11x10 - The All You Can Eat sh*t Buffet

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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11x10 - The All You Can Eat sh*t Buffet

Post by bunniefuu »

Boys, I'm sorry I can't come on this one with you but my nerves are just too sh*t and somebody in this area scares the f*ck out of me.

Don't worry about it, Bubs.

You stay here and relax, all right?

We can take care of this, no problem.

Just make sure those idiots don't get out of there until the f*cking deal's done, okay?

Lahey: (From trunk)

Julian, please!

I'll do anything.

I'm f*cking...

(Indistinct)

Randy: Please, Julian.

I've got really bad gas!

Just keep drinking until you pass out, you f*cking drunk.

(Farting)

I'll give you something to f*cking chew on right now, cuz.

Over the rainbow, m*therf*ckers.

Let's go.

All right, let's do it.

Ricky: See you soon, Bubs.

Okay, I'm going to be over in my shed.

I'll come and check on you guys though, and I'll make sure you have water later.

Lahey: Wait!

Bubs!

Don't walk away, Bubbles, come on, bud!

I'll make you a deal.

Nope, sorry.

No f*cking deals.

No way.

Randy: Please, Bubbles, we could die in here.

It's inhumane.

It's hot.

For f*ck's sakes, all right.

Just...

hang on.

Look, I'll send you some...

delicious roast chicken chips down the f*cking pipe here.

Barb: Bubbles?

These go great with liquor.

(Crunching)

Bubbles?

Ahh!

Bubbles, I got back as quick as I could.

Did you...

Have you heard anything about Jim?

Uhh, no I haven't.

I've been really...

busy just putting chips in my gas t*nk here.

Lahey: Barb!

Is that you, Barb?

Jim!

Jim!

What is he doing in there, Bubbles?

You let him out right now!

Look, Barb, I can't do that.

He's hard on the liquor.

Lahey: No, he's lying, Barb.

I haven't even had a drink.

Julian kidnapped us.

Us?

Wh...

who do you mean, us?

Randy: Hi, Barb.

Oh, my God.

Randy!

Bubbles, you open that trunk right now or you will be evicted from this park!

I can't do that, Barb, even if I wanted to.

I don't have the keys.

Oh, rea...

I don't have the keys.

Oh, really?

What, you mean these keys?

I'm coming, Jim.

Look, Barb.

You can't open that.

Look, there's more at play here than you know.

Oh, Jim.

(Grunting)

What the hell is going on?

Jesus Murphy.

Randy and I are both on the force now, Barb.

What?

Oh my God, you are drunk.

(Slurring)

No, I'm not.

What the hell has happened here?

You promised me that you were going to be supervising the park.

Well, the liquor's supervising the park, Barb.

The liquor's supervising the park, and it's supervising me, and it's supervising Randy, and it's supervising this too.

No!

Jim!

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim, let him go right now.

I can't do that, Barb.

Bubbles, are you hungry, bud?

(Straining)

Uhh, a little bit.

Why?

'Cause we're going to an all-you-can-eat sh*t buffet.

(Theme music)

Well, things are all set up.

We've got Snoop's guys, they're on their way with the boat and I'm feeling pretty f*cking good about everything.

Now all we've got to do is just stick to the plan.

(Phone ringing)

What's going on?

Ricky: I f*cked up, man.

I've got to stop for gas.

No, no, no, no.

You're not...

Ricky.

Rick...

For f*ck's sakes.

(Bubbles whimpering)

Bubbles: Please, Mr.

Lahey, please let me out of here.

I don't like the dark!

(Whimper)

Oh, it's not very nice in there, is it, Bubbles?

Make sure the sh*t spiders don't get you, bud.

Bubbles: (Screaming)

What?

sh*t spiders?

Good day, gentlemen.

I'd like to have every g*dd*mn ounce of liquor and every f*cking g*n you've got in the g*dd*mn joint.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You better back the f*ck off or you'll get knocked the f*ck out.

That's right, bitch.

Who the f*ck do you think you are anyways?

Good idea.

(g*nsh*t)

(Mixed shouting)

Are you f*cking crazy?

