12x02 - Godspeed My Muscular Friend

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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12x02 - Godspeed My Muscular Friend

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ It's a working man ♪ ♪ I am ♪ [humming]

All right.

♪ One, two, three, four, five...

♪ ♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

♪ ♪ Eleven, twelve ♪ [humming enthusiastically]

[humming continues]

[Barb]

Bubbles!

Hey, Barb.

Oh, decent, you got me some empties.

-[clattering]

-I want these out of my park!

All of them!

They're everywhere!

What do you mean, all of them?

I collected these coming down here!

Th-th-they're...

they're in ditches, they're in bushes, they're all over the playground!

They're...

They're up trees, they're under people's cars!

-Okay, okay...

-They're up my ass!

Okay, Barb.

Just relax!

I understand, but...

I mean, that's not really my problem.

I mean, I run a very tight ship here.

-[scoffing]

-I run it very clean...

It's not your...

It's not your problem?

Well, no, it isn't because once I sell the f*cking bottles to somebody, who owns the bottles?

They do!

Not me!

It's not my responsibility.

Well, it is my responsibility to keep this park rodent-free, and it seems to me that the only way to deal with that is to go to the source of the problem and get rid of it!

What?

Oh, Barb!

Come on, this is all I got!

This is my business!

Look, I'll f*cking work with you, we can sort this out.

I mean, I can...

I can start a recycling program, -maybe charge people a deposit.

-Oh, for God's sake!

Bubbles, people aren't gonna...

People aren't gonna pay a deposit.

They can barely pay for the sh*t water you're making!

It's not!

That's delicious, quality product.

For God's sake...

I wanna see a drastic change, Bubbles!

And I wanna see it today!

Okay.

[exhaling]

Oh, hey, Julian.

You're in your f*cking court clothes.

Big surprise.

On your way to f*cking court!

Bubs, I'm not going to court, man.

Well, I've got no more f*cking money.

And I'm not spotting you any more beer, I only bottled enough for my deliveries.

-I owe Donnie a f*cking case...

-Bubs, Bubs, Bubs.

I don't want any free beer.

I don't want free anything, man, okay?

-[sigh]

-I'm going to get a job.

What?

I've been thinking about what you said to me, man, and you're right, you know?

It's time for me to grow the f*ck up.

It's time for all of us to grow up.

So I'm gonna go down to the mall, fill out a bunch of applications and, you know, see what happens.

Okay, what's really going on here, Julian?

Because I know you're not f*cking serious.

[scoffing]

Serious enough that I'm not taking this f*cking thing with me.

Here, hang on to that for me.

Come on, take it.

Oh, my God.

You're going to the mall without your drink?

No, I'm still going to have a drink.

You know, I'm not just...

I'm not gonna take the glass with me.

It'll be a little less obvious, you know?

Oh, my God, Julian...

you're f*cking serious.

f*cking rights, I'm serious.

Come here!

Come here!

[whimpering]

I'm f*cking proud of you, Julian.

-Thanks, man.

-Oh, my God.

I love you.

Back at you, buddy.

All right, wish me luck.

[Bubbles whimpers]

Godspeed, my muscular friend.

[sighing]

[theme music]

Dude, this is awesome.

We're gonna make a k*lling off these bottles.

It's like almost 250 a pop.

Cory, first of all, we're not gonna make anything.

It's a f*cking deposit that we've gotta give back.

And what do you mean, "250 a pop"?

Where are you getting that?

Well, I multiple 2 times 24, dude.

224.

2 times 24 is not 224.

Yeah, check it.

Look: 2 times 24.

224.

That's how you multiply, is it, Cory?

Okay, show me what's 10 times 10, Cory?

Well, 10 times 10...

1-0-1-0, dude.

Oh, my God.

That is not how you multiply, Cory.

I'm sorry.

Well, everyone has their own way of multiple, dude, and it's all the same results.

-We're gonna rock it.

-Just give me this.

I'll deal with the math.

Get me some empties, then I'll start doling out the high fives.

-Okay.

-Okay.

Don't use your brain.

