I.C.U.
Doug: Hey, J.D. Just preppin' Mr. Hovey for brain surgery.
J.D.: Doug, Mr. Hovey's having rotator cuff surgery.
Mr. Hovey: What'd you do to my hair?
Doug: Nothing!
Elliot: Cool halfro!
Mr. Hovey: WHAT?!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Uh-oh.
Mr. Hovey: Oh, thank God.
J.D.'s Narration: It's a good thing he couldn't go left, because the last thing you need in the I.C.U. is someone flying off the handle.
Dr. Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Ted the Lawyer: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! [gasps]
J.D.'s Narration: As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point. See, Neena Broderick is the scariest malpractice attorney in the city.
Meanwhile...
Neena makes her way through the hospital.
J.D.'s Narration: She seemed to create problems where there were none.
Woman: Grandma was a hundred and two. It was her time to go.
Neena whips a card at the woman.
Woman: You k*lled her, and you're gonna pay for it!
Back to...
I.C.U.
Dr. Kelso: Shake this place up! And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here!
Carla: Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.
Doug: I know!
Carla shrieks as she's jolted with the paddles.
Elliot and J.D. stuff Doug in a cloth sack.
Doug: [muffled] Hey...what are you guys going?
Dr. Kelso: Hurry!
Doug: [muffled] You guys.... Guys?
They hurl him through the window.
Doug: [muffled] My head! Ooh.
He's found by the Janitor.
Cut to...
JANITOR'S DEN
Doug: How long do I have to stay up here?
Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. [reads] Hm! Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.
***BACK TO REALITY
J.D.'s Thoughts: Or we could just ask him to leave.
Carla, all frizzed and twitching, hauls herself off the floor.
Carla: Come on, Doug. Let's go get some coffee.
They leave. Neena enters.
Dr. Kelso: Miss Broderick.
Neena: Bob. Oh, hi Ted, how's your wife doing?
Ted stares ahead blankly.
Neena: Oh, that's right, I forgot you freeze up around me. Okay. Well, I'll see you in court on the eighteenth.
J.D.'s Narration: Ted's possum-like defense mechanism was actually quite brilliant.
Ted: Hello, Neena. We got divorced, actually. I'll see you in court on the eighteenth!
Continue to...
NURSES' STATION
J.D.'s Narration: Everybody around here had the sense to stay under the radar when Neena Broderick was around. Well, almost everybody.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I need to find a black-haired, soulless bottom-feeder. Oh, hi Neena.
Neena: How ironic. Because what I need is a b*rned-out, permed-up doctor with a god-complex and a drinking problem.
J.D.: Don't listen to her. Most guys would k*ll for those curls.
Dr. Cox: Straighten up, Newbie, and I mean that in every sense of the word. This woman is pure molten evil.
J.D.: Got it.
Dr. Cox: How do you even look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are ruining American medicine? Frivolous lawsuits, scare perspective, doctors--
Neena: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Cox: Don't you even feel the least bit--
Neena: Shh!
Perry, if you want me to shed a tear about the current status of our medical system, I'm gonna have to borrow a scalpel and dig it deep into my arm, because here's a secret...
She beckons him closer with her finger. He finally leans in.
Neena: [whispering] I don't care about anything that you think about anything.
Cox grumbles with contempt.
Cut to...
HALL
Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells!
J.D.: Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled "kufunninapuh."
Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-CALL-TURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
J.D.: How'm I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with "kufunninapuh"!
Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
J.D.: She's not here.
Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me!
J.D.: But "CALL-TURK" is eight numbers.
Turk: I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the "K" anyway.
J.D.: I'll always dial the "K" for you.
Turk: You're a good friend, and that's why I did this for you.
They look over at the Janitor, who pulls his headless mop out of the bucket.
Turk: No, wait, there's more.
Janitor reaches into the water to find the mop head, only to find his hands covered in blue ink.
J.D.: Awesome!
Turk: Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not over yet.