What the f*ck?

I don't know.

Am I?

Man: (Moaning in pain)

Are you calling the liquor crazy?

Huh?

You're f*cked up.

You've got beautiful eyes.

f*ck off, Lahey.

Okay, boys...

g*ns now!

Give me the f*cking g*ns now!

(Indistinct chatter)

Sammy O.G: Jeez, cuz.

Yo, this sh*t right here, cuz?

This sh*t is sweet and salty.

That sh*t's pretty nice, eh?

Yeah...

It's the sh*t.

Julian: What the f*ck are you doing, man?

I told you not to stop!

I needed f*cking gas, Julian.

It's not my fault.

Sammy wanted to try some pepperoni.

This sh*t is tight, cuz.

Oi!

Would you mind putting that cigarette out before you blow us all up, you f*cking dummy!

It's not a f*cking cigarette, it's a joint, dummy.

And you can't f*cking blow yourself up at the gas pumps with a cigarette.

I saw it on Myth-dusters.

So tongue my tasty balls.

It is gas vapour and...

an ignition source.

You're damn right you could blow us up.

Oh, my f*ck, yeah.

Look at me.

I'm going to blow up the world.

A little bit gas and a f*cking weed joint.

Ricky, what are you doing?

Ricky, get up.

Get up, get up, Ricky!

Man: Sir!

Extinguish the cigarette and step away from the pumps!

Holy f*ck, man.

Everybody calm the f*ck down.

Nothing can happen here.

Put it out now or I'm calling the cops.

All right.

I'll put it out.

Just let me have a couple more drags.

Call the g*dd*mn cops on him anyway!

Julian: Hey, hey, listen.

Here, want this?

f*cking take it!

Julian: Ricky, that's enough!

Listen, my friend here is on medication, okay?

He doesn't know what he's saying.

You apologize to these nice people.

All right.

I'm sorry that you two are so f*cked!

That's enough!

All right, okay, don't got to call the cops.

We're leaving now, anyway.

All right?

(Phone ringing)

Thanks, man.

What the f*ck is wrong with this world?

Get in the f*cking car.

f*cking idiots.

(Phone ringing)

Yo, what up, T?

...so f*cking a-scared of everything.

Yo, Julian, man.

Mr.

Lahey just busted in the trailer, man and sh*t Mr.

Green in the leg.

He f*cking took off with a bunch of g*ns and liquor, man.

Julian: (On phone)

What?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Where's Bubbles?

I don't know, man.

It sounded like he was in the trunk.

Oh, my f*ck.

All right, all right.

We've got to go.

We've got to go!

Get in your f*cking car and let's go!

What's happening?

We've got to go!

Oh f*ck, don't blow yourself up there, dickhead.

(Engine ignition)

f*ck's sakes.

Cory: (Speaking indistinctly)

f*ck.

Sammy O.G.: Hold on!

Ah, f*ck.

Ah, f*ck!

Julian: Bubs, I'm on my way.

Sammy O.G.: Ah..

(Siren wailing, engine revving)

Okay, Cory, Jacob, I'm going to f*cking pull over.

When I do, you guys jump out, f*cking tell the cop to f*ck off, tell him to suck your cock.

Do whatever you have to do, just make them f*cking chase you so you get them away from us, all right?

What?

No talking, boys.

This is your f*ck-up.

You're going to have to make it look good.

And make them f*cking go after you.

Ready?

Yeah...

f*ck...

Right...

Bail, bail, bail!

Good luck, boys.

Good luck.

Cory & Jacob: Hey, you!

f*ck you...

pig!

Suck my di-i-ick.

Jacob: Okay, go, go, go.

Run.

Where the f*ck are you guys going?

What are they doing?

This is some bullshit, cuz.

It didn't work!

f*ck!

(Siren wailing)

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Jesus Christ, Ricky.

(Turn signal clicking)

(Siren stops)

Hey.

Hey, officer.

Can I help you?

Mind telling me who you were talking to on the phone that was so important you needed to break the law?

Uhh, I wasn't talking on the phone, man.

