11x06 - How Do You Keep Your Bag So Soft

[bunniefuu]

Oh, f*ck.

What time is it?

Cameraman: 9:30.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

All right, I'll be out in a minute.

So what's up, Bubbles?

Do you want to tell me what's wrong?

Well, it's just...

you know, I've got some things going on and you're always such a good listener.

I thought maybe we could talk.

Yeah, well, thank you.

You know you can talk to me any time about anything.

(Cat meowing)

Well, it's just that...

I think I might be coming a little bit attached to Coolnow.

I don't know exactly how to deal with it.

(Laugh)

What's wrong with that?

Well, I just...

you know, I...

feel like I'm kind of cheating on my kitties, you know.

They're... always been my main thing and...

Hey, you know what?

You're right, You probably should cool it with Coolnow.

Oh, f*ck!

I knew it.

Yeah.

Like, look at this guy.

He's really neglected.

He's so jealous.

Look.

Oh my God, I knew it!

He hates Coolnow, I think...

Bubbles...

Sorry , Coolnow.

I'm just kidding!

Of course it's okay to love Coolnow.

It doesn't mean you love your kitties any less.

You think so?

Yeah, it's totally fine.

You guys can all live in the shed together like a big happy family.

Hey, what do you think of that?

(Footsteps approaching)

(Giggling)

Who's a good Papa's dog?

Bubs, why the f*ck didn't you wake me up?

We're late!

Let's go!

Well, Ricky's still here.

I didn't think there was a big f*cking rush.

Ricky's still here?!

Ricky, what the f*ck are you doing?

You were supposed to be down at the rink a half hour ago letting in the kids.

The plants need food, man!

Ricky, why do you got frozen hot dogs on your unit?

I can't move, boys.

f*cking something going on with my nuts.

They're f*cking k*lling me.

You jacked off too soon, didn't you?

Didn't ya?

Oh, he cranked it.

You know he cranked it.

How long did you f*cking wait, Ricky?

Almost two days.

Two days!

Two f*cking days!

Sam said two weeks!

What are you thinking?

I couldn't f*cking take it.

I was horny.

It was f*cking up my brain!

Now look at me.

f*cking all black and swollen up like a couple of canned antelopes!

Oh, my Jesus!

'cause they're infected, Ricky!

Look at them!

Is that bad?

Is it bad for your balls to be infected?

Yeah.

We've got to get him to the hospital.

Let's go...

No, no, no.

First we gotta get down to the rink before the parents start freaking out.

It's all good, Julian.

Dad's down there dealing with it.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Lahey?

Yeah, my dad.

Oh, Lord baby Jesus.

You're calling him Dad now?

That's what you call someone that makes you with their cock, Julian!

(Theme music)

He's been living in your trailer for one week and you totally trust him?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Holy f*ck, man!

It's not a big deal!

He went down and turned the lights on and let the kids in.

It's fine!

It's not fine!

Think about it!

You think about it.

My dad warned me Randy was f*cking moving in to bust us with the plants.

That's why I moved them.

Why the f*ck would he do that?

Would you please just use your brain this one time, Ricky?

What's going to get us more time if we get busted?

Some clones, or a rink full of plants, huh?

I'm telling you, man, you're wrong.

Dad's on our side.

Would you stop calling him that?

Rick...

just think about all the sh*t he's done to us in our past, all the times he tried to f*cking...

f*ck us over and all the effort he put into it, man.

Just think about that!

This could be his biggest f*ck-over ever and it's gonna be because of you.

Oh, f*cking slutty mother of horny Mary!

I never really thought about it like that.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

f*ck me!

What if you are right?

If he really that f*cking smart?

He could be.

He's not drinking.

We've got to find out the truth, boys.

Bubs, have you got anything there?

I don't know, Julian.

It's all medical f*cking jargon, chromosomes-this and f*cking haemoglobin-that.

I don't have the bandwidth for this.

Well, we've got to find somebody with the brand-width.

Like, who the f*ck can we get to do this?

The same guy that's gonna fix your nuts.

At Sam's clinic.

Seriously?

You couldn't wait two f*cking days?

You truly are a f*cking idiot.

Why don't you f*ck off, okay?

I've been dealing with some pretty heavy sh*t lately.

I had to f*cking jack it.

Oh, yeah.

I heard about that.

Of all the f*cking people in the world, he's potentially your father.

(Laugh)

Maybe we should let him die.

He'd probably be better off.

Can you help us prove Lahey's not his dad or what?