Dr. Kelso: So you're the one.
The Janitor gasps at the blue handprints all over the walls.
J.D.: Come here, you big brown bear!
J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, it turned into a great day.
Cut to...
PATIENT'S ROOM
J.D.: I'll take the lead on this one.
Dr. Cox: It's all yours.
J.D.: Mr. Steel. First name, Man of....
Dr. Cox: You're done.
Mr. Steel, you passed out, so we're gonna go ahead and watch you closely for arrhythmia, but we don't foresee any big problems.
Neena: Hi, daddy.
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
HALL
Dr. Cox: I gotta go. If I'm around that sea hag for more than ten seconds my throat closes up.
Page me if you need me.
J.D.: Need you? Perry, please, I got this one!
Neena: Are you Dr. Dorian?
Perry's pager goes off. He goes back.
J.D.: [hissing] She was all over me!
Neena: I have a few questions about my father.
Dr. Cox: Your father has syncope--
J.D.: Perr, I'm back in!
You see, Neena, the heart is like a big inflatable house. Now, on the bottom floor are these two rooms, or "ventricles." Now, these ventricles -- or "rooms"--
Neena: Syncope in the setting of severe LV systolic dysfunction indicates a high risk of arrhythmia. So the best course of action would probably be an implantable defibrillator.
I'm a medical malpractice attorney. And I am much, much smarter than you.
J.D.: They're like rooms.
Dr. Cox: Okay, missy. Knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
Neena: You can't do that.
Dr. Cox: Really. Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.
Dr. Cox: Give that a good look.
J.D.: Like I said. Rooms.
===
HALL / ELEVATOR
Turk: What kind of person would do something like this?
Janitor: That's a very unfortunate hand placement for you.
Turk: This is a very common hand size!
...Gotta go.
===
HALL / NURSES' STATION
Elliot: Yeah, and Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?
Carla: Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. [twitches]
You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life! [laughs]
Elliot: Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself. And do you know what it said?
Carla: Mm-mm?
Elliot: It said "Dance like nobody is watching." Which I do, constantly -- in my living room, with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching. But it also said not to hide problems away. So, no, I'm not gonna go and hide Doug down in the morgue.
Doug: I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give this to someone, or if I took this from someone, but...I got a bag of blood.
Cut to...
MORGUE
Elliot: So, Doug, this is the morgue!
Elliot: Hm. Cute, the little toe-tag. Like a present.
===
EXAM ROOM
Turk: Mr. Corman, a nurse said this was a full-on emergency.
Mr. Corman: I just came from the courts. It's been six weeks since you did my shoulder surgery, and my serve still has no pop. No zip, I tell ya!
Carla: You have to understand that this is a healing process. [twitches]
Mr. Corman: Who invited Nurse Twitchy?
Turk: Okay, Mr. Corman, for the-- How many visits is this?
Mr. Corman: Twenty-seven.
Turk: Okay, for the twenty-seventh time, we're gonna ask you to do your therapy and just be patient.
Mr. Corman: I have a singles match against my mother on Monday. I lose to her, I lose my pride.
He shakes the jar of cotton swabs into his tennis bag.
Mr. Corman: I'm assuming these Q-Tips are complimentary.
===
HALL
Neena: Dr. Dorian!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, just stay calm. You can handle this. She can't be that much of a ball-buster.
***FANTASY: Neena in a top-hat and cane ball-busting dance number.
BACK TO REALITY***
Neena: Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: I'm wearing a cup!
Neena: Thanks for the crotch update.
Look, I'm just worried about my dad.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I saw her for what she really was -- just a patient's scared daughter.
Neena: Can somebody please talk to me?
===
PATIENT'S ROOM
Doug bursts in.
Doug: Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around!
Elliot: Doug! This is a quarantined area!
Cut to...
I.C.U. -- A BIT LATER
Elliot: It's okay, Doug. You probably just didn't see the signs.
Doug: Signs?
