09x13 - Your Move

[bunniefuu]

I left all my emergency numbers in this folder here in case something crazy happens.

What can happen?

You'll only be gone a week and Chuck and I are here.

I'll be gone for a week; you and Chuck are here.

- Crazy happens.

- (KRISTIN CHUCKLES)

Dad, I'll be fine, okay?

You said yourself that I was ready to handle the store for a trial run.

When it's something this precious, the thought of something going wrong really drives me crazy.

Aw.

That sounds sweet, but he's talking about the store.

No, I wasn't.

I was talking about K...

uh...

Kristin.

And what are you two standing there for?

Oh, we've come to witness the... the passing of the Iron Throne.

- Yeah.

- The conquering of Mount Ego.

And the breaking of your high horse.

(CHUCK LAUGHS)

Can she control the power of the One Chair?

Or will she simply stand?

Okay, gentlemen, you've had your fun.

Let's let my dad finish his instructions in peace.

You hear her?

Look at that.

She's getting rid of us just like the old man.

Outstanding.

Mm-hmm.

She's a natural.

- Like Frank Sinatra Jr., only good.

- (CHUCKLES)

Doobie-doobie... get out.

(LAUGHS)

We believe in you, even if he has his doubts.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, I don't have any doubts.

I know you can do this.

- Really?

- Yes, yes.

Is that why you picked the slow period for my trial run as Supreme Ruler?

That's what I'm changing my title to, by the way.

Stuff happens, honey, stuff happens.

You know, everybody thinks they can fly the plane until the props stop.

You remember that, right?

- Dad, I've got this, okay?

- Okay.

If you think about it, I've been training under you

- my entire life.

- Right.

I just don't know if you were paying attention.

Are you gonna stand there gabbing at me all day, or am I gonna get some work done?

You were paying attention.

All right.

Do well.

Doobie-doobie...

out.

♪♪ Boy, Sarah and Evelyn have really enjoyed this sandbox.

JEN: Hmm.

Everyone likes a private beach.

Zuckerberg's is on Kauai...

which, ironically, is public knowledge on the Internet.

VANESSA: Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, but now they're running around a lot more, I-I think they need something more active.

A jungle gym?

Or, more correctly, a jungle "Jill"?

I was thinking more of a seesaw.

I mean, the girls love it at the park.

- Hey, Mrs. B.

- VANESSA: Hey.

Hey.

I got your text.

What's up?

Um, we were thinking of upgrading the girls' play area.

Oh, like a rocket ship, with flames on the side?

We're thinking jungle Jill.

No, actually, we were thinking seesaw.

I mean, all kids enjoy a seesaw.

Not all kids.

Not the kids left dangling in the air because they weigh less than all the other kids.

I'm guessing.

Well, you know, all kids enjoy rocket ships.

Even the light ones.

Because in space, everybody is weightless.

Well, I-I think the point is to tucker them out.

And in a rocket ship, you just sit there.

But a seesaw, it's a...

it's a vigorous regimen of squat thrusts.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, oh, hi.

- How'd it go with Kris?

- (SNORTS)

Well, Kris has been the acting CEO for minutes

- and she's k*lling it.

- Ah.

So, what are we doing here?

We're talking about building something for the girls.

Oh.

I have a week off and now I've got a big construction project, right?

No, no, no, honey, we don't need your help.

- I am going to be the project manager on this one.

- MIKE: Oh.

- Perfect.

- VANESSA: Yeah.

But just remember, construction's not like cooking.

You can't solve everything with salt.

No, don't trust him.

He doesn't love you, he loves chess.

Hey.

Kyle here?

No.

Shh.

Oh.

You're watching that miniseries about the girl who plays chess?

It's amazing.

Oof!

You have something you want to say?

Oh, no.

No, no.

Enjoy.

It's just that it has a lot of inaccuracies.

Well, I think it's super fun.

Uh, yeah.

I imagine it would be super fun for somebody that knows nothing about chess, but, uh, for me, no fun.

'Cause I know so much about chess.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

Won more than a few tournaments back in Canada.

Few trophies.

Mom had to buy a new shelf.

Wow, I...

I didn't realize you were so good.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't like to brag.

I mean, I-I would teach you, but honestly, even with an expert like me, it would probably take years to get you to a level where it would even be fun to b*at you.

Okay.

Well, if you don't think you can teach me...

