11x08 - A Liquor Captain Never Abandons A Sinking sh*t Ship

[bunniefuu]

After all these years of working with me, haven't you f*cking learned anything?

Now it could all be mouldy and we could be f*cked, you f*cking dumbass.

I'm a dumbass?

I'm not the weed guy here, okay?

We're in this f*cked-up situation because of you, not me!

(Chuckling)

Whatever.

Whatever...

I can't believe you actually thought Lahey was your father.

Like, what the f*ck is wrong with you, man?

You're f*cking stupid.

Like really, for real, truly f*cking stupid.

(Scoffing)

Look, man...

I'm sorry.

You're not stupid.

Lahey was pretty convincing.

He almost had me fooled too.

I know you've been through a lot, but we all have.

But just so that you know, man, you're my best friend.

I'd do anything for you, okay?

So can we please be cool?

Please.

(Sighs)

Just don't call me the s-word, man.

It's not cool anymore and it's f*cking mean.

All right, man, I promise.

I won't.

Bubbles: (On radio)

Breaker, breaker.

What the f*ck?

Got to stop, bud.

Bubs, what the f*ck are you doing?

Where the f*ck are those two stupid idiots going?

Jacob's got the shits and Cory said, and I quote, "Right on, dude, I'll come with you." Should we just wait for them or...

No, f*ck 'em.

Tell them to meet us up there.

It's just up this road here to the right.

f*cking idiots.

Well, head up the road to the right, right down to the lake, when you're done sh1tting.

Boys, just so you're aware, Jacob's been sh1tting green liquid lately.

Green f*cking liquid.

He's an alien, I'm telling you.

Keep your head on a swivel around him.

Over.

What if he is a f*cking alien?

Like, is it possible he could turn my whole family into f*cking aliens or...?

How many times do I got to go through this with you?

Just because you look like an alien doesn't mean you're a f*cking alien.

He's not one.

Man!

What the f*ck...

What are all these f*cking signs up here?

Free weed?

Free weed?

Right on.

Let's go f*cking get some.

No, Ricky, this is where I f*cking live.

Oh, yeah.

Boys, what the f*ck are these signs?

Oh, f*ck...

Oh, f*ck!

Holy f*ck, boys, is that our weed?

Did you see that?

Yeah, we saw it.

What the f*ck are we going to do?

Like, that's got to be our weed.

It better f*cking not be.

For f*ck's sakes.

Is that Lahey's f*cking camper?

f*ck.

Lahey: (Cackling)

What the f*ck do these idiot want?

Get out of my f*cking way.

Get going!

(Tires skidding on gravel)

(Feedback)

(Slurring)

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the man you've all been waiting for, Julian!

The owner of the free weed!

Various: Free weed!

(Chanting)

Free weed, free weed, free weed...

All right...

everybody...

Everybody shut the f*ck up!

Jesus Christ.

Hey, that old guy over there said that this thing was full.

Come on, man.

Well, that old guy's drunk and he's out of his g*dd*mn f*cking mind.

Hey, bro, that's false advertising, man.

False advertising.

What are you going to do, call the cops on me?

Look, everybody, there's no weed here, okay?

There's no free f*cking weed.

You gotta leave.

(Sigh)

f*ck.

(Whispering)

Julian, this is f*cked.

What are we going to do?

I want you to go up the road, okay, take down those f*cking signs.

Can you do that for me?

Oh, I'll get the cocksuckers down.

Excuse me, who do we talk to about the free weed?

There's no weed.

f*ck off.

Woman: Wo-ow.

(Chuckling)

What the f*ck's going on here, Lahey?

Oh!

Randy, would you get that out of my face.

We were just enjoying a couple of drinkie-poos down by the old sea-side.

Listen...

Randy?

Don't you think you should tell these people to get off your property, Julian?

(Laughing)

This isn't my property, okay?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, it isn't?

Oh, that's fantastic.

Because Randy and I are planning to spend a couple of days down here, just relaxing and maybe working out our wedding plans.

But are there usually that many people hanging out around here, Julian?

I don't know.

I don't have a clue.

I'm never out here.

No?

No.

Don't worry, Mr. Lahey.

If any of these dirty, filthy, sh*t-hippies get out of control, I've got the police on speed-dial.

