09x07 - Piss

[bunniefuu]

- Thank you, Tyrone.

- [Tyrone]

No problem, Ms.

Lahey.

I got you.

[screaming]

Jim!

Oh my God!

Hey, Barb.

How was the girls' night?

[whimpering]

- [Jim]

What's the matter?

- [whimpering]

Oh...

[slurring]

Randy and I were just practicing for a play in the bl...

- [whimper]

- Sorry, Barb.

Things got a little out of hand.

A little out of hand?

Oh, my God!

And to think that I was going to sleep with you again!

Look, I'm ready when you are, Barb.

Oh, my God!

You said that it was over between you and Randy!

See you later, Mr. Lahey.

Well, needless to say, we're done, Jim Lahey!

[sobbing]

Well...

I guess this calls for a little drinkie-poo.

[singing]

♪ Lahey, Lahey Crockett ♪
♪ King of the wild frontier ♪

[choking, coughing]

[laughing, coughing]

[croaking]

Ah!

Whoo!

[theme music playing]

You guys all set?

Mow-Em-$ayin's up and rolling, Jules, y'know I mean?

[J-Roc]

We got lawn mahfuckers, we got whizziper-snizzipers to f*ck over the flowers in the park, y'know m'sayin'?

And check it out, dawg.

We even got hard tack to look like hard cr*ck, huh!

cr*ck?

This sh*t don't look like cr*ck.

Have you ever even seen cr*ck?

f*ckin' rights, I seen cr*ck.

When I was in the joint, that's what's real.

You been to jail, white boy?

f*ckin' rights.

Three times, my man.

Last time was for assaulting a police officer, too.

Huh.

Oh, sh*t.

You b*at up a Five-O for real?

Uh-huh.

Mahfucker stepped to me, you know I mean?

What was I supposed to dizzoo?

In that moment I was, like...

I can try to run for my lice or I could b-bap.

So that's what I did and he went down flat on he back.

I took the mahfucker out.

He must be still in the hospital.

He is, man.

But for different reasons.

He has some personal issue.

But the point is, I didn't want to tell you, dawg.

You know why?

I don't want you to copy my lice.

I want you to have your own lice.

That's why I want you to do as I si-zay, not as I di-zoo, dawg.

And that's what's up.

Don't worry, I won't do that sh*t.

[Julian]

All right, we gotta roll, you guys.

- A'ight.

You ready, fam?

- Yeah.

Collect your cr*ck, put it in the baggy.

The rest, we'll leave these mints as a treat for when we get back, a'ight?

Maybe we'll go through drive-thru - and get a slushie on our way.

- Yeah.

Don't forget your cr*ck.

And remember what I said.

Five-O step to you, you talkin' about, "I found it on the ground, I'm lookin' for a public trash to put it in." - A'ight?

- Yeah!

Nice f*cking work, Jacob, man!

You're really starting to get like Hank at this.

Who's Hank?

I don't f*cking know him personally, dummy.

He's the guy they talk about when you get good at something.

Anyway, man, good job.

This is f*cking awesome.

It feels good not to be breaking the law anymore.

- You're such a great granddad, Ricky.

- Thanks, man.

- [Julian]

Hey, Ricky.

- Hey.

Look, man, that appraiser's coming to Sunnyvale today, so we've got to make sure that inspection doesn't go well.

I'm going to need you to help J-Roc f*ck over the park.

I can't go to the f*cking park today.

I'm supervising Jacob.

He needs me.

You know how f*cking dumb he is.

No offense, Jacob.

All right, it's not a big deal, I guess, you know.

It's probably not going to be that big of a deal for you to tell Lucy that it was all your fault.

What was my f*cking fault?

That the park was sold to some company because you couldn't come up with a way to f*cking scare the appraiser off.

Like f*ck I can't.

That's a f*cking joke.

I can do that.

All right, then.

Good.

Okay, so I can do whatever the f*ck I want?

Just don't go too f*cking crazy.

[knocking]

Julian, could I have a little word with you?

