09x12 - Midwife Crisis

[bunniefuu]

Excited about the food fair?

Honey, bourbon, sausage...

three great ingredients on their own, but together, it's like the-the Reagan of meats.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

I got to take a rain check.

What do you mean, a rain check?

We've been planning this for weeks.

I've been fasting.

You know...

Well, for not that long.

I know, but I don't want to take Sarah away.

She's having too much fun in the sandbox right now.

Oh, oh, sweetheart, um, n-no sand in the shoes.

Y...

You put the sand in the shoes.

Okay.

What do you mean?

I thought Kris was going to watch her.

Uh, Sarah and Evelyn are taking some time apart from each other.

What, are they seeing other babies?

Evelyn has become really bossy, and it's really annoying.

What's going on?

You don't want to hear about my problems.

I don't want to hear about anybody's problems, but d-d-damn it, you're my kid.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh...

Listen, I'll-I'll text the sausage guy.

I don't want him worrying.

♪♪ Well, every game the girls play, Evelyn has to be the leader.

If they're playing Moana, Evelyn is always Moana.

If they're playing Frozen, Evelyn's always Elsa.

Right, I get it.

'Cause when we play Toy Story I gotta be Woody.

Even when they pretend Floor Is Lava, Kristin's always in charge of the countdown.

(CHUCKLES)

You mean Evelyn.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Evelyn.

She's always bossing Sarah around.

Which is not uncommon for the older one.

- It's like Kris used to do to you.

- Exactly.

So the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You and your old-timey sayings.

Shouldn't you be whittling?

Let me put it so you'll understand it.

You're just pissed because Kris used to do the same thing to you, dawg.

(LAUGHING): Don't be ridiculous.

(MIKE LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, that's totally what's happening.

By the way, you did the same thing to Eve.

Yeah, I don't care if I did it, okay?

I don't like it when Kristin does it.

And I don't want Sarah to have to go through the same thing.

It's always bad to be bossy.

Yeah, so bad.

- Always.

- Always.

Where are you going with this?

Give me a minute.

Let me, um, let me set the scene here,

- all right?

- Okay.

So it was, um, during the pandemic.

Ugh, oh, boy, you and Kyle had just got those new air filtration space helmets.

Hey, those helmets were better than the masks.

- Were they?

- Yeah.

People were depressed.

They needed to see this.

Anyhow, you guys barged into the office and I thought it was being invaded by really goofy space aliens.

I'm sorry, if you want me to take you to my leader, you're looking at him.

Dad, we have a problem.

Condensation?

No.

That's not it.

Well...

well, it kind of is, but not at the moment.

We just got off the phone with our OB.

And because of COVID, there are all these new and stupid rules at the hospital.

Well, the hospital is a perfect place for stupid rules.

Otherwise, it's just a well-lit building with a bunch of half-naked people walking around who are kind of sick.

That's the problem.

What if our baby gets sick?

- Or one of us?

It's getting really scary.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Yeah.

What do you think we should do?

I think you should calm down.

I think everything's gonna be fine.

(EXHALES)

Somehow, when you say it, I believe it.

You might want to check with another family member who had a baby during a pandemic.

Oh!

Kristin had Evelyn right at the beginning of the pandemic.

We should've just talked to her first.

No, it's good to come to me.

I know a lot about a lot of things...

parenting, t*nk warfare,

- Steve McQueen movies...

- Whoa, easy, Dad.

Nobody likes a know-it-all.

... motorcycles, Don Knotts movies, why Don Lemon wears that weird outfit.

(LAUGHING)

- Hey.

- Stop!

Okay, you're negative.

Come on in.

(ED CHUCKLING)

It may be a pain in the ass getting tested all the time, but it's worth it.

And the nurse says I have the nostrils of a -year-old.

(SIGHS)

Finally picked this thing up.

Only took me three hours.

Curbside.

It's not like I made an appointment or anything.

Well, it's for a good cause.

Mandy and Kyle's baby gift.

Hey, I thought you were going to let me put a few bucks in on this, Ed.

