HALL / I.C.U.
J.D.'s Narration: Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A "hook," if you will.
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla.
[into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.
Continue to...
NURSES' STATION
Carla: Where'd you get the idea for the stupid tape recorder?
Turk's Recorder: Dude, I love your new tape recorder.
The two guys laugh.
Carla: [laughs mockingly] You two are idiots!
J.D.: Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook and I only had one other idea.
***FANTASY: PATIENT'S ROOM
J.D.: Mr. Hawkins, the results of your tests are back, and you have--
Parrot: Liver disease! Liver disease! [trills]
J.D.: Sorry, that's all he can say. Anyway, you don't have liver disease -- you have inoperable lung cancer.
Parrot: Liver disease!
J.D.: If only, Chauncy.
BACK TO REALITY***
J.D.: Bottom line, that tape recorder won't fly away and break your heart.
Carla: I'm sorry! I'm just a little edgy because my husband woke me up again last night, and he knows once I'm up I can't go back to sleep!
Turk: Baby, I was quiet last night.
***FLASHBACK: TURK AND CARLA'S ROOM - PREVIOUS NIGHT
Clatter.
Carla: Great. I'm awake.
Turk: Sorry about that, sweetness. Um, since you're up, I was wondering if maybe we could--
Carla: Are you crazy? No, Turk. But--
Turk snores heavily.
BACK TO PRESENT***
HALL
Sneeze.
J.D.'s Tape Recorder: Gesundheit!
J.D.'s Thoughts: I love my new tape recorder. Not only is it a time-saver, I can record my every thought.
J.D.: [into recorder] I like toast.
J.D.'s Thoughts: They aren't all winners. Still, as long as I have this thing, I don't need to be in my head so much.
He passes Elliot, bumping her shoulder.
Elliot: Excuse me! Heh!
Elliot's Thoughts: Why did I say "excuse me"? He bumped in to me! I have to stop doing that.
Elliot: Excuse me!
Elliot's Thoughts: Frick!
Molly: Hey, I got you a blueberry muffin, but I know you don't like blueberries, so I picked them all out.
Elliot: Oh!
Elliot's Thoughts: A lot of people think Molly's a little off, but I totally get her. She's like the big sister I always wanted. She makes me feel better about myself.
***FLASHBACK: SALON
Molly: They're so not finger-toes. I mean, these are finger-toes. Yours are cute like french fries.
Elliot: Really? [laughs] Yeah!
I can do calligraphy with mine.
***FLASHBACK: BAR
Elliot's Thoughts: She looks after me.
Elliot: Agh! Sorry! Sorry!
***FLASHBACK: CONCERT
Elliot's Thoughts: She makes me do things I don't normally do.
Common performs. The crowd chants the chorus.
Elliot's Thoughts: She's the Peppermint Patty to my Marcy -- you know, minus the thick glasses and the strong lesbian vibe.
BACK TO PRESENT***
CAFETERIA
J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg-Dr. Dre song? What does "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist on Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bro.
Molly: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and them 'lo-los' girls." Lo-los, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the 'hood, a lo-lo is a lowrider, or a car with an adjusted suspension that allows it to bounce up and down.
She and Molly demonstrate the movement with their hands, much to J.D.'s amusement.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop enjoy driving around together in their lowriders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
Elliot: [rapping] I'm representin' for them gangtas all across the world!
Molly: [rapping] Still hittin' them corners and them lo-los girls!
Elliot: [rapping] Still --
Elliot
& : [rapping] -- taking my time to perfect the b*at, and I still got love for the street!
Molly
Carla: Turk! You just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it!
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot and Molly make scratch noises.
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
HALL
Elliot's Thoughts: There's Dr. Kelso. Okay, you're chief resident now, so say hi. But don't stop, or you'll have to come up with something else to say, and you know you don't improvise well.
Elliot: Hi, Dr. Kelso!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid.
She stops.
Elliot: I see you've trimmed your nose hair!
Elliot's Thoughts: Frick on a stick!
Elliot's Thoughts: Molly's nervous because her boyfriend's in town.
Molly: You know, Mike's kind of private, so when we go out to dinner, just pretend I never told you any of that personal stuff.
Elliot: Gotcha.
Elliot's Thoughts: Mike's got a curved peep.
Elliot: Whoa!
Janitor: Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa, watch your step, there, little lady!
Elliot: Thanks, Janitor!
Elliot's Thoughts: He is so sweet! But why doesn't he just put up a sign that says "wet floor"?
J.D.: Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Janitor: Wet floor.