[Julian]

Is everything okay?

Uh.

It's, um...

It's Jim.

Apparently, he got drunk last night and apparently he and Randy...

[sobbing]

That's horrible.

That's awful, Barb.

I'm real sorry to hear it.

Ah, It's fine.

It's fine, I'm fine.

It's good, actually.

Um, it's just...

I could use your help showing the park to the appraiser today.

Can you...

can you...

[clears throat]

can you do that, Julian?

I'd love to, but I've got way too much sh*t to do here, Barb.

Oh, Julian, please.

I really need this deal to go through.

I'm done with Sunnyvale.

Please, Julian.

All right, for you.

I'll help you out.

But just one condition.

- This comes in with me.

- Oh, thank you!

[quiet chuckle]

[Julian]

Everything will be okay.

Okay.

[sobbing]

How much...

How much longer, for Christ's sake, Bubbles?

It's not going to be much longer now.

Just make sure you've got your money out, everybody.

I could eat the arse out of a g*dd*mn skunk!

Jesus Christ, it's a lunch buffet.

It's going to be ready at lunch.

I've got a big, dirty buffet happening today.

It's coming down to the f*cking wire with Eon's.

I've got to make a payment on that shed and the furniture and all the sh*t I bought or I'm going to f*cking lose everything.

Larry, put the f*cking chips down!

[crunching]

Sorry I'm late.

I overslept.

30 or 40 seconds might constitute "overslept".

Three hours is direct insubordination, soldier.

I'm not a frigging soldier.

I'm an assistant trailer park supervisor.

Why do you smell of liquor?

Did you bring alcohol into this park again, soldier?

No, I didn't bring alcohol in this park.

And my name is Randy, you frigging jerk.

I want my walkie back.

You had no right to take it, Leslie.

It's my personal walkie.

You will address me as "Colonel"!

I did not do four tours of duty in the Gulf to be disrespected by some hairy-assed bowling ball.

Four tours?

I thought you told Mr. Lahey you only did two.

[approaching vehicle]

You know the drill, Julian.

Ditch the drink.

Leslie, why are you dressed like that?

I've got appraisers coming to look at the park today and I want them to see it as warm and inviting, not a bloody army base.

With all due respect, a rule is a rule.

Well, with all due respect, Leslie, are you an employee of this park or not?

My mission is to maintain...

[Barb]

You're not on a mission.

You were hired to do two simple tasks, one of which was to keep Jim Lahey sober, which you failed at miserably because he got drunk last night.

Drunk?

Yes!

Some would say wasted!

And made some bad life choices!

So would you please go over to Jim's trailer and keep him there, and let the adults take care of the park.

- Open the g*dd*mn gate!

- [engine ignition]

Cheers.

Close the g*dd*mn gate!

Goddammit!

[Ricky]

I'm in charge of f*cking over the park when it get appraisalled today and, as luck would have it, it's piss-jug season.

I've done more community service than anyone and over the years I've figured out the scientifics of it.

Truckers grab coffee in Moncton but don't have time to rock a piss and three hours later, they're coming through here and they can't hold it.

My old man used to call it Piss-Jug Alley.

Dude, look what I found.

No f*cking way!

This came out of the old man.

Looks like he was f*cking drinking, too.

Yeah.

Home-made f*cking wine.

Good find, Cory.

The old man's f*cking piss.

- [music playing]

- [chatter]

Neapolitan Charlie, that's not for f*cking with.

- [meowing]

- Jesus.

[Julian]

Hey, Bubbs.

Julian, check out the line-up.

A couple more hours like this, I'll be able to squeak by for a few more weeks.

Look, buddy, you've got to wrap this up as soon as possible.

There's going to be some sh*t going down soon.

What?

What kind of sh*t?

I don't know exactly but Ricky's coming by to do some stuff.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

What kind of stuff?

[Barb]

Hello, Mister, uh...?

Pencock, Ron.

Ah, Mr. Pencock.

