08x22 - That '70s Finale

Episode transcripts for the TV show "That 70's Show". Aired: August 1998 to May 2006.
A comedy revolving around a close-knit group of teenage friends as they approach adulthood.
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08x22 - That '70s Finale

Post by bunniefuu »

Man, the last day of the '70s.

You know, thinking back it's like one big blur.

You're welcome.

You know, Donna, it kinda sucks that you're leaving for college today.

I mean, I kinda wanted to ring in the new year by throwing out all your corduroy boy-pants.

Well, classes start on Monday and Eric gets back at five, so I just wanna like get out of here before all the drama.

Wait a second.

If you're actually going, then who's going to be the recipient of Fez's traditional midnight feel-up?

Well, I was thinking that Fez will be feeling up Jackie.

I mean, she's his new victim.

I mean, girlfriend.

Oh, I don't know. Jackie and I haven't even had our first official kiss yet.

Yeah, it's been a little hard making the transition.

Yeah, I don't know what to do because now that she's not pushing me away and saying, "Get off," it's just awkward.

Wait a second. Why are we wasting our time talking about this?

Donna's leaving town, it's the end of the decade, we should be doing something awesome, man.

Something we have never done before.

Or this.

Hello, Wisconsin!

Wow. Wine at 11:30, huh?

Did you run out of bourbon?

Well, I am just a complete wreck.

I've decided I don't wanna leave Wisconsin.

Did you tell Red?

Well, I've been trying to but he's just, he's so excited about Florida.

Oh, but I've been dropping hints.

I told him that sunshine makes people whistle because I know how much he wants to punch those people in the face.

Steven, here's a check for you.

It's for all the rents you've paid over the years.

I put it into a savings account so you'd have something to get you started.

Whoa! This will buy me a monster bag of...


Yeah, well, you're gonna need a place to live now that we're moving to Florida.


It's gonna be strange selling the house.

That's true. Plenty of warm memories.

You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses and my foot's looking for a room.

You know, I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.

Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.

How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?

How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass?

You know, we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.

My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass.

And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote.

It's called "On the road to in your ass."

Did you ever actually do that with your foot?

Once. On Iwo Jima.

I can't talk about it.

I love this song.

Yes. It's perfect for our first real kiss.


Stop it. You smiled first.

Well, I was thinking about Tootsie Rolls.

Fez, we're forcing this.

Our first kiss has to be romantic and spontaneous.

And as a guy, it's your job to completely plan that out.

I hate being the guy. And not just because of this.

The shoe selection is awful.

Oh, Mrs. Forman.

I have here something that might make Red reconsider about moving.

Oh, my God. Packers season tickets.

Red has been on that waiting list forever.

Yeah, my grandfather was on that list for 30 years.

When the tickets finally came he was 90 years old.

He ate them.

How did you get these?

I used the cash that Red gave me.

Oh, I would hug you, but I know you don't like that.

Thank you.

You're such a good boy.

All right, Mrs. Forman, that's enough.

I'll say when we're done.

Jackie wants our first kiss to happen somewhere romantic.

I wish I could bring her here but this place is ruined.

"Michael plus Jackie."

It's like going on after Sinatra.

Yeah, we've had some good times up here, man.

My favorite thing was watching how people got down.

My beer!

This is a dangerous spot.

There you guys are.


Hey, man, when did you get back?

Man, come on. I'm not going to spend New Year's without my friends.

Come on. Besides, it's like the turn of the century.

It's so good to see you.

Did you just kiss my ear?

A little.

I liked it.

Oh, I'm so psyched, man, I got this, like, four-foot bottle rocket and I'm gonna, like, tie it to my arm and light it and just blast into the future!

Hey, you guys.

I just thought of the perfect way to put the '70s to bed.

What do you say the three of us jump off this thing one last time together?

You're reading my freaking mind.

All right, you guys ready?


One, two...

Wait, wait.

I know how this works.

You're gonna say three and I'm gonna be the only one that jumps.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, why don't you do the counting?

Yeah, that way we all have to jump. All right.

Here we go.

One, two, three!

I just can't wait to see my Eric.

I wonder what he'll look like?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say...


Hey. What the hell, man?

I thought you left for school like three hours ago.

I just want to see Eric one last time, you know?

Show him that even though he broke up with me that I'm fine.


Or maybe it's 'cause you still love him.

You are so off.

Oh, he's here. Oh, my God, how's my hair?

Where's Eric? The genius missed his flight.

I circled the airport so many times that my finger actually hurts from flipping people off.

This is so typical of Eric.

I let myself get all excited and then he doesn't even show up.

You know, Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry, but your son is an inconsiderate jerk and I'm so glad I'm through with him.

Yeah, things are going great in Chicago.

I even taught my baby daughter how to say, "Burn."

She doesn't use it right, though.

I get her a lot more than she gets me.

Hey, you still doing security at the Playboy Club?

Yeah. I got promoted to supervisor.

I'm the guy who says, "Don't touch."

Can you believe that? Me!

Hey, speaking of hot chicks, what's going on with you and that stripper wife of yours?

Not good, man. She's gone.