I've got you on f*ck-off dial.

Julian...

there's nothing sexier than having a powerful man in your grip and watching him squirm.

f*ck you.

Hi, Rick.

Don't give up, guys.

Free weed's a-comin'!

The whole f*cking container's full of that sh*t.

(Theme music)

(Police siren chirps)

Excuse me, sir.

Keep you hands where we can see them.

Yes, sir.

Drop the w*apon, please.

Oh, that's not a w*apon.

That's...

Please just drop it.

...tool from my truck there.

So what's going on here?

Oh...

Oh, you're probably wondering about that crazy sign there, eh?

Yeah, we had a couple of people who phoned in about it.

Yeah, no, that's...

What's your name?

My name is....

umm...

Yeah?

My name's Bubbles.

You guys...

you guys know Jim?

Or Jim knows you?

Jim who?

Oh, there's a lot of Jims.

Maybe you know one of the Jims.

Listen.

What's your involvement with this?

Oh, this here?

It's just a big misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding?

Yes, it's uh...

Why are you so nervous then?

Well, just you know, because of what that says and it's not supposed to say that.

See, what happened my friend, he has a...

he has a big pile of wood actually and he's been trying to give it away and he asked some kids to make some signs and obviously, you know, they're just f*cking with him or they don't know how to spell.

All right, so there's children involved, is what you're saying?

Well...

no, I don't mean there's children involved with that type of thing, I just mean the...

the local kids who come and skip rocks into the thing, they made these and...

their parents are going to f*cking hear about this, believe me, this is uncalled for.

All right, well, listen.

Do you mind if we go down to take a look?

Uhhh, no, of course not.

I've got nothing to hide.

Let's...

let's just go down.

Sounds good.

Okay, you guys...

Yep.

Follow me.

Uh-huh.

Ohh, boy.

Come on, Julian, answer your phone.

Julian!

Julian: (on phone)

What's up?

Did you get the signs taken care of?

Uhh, not exactly.

The police came and they're now following me and we're on our way there.

What?

It's okay, though.

I told them the sign was supposed to say wood instead of weed.

So just get everybody holding some wood.

I repeat, make sure everyone's got wood.

Jesus Christ.

Drive slow, man.

That's nice.

It's kind of like pineapple diesel with a little bit of bubble gum.

Hey, man, what the f*ck?

Everybody's got to get some wood.

The cops are on their way.

You want us to get hard-ons for the cops?

No, no, pick up some wood, some firewood.

Everybody pick up some firewood!

Woman: I'm not doing that.

Put out the joints.

Hold on a second, man.

The cops are on their f*cking way.

Here?

Yes!

f*ck!

Get some wood, everybody get some wood.

Bubbles, what the f*ck did you do, man?

Lahey: Oh, the cavalry are here, Randers.

What the f*ck happened?

Just...

Ricky, just...

See, officers, just...

just like I said.

Look at all the free wood.

If you guys want some, pop your trunk there and I'll load you right up.

Ricky: Yeah, help yourselves.

I think we're fine.

Good afternoon, officers.

Afternoon.

Are you two the owners of this here wood?

No.

We're just here on vacation.

We're just watching the show.

It's my wood, officers.

I just swapped out my f*cking wood stove.

You know, I got a heat pump, I'm saving a ton of money every month.

Air conditioning...

So you live here?

Well, kind of.

So you own this container then, right?

Umm...

it was kind of given to me but not really.

Bravo, ossifer.

Bravo.

It's not his container, no, it was his dad's.

We had to put him in a home.

He got dimensions and started sh1tting all over the place.

Thought he was still storming the jungles at Normanly.

Sir, do you mind opening up the container for us?

Love to but we lost the keys, what...

two months ago, three months ago?

A while ago anyway.

I'll go get the cutters.

Oooh.

Guys, it's not going to work.

It's m*llitary grade.

We tried.

Cutters aren't going to do it.

Go ahead.

Waste more f*cking taxpayers' money, I guess.

No big f*cking deal.

Police officer: I've got a shipping container here.

Alpha-Victor-Bravo one-zero-niner.

Could I get a ownership title for that?

Woman: (on radio)

Copy.