Well...

Okay.

Wassup, Mo?

All right, cool.

Hey, Trin.

Hey, Mo.

[in high-pitched voice]

Who's got your...

belly!

Hee hee hee!

[giggling]

-He's just like a big kitty.

-Gotta put you down.

-Hey, Bubs.

-What's going on?

I think Dad's losing it.

Oh, Trin, your dad lost it a long time ago.

No offence.

What's wrong?

No, he gave me his car house.

Said he's giving up.

He said he's gonna be gone forever after today.

What?

Hey, Ricky, what's going on?

How come you're packing up your suitcase?

Hey, Bubs.

I was just about to come say goodbye.

Well, what's going on?

Are you okay?

Actually, I feel great and it's all thanks to you.

Thinkin' a lot about what you said and...

you're totally right.

I'm better off in jail.

What?

I never said that, Ricky.

Well, not those exact words, but you did say I was a loser, and I am.

Not a single thing in this universe I'm good at except f*cking growing dope and, well, banging.

And now Susan's gone and the dope's gone, so...

Only place I'm not a menace to society or a loser is f*cking jail, so that's where I'm going.

Ricky, you're not a f*cking menace to society now.

Yes, I am.

I almost made my son-of-law a f*cking paralegic.

What?

What happened?

What are you talking about?

Jacob, you wanna come out here for a second, please?

-[Jacob]

What?

Hold on.

-What did you do to him?

I'm a f*cking assh*le, that's what I did to him.

[Jacob moaning]

What do you need?

-Oh, f*ck!

-f*ck...

Jacob, what happened to you?

Ricky made me punch his engagement horse in the ass.

Then it kicked me through the barn door and broke my neck.

Oh, my f*ck!

Your neck's broke?

He was this close to having f*cking no arms, no legs, because of me.

So I'm gonna do something really f*cking stupid and probably go to jail for the rest of my life.

So...

Thanks for helping me see things more clearly.

-Ricky...

-You're really good at that.

Ricky, just hang on now.

I did not f*cking say anything like that, that isn't what I meant.

Let's just...

Why don't we go down to the store?

We'll get some f*cking Moon Mist ice creams like we used to and we'll sit at the picnic table and we'll talk it out, and we'll figure it out.

All right?

Are you buying?

'Cause I don't have a f*cking cent.

I'll buy the ice creams.

Moon Mist.

Okay.

Jacob, do you want us to pick you up anything?

No, thanks, I'm okay, man.

-I just need to lie down.

-Sure?

[groaning]

[Ricky]

Hang in here.

Looking good.

[groaning]

[Ricky]

Oh, sh*t.

If you need to use the bathroom again, f*ck, you've got to hold it till I get back, I guess.

I'm all in favour of spending some quality time together down at the track, but I had an idea last night, Mr.

Lahey.

Will you listen to me?

Oh, sure, Randy.

[indistinct]

I think we should hire an Assistant Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.

-[chuckles]

-To help us with our workload.

No offence, Mr.

Lahey, but you're getting a little too old to handle the bullshit.

[shushing]

[slurring]

The liquor speaks.

There's no liquor here, sir.

The liquor is in each and every one of us, Randy.

It's all around, all the time.

The liquor's telling us to go down to the horse track, Randy.

It's a sign!

We can talk about that other stuff later, okay?

Look.

See this?

This half of the money is ours.

We're gonna cherish it, we're gonna love it, and we're gonna protect it for as long as we can, okay?

See this pile?

This pile...

belonged to the almighty Julian.

But guess what?

Now it's free money!

We can be a bit reckless with it if we want to, Randy, because it's free, sexy money.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Randy...

Can't you see?

I was really f*cked up.

Now I'm so full of life just playing with this sh*t!

And, besides, you told me yourself, it's got the best canteen in Atlantic Canada.

Okay then, Mr. Lahey.

But promise me we're not gonna get too frigging out of control.

Randy.

When have I ever done that?

Working at the mall's pretty much the bottom of the barrel, but it's the easiest place to get a job because there's such a high turnover rate.

