11x09 - Oh, My f*ck Boys, We k*lled Lahey & Randy

[bunniefuu]

Don't you think we should at least check on Lahey and Randy?

I mean, bring them some food, maybe some water?

f*ck that, man.

They'll be fine.

We'll let them sweat it out a bit, the f*cking assholes.

Snoop's guy's here.

Right on.

(Loud muffled hip hop)

Hopefully he's not a d*ck.

Bubbles: Hopefully he's not deaf, Jesus Murphy!

Keep it down on the volume, guys.

(Louder hip hop)

Waddup, man?

That's one hell of an Uber, cuz!

Waddup?

Sammy OG, Snoop's guy.

Bubbles.

Ricky, my man.

How are ya?

Nice mothafuckin' piece, cuz.

Yeah, man.

Mmm!

Is that the sh*t right here, cuz?

Yeah, man.

Will those f*cking boxes work or what?

Work?

They work, mothafucker!

They perfect!

Mmm!

Beautiful!

(Fingers snapping)

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Listen, the boat'll be here tomorrow mothafuckin' morning.

Get this mothafuckin' deal done!

Yeah!

But right now, my trailer park nizzles, we about to have a mothafuckin' tizzle.

A toast, mothafucker.

I love this sh*t.

Bubbles: About that nizzle tizzle toast...

Tizzle toast.

One for you.

One for you.

Oh, here, just wait.

I don't need one.

I can't drink that.

That'll knock me right on my arse.

Ain't that the whole f*ckin' point?

Yeah, come on, Bubs.

It's a pretty f*cking special occasion here, bud.

Ricky, I don't succumb to peer pressure.

I don't need this.

Ricky: What kind of f*cking peer pressure?

Just do it, you f*cking p*ssy!

Yeah, come on.

I'm doing one, man.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Do it, Bubs!

Do it!

This is what peer pressure is, right here!

What is?

We're not...

Just f*cking do it!

Just f*cking do it, Bubs.

Come on!

Oh, my God!

All right!

L'Chaim, m*therf*cker!

Cheers.

f*ck's sakes...

(Gibberish)

Well I guess there's one more thing to do.

What's that?

Get more f*cked up!

(Laughing)

More f*cked up that what this is going to f*ck us up?

Hell yeah!

Snoop said y'all are just as crazy as he is.

Well, surprise...

So am I!

Right the f*ck on, man!

We should get over to the T Box.

Tyrone and the Rocpile got the bus over there, that'll hotbox the balls right off you!

It's f*cking k*ller!

Oh, sh*t!

Let's do that sh*t right now, cuz.

f*cking right!

Oh, my God, those guys...

Cory: Dudes?

What?

You need to come in and see this right now.

See what?

f*ck, is Jacob turning red again?

Who's the mothafucker in the t*nk top?

He's Cory.

He's not that smart.

A'ight.

Ricky: What did you f*cking diddle dummies f*ck up this time?

Newscaster: (On TV)

The trailer appears to belong to ex-cop turned notorious alcoholic...

Oh my sweet f*ck.

Jim Lahey...

Bubbles: Ricky!

...supervisor of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park, who went missing yesterday with his co-worker and fiancé.

(Snort)

Eyewitnesses report seeing two bodies in the water that eventually sank.

(Giggling)

Police say they have strong leads on possible suspects...

(Chuckling)

...and the investigation continues.

For Channel 10 Breaking News...

Oh my God.

...I'm Steve "No Nonsense" Rogers.

My f*ck, boys, we k*lled Lahey and Randy!

(Theme music)

So how do you like LA, dude?

I bet I'd like LA.

Bubbles: Jesus, Ricky!

Cory, what are you doing?

Get your hand down.

Get back to work, man.

We've got to get this done.

Hey, what's with all the cameras, cuz?

They're just documenting our lives, man.

It's all good.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, f*ck, Ricky!

Oh, okay.

I'm out, dudes, see you later!

Bubbles: Oh my God, this is it, boys!

Hey, where you guys off to in such a rush?

Ricky: We're not off to any place, man.

What's up, guys?

Oh, I think you know what's up.

I'm going to need you to come downtown to answer a few questions about the disappearance and possible m*rder of Jim and Randy.

(Chuckling)

You know anything about that?

No.

No idea what you're talking about.

You got any evidence?

Yeah, actually, we do.