INTENSIVE CARE WARD
J.D.: Sorry I'm late! I was recording some thoughts and I slipped and fell.
Dr. Cox: Gimme this!
J.D.'s Tape Recorder: Possible nicknames for Dr. Cox when we become best friends: The Coxinator. Cox of Seagulls. [slipping noise] Hooooooog!
Elliot's Thoughts: Here it comes. Another condescending rant about how we suck at our jobs.
Dr. Cox: Since you two have become chief residents, I've noticed that your leadership skills are -- how can I put this delicately? -- eh...crap.
J.D.: Oh, sir, I don't know about that. Some people say I'm (a cookie?)
&
Elliot: That is so not nice!
Dr. Cox: Well, then, why don't you go ahead and get that young resident back there to come up here?
J.D.: Easy. Lonnie?
Lonnie: Not right now!
Dr. Cox whistles.
Lonnie: Yessir?
Dr. Cox: Slap yourself very hard in the face, then leave.
Lonnie does so.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, one of you two is going to speak at grand rounds today.
Elliot's Thoughts: And here comes the part where he throws me to the wolves to protect his little protégé.
Dr. Cox: ...meenie, miney....aha...moe. Barbie, you're up.
Elliot's Thoughts: Perfect.
===
TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT
Turk: Our TV's working. Why are you reading?
J.D.: Oh, I'm researching some leadership techniques for my residents.
Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.
J.D.: "Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear"?
Turk: You know it.
J.D.: Ooh, are we playing pillow feet again?
Turk: I'm not waking Carla tonight.
Cut to...
TURK AND CARLA'S BEDROOM
Turk breaks wind.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: I'm sorry, baby.
So you're definitely up now, huh?
Carla: Yes!
Turk does it again, even louder.
Carla: That's it. From now on, you and I are going to bed at the same time.
Turk: Okay, that's fine.
[whispering] But you know what, baby, since you're up, I was wondering....
Carla: No, Turk! I can't believe that you--
Turk snores loudly.
===
HOSPITAL -- CAFETERIA
Elliot's Thoughts: Oh, my God. How does she eat like that and stay so thin? If I didn't love her so much, I'd totally spread rumors that she's bulimic.
Molly: So how's it going?
Elliot: I'm freaking out about grand rounds today because Dr. Cox hung me out to dry again.
Molly: You'll be fine. Just do what I do: Fake it till you make it.
Elliot: [laughs] Like when a guy is really bad in bed and you pretend that he is awesome so he doesn't go to a special store, buy one of those weird pumps, and then accidentally run into your dad?
Molly: Kind of....
See Dr. Kelso over there? I have to go over and justify my program for our psychotic homeless population? Am I scared to go over to his table of stuffy fat guys, 'cause I know they're just gonna stare and my chest the whole time? Of course! But...I'm just gonna act confident, and they're gonna believe that I'm confident.
Elliot's Thoughts: Wow!
Molly: 'Scuse me. Yeah, those are my boobs.
Have you had time to go over my proposal?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, yes, medical care for crazy homeless people. Sounds like a money-maker.
Molly: You know it's a good idea!
Elliot's Thoughts: As I watched Molly shielding her boobs and working her magic, I realized she wasn't just my friend -- she's the mentor I've always been looking for.
===
INTENSIVE CARE
J.D.: Always make sure the I.V...
Drowned out by...
Turk: Check out my man getting his leadership on!
First he hits 'em with a little preparation.
J.D.: Are there any more questions about evolving treatment therapies?
Turk: Next, inspiration.
J.D.: Now, I just want you to know, you guys all have the potential to be amazing doctors.
Turk: And finally, a dose of fear.
J.D.: M'kay, I'll see you guys.
J.D.: AAAAGGGHHH!!!
Residents: Agh!
J.D.: AAAGGGHHH!
Residents: Agh!
J.D.: AGH!
Residents: Agh!
Turk: Okay, fear might need a little work, but otherwise Smurftastic!
J.D.: That's how I Smurf, baby.
Todd: Mm, Smurfette. Blue boobies.
===
TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT
Announcer: He hits it!
The guys cheer.
Turk: Ohhh! Who wants some of this!
Carla: Turk! It's bedtime.
Turk: Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Carla: [snickering] Turk. That's crazy talk!
Turk: The guys are here and it's the ninth inning!
Todd: Gentlemen, a moment for our fallen comrade.
Whip noises.
===
I.C.U.
Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And...how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot's Thoughts: The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot's Thoughts: Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you--
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.