Well, I am Barb Lahey and welcome to, uh, to Sunnyvale Villas.

I'm so glad that you could be with us here today.

Nice to meet you, darlin'.

You must be Jim.

No, I'm Julian.

Ah, yeah, this is Julian.

He's one of the shareholders here at the park.

And who do we have here?

So where would you like to begin first?

Oh, the best thing would probably be to...

Oh, bottle kids!

[glass shattering]

[Bubbles screaming]

Get going, you little bastards!

I am so sorry, Mr. Pencock.

We have never, never had that happen here before, ever.

I did not see that one coming.

[chuckling]

[approaching vehicle]

Jim?

What have you done, Jim?

[howl of desperation]

[hip hop music blaring]

[whir of weed-whacker]

Frig off!

Take my walkie, you frigging psycho.

Richard Dawson?

Jim Perry?

Fergie Oliver?

What the frig?

Private!

I'm not going to buttercoat this, Jacob.

What we're about to do is as dangerous as f*ck but it's for our family, so it's worth it.

[sniffling]

Why in the f*ck are you crying?

I don't want to die, Ricky.

Jesus Christ, we're not going to f*cking die.

I just meant we might get sh*t at or something.

Sorry, Ricky.

What the f*ck is all that?

Armor.

Mad Max sh*t, dude!

Rah-h-h!

Nice f*cking job, Cory.

[bong bubbling]

All right, boys, let's get suited up.

Both of you take a hit off this, get in the zone.

Especially you, Jacob, you f*ckin' p*ssy.

[sniffling]

Thanks.

- [inhaling]

- [bubbling]

[long exhale]

[inhaling]

Ahhhh!

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here.

I can assure, you the seniors usually take great pride - in their yards, don't they, Julian?

- Usually.

[laughing]

I did think it was an interesting bit of landscaping.

- [booming bass coming from bus]

- Well, I can assure you, Mr.

Pencock, that we here at Sunnyvale take pride in creating a sense of community.

- This is not just a place to...

- [bass becoming louder]

[speaking louder]

...to park your trailer.

Y'all want to buy some cr*ck, fat boy?

Oh, we don't have any cr*ck here at Sunnyvale!

What about the cr*ck between them titties?

[Rocpile laughing]

Just get right on that bus there, little man!

Hold your mouths, mahfuckers, y'know m'sayin'?

You don't do that, man.

Sorry about this, you know, Barb's out of the loop lately with the g*ng activity.

But you know...

Don't worry about it.

All right?

I see.

[music continues]

Hey, Bubbs, how's it going, man?

It's not going great, actually, Julian.

Old people apparently like to put things on credit.

And J-Roc keeps driving up and down here blasting "Clap Your Turd Cutter".

[whispering]

These people don't have turd cutters.

You haven't seen Ricky, though, huh?

No, I haven't seen him and that's just fine and dandy.

Why are you looking for him?

What's going on?

Jesus Christ, Ricky, where the f*ck are you?

[Ricky]

You guys ready to take it up a notch?

Hit them hard from the roof-tops.

Okay, let's hit them with everything we caught.

[Cory]

Dude, I can hardly move in this.

[Ricky]

You'll be happy you had it on when a rubber b*llet tags you in the f*cking bag, trust me.

I would like to apologize, Mr. Pencock, and assure you that kids throwing bottles and trying to sell cr*ck here in Sunnyvale Villas is not a normal occurrence.

So I'd like you to bear that in mind when you're making your appraisal.

I make an unbiased assessment based on what I see and give it to the client, ma'am.

Somebody will be in contact.

Can we give you some lunch for all your troubles?

Oh, I think that Mr. Pencock has a lot of appointments to get to, Julian.

I probably should be getting going.

[Julian]

Come on!

All-you-can-eat buffet on the house, man.

[Bubbles]

What?

Oh, I am a bit peckish.

- Are you f*cking insane?

- Trust me.

- Look at the size of him.

- Just trust me.

Hah, I missed breakfast.

[whispering]

I f*cking doubt that.

