05x07 - Launch Pad to Trash Hole

[bunniefuu]

♪ (EXHALES)

Ohh!

Aaah!

Ahhhh!

Easy!

Easy!

Easy!

Easy!

Easy!

Easy! Would you stop saying "easy?!" I'm defusing a b*mb here.

Every time you move, the whole landscape changes!

You don't have to do this.

I can handle it myself.

You know, look, I've had a really f*cked-up hours, okay, and I could really use something just meditative, and mindless to focus on.

This is not mindless, Kate, this is precision work.

The doctor said it has to be very clean.

- Not too loose.

Not too tight!

- I get it, I get it!

I got it, okay?

Relax!

I can change your bandage.

- I'm good, I'm focused.

- Ah!

It's just that Sloane said I can't have my feet

- in two different boats.

- What are you talking about?

It's a "friends versus business" analogy.

Huh?

And it's like, I can't pick, you know, like, what is she, a sociopath?

These are my friends,

- that's my work.

Ugh!

- Oh God!

Oh!

Oof!

I mean, granted, I really did step in it with Frankie.

Hm.

Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Oohhhh!

Okay!

Okay, ohhh!

And with Anne, it's like, when is she gonna wake up and realize that I helped her?

She should pick a boat before she rips her f*ckin' chinos!

- Oh!

Ohh!

- (PHONE CHIMES)

Oh!

Oh, please focus.

Sorry, it's just this e-mail group with all the moms from Charlie's school.

They won't leave me alone.

Between them, and Sloane, and the boats,

- and the splits, ugh!

- Just stop!

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

Look, even if you wanted to, you couldn't stick to one boat.

Your heart and your business are interconnected.

But why do the boats have to go in different directions?

Just keep 'em side-by-side, like water skis.

- I do have very strong thighs.

- The strongest.

And, I'm bleeding.

Oh, that's no problem, I got that.

Just stop!

Walk away.

- All right.

- (PAINED GRUNTS)

- Holler if you need anything.

- Ah!

(SIGHS)

Ohhh!

♪ (EXHALES HEAVILY)

Hey, Lionel!

Kate, is this a butt dial?

- Uh, no, how you doing, buddy?

- I'm okay, I actually took two multivitamins today by accident, and I feel a little off in my stomach, but, you know how sometimes you get that thing where...

Anyway, listen, I know Anne's pissed at me, and that's why she flew home, but would you do me a favour, and just have her call me back?

Uh, what are you talking about?

She's with you.

No, yeah, she's here.

She's here in Toronto.

Um, I'm gonna have to call you back.

- (BEEPS CALL OFF)

- Kate?

- ANNE: You've reached Anne, leave a message.

- (BEEP) You can screen your calls all you want, Anne, but I know you're in Toronto, now, listen up.

We've got a massive press day coming up, so I'm gonna need you to hydrate, throw on a sheet mask, and give that attitude an enema, because we've got business to do!

Please call me back.

♪ He doesn't like me.

BIANCA: I know you're going through a lot right now, but you signed on to be this boy's Mom, and you hardly know him.

You know what?

This was a mistake.

I'm coming home.

No, I am sorry, B.

Okay, as soon as I shut down my business and fire my staff, k*ll my dreams, I'm all Sol's.

Him and I are gonna connect so hard, it's gonna make you sick.

Just the standard connection would be fine.

- Right.

Okay.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh man, I should, I should probably get that.

Please don't come home, okay?

I'm gonna do this right.

- I promise!

- You sure?

- Muah!

Hmm.

- (CALL CHIMES OFF)

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Okay!

You and me, kiddo.

Grragh!

Be right back.

Hey, so I was an idiot.

Agreed.

So are you gonna invite me in so I can explain myself?

- No.

- All right, look, so...

the "Penny Pest Control" author sh*t the bed at this event in front of all these kids, and I had just seen Rhoda's "Rat Girl." It was a Band-Aid, I didn't think it was gonna stick.

Band-Aids stick, Kate, actual adhesive.

- Sure, I borrowed it.

- You stole it!

It's just that, the book's goin', Frank.

You know, I'm doing the best I can here, I wanna help.

- Well, it's not good enough.

- Seriously?

We're talking about the scribblings of a -year-old, you know.

So is this your way of apologizing, or do you really not feel like you did anything wrong?

'Cause you can't have it both ways!

Let's just calm down for a second.

Telling someone to calm down never makes them calm down!

You know what, I think you should just go!

