07x14 - Street Fighting Man

[bunniefuu]

You guys, guess what all of us are doing on Sunday afternoon?

Uh...

I hope it's not going antiquing again.

I told you, Donna, that's just for girls.

Loved it. Definitely in.

No, during my radio show, we did a promotion where the tenth caller gets six tickets to the Packers game.

And since I turned off all the outside phone lines after caller number nine, I was caller number ten! We're going to the Packers game!

Oh!

Awesome! We got six tickets and there's six of us!

No, wait. One, two, three... Wait.

Fez, stop moving around. You're confusing me.

Wait, wait, wait. So we're all gonna go to the game together?

Oh, what? You won't go now 'cause you and Hyde are broken up?

Well, I guess you'd rather stay here and make sweet, short love to me.

No, no, no, I'm fine with going because I'm the one who did the breaking up.

Steven is the one who's all devastated.

So why don't you go make sweet, short love to him?

Um, I think something got messed up here.

Well, I'm going because I'm fine.

Well, good, 'cause I'm fine, too. In fact, I'm superfine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm the one who's superfine here.

All right. I got the T-shirt that says so.

Well, you also have a T-shirt that says, "I'm with stupid," and the arrow is pointing straight up.

Yeah, I hate that T-shirt. It doesn't even make any sense.

Who's above me?

Okay, I hate to say it, you guys, but I think one of these tickets has to go to my dad.

So that means one of us has to sit this out. Let me see.

Eenie, meenie, miney, Kelso.

What? How could you choose your dad over me?

Look, my dad is a huge Packers fan, and he's never even been to a game.

Forman, it's not a problem. We can all go.

Me, Kelso and Fez will do the old ticket stub switch.

That sounds dirty.

Well, it's not.

I'll do it anyway.

What exactly sounds dirty about "ticket stub switch"?

Oh, come on.

"Stub, switch."

What are you, frigid?

Hey, Dad, say, could you give me a ride this Sunday afternoon at, I don't know, 1:00?

Eric, this is football season.

I know this doesn't mean much to you since there are no flying men with capes involved,

but I can't drive you anywhere on Sunday until the spring.

And then your mother can do it.

Well, what if it was a ride to legendary Lambeau Field, where the Packers are playing the Bears, and where you will be sitting next to me on the 50-yard line?

Eric.

What do you say, Dad? This'll be great, huh?

Honey, are you crying?

No.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

See this young man here? That's my boy.

And he invited me to come and see this game.

I did that.

That was me.

Man, I can't go in there. I got all that stuff.

Okay, listen, here's the plan.

We've got two tickets and there's three of us.

So I'm gonna go inside with one of you guys.

The guy who comes inside with me, takes two stubs, comes back outside, brings inside the guy who's waiting outside. You got it?

Why can't you wait outside?

Yeah, why can't you?

Because I have a ticket.

Oh, that makes sense. Okay, yeah.

Okay, now, to see who's coming in with me, instead of drawing straws, we'll draw tickets, okay?

So, Kelso, you go first.

All right, I got one.

Damn!

Well, at least it was fair.

Jackie, are you sure you're okay being here with Hyde?

Because I don't want you to be sad the whole night.

I have a feeling I'm gonna miss a lot of this game if you're sad.

Donna, please, okay? I'm past the sad stage in the breakup.

Now I just want to make someone pay.

Like when your uncle d*ed and you were sad, so you hurt people by f*ring your maid?

Okay, Donna, breaking up with Steven was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I gave him my heart and he stomped on it.

I can't pretend everything's okay.

Oh, and we didn't fire Martina.

We called immigration and had them take care of it.

Thanks again for inviting me over for the game, Kitty.

Well, it'll be fun.

Red never lets me watch the game because one time, seven years ago, the Packers won at the last minute while I was in the kitchen.

Now I have to sit in the kitchen every freaking Sunday.

Okay, Kitty, I need the Packers to win by more than seven.

I got a Hunsky riding on it.

We call them Hungarians now, Bob.

No, I bet $100.

Hey, you want in for $10? Yes, please.

Oh, I feel like a gangster's wife.