Hi, guys.

I just wanted to formally introduce myself.

My name's Randy.

If you guys need any assistance, I'm actually in training to be a fellow member.

You can't be training very hard.

Oh, my God.

Not the Randy?

The guys down at the station were telling me about the legend of the gut, but I never imagined it would be so massive.

We're going to need a selfie with that.

Definitely.

Ricky: Is this seriously f*cking happening right now?

(Phone camera clicks)

I can't believe you never heard of the f*ck-up that's been trying to get on the force with the disgusting fat gut.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's pretty bad.

That's not very nice, guys.

I'm not overweight, I'm husky.

You look like you ate a husky.

A pack of huskies.

Woman: (On radio)

One Adam 12.

The container was sold in auction to a Reggie Rose.

No other information on file.

Copy that.

I'm sorry.

What the f*ck is it you guys are doing here again?

I forget that part.

Sir, would you watch your language please?

Watch langu...

What are we, at f*cking church?

All right, listen.

There was a sign at the end of the road.

It said "Free Weed".

Oh, okay.

And that's what you think is happening here, is it?

You know what, guys?

You got us.

This container right here...

it's full of f*cking beautiful, delicious weed and we're just giving it away to everybody.

Come on over.

Get as much f*cking free weed as you want.

Tell me you guys aren't that f*cking stupid.

I've never met two stupider cops in my entire life.

Both of you with your good looks, your chiselled features and toned bodies.

It's not hard to tell that that's the only reason you made it on the force.

I'd make a way better cop than both of you two sh*t-weasels.

f*ck, it's bullcock!

All right?

And it's not nice to call anyone fat.

I don't care who you are.

(Mixed cheers, applause)

No...

That's enough.

All right?

Everybody take your wood and leave.

And sir, this is public property.

You might want to move your dad's container.

Yeah, we'll definitely get it out of here for you guys.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

If you don't, we'll have to come back and move it for you.

All right.

Enjoy your day.

You guys did a great job.

Bubbles: Free wood.

That's a beautiful speech, Randy.

Only one f*cking problem: you...

you got rid of them.

I wasn't letting those two hunks-of-sh*t hotshots take the credit for our investigation, Mr.

Lahey.

Frig those sh*t-weasels.

Oh, Randy...

The game's over.

You guys gotta f*cking go.

Why would we leave now, Julian?

We just w...

won round number one.

Where...

I just can't wait for round number two.

You know what?

This isn't even f*cking worth it anymore.

What?

There's not going to be a round two.

You win.

I win what?

You win, Jim.

I know when I've been outsmarted and know when to walk away, I'm f*cking walking away.

You're walking away?

Congratulations, buddy.

It's f*cking bullshit.

Boys, let's go.

What the f*ck are you talking about, man?

We've got to get that sh*t out of the garbage bags, it's gonna go mouldy.

I've got a plan, get in the f*cking car.

Julian, what are you doing?

Trust me.

Get in your truck, follow me.

Ricky: See you later, fuckfaces!

Lahey: Piece of sh*t.

Did you get the f*cking things, Randy?

Holy f*ck, Randy.

This is...

Hey, Randy, you forgot to take this with you.

(Engine ignition, revving)

I hope you know what the f*ck you're doing, man.

Don't worry about it.

Bubbles: (Whispering)

Julian, what the f*ck are we doing?

Let's just go back to the park.

Hang on.

What the f*ck's the plan here, man?

This is f*cking dumb.

f*ck!

Just f*cking wait, okay?

Trust me.

Let's just go knock them out and crazy-glue them.

Julian: No, just stay right there.

f*ck this.

I'm going to crazy-glue their backs together.

Don't you...

Ricky, get down!

Ricky!

I know what I'm f*cking doing.

Bubbles: Let's go to the park before the cops come back.

Cory: 'Sup, dudes?

Sshh!

Crank on my tits.

Get the f*ck down.

Cory...

f*ck.

What's up, dude?

Jacob had stage fright and then we got lost and you guys were gone but guess what?

We followed the seagulls.

And the sun.

What'd we miss?

Julian: All right, that's it.

Go inside.

Close that f*cking door.

All right, boys.

Follow me.

Bubbles: Ricky...