He looks over at the door plastered with warning signs.
Doug: Oh, man, I'm hopeless!
Elliot: Come on, Doug.
Doug: Sorry again, guys. My bad.
Doc 1: Get outta here! Get out!
Doc 1: Oh my God! What an idiot!
Doc 2: Steve, calm down.
Doc 1: You calm down!
Doc 2: Oh, yeah?
Doc 1: [gasps]
===
HALL
Mr. Corman: I thought that we could head over to my tennis club -- I'll show you what's going on with my serve.
Can you hop a tall fence? I'm a little behind on my dues.
Turk: Sure, a black guy breaking in to a country club. Mm, nothing bad could happen there!
Mr. Corman: Yeah, fine. Okay, I'll go practice, I'll tell you how it went -- just gimme your cell phone number.
Turk: All right, that's it. Look, Mr. Corman, I will see you whenever I have office hours, but I will not see you outside of this hospital. And there is no way that I would ever give you my cell phone number! No matter how awesome or perfect it may be! Are we clear on that?
Mr. Corman: Yes, doctor.
Janitor: Maybe it's just me, but...I wouldn't put up with that.
Mr. Corman: I'm listening.
===
CAFETERIA
J.D.: I gotta tell you, sitting here watching you play with your food makes you seem much less horrifying.
Neena: Oh, I know how I come off. You know, but I have to put that act on for my job. It's kind of like how you act all nerdy and spastic to seem more accessible to your patients.
J.D.: I'm glad you got that.
Neena: You're sweet.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, is she flirting with me?
Neena: Oh my God, am I flirting with you?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, is she psychic?
Neena: You must think I'm such a mess! I don't even know how to flirt.
J.D.: Ohh, come on, it's easy. I'll tell you what, take some of that cupcake frosting and just lick it off your finger.
Neena: You mean...like this?
She does so.
Neena: I think that was mashed potatoes.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
J.D.: Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena: [cracks up] That's really funny!
J.D.'s Narration: Well that's not a fair test -- that joke's hilarious. Still, right then I decided something.
Cut to...
NURSES' STATION
J.D.: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our medical obligation to treat him, whether his daughter is a m*rder*r, a drug addict, or a t*rror1st.
Dr. Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
J.D.: Even a lawyer. It's what we do.
Dr. Cox: Who taught you this crap?
J.D.'s Narration: It's nice to have the right answer to a tough question.
J.D.: You did.
Dr. Cox: Oh.
J.D.'s Narration: It's definitely better than having no answer at all.
Meanwhile...
WHEECHAIR RAMP
Doug: Elliot, do you think I should even be a doctor?
Meanwhile...
RESTAURANT
Turk's cell phone rings.
Carla: Not at dinner!
Turk: Baby, if you call Turk, you get Turk!
[answering] You got Turk.
J.D.'s Narration: If you do answer, you better be prepared for the worst.
Mr. Corman: [from phone] Hi! You have a sec?
Turk: Who gave you this number?
There's a knocking on the window. Mt. Corman and the Janitor stand outside.
Mr. Corman: He did.
Meanwhile...
HOSPITAL HALL / NURSES' STATION
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna lie to you there, Newbie, you really impressed me by parroting my ethical speech back to me. What the hell got into you?
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I didn't have to say anything and he knew.
Perspective zooms down the hall to Neena, who winks at J.D. Zoom back to Cox and J.D.
Dr. Cox: Ohh, Priscilla, you are so busted!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit, he sees like a hawk!
===
COMMERCIALS
===
NURSES' STATION
Dr. Cox: So now, what, she just bats her eyes and you change your tune? Who in the hell am I kidding? Of course you fell for her act, you're the loneliest guy in this hospital!
Carla: Oh, no, he's not the loneliest guy. That's the loneliest guy. Watch this.
She turns to the delivery guy.
Carla: Excuse me?
She taps him on the shoulder, and he melts at the simple touch.
Delivery Guy: Mmmmm.