Surely there's someone else in town who needs to be robbed, and insulted.

W-have you seen Anne, by chance?

Why?

Did you steal from her kid, too?

- All right.

All right.

- (DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

Honey, uh, what...

(DISHES CLINK)

Is that what I think it is?

Well, if Anne's therapy didn't work, what will?

If I can't help them thrive, then dammit, the least I can do is keep them alive.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Boys, breakfast!

Oh, God.

They've flown.

Hmm.

Well, what to do with all this food?

My little orphan Annie.

- Whoa.

- How'd you sleep?

Terribly.

Well, you did pick Joseph's bed, and God knows it's taken a humping.

But then again, Jacob's is just full of holes.

Jesus.

Anywho, make yourself at home.

But also, do you have any plans to go home?

I do.

- I don't.

- Hmm.

I do, I-I mean, I don't, but...

I do.

Well...

take your time.

Just not too much of it.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

- Hmm.

- Yeah.

Just...

really.

(SIGHS)

Enjoy.

Oh.

(DOOR CLICKS SHUT)

♪ Okay!

Is it supposed to hurt my bones?

I thought it was like Pilates.

Lagree is Pilates for important people.

Oh.

You know, Anne's pre-sales are looking good, thanks to that stunt she pulled on TV.

Really?

I was trying to tell you guys that.

Everybody's scared of bad publicity

- until their books sell out.

- Huh.

- Switch.

- Thank God!

No, I-I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

You were right.

Enough with this middle-splits sh*t, you know?

From here on out, nothing but business boat.

I was hoping to hear that.

Now, how do you feel about a business yacht?

Yeah!

Uh, but what is that?

I want you on more Wynston properties.

- Switch.

- Oh!

Uh...

I'll triple your retainer.

Wait, seriously?

Oh, Sloane, you can...

- you can count on me.

- If I were you, I'd seriously consider growing your company so you can handle the workload.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I hope you're not afraid of money, 'cause you're about to drown in it.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

♪ Any word from Anne?

- No.

- Well, track her down.

Also, I hope you've got galoshes on.

- What?

- And maybe an umbrella.

Why?

'Cause I'm about to make it rain!

Wynston is gave us keys to the vault.

Which means we're taking on more titles, and you've gotta set up some interviews!

Because we're expanding, baby, we're gonna be huge!

Oh, so we'll be spending more time together? Oh, sh*t!

Those heels are hot!

Are you shopping?

Kate?!

Kate?

Mm!

I love them, I do.

I really, really do.

Pleasure yourself, or no one else will.

You know, I'm gonna buy them.

Because I can... afford them.

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪ Wow.

Holy mother of Christ, you look incredible!

Thank you, I feel incredible.

Wow!

Oh, and by the way, your first interview is waiting in your office.

He's actually from Mo's company.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Huh.

(CHUCKLES)

- Should I come?

- No.

Hmm.

So, you work with Mo Daniels?

Must be fun.

What do you think of him?

I think I've learned a lot.

- That's it?

- What do you mean?

Okay, here's the deal, what I'm looking for in an employee is a bullshit free relationship.

So I'm gonna ask you again.

What do you think of Mo Daniels?

(SIGHS)

Come on, Louis, open up.

It's just us gals.

(SIGHS)

Okay, well, in my opinion, I think he takes on a lot of work, does it too fast, and it's sloppy.

And the clients are noticing.

Honestly, if we keep losing work the way that we have been, the company's headed for bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy?

That is interesting.

- (FORK CLINKS)

- Mmm!

Mm-hmm!

Mm-hmm!

Mm-hmm!

Mm-hmm!

You done?

Mmm!

Mmm!

f*ckin' yum!

All right, let's do this.

(PEN CLANKS)

For Mo Daniels PR.

Seriously?

You wanna buy out my company?

I'm thinking about it.

Trying to figure out if it's worth my time.

- (LAUGHS)

- What do you say?

- No.

- (PHONE CHIMES)

- Let me guess, Mom sh*t?

- This f*ckin' e-mail group.

The Moms from my son's school, they update each other constantly about nothing.

(SCOFFS)

I so badly want to write back "unsubscribe."

(LAUGHS)

Some things never change.

Except for those glasses.

What is that, a brain injury?

I don't like to show my hand, it's a poker thing.

Except I can fully see both of your eyeballs.

Can you, though?

Hmm?

Yeah, look left.

Now look right.

Yes.

Well, it's about how it makes you feel, okay?

I can't explain poker to you.