Look, that would take DNA, and it's beyond my capabilities.

But, if we were to get Lahey's blood type, his blood type and his mother's blood type, I might be able to help you out.

Yeah, well good luck with that one, guys.

Wait, now.

So if we can get everybody's blood type, you'll be able to tell whether he's lying or not?

Maybe.

But what do you got?

What do you mean, what do I got?

Well, the Jeep is f*cking driving great, but that was for not cutting off his cock.

This is a whole new f*cking deal.

Listen, you big-lipped f*ck!

You're gonna tell us and you're gonna fix up his f*cking bag or I'm going to knock those big, stupid teeth down your g*dd*mn throat and I'm going to burn your f*cking place down to the ground!

You got it?

Okay, okay!

I'll do it, if...

you burn this place down.

What?

Look, the business isn't doing what I f*cking thought it was going to do.

Obviously I know f*ck-all about Botox.

I've got people coming after me trying to sue me.

But I do have two insurance policies.

So, if you burn this f*cking place down, I'll make a k*lling.

Deal?

(Whispering)

Julian, don't do it.

Come on.

Deal?

f*ck, you're greasy.

Yes!

Deal.

Right.

So just like that?

Let's f*cking add arson to the f*cking litany of charges facing us.

There's nothing wrong with my arse.

It's my...

my nut-bag.

No, arson, Ricky!

(Sighs)

Whoever alphabetized this should be taken out and kicked in the nuts.

Shh.

Just keep looking.

Well, they're not in any f*cking order.

There are just Q's and J's and f*cking everything!

Oh, just wait!

Here's Lahey!

I've got Jim Lahey right there.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

There's no Flower over here, man.

Well, it's not going to be under Flower.

Think about it.

What?

It's Ray Flower.

No, it's Ray Lafleur.

He changed it to Flower.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

The truckers were always teasing him, calling him f*cking Frenchie and frog lips and poutine face, and he was like, “f*ck you guys, my name's Ray Flower now”" Lafleur.

It's right here, Bubs, right in front of your f*cking face!

Well, it's not in any order!

Look, it's in between a Z and a f*cking R!

Here's Tammy's.

It's not my f*cking fault.

Oh, this is the jackpot, though, Julian.

There's Ray's blood right there: type A.

Raymond Lafleur.

Tammy's the same thing.

So what's that mean?

I don't now what it means but it's f*cking critical information.

Look at this: Sexual Health Report.

Look how many times he had chlamydia!

(Chuckling)

Holy f*ck!

Call Guinness Records!

(Wheezing laughter)

Just gotta get Lahey's, and we'll be all set.

Yeah, do you think he's just going to give it to us?

All we can do now is ask him.

We're not going to f*cking ask him for it, man!

He's going to know we're up to something.

But how the f*ck are we going to get it?

I know how to do this, okay.

It'll be easy.

Let's go.

Come on!

Okay, that should just about do it.

Now don't be jacking it or f*cking anybody for the next two weeks or you're going to wind up right back in here again.

You got it, dummy?

Yeah, trust me, I'm never f*cking going through this again.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah...?

How do you keep your bag so soft?

I mean, do you use any special creams or oils?

What?

Not in a g-gay way.

I mean, I've been working on mine for a long time and it's like a calloused old alligator and a porcupine f*cked and had a baby.

Listen, I'm not going to f*cking sit here and have a conversation with you about how to keep your f*cking bag soft.

Are we done here?

Almost.

So this IV should take about 45 minutes to go through your system.

Best thing for you to do is to get back on the gurney, lay back and relax, okay?

Come on.

Get back on the gurney.

Yeah, good idea, actually.

Shut my stupid f*cking brain down for a bit.

Here, let me help you.

Here you go.

Just keep your f*cking hands off me.

Thanks.

Okay.

Oh, f*ck.

(Phone rings)

You gonna f*cking answer for me today, you assh*le?

Oh, right on.

Hello.

Hey, Dad.

What?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

When?

Oh, God damn it.

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

I'll be right there!

Not a good idea, Ricky.

Not a good idea!

What are the kids up to?

The kids?

Well, they went home.

It's pitch black in there.

Ricky: Did you call the power company?

Power company said, first thing in the morning.

That's the best they can do.

First thing in the morning, oh my...

m*therf*ckers, (Muttering)

that's not going to work.

The plants are going to f*cking die.

First thing in the morning, seriously?

Seriously.

Those f*cking assholes!

Yeah, they are a bunch of assholes...

That's not going to work!

We need to get to them right the f*ck now!