Mind stepping out the vehicle, sir?

Hey, what's in that glass, right there?

f*ck!

It's just root beer, man.

What's in these boxes?

Uh, it's just lobster.

I'm just heading to the grocery store.

Grocery store's back that way.

Do you mind if I take a look inside these boxes, sir?

Well, they're...

Hey, are those dumb fucks coming back or what?

f*ck.

f*ck!

f*ck 'em!

m*therf*cker, go!

sh*t.

They're all...

I'm the delivery guy, man.

They're all shrink-wrapped up.

I don't know.

You can smell them.

You can smell them, man.

Just open one box for me.

Come on.

Just open one box?

Just one box.

Uhh...

Which...

This one here or this one here?

It doesn't matter.

Just open a box.

Officer!

What the f*ck are you doing?

There's a huge f*cking accident over there on Cole Harbour Road...

What are you guys talking about?

It's f*cking bad, people are m*nled...

What?

...there's these two f*cking weird dudes waving g*ns around, threatening people.

Bang, bang!

Are you serious?

Jesus Christ, nothing came in over the radio.

Yeah!

You're going to wait for this to come in over the radio, man?

People are f*cking dying!

Get the f*ck over there now!

Bodies everywhere!

All right, all right, all right, God damn it.

Wait right here.

Unit 27.

I need back-up.

...small engine repair.

We've got a...

10-54 on Cole Harbour Road, possible 10-32.

Dumb f*ck.

A possible 10-32.

(Engine ignition)

(Siren wails)

That was a real cheers, m*therf*cker.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

I don't know how you do it, man, but thanks, buddy.

Cops are f*cking dumb.

We're down two guys because of f*cking two other dummies.

Let's go, let's go.

f*ck's sakes.

(Whimper)

Where are the f*cking boys?

I don't know.

And where's this f*cking thing going down, Bubbles?

I don't know!

I don't know anything!

Really?

(g*nsh*t)

(Whimpering)

I'm not f*cking around, Bubbles!

I know, I know you're not.

I see that.

But...

I'm not afraid of you, Mr. Lahey.

I know there's a good person in there behind this liquor veil.

I know that you would never sh**t me.

Oh?

Bubbles, I just watched Mr. Lahey sh**t Mr. Green not 20 minutes ago.

What?

We're not f*cking around.

What...

Right, Mr. Lahey?

Right, Randy.

Bubbles, I'm just going to ask you one more time to take us to where the boys are, or the cops are going to go and you're going to have a great big f*cking hole in your leg.

(Whispering)

Okay.

Yeah.

(Seagulls cawing)

I got you, kid.

A'ight, listen up, boys.

They're pulling up to the drop point now, cuz.

Let's do this sh*t.

Right on, man.

This calls for a celebratory f*cking joint.

Ha-ha!

My n*gg*r.

(Phone rings)

No, no, no, boys.

We've got to go.

f*ck that.

Bubbles: (on phone)

Julian!

What's up, Bubs?

Lahey and Randy got out.

They've got me trapped in the f*cking trunk now.

How the f*ck did they get out?

Barb Lahey f*cked everything up.

I'm sorry, Julian.

I'm scared, I've never seen Lahey this crazy before.

All right...

hang tight.

We're coming for you.

Ricky: Yeah, Bubs.

I don't know if you have to, Julian.

I'm pretty sure we're on our way to you.

You told them where we are?

Well, he had a f*cking g*n pressed to my leg.

Yeah, sorry about that!

Look, just go get the deal done.

I'm going to try to MacGyver my way out of here.

Julian: All right.

Lahey's coming for us.

We've got to go, boys.

All right, can you untie that, Sammy?

m*therf*cker, I don't even roll my own blunts.

sh*t.

What the f*ck?

You can't untie a rope?

Ricky, untie it.

f*ck's sakes.

Julian: Jesus, man.

It's all f*cking wind-cocked.

Just f*cking untie it.

Do you want me to sh**t it off?

Put the f*cking g*n away, Sammy!

assh*le, f*ck off.

For f*ck's sakes, Ricky.

All right.

Are we good?

We're f*cking ready to move!

What are you waiting for?

Julian: Man, that boat is k*ller.

Yeah.

Two million dollars.

Both: Two million?

Yeah.

Holy f*ck.

(Indistinct)

Holy...

That's the kind of money I want, man.

f*cking right.

(g*nshots)

f*ck!

Who the f*ck is sh**ting at us?

Julian: Get rid of them!

Ah!

f*ck!

Jesus Christ!

(Engine whining)

Julian: f*ck!

...m*therf*ckers sh**ting at us right now.

Be ready to deal with that sh*t.

You know what?

f*ck it!

Spray them fools.

(a*t*matic w*apon fire)

(Laughing)

f*ck off!

Sammy O.G: (Indistinct)

Julian: Yeah!

Sorry, man.

(g*nsh*t)

Holy f*ck, it sucks to get sh*t in the hand.

It really f*cking hurts!

Come on, guys.

I led you to the f*cking spot.

Can't you just let me go, please?

Oh, we can't let you go yet, Bubbaroo.

The festivities are just f*cking getting started, bud.

You know...

I always thought that you had to let the liquor do the thinking.

But you know what?

It's not enough.

You have to let the liquor take ab-so-lute control.

That's the key to success.

Down the hatch, bud.

I can't chug all this, Mr. Lahey.

You can't chug all...

Randy, don't f*cking question me!

I know what the f*cking hell I'm doing!

Chug the f*cking thing!

Mr. Lahey, you're having a liquor surge.

I don't give a f*ck if I'm having a f*cking liquor sur...

Randy, don't f*cking question...

(Angry muttering)

Just drink it, Randy.

Just drink it.

You're f*cking right, Bubbles.

Your f*cking turn, bud.

(Panting)

Yes, sir, you're going to thank me for this.

Oh, Mr. Lahey, I can't drink...

Yes, you f*cking can, Bubbles.

There you are.

Hey, don't think about it, Bubbles.

Don't think about it.

Just do it, bud.

Just do it.

(Gulping)

Go with the liquor, buddy.

Go with the liquor.

(Coughing)

Holy f*ck!

That's everything.

You got it, man.


You got it.

Nice.

That is a done deal, m*therf*ckers.

Good doing business with y'all.

Here is your motherfuckin' money.

Julian: Right on.

Yeah.

Sammy O.G.: Minus the bail money you owe me.

Ricky: Holy f*ck!

(Laughter)

Oh, man.

Hey!

m*therf*cker, you crying right now?

No, man.

It's just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, go ahead, count that sh*t, make sure it's all there.

No, we're good, man.

I trust you guys.

Right on.

All right, man.

(Indistinct)

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Yo, untie them fools.

(Motor roars)

sh*t.

(Laughs)

Awesome, man.

Awesome.

Cheers, man!

Man, this money's f*cking awesome.

It's pretty f*cked-looking, though.

Man, it's real, man.

And we're getting f*cking wasted tonight.

Ricky: f*cking right.

Wait now.

We've got a bogey incoming at us.

Ricky: What?

Is it the f*cking cops?

Lahey: (Tuneless singing)

Bubbles: (Indistinct shouting)

Julian: No, it's Lahey.

(g*nshots)

f*ck!

sh*t, get down!

Ohh, f*ck!

I'm sh*t!

Again!

Bubbles: Boys, I'm f*cking wasted!

They've got Bubbles.

Stay down, Ricky.

Ricky: What the f*ck are you idiots doing?

f*ck off!

Lahey: Stop sh**ting at us!

Bubbles: Don't sh**t, Ricky, don't sh**t!

Julian: Don't sh**t, Ricky.

f*ck, stay down!

Bubbles: (Whimpering, yelling)

Bubbles: He's got me, he's got me, boys.

Julian: What the f*ck do you want, Lahey?

Lahey: Okay boys, throw your g*ns in the water!

You put your f*cking g*ns down, right now.

The liquor has control of the situation.

Okay, don't f*cking hurt Bubbles.