Apparently she's not the sweet, innocent little girl she pretends to be at the start of her act.

That's bad news. I totally would've done it with her.

Man, Hyde, that was right on the bone.

My arm's all tingly.

Just like your wife would have been if I would have done it with her.

Oh, I miss this.

Moron. Ow, ow, ow.


Remember that time you sh*t me with a BB g*n?

I still have the BB stuck underneath my skin.

I like to play with it sometimes when I get bored.

Just like I would have done with your wife.

Awesome, my tooth is loose.

Okay, Jackie.

I think I figured out why we haven't been able to have our first kiss.

We have too much history together.

So, I thought that tonight it would be romantic if I rewrite some of that history.


Oh, crap! It was dark.

Fez, this really shouldn't be this hard.

Look, I just want everybody to know how much I love you.

I always have.

That was really nice.

Yeah, you have a really strong tongue.

Yeah. It's from all the talking.

Just when I thought I can't like Florida any more, they reinstate the death penalty.

Red, you are not gonna believe what just came for you.

My Packer tickets.

I know. Isn't it terrific?

Fifth row.

You can hear the knees blowing out from there.

I can't believe I have to give them away.


I know how much you're looking forward to Florida.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Red, I don't want to move.


Well, I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move you've been so happy and smiley and you're never that way except for when you k*ll a deer.

Red, this is my home.

I don't wanna leave.

Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I'm with you.


Of course.


I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

I was talking to the tickets.

Hey. Oh, hey, man.

If you're looking for Forman, he's still not here.

I'm not here to see him.

I just wanna get drunk and ring in the New Year with my friends.

Oh. Well, in that case, welcome aboard Wasted Airlines.

Should you experience a loss of buzz, a beer will fall into your hand.

Please make sure to drink that beer before helping small children with theirs.

Everybody, we have an announcement.

We've decided not to sell the house.

We're going to stay in Point Place.

Hey, that's so weird, man. I was just thinking of moving to Point Place.

Well, I am just...

I'm just so happy we're staying because I would miss you so.

Like Fez, the way you and I have tea and make fun of male ice-skaters.

And Jackie, you're such a doll.

I don't even mind your backhanded compliments.

Oh, Mrs. Forman, you're my favorite old lady.

Oh, and you too, Leo.

You always make my day when you wave and smile hello, even if you are urinating on my mailbox.

Oh, and Bob.

No matter what I cook, you can't pass it up.

Kinda like you can't pass up a woman's rear end without yelling, "Whoo-hoo!"

Just being polite.

And Steven.

My second son.

I adore you.

But you know, now that we're staying, maybe you could shave your moustache because, honey, you look like a 40-year-old male prost*tute.

And Donna, sweetheart.

No matter where you go, I will always love you like a daughter.

I am so sorry things didn't work out with you and Eric.

I think I need some air.

So, speaking of daughters, has anyone seen Laurie?

Now listen, Bob, I know that you were counting on me for the bait shop and all.

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm a big boy. I can make it on my own.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Wow, you're getting really good at this kissing thing.

It's magical.

I couldn't ask for anything else.

So when do we get to second base?

Oh, Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?

Sure and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.

And that, my friends, is the last

"foot-in-ass" of the decade.


Michael, it is so good to see you.

The girls in the emergency room were just asking about you.

You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot mom.


You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.

Look at that. He had one more in him.

j& Won't you let me walk you home from school?

j& Won't you let me meet you at the pool?

j& Maybe Friday I can j& Get tickets for the dance

j& And I'll take you j&

Happy New Year.


I'm sorry I'm late.

I caught the last flight out.



So how are you?

I'm good.

I start college next week.


That's awesome. Yeah.

So what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?

Look, Donna...

When I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing.

But now I've been gone so long...

Eric, things are a lot different now.

I know.

It's just, Donna, I thought about you every day.

And you know what? It turns out that Red was right.

I am a dumb ass!

Donna, I'm sorry.

So, uh, sounds like there's a party going on in there.

Yeah, there is. Your mom's like really drunk.

No, really?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that.

I wish there was just some way to take the edge off.

Edge, you are officially off.

Eric, I have the most incredible news.

I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart.

Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too.

So has everyone else.

I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie.

She started out with me, the Ferrari.

And then she went to Hyde, the Mustang, and now she's with Fez.

Who's like a donkey pulling a cart full of brightly-colored Mexican blankets.

Oh, hey, Kelso, I almost forgot.

I got you something from Africa for your daughter. Check it out. A genuine plastic rhino-horn.

This is awesome. Look, guys, I'm a rhino!

Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s.

Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through.

Tonight, they're going down.

Die, brain cells, die!

And you're next, liver.

Hey, did you guys hear about that car that runs on water?

It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine and it runs on water, man!

It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.

I knew you burnouts would be down here.

You guys, it's almost midnight.

Mrs. Forman is pouring the champagne.

Hey, guys, last one up the stairs has to call Red a dumb ass.

Oh, man.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

j& It's important to me j& That you got to have freedom

j& 'Cause I never want to make you change for me! j&

Boy, we're good.

We are really good.
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