Listen, Rick...

We've got to get the f*cking power back on!

You're going to have to calm down, son.

For f*ck's sakes...

Don't worry about a thing, Rick.

Everything's going to be okay.

f*cking assholes.

f*ck me!

I'll call you back, Son.

What the f*ck is going on, Randy?

(Slurring)

No big deal, it's just a couple drinkie-poos, Mr Lahey.

You're drunk!

Yeah, I'm frigging drunk!

Listen, Randy.

You've got to get the hell out of here before the cops come.

Frig the cops!

Let them come.

I guess you'll just have to cover for me, bud.

Randy, you crashed a motor vehicle under the influence.

It's going to be pretty f*cking hard for me to cover you for this one!

Oh, really?

Well, what about all the times I covered for you when you were drunk and crashing cars and pissing yourself and sh**ting people?

Randy, just keep it down.

You're begging for people to call the police.

(Shouting)

Oh, am I being too loud?

I'm sorry for frigging being too loud, everybody!

And guess what?

I'm frigging resigning as assistant trailer park supervisor!

Frig it!

(Sobbing)

I can't take it, Mr. Lahey.

I can't take it.

Randy, it's going to be okay, bud.

Look, just calm down.

I can't take it.

I'm here for you.

Come on.

Let's get in the car and we'll take you home, okay?

I don't know, Mr. Lahey.

Come on, Randy.

I love you, bud.

Come on, get in the car.

You do?

You still love me?

You're darn right I do, Randy.

It's going to be okay.

Come on, bud.

(Clicking)

f*ck off!

Oh, f*ck!

Holy f*ck!

Gorilla Fingers?

Oh, hi, Ricky.

Hey, man.

Listen, I go by Grant now.

Mr. Gorilla Fingers is a thing of the past, okay?

And listen.

I don't have any spare change either.

I gave it all to the guy inside for a tip.

I'm not bumming change here, cock face.

So you're working for the power company now, huh?

Let's just say it was time for a...

uhh... a little change of scenery.

Yeah, I bet.

Being a prison guard's the worst job ever, man.

People think you're a f*cking assh*le right off the bat.

I would have quit long ago.

Well, I didn't actually quit, you see...

they were accusing me of doing things down there, and...

I decided to get lost before they made a mountain out of a molehill, you know?

Yeah, I get it.

Look, man, I could really use your help.

I've got a serious f*cking power problem.

Can you come and have a look at it for me?

Ah...

Listen, just put in a work order like everyone else, okay?

Look man, I don't have time for this.

Between me and you, I'm growing a bit of dope and I've got a serious f*cking problem...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

If there's dope involved here, man, I'm out.

I'm not... going to risk my job over something like this.

No way.

Come on, man.

That's not very good customer service.

Forget about it, man.

Well, you know what?

I was trying to be a nice guy here.

Now look what you made me f*cking do!

Hey!

Get the f*ck in the van and get over the other side.

Get in there!

...f*cking sh*t!

What's the matter with you?

Pansy.

(Indistinct shout)

f*ck's sakes...

f*ck off!

f*ck me slowly, would you relax!

Jesus Christ!

(Engine ignition)

Julian: Hey, guys.

Hey, Julian.

Boom!

That's what I'm talking about.

All right, bring it in, bring it in.

All right, I need you guys to round up some bottles.

I got a little mission for you, okay?

We don't do that sh*t anymore.

Throwing bottles at people is kids' stuff.

Oh, come on!

I'll give you guys a big bag of chips each.

(Giggling)

Chips?

Nobody wants chips anymore.

All right, what do you want, then?

Liquor.

(Whimper)

Okay, I can respect that.

I'll give you a pint.

What?

No f*cking way!

You're not giving liquor to the kids!

Bubs, it's a pint between six of them, man.

It's not going to f*ck them up.

Relax.

Think about what you just said.

Repeat that back to yourself.

We'll do it for a pint.

Julian: Okay.

And some cigarettes.

No f*cking way, Ronnie.

You're not getting cigarettes!

Who's the target?

Lahey.

I want you to aim for the head but not the face, okay?

Make sure you don't stop until you see blood.

Got it?

All right, pound it.

Oh, my f*ck.

Unbelievable.

(Engine whirring)

That ought to do it.

f*cking awesome, Gorilla...

Grant.

You're a f*cking life-saver, man.

I thought I was gonna lose all my babies.

No hard feelings?

Well, I don't know about that, Rick.

My boss has got this thing GPS'd, okay?

I'm not going to get fired over this stuff.

