08x12 - Tiny Dancer and an Impromptu Picnic

[bunniefuu]

(vocalizing)

(Southern accent): Oh, my!

(chuckles)

A handsome interloper has happened upon my impromptu picnic.

Allow me to cool my décolletage with an icy glass of sweet tea.

You need to come with me.

(regular voice): Are you not seeing what's happening here?

(Southern accent): You're a traveling salesman, and my daddy has gone to town for seeds.

We had a swarm of locusts.

Hey.

You really need to come with me.

But...

But, well, now I'm stuck with all this sweet tea and whipped cream and this accent.

(regular voice): Deserted highway, jittery husband.

If I knew you were gonna k*ll me,

- I would've worn sweats.

- (sighs)

Okay.

Look at the billboard.

"Mr. Naughty's." A strip club?

Naked picnic Monday isn't good enough for you anymore?

Look again.

What?

It's some poor stripper looking confused and...

Oh, my God, that's my daughter!

It's Christy!

Yeah, we know it's Christy.

I knew her eyes were big, but now they're, like, six feet tall.

And I think they're following me.

She hung up her tassels ages ago.

Has that thing been up there for years?

Judging by all the bird poop, yes.

Why couldn't they have pooped on her face?

Poop on her face!

At least it'll be dark soon and people won't be able to see it.

(lights click and buzz)

Poop on the lights!

So, a giant, half-naked Christy has been up there for decades, and we had no idea.

You know, I always pictured a boyish figure under all those hoodies, and, to be honest, I preferred it that way.

- Do you think she knows?

- Of course not.

I posted a picture of her on her birthday.

She made me take it down 'cause she didn't like how her ears looked.

Upside, you don't notice her ears on the billboard.

I mean, we've all heard about her stripper days, but somehow, seeing her feet wide makes it very real.

Yeah.

I mean, I know Marjorie lived in a cardboard box, but if I saw it on a billboard, that would be a bummer.

What would that billboard be for?

Dave's Cardboard Box Emporium?

Well, living in a box was one of the least embarrassing things I did.

Thank God social media didn't exist when I was drinking.

Oh, I'm not so lucky.

If you Google "drunk socialite moons Wimbledon," hello.

I'd be mortified if you guys ever saw my episode of Cops.

I get arrested, make bail, then get arrested again.

Never jaywalk with a goat if you're trying to lay low.

Well, my daughter has come too far for her hoo-ha to be a roadside attraction.

Christy's gonna lose it when she finds out.

No, she won't, 'cause none of us are telling her.

I'm gonna handle it.

- Okay, just...

- I'm gonna handle it.

This is the best burger I've ever had.

Just mayo and cheese.

I'm in heaven!

But mostly I feel bad about Christy.

Operator.

Customer service.

Live person!

- What's going on?

- I'm trying to get through to the strip club, But they have this whole long menu about VIP rooms, strip clubs, lost wedding rings.

What number do I push to save my daughter's dignity?!

Did you try eight?

Oh, there's Rod.

Don't look.

Don't look.

- Did you all just see that?

- No, 'cause you told us not to look.

(sighs)

He completely ignored me.

This is why I say dating people from the rooms can get messy.

Marjorie, we're alcoholics.

When you say "messy," we hear, "Sounds like fun.

Where do I sign up?" God, why did I hook up with him?

He's so not my type.

He's arrogant and vain and self-centered, and why hasn't he called me?

Why don't you call him?

Ugh, I don't want anything to do with him.

It's just awkward.

I mean, we've seen each other naked.

Well, I was naked.

He kept his boots on.

You know, for traction.

So, Rod took his boots off, then took his pants off, then put his boots back on?

No.

Boots stayed on the whole time.

It was like some weird, sexy magic trick.

All right, ladies, let's take our seats.

- Did he look?

- Nope.

Damn it, what a child!

So, how you doing?

You still freaked out about that billboard?

Let me tell you something.

When I first saw it, I was just a guy driving down a road, happy to see some advertising that didn't involve personal injury attorneys or eczema.

I started at the feet.

All systems go.

Worked my way up the legs.

Life is good.

Torso did not disappoint.

And wham!

It's my stepdaughter.

I mean, I nearly drove off the road.

So, this strip club...

Where exactly is it located?

I haven't had glitter on the old trousers in a while.

Come on, man.

We're in a bar.

Isn't this where men can speak from our hearts?

That's not where you're speaking from.

I am awash in shame.

I'm sorry.

It's just this whole thing made me realize that every woman I've ever checked out is somebody's daughter.

Yeah, but if we all thought that way, no one would ever have sex again.

The human species would go extinct.

You know, men objectifying women is what's keeping civilization alive.

