06x19 - Substitute

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, nice.

So yesterday I'm at this garage sale, I look down, and there it was.

The Darth Vader action figure with the incredibly rare green light saber.

How have I not kicked your ass yet?

Fore! Whoa!

Watch out! Parking lot!

It was just a Pinto.

Fez, this is Putt-Putt.

Your choices are putt or putt.

Hey, what the hell?

Oh, Forman. Yeah, I should've known it was you guys.

Most people that come here can't hit the ball that hard on account of they're in kindergarten.

Mitch, congratulations.

This seems like the perfect job for someone your size, what with the free lodging and the little castle on hole six.

Yeah, there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.

Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard or you guys are out of here.

What are you... No.

God, I hate that guy.

Tear him a new hole-in-one.

Wow, Forman, I haven't seen you this pissed since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar.

You were like, "Hyde, I swear to God!"

Then you never did anything.

Yeah? I'm about to do something.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

No, I don't know how to do that.

Mitch, I'm so sorry.

What?

I've lost the ability to process language on account of I have a concussion.

There's more bad news.

When you return to the course, you're gonna find that some punk drew boobs and a butt cr*ck on the clown statue.

And don't try to wash it off 'cause I used permanent marker.

Forman, why are we always fighting?

I can't even remember how we got this way.

I think a chick said that to me once.

No, that was me.

Don't you think that we should be friends?

Okay, well, you...

You're obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications.

We're just gonna go.

You know, Mitch, if you ever want to come hang out in the basement, you know...

Really? Thanks.

I'd smile, but the left side of my face is kind of paralyzed.

Forman, why'd you invite him over?

You were almost out of there and you turned back around.

Look, yeah, Forman, there's only two times in life that you turn back around, basketball and runway modeling.

No, and square dancing.

It's called a do-si-do.

Look, Mitch knows I didn't mean it.

Hey, Eric.

Mitch.

I can't believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green light saber.

What? No, no, it's...

What a geek.

Wow, I love this place.

It's not just dinner. It's a thrill ride, 'cause there's a small chance you're getting knifed.

I don't know, Bob.

I've tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to k*ll me.

Well...

It's thanks to the work of brave men like you that America's enemies are working here for a minimum wage.

Oh!

Mom, would you please stop playing with his hair?

You don't know where it's been.

I think a good dinnertime policy might be everybody feeds and grooms themselves.

Oh, oh! And speaking of grooming, Pamela, I noticed that your skirt was torn all the way up to your thigh.

No, I actually bought it this way.

See, most skirts are only slit up to the knee, but I think people want to see more than that.

Hear, hear!

Here comes the waiter.

I'm glad you're all here to help me celebrate this very special time with this very special lady.

Oh, Bob, it means a lot to me that you realize how special I am.

I do. That's why I want to ask you to move in with me.

Oh, my God. What?

Gosh, Bob, that's really sweet and I'd really love to, but I'm seeing someone else.

Sorry.

But you'll still come visit, right? j& Clowns to the left of me j& Jokers to the right, here I am j& Stuck in the middle with you j&

What are you doing?

I'm not touching you.

Well, stop it.

But I'm not touching you.

Well, stop not touching me.

Okay.

Wasn't it better when I wasn't touching you?

Yeah.

They look happy. Why don't we have a game?

Would you stop asking me why don't we have stuff?

"Why don't we have a song?" "Why don't we have a movie?"

We're men.

I thought we were sensitive men.

We're not.

One of us is.

Shut up!

And it's not you.

Well, Mitch, I'll tell you what.

It's been really fun having you over, but it's almost sundown, and we celebrate the Sabbath, so unless you have your...

Your... Your little beanie, then I guess we're gonna have to say adios or shalom, as we say.

You guys are Jewish?

I'm Jewish!

Wow, you are gorgeous.

Are you kidding me? No, no, no, no, I'm the pretty one. Me.

You're the hottest redhead since Batgirl.

And you're not just gorgeous.

I mean, you radiate intelligence and deep thought, a real sense of self.