[Pencock]

Ooh, what do we have here?

[Jim]

Barb!

Oh, God, Jim!

I've been looking everywhere for you!

I'm sorry I drilled Randy...

[indistinct]

Jim, please, not now!

Jim?

As in Lahey?

At your cervix.

You must be Mr.

Pencilcock.

Pencock.

And he calls me Pencilcock.

[laughing]

[Leslie]

Jim!

Let's go.

- f*ck off, Leslie!

- [thudding]

[Bubbles screaming]

Incoming!

Pull!

[screaming]

[man]

Incoming!

Pull!

Sweet potato!

What is happening?

Pull!

- [panicked shouts]

- Run for your lives!

- Pull!

- [laughing]

Yeah!

Holy f*ck, this thing's awesome, Cory.

What did you say it's called?

It's called a canapulp, dude.

It's Roman.

- Load!

- Pull!

Leslie, you're supposed to be protecting this park!

Oh, Mr.

Pencock, I am so sorry!

This has never...

Pull!

[Barb]

Yeah, I'm so...

[whimpering]

- [crying]

- [cats yowling]

- Load!

- Pull!

[Bubbles]

Julian thought it'd be a good idea to put Ricky in charge of f*cking up the appraisal of the park.

And it was a terrible idea 'cause when you tell Ricky he can do whatever he wants, his brain immediately goes to piss.

And the next thing you know the f*cking sky is raining down with piss-jugs.

And Ricky doesn't hold back, he goes right to f*cking Piss-Jug Alley and gets the gnarliest old pisses he could find.

Look at that.

That's a dehydrated piss, probably 20 years old.

Unbelievable.

Jim, what happened?

I want answers.

You want answers?

I think I'm entitled!

You want answers?

I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth.

Ha!

Get it?

Jack Nicholsimp.

Jim...

You were so close to retiring, goddammit!

Well, the truth is...

I did retire.

I retired from not drinking.

Ha!

And you know what?

It feels f*cking good.

The liquor feels like...

like a familiar pair of slippers that you put on, sitting in front of the fire.

The liquor feels...

like a child's arms around your neck with nothing to give but love.

The liquor feels like...

it feels like home.

You know what, Leslie Dancer?

I don't think your services are required around Sunnyvale anymore.

Pardon me?

I'm going to have to let you go, bud.

You're fired, Leslie!

Frig off!

You think you can fire me in the middle of a w*r?

A w*r?

Hee-hee!

This is just a regular day in Sunnyvale, bud.

Cheers!

The mission is not accomplished and I have no intention of going anywhere, soldier!

A colonel never leaves his post.

You're not a frigging colonel!

I found your m*llitary ID that says you're only a private.

Wait a minute!

You're private-- [howling]

Don't you f*cking say it!

- [g*n cocking]

- Shut your g*dd*mn mouth!

Shut your mouth, Randy.

The g*dd*mn booze did this!

It needs to be destroyed!

Pick it up!

Pick it up now!

Hop to, fat boy!

Hop to!

Me, too?

You, too, you furball!

[brakes & tires screeching]

I can't f*cking wait to see the look on George's face.

It's going to be f*cking awesome!

- f*ck!

- Oh, sorry, Ricky.

I was supposed to put that in the garden.

- The f*ck is it?

- It's call a ge-nome.

Lucy got it for George for his birthday.

[door opens]

[George]

Great.

What do you want, Rick?

We just sat down to dinner.

Oh, you guys have dinners, do you?

Yeah, we have dinner.

It's nothing major.

I'll say.

These are the cheap chicken fingers.

You can tell 'cause of the tiny little crumblies on them.

- What do you want, Rick?

- Nothing, really.

I just stopped by to tell Lucy how f*cking awesome I was today at the park.

And because I was awesome, we're going to get it back.

So I'm moving us, my f*cking family, back there to live.

What do you think?

What?

Okay, look.

Things here are going pretty well.

Um, it's warm and there's running water and the baby is happy.