You know, there's a couple cool stores here.

There's a sports store, that's all right.

And there's a supplement store, which would be neat because I'd get a staff discount.

But you know, it's not about the money, it's not about any of that bullshit.

It's about feeling good about myself.

And you know, Bubs made me realize that...

that's something I haven't felt in a long time, so...

here I am.

Maybe I could borrow your truck later tonight and be a cab driver for the drunks at the bars.

You need a chauffeur's licence for that, Ricky, and you know what's gonna happen.

You're gonna end up sitting out front of bars f*cking drunk and high every night.

Yeah, good point.

Well, maybe I could work at the beach, doing something with the beach?

The beach?

There's not really any jobs at the beach, Ricky.

Other than a lifeguard, and I don't think you can do that.

You see?

Like, I'm f*cked!

There's nothing!

I'm just gonna go back to jail, it's f*cking easier.

We're done finishing these ice creams and this f*cking beautiful joint, I'm robbing that f*cking store and I'm going to jail!

f*ck it!

You're not.

You're not robbing the store.

We can figure this out.

Look...

Just think about the last six months.

What have you done?

Name something you've done where you just felt f*cking awesome.

Banging.

Banging was good.

Or eating or getting high or drunk, I like that.

Video games, hockey.

I don't know...

watching sports.

No, I get all that, but you can't get a job banging.

Like, something you did where you were just, like, "f*cking right on!" Like...

there must be something, Ricky, that makes you feel good.

Well, I built that deck.

I know when that was done I f*cking stood back and I'm looking at it going, "Holy f*ck, I built that." And it caused all these weird feelings, like...

I had...

like, these buttermoth feelings that...

they were trying to fly out of my f*cking mouth and my heart was about to explode.

It was good, whatever the f*ck it was.

Okay.

I...

See, I know.

You're...

That's proud, Ricky.

You felt proud.

-That's what you call that?

-That's what you call it.

I am proud.

The f*cking deck's amazing.

Right!

You did f*cking good work with the carpentry, so that's it!

Why don't you become a handyman?

Bubs, I'm not gonna start giving out f*cking handies.

I'm not that desperate.

I don't mean that, Ricky.

Not male prost*tute stuff.

I mean, you know, like doing odd jobs, little carpentry jobs...

-around the park, you know?

-[slurping]

You could do that.

You think?

Well, I mean, not to the level where if somebody wants a f*cking house built.

Or if they want their whole house rewired or a f*cking swimming pool put in or whatever.

Right.

But say somebody's got a loose railing on their deck or, you know, knocked a hole in the wall and they need it patched.

Who the f*ck are they gonna call?

Don't know, I do all that myself.

Don't know who the f*ck you call for that sh*t.

They'd call you, Ricky.

That's what I'm saying.

They would call you!

"Hey, Ricky, can you patch this hole for me?" I get it.

That's cool.

Yeah.

I think we can figure this out, Ricky.

All right, you guys wait here.

Don't be cock-blocking me.

Hey, how you doing?

-Hi there!

-Hi, I'm Julian.

Nice to meet you, Julian.

How can I help you?

Well, your name would be nice for starters.

-My name's Heather.

-Heather.

Holy sh*t, I love this outfit.

And your eyes are...

beautiful.

Thank you.

Uh, I'm just looking for a job application.

You're not serious, are you?

Oh yeah, I'm...

I'm serious.

I've always wanted to own a place like this and...

You know, I'm an entrepreneur, so I've got to start somewhere, right?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, well...

I'll be right back, Julian.

-Okay.

All right.

-Just wait here.

Okay, thanks, Heather.

f*ck, that was easy.

How much do you need to make, realistically, every week to live, Ricky?

Well, with Susan gone, probably 50, 60 bucks a week.

Just need enough money for a bit of pepperoni, some chicken fingers... food, basically...

some dope and liquor.

-There you go, 50, 60 bucks a week.

-Yeah.

You could make that, no problem, doing the odd, you know...

cutting some boards, putting up some drywall, whatever.