Ooh, how about I get you some pretzels?

I don't want to be any trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

No, you didn't let me finish.

I don't want to be any trouble, but I'm gonna need something hot.

Maybe something with refried beans and a little cheese drizzled on it.

Go!

Man, you put a little schnapps in the hot chocolate.

Eh, more like, I put a little hot chocolate in the schnapps.

You kids talking about booze? Well, schnapp it over here.

Eric, I think your dad's been body-snatched by a nice guy.

I know. When the Packers got a first down, he actually hugged me.

It was like... It was like, warm, like I imagined it might be.

Hey, Kelso, go bring in Fez now. You know the plan, right?

Take my stub and your stub, and bring him in.

I got it, Hyde. Jeez, I'm not two, you know.

Uh, what do I do if I get lost?

Dude, you're a cop.

Yeah, what good is sh**ting somebody if I'm lost?

You know, Hyde, you're no help.

This is what it's all about, huh?

Spending time out here, us men.

Eric, you should be wearing a jersey. Here, go buy yourself one.

Whoa. Dad, thank you.

Eric, please, only on first downs.

Wow, you actually got food for everybody?

How unnaturally thoughtful of you.

Oh, don't worry. I have an ulterior motive.

See, I got Steven caramel corn, but Steven doesn't like caramel corn.

And he knows I know he doesn't like caramel corn, but I'm gonna give it to him anyway.

Wicked. Yeah.

Okay, boys, I got you all your favorite snacks.

Red, I got you a hot dog.

Donna, I got you three hot dogs.

And, Steven, I got you caramel corn.

I don't like caramel corn. Oh, my.

Well, if I was still your girlfriend and not just someone you couldn't see a future with, I might care.

But I'm not, so I don't. Buh-burn!

Hey, Red, want to trade that hot dog for the caramel corn?

Yeah, sure. I don't care.

Damn. I forgot about tradesies.

Now, I could have sworn there was some refried beans right here behind my emergency bourbon.

Kitty, the game's on.

I'll dip the chips in Crisco, whatever you got.

Oh, jeez. I got you.

I wasn't falling, Bob.

Oh.

Well, then this is awkward.

You can let go now, Bob.

Where's Kelso? Outside, of course.

Why?

Um, we don't have enough tickets.

How can you not get this?

Moron, how many ticket stubs do you have on you?

I have two, mine and yours, which, and try to keep up, is why he's outside and we're inside.

Okay, good.

Now go take both ticket stubs and bring Kelso in.

But then how would you get into the game?

I'm already in the game! Now go!

Okay, okay. But you catch more flies with honey.

Jackie wants to know if you could take a picture of her having the best day of her life.

Is she insane?

Of course. What are you, new here?

Okay, Steven, now that I'm single, I am very, very attractive to other men.

And I don't want to make you miserable or anything, but I think I'm gonna start dating one of those big, stinky football fans.

I'm single. No, not you, cheesehead.

I mean, whoo, cheesehead!

Forget it. Ugh!

Why isn't this working? What is wrong with me?

I don't know.

You don't have that normal Jackie thing that you usually have.

You know, most of the time when you put your mind to it, you can really hurt someone.

Okay, do you remember Ashley Caldwell when she was talking about you behind your back?

And then you told all the other cheerleaders the reason that she couldn't do a split is because she had a wiener?

Well, yeah, but, Donna, that was easy. I really wanted to hurt her.

And you don't really want to hurt Hyde?

Because you still love him?

Hey, some jerk's wearing a Bears jersey.

Let's all get together and kick his ass. Yeah!

Man, all these guys are pissed off at something, huh, Dad?

"Dad"? Who is this guy?

Bears, boo! Boo!

Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?

Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong.

Let me tell you in a way how you can understand.

The Packers are like the Jedi,

and you're wearing a "Go Darth Vader" jersey.

Donna, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football.

They play Manuku.

Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply T-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.

For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?

No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay?

I am the underdog in real life.

I like Charlie Brown. I like The Little Engine That Could.

I like the Bears.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, I'm back.

Um, where's Fez?

