EMPTY APARTMENT
J.D. stands alone in the dark apartment, looking forlorn.
J.D.'s Narration: So here I am. Sitting on a box, [widen to show Rowdy next to him] in an empty apartment with a dead dog, [close-up on face] and a single tear on my cheek. I can't help but wonder how I got to this place.
***FLASHBACK***
HOSPITAL PARKING LOT -- DAY
J.D., Turk, and some guys are getting ready to play basketball.
Turk: Who are these guys?
J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital who don't realize I suck at basketball.
Turk: Ah.
J.D.: Okay, so here's what's gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook-sh*t, okay?
Turk: Ah-huh?
J.D.: So when we go to pick teams, I'm gonna hit that sh*t. Then you say, "I'll take that guy!" At which point, Carla is gonna page me [gestures to a bored Carla looking out the window]. And I'll say, "Crap, I gotta go." And you go, "Damn! We just lost the best player out here!" Then there'll be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports, and word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D.: Between these thoughts.
Turk: Oh. Okay. Let's play some ball!
J.D. bounces the ball a couple of times and runs to take his sh*t. He unfortunately misses and, even more unfortunately, the ball bounces off the backboard, coming back and whacking him in the head. He drops to the ground, out cold.
Turk: [Sticking to the plan] I got that guy.
J.D.'s beeper goes off.
Cut to...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT
Elliot and Jake stand outside the bathroom.
J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's boyfriend, Jake, had given her confidence to do things she'd never been able to do before.
Jake: Okay, you ready to do this?
Elliot: You know it!
She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like talking to people when she's on the toilet.
Jake: [Through the door] Uh, okay, uh, I know how comfortable you are with Carla, so I'm gonna have her do the talking, all right? You just say when.
Carla comes into frame and listens at the door with Jake.
Elliot: [From bathroom] There's cheeks on the seat, and I'm feeling good! Let's hear it.
Carla: [Through the door] Hello, Elliot. How are you doing?
There's a crash of glass heard from inside.
Jake: She went out the window.
They rush off to find her.
===
ADMISSIONS
Dr. Cox enters and approaches the front desk where Dr. Kelso is working.
Dr. Cox: Whoa! Bob Kelso here before noon? They're either giving away free doughnuts at the café, or there's an Asian prost*tute convention in the I.C.U.!
Dr. Kelso: Is now the time I'm supposed to be embarrassed because I like fine food and Korean call girls? Write this down, Perry: I'm old and I honestly don't care what people think about anything I do.
There's the sharp sound of broken wind. The people in the waiting area grimace and groan in disgust.
Dr. Kelso: [Unashamed] That was me, folks.
No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Over behind the desk, Ted jabs at a keyboard.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals.... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!
Yep, it is. And it's got Ted's tie caught in the roller.
Ted: Oh, God, it's got my tie!
He yanks his head back and falls on the floor, taking the typewriter on the end of his tie with him.
Dr. Cox: Bob, this whole thing is only gonna take a couple of days, so why not let Jordan do it? Yes, she is a member of the board, but, hell, that only gets her out of the house once every couple of months or so. And I know she loves our son Jack with all her heart, but I think spending every waking moment with the child, I think...I think it's starting to get to her.
***FLASHBACK***
DR. COX'S APARTMENT
Jordan is playing with the baby in his high-chair.
Jordan: [Smiling sweetly] I hate you!
***BACK TO PRESENT***
Dr. Cox: So, whatta you say, there, Bobbo?
Flash to...
TED'S OFFICE
Dr. Kelso presents the place to Jordan.
Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard! This will be your office for the next few days!
Ted, find someplace else to work.
He leaves.
Ted: Aw, man! Not again!
[Starts packing his stuff.]
If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a g*n!
Ted: Bottom left.
===
PARKING LOT
J.D. and Turk lie side by side on the asphalt. J.D. finally comes-to.
J.D.: So, yo, could I ask you a question?
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: Why are we lying in the parking lot?
The camera pulls back to show regular hospital business going on around them.
The sh*t zooms back close.
Turk: Your hook-sh*t knocked you unconscious, so I lied down next to you so everyone would just think we were chillin'.
J.D.: Oh, thanks SCB! By the way, I should tell you something: I found an apartment, I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Yeah.
Turk: What does "SCB" mean?
J.D.: "Super Chocolate Bear."
Turk: I love it.
J.D.: I knew you would.
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
CAFETERIA
J.D. and Todd come in, passing Nurse Roberts and another nurse who are chatting in line.
Nurse: Someone stole a whole case of laxatives from the supply closet.
Nurse Roberts: Don't look at me -- