07x09 - You Can't Always Get What You Want

[bunniefuu]

Man, I can't believe Thanksgiving's tomorrow.

It's that special time of year, I like to give thanks, get Fez drunk and dress him up like a lady pilgrim.

Well, the joke's on you because this year, I'm getting into the dress before I get drunk.

Ah, touche.

Well, so long as it happens.

I had Thanksgiving dinner last night with Brooke and the baby so I could be here tonight for Fez and the dress.

Hey, guys, I got something really different planned for Thanksgiving.

But instead of telling you about it, I'm gonna let it wash over you.

But, Eric, maybe you can let some soap and water wash over you.

'Cause since you've been out of work, you're a little bummy. j& Welcome to the grand illusion j& Come on in and see what's happening j& Pay the price j& Get your tickets for the show j&

Is that Styx?

And they just announced a concert Thanksgiving night.

Now, if we camp out for tickets, by tomorrow we could be watching five guys in spandex suits shaking their hair sweat on teenage girls.

Forman, even if I liked Styx, which would mean I was born without ears, I still can't go.

My dad wants me and Angie to open the record store by midnight tomorrow.

Oh, man, Angie is so pretty.

You know, looking at Angie is like looking at

something else pretty.

Well said.

Donna, you in for Styx?

Eric, I'm a deejay. I can't be seen at a Styx concert.

It's in my contract.

Well, Fez, what do you say, my man from another land?

Eric, where I come from, we have a saying.

Yuck, Styx.

Remember, kids, music is joy, comfort, a Band-Aid for a wounded soul.

And if you get people to believe that crap, you're gonna sell a lot of records.

Here are the keys to the store. Thank you.

I just figure whoever hasn't been in prison should hold the keys.

I thought you'd do that, so I made an extra set for you.

Everybody gets keys. Thank you.

Yeah, you don't know me very well, but you're gonna have to make three of everything.

I'm starting to get you a little bit. You're funny.

All right, well, as co-manager of this record store, my first order is a pizza.

Are you crazy?

We have to start unloading records.

Hey, look, I don't know about these other jokers, but I am here to help.

So if you need to get anything off of one of these high shelves, I'll be happy to watch you reach for it.

All right, guys, we got a ton of boxes to unpack, posters to hang.

So let's hit it.

I love hitting it.

I love that you taught me to love hitting it.

You know, this is the first time we've ever hit it at...

Hey, this place doesn't have a name yet.

You should call it Hot Wax Records but with a "Z." Recordz.

Z's are so rock 'n' roll.

Funk Man's House of Funk.

Funk Man's Funky House of Funk.

Funky Man's Funky House of Hitting It.

You guys writing this down or what?

Steven, that's too complicated.

You need something that sounds hot and upscale.

You should call it Jackie.

If you wanted hot and upscale, you should call it Dijon Mustard.

What about, like, Head Food?

Headsies, The Head.

That's kind of cool. The Head.

The Head. The Head.

The Head.

I smell something burning.

That'd be us.

Oh, man, we just came up with the best name for the record store.

It's, um...

The Funky Mustard House.

I thought we settled on Jackie.

I just had it and then it popped out of my head.

That's it. Poppers.

This is a chain. All the stores are called Grooves.

Oh, that's why we have that sign.

All right, well, let's call it a day and hit it hard again tomorrow.

Good work, everyone.

Oh, wait, I just remembered the name. Lumpy's.

No, it wasn't called Lumpy's.

Well, my store is gonna be called Lumpy's.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

First one here.

Hey, you guys getting in line for Styx tickets, too?

Yeah, right.

If we weren't late for this party, we'd kick your ass.

Styx rules.

What was that, dork? I said enjoy your party.

Oh, my God!

Did I miss it? Are there any tickets left?

Black Sabbath's been sold out for weeks.

No. Styx.

I prefer a more lush, orchestral sound.

Yeah, well, you're the only one.

Just give me the damn ticket.

Man, Hyde, this listening pit is an awesome idea.

Yeah. You made a place for people to hang out, listen to music, and feel up Angie and stuff.

That's not what this pit is for, man.

It's for listening to records and feeling up Jackie and stuff.

Steven's so innovative.

You know, he designed this whole thing from scratch.

Um...

This is exactly Eric's basement.

Oh, you're just jealous because Steven's successful and Eric's all bummy.