- ED: Oh, come on...

- Unless you think I already did.

In which case, I'm glad I contributed.

It doesn't matter who paid for it.

We agreed it would come from all of us.

- Just like we bought for you guys.

- Yeah.

Oh, actually, this is the Rock-A-Tot Two.

So it's got even more features than ours.

I mean, you can control this sucker from, like, two blocks away with your phone.

Oh.

They don't recommend that, though.

Uh, Ryan, would you please just load that in my car and I'll drive it over later?

Yeah.

So glad I dragged it all the way upstairs.

Oh, come on, stop.

Hey, um, why don't we, uh, put it together for them before we take it over?

I mean, they're going to have a new baby.

They don't have time to build furniture.

- They're not Amish.

- Mm.

Good.

Good, then it's settled.

- We build it.

- CHUCK: Right.

- And by "we", I mean you two.

- (CHUCKLING)

No problem.

I rebuilt a Plymouth Barracuda last week.

I think I can handle a crib.

And I replaced the batteries in the remote control.

So I guess we are both pretty handy.

Yeah.

We'll knock this out over lunch.

ED: Oh, that's perfect.

But I'm available if-if you need me.

Just... don't need me.

- Okay.

All right.

- All right.

Let's see what we are dealing with here.

- Hold that part right there...

- Doesn't look too bad.

... and I will...

BOTH: Oh, hell no.

You know, it just breaks my heart to hear how scared our little girl is.

How scared our little girl was.

Yeah.

Well, hopefully, Kristin can calm her down.

That was a good idea, honey.

Yeah.

I wonder what it's like to have a bad idea.

I mean, having no frame of reference, it's just difficult to know that.

It just, it kills me that I am not going to be in the room with Mandy when she gives birth.

Well, the hospital's the right place to do it.

They're...

- they're taking the necessary precautions, honey.

- Yeah.

You know, I...

I do have a PhD.

What-what if I tell them I'm a doctor?

Vanessa.

I just want to be with her.

You know, just pat her arm when she's nervous, tell her she's doing great, or just... just brush her hair.

Damn it, that's what you do to me when I'm drunk.

- Hello, parents.

- Hey, guys.

Hi.

How's it going, hon?

- Hi.

- Good.

I am, I am feeling much better.

And Kris has been so amazing.

She helped me realize that I can have a safe and natural birth.

Well, that's great, since Kris helped you do that, but I helped you figure out Kris was the right person.

So who's the real hero?

Really?

Says the only one in the room who will never push a head through a cervix.

(KRISTIN STAMMERING)

Mandy hasn't, either... yet.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

You know what, honey?

I'm sure the hospital will do everything they can to make you feel comfortable.

Well, I-I'm not going to have the baby at the hospital.

I'm gonna have a home birth.

Huh.

Wow, that's...

that's awfully generous of Kristin and Ryan.

(SCOFFS)

Well, no, Dad, here's the best part: I'm...

I'm gonna give birth here.

(CHUCKLES)

I-Is it too late for me to suggest you might wait to have this child?

So you're gonna give birth at home?

(GASPS)

This home?

I mean, our hom...

I mean, my home?

- Home births are completely safe.

- (STAMMERING)

And lots of couples are doing them.

And for thousands of years, nobody ever gave birth in a hospital.

They also didn't have motor vehicles.

Why don't you just pop one out in a pickup truck?

No, we... we are here for you, honey.

This, uh...

It's gonna be the best home birth ever.

Thank you, Mom.

Oh, this is so cool.

Mandy will be able to manage her birth plan, and the whole family will get to be there.

Oh, I love this.

You know, we-we can use the photo for the Christmas newsletter.

What?

Christmas is not about the birth of a baby.

It's the perfect solution, okay?

Hospitals aren't allowing visitors these days, but this way we get to all be together.

Why don't we just do it at a hotel?

The mattresses couldn't get any worse.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Oh, yeah.

Mwah.

- I love you.

- Love you.

Bye.

Okay.