Oh.

That's why I need all of you to come downtown.

(Chuckles)

You too.

So we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way.

Your choice.

Yo, what are you talking about, evidence, Officer?

(Chuckling)

Against me?

I got to town, like, an hour ago.

Okay, you need to calm down!

Calm down?

The f*ck, LAPD McLoving-looking mothafucka!

I'm calm.

I'm as calm as f*ck.

Okay, down on the ground, down on the ground!

(Indistinct sputtering)

On the ground.

On the...

I know the drill, all right?

Hey...

Jesus Murphy!

He was being calm!

He wasn't doing anything!

Hey!

What the hell is wrong with you mothafuckas?

Officer: Mother-what?

Mothafuckas!

You called us mother-what?

Yeah!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, everybody, hands behind your backs.

Oh, this is bullshit!

Okay, just...

Ricky!

Ricky!

Just...

Cuff 'em!

Cuff him!

Okay, everybody.

Just calm down.

Ricky: f*ck!

Oh, this is a beautiful day, Julian.

Julian: Guys, they got nothing on us, don't f*cking worry about this.

Bubbles: (Whimpering)

You can stop twisting my wrist...

Ricky: This is absolutely f*cking ridiculous!

You guys are...

(Whispering)

I told you the liquor would tell us what to do!

We did it, bud!

(Kissing)

Okay, what do we do next?

The liquor's brilliant, sir.

It sure is, Randilly-bar.

That's what I've been f*cking trying to tell you!

(Engine starting)

On to Plan B, bud.

Won't that be Phase Two, though, Mr. Lahey?

I mean, busting them for the weed is the next step but it's all still part of the same plan, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely right, Randy.

It's Phase Two.

Wait.

What if someone sees us, though, Mr. Lahey?

If anyone knows we're alive, it all falls apart!

You're right, you're right.

We need to liquor-think this through, Ran.

What was that?

It wants to talk to you, Ran.

Disguises.

Ta-da!

Now it's on to Plan B.

God, Ricky, what was in that f*cking stuff?

Every time I think I'm getting my faculties back, I get hit with another wave of this sh*t!

(Chuckling)

I know, it's really floaty.

Isn't it f*cking awesome?

It's not awesome!

It's freaking me the f*ck out!

Come on, Bubbles, get it together.

Get it together...

I smell a huge f*cking lawsuit for this pile of hamster f*cking sh*t!

You got f*ck all on us!

Yeah and they got f*ck all on me.

This is f*cking ridiculous!

Hillbilly backward b*tches.

f*ck...

(Chuckling)

Oh f*ck, look who it is!

It's Harvey Hightell from the f*cking Bad Sheriff movie!

You can't f*cking keep us here with no evidence, George, you f*cking prick!

Yeah, mothafucka.

I want the f*ck out of here, cuz, or we gonna have a serious problem, you dig?

Or I'm going to let Snoop's lawyer on your mothafuckin' ass.

You dig?

Hm!

None of you guys are going anywhere.

You really f*cked up this time.

You want evidence?

We found this inside a liquor bottle floating in Lahey's trailer.

According to what's written here, Jim and Randy found out about a drug deal you were doing.

So you all shrink-wrapped them in their trailer and pushed them into the water to die a slow, terrifying death by drowning.

And what the f*ck does that got to do with me, cuz?

Please tell me!

Oh, letter says that Snoop was sending Sammy Og to do the deal.

I'm guessing that would be you.

That's Sammy OG, Original Gangsta.

Get it right!

George: Ah, whatever.

I knew you guys were stupid.

But m*rder?

(Snort)

Oh, Julian...

Are you going to grant us permission to search your trailer or do I have to go through all the bullshit of getting a warrant?

What the f*ck do you think, George?

(Chuckling)

Dumb question.

Dumb question?

This is a dumb situation!

What the f*ck!

And why the f*ck would you tell him about me, man?

Man, we didn't say sh*t!

We're not that f*cked.

Then who did?

Just a second, Ricky.

Why are your f*cking eyes darting back and forth a million miles an hour?

They're not!

Well, I was trying to see, like, everything around me all at once.

Oh, like a f*cking chameleon?

What?

Look at them.

Look at them, Julian.

What the f*ck, Ricky?

No, you didn't, man.

f*ck!

That f*cking day I went golfing with him, I thought he was my dad.