We're heroes.

- We're pigs!

- No, we're not.

We open the doors, we k*ll the spiders,

- we buy the jewelry.

- We have to be better.

Do we?

Yes!

That's a person up there on that billboard.

With real feelings and a heart... and a soul and a way of eating lasagna from the middle that's very endearing.

Well, now you're making me feel bad about myself.

Well, you should.

Truth be told, I have been dragging a little sexual toilet paper around on my shoe lately.

- Let me guess.

Jill?

- Oh, you heard.

Bonnie told me.

When you're married, other people's adventures are a big deal.

Yeah.

I've been avoiding her since we had sex, and...

perhaps that doesn't feel good to her?

I don't think women appreciate that the way we do.

You know what?

I'm gonna give her a ring and invite her down here, and we can sort it out like two adults.

Good for you.

You know, I-I've told myself over and over again not to fool around with women from meetings, but then I get this incredibly compelling counterargument from my penis.

They are convincing.

(electronic music playing in distance)

Whoops!

Sorry.

Oh!

Carry on.

God, Tuesday afternoon.

What is wrong with men?

HANK: It's open.

Oh.

Hello.

- Are you the manager?

- Yep.

You're too old to work here.

What?

Hey, I could totally work here.

All right.

Show me what you got.

Wait, no.

That's not why I came.

Let me guess.

(sniffs)

Your husband is in there, and you need me to go remind him how great his life is back home.

No, my husband knows how great his life is.

Great.

'Cause lately, I've been struggling to come off as sincere.

- May I?

- Take your chances.

Many years ago, there was a...

there was a girl... a lost girl.

But it wasn't the girl's fault.

Her-her mother never gave her the road map she needed

- to succeed in life.

- Mm.

Actually, no one ever gave her mother the road map, either.

- It's a vicious cycle.

- Yeah, I'm familiar with it.

Anyway, uh, this girl spent some of her formative years in this very establishment.

Yeah, see, formative years.

Now, that's what I hire.

Uh-huh.

But how many of those end up at Georgetown Law school?

They don't tend to keep in touch after they leave.

Well, my daughter made that journey, and yet she's still up on your billboard on Route .

You're Christy's mom?

- You remember her?

- Well, yeah!

(chuckles)

Well, I used to be the DJ back then. Hey, I'm the one who told her she should work to "Tiny Dancer." Right?

You get it?

'Cause she-she's very small.

Well, you-you both made something of yourselves.

Yeah, I never dreamed I'd have my own office.

So Christy's still alive, huh?

Wow.

That's great.

You know, I knew her heart wasn't in the pole.

It's not for everyone.

Well, I'm glad you understand because it leads me to why I'm here.

I feel that billboard might have a negative impact on her legal career.

I mean, she may be on the Supreme Court one day, but not with that thing up there.

Mm, I'm sorry.

That billboard's money.

But it's more than years old.

You know, people like the vintage.

Reminds them of a simpler time.

?

(chuckles): Wow.

This crazy blue marble, huh?

Just keeps spinning, don't it?

Look, my daughter worked so hard to get where she is.

She shouldn't have to drag her past behind her for eternity.

That's... that's not right.

Neither is smoking indoors, but here we are.

That billboard needs to come down, and I am not leaving until you change your mind.

(sighs)

Tony, Bruno, I'd like you to consider what your mothers think of you right now!

The manager wasn't a terrible guy.

He did give me two coupons to the buffet.

Ooh, I love a good strip club buffet.

Yeah.

I only got a quick look as I was rudely shown the door, but there were silver dollar pancakes and what looked to be an ambrosia salad.

Maybe when we're done vandalizing, we can drop by.

No?

Okay.

Now, this little baby takes no prisoners.

Two strokes, and it's bye-bye, Christy's questionable choices.

What's going on?

Could ask you the same thing.

What are you doing with that poor creature?

Oh, the vet says he's pre-diabetic, so twice a day, we got to walk the hill.

So, it looks like you two have a project.

The strip club wouldn't take down Christy's billboard, so I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Aha.

So you're planning to deface it?

De-face.

De-body.

De-whole thing.

Hold on.

Let's make sure we look before we leap.

Great.

Now we're gonna get wisdom from a woman who's walking her cat.

I think what we need here is a meeting, because your alcoholic brain is running a little wild right now, and Tammy's getting caught up in the riptide.

I am impressionable.

Maybe I could do a ladies only night.

That way, they won't even have to deal with men.

You know, make the bar kind of a safe haven.

You mean like a lesbian bar?

News flash... not necessarily a safe haven.

All right, let's try a Sparkly Pony.

Ooh, it has pineapple in it.

I'm mildly allergic.

Finally, a little danger!