Let's go e-mail that midwife.

We want to book her before some other preggo gets your spot.

We-We're not gonna even look at other options?

What if we rent an RV?

Wait a minute, I own a tent store.

Okay, wait, wait.

Wait.

You-you need to be a good father, okay, and support your daughter when she needs her mother the most.

If she was gonna have the baby in the hospital, then I wouldn't get to be there, and now I will.

But why-why does everybody want to be at a birth?

I mean, it's just a birthday without the cake

- and the presents.

- I know.

Mandy wants this.

So do I, and you, you are gonna be fully supportive.

- Okay?

- I can't.

Can't.

I don't have a cervix.

It still doesn't fit.

See, you have to line up part D with the other part D.

- Yes, I know that, Chuck.

- Uh-huh.

Your method of saying it over and over again

- doesn't seem to be helping.

- Hey, man.

Hey, man, you want to try to make sense out of this?

- I can barely read it.

- Well, yeah.

That's 'cause you won't wear your glasses, which is a little vain.

(SCOFFS)

- I'll wear my glasses.

- Okay.

I am not vain.

- It's not gonna make a difference.

- Mm-hmm.

It's still gonna be a...

Oh, that's a "B", not a "D".

- My bad.

- Will you just give me the instructions, please?

- No, no, I got the instructions now.

- Chuck.

I got the glasses.

I can see now.

(STAMMERING)

I thought this thing would be built by now.

- (SIGHS)

- I mean, didn't you read the instructions?

Yes, Ed.

We read the instructions.

Ryan isn't much of a builder.

- Oh, me?

- Yeah, you.

What ever happened to Mister...

(DEEP VOICE): "I rebuilt a ' Barracuda"?

(SIGHS)

(STAMMERS)

This is way more complicated than the one we built for Evelyn.

I mean, it's got, uh, touch screen, Wi-Fi.

She's an infant.

She's sitting in her own poop.

I'm sorry, I just...

I just don't get it.

I slept in a dresser drawer till I was three.

How did you breathe?

It wasn't closed.

Unless my parents were having a party.

Well, don't worry, Ed.

We'll... we'll-we'll get this.

Yeah, all we have to do is, uh, install the second motor

- and the rocker arm.

- Yeah.

All right, I guess I'll get tested again.

Clear out the old nostrils.

It beats blowing your nose.

♪♪ So, we had a great virtual meeting with Sunshine, the midwife Kris found.

Sunshine?

What do they call her at night?

Oh.

Moonbeam.

She said that Mandy was the perfect candidate for home birth, and she's, like, the most soothing human being I have ever met.

Oh, yeah.

She put me right at ease.

And I know this isn't the most modern thing to say, but I wouldn't have been as comfortable with a mid-husband.

Well, this is great, guys.

And you know what, we are a hundred percent supportive.

- Right, Mike?

- Oh, yeah, I'm really into it.

I'm actually thinking of using the house for other medical procedures.

Using that big old garden hose out front for my next colonoscopy.

So, tell us more.

How's this gonna work?

- Well, I guess you put a GoPro on the nozzle, then...

- Kyle!

No, no, no.

Honey, I think she's talking about the home birth.

It's very important to keep the energy around the birth nice and calm.

Sunshine has some great music ideas for the labor: Enya, harp solos, Kenny G.

- Oh.

- I thought she wanted the baby to come out.

Uh, and I'm gonna have a natural birth,

- so no dr*gs.

- VANESSA: Mm-hmm.

You will be fine.

I didn't have any dr*gs, either.

I just dug my nails into your father's forearm.

Yep, and I still have the... still have the scars there: Eve, Mandy and Kris.

I was hoping one day you guys would sign them.

And to help Mandy relax, she'll spend most of the labor in a shallow blow-up pool.

Yeah, you're gonna look beautiful,

- like a big, pregnant mermaid.

- Oh, I love that.

Fishy kiss.

And then, and then when it's time to push, we're gonna wrap her up in warm towels

- and move her to the bed.

- Yeah.