What is all this?

What happened to the Soft Rock section?

I put it in the alley.

See, that way, if somebody comes in asking for Barry Manilow, I can send him outside and lock the door.

Steven, this store is very important to me.

When I was eight years old, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "A record store."

You know what I got? A pony.

What eight-year-old girl wants a damn pony?

You know, one year I asked for a damn pony and got a car.

I just want this store to be great.

Yeah, well, I think this pit makes the store great.

Really? Did you go to business school?

Well, he did a lot of business at school.

Fine, I'll get rid of the pit, but I want that entire wall covered in Zeppelin.

We can't.

You know that research paper that I gave you that you probably smoked?

Well, it says that Zeppelin scares people over 30.

Good, because people over 30 don't listen to music.

They move to Florida to play golf.

Man, Angie is so awesome and classy.

She's like the first page of a Playboy layout.

You know, before you see her cans.

Did you know that all that stuff about those girls is made up?

Yeah, they're not really librarians or horse trainers or scientists.

They're just whores.

I wish someone would rub my shoulders like this.

Hey.

Whatcha cooking, good-looking?

Guess who got a ticket to see Styx in concert tonight?

Tonight? Honey, it's Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Mom, this ticket was really hard to get.

Was it harder to get than the holiday traditions this family has built through decades of love and sacrifice?

Much harder. Thanks for understanding.

There's my beautiful bride. I'll be in the garage.

Red.

None of the kids are coming for dinner tonight.

Laurie's in Canada, Steven has his store, and now Eric is going to a concert.

There's no point in me even making my special yams.

What?

Kitty, I love those yams.

They're among the top three reasons I married you.

Well, I can't make them if I'm sad.

Look, I'll tell you what, you get started on the yams and I'll go talk to Eric.

Thanks.

Gosh, my shoulders are sore from all this cooking.

Think you could rub them a little?

Kitty, it's Thanksgiving, not Christmas.

Styx, Kelso?

All right, fine. I like Styx, okay?

And I don't care if anybody knows it.

That's not true. Don't tell anyone.

Why aren't you putting the records in the bins?

What bins? The ones I ordered.

Oh, my God. I never ordered the bins.

Hmm!

That would never happen at Jackie.

What are we gonna do?

There's no bins.

No bins!

Hey, look, man, I'll take care of it, all right?

But it's gonna cost you.

Listening pit comes back, Zeppelin goes up on that wall, and I want you to remove the smoke detectors from the back office.

Whatever you want.

Oh, and also, my creepy friend gets to hold your hand for two minutes.

That would be me.

Wait, all right, back off.

I want to be the first one of us who gets to touch her.

You, too, with the Styx?

That's a present for my friend, Fez. Damn it.

Out of my way, Dad. Time for me to rock.

You're not going to the concert.

What? Why not?

Look, every family has its holiday traditions.

Some sing, others play charades.

In our family, someone always cries.

But I'll be damned if it's gonna be your mother crying tonight.

I can't see her like that.

I love her.

She threatened not to make the yams.

Just get the hell back in the house.

Okay, here's the situation.

It's Thanksgiving night. Everything's closed.

We need to find 100 record bins by midnight.

It's the same damn thing, every year.

Wait, I have a question.

How does hair know to grow?

And how far inside your head does it go?

Does it touch your brain?

Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.

Let the girl rap, I was into it.

I like to think about my head.

The Head, that's the name. I saved the day.

You know what would be perfect for the records?

Those boxes that milk bottles come in.

They're like crates or crepes.

Crepes. How good are crepes?

That'll work, man. We need, like, 50 empty milk crates.

Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk?

Wait. We need 50 boxes of cookies.

No, wastoid. We'll steal the crates.

It's perfect.

Milk crates.

Milk crates.

Milk crates.

Milky Craties.

Okay. My Valium's starting to wear off.

What's happening with those boxes?

Man, we just thought of the perfect solution.

We're gonna go get some of those...

The Head. Crepes.

Poppers.

Whatever. We'll be back.

Why is it every time I leave the room, you guys do this?

It's Thanksgiving.

Some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.

Thank you for opening up your home to me on this special day.

This family is all about love.

Yep, spirit-crushing tyrannical love.

Drop that tone of voice, you'll be wearing that turkey like a football helmet.