I won't hurt Bubbles but I'm going to f*cking sh**t you, Julian.

I just sh*t Mr.

Green so I'm not going to have any f*cking problem sh**ting you, bud.

He did too, and he blasted him.

(Whimpering)

For f*ck's sakes!

Lahey: Throw your f*cking g*ns over, boys.

(Splashes)

Thank you very much.

Now f*cking throw me over that money that you know you've got in the f*cking bag, Julian.

Not a f*cking chance, you assh*le.

Julian, do you know what a sh*t bubble is?

Julian: What?

A sh*t bubble.

Now, Julian, a normal bubble, when you put it in the water, kind of rises to the top, but a sh*t bubble, Julian...

a sh*t bubble sinks right to the g*dd*mn bottom.

You f*cking leave him alone!

Bubbles: Boys, don't let him put me in the water.

I'm f*cking wasted!

You're drunk?

I'm f*cking sh*t twice over here, Bubbles!

Bubbles: I didn't want to get drunk.

I'm going to count to ten and then I'm going to start carbonating the ocean with sh*t bubbles.

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

Ricky: f*ck off!

We need music!

Hey, Julian!

(Music plays)

Have you got a Speedo on under there or are you more of a thong man?

Would you go f*ck yourself!

Lahey: Oh, doesn't matter anyway, because little Bubbles is going f*cking swimming if you don't send me the f*cking money!

No, Julian.

Don't let him put me in the ocean, Julian!

Lahey: Come on, Julian.

Bubbles: I'll sink!

Six...

Give us the money, Julian!

five...

four...

Frig off, Ricky!

Three...

Wait, wait, wait!

You...

You give him to us and we'll give you the money.

♪ Crazy Bubbles ♪ Julian...

♪ In the brine ♪ I can't go in the brine.

♪ Make me happy ♪ Come on, Julian.

Give him the money, Julian.

It's f*cking Bubbles here.

Why do you have to be such a f*cking assh*le all the time?

Four...

Julian, I can't...

Julian, I'm f*cking serious.

Don't f*ck with me.

Give him the f*cking money!

...all right!

All right!

Lahey: Three...

Hang on, Bubs.

Fu-u-uck!

Give me the money, Julian...

Hey, Randers.

Holy...

Ricky: Let him go!

Let him go!

Lahey: We're f*cking rich, Randy!

We f*cking made it, Randy.

Rick, you f*cking...

Man: (on radio)

We've got reports of g*nshots offshore.

Which one of you sh*t me, huh?

Was it you, Randy?

Was it f*cking you?

I'll sh**t you frigging again.

Frig off!

Oww.

Okay, Bubs.

Julian: Come on, buddy.

We've got you, buddy.

Bubbles: (Whimpering)

Come on, buddy.

Lahey: Randy.

Put your f*cking g*n up, Randy.

You're f*cking dead.

You are f*cking dead.

Man: (on radio)

Chief Green, suspects located.

Moving in.

I finally f*cking b*at you, bud.

You lose, bud.

(Boat approaching)

Man: (On loudspeaker)

Everyone drop your weapons and put your hands in the air!

Now!

Listen, we are not armed!

We were f*cking cruising around.

These idiots pulled up and sh*t us for no f*cking reason!

Man: (On loudspeaker)

All right, gentlemen, put your hands up now.

(Whimpers)

Hands where I can see them.

We got our hands up.

Sir, put the beverage down, and put your hands up.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I'm sh*t, you assh*le!

Man: (on radio)

Scene is secure here, chief.

We're bringing both boats in now.

You might want to have an EMT on stand-by.

We've got a couple of g*nsh*t wounds here.

Over.

Yeah, take your time.

Let them bleed out for a little bit.

Why the f*ck are we in handcuffs, you f*cking dummies?

We were out there fishing, minding our own business.

These drunk pricks show up and sh**t us for no f*cking reason!

That's a pile of sheep sh*t, Ricky.

We were making a sh*t-izen's arrest.

Multiple g*n fights out at sea.

Pretty subtle, guys.

Ah, f*ck off, George.

Ah, f*ck!

