09x08 - A Dancer for Money

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

[vehicle approaching]

[Bubbles]

f*ck off with the f*cking noise!

[theme music playing]

[Leslie singing]

♪ Roll, roll, roll my t*nk ♪ ♪ Gently on cars ♪ ♪ Merrily, merrily ♪ [laughing]

[Ricky]

Why the f*ck can't you just go straight, you tangly f*ck?!

Jesus, Ricky, this looks f*cked.

Can't you run the hoses inside the walls or something?

It's been a couple of hours.

What the f*ck do you think I am?

Flash Lightning?

Who gives a f*ck what it looks like, man.

I'm going to be able to take showers and...

You f*ck off!

I know what I'm doing, Julian.

Trust me.

Yeah, okay, I trust you.

Good luck, man.

For f*ck's sakes!

What the...

f*ck!

O-o-oh, there she is.

Hey, Barb, what's up?

Good morning, Sarah.

Tyrone.

Tyrone, could I have a quick word with Sarah, please?

Yeah, you go ahead, girl.

I think Phoebe's ready for you.

Sarah, I found out what goes on in that room back there, last night.

Okay.

Barb, I know.

I totally should've told you.

Look, a lot of ladies are really getting off on the service that we provide here.

Well, I am not surprised.

I have to say, I...

I quite enjoyed it myself.

Okay, wait.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Oh, I think so.

I have a whole new appreciation for Donna's talents.

I feel like a new person.

Mm-hm.

[Leslie on megaphone]

♪ I've got a great big t*nk ♪ ♪ And I don't give a...

♪ Oh, f*ck!

Go-o-o-od morni-i-i-ing, Sunnyva-a-ale!

I am Colonel Leslie Dancer, of the Halifax r*fles 23rd Halifax...

battalion.

And I am in control of the park.

You are in complete lock-down.

Have yourselves a very happy sunny villa day.

[dogs barking]

What the f*ck is that?

[Bubbles yelling]

What in the f*ck?!

Pass me the pipe wrench, Cory.

Which one's that?

It's the one that looks like a...

stick that's talking.

[high-pitched voice]

Oh, I think it's this one.

- I'm a wrench talking!

- That's the one.

How the f*ck are you two dum-dum tarantula sluts not done yet?

I did everything else.

I got to do this f*cking too?

It's all connected, Ricky.

Just making sure all the joints are tight.

Check it.

[laughing]

Holy f*ck, nice work!

Running water, boys!

Nice work, Rick.

Great job, boys.

Those plants look f*cking awesome!

Look how healthy they are.

Thanks for coming, Lucy.

Listen, do you want to come in that room over there for a second?

I just want to show you something.

It won't take a minute.

Ricky, I'm not going to bang you.

Not now.

Gross!

I didn't say I was going to try to bang you.

I just want to show you this cool...

rock that I found.

It's awesome.

Let's go.

Come on.

Cory, what the f*ck are you doing?

Are you family?

No.

f*ck off.

It's family day.

Sorry, Cory.

- [Ricky]

Hey, Willy.

- That's cool.

Cory, let's go.

The net.

This is going to be awesome.

- What's up, dude?

It's just you and me.

- [phone ringing]

We can work on the motel or...

Hey, Bubbs.

Julian, you have to get the f*ck to the park now!

I can't come to the park right now, man.

I've got Open House.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Leslie's here in a f*cking army t*nk driving over cars and sh*t!

I'm scared he's going to squash one of the oldies.

Or me!

[Julian]

He's in what?

He's in a f*cking army t*nk, Julian!

He said the park's on lock-down and he's crashing over things and squashing things!

You've got to get here!

I think he might have had a drink or two!

Jesus Christ!

All right, I'll be right there.

Okay, just hurry up.

Hurry up, I'm scared.

Okay, kitties, suit up.

Put your f*cking hand down.

What do you want me to do?

I don't want you to do a f*cking thing.

Well, should I check...

I want you to do nothing.

If you have thoughts telling you things to do, - ignore the thoughts.

- Got it.

What are you going to do with the thoughts?

Uh...

Holy f*ck, you're stupid!

Ignore them!

I need a lift to the park, let's go!

Let's go, let's go!

- Hey, one second.

- No, no, right now!

If anybody shows up before I get back, keep them here.

[engine struggles]

[Julian]

Close the f*cking door!

- [van door closing]

- Okay.

[van driving away]

Cha-a-arge!

You bastards.

Oh, my God!

What on earth is that?