So...

Lucy, I'm going to get my trailer back.

It's warm.

It's got running water.

And I'll get you guys f*cking corndogs and pepperoni and chicken fingers, except I'll get the good kind, not these old shitty ones, these little f*cking chicken sticks.

So let me guess.

You're banging him again.

Well, he's letting, us stay here, so...

You heard the lady, bud.

Probably just best you move on.

Trin, what about you?

I have to do what's best for Moe.

Maybe once you get your trailer back.

So...

Let's dig in.

f*cking ge-nome shitty crumbly chicken stick f*cking family-stealing assh*le.

- [glass shattering]

- Sorry, Georgie!

I accidentally flung your f*cking birthday present through your neighbor's window!

f*cking assh*le.

[engine ignition]

It looks like this is the end of...

Do you want to know something funny, bud?

You can destroy this liquor but you'll never destroy the liquor 'cause it's bigger than all of us.

It's bigger than you.

It's bigger than me.

It's even bigger than Randy!

[cackling]

It looks like we're out of liquor, buddy.

We better hit the LC.

We're gonna get drunk tonight.

- Big time.

- Let's go.

[sobbing]

Oh, God!

[sniffling]

[gasping]

Barb!

Oh, God.

Oh, Donna, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were still back there.

My God, what are you crying for?

Oh...

They just called about the appraisal, which is screwed.

And Jim is drinking.

Oh, men are f*cked anyways!

Don't think about it.

I really thought that this time it was different.

Oh, look, I'm a mess!

Oh my God, don't be ridiculous!

Look at those lashes!

You're gorgeous!

Oh, yeah, look at my face.

Oh, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

You know what your problem is?

You need a nice massage.

Oh, God, I really don't, Donna...

Yes, you do!

Come on.

Honestly, Donna.

Let me give you a nice massage.

I just don't think I can...

Oh, you're so uptight!

You need a nice massagee-poo.

[sobbing]

[Donna]

Come on...

[Barb crying]

Jesus Christ.

It looks like you did all right, considering, man.

No, I didn't do all right!

I'm f*cked, Julian, thanks a lot, thanks.

Look, man, I'm sorry but I had no idea Ricky was going to do that, okay?

We had to f*ck over the park.

It had to be done, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, you borrow money off me, which you don't even f*cking pay back.

Then you wreck any chance I have at making legitimate money.

Like, I'm f*cked here, Julian.

Look at this.

My payments are due...

what's that say?

Don't pay attention to that garbage.

Final Notice!

They'll give you an extension.

Oh, they'll give me a f*cking extension, will they?

Yeah?

Listen to this.

[recorded voice]

This is a message from Eon's.

Your account is in serious arrears, please make payment in full by tomorrow or your account will be handed over to our collection department.

Thank you for not paying a cent at...

You know whose voice that is, Julian?

You know whose voice that is on there?

That's a computer's f*cking voice, which means they're not f*cking around.

I'm in the system here.

This is serious!

Look, man, I'm sorry but I'm telling you.

I honestly did not know Ricky was going to do that.

Oh, you didn't know what Ricky was going to do, did you?

[Ricky on voice mail]

Hey, Bubbles.

How's it going?

I heard your buffet got f*cked over today with the piss bombs and I wanted to apologize, but I can't really because Julian told me to f*ck the park over so it's all his fault.

- Okay, buddy?

Talk to you later.

- He's f*cking lying.

I had nothing to do with the piss b*mb att*ck.

You had to have known...

I did nothing, man!

You knew something was going down.

You know what, Julian?

I think I'd rather just be alone right now.

So just do a Michael Jackson, please.

Michael Jackson?

- b*at it.

- Are you serious?

b*at it.

No one wants to be defeated.

[cat meowing]

♪ It doesn't matter who's wrong or right ♪ [whimpering]

[distant barking]

- [roar of airplanes approaching]

- [g*nf*re]

[groaning]

[distant sound of helicopters]

[explosions]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck...

[whisper]

Fucka.