I bet you'd have so much f*cking work, you couldn't even handle it.

Well, I don't want too much work.

I mean, that is one of my...

life rules, right?

Not to work.

I know, Ricky, but that's what I'm saying about growing up, you know?

It's time to grow up.

You don't always get everything exactly the way you want it.

Sometimes you've just got to bite the cock.

You know what, Bubs?

You're f*cking right.

It's time for me to suck some cock.

No, that isn't...

that isn't at all what I said, Ricky.

I meant bite it figuratively, not go out and start actually...

doing it.

Hmm...

[background chatter]

[pen clicking]

[pen clattering]

Stop f*cking filming me!

Okay, Ricky, this is gonna be f*cking awesome!

Look at this, put that one up, but...

-Looks good.

-Give me another one.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

People don't know this, but the secret to putting up flyers: you put two side by side.

f*ck you, pork supper.

Look at this.

Put two side by side.

It's scientifically proven.

-Now that will get people's attention.

-Hey, fellas!

Look at those two f*cking cock ovens wearing their f*cking tool belts in the grocery store.

Probably don't know what the f*ck they're doing.

Got some f*cking competition now, you little d*ck mixers!

Ricky, don't get cocky about it.

If it isn't my two favourite d*ck pipes.

Get the f*ck out of my way!

-Go f*ck yourself.

-What the hell are you guys doing here?

Putting up flyers.

Rickey's got a new business.

Oh!

Oh!

Look, I've got a little kind of a f*cking, uh, a towel rack thingy that I want put up in my bathroom.

Do you think you could do that?

-Absolutely.

-A towel rack?

-I can do that in about two minutes.

-How much?

-A buck, buck 50, maybe?

-No, Ricky.

No, it's...

Look, if you look close at the fine print, it's a ten dollar minimum, ten bucks an hour, but guaranteed work.

He does f*cking great work.

Okay then, sweetie, you got a deal.

-Oh, my f*ck.

You know what?

-Oof!

People like you are gonna keep me the f*ck out of jail!

Thank you!

Get off me, you big f*cking oaf!

You smell of weed and ass.

[shudders]

Oh, and Bubba, I need some more of that Green Bastard beer.

-Okay.

-God, that stuff is delicious.

And tonight is the finale of Dancing With the Stars.

-Okay...

-See you in a bit.

Thanks.

Did I just get my first f*cking job?

You just got it, Ricky!

You are officially in business, bud.

I was f*cking born to do this!

[giggling]

Decent!

[announcer, indistinct on loudspeaker]

Look at this!

Randy, Randy...

Go!

Go!

Go for it!

Go for it!

-Yeah!

-[squealing]

We won 25 bucks, Mr. Lahey!

We won!

[slurring]

Hey, that's two in a row, Randy.

So, buddy, I think...

you know what?

I think I should have the next bet and I think we should take it up a few notches, okay, bud?

We shouldn't ruin our good luck streak, Mr. Lahey.

-Why not, Randy?

-Besides, I got a tingly feeling that Come From Behind's gonna take the next one!

Two bucks is another 25.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, look!

Look!

It's a sign, Randy, from the liquor.

Hello!

I'd like to pace a "blet", as you say.

Whoa, whoa!

Not allowed back here.

[cameraman]

Just f*cking relax.

On Topless Thunder!

-Okay.

-That's a 20-to-1 odds, sir.

Don't make that bet.

Oh, Randy, don't be so ridiculous!

This is a harbinger from the Gods of Liquor!

We can't f*cking lose, bud.

-How much would you like to bet?

-I'd like to bet 24,000.

-No, Mr. Lahey!

-But Randy...

-[indistinct shouting]

-Randy, for f*ck's sake!

Randy, stop it!

Randy, you gotta bet big if you wanna win big.

Mr. Lahey, you just made a big mistake!

No, I didn't, Randy!

Liquor never lies, bud, as time will tell.

What the frig...

This is the best idea Bubbles ever had.

I can't believe we never thought of this before.

Anyway, let's get this little hand towel holder put up and we're the f*ck out of here in five minutes.