[drunkenly singing]

♪ Singing in my t*nk ♪ ♪ Just singing in my t*nk ♪ ♪ What a glorious feeling...

♪ Come on, guys.

Look, I know you don't like it in these things, but this is not a drill, this is an emergency code red!

Emergency ground egress.

We've got to get out of here.

Holy f*ck!

[Leslie indistinct]...

♪ Before I come here...

♪ [Donna]

Jesus!

- Oh, my God.

- What's he doing?

[Donna & Barb indistinct comments]

- I'm pretty scared, girls.

- Ohhh!

[Donna]

It's kind of making me hot, though.

Look at this place!

Nobody in their right mind would ever buy it now.

Leslie, you crazy cocksucker!

[metallic clanging]

Hey now, just, Leslie, you...

f*ck off!

My kitties are in here.

You f*cking...

[shrieking]

[Trinity]

Hi, Moe!

Are you playing with Grampie?

Yes, I'm helping Grampa teach Jacob how to plant weed clones, aren't I?

Hey, Willy, stay the f*ck away from those weed plants!

Jacob, Jesus Christ!

- Sorry, dude.

- Willy...

- Go play with some deerts for something.

- [bleating]

What a perfect day for a picnic with the family.

My two favorite girls, my favorite little man, the sun is shining, the weed's growing, got the good kind of chicken fingers, not the shitty ones like George f*cking had.

It's f*cking awesome.

- And I'm here.

- [sighs]

- It's great, Dad.

- It's really perfect.

Leslie, you f*ck off!

My kitties are in there!

Turn that off!

Bubbs!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Get out of there!

My kitties are in here and he's not squishing them!

Hell, mahfucker, it's like Tiananmen Square up in this, man!

[Lahey slurring]

Julian, what's going on?

[Julian]

Leslie's lost his g*dd*mn mind!

Leslie, stop!

It's not...

it's not me you...

It's me you want, not Julian!

How's retirement treating you, bud?

Retirement?

I'm not retired.

A good soldier never deserts on a mission and this mission is not over.

What exactly is the mission, bud?

If you don't know, I can't tell you.

You drunken sot.

Ricky, aren't you afraid someone's going to find all these weeds plants out here?

No one's going to be out this f*cking way any time soon.

This is where people say they saw the Saskatchawaunch.

Wait, they said they saw that around here?

Dumb people did.

It's probably a stupid bear or a dumb gorillna.

Saskatchawaunches don't exist.

Yeah, but what if they do?

This is no place for a baby.

No way, we're out of here.

Let's go.

[Trinity]

Mom, come on, they're not real.

You know what?

I don't want to take that chance.

What if they are real?

No, f*ck that, we're out.

Lucy, come on.

Jacob, way to go, man.

Thanks for f*cking bringing that up, you idiot!

[distant growling]

What the f*ck was that?

I don't know.

Where's Willy?

- Willy!

- [bleating]

- Dad, let's go.

I'm scared.

- Everybody f*cking relax.

Saskatchawaunches aren't b*llet-proof.

- Grab the camera, Jacob.

- Here.

Oh, that's just great!

That's just...

Thanks a lot, Rick.

That's f*cking great!

You think you're better than me?

You let the liquor back into your life, Jim, and the liquor almost discharged me.

But guess what?

I challenged the liquor.

I taunted the liquor.

I took control of the liquor.

And I made the liquor my bitch!

And the liquor retreated.

I outdrank the liquor!

And guess what?

I will not be discharged!

Already are!

Time to go!

You lose!

Ha!

You think you've won?

You think you're a winner?

Name one single solitary thing that you've ever accomplished in your infantile, messed up little life that's been successful!

- You're a loser!

- Oof!

[Randy]

That's it!

You're nothing but a frigging bully and a bullshitter!

Let's go, Leslie!

You and me!

Right frigging now!

Oh, we're going tribal?

That's my specialty.

Once again, I am the one that suffers because of the g*dd*mn liquor.

Okay, Barb, it's not the liquor, It's the men.

Think about it.

When we get loaded, we don't end up driving tanks in our underpants.

Do you know what, Sarah?

You are completely right.

Men are at the center of all my misery.

Yes, who needs men?

Not this girl.

You know what, girls?

Let's take off.

Just the three of us.

Let's pack the car, and drive off!

Okay, you know the special services that we've been offering?

Well, we've saved up $6,000 in cash.

Oh, well, what are we waiting for?

Let's see where the road takes us.

No men allowed.