I'm going to have to tell him some fuckwad with a g*n held me up!

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Listen, man.

You seem like a nice guy.

But you make a lot of bad decisions all the time.

I'm not going to get fired over this.

Hold the f*ck on here!

We can work this out.

What if I was to set you up with...

what about a bunch of lobsters?

Have a big lobster party back at your f*cking office?

Yeah, that sounds pretty good, actually.

My boss is a real pig when it comes to that fancy rich food.

There we go.

That's the spirit.

Let me make a call, all right?

You f*ck with me today, you're getting smashed!

Just f*cking letting you know, dickhead!

Yeah, what about the garlic butter and the salad?

Can you throw in that stuff too?

What the f*ck do you think?

Hey, Julian.

How's it going, man?

Well, not great.

Remember Gorilla Fingers, the guard at jail?

Yeah, well, he works for the power company now.

I kidnapped him at gunpoint and he says he's going to f*cking tell on me.

How soon could you get me, like, 20, 30 pounds of lobster?

Tonight?

You can have them by the morning.

Is that cool?

That sounds awesome.

That's f*cking perfect, Julian.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, whatever, Ricky.

God damn it!

Looks like I'm poaching lobsters tonight, thanks to fuckhead.

Why, what did he do now?

He kidnapped a power employee at gunpoint.

What?

Yup.

Oh my f*ck.

(Screeching, thud)

Randy: Camel balls!

Sorry, Mr. Lahey.

Lahey: Oh, Randy...

I'll be right back.

I gotta pee.

Julian, I've got a f*cking bad feeling about this.

Bubs...

There's got to be another option.

Listen to me.

Lahey's been f*cking us over our entire lives.

He even tried to k*ll us, for Christ's sakes!

This is not going to be that bad.

Don't worry about it.

Child: Let's get him!

(Glass shattering)

Lahey: (Groaning)

Child: Keep hitting him.

Bubbles: Oh, my f*ck!

Jesus Christ, Julian!

They're going to k*ll him!

Children: Good one!

Come on, one more!

Keep going!

It's too much!

It's too much!

Call it off right now!

No, no, hang on, I told them not to stop until there was blood.

Child: I think I hit him in the head.

Lahey: (Growling)

No, f*ck this!

I'm going in.

No, no, no!

Just wait a bit longer.

Wait...

Child: Keep going!

Oh, my f*ck.

They're going to k*ll him!

Okay, here.

Get some blood on these, put it in the bag.

Hurry up.

What?

I'm not doing that!

You f*cking do it!

Bubs, I can't f*cking do that!

Think about it.

If I go in and f*cking try to save him, he's gonna be totally suspicious about that.

Hurry up, they're going to f*cking k*ll him!

Hurry up!

You're an assh*le!

Children: That's enough, you guys.

He's bleeding.

Let's get the f*ck out of here!

...get back here!

You stop right there!

Jesus Murphy!

Those little bastards!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Here, get up.

(Grunting)

I'm okay, Bubbles.

I'm okay.

I was just out...

uhh...

collecting bugs with that and I was...

starting to get a cold and just about to blow my nose.

Here, you're bleeding.

Luckily I've got some nice fresh tissue there.

(Groans)

Oh, Bubbles...

Get back here right now!

Who hired you, you little frigging punk?

Who hired you?

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Here, you take one for yourself.

Keep some pressure on that.

But I think I left the iron on in my shed.

I gotta get back.

I'll throw that away.

Okay?

Okay, Bubbles.

You take care of yourself.

That was f*cking terrible.

That was terrible.

Who hired you to do this, right now?

Tell me!

(Groaning)

Okay.

Julian promised us a pint of rum.

Ow!

He said not to stop until there was blood.

Julian!

How'd you make out, man?

Julian, that was f*cking horrible!

That was f*cked!

That can never happen again!

That was f*cked.

I didn't think it would be anywhere near that f*cking crazy.

Did you get the blood?

Yes, I got his blood!

Okay, all we can do now is go and see Sam and see what he has to say.

Oh, that's all we can do?

Maybe we could actually just get rid of that and forget that we tried to just k*ll Mr. Lahey.

Bubs, if we don't use the blood to figure out if he's Ricky's father, then he just went through that att*ck for no reason whatsoever.

Is that what you want, man?

Huh?

Do you want that to be all for nothing?

No!

All right.

Let's go see that big-lipped, cro-magnon- looking m*therf*cker and see what he has to say.