What the f*ck are you doing?

I use this sh*t to wrap around my lobster containers.

You wrap it around a bunch of times and it's as strong as f*ck.

What are we going to do with it?

Wrap them like a f*cking cocoon?

Yeah, something like that.

Here, grab that.

You going to try and suffocate them?

I'm not going to suffocate them.

Cory, get this f*cking thing going.

All right, on my cue, I want you guys to come over to the trailer, wrap this sh*t around that trailer as many times as you possibly can.

Got it?

Cory: Yeah, dude.

You got it?

Yeah, yeah.

Good job, boys, good job.

There you go.

Ricky, Ricky...

(Ice clinking in glass)

(Mouthing silently)

Bubbles: Ricky!

(Whispering)

Shhh...

around the windows.

Ricky, what the f*ck?

Around the windows.

Cory: Here, dude.

Bubbles, help hold this one.

Ricky: Here, hold this, Julian.

These pricks...

Bubbles: Jesus.

Julian: Stop f*cking around Ricky.

Ricky: What the f*ck is wrong with this sh*t, man, it's not working right, for f*ck's sake!

Bubbles: Boys, hurry the f*ck up.

(Muffled)

What the frig is going on...

Bubbles: There's Randy.

Julian: Would you get that thing untangled?

Bubbles: Okay, Ricky, we've got to go.

Julian: Come on, come on.

Roll.

Randy: (Indistinct yelling)

Ricky: f*ck you Randy.

f*ck you!

Julian: Cory, what the f*ck are you doing?

Jesus, look out!

Get out of the way, you f*cking idiots!

Julian: Jacob...

Ricky: f*ck.

Randy: What are we going to f*cking do?

Julian: f*ck, boys.

f*ck you guys are slow.

Hurry up!

Bubbles: Ricky...

boys...

(Indistinct shouting inside camper)

Here he comes.

Duck, duck.

Jesus Christ, Ricky.

It's 11:13am on the 20th.

(Indistinct shouting outside)

Future officer Randy here.

Myself and ex-police officer Jim Lahey are being held against our will.

(Clattering)

Suspects are presumed to be a one Julian, Ricky and Bubbles, all residents of Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Look, Randers.

Liquor stash from the old days.

Right on, boys.

Open the f*cking container, buddy.

Let's go.

f*cking pricks!

Boys, let's go grab some food, take a little break maybe?

I'm f*cking starving.

Cory: Yeah, dude...

Julian: We're not going to take a f*cking break.

Why not?

Somebody broke a piece of wood off in the f*cking keyhole.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I wonder who did that, for f*ck's sakes.

Hey, Julian, why don't you take out your tiny cock and try to pry it out?

(Chuckling)

Why don't you eat my ass, Ricky?

f*ck.

Piss on it.

Piss melts wood, doesn't it?

Would you shut the f*ck up?

f*ck!

Randy: I've tried the door and all the windows but they're all shrink-wrapped closed.

There doesn't appear to be an exit point.

I haven't been trained for this type of situation.

What's the proper procedure, Mr .Lahey?

In this situation, Randy, one procedure fits all.

Have a drink, pal.

We've got to get out of here, sir.

Sshh, what's that?

What are you doing?

Shh...

It knows what to do.

What?

Who?

The liquor.

It can think for itself, Randy.

It's just using our minds as vesicles.

Hey...

a friend...

Randy...

I can communicate with the liquor, bud.

It finally let me in.

You're scaring me, sir.

Shh...

Oh, that's brilliant.

It wants you to drink too, so it can communicate with you.

It's got something it wants to tell you, bud.

Please don't do this, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, you've got the opportunity to talk to the liquor.

Take the f*cking bottle.

We've been given a wonderful gift, Randy.

Wonderful gift.

Because the liquor has chosen us, Randy.

Me and you, bud.

f*ck, it's like trying to break into Alky-traz, for f*ck's sakes.

Julian: That's good, Bubs.

That's not going to do sh*t-all, man.

Okay, boys.

Step aside.

Time to let the big dog work his magic.

Yeah, right on, Bubs.

Winch-wench it.

Yeah, Ricky.

Clip that on there.

Give it to her, buddy.

Bubbles: I don't want to f*ck up your door, though, Julian.