Oh, I left him outside like we always do.

But I like how you made him come in and out just to make him think we weren't screwing with him.

Burn!

Kelso, we're not trying to burn Fez.

We're just trying to all watch the game together.

Okay, this is Kelso you're talking to here.

All right, who's getting b*rned? Is it me?

Because if it is, I'll just let it happen.

No. No one's getting b*rned. Now go out and get Fez.

All right, fine.

I'll go get Fez, and you can just surprise me.

Okay, Steven, certain people have implied that I might still have feelings for you.

But I want you to know that I don't.

In fact, now that I'm single, I realize how big of a loser you are, and I'm lucky to be rid of you.

So I'm gonna go and celebrate with a giant gold-and-green cotton candy.

Man, what the hell is her problem?

She's ruining the football game.

I'm gonna go tell her where she can stick that cotton candy.

This is a very angry section we're in.

Very angry.

Oh, it's not that bad. I mean, I've been wearing this jersey 10 minutes and nothing that bad has happened.

Although, I did just sit in nachos.

Good one, Red.

All right, Kitty, I think we need to talk about what happened in the kitchen.

Yeah, what the heck were you doing, Bob?

I haven't been goosed like that since we won the w*r.

I thought you were falling.

I wasn't falling. Why would you think I was falling?

You said "Oh, jeez," and that's what I say when I'm gonna fall. Oh, jeez.

I just said that because I couldn't find your damn refried beans.

And both hands, Bob? I needed leverage.

Well, all I know is we have to keep this a secret.

If Red finds out, he'll cut your hands off.

Fine. We won't say another word about it.

Although, about it, may I say, bravo.

Jane Fonda.

Hey, what happened with Jackie?

Huh?

Oh, nothing. I didn't find her.

You might want to go look for her, though, by the snack bar, behind the pillar, concourse A.

Is that close to the ice cream guy?

I think so.

All right, I'll go.

Hyde, we need help.

This whole ticket thing is like calculus to us.

Okay, Kelso is outside with two ticket stubs.

What?

How did you get in?

Oh, there's a hole in the fence.

Come on.

Well, the Bears have pretty much lost the game, so why don't you get lost?

Look, I think you've made your point.

Yes, he's wearing a Bears jersey, but he's my son.

Son or daughter?

All right, that's enough.

No, you know what? You can say anything you want about me, okay?

It's not gonna bother me.

Yeah, stay out of this, baldy.

Okay, you can shut up about my dad.

Oh, well, who's gonna make me?

I am.

No, wait, I am.

Eric's in a fight.

No one's here. No one's gonna believe me.

Why didn't I bring my camera?

Today was a miserable day.

Now I want to hire Martina back just so I can fire her again.

You know what might make you feel better?

If you go wait in the car while I go watch the rest of the game.

No, that's okay. You can come with me.

Great.

I'm vicious, all right!

I will tear that ass up!

Look at him go. He's got the Forman rage.

Get off of me.

Come on. Let's go tell your mom about our day.

Oh, hey, where'd you learn all those fighting moves, by the way?

Spider-Man.

I had to ask.

Hey, Donna, you know, Fez and I are free if you want tickets to a movie.

Sure. But I only have enough money for, like, two tickets.

No problem. I know this thing we can do.

First, you take two tickets and go inside, and then we wait outside and sneak through the fence.

Sounds foolproof.

We are gonna burn Fez so bad.

Well, this sucks.

'Cause before we'd just, kind of, hang out, you know?

Yeah. Well, that was before.

Obviously, hanging out doesn't work so well now.

Yeah.

Want me to give you a ride home? No, that's okay.

I don't mind.

No, I'll walk.

But thank you.

I can't believe you sat on my couch with cheese on your pants.

Okay, listen, Mom, cheese on my pants is just who I am now.

No more spending time with your father.

He's turned you into an animal.

I can't believe you got into a fight.

You know, I'm thinking about becoming a boxer.

They may have to invent a whole new weight class.

Hey, what's lighter than a feather?

A Packer win, and the boy defends the family name.

This is a great day for the Formans.

I touched your wife's butt.

I made $10.