Oh, no, no.

I can.

I can.

I mean, actually, it'd probably be, uh, wasting this wealth of knowledge to not share it with you.

Great.

I'm excited.

Me, too.

It's been, uh, been a while since I pushed ivory.

Slid glass.

Waltzed with the wooden queen.

Ah, it's chess slang.

You'll learn.

♪♪ I was wondering how long it would take you to check on your daughter.

I'm not checking on her, I'm-I'm checking on you.

So... how's she doing?

I think she's got what it takes, Mikey.

Yeah, she's like a young, pretty version of you.

I'm a young, pretty version of me.

She's been all over the store, speaking to the staff, asking questions, reading reports.

It's like... like we used to, remember?

I still have a lot of questions.

Like, for instance...

what do you do around here?

Hey, boss.

Hey, Dad.

That was quick.

Well, a little bird told me you're already kicking butt in here.

(LAUGHS)

That little bird, uh, still staring at the donuts?

Yep.

Still is.

Right out...

You moved my tanks.

Yeah.

I didn't think you would mind.

You'd be wrong.

Well, I haven't heard from you in a week, so, uh, I'm assuming that everything's going okay.

Uh... yeah.

Yeah.

It's a...

it's a lot to take in.

Ah, I wouldn't know about that, since I've only run the store for years.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, I am dealing with a... situation.

Um...

But I'll just, I'll just figure it out, I guess.

No, no.

No, that's all right.

What's the problem?

Oh, no.

Not-not a problem.

Um...

Just... a question

- about something.

- Hey, perfect.

Perfect.

You've got questions, I've got answers.

I'm standing right here.

We could do it now, or we could talk about it next Monday.

I-It can probably wait.

Wait a minute.

Is this about f*ring Ed?

- (EXHALES)

- No.

We can't fire Ed.

I think about it all the time.

No, can't do it.

- Yeah, it's not about Ed.

- Okay.

It's-it's about Chuck.

Chuck?

Oh...

(MUTTERS)

Forget about...

You probably heard me bust his balls.

We do that all the time.

Nobody works harder than Chuck around here.

- Other than me.

Chuck is great.

- (CHUCKLES)

- It's all good.

- Yeah, no, I know he's great.

I'm going through the security reports for shoplifting incidents and he's really, really thorough.

- Yes.

- You know, like really detailed.

(CHUCKLING): It's great.

So what... what's the problem with that?

Honey, I've been running this store a long time.

There isn't one issue that I haven't come up against, okay?

So what is it?

I think Chuck's a r*cist.

That's a new one.

I might have to sit down for this one.

- Mm.

- Okay, so...

you think Chuck is a r*cist.

No, no, I'm not, I'm not saying he is one.

I'm just concerned about something that makes me think he-he might be.

(CHUCKLING): Oh.

You're probably talking about the nickname he uses for me.

He only says that 'cause he knows how much I love saltines.

(LAUGHS)

No.

No, I-I don't think he's r*cist against white people.

I-It's about how he treats Black people.

You-you know Chuck is a Black person?

- Mm.

- I'm-I'm sure you probably are aware of that.

When there's a shoplifting incident, it looks like Chuck has two different approaches.

One for white kids, and one for Black kids.

Teenage shoplifters, you're talking about?

Yeah, mostly teenagers.

Right.

So what's the different approach you see?

Well, when a white kid gets stopped, it's really quick...

the stuff they took gets recovered, and then they get banned from the store.

- Right, that's store policy.

- Yeah.

Same policy we kick people out of the store that say, - "Hey, you.

Workin' hard?

Or hardly workin'?"

- (CHUCKLES)

And when it's a Black kid, it's the same thing, except, um, well, then he also takes them up to the interview room, sometimes for an hour.

What do you think he's doing up there?

Hitting 'em with a sock full of pennies?

No, stop that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's not in here.

Well, what do you think the problem is?

It's unequal treatment based off of race, Dad.

Okay.

So what did Chuck say when you asked him about that?

What?

I-I haven't.

I mean, uh, uh, not-not yet.

You're going to ask him, though, right?

I-I...

Yeah.

Yeah, I-I suppose.

Good, good.

Yeah.

It's just really awkward, you know?

Sure.

Sure, that'll be awkward.

Chuck is a good friend of mine.

And-and he's been a big supporter of me training to take over the store.

- Yes, he has.