Like Thelma, Louise and what's his nuts.

[laughing]

Because only one of us is going to be walking out of here alive!

Bust him in the eye, Rand'!

[scattered cheering]

f*cking give it to him, Randy!

Top a biff, Rand', sayin'!

Kick him where it hurts.

- Do your sh*t, king!

- Come on, do it, 1, 2, 3...

"Ignore all thoughts." - "Ignore all thoughts." - [approaching vehicle]

"Ignore all thoughts." "Ignore all thoughts"...

Jeez.

"Ignore all thoughts." Hi.

We're here for the open house.

I know we're a bit early but...

Are you the owner?

No, he's not back yet, dude.

Oh.

Well, okay, then.

We'll come back a bit later.

Okay.

Uh, wait, no, actually, uh, he said that if people come I have to keep them here.

But he also said do nothing.

So I don't really know what to do.

And...

I...

I've got to calculate.

One second.

Okay, you know what?

He said people stay here after he said do nothing, so I think that cancels it out.

So...?

So you can stay!

Well, that's great.

Do you mind if we have a look around?

No, go right ahead.

Actually, I'll show you but I just have to ignore all my thoughts - of showing you.

Let's go!

- Okay.

Holy f*ck, they do exist!

There's one of those sh*t-covered sticky whores right there.

- Release the goat, you assh*le!

- [g*nsh*t]

- [bleating]

- Do you see that f*cking thing?

- [Jacob]

This is f*cking crazy, Ricky!

- [g*nsh*t]

- You okay, little buddy?

- [bleating]

Holy f*ck, you smell like sweaty gravy.

The cocksucker must've got armpit juice on you.

Here, Jacob, you f*cking carry him.

f*ck, he stinks!

[sniffing]

[Julian]

Throw a punch, Randy!

f*ckin' crank him, Randy!

I'm not scared of you.

[J-Roc]

Rand', jack him, dawg!

You know what, everybody?

I found Leslie Dancer's m*llitary I.D., and he was never a colonel.

He was just a frigging private!

- [gasping]

- [sirens in distance]

[Bubbles]

Hang on.

So he's...

Private Dancer?

Like, dancing for money?

[laughing]

- Time to put you down, soldier.

- [sirens getting louder]

[Lahey]

Leslie, hang the f*ck on!

Don't you hurt my Randy, Private Dancer.

It's Colonel Dancer, you...

idiot!

Drop the w*apon now!

Stand down, soldier.

You're pointing a w*apon at a colonel.

Is that Private Dancer?

Private Dancer, lower your w*apon!

It's Colonel Dancer!

Aaargh!

[Lahey]

Get him, Randy!

[wet thud]

Argh!

Say I'm a Private Dancer!

f*ck!

Randy's checking his oil!

- [J-Roc]

Looks like he down a quart too.

- [laughter]

Say it!

I'm a Private Dancer!

Get your g*dd*mn thumb out of my a-a-a-ss!

[laughing]

Yeah!

High five!

No, no.

I can't believe he stole a f*cking t*nk.

The w*r's not over yet.

[J-Roc]

Hey, Private Dancer, [singing]

♪ Do what they want you to do ♪ - Sayin'?

- [laughter]

[singing]

♪ He checked your oil Private Dancer ♪ [laughter]

Endless jokes!

Randy, oh!

Thank God you're safe!

I love you, buddy.

Randy, I didn't know you were an André the Giant fan.

Who's André the Giant?

What?

The thumb up the arse, that's an old André the Giant move.

He used to do it to Hogan.

I don't know who he is, Bubbles.

Sir, we'd like you to come back to base and make an official statement.

It would go a long way in putting this lunatic behind bars for good.

I'd be frigging happy to.

Hey, Randy, do you want me to come with you, bud?

- I'm not going to be long, Mr.

Lahey.

- No?

I'll be right back.

Thanks a lot for protecting me, Randy.

Who's a loser now, Dancer?

[cackling, drunken muttering]

[sighing]

f*ck!

Eon's!

Cocksuckers!

[man]

So, we'll talk to the bank and be back to make an offer.

Thank you, young man.

You've been very helpful.

Oh, thank you.

You know what?

No one's ever called me helpful before.

Ever.

That's awesome!

Serious.

Where is that f*ckin' Julian?

We're moving in!

What's up, old people?

Julian!

[Cory]

Excuse me, where are you going?

You can't go in those rooms.

Hold on!

[Marguerite]

I'm taking number 8 and I'm not paying that first month of rent either.