Eric, I like your new friend.

She's gotta be with you, huh?

I can't say I haven't tried, my little friend, but she's with Eric for now.

Really?

Well, what's wrong with her? Is she, like, an alcoholic or a drug addict?

Yeah. Yeah, she's addicted.

She needs a daily dose of this guy.

I just think it's pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese restaurant our Japanese car broke down.

Hey, buddy.

Whoa, Eric, you didn't tell me you had an older sister.

Please, if you're gonna go with fake charm, let's keep it in the realm of reality, okay?

You shut your porky mouth.

I have the skin of a 25-year-old who smokes.

You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle who used to fix tanks in Vietnam.

Now that's hero's work, fixing machines that k*ll people you don't agree with.

My only regret is that I haven't had a chance to fight for my country.

Really?

Eric's only regret is that he doesn't live in space.

That's not my only regret.

It's just one of them.

Excellent Fruity Pebbles.

You know, at the police academy they'll only give me corn flakes, 'cause they say the sugar gets me too hopped up to carry a w*apon.

I guess what they weren't counting on was me taking my w*apon home for the weekend.

My poor dad. You know, he's so upset.

This morning during The Price is Right he didn't even yodel along during "Cliffhanger."

Donna, we wanted them apart, and now they are.

Look, some things just don't belong together, like my mom and your dad, or Michael and a g*n.

No, seriously, how could they give me a g*n?

You don't even sound like you feel bad.

Donna, this whole thing is your dad's fault.

Come on, Donna.

Who asked the woman to move in with him after knowing her for such a short time?

I'll tell you who.

The same guy who let you move in here after your parents took off and you had no place else to go. My dad.

I mean, you know your mom is wrong and that she hurt my dad, who's never been anything but nice to you.

How can you defend her?

I pick the pretty one.

Hey, Dad. How you doing?

How do you think I'm doing?

Pam ripped out my heart and stomped on it in shoes I paid for.

Well, do you want to go down to the pet store and look at puppies?

You could sing How Much Is that Doggie in the Window?

And I'll do the "Arf! Arf!" part.

Nah, I'm gonna watch Love Boat.

I think the big guy in the shorts is finally gonna nail the girl with the clipboard.

Yeah!

I'm sorry. That's the sugar. j& My best friend's girlfriend j&

Okay, Kelso, truth or dare?

Truth.

Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?

I mean, dare.

You have snuck in there. I was there and I saw you.

I mean, dare.

Okay, Steven, truth or dare?

The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be telling me that you love me.

Okay.

Pass.

Okay, Mitch, truth or dare?

I pick dare, Mitch.

Okay, Mitch, I dare you to kiss Donna.

Mitch, naughty Mitch.

Mitch, you goofball, that's not how it works.

You have to be like, "I dare you to kiss me."

Okay.

What the hell!

He did it!

Look at him go. He's like a hummingbird.

I can't believe Mitch would do that.

He just flew at you like one of the little monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.

I was scared.

Much like you are when you watch The Wizard of Oz.

Okay, look, I don't want Mitch hanging out here anymore.

He was just fooling around. He didn't mean anything by it.

It's like Fez. He's all over me all the time, but it doesn't mean he's after me.

Yes, it does.

From now on, I'll try to be clearer.

Mom, there you are.

How could you do that to Bob?

Now, honey, Bob will be fine. No, he won't.

Mom, Bob is a wonderful guy with a huge heart who only worries about what he could do for other people.

And, yeah, okay, maybe he has an afro.

But sometimes goodness and afros go together.

But, Jackie, the other guy that I'm seeing is a Lincoln dealer.

Oh, my God, Mom, really?

Mom, we could be driving in matching pink...

No, no. Mom, no. No.

Okay, look, I know...

I know that Bob might not be the smoothest or the classiest guy you've ever dated, but I've learned that doesn't mean he's a bad person.

Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have sent you to public school.

Mom, if you keep thinking this way, you'll always be running from one place to another looking for something better instead of just being happy with what you have.