- I don't know what to do.

I think you do know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

Sitting in that chair is not as easy as it looks.

- Try to enjoy your day.

- Ah.

So, again, the rook can only move on the parallel and perpendicular axes of the board.

Okay, can we just play, please?

I think I have it.

I don't think you do, okay?

This is not Go Fish.

The little one can only go forward, the fancy pepper grinder goes diagonal, and the horsey does a one, two step.

Let's play, please.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

I will try and take it easy on you.

(CHUCKLING)

MANDY (SINGSONGY): One, two step.

(NEIGHS)

What's wrong?

Did I do something wrong?

No, you...

won.

Really?

How?

With the bishop...

Ah!

The pepper grinder.

Okay.

You know what?

This happens.

Sometimes the boldness of an unexperienced player can result in a fluke win.

Let's just play again.

Okay.

(AS KING): Everyone back to position.

(NEIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, watch this.

My castle's going to k*ll your king.

(BABBLING)

Sorry, sire.

(GIGGLING)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Again.

Impossible.

(LAUGHING): This is so fun.

You want to play again?

No.

I have to...

go.

Are you sure?

I-I-I was really getting the hang of this "pushing ivory" thing.

♪♪ And then you run this threaded rod through here and just place the washers and nuts on the exterior faces.

Wow.

How do you know all this?

Oh, look, Kyle, six years of graduate school.

And seven minutes on the Internet.

"Search term: how to build a seesaw".

- Yeah.

- Nice.

Hey, look, don't tell Mike.

He hates it he had to learn everything the hard way and it's available at the touch of a button.

Yeah, well, I had a thought.

A-And just.... just hear me out.

But what if the seesaw was on a rocket ship?

Look, it's-it's...

it's kind of an either-or.

So either we build a seesaw or we build something silly like your idea.

(CHUCKLES)

- Hey.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

What, uh...

what's in the box?

One of my tanks from work.

Somebody snapped the .

caliber right off my Sherman.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry I asked.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm-I'm gonna take off, but, uh, you know what?

Maybe I'm gonna print out some pictures of rocket ships, you know, just to help you see what I'm talking about.

Yeah, that-that would be very helpful, Kyle, because as a scientist, I've never seen a rocket ship.

What's up here?

Wow.

Is he like that at work?

He gets an idea in his head, and he just won't let it go.

- What was his idea?

- (SIGHS)

He wants to build a rocket ship instead of a seesaw.

- Oh.

- Please, it's basically a gazebo with flames on the side.

Did he tell you why he wanted to build a rocket ship?

Hmm?

Yeah, no, of cour...

Right, uh...

Wait.

Why?

He didn't tell you?

Well, I...

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe.

You-you tell me, and I'll see if I remember.

His dad told him he'd build him a rocket ship right before he left and never came back.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, wow.

I would've remembered that.

I...

Yeah, he probably wants to build something for Sarah as a way of telling Sarah that he's never gonna leave.

(SIGHS)

Of course he does.

Right.

So, what did you say when he said he wanted to build a rocket ship?

I...

I mean, I...

- I said it was silly.

- Ah.

Well, you know, you know, there's always the seesaw.

People love them.

They-they got their ups - and-and their downs.

- (GROANS)

You...

honey, honey, you got this.

Hey.

Kristin?

Thank you for coming.

Uh, have a seat.

Damn.

(CHUCKLES)

This is like being called into the principal's office for getting in trouble.

No, no, no, no trouble.

No, just, um...

I was going through your incident reports, and...

Uh, well, great job, by the way.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

But?

(SIGHS)

Okay, I-I happened to... to identify a trend in which you seem to allocate attention to incidents disproportionately when the party involved belongs...

to a specific demographic.

(CHUCKLES)

Say that again.

You hold Black kids who shoplift longer than you hold white kids.

Oh.

Yeah.

Anything else?

And it needs to stop.

No.

Well... u-um, you don't think treating people differently because of their race is a problem?

Here's the problem.

Black kids don't have the same luxury to make mistakes as other kids.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but...

A-And the next time one of these kids deals with the law, the consequences may be far more serious than being banned from a store.

I may be the last person of authority who encounters these kids who actually takes the time to talk with them.

So... no, I...

I can't stop.

- I never thought of that.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Uh, what'd you think?

I was being r*cist?

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

- Okay...

(SIGHS)

My gosh.