Sunshine said we...

we should find the biggest, most comfortable bed in the house.

Ha!

That'd be the m... the-the master bed?

- You-You're gonna do this in our bed?

- Yes!

Of course, of course our bed.

Our granddaughter's gonna be born in our bed.

- Oh, it's such an honor.

- Oh, it's an honor to break water in the bed but not wind?

Okay.

Thank you guys for letting us do this.

It feels so much better than going to a hospital.

No, honey, this is fantastic.

You guys, you're gonna have this beautiful experience in our home, a-and you'll be surrounded by everybody who loves you.

Oh, uh, not quite everyone.

Uh, Sunshine has this rule: only two people are allowed in the actual birthing room.

Oh.

Well, you know, that's smart.

I mean, safety should be the first consideration, and really, really, you only need two.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be the birth coach.

Perfect, since I already have the whistle.

Well, just don't blow that whistle in my ear.

Well, you won't have to worry about that, because the other person in the room is gonna be Kris.

- Wait, hold on a minute.

Mandy, wait a second.

Wait...

- What?

Wait, no, wait, no, let her...

let her finish.

Yeah.

She just had a baby, and...

and she's been helping me so much, and I...

I can't imagine doing this without my sister.

I love you so much!

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Somebody better blow up that pool, 'cause I'm about to fill it with tears.

Uh, M-Mom, are-are...

- are you okay with this?

- Oh.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure?

(NERVOUS GIGGLING)

Okay.

Uh, great.

Let's go to Dad's closet and find a belt for you to bite on.

- I love you both so much.

- Yes, yes.

- Love you.

Yep, yep.

- Yeah.

That's great.

Hey, hey, I'm proud of you.

You said you'd support her and you did...

(PAINED GROAN)

I think you actually drew a little blood.

All right, here.

Whew!

I can't believe it's finally done.

Don't tell Ed, but that's the hardest I've worked in years.

I'm sorry I got snippy with you.

I had caffeine a few days ago,

- and it's still buzzing around the old dome.

- Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm sorry I called you all those names.

It was just in my head, but I still feel bad.

All right, let's try this thing out.

- Okay.

- Voice activation is on.

- Yeah.

- Rock-A-Tot, rock.

Let me try.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Rock-A-Tot, rock.

Rock-A-Tot, rock.

(SIGHS)

What the hell?

What kind of Rock-A-Tot doesn't rock?

- Oh, whoa, whoa, hey, there we go.

- Oh, hey.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Okay.

That is nice.

- Yeah, that's very nice.

- Okay.

All right.

- Uh, uh...

- Whoa.

That's how the robot uprising begins.

- (CLATTERING)

- Uh, Rock-A-Tot, stop!

Rock-A-Tot, calm the hell down!

- Do something!

- Well, I can't...

- I don't know what to do.

- You...

You, get on the other...

First...

Okay, get this...

(GRUNTING)

Maybe there's a-a cross...

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, Rock...

- We k*lled it.

- Yeah.

All right.

No baby should ever be in one of those, unless it gets a trophy for staying on for eight seconds.

Gentlemen.

(SIGHS): I'm sorry, Ed.

I saw the horror.

I think I have something that might help.

- Excuse me.

Here you go.

- Oh.

Now, it won't win any tech awards, but I was drawn to the simplicity.

Oh, it's just a basinet.

ED: Mm-hmm.

No touch screen, no Wi-Fi.

No demonic possession.

We can return this damn machine and give the cash to Kyle and Mandy.

- Yeah.

- That is a great idea.

They are gonna love this.

In this thing, she'll sleep like a rock.

Mm.

Oh, why'd you say that, Ed?

It's not even plugged in!

Go back to hell where you came from!

(LOUD CLATTERING)

♪♪

- Hey.

- Hi.

Got you a little gift.

Oh, thank you.

Gosh, what do you get the woman who has everything except a place in the room where her daughter's giving birth?

It's, uh, merlot.

We can enjoy this bottle when Mandy and Kris and the witch doctor are done destroying our bedroom.