I may or may have told him Snoop was sending Sammy to do the deal and we were going to make a lot of money.

f*ck!

What the...

I should k*ll you right now!

Why the f*ck would you tell him that?

Are you f*cking dumb?

Hmm?

Are you a f*cking dope?

I'm not dumb.

I didn't tell him you were going to f*cking help us to k*ll someone.

Oh!

f*ck...

Boys...

We might never get out of here.

(Bells jingling)

Congratulations, Raggedy Ran.

You finally made it on to the force, bud.

Hey!

You look wonderful in that f*cking costume!

I don't know, Mr. Lahey.

I thought the point of all this was not to get recognized.

Oh, well, it is.

But when you think about it, we are basically cops.

Right, Randers?

Well, yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, and...

sometimes the best place to hide is right out in the open.

Right.

You know what they say, Randers.

Sometimes what you see is not always what you get.

Frig, Mr. Lahey.

I don't know.

Randy, the liquor is telling us what to do.

We got to f*cking listen to it!

What?

Time to take it up a notch, Ayn Randers.

Why the f*ck does this always happen?

All I wanted to do was run a simple f*cking pizza sauce company.

You got me involved in a f*cking massive drug deal at sea and now I'm in jail on suspicion of m*rder.

Oh my God!

(Whimpering)

Sammy OG: Calm down.

Hell, cuz.

(Plopping)

I've charged with way bigger stuff many times and I ain't even tripping, cuz.

(Sniffing)

Ooh, you stink!

Look, things are going to work themselves out.

g*dd*mn...

Steinberg: Hello, boys.

Thank f*ck.

Now I've got some good news and some bad news.

They've officially charged you but...

they've agreed to let you out on bail.

Yes!

Ba ba ba ba ba ba!

Not just yet.

It's not going to be cheap.

It's attempted m*rder and some other sh*t.

You better hope to God they don't find those bodies.

How much are we talking?

It's going to be 10 grand.

10 grand!

Oh, my f*ck!

We're doomed!

Hey, don't worry.

I got this.

10 Gs...

Ba ba ba ba ba ba!

That's each.

40 f*cking grand?

Yeah.

I'm gonna sh*t myself!

I'm gonna sh*t myself!

That's just to make bail.

Now look, I've...

I'm waiving every possible fee on my end, you know.

But the law is the law.

I know 40 K is a lot.

We got it, okay?

We'll get it on the other end.

Don't worry, you'll get it back anyhow.

Snoop'll be cool.

You got it?

Got it, man.

Yeah, well, I figured there was, uh, probably some kind of deal at play here.

And I'm assuming that there's something somewhere you don't want anyone to find?

Various: Yeah.

In my trailer and the back of his truck.

You've got to get a hold of Cory and Jacob and tell them to get all of the f*cking garbage bags and lobster boxes out of there immediately.

Okay?

Okay.

I can do that.

Now they're filing for a search warrant but, you know, I might be able to delay it for a couple hours, you know, for a small fee...

Do it.

Okay?

Just do it.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba!

Oh...

okay.

Great!

Wow, check this out, boys.

Holy f*ck!

What the f...?

Why does it look like that?

Jesus Murphy...

Ricky!

(Flushing)

That's my life right there.

Down the drain!

Hey.

Just relax, Randy.

See?

No one's the wiser, bud.

Wow...

It feels good, doesn't it?

It feels great, Mr. Lahey.

We're really doing it.

Yeah, we really...

We should have did it years ago, Randy!

Look, as soon as we get the money, I'm going to call Ted, tell him about the dope.

They'll have enough evidence to lock up those shitiots for f*cking shiternity, Randy!

I wonder how much first class tickets are.

Some of the planes even have beds on them.

Yeah, that's the mile high club, Ran.

Mile high club!

The mile high club.

Mile high club.

The mile...

g*dd*mn sh*t soldiers, Randy!

They must be moving it to a new sh*t nest for the queen of sh*t himself!

Yeah, okay, I'll be in touch with you guys about the extra charges.

Ricky: Steinberg, think you can you give us a lift back to the park?

Oh, Jesus.

I wish I could but, with the extra weight, well, I think I'd need some gas money.

Gas money?

g*dd*mn, you one greasy mothafucka, ain't you?

Yeah, you know, that'll probably be the end of my shocks too, realistically.

So, uh...