Dr. Cox: Neena played you like proud owner of the world's longest dry streak. You know what, can I ask you a personal question? Exactly how long has it been since you've swept the stuffed animals off of your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air, and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?
J.D.: For your information, there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
***FLASHBACK: FOXY NURSE'S APARTMENT -- LAST WEEKEND
There's much bouncing and jostling of the bed.
J.D.: [out of view] Hold on. I'm almost there!
He backs away from the bed.
J.D.: Okay! Your new bed's all in. [suave] What now?
Nurse: You leave.
She turns to her shirtless date and they begin making out as J.D. heads out.
J.D.: Still don't understand why he couldn't do it.
BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: All right, even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
Neena: I was playing you.
J.D.: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena: No, I manipulated you.
J.D.: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena: Ookay, we seem to be in a bit of a loop here, so I'm just gonna step over and talk to this one. [to Perry] Are you gonna do the procedure on my father or not?
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and leave this decision up to the lonely guy.
Cut to...
SUPPLY CLOSET
Elliot: Mm.
J.D.: What are you doing here?
Elliot: Ah. Hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
J.D.: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Elliot: Right.
Elliot: What are they doing here?
Foxy Nurse and Shirtless Date are in a corner making out.
J.D.: This is a hospital! He should really have his shirt on.
Elliot: Yeah.
J.D.: Dynamite areolas, though, huh?
===
HALL
Carla: [whistles] Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!
Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
Janitor: Ehh, once you got somebody's drivers license and a urine sample, you get just about anything.
How do you flunk eighth grade gym?
Carla: You better stop messing with my husband.
Janitor: You--tell him to stop messing with my walls!
Carla: You did this?
Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Carla: I'm out.
Janitor: I flunked gym, too. Didn't like the shorts.
By the way, your number isn't "CALL-TURK," it's "CALL-TUR." It'd be easier if your name was "Cal Turk."
Turk: There's nobody named Cal Turk!
***FANTASY: INSURANCE OFFICE
Turk: [in whiteface] Cal Turk here! We don't sell insurance, we sell peace of mind! But only to white people. Would you like some milk?
BACK TO REALITY***
NURSES' STATION
J.D.: Carla, have you seen Miss Broderick?
Carla: Maybe you should ask Ted.
Ted stands frozen.
J.D.: So she's nearby....
Carla: Mm-hmm.
HALL
Mr. Corman: Your father's gonna be just fine. The place is top-notch! I practically live here!
Neena: Are you a doctor?
Mr. Corman: Massive hypochondriac. If you'll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon.
He shakes her hand and leaves.
J.D. arrives.
Neena: If you've come to tell me your decision about my father, just say it and leave.
J.D.: Look, your little ice show doesn't work on me, okay, I've seen the real you -- you can't even flirt.
Neena: Oh, really?
She licks her lips p*rn.
J.D. bashes into a wall.
J.D.: Why are you doing this?
Neena: I love my dad. I'd do anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you're really sweet.
J.D.: How'm I supposed to believe that?
Neena: Well, you can't. I already lied to you once so the trust is broken, even though I'd never lie to you again.
J.D.: Really?
Neena: Who knows.
Look, do whatever you think is right, regardless of how I feel about you. And if it helps you out, I'm not the least bit interested.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Like that matters. I'm not that lonely.
He passes the lonely delivery guy, knocking his shoulder.
J.D.: Mmmmm.
&
Delivery Guy: Mmmmm.
===
SEMI-PRIVATE PATIENTS ROOM
J.D.'s Narration: When you're faced with a big decision, sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts. 'Course, in a hospital, that's a problem. You see, around here places to be alone are hard to come by.
J.D.: How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not?
Elliot: [sighs] How do I tell someone he shouldn't be a doctor?
Turk: How do I get my patient to stop stalking me?
Patient's Thoughts: How do I get these people to realize that just because I'm in a coma doesn't mean I can't hear them? ...I'm hungry.