Elliot's Thoughts: God, that felt great! Huh. Hopefully it won't have ramifications for anyone else.
Meanwhile...
HALL
J.D.: [singing] I'm feeling so good today!
Oof!
J.D.: [singing] I still feel good, 'cause nobody saw me fall!
J.D.: [into recorder] That sound you're hearing is my residents' respect. It feels good.
Dr. Cox: GLORIA! You're supposed to start pre-rounds at 7 o'clock. It's now 7:03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I'm late, but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again!
Dr. Cox: Look! I know the only thing you've ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to be teaching these kids. So how's about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair!
Lonnie: Ha-ha!
The residents titter.
J.D.: [into recorder] k*ll Lonnie.
===
HALL
Elliot's Thoughts: I felt great after telling Dr. Cox off. Why? Because I knew I had someone to support me, someone to look up to, someone pretty amazing.
***FANTASY: MOLLY AS WONDER WOMAN
Todd: Wow! That outfit would look better on my floor.
Wonder Molly: Mistake!
Todd: Ohh! No! Not the Lasso of Truth!
He struggles.
Todd: I once had a threesome -- and not the cool kind!
Wonder Molly: Mmm-hmm.
BACK TO REALITY***
Molly: Hey! Uh, we gotta do the dinner another night.
Elliot: How come?
Molly: Well, Mike got up early this morning and he wanted to read the paper, and I don't get it, so then he went to the neighbors', and they don't get it either, so he broke into their garage and stole their car and wrapped it around a telephone pole.
Elliot: Oh my God, is he okay?
Mike: I've been better.
Molly: Oh, sorry. Mike, Elliot. Elliot, Mike.
Elliot: Ohh, that's great!
Molly: I'll be right in.
Molly: Elliot, I'm sorry--
Elliot: Ah, you don't have to say anything -- I know all about how it is when you think a guy is great and he ends up being a car thief.
Molly: Well, you know, relationships are never perfect, and...and Mike's got a lot of potential. He's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
Elliot's Thoughts: Oh my God, my mentor's a crazy person!
Mike: [from room] Molly!
Molly: Coming, babe!
So, uh, rain-check on the dinner!
Elliot: Yeah! Heh.
Elliot's Thoughts: Watching Molly, I found myself asking the same questions I always do. Did I line up behind the wrong person?
Meanwhile...
TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT
Elliot's Thoughts: Am I too much of a wimp?
A cr*ck of a bat, the guys cheer.
Announcer: Oh my God! What a catch!
Carla snores.
Meanwhile...
I.C.U.
Elliot's Thoughts: Will people around here ever respect me?
J.D.: Guys? Guys. Guys!
Meanwhile...
HALL
Elliot's Thoughts: Unfortunately I had closed the door on the creep who used to occasionally give me answers. I just had to hope that I hadn't closed it for good.
Elliot: Uh, Dr. Cox, do you have a sec?
===
COMMERCIALS
===
MIKE'S ROOM
Molly: It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
Elliot's Thoughts: As I watched Molly gently stroke the hand of a convicted felon, I had to admit his eyes were stunning. Still, I couldn't help but think what the next few years would be like if she was my mentor.
***FANTASY: PATIENT'S ROOM
Molly: The police caught this guy robbing a liquor store. His tox-screen came back positive for methamphetamines and cocaine.
Elliot: Okay, what should I do?
Molly: Oh my God, make out with him immediately! He's such a catch!
Elliot: Hi, I'm Dr. Reid.
BACK TO REALITY***
Elliot: What's up? Heh.
===
HALL
J.D.: Dude, Dr. Cox went ballistic on me in front of all my residents, now I've lost my mojo. Check this out:
J.D.: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Lonnie(?): Hey, J.D.
J.D.: See, there's no fear! Can you help a brother out?
Turk: Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years!
J.D.: You had a bedtime when you were seventeen?
Turk: No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room.
J.D.: Oh. That's way cooler.
Turk: The point is Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain in the ass, and I can't help you.
J.D.'s Tape Recorder: [replaying Turk] Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain the ass, and I can't help you.
Turk: Okay, here's what you do....
Meanwhile...
NURSES' STATION
Elliot's Thoughts: Okay, you can't bend that way anymore, 'cause when you do, that last vertebrae above your butt sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel.
Carla: What are you thinking?
Elliot: Same ol', same ol'.
Carla: Camel-butt?
Elliot: Yeah....
Molly: Hey, Carla, can you warn everyone that Mike gets a little handsy when he's on the pain-K*llers?