My first week in charge, and I totally blew it.

(CHUCKLES)

I guess I-I'm...

I'm not ready for the big chair.

Man, being in the big chair is not about having all the answers.

It's about having the courage and the willingness to go find them.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, and, uh...

... you are doing a great job, little lady.

(CHUCKLES)

"Little lady"?

Sit down, Chuck.

We have to have a little chat about sexism.

Oh.

(LAUGHING)

♪♪ She went there, and...

How?

Hi.

What's the emergency?

Oh, uh, sit down.

I've been doing some thinking.

O-Okay, so no emergency.

I finally figured out what happened.

It's rare, but what happened was, uh, you got lucky.

Every game?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Technically, it's statistically possible and, uh, really the only explanation.

Well, I have another.

I'm better at chess than you.

I was a junior grand master in Canada.

Okay?

I won a -and-under tournament when I was .

I...

You call it a pepper grinder!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No yelling unless there's football on.

There's no football.

What's the yelling?

- Sorry.

- What's going on?

Ryan just taught me how to play chess, and he's mad because I b*at him.

There's no shame in losing a chess game, you know...

or two.

Three?

Ouch.

MANDY: Yeah.

Three in a row.

I guess I'm just a natural.

Yeah.

That's what it is.

(SCOFFS)

It was luck, okay?

I am a very skilled player, and you are...

well, you know, you're... you're you.

I think it's time for you to get off your high horsey, eh?

(NEIGHS)

- (RYAN GROANS)

- Bye.

What?

At what point are you going to tell him that I taught you how to play chess like years ago?

Did you?

We played like every night until you were a teenager.

Did we?

You want to play?

Hell yeah.

(BRITISH ACCENT): All right, King, where do you want me to put the castle?

(BRITISH ACCENT): Good evening, Your Majesty.

♪♪ - Hey.

- Oh, hey.

Ready to get to work?

Yeah, sure am.

Wait, uh, don't we just need one really long piece of wood to build a seesaw?

Well, actually, slight change of plans.

I thought we might go with a rocket ship.

With flames on the side?

Duh.

It's a rocket ship.

All right, we need to move these sawhorses a little bit closer together, and we'll need Mr. B.'s circular saw and his manual hinge boring machine and wood chisel.

We'll start with the base, where the rocket boosters go, then we'll do the side panels, where the flames go.

Hello!

Uh, I-I printed some plans off the Internet, in case you wanted to have a look.

Oh, no, I...

I got this.

Yeah, and we'll also need to build handles to help move around in zero gravity.

Three, two, one, blastoff!

Are you sure you're okay giving up the seesaw?

You seem a little sad.

No.

I'm really happy.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, come on, come on.

Let's-let's get to work.

This thing's not gonna build itself.

♪♪ Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

At least that's how it appears, right?

I look like Baxter.

I sound like Baxter.

But as hunters, we're always messing with appearance versus reality.

It's called camouflage.

We wear camo so we appear to be part of the harmless landscape.

But in reality, we're an apex predator who has already made the blackberry sauce for the venison who thinks we're a tree.

- (CHUCKLES)

Pow.

- (g*nsh*t SOUND EFFECT)

We're hunters.

We can't be trusted.

By the time the duck is flirting with the decoy

- (DUCK QUACKS)

- and it's not quacking back...

(MIMICS g*nsh*t)

... too late, ducky.

Of course, it's not just in the wild where appearances can deceive.

Though hopefully the consequences aren't as bad as they are for the deer and the duck.

A tall blonde might be great at chess, right?

The gruff head of security might be extra hard on you because he actually cares about you.

And a sweet kid might want a rocket ship not so he can fly to the stars but so he can feel grounded right here on planet Earth.

Of course, some things are exactly as they appear, no matter how hard it is to believe.

Like our % off sale on all our camouflage!

Now you see it, now you don't.

Baxter out.

Look, I realize that this is a lot of information to take in all at once, so don't be embarrassed if you have any questions.

A-And don't be intimidated by my excellence and long history as a chess player.

I mean, what I really enjoy most is teaching, so, you know, take advantage of that and soak up all the knowledge you can from me.

So, what do you think?

Should we, uh, try a game?

(SIGHS)

Well, it's certainly more complex than checkers, but...

there's nothing I like better than, you know, learning from an expert.

- So I say let's play.

- Okay.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)