I know you're just trying to make me feel better.

Yeah, I'm the worst husband ever.

You know what, honey, don't patronize me.

- What?

- As the mother, I really should be in there.

Everybody knows the order goes: the father and then the mother and then... who gives a crap, because I would be in there.

You know what I think?

I think you and the merlot need to breathe.

No, look, I was there when Kristin had her babies.

I kept her calm, I soothed her when she was nervous, and I should be there for Mandy, too.

You know, well, I think Kris is doing a lot of that stuff for Mandy.

Mandy feels, uh, protected when Kris is there.

Yeah, but I would protect her.

(SIGHS)

You know what, you're better at the loving support.

Kris... she's more like a...

like a biker.

(SIGHS)

Well, she has made her decision, and I just have to live with it, so...

Do you have to live with it?

- I mean, you can keep it all inside, or...

- I know, I know.

- KRISTIN: Mom?

Dad?

- BOTH: In here.

Hey, uh, do you guys mind if I take some pictures of your bedroom?

Sunshine wants to start preparing her vibe. Hey, you want to mess with her head?

Take pictures of the b*mb shelter downstairs.

And actually, that's not a bad option, 'cause you can't hear people screaming if you shut that door.

Uh, sure, honey.

A-And then, you know, maybe we-we could talk a little bit about...

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Oh.

Uh, what a shock.

Sunshine.

- (LAUGHS)

Hang on.

Sorry, Mom.

- MIKE: Uh...

Yeah?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.

Yes, I know, you're the midwife, but Mandy... you know, the woman having the baby...

she doesn't like your playlist, so we'll be going with hers.

- Yeah.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

You don't need to call her and talk it over.

I am her big sister, and I say no.

(WHISPERS): Yeah.

Blessings to you as well.

Oh, throw a little shade on Sunshine.

No, no, no, she's okay.

She just needs to be sorted out every now and again.

(SIGHS)

I still can't believe I get to be by Mandy's side when she has her baby.

Ah, I'm sorry, you were saying, Mom?

You wanted to talk about what?

I think it is amazing...

amazing how you're taking care of your sister and you are keeping her safe.

It really...

really is wonderful.

Mm, I'm just trying to give her what you gave me, lady.

You know what, that, that was an experience that I will treasure forever.

And... if I can't be in the room with Mandy, then I, I am really glad that she gets to share this with you.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you.

Oh.

Dad?

You okay?

(HOARSE VOICE): Yeah.

I was just thinking about that mattress.

You take good care of my little girl.

Oh, don't worry, there is no ass I will not kick for Mandy.

And she made a New Age witch cry.

Kristin said she'd kick ass for me?

She sure did.

I had to clean up the language a little bit.

Them bikers are salty. Hey, guys.

Hey, I know we didn't have a playdate scheduled, but something came up.

Can Evelyn stay and play with Sarah for a bit?

Is that all right with you?

Of course.

I want those angels to play together the rest of their lives, just like me and you did.

I'm not telling that story again.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, where we offer free courses on hunter safety, mountain climbing safety, boater safety.

I'm sure you're thinking, "That's pretty generous of Outdoor Man".

But you know what, truth is, we've learned over the years, dead customers tend to buy a lot less gear.

- (BEAR GROWLS)

- So we do our best to make sure everyone who ventures into the outdoors makes it back indoors.

- Preferably with good credit.

- (COINS JINGLE)

And just like our store is committed to protecting its customers, as parents, our number-one job is to protect our kids.

From the moment they're born, we spring into high alert, on the lookout for choking hazards, sharp corners and, oof, public television.

Man, it's exhausting.

But if you raise your kids right, you'll get to enjoy the passing of the baton as they start taking care of each other.

If you raise them wrong, they'll be striking each other over the head with that baton.

Now, it can be a little bittersweet when your kids take on responsibilities you've always fulfilled.

Like, "Hey, maybe they don't need us anymore".

Or you could look at it like this.

(CHUCKLES): "Hey, they don't need us anymore!"

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)