(Engine ignition)

Some people think I'm f*cking nuts but there's been a lot of studying done saying if you talk to your plants, they get growed bigger.

(Metallic crash)

Oh, f*cking whale whores!

Who the f*ck left that right there?

(Sighs)

Okay.

All right, my sweet little ladies, you ready?

Sunshine's back!

(Click)

Ah, for f*ck's sakes!

Jesus f*cking Christ!

(Shaky voice)

Why do you keep f*cking with me?

I'm not a bad guy.

Cameraman: Don't you want to pull the main switch there?

What?

The main switch.

Ohh.

Ricky f*cked up.

Okay girls, here we go!

(Loud click)

Yeah!

Tan my f*cking bear's ass and tits!

I am so, so f*cking sorry for what happened earlier.

Please forgive me and let's just move past this, okay?

You're beautiful, each and every one of you.

I love you guys.

To make up for that bullshit earlier, I'm giving you an extra sh*t of nutrients for supper tonight.

(Spritzing)

How's that sound?

Hear that?

They are f*cking pumped!

Corey: Four!

Sarah: Four words.

One.

First word.

Hug, hug.

Touch-down!

Seizure!

"Saturday Night Fever"?

Four!

Forty-one!

(Laughing)

Fourth word.

(Frustrated groan)

A...

angry!

Arrgh!

Leapfrog!

Leapfrog!

Thriller.

Jesus Christ...

Horny toad!

It was f*cking "Dances with the Wolves", you cow-brained tit-dummies!

f*ck!

Okay, I got one.

Ricky: Hey!

You stupid, heartless, f*cking assh*le!

My dad told me what you did.

Yeah?

What the f*ck are you doing kidnapping people, huh?

And thank you, I'm really looking forward to poaching lobsters tonight because of you, for f*ck's sakes!

Yeah?

Well, I'm really f*cking happy you almost k*lled my dad!

Look, Ricky, that was completely f*cked.

We're sorry.

Is he okay?

Don't tell me you were part of this.

I guess you can go f*ck yourself too then!

Ricky, I didn't want to be!

I didn't really have a f*cking choice.

There's always a choice.

That's why the f*cking guy choiced to invent the word!

Look, man.

I'm really sorry, okay?

I had to get his blood, that's the only thing I could come up with.

That's the only thing you could come up with?

Smashing my dad, the great-grandfather of f*cking Motel, in the head with bottles?

Why didn't you just ask him for his blood type, dummy?

I didn't think it was going to be that crazy.

I said I was sorry, man.

Okay, can we be cool?

Because we've got a lot of sh*t to do.

"Can we be cool?" No, we can't f*cking be cool.

Right now my brain's in override trying to sort out all these think-ages.

And it's really f*cking pissed off at both of you.

So guess what?

One for you, and two for you!

f*ck yourselves!

Nice.

This is great, Julian.

Really f*cking nice.

Way to go.

You can have one from me too.

Yeah?

Well, one right back at you.

Yeah?

Well, two right back at you.

Two back at you.

Three back at you, counting my wiener.

Always got to bring up your wiener, don't you?

Huh?

Yeah, because you always...

ask me about it.

Ah, f*ck off!

Ask me how it is, and if it's still smooth and...

f*ck...

(Dogs barking)

(Clicking, thud)

(Lighter clicking)

(Whispering)

Come on, light...

(Click)

(Glass shattering, flames roaring)

All right.

Let's go.

Bubbles: Guess this isn't so bad.

You guys seem to be getting along pretty good...

together.

This is great.

I can love you guys equally as much and there's nothing wrong with that.

(Giggling)

(Knocking on door)

Julian: Bubs.

Go away.

I'm busy.

I'll just be a minute, man.

I've still got to go out and do some f*cking poaching, for f*ck's sakes.

Yeah, I was just listening to the news there, Julian.

Heard Sam had a bit of a f*cking fire.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, I wonder how that started.

Look man, this is important.

Yeah?

Well, guess what?

Me losing my other best friend 'cause of you, that's important to me.

Like, what are we going to do now?

Everything's f*cked.

Well, things just got even more f*cked.

How?

I got the results from Sam.

We were right.

Lahey's definitely not Ricky's father.

It's impossible with their blood types.

Oh, my sweet f*ck!

Yeah, it's bad, man.

But guess what else?

What?

(Sigh)

Ray's not Ricky's father either.

(Whispering)

Oh, my God.

Ray's not Ricky's father...

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck!...

f*ck off!

Jesus Christ!

(Whisper)

f*ck.

(Light clicks off)

f*ck off.