We're not paying for your f*cking shocks!

Everybody get in.

I call shotgun.

f*ck it.

I call shotgun.

What are you talking about?

I just called it.

I'm not going in the mothafuckin' back!

Are you crazy, cuz?

Julian: I'm not getting in the back f*cking seat, okay?

I paid for the f*cking gas money.

Sammy: You know, f*ck it, all right?

f*ck it, just f*ck it.

I'll give you 50 bucks to go in the back seat.

Have you got change?

No.

I'll get in the back.

Hurry up, man.

Get in.

Bubbles: Ricky, don't pile...

You f*cking live in this thing?

Bubbles: Ricky, I've already got f*cking oil on me.

Come on in, guys.

Ricky: This is f*cked!

We can't fit...

Skooch over, man.

Lots of room, plenty of room.

Julian: Skooch over!

f*ck!

Someone take this.

Jesus Murphy.

Julian: Oh, for f*ck...

I can't, I'm not in, boys.

Ricky: Ah, f*ck me!

Come on, cuz.

Move the f*ck over!

Ricky: Holy f*ck, boys!

There's a f*cking pair of pliers going in my ribs!

Okay, now watch the leather, watch the leather.

Various: Watch my foot!

Oh, sh*t!

The leather, mothafucka?

This ain't mothafuckin' leather.

It's real leather.

Why the f*ck you got rubbers, cuz?

Yeah, I might need that for the subway.

Okay, listen, everybody got their seatbelts on?

Ricky: Just f*cking drive!

(Engine choking)

Dammit, you guys had the doors open so long you drained the battery.

How the f*ck have you got cockroaches in this bitch?

Julian: f*ck this!

Everybody out!

Everybody out!

Yeah, abort!

Abort!

(Groaning)

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Murphy...

Steinberg, let's go with my money.

Oh, fine....

Lobster shells in there!

Have you got my mothafuckin' money?

Well, this is weird.

I don't even know how this is possible.

I think I lost it.

How crazy is that?

g*dd*mn, mothafucka!

You f*cking ruthless, you know that?

Next time Snoop's in trouble, I'm giving your ass a call.

Hell yeah.

Call me any time.

Yo, T.

We need you to pick us up.

Jail.

There's no way that a snake could b*at you in a fist fight because it doesn't have fists.

So I don't understand why anyone loses to a snake.

(Siren wailing)

But if if curls up in a ball, couldn't it, like, really give you a good sh*t that way?

Yeah, sure, but it has to have an arm to be on in order to swing it.

(Siren continues)

Dude, dude.

What?

Cops behind us, man.

Oh, sh*t!

Well, we just...

Just let them go by.

Just go...

(Siren wailing)

Oh, f*ck, what do we do, man?

I don't know, dude.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Oh, f*ck!

Oh man.

They're trying to pull us over, dude.

Oh sh*t.

Lahey: Get the f*ck over there, you f*cking assh*le!

Okay, okay, okay...

Cory: Don't say anything, dude.

I'll do the talking.

I'll do the talking.

(Siren stops)

Cory: All right.

Uh, uh...

sh*t.

f*ck's sakes.

(Laughing)

Jack-pot!

Hey, d'you get it?

I sure do, Mr.

Lahey.

Because it's pot.

f*cking jack-pot!

Good one.

We're in liquor synchronicity.

(Laughing)

Hey!

You're not dead!

Awesome!

We thought you guys were the real cops.

Why are you guys dressed like that?

Where did you get the car?

Enough of the f*cking small talk, boys!

Where's the f*cking money, you stupid little sh*t pissants?

What f*cking money?

Don't...

touch me.

What f*cking money?

The money that Snoop Dogg paid for all this f*cking dope!

What do you think I am?

Stupid, Cory?

Well, obviously you are stupid because it's not even dope that anyone is buying if they were buying anything at all.

Uh, they're not buying anything.

Okay.

You want to f*cking play tough, Mr. f*cking tough guys?

Get your f*cking cocksuckers in my car!

Get the f*ck in the car right now!

You're under arrest for burglary!

Get in!

Cory: Stop throwing the g*n around, dude.

Hop in, Ranbers!

Cory: What are you doing?

(Engine starts)

Jacob: You guys are cra...

What are you doing?

You know, you can't leave that sh*t there.

(Remote phone ringing)

Julian: Come on, boys.