These old homes are always built to code, so their studs are every 16 inches, so we'll just make a little mark here.

Put a couple screws in this and we're the f*ck out of here!

Ten bucks, just like that.

[power drill whirring]

[whirring, grinding]

There we go.

Perfect.

f*cking seriously?

Who the f*ck built this piece of sh*t?

He was obviously f*cking drunk.

f*ckin' Jesus.

Where the f*ck's the stud?

[banging]

Oh, for f*ck's sakes.

Now I got a f*cking hole here.

f*cking assh*le.

You can patch these little holes and...

you know, they still look pretty good, but...

the best thing to do when you get a hole like this is to...

to make a little square.

Then you'll never have to worry about it cracking.

May as well f*cking do it right!

So much for the g*dd*mn five-minute f*cking job.

But anyway...

f*cking idiots that built this f*cking place.

f*ck 'em.

Cut a nice little rectangle out of here.

Punch another couple holes in the corner...

[banging]

All right.

We take our trusty "I'll f*cking cut through anything" saw.

And make sure you try and stay on the lines, 'cause you wanna be able to replace a nice rectangle afterwards.

[electric saw whirring]

-[electrical buzzing]

-Oh, for f*ck's sakes...

[Marguerite]

What the f*ck is going on in there?

My g*dd*mn TV just went out.

Chill the f*ck out, Marguerite.

It's probably just a breaker, no big deal.

-I'll fix it.

-[Marguerite]

Ricky?

[electric saw whirring, rattling]

-What the f*ck are you doing?

-Oh, f*ck!


[hiss of spraying water]

[Marguerite]

What the hell was that?

[thudding, ripping, clattering]

-[Marguerite]

Ahh!

-f*ck, f*ck!

[Marguerite]

Where is this water coming from?

My TV is still off!

Right in the middle of my show, you...

you cock-sucking idiot!

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll you!

-[clattering]

-[Ricky]

f*ck!

-[Marguerite]

What the hell was that?

-Dammit!

[shouting]

f*ck!

[Marguerite]

Where is this water coming from?

[Ricky]

Get the f*ck in here!

-f*ck...

-[clattering]

[Marguerite]

What the doubling heck?

Yee!

I'm up to my f*cking ankles in water out here!

What the...

And my TV's still off!

-f*ck you!

-[Marguerite]

What's going on?

[water spraying]

Marguerite, you've got to shut your f*cking water off!

Shut your f*cking water off!

-[Marguerite]

What the f*ck?

-Ahh!

[water spraying]

[indistinct background chatter]

Excuse me, sir.

-What?

-Come with us, please.

Why?

[guard]

Just gonna have a little talk.

Here he is, sir.

Great.

Nice work, guys, thanks.

I'll take it from here.

Nice work, you're f*cking superheroes.

Nice.

Good going.

-Look, I didn't do anything wrong.

-Yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure.

You see, the thing is...

They have this new stuff.

-It's called, uh, security cameras.

-Mm-hmm.

They get your good side here, don't you think?

As you're reaching into this guy's pocket to steal that wallet, right there in plain sight, the footage not lying?

[Julian]

Is that it?

Is that it?

What do you mean, is that it?

Me taking a wallet?

-Yeah.

-[Julian scoffs]

Look.

Before I thought I'd apply for this f*cking job here...

-[objects clattering]

-I thought that I would, uh, do a little test on the security, and guess what I found out?

It sucks sh*t!

So bad I don't think I could even f*cking work here, which is unfortunate for you 'cause you could really use a guy like me, a professional.

Anyway, I thank you for your time.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's...

let's talk?

Oh.

I already have this f*cking...

They want me to work over in this mall in Halifax, okay?

Basically doing the same thing you're doing: staring at monitors, being the big boss man, eating sh*t, smoking f*cking cigarettes all day.

But that's not me.

You know, I'm the kind of guy that likes to be out in the field, taking the bad guys down and putting them away, making myself feel good.

And just between you and I, I'm a reformed criminal gone good and I've made it my life's mission to put the bad guys down and in jail.