Just rip it right the f*ck off, man.

I'll buy a new one.

Okay, well, stand back, boys.

(Winch whirring)

This thing's going to come off like she's packed with C-4.

Here we go.

(Whirring)

Jacob: I don't think it's working.

Cory: Yeah, that sh*t's tight.

All right.

You know what?

f*ck this.

No, Ricky.

No, no, wait, wait!

I'm not f*cking b*at yet.

Here, I'll get the cocksucker off.

Are you sure this little piece of sh*t has enough power?

This little piece of sh*t?

You think this little piece...

You want to see some f*cking power, bud?

You want to see some power?

Stand f*cking back!

I'll show you f*cking power, baby.

Stand back, everyone.

Give her hell, Bubs.

I'll show you some f*cking power.

Right now.

Here we go.

(Banging on door)

(Grunting)

(Engine revving)

(Screaming)

Cocksucker!

Oh, Bubs, you've f*cked her.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

That shouldn't have happened!

I had her f*cking on there.

All right, look the f*ck out.

Ricky it's..

I'll get the f*cking thing off, right now.

...it's b*llet-proof, man.

f*ck it is.

Nothing's bulletproof.

Everybody get out of the way.

(g*nshots)

Bubbles: Ricky!

For f*ck's sakes, Randy.

They're trying to k*ll us, bud!

Jesus.

Randy: What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Randy: What are you doing, Mr. Lahey?

I'm not doing anything, Randy.

The liquor is.

Randy: You're not making sense.

If they're going to sh**t at the liquor, the liquor's going to return fire, Randy.

Randy: The liquor can't fire, Mr. Lahey.

(Grunt)

I had this f*cking thing in with 12-gauge f*cking screw holes.

It shouldn't have come out.

(Grunting)

f*ck!

You f*cking blocky-block metal fuckface!

You're f*cking everything up!

Hey, dudes, I'm not 100% sure about this but I think I've got an idea.

A what?

An idea.

Check it.

Oh, brilliance, Cory.

You're going to open a m*llitary-grain lock with a f*cking toothpicker, are you?

No, no, dude.

I'm making a wood-magnet so I can pull the other wood out.

A wood-magnet?

Hold on.

Check it, check it.

What the f*ck are you talking about, a wood-magnet?

(Lock clicking)

f*ck.

Right on, dude!

Right on, Cory.

Right on.

I'm using the liquor force, bud.

(Click)

You know what?

That might be the f*cking smartest dumb thing you've ever done.

Yeah, dude...

Ahh!

(g*nsh*t)

(Screaming, g*nshots)

Bubbles: Holy f*ck!

Cory: Oh, God!

My hand is sh*t!

Ricky: You all right, Cory?

Future officer Randy here.

Julian is officially trying to k*ll us.

So if anyone finds this camera, please tell the police to arrest Julian, Ricky and Bubbles of Sunnyvale for m*rder.

Cory: g*dd*mn, dude, my hand!

(g*nshots)

It's gone!

Oh, God!

Tell my mom I love her.

sh*t, dude!

Bubbles: Cory, show me your f*cking hand.

It's barely even nicked!

It's hardly f*cking even bleeding!

Cory, Jacob, I want you guys to zig-zag up to f*cking Lahey's trailer, spin it around.

Huh?

Spin it around?

Yes, spin it around.

It'll confuse him.

He won't know where to sh**t.

It's like pin the tail on on the donkey.

They already got the blindfold on.

Okay, okay!

Ricky: Let's go, boys!

Cover him!

(g*nsh*t)

(Cackling)

(Continued g*nshots)

(Laughing)

Ricky: Go, go, go, go!

Come on!

Bubbles: Julian...

Will you get the f*ck out of the way?

(Continued g*nshots)

...get the f*ck out of the way!

Here, Ricky, keep..

Look out, Ricky!

Cory: Ah sh*t, it got away from us, dude.

Bubbles: Holy f*ck!

Randy & Lahey: (Indistinct screaming)

Jesus Murphy!

Holy f*ck, we've got to call 9-1-1!

We're not calling anybody until that g*dd*mn weed's out of here.

Let's go!

Come on!

f*ck them!

They tried to f*cking sh**t us.