Answer the f*cking phone!

Cory: (On phone)

Yo, what's up, dude?

Holy f*ck!

Where the f*ck are you guys?

Cory: I'm just f*cking with you.

You've reached Cory and Jacob's phone.

We can't come to the phone right now, so leave us a message!

Rawr!

Nice message, assholes.

Where the f*ck are you guys at?

I need to talk to you.

Call me.

It's urgent!

f*ck, they're dumb.

Maybe they're not.

They sure made you look stupid.

That was pretty brilliance, I must say.

Julian, just call my phone.

I'm pretty sure it's in my truck.

Maybe, if they hear that ringing, they'll answer it.

Don't get tricked again, though, Julian.

Bubbles might have a trick message just like Cory and Jacob.

Ricky, I'm sitting right here.

Even if I did, like, how would that be a trick?

It might be, though.

Think about that one.

Bubbles: (On phone)

Hi, you've reached Bubbles' Scrumpdilly Organico Sauce Company, pizza division.

Please leave a message...

f*ck!

Maybe the cops got them too.

Did you ever think of that?

Like, they could be getting questioned as we speak.

Man, they might be dumb but they're not f*cking dicks.

They'd never rat us out.

Don't worry about it.

Not on purpose maybe.

(Electricity sizzling)

Lahey: Time to start talking, boys, or I'll send g*dd*mn 110 sh*t amps through your shitty little bodies!

What's Snoop and his guys buying if it isn't the weed?

I don't know, I don't know!

(Whimpering)

(Sizzling)

How did that feel, Cory?

Keep lying, I dare you!

I'll do anything, whatever you want.

Don't ask for that.

No, dude, don't tell him about the De-energy!

Ricky will f*cking be pissed!

De-energy?

f*ck.

It's okay, dude.

They don't know what it is and there's no way they can ever find out about where the deal's happening on the ocean tomorrow because we don't even know.

So...

Five Hour De-energy!

Ricky makes it out of weed.

Of course, Mr. Lahey!

Is that what it is?

Is that what Snoop's boys are buying on the ocean tomorrow?

You better tell me where Ricky keeps his stash, you sh*t-glazed sh*t!

(Screaming)

(Buzzing)

Does it hurt, Cory?

f*ck yeah!

(Indistinct)

(Buzzing)

(Screaming)

Ah...

it hurts!

Enough!

Stop shocking him.

You can shock me instead.

Ah!

No, I changed my mind!

Don't shock me instead, please...

Cory, we can keep doing this all day or you can just tell me where Ricky keeps the goods.

(Buzzing)

(Screaming)

Hey, stop it!

It's on Bubbles' truck!

Leave him alone, f*ck!

It's on Bubbles' truck?

(Whimpering)

Oh.

Well, that's a shocking development.

Have a nice day, boys.

Give me that...

(Muffled music)

I need a blunt!

m*therf*ckers, your prisons are like preschool.

Know what I mean?

Good luck, T!

Oh, my f*cking gosh.

They seized our sh*t.

What the f*cking...

Jules!

You better fix this sh*t right f*cking now!

I'm working on it.

(Remote phone ringing)

They must not have found the weed or you'd be back in f*cking jail.

Bubbles: Yeah, but the fact that the truck's gone, Cory and Jacob must have came through.

Try calling my phone again.

What do you think I'm f*cking doing?

No.

It went to voice mail.

But it was ringing?

Yes, it was ringing.

Okay, well that means the f*cking thing's on, then.

That's a good sign.

Pull up the Find My Phone app.

Do you have that?

The what?

Find My Phone app, yeah, I got that sh*t right here, cuz.

I lose this bitch all the time.

All right.

It's gonna cost you, all right?

Yeah.

Okay, just wait.

You just call someone up and they find your phone?

No, Ricky, look.

I punch in my number and it should tell us where it is.

Okay, look.

Here it is.

They're out on Doodle-puller Road.

Why the f*ck would they be way out there?

Oh, f*ck!

I bet they pulled over so Jacob could sh*t and the f*cking bears or cougars got them.

Bears and cougars...

what?

They're f*cking probably dead again!

Ricky, what are you talking about?

Cory: Dudes!

Ricky: Poor f*ckers.

Julian: What the f*ck happened to you guys?

Randy and Lahey are alive!

They held us c*ptive!

They shocked us with a wire.