You know what? I guess you have a lot of thinking to do.

You're right. Mas tequila, Hirohito.

I said, "Thinking."

Hello? Is anyone here?

Hyde?

Well, I guess it's time for me and 24 of my collectible action figure friends.

It was a dark time for the Force.

After the Formanian wars, young Luke Skywalker had to face his most formidable enemy yet.

Darth Vader with the rare and deadlier green light saber.

What? No.

Mitch!

Mitch, these omelets are amazing.

Well, you know, an omelet's only as beautiful as the person who eats it, so, I'd have to say that this omelet has the prettiest red hair I've ever seen.

Thief! He's a thief.

You stole my Vader action figure.

You, too?

I thought Eric was the only one weird enough to play with a doll.

Action figure.

You know, it's bad enough you stole a kiss from my girlfriend, but this...

This has gone too far.

So my honor is less important than a doll?

Action figure!

Now give it back.

Hold on just a second.

Now, Mitch, did you or did you not put onions in my omelet?

'Cause I asked for them, but I didn't see you put them in there.

Eric, I didn't take your action figure.

Doll. Action figure!

I wouldn't do that, especially not to a friend.

What? We're not friends, man.

We never were. I only invited you over here 'cause I felt bad for you, but I don't like you. And guess what? Neither does anyone else.

Fine.

I won't bother you guys anymore.

And somebody needs to flip that in about three minutes!

Well, that was brutal. I feel bad for the little guy.

I just wanna put him up on my shoulders and buy him a balloon.

Eric, how could you?

Mitch had a lot of good qualities, like, for example, he worshiped me.

I mean, at one point, I thought he was gonna light a fire and dance around me.

Yeah, well, you know what? I was right, okay? He's a thief.

Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your little doll?

Action figure!

Oh, no.

In the tub, Forman?

It is getting really hard to be your friend.

Okay, I'd like to thank everyone for coming back here with me.

True, it is the place of my greatest humiliation.

But the fish is good, the sake's strong, and these Japanese people are funny to watch.

That's the spirit, Dad.

The slightly offensive spirit.

Well, you know, I think you're lucky to be rid of Pam with her halter tops and her tight skirts.

You know, I've never even seen a panty line on her.

You know what that means.

Plus, you're too nice for my mom anyway.

You know, someday you're gonna make a slightly less-attractive woman very happy.

Hello, Bob.

No, it's not a beautiful dream, it's really me.

I've been doing some thinking, Bob, and I realized that my priorities are a little mixed up.

I told her that. That was me. I saved the day!

It doesn't matter how it happened.

The important thing is she's back in our lives.

Anyway, Bob, I realized that you're the man for me.

I'm sorry, Pam. It's too late.

I'm completely over you. O-V-E-R. Over.

And I want to move in with you. Here's your key.

Dad? Are you sure this is a good idea?

She makes me happy, kitten.

Fine.

But I don't want to see, like, any of her panties laying around the house.

Don't worry. You won't.

Hey, Mitch.

Look, I wanted to apologize.

I thought you stole my Vader, but it turns out I left it in the...

Hyde stole it.

Yeah, I guess I was out of line, too.

I shouldn't have jumped on your girlfriend in front of you.

It's just, you have such a great life.

And if I never see you or your friends ever again, I'm always gonna treasure that time that I spent with Donna.

Okay, well, then I'll just say goodbye.

So lonely.

Hey, Mitch,

you know, if you ever want to hang out, you know, you're always...

You know... Great. Thanks.

Are we gonna do this now? Yeah, buddy, let's do it!

Okay. All right.

Hey, so do you think I might have a sh*t with Donna?

Mitch, she's my fiancee. So that's a maybe.

Oh, Pamela, hi.

I just came here to get my scarf.

Oh! Here it is.

You thought you lost your scarf. That must have made you nervous.

Would you like a drink? Well, it's a little early, but...

It's probably 5:00 somewhere.

Two Saigon Slammers, hold the fruit.

First round's on me.

That's okay. I have a tab.