Holy f*ck!

Get my ratchet straps!

We're on a booze cruise, Randers.

I always wanted to go on a booze cruise, bud.

Julian: Bubs.

What?

We're all packed up.

Let's go.

Julian, we can't just f*cking leave them here.

That's the f*cking high-tide line right there.

When the water comes in, they're going to be f*cked.

Julian: You've got them tied up.

They'll be fine.

Well, it's not exactly safe, for f*ck's sakes.

We're leaving.

We've got to go, man.

Come on.

Well, I'll be coming back for them.

Bubbles: (Panicked whimper)

(Microwave oven beeps)

What a f*cking tangled heap of electrical cocksuckers.

Boys, you can't f*cking do this.

Do you know how many levels this is wrong on, Ricky?

Bubs, it's level enough.

All the crystal's coming through.

It's working f*cking perfect.

Ricky, I'm not talking about the angle of your f*cking home-made THC sifter.

Well, there's no turning back now.

We've got to go for broke here, okay?

Just keep reminding yourself why the f*ck we're doing this.

Okay.

Well, I would just like to state for the record, this is hands-down the most f*cked-up thing you guys have ever done.

No, it's not.

(Mixed chatter of kids)

How's it going, kids?

You guys are doing perfect.

Oh, yeah.

Look at all that crystal.

Good job, guys.

Oh, Lord Jesus and Baby Marion.

All right, switch it up down there.

Let's work on our slapshots for a bit, guys.

Kids: ♪ ...crystal off the f*cking weed ♪ (Cellphone ringing)

♪ Weed, weed, weed...

♪ f*ck, it's f*cking Snoop.

Snoop?

How do I answer this again?

Just...

There.

Press that button.

This one?

No, that one right there.

Hey, Snoop, how's it going, brother?

Hey, man, how are ya?

Not good, muthafuckas.

Deal's off.

What?

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Look, man.

sh*t just fell through.

Wasn't nothing I could do.

Do you know what the f*ck we just went through to meet your f*cking choda?

I gave up everything for this f*cking deal, man.

No, I'm just f*cking with y'all, cuz.

f*ck.

You bastard.

I'm just calling to make sure everything is still on track.

We had a couple of setbacks but yeah, man, we're all good now.

What kind of setbacks?

Lahey f*cking with you?

Well, he was but he's probably dead.

I think we just f*cking k*lled him.

For real?

Yeah.

Y'all k*lled that mothafucka?

No, no, Snoop, no, no.

Ricky's just f*cking with you the way that, you know, you were f*cking with him.

Lahey's just, uh...

they're going camping, him and Randy.

Yeah, everything's set on our end, man.

Everything's bottled and ready to go.

Dig this: tomorrow my homeboy, Sammy Ogea, he gonna get with y'all.

Then we can make motherfuckin' history.

f*cking awesome.

Right on.

Cheers, man.

Peace.

(Happy grunts)

Boys, we've got to start bottling this sh*t immediately.

It looks like we're pulling an all-nighter.

No, we need to go down and let Lahey and Randy out of that f*cking death-trap.

Bubs, they'll be fine.

They're tied up nice and good, okay?

We'll let them out as soon as this deal's done.

Let's get back to work.

Ricky: Jacob, get some more f*cking weed on the trampoline.

Look who's squirming now, Lahey.

Julian's attempt to drown us like a couple of rats has so far been unsuccessful.

The camper appears to be watertight.

We still can't get a cellphone reception but I'm going to continue to try and contact the police.

Randy, the ol' shitliner seems pretty f*cking seaworthy, eh, bud?

(Harmonica playing)

(g*nsh*t)

Holy f*ck!

Randy: Oh, my God.

Forget what I said.

We're officially sinking.

We've got to get out of here, Mr. Lahey!

We're going to die.

A liquor captain never abandons a sinking sh*t-ship, Randy.

Randy: But Mr. Lahey, you're not a frigging liquor captain, you're a trailer park supervisor and this is a camper.

It's not even a ship, for frig's sakes.

We gotta get out of here!

(Water splashing)

Arrrr!

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck!...

f*ck off!

Jesus Christ!

(Whisper)

f*ck.

(Light clicks off)

f*ck off.