They're f*cking crazy.

So what did you tell them?

They tortured us!

Look at my nips!

Not much, dude.

We just told them that the deal was going down tomorrow and you're actually only selling De-energizer, not weed.

Oh, what?

So they've got the truck with all the sh*t on it?

No.

Thank f*ck.

Well, dude, they know where it is, though.

And I'm pretty sure they're on their way there now.

Oh my f*ck, you guys are dumb!

f*ck!

You're one dumb piece of sh*t, you know that?

Ugh!

Julian: All right, let's go!

Come on!

Ricky: f*ck's sakes!

(Indistinct)

...very nice.

Ricky: f*cking unlock me!

f*ck!

(Car doors slamming)

(Engine starting)

(Engine revving)

Hey!

What about us?

Okay, boys.

It's just up here about a f*cking mile.

Right on.

It looks like.

I can see it.

Just wait a second, it looks like it's f*cking moving.

What?

It is moving!

It's coming right towards us.

Jesus Christ, Lahey b*at us to it!

Oh, f*ck!

No he didn't!

The f*cking cops got it!

He must have f*cking called them.

We're f*cked, boys!

No, I'm f*cked!

That's my truck!

Hey!

Hey, hey!

What?

What?

Turn the car around right now, cuz!

What?

What do you mean, turn it around?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

I ain't leaving here without my sh*t!

I ain't a mothafuckin' mathematician but there's two of them and one, two, three, four of us, m*therf*ckers!

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Seriously?

Yeah, man.

What the f*ck?

This is about to be a hommo case up in this bitch if you don't turn this mothafuckin' car around!

Okay, Julian, turn the f*cking car around!

Sammy, you best get that f*cking g*n out of my neck, m*therf*cker!

Or what?

Bubbles: Julian, set your drink down and use your muscles!

Julian: Let me f*cking do it, man!

Sammy: What the f*ck?

You're giving me mothafuckin' whiplash!

Julian: Settle the f*ck down.

Bubbles: Ricky, why don't you hold his drink so the man can use both his...

Julian: Just get your hands off my f*cking drink!

All right, cuz, ...faster.

There you go.

Passing up...

Sammy: All right, cut him off.

Bubbles: Julian, don't do this.

Sammy: Cut him off!

I'm cutting him off!

I'm cutting him off!

Fast and the Furious!

Come on!

Bubbles: For f*ck's sakes, Julian!

Ricky: This is f*cked!

Oh, my f*ck.

Now what?

All right, listen, it's like you've seen in the movies, cuz.

We goin' to get out of this car and we goin' to unload on them mothafuckas.

You feel me?

What?

Unload?

We can't f*cking unload on them!

They're cops, boys!

Please, come on, Julian, this is getting too crazy!

Lahey: (On megaphone)

Exit the vehicle please, with your hands in the air!

Was that f*cking Lahey?

Who the f*ck is Lahey, mothafucka?

He's a drunk, crazy, f*cking deranged lunatic, who used to be a cop.

It f*cking sounded like him.

Lahey: Come on, Shitulian!

Against the car!

Come on, spread that beautiful frame.

This mothafucka know you?

Jesus Christ.

It's definitely him.

"Spread your beautiful frame"?

What the f*ck?

I want you all to put your hands up.

Randy: You guys almost k*lled us!

The jig is up.

You're going to pay up, boys.

Hey!

You better put that g*n away, mothafucka!

Right now.

One, two, three.

There you go.

Do you want me to pop a cap in your mothafuckin' ass, boy?

What?

You want some lead in your head?

Huh?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah!

What?

Okay!

Okay?

I don't f*cking care!

Put a f*cking cack in my head!

Cack?

Go on, do it!

f*cking put me out of my misery, bud!

Oh, Mr. Lahey!

Do it!

Don't!

I love you, Mr. Lahey.

Why?

Look, frig all this stuff!

Let's just...

We don't have to fly to Ireland and get married.

Let's just walk away.

Lahey: I'm sorry, Randy.

Ireland?

You're right, bud.

I'm out of control.

Excuse me.

I got so f*cked over losing Mo and I spent half my f*cking life trying to love this dumb f*cking sh*t-covered sh*t-log and he's not even my f*cking son!

Thank f*ck!

I don't want to take it any more.

Go ahead.

Anyway...

none of this matters any more, boys.

You know why?