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

Jill's here.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Hello.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Mm, no problem.

I was in the neighborhood, and...

(clears throat) already dressed like this.

What can I get for you, Jill?

I'm about to ride a Sparkly Pony.

Oh, I'll have one of those, extra sparkle.

Jill, if you had to judge my bar as a whole, would you say that it respects women?

- What?

- Never mind.

(stammers)

So, you're the one that called me, 'cause I certainly had no intentions of ever calling you.

I even deleted your contact, so when you called, it was just a number.

I didn't know who it was, so I picked up, and it was you.

Right.

Yes.

Uh, can I get you a drink?

We just did that.

Great.

Phase one complete, only minor injuries.

(laughs)

I asked you here because I wanted to... own up to my recent... aloofness.

Oh, I didn't even notice.

I mean, you're not even in my phone, but I'm still in yours, so who's aloof now?

- Anyway, even if you didn't notice...

- I didn't.

Well, I did, and I didn't treat you with the respect that you deserve.

And I'm sorry.

Mm.

Thank you.

Look, we're two adults who had consensual sex in a vacant apartment.

(chuckles)

God, that was hard to say out loud.

(clears throat)

Just so you know, that's not the kind of behavior I usually indulge in.

Well, it's exactly the kind of behavior I usually indulge in.

And then I leave town.

Only, uh, nowhere to go and no money to get there.

I didn't think this one through.

Yeah, I didn't, either.

Can-can we just reset and try being clothes-on, wave-to-each-other- across-the-room friends?

I can do that.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

What's your last name?

Hi.

Bonnie, alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

This is my first time at the : meeting.

Not to quibble, but what's the deal?

Can't commit to : ?

Can't commit to : ?

I mean, when do you have dinner?

When do you finish work?

Came in handy for us today, though, so thumbs up.

I've been known to do a lot of crazy things 'cause, you know, alcoholic.

And where this brain goes, the body follows.

Sometimes the body goes and the brain just stays behind.

(chuckles)

Right now, I'm dealing with a thing where, um, I'm worried my kid is gonna be embarrassed or... hurt or exploited or exposed to the kind of people who use secondary highways.

She means that literally.

It's not a metaphor.

I keep questioning if my reaction is alcoholic.

Actually, other people keep questioning it, but, yeah, screw that.

Sometimes it's not about being an alcoholic.

Sometimes it's just about being a mom.

A mom who wants to protect her kid.

You know what?

The more I talk about it, the more I...

I can't be here.

Should we follow her?

No worries.

She's not going anywhere.

I got my keys right...

Son of a bitch!

(both panting)

How far away is your place?

Ten minutes, but my housekeeper's there.

- How about you?

- Seven minutes, but my mum's there.

- Hit recline.

- Yeah.

(seats whirring)

(exhales)

This is going very slowly, but it's only making it hotter.

(phone chiming)

Oh.

Seriously?

Oh, hey, Marjorie.

Oh.

Okay.

I'll be right there.

You have to go.

Just gonna need a moment before I can zip up again.

This is fun.

You guys have never been in my car.

I bought it off a volunteer fireman, so it has a siren.

Well, we appreciate the ride.

Even though I can't feel my feet.

I offered you shotgun.

But I couldn't because you're super old, and I'm inherently kind.

(siren blaring)

I just had to show you.

Come on, Bonnie!

You're gonna get hurt!

I don't care!

This is my daughter!

Damn it, Wendy.

Was that you behind me with the siren?

Bonnie, get down from there!

- I'm pretty sure you're trespassing.

- What?

She said you're trespassing!

Come on.

Use your outside voice.

You're gonna end up in jail!

Are you really telling me that if your son was up there in a thong and high heels, you wouldn't do everything in your power to fix it?

She has a point.

You are the mama of all bears when it comes to your son.

Well, as your sponsor, I think there's another way to handle this.

As a mother, I'm coming up!

This is actually fun.

Hey, maybe I should paint one of my houses.

- Is that a hickey on your neck?

- What?

Shh!

Ladies, thank you for dropping whatever or whoever you were doing to come here and help me.

Tammy, did you give her a tail?

I'm gonna paint over it.

Remember, don't look down.

Why?

What's wrong with it?

(screaming)

(ringtone playing)

Sorry, Christy.

Cannot FaceTime with you now.

(grunts)

All right, Boz.

We have been through this.

You got to exercise.

You heard what the doctor said.

He was very clear.

Okay.

Do you want to be on the low-calorie dry food when everyone else gets the good stuff?

I'm not giving in.

I googled the side effects of feline diabetes, and they're very upsetting.

Yeah, just a heads-up.

Looks like we're gonna be late to the meeting again.