Carla: Dr. Vaji already told us.
That's Dr. Akbar Vaji.
Dr. Vaji: It was horrible.
Elliot: Ohh.
Molly: Um, Elliot, do you wanna grab some lunch?
Elliot: Oh, um, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm, uh, busy.
Molly: Okay.
Elliot's Thoughts: I felt bad, but it was time to start pulling away.
===
CAFETERIA
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Hold on.
Say, Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain in the ass?
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: We didn't order any of the pain in the ass.
J.D.: You yelled at me in front of my residents!
Dr. Cox: I didn't yell at ya.
J.D.'s Tape Recorder: [replaying Dr. Cox] So how's about you learn to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair!
Dr. Kelso: I'll let you two talk.
He gets up.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and Perry, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that earlier I wish I'd said, "I must have ordered the pain in the ass, seeing as you're sitting there."
Dr. Cox: Here I was thinking the same thing, Bob. Let's do this again.
Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.
===
NURSES' STATION
Carla: Oh, hey, Turk, would you pour me a cup of decaf, please? We gotta go to bed early tonight.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have some of that decaf, son!
Turk: [sotto] Sir, see, this is regular. Yeah, I gotta give Carla the strong stuff just to keep her awake so I can stay up a little later.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh, drugging your own wife. Been there.
Turk: Mm.
Dr. Kelso: Careful, though. Starts out with coffee, next thing you know, you're rooting around the nightstand for an adrenaline sh*t to counteract a Valium overdose.
Turk: Your coffee, my love.
Carla: Thank you, my husband.
They "Mmmm" a kiss.
While they're distracted, Dr. Kelso switches their mugs.
Dr. Kelso: What a fun day.
Flash to...
TURK AND CARLA'S BEDROOM
Turk lies awake.
===
ADMISSIONS (?)
Dr. Cox: Hey, camel-butt!
Dr. Cox: I heard you and Carla talking earlier.
Elliot's Thoughts: Frick on a stick with a brick! Just leave.
Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to--what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected -- maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people -- I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and -- this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but -- on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.
===
INTENSIVE CARE
J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing.
J.D.: From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am.
And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna k*ll ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.
J.D.: Lonnie, slap the face!
He does.
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
They do.
J.D.: Awesome.
===
TURK AND CARLA'S BEDROOM
Carla: Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It's morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed.
Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay!
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."
Turk: That's what's up.
They giggle and kiss.
Turk: Goodnight.
Carla: Mm-mm.
He giggles, as does she.
Turk: Mmm. We're keepin' the lights on?
Carla: Oh, yeah.
Turk: Oh, yeah! Ohh!
===
HOSPITAL -- FIRST FLOOR HALL
Elliot: Hey, Molly? I was just wondering if I could get your advice on something. You know, if you're not too busy with Mike.
Molly: Oh, actually we decided to take a little break.
Elliot: How long?
Molly: Two-to-five years.
Elliot: Ah! Heh!
Molly: I freaked you out a little bit with him, didn't I?
Elliot: Hm. I try not to judge.
Molly: I know I should know better, I'm a shrink. But show me a guy who wants to get married and has a good job, and it's like snoozeville for me. But if you know a thirty-five-year-old who still lives at home with his mom and he still thinks his band can make it, tell me where to meet him so I can buy him dinner!
Elliot laughs.
Elliot's Thoughts: Listening to Molly made me realize a person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.
Elliot: Yeah, I've dated some pretty immature guys, too.
Continue to...
HOSPITAL ENTRANCE
J.D.: Hello, tiny ladies! I don't believe we've met! I'm the world's most giant doctor! Nice to--
J.D.'s Narration: As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off, and thought about how Lonnie was a much less stable giant doctor base than Turk, I realized how important it is to have someone close to you that you can count on.
J.D.: Whoooagh! Ow! Lonnie! Damn you!
J.D.'s Narration: Especially if that someone is a resident that can keep Dr. Cox from k*lling you.
J.D.: Not in front of my boys! This is Lonnie! He's one of my boys!
Slap.
J.D.: Not sure what that means. See you later.
Cut to...
TURK AND CARLA'S BEDROOM
Turk snores.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you have to keep people closer than you'd like.
Carla: That was too easy. [chuckles] No way I'm doing that seven nights a week.
Cut to...
STREET
J.D. stops his scooter.
J.D.'s Narration: In my case, it was best just to keep my distance.
Dr. Cox: Can I have a word with you?
Dr. Cox: Go.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder if we're going to a happy place?
====