Because we're f*cked!

Take a look at that.

Various: Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

Lahey: Yeah, that's a little bit...

(Siren honking)

...of a sweet sh*t-tasting irony, isn't it?

f*ck!

I'm not going to mothafuckin' jail, cuz!

f*ck this!

Put the g*n away!

Put the f*cking g*n away!

Put the f*cking g*n away!

We're not f*cking getting in a gunfight with the cops!

Okay, listen!

Listen.

Lahey?

Yeah?

We've all be through a lot here, okay?

Right.

If I can somehow get us all out of this sh*t, you have to promise to leave us the f*ck alone.

Don't tell the cops about the deal.

We'll get it done and everything at the trailer park will go back to f*cking normal.

You have our word.

Right, boys?

Various: Yes, yeah.

How does that sound, Mr. Lahey?

I just want to be together.

I'd rather not be in jail.

All right...

okay.

Beautiful.

Thank f*ck, it's Ted Johnson, the second dumbest cop on the force.

Well, look who's alive after all!

Nice outfits.

New car, Jim?

Nice beard.

Both of them.

So this is where you've been, eh?

Busy buying costumes and stealing police cars.

That's a really nice suit you got there, bud.

f*cking...

it must be really expensive.

I'm impressed.

Well, Ted, thank f*ck you're here, man.

Crazy f*cking morning, man!

We were on our way down to the wharf and a guy flagged us down who was driving this police car here and he said he was an undercover cop.

Ted: Okay?

Well, of course we pulled over.

We like helping the police whenever we can.

Anyway, he said he ran out of gas and he had two of Satan's Bastards in the car.

It was really fishy.

Like, he was really super f*cking nervous.

So I looked in the car and quickly realized it was f*cking Lahey and Randy in the back seat.

They were tied up.

Right.

I was, like, "Bud, you are full of sh*t.

You're not an undercover cop." I f*cking freaked out and then I think he knew what was going on, so he panicked and f*cking ran through the tall grass here and jumped in the water.

The last I saw of him he was half-way across the land there, swimming.

It was f*cking crazy, man.

Like, you're going to have to go after the f*cking guy.

Wow, that is pretty crazy.

Yeah!

It's quite a story.

Yeah.

Now, Jim.

Hm?

Do you want to tell me what's really going on here?

Yeah, well, Ricky told you the absolute truth.

If it wasn't for these guys, Randy and I, we'd be f*cking dead by now, Ted.

Right.

Right...

And you f*cking police dummies made them go through hell.

Hm!

Instead of being out looking for them, you accuse us of f*cking murdering them.

You better drop those charges and give us back our f*cking money!

Just shut up, Ricky.

I will for a second.

That's it.

Shut up!

f*ck off!

And Jim...

Hm?

What about that letter that you wrote?

The one we found in your camper.

You know?

Yeah, you were telling us about that.

It was the kidnappers, was it?

Oh!

The f*cking kidnapper!

He forced me to do it at gunpoint, Ted!

f*cking heavy duty sh*t.

You guys are all so full of sh*t!

I have to sh*t...

But you know what?

No.

I don't even care any more.

Now I've got a police matter that I have to deal with.

It's a real one.

So, Randy, in order to make sure that the paperwork on this is filed properly, I'll have to see you later.

Actually, we both will.

For frig's sakes.

Ricky: For what?

Ted: You take my car.

I'll grab the cruiser that these idiots stole.

And the next time...

(Engine starts)

any of you people even get as much as a parking ticket, I'm going to throw your ass in jail so fast it'll make your heads spin!

You got that?

Absolutely.

Yep.

I don't live here but sure, cuz.

Good.

f*ck, my eyes are really dry.

I don't know what the f*ck's going on there.

Keys are in the ignition, Ted!

Mothafucka!

You was one slick Rick mothafucka!

I f*ck with your sh*t!

Real good!

You should be on my mothafuckin' payroll, cuz.

I got you!

Thank God cops are dumb.

That was a way f*cking better plan than you had.

"Let's blast everybody!" That's all I know.

Randy: Thanks for keeping us out of jail, Ricky.

Okay, boys!

What's next on the agenda?

This is what's next.

Julian, what are you doing?

Julian!

I thought we had a deal!

There is no deal.

Get the f*ck in my trunk.

(g*n click)

Ricky: (Chuckling)

(Theme music)