Look, we both know that Mo Daniels PR is a sinking ship headed straight for the ocean floor, surrounded by those deep water fish that have never seen the sun,

- they probably don't even have eyes.

- What does that even mean?

This is the best of your bad options.

Get in my business boat.

Toot!

Toot!

How can you afford this?

How about you leave those details to me.

Now, what do you say?

I want an office with a window.

Can't promise you that.

A small window?

It's not personal, there's just not a lot of windows.

♪ How did you boys get this apartment?

We asked Mel for guidance, and he got us jobs.

Really?

Surprise!

This is one of the buildings that I manage.

I got the boys helping me around with the units, and got them a good deal on this place.

- Hm.

- Now they can really grow up.

Dr.

Carlson says if you wanna be a man, you have to be self-efficient.

- Self-sufficient.

- That, too.

Oh, more water?

Jacob got us this sick Brita off Craigslist.

Milord?

Milady.

When you dine with us, you want for nothin'.

It's true.

Where did you boys learn these manners?

"Game of Thrones."

- Bro!

- What?

We forgot the fish sticks!

Motherf...

pardon us.

- Excuse us.

After you.

- Enjoy, sir.

- Please.

- Please, you.

- Oh, thank you.

- What's wrong?

I, I thought you'd be happy.

Well, these aren't even my boys.

They're domesticated husks!

Oh, I hate to say it, but...

I preferred them feral.

(SIGHS)

I am so charged right now!

NATHAN: Good for you.

I just spilled a half a bowl of ramen in our sheets. And I think I'm developing a rash on my thighs.

Sorry to hear that, but I just bought a company, and we are percent boning tonight.

Sorry, wait, what?

(LAUGHS)

I know!

I got a loan from the bank.

You took out a loan?

This is how you build a business, Nathan.

And we are gonna pop a bottle of champagne, and f*ck about it!

Good afternoon.

I am definitely not having sex tonight.

I have an open wound, and...

sorry, you took out a loan?

You think I can't get you hard?

I'll get you hard if it kills you.

Rosie, my office, we're doin' a nude.

What?

Oh my God!

Okay!

What?

No.

Uh-uh.

I was gonna take it.

You were just gonna give me some pointers,

- and get the hell outta here.

- Are you kidding?

You'll never be able to get the angles I can.

- All right, what the hell.

- Okay!

So, glasses, I assume they're coming off?

No, on.

Glasses on.

Trust me.

Okay, so what are we thinking?

Boobs?

Not exactly Titty City here, but...

Boobs?

What is this, ?

No, guys these days,

- they want hole pics.

- Hole pics?

As in pics of...

my holes?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess if that's what's in vogue.

So is this okay?

Is this good?

(SIGHS)

I think we gotta go all the way.

I feel like we're already crossing a line, I don't wanna get a call from HR.

Kate, I am HR.

Now shut the f*ck up, and let's steam these windows.

Okay, you're the pro.

So do I just sort of tuck it to the side type of thing?

- That's it.

Perfect.

- Boy!

Okay, now spread 'em.

With your fingers, spread 'em.

- Oh right, yeah.

- Great work.

- Tickle it with your thumb.

- What?!

Okay, now, Cat and Cow Pose for me, Kate.

- Sure, yeah.

- Cat.

Cow.

Cat.

Cow.

- Right.

- Really arch your back, concave!

Arch, and concave.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Cat.

Cow.

Half-moon!

- I don't know what that is.

- Oh my God, it's so good!

Oh!

Now, smack it.

Smack it!

Ohhh!

Oh my God, I'm scared.

- This is sexy?!

- Yes!

- So sexy!

- Okay, you know what?

That's enough, give me that.

Oh my-ooh!

That's the entire launchpad to trash hole.

Yeah, that's a twofer.

Now, I don't see nipples.

Is that bad?

Who needs nipples when you have two holes?

- Right.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh God, here we go, Nathan's not gonna know what hit him!

Oh, how'd your meeting go with Mo, did he take the deal?

Big time, we are tycoons, baby, you better start making space out there.

Really?

Where?

Rosie, we're growing, get on board.

See all that negative space?

Make it positive.

Aye aye, Captain!

Sent!

What happened to Brody was a terrible, terrible thing.

And right as we were hitting such momentum.

Are we fired?

Well, under the circumstances, yes.

Oh no!

My trauma counselor is on a golf trip all week.

I'm so sorry things are ending like this.

This is very bad experience.

Okay.

Yes.

Um...

thanks, Ladislav.