Wish I could've helped you out, man.

W-w-w-w-wait, wait, wait.

[sighing]

I'm sorry, okay.

I-I didn't mean to accuse you.

It's just I'm under a lot of stress and pressure here, right.

I got kids in the food court throwing subs at me all the time.

I've just been back from the ashram six months.

Six months and I've already gained all the weight back, my wife has moved into the spare room, I can't quit smoking, I got Tweedledum and Tweedle-dumber out there with the walkies all day going, "Gary, come to the food court!" "Gary, come to administration!" "Gary, come here!

Gary, come here!

Gary, come here!" Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary!

I can take care of all of that for you, man.

All of it.

I can even help you get off the f*cking butts.

No problem, I'm your f*cking guy.

H...

h-how?

How do we make that work?

Twenty bucks an hour, Monday to Friday, I'm second in command, and when I am working, I work alone.

You can f*cking put those twat waffles on the weekend.

That's it.

-Come over here, you stupid bastard.

-f*ck off, Marguerite!

-[Marguerite shouting]

-[Bubbles]

What the f*ck is going on?

-I'm trying to deal with this!

f*ck off!

-What the f*ck is going on?

-Christ!

What is going on?

-Hit me with that f*cking broom again, -I dare you.

-This cock-sucking anti-Christer son of a bitch has totally trashed my f*cking bathroom!

That's what's happened?

Oh, yeah!

-What are you talking about?

-Be my guest.

Go in and take a look!

-Ricky, what did you do?

-Wasn't my f*cking fault.

-I nicked the water pipe...

-Oh, Ricky!

Things got a little more complicated.

But I'm going to...

Don't tell me there's water damage, Ricky!

[Marguerite]

f*cking idiot.

Oh, my...

Holy f*ck!

[Marguerite]

Ha!

Ha!

Grand, isn't it?

Ricky, oh, my God!

Are you joking?

Like I said, it's a little more complicated now, -but it's not a big deal...

-Ricky, the bathtub and the toilet, they're in the kitchen!

Are you kidding me?

Well, they had to go somewhere!

They're not gonna f*cking stay here.

It's gonna get dealt with.

So everyone calm the f*ck down!

Okay, Marguerite.

This is...

This is a major f*cking problem, Ricky.

[Ricky]

It's really not as bad as it looks.

Okay?

[Bubbles]

Oh, my Jesus...

sweet Murphy's tits!

Well, when some f*cking idiot decides to put a stud...

like...

it's not 16 f*cking inches, and then they're running pipes and sh*t up...

What, do they need water up in the f*cking attic?

These people are dumb!

I couldn't find the leak, so I'm tracing the sink.

Think it would be under the sink.

No!

Rip the f*cking sink out.

No!

It goes around to the f*cking tub.

So I rip that out.

And under the toilet.

Everything had to f*cking come out in order to fix this properly.

Who the f*ck runs f*cking pipes...?

[Bubbles]

Ricky!

I swear, I'll fix that too.

Who the f*ck runs pipes up here like this?

Oh, my Jesus, Ricky.

Look, Marguerite, calm...

He keeps saying it's not his fault.

-It's not!

-Well, I'm telling you...

Suppose I call the police and we let them sort out whose f*cking fault it is?

Look, Marguerite, I know you're wild, dear, I know you're wild.

-Yeah.

-I'm gonna give you two cases of beer right off the bat.

Free.

-Oh...!

-To calm your nerves.

And when I start to drink all that, where do you suppose I'm going to piss?

-That's a good point.

-Listen to me right now.

This bathroom looked like sh*t when I started.

The little towel rack would have made it look better, yes, I admit that.

Now it's f*cked.

I'll fix the whole thing, I'll do it right, not like the fuckhead that built this that didn't do it right.

I'll do it right for 200 bucks.

Brand new bathroom.

200 bucks!

Ricky, what are you talking about?

It's a good deal.

Let me tell you, when all of that phantasmic work is done, you can go f*cking whistle for your 200 bucks!

-f*cking loser.