[Cory]

Wait!

f*ck, buddy, I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, it's all right.

I guess it was...

kind of too fancy for me, anyway really.

On the bright side, you can come live at the motel with Ricky and I, you know?

Until we get everything figured out.

Yeah, I'd like that.

I love you, man.

Love you too, Julian.

Hey, Jim.

- Hey, Julian.

- You did it.

You always wanted Sunnyvale all to yourself.

It's all yours, bud.

You're a winner, man.

Let's go home.

Whassup, dude?

Dude, it was crazy.

We saw a frigging Sasquatch!

Ricky sh*t at it and scared it away.

It was nuts!

Whoa!

Are you serious, dude?

Yeah.

Oh, he's serious.

He uh, he took care of basically everything.

So...

I'm f*cking turned on right now.

Can we do this right now, please?

Let's do it in the shower.

Cory, shampoo and two towels.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's go!

- Let's go!

- No showers, dude.

All the seniors from Sunnyvale came and they were stankin'.

They're all showering at once?

I hope you turned up the f*cking pressure.

Well, I thought about it but then I ignored the thoughts just like Julian said.

I did nothing.

What the f*ck is wrong with your brain?

Go turn up the f*cking pressure!

- Uh...

uh...

- [indistinct comments]

It's the other way, dummy.

f*ck.

[struggling]

f*ck off!

Ah!

f*ck!

[plumbing rumbling]

What the f*ck?

- [yells]

- [Cory]

Oh...

sh*t.

What the f*ck!

Way to go, Cory!

What the f*ck's going on here?

Julian's going to f*cking k*ll you, Cory!

- Holy f*ck!

- Holy sh*t...

Oh, my f*ck.

[screaming]

I'm sorry.

It's...

It's him!

Way to go, Cory!

You've just completely f*cked the entire motel!

I didn't do anything.

f*ck!

[drunken humming]

[bottles clinking]

[Bubbles]

The valves are all stripped, Julian.

I can't get it off.

The f*cking floors are just done Even the walls are getting all gummy.

It's done.

So you have no idea how this happened, huh, Rick?

Bullshit!

It wasn't my f*cking fault, okay?

Things just got f*cked.

I wanted to get banged, things got hooked up and then all these old cocksuckers took over the showers.

It's Cory's fault.

You told him not to think and he didn't f*cking think.

He f*cked it up.

My fault?

No way, dude.

I did a good job, man.

I met two people today that said I did such a good job that they're coming back to make an offer.

Someone's going to make an offer?

Yeah, dude, I got your back.

Well, they're sure as f*ck not going to make an offer now!

You put that f*cking hand down!

Thank you to whoever f*cked up my hotel, whoever you are.

How in the f*ck are we going to get Sunnyvale back now?

Huh?

Thank you, guys!

Way to go, Cory.

Hey, Cory, great job.

- Oh, right.

It's National Opposite Month.

- [sobbing]

You suck, dawg.

J-Roc, leave him alone.

It's all right, Cory.

I give up, man.

[panting]

Guess it's just...

me and you now, bud.

Oh-h-h-h!

Oh!

Got a nick...

pickle All the day...

you have good luck...

hm!

Ah!

[sighing]

I'll never f*cking doubt you again, buddy.

It was a craziest f*cking thing I've ever seent.

Forward fast through all this sh*t.

[Julian]

That's f*cked!

I know I said I didn't want full insurance at the time, but is there any way you can slide it on there now, - for f*ck's sakes?

- Keep going.

[Julian]

Yes, I'll f*cking hold.

Just hurry the f*ck up!

Keep forwarding fast.

- Where is it?

- Past this sh*t.

I don't see anything.

Just a second.

It's coming up.

Hit go!

Hit go!

It's right here.

Look at that f*cking thing!

[Bubbles]

My f*cking God!

- That's a f*cking Samsquamptch!

- I know!

[Bubbles]

Jesus Christ, Ricky, you got him.

What did he sound like?

It was just kind of groany and sh*t.

You should've smelt the f*cking thing.

Oh, I know.

They're dirty, rotten, filthy whores!

It must be just a baby.

It's only like six feet tall.

- My God!

- All right, thanks a lot.

- Cool, huh?

- Flood insurance is a no-go.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

What are we going to do now?

That Squamtch is out there.

He's worth a lot of money.

If he's only a six-footer, I bet you we can take that cocksucker down.

- [chuckling]

- [sighing]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck...

[whisper]

Fucka.