J.D.: Turk, the way I see it, you got two options: You can go hard-core with Mr. Corman -- slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor...
Turk: Guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him!
Elliot: Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits. It's easy. 'Course, you'll definitely have to change your cell phone number.
Cut to...
ADMISSIONS(?)
Turk: Mr. Corman, I filed a restraining order. Which means if you come to my house, call my cell phone--
Mr. Corman: Excuse me, I know what a restraining order is. You act like I've never dated.
Turk: Bye, Mr. Corman.
Meanwhile...
??
J.D.'s Narration: Turk's incredible selfishness in sacrificing a patient to keep his cell phone number motivated Elliot and I to do the right thing.
.D.: Do the procedure.
Dr. Cox: Okay....
J.D.'s Narration: Even if the right thing is really hard.
Meanwhile...
MORGUE
Elliot: Doug, I'm sorry, but...I don't think you're cut out for being a doctor.
Doug: Wow....
Pathologist: I cannot figure out how this guy d*ed.
Doug: I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.
Pathologist: Have you seen this before?
Doug: Seen it? Upstairs they call that a "Doug"!
Elliot: You got any others you can't figure out?
They stand over a body...
Doug: Doctor prescribed overdosage of Fentanyl.
And another body...
Doug: Dissected left main during a cardiac catheterization.
Doug feels around inside another body...
Doug: We look under Mr. Pancreas and...there it is.
He pulls out a lost rubber glove.
Elliot: Huh!
Pathologist: He's the best I've ever seen. Mind if we steal him from you?
Elliot: I can live with it.
Doug: Well, my work here is done.
He strips off his gloves and drops them into the open cavity.
Elliot: I'll get those. Heh. [clears throat]
===
I.C.U.
Neena watches over her recovering father.
Neena: So my dad's gonna be okay?
Dr. Cox: He's great.
Neena: Thank you. And I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you're so much as a blip on my radar. Better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could possibly do could ever, hee-hever get to me.
Neena: I should probably thank him, too.
She pulls J.D. into a kiss.
The Mavericks' "I Wanna Know" comes up.
Dr. Cox: [disgusted] Ohh, my God. I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time! I'm...I'm gavomiting!
J.D.: You know, if you really wanna piss him off, we should follow him to his office and just have sex right in front of him!
Ahhhh, that would never work, I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing. Okay, thank you.
He starts to walk off and is pulled back.
J.D.: Okay, I'm confused, I thought you weren't interested in me.
Neena: Well maybe I just said that to make it easier for you. Or maybe I said it 'cause I knew you'd do what I wanted you to. I'm not sure.
She kisses him again.
J.D.'s Narration: As I stood there confused but enjoying Neena's very long kiss with just the right amount of tongue, I thought about how when you make tough decisions good things can happen.
NURSES' STATION
J.D.'s Narration: Like the confidence you can gain from finding your true calling.
Doug: Hey, Nelson. Got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today. Were you operating with a blindfold on or what?
ADMISSONS(?)
J.D.'s Narration: And when you make decisions for the wrong reasons, they can come back to bite you in the ass.
Turk: Ten feet, Mr. Corman!
Mr. Corman: No problem. I'm suing you.
TURK, J.D., and CARLA'S APARTMENT
Turk: [on answering machine] Dude! Mr. Corman is suing me! And that ice princess is his attorney! When did he get a chance to meet her?!
***FLASHBACK: HOSPITAL HALL
As Neena shakes Mr. Corman's hand, she slips a business card to him.
FLASH PRESENT***
Turk: [on answering machine] What am I gonna do? Call Turk as soon as you get this!
J.D. starts to dial, but is distracted by a voice from his bedroom.
Neena: Are you coming in or what?
J.D.'s Narration: In the end, it's always best to rely on your principles to make decisions.
J.D.: Hell yeah!
He drops the phone and rushes into the bedroom.
Answering Machine: Message deleted.