Bye, now.

(SIGHS)

You know, Frankie, in all my years, an agent has never tried to prove the strength of a window by running directly at it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I can't get it out of my head.

At least it was quick, he couldn't have felt a thing.

But I'm wracking my brain for a worse way to go.

I suppose so, yeah.

Look, Frankie, the building's getting shut down.

And I've got a massive lawsuit on my hands thanks to that boy's family.

I need you to go talk to them.

What?

No!

I cannot do that.

You know, you're lucky that I'm not suing you.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

He was a live wire, you knew that, you encouraged it.

That boy's blood is on your hands.

Now how 'bout you go make this right, so I don't have to come after Coyne Realty.

♪ (SIGHS)

♪ Wait, so when do we use the bleach?

- Only on the whites.

- Oh.

Mom?

Wh-what are you doing here?

Just because you flew the coop doesn't mean I'm not still your mother!

I thought you boys could use a nice home-cooked meal once in a while.

Check the freezer.

- Oh!

- Whoa!

Hmm!

- Whoa, thanks, Mom!

- Yeah!

Nice!

There may also be something for you in the pantry.

What?!

- No way!

Oh!

- sh*t!

My flesh!

Yes!

Wait, which one's mine?

- Let's smell them.

- VAL: Oh!

Oh.

- That's me.

That's me.

- There's my boys.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

- Ohhhh!

Waaaah!

(KNOCKING)

- Oh no.

- What are you doing here?

How did you find me?

Val called about a hundred times.

(SIGHS)

- Are those puffed sleeves?

- Are those board shorts?

Are those white leather boots?

- Is that a bong?

- It is.

Cool, dude.

Why are you at Val's?

Uh, because I needed space from you.

Honestly, I think I still do.

Those glasses, my God.

They're...

they have been receiving some, um...

feedback.

They're not for everyone.

You know I didn't arrange for Alicia to be on that show.

Yes, but you're working for someone who wants to exploit me!

But I'm your publicist, ding dong!

I'm never gonna put you in something that isn't in your best interest.

(SIGHS)

Everyone's afraid of bad publicity

- 'til their book sells out.

- What does that mean?

Well, while your next few appearances are critical, the way your pre-sales are tracking, you might have a hit on your hands.

Really?

You still think this was a mistake?

I got you something.

Put you in the right headspace.

Vibrator?

Really?

This is very weird.

Even for us.

We have found the line.

Excuse me, I am here as a professional

- business colleague.

- This is not professional.

You have a big day tomorrow, I need you in your best mindset, hmm?

It's called the "SatisfyHer." It's very elegant, it's prestige, really.

"Next generation air pulse clitoral stimulation?" Seriously, Kate?

Next time, maybe just like, a scarf, or a candle, or something.

How about you take it for a spin before all the criticism.

Apparently it can make you cum in like, seconds!

- (SNORTS)

- You're psycho!

I'm literally living with Val, what am I supposed to do with this?

Maybe see how many times you can cum before I get to the car.

Well, I'll let you two get acquainted.

Stay sharp.

(WHIRRING)

(KNOCKING)

(GASPS)

Lionel?

What...

How did you find me?

Val called about a hundred times.

Where have you been?

(SIGHS)

(SOBS)

Okay.

It's okay.

Okay.

Hug your Mom.

Hug your Mom.

(ANNE SOBS)

It's okay, we're here.

- We're here.

- Yeah.

Why are you dressed like a member of Blink ?

(ANNE SOBS)

(TV MURMURS QUIETLY)

Hi.

Oh.

- Have you gone nuts?

- It's called expanding.

You gotta treat yourself, or no one else will.

Kate, we gotta talk about this loan.

- We cannot afford...

- Nathan, what the f*ck?

I was flying high today, I send you a sexy pic, and nothing?

- Huh?

- The hole pic.

What are you talking about?

What's a hole pic?

What does it sound like?

Oh!

Yeah, I definitely didn't get that.

What?

Well, I sent it to you, the whole enchilada!

Launchpad to trash hole!

Check your e-mail!

I checked it like, two minutes ago.

- Check it again!

- Okay.

Um...

okay.

Refresh it.

- Uh, refresh it again.

- I am.

Maybe check "All Mail."

Check spam!

No.

Refresh it?

Yeah.

Maybe uh, refresh it?

Check your "Sent."

Kate?

Who'd you send your trash hole to?

The Mom Group.

Every single one in Charlie's class.

Wow.

That's a twofer.

♪