This was a big score, chief.

Get all of this down to evidence and we'll get everything sorted out.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of it.

Chief Green.

I'm Detective Hartford, Internal Affairs.

I'll take these from you, sir.

Put your hands behind your back.

Excuse me?

No, we've been watching you for a long time, George.

Money laundering, insurance fraud, theft of evidence.

We've got it all on tape too, thanks to the awesome work of Officer Johnson here.

You're going to jail, George.

A wire, Ted?

Seriously?

You miserable little sh*t.

You're the one who should be investigated, not me.

Oh, I was being investigated, George.

But I sucked my way out.

Have fun in jail.

f*ck you!

You m*therf*cker!

You little bag-sucking whore!

Get the f*ck back here!

Come here, you cocksucker!

I'm going to tear you a new one!

I'm going to sh*t down your f*cking neck!

(Playing "Amazing Grace" on harmonica)

You know...

a lot of non-believers...

they think of people who talk to the liquor are crazy.

But, you know, they don't realize that not only is the liquor a powerful entity, it is an irresistible force.

It is all-knowing.

It is all-loving.

Talking to the liquor is like talking to God.

Mr. Lahey's been really different since he got back on the liquor this time.

It's worrying me.

Even though he hasn't had a drink in weeks, he says that the liquor's still talking to him, it's telling him what to do and how to think.

It's weird!

He's even talking about building a liquor altar, whatever in the frig that is.

We just got g*dd*mn lucky, there's no other f*cking way to say it.

You know, they didn't have any evidence tying us to a crime technically, so they had no choice but to let us go, thank f*ck.

It was a bump in the road for sure but at least now I can get re-focused on my pizza sauce business, keep my head down, work my nuts off and just lead a clean, honest life.

You know, we did make a f*cking lot of money but at the end of the day it was dirty money and I'd rather not have anything to do with it.

And Ricky and Julian completely agree.

(Click of lighter)

(Puffing)

The whole doing things legit and being honest sh*t is pretty f*cking cool, I guess, but...

I just can't stop thinking about how much money we made in 45 days.

We're never going to make that kind of money making g*dd*mn pizza sauce but...

yeah, I mean...

it is pretty f*cking cool to be honest, I guess.

For Bubbles I mean.

(Squirrel chirps)

Seriously?

The little fucker thinks he's so f*cking funny, doesn't he?

(Chirping continues)

Don't move.

Don't make a f*cking sound.

(g*nshots)

All that f*cking money and it was mine.

Well, it was all of ours but I had it right in my f*cking hands.

I'm going to get it back.

I've just got to figure out how I'm going to do that.

It's all I can think about.

It's driving me f*cking nuts.

f*ck's sakes.

Hm.

Well, I should have known better than to listen to Randy and I should know better than to listen to Bubbles, Ricky and Julian.

But, actually, Julian and I have had long negotiations over the last few evenings and we've, uh...

we've come to an agreement.

He has promised that they're going to focus on Bubbles' pizza sauce business and, after all, that's good for the park and...

we may have to have more...

negotiations...

moving forward but...

I'm quite happy with the arrangement.

Hey, I've got no comment about Barb Lahey.

What's important is I'm back with Ricky and Bubbles, you know, and I'd... pretty much do anything for those two f*cking guys.

(Sighs)

f*ck off with the camera, guys.

I'm not going to tell you again.

The only reason I'm in here is because I wasn't blowing anybody.

And now I'm in here, I'm probably going to have to do it just to stay alive.

Is that what you want me to say?

That I'm going to be somebody's bitch?

f*ck you and everyone like you.

f*cking gobs of sh*t.

Normally...

I'd be pretty stressed out in a situation like this, but the liquor said: "This is all going to work out." It told me not to worry, (Whispering)

I'm going to walk out of here and that money, that's all going to be mine.

And Randy and I, we're going to get married in Ireland, just like we planned, and everyone's going to live happily ever after.

That's what the liquor said.

Yeah.

Praise be thy Lord, the liquor.

Benedicium dominum spiritus sancti.

(Theme music)
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