-Just try and stay calm, Marguerite.

-Take a deep breath...

-Hate that f*cking guy.

-I'm going to k*ll him!

-I can't f*cking believe, Ricky, that this started with a g*dd*mn towel rack!

I know, right?

Anyway, do you think she's gonna be cool with pissing in a bucket?

She can't piss in a bucket!

She's 82!

Will she piss outside?

Ricky, you figure out where she's pissing.

She's not pissing outside like a f*cking wild animal.

Well, she might have to piss in your shed for a few days.

I'll let her know.

Thanks.

Marguerite?

You can piss at Bubbles' for the next few days.

Uhhh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh!

[whistling]

[clattering]

[handle rattling]

Randy.

Hey, Randy, open the door, the door's locked.

You went too far this time, sir.

You can sleep outside.

Randy...

Hey, listen, Randy, Randy, Randy!

I-I admit that I...

[slurring]

I made a mistake, bud.

I shouldn't have been listening to the liquor.

It's proof enough, sh*t, that liquor doesn't know sh*t about horses!

Look, Randy.

I don't wanna fight with you, bud, just open up the door.

Randy, I'll tell you what.

Let me in and...

I'll let you take care of the money from now on.

You promise, sir?

Yeah, I promise.

Cross my heart and hope to die, Randers.

-All the money?

-All the money.

All of it?

You can take care of it.

And I'll tell you what else I'll do.

I'll give you a nice little foot massage, Randers.

And I'll, uh...

I'll clean out your belly button with a nice, soft toothbrush and some lavender.

[lock clicking]

-Thanks, Randy.

-Okay, Mr. Lahey.

Boop, boop!

[giggling]

Ricky, Mike f*cking Holmes couldn't redo that bathroom for 200 bucks.

-Like, what are you thinking?

-You don't understand, man.

My head's got it mapped out in a way that I'm still going to come out of this with 150 bucks profit!

Need to steal a few f*cking supplies.

-That's not a bad day's work.

-Ricky!

Listen to yourself though.

The whole point of you getting into business for yourself is so that you don't have to break the law anymore.

I'm not.

You just said you're gonna steal supplies.

Like, stealing is not allowed anymore, Ricky, that's what I'm saying.

If you wanna turn your life around, you make an honest living being your own boss.

-That's how you do it.

-Boys, check it out!

I got a job at the mall.

I just put in a four-hour shift.

I f*cking loved it, man.

It was awesome!

A job at the mall?

Doing what?

Oh, Ricky, come on.

It's...

Look.

He's a cashier, Ricky.

-[giggling]

-I'm a security man.

-That's amazing!

-Yeah, man.

You've got a real job.

You're a working man!

-[Julian]

Damn rights, buddy.

-Unbelievable.

I'm proud of you, Julian.

I'm very proud of you.

Very proud.

Ricky...

Ricky got a legit job today too.

No way.

Doing what, carpentry?

How the f*ck did you know that?

Ricky, I'm proud of you too.

-Get in here.

-Get over here, man.

-Get in here!

-Are you kidding me?

-Huggie wuggies time.

-All right, buddy!

[Cory]

Aw, dudes, I love hugs!

Look, man.

f*cking hero, dude, I found one.

But the rest are all broken.

What should I do?

Maybe, Cory, maybe you should go down and f*cking ram them in your stupid piss-hole.

-[Ricky laughing]

-Why don't you do that?

Cory, go clean up the f*cking bottles!

Go!

Don't ruin beautiful moments, Cory!

f*ck's sakes!

[sighing]

Get back in here!

I'm not giving up on my hugs.

-[giggling]

-Right on, boys.

My two best friends making an honest living.

Right, Ricky?

-Right, Bubs.

-Honest.

-Right on, man.

-Boys...

if I was a kitty, you guys'd both need earplugs right now, I'd be purring so loud!

[giggling]

[purring]

[theme music]

[seagulls squawking]

[fish]

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck!...

f*ck off!

Jesus Christ!

[whispering]

f*ck.

-[light clicks off]

-f*ck off.
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