foot sub.

And what I assume is some kind of energy drink?

- Kate, I have a surprise for you.

- Oh!

I didn't think he'd make it, seeing as he just returned to work this week, but our Steve Malk is a fighter.

- Mr. Malk is here?

- You mean, not dead?

No, I...

Listen, when you spend the better half of a year staring at breast cancer, you learn that life is just too precious not to cut to the point.

I couldn't agree more.

Thrilled you're here, Mr. Malk.

Let's get started.

Gentlemen, enough with the sandwiches!

Though Stenton Capitol is a well-respected insurance company, optically, your life insurance products are only being marketed towards the elite.

And that's a bad thing?

Well, we believe that by opening your image to those don't appear to bring in the highest income, say...

single mothers, teachers, nurses, will collectively make you a k*lling.

There's nothing wrong with all the people that you've got there, Kate, it's just that uh, - I don't see me.

- Hmm?

I started this business from nothing.

I worked my ass off, and...

I just would like to believe that during those, those hungrier days, if I saw an image of a successful man, well, that would be pretty damn inspiring.

Shouldn't that be included?

I am so sorry.

That is my ba-I had a baby.

Two months ago.

And I'm separated, so...

Oh, let me guess.

You take the house?

No, he stayed in our home, and I'm in an apartment.

Oh, how 'bout that.

That's not a story that you hear every day.

I think that shows great integrity, Kate.

I told you.

Well, my team and I will take a pass on the imagery, and we'll get back to you by the end of the week.

And right back to business.

Why, you're more man than a woman, aren't you?

Not sure what to do with that one, Steve!

Just leave it where it landed there, Kate!

Come on, gents!

Burt, I like this one.

Oh God.

So, did I follow that correctly?

We will tweak the imagery to incorporate...

- Rich white dudes?

- Yup.

- How refreshing.

- Yeah...

- Happy birthday, bitch!

- Oh, brother.

We should go out tonight.

I told you, I don't want to celebrate.

Ugh!

Does this lack of celebratory spirit have anything to do with it being your first birthday away from Nathan?

No!

Stop it!

Those are your therapizing glasses.

Therapizing?

Not a word.

Not that you asked, but my professional diagnosis?

You've had a one hell of a year.

You are long overdue for some D!

I'm like, 6,000 kegels away from any kind of D.

Then get squeezin'!

Plus it'll help with the anger.

It is a crucial part of moving on, trust me.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

I can come back when you're not plugged in.

It's okay, I can do both at the same time.

Well, it's just I have some approvals for you.

Yeah, that's cool.

Thanks.

I did totally hear you.

Fine, thank you.

Thanks.

- That dude has a crush on you.

- What?

No!

You still got it.

- Oh?

Did you just...

- Kegel.

♪ We live for today we don't wait for tomorrow Oh God.

Happy birthday.

It's a photo album.

From Charlie.

Uh, I'm not in it, just the two of you.

We made it together.

Is that her?

- Could I um...

- She's sleeping.

Maybe I could take them off your hands for the night, so you could celebrate your birthday?

God, when did it become such a mandatory thing, to like, go have fun on your birthday?

- I'm just trying to help.

- Cut the sh*t.

You're here to ambush me, so you can see the baby.

It's been two months.

I'm her Dad, you have to let me be that, for better or worse.

Her name is Ella.

As in, Eleanor?

You named her after your mother?

Oh my God.

I did not mean to...

I heard it's someone's birthday!

Oh...

Goodnight...

Okay, Mom, what did you get me?

What the...

Oh, good grief.

Well, she doesn't know me at all.

Hi.

Uh, yeah, it's me.

Um...

What're you-what are you doing right now?

Hi.

Hey.