Okay, now, everybody take a feather from the paper turkey and write down something you're thankful for, and then we'll all pick feathers and guess who wrote them.

Any questions?

This is kind of off-topic, but where can I put my belt?

I'll go first.

"I'm thankful for my mother/wife. My life is meaningless without her."

Whoopsie, I got mine.

It would've sounded better if someone else had read it.

"I'm thankful you have pecan pie. You do have pecan pie, right?

"Because I turned down an invitation that involved pecan pie."

Hmm, Bob?

"I'm thankful I didn't waste my day at a really fun concert.

"This way I can work on becoming a bitter, old man

"whose only happiness is destroying his son's life."

Kitty, hand me the turkey.

I think I got Red's.

'Cause the only words I can repeat are "Eric, little" and a word that starts with "mother."

"Mother"? That's nice.

It takes a pretty hard left turn.

Thanksgiving is ruined.

Don't look at me. Dad's the one who cursed on a turkey.

Kitty. Bob, touch my yams and die.

Look at all the stuff I gotta eat.

Okay, look, I'll distract him. Jackie, give me your lipstick.

Okay, but you picked a really weird time to get into makeup, Donna.

I love it when you whore yourself for the good of the group.

Hey, you.

That's, um... That's a sexy milk truck you got there.

Really? Nah.

Oh, yeah, that big cow on the side is really sexy.

I haven't talked to a woman in four months.

Oh, come here, big guy.

She's hugging him.

Okay, come on. Let's grab everything. Hurry up.

Or slow down. I'd like to see where this goes.

How could you think it would be okay to miss Thanksgiving?

You might as well just rip my heart out and drown it in my delicious giblet gravy.

It's not just Thanksgiving.

You used to have goals and ambition.

But now, one week you're chasing butterflies,

the next week you're skating around the neighborhood dressed like Liberace.

Did it ever occur to you guys that I don't know what I'm doing?

Okay? I'm scared.

Of what, honey?

We got rid of the spooky lamp in your room.

Look, my whole life, I've been trying to please other people.

So I feel like I don't know who I am or know what I want to do with my life.

You need a government job, like a mailman.

Something simple and repetitive.

No, no, no. You know he doesn't do well in snow.

What about this?

Margie's son is a chiropractor, and she seems very happy.

I just...

I don't wanna wake up in five years and hate my life.

That's unavoidable.

Okay, I just need more time to think.

You know what I got for my 18th birthday?

A draft notice and a malaria vaccine.

I never had time to think.

Yeah, but, Dad, don't you think it would've been helpful if you did?

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you six months.

But if you haven't picked something by then, you'll do that chiropractic thing that your mother suggested.

Dad, I... I don't even know what that is.

Oh, honey, it's perfect for you.

It's like a doctor but you don't have to be as smart.

I can't believe I had to kiss that milkman.

Donna, you've done worse for less.

Shut up.

Was it milky? Shut up.

So, what do you think?

I think I see a lot of records in milk crates.

Where are the bins like the other stores have?

Dad, I forgot to tell you... Forgot to tell me what?

Uh, what she forgot to tell you was that it was my idea.

See, I thought it'd look cool, you know, like we stole them or something.

Well, I don't much like it, but we'll give it a sh*t.

Why is Jackie behind the cash register?

Hey, funny girl, get your hands off my money.

That was really nice of you. I know, and now you owe me.

I want black lights, bigger speakers and a little thing called the five-day weekend.

Hey, was Hyde being mean to you?

You know, I can't b*at him up for you. But I can get Donna to.

No, he was great.

It's just, I've been waiting for this day my whole life and now I don't know.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Well, I think that you need to take some time for you, and may I suggest an evening out with Michael Kelso.

Dinner, drinks and a ride home not included.

I never did have a Thanksgiving dinner.

I can buy you a taco.

Oh, and then we can celebrate, like the original Thanksgiving, with the pilgrims and the Mexicans.

j& Welcome to the grand illusion j& Come on in and see what's happening j&

Check it out. Jackie's rocking out to Styx.

So? Fez was mouthing the words.

Uh... I thought it was okay now because Hyde was tapping his foot.

Whoa, whoa. I was just squashing a bug.

How about you, Donna? You've been kind of quiet. Are you okay?

I kissed the milkman.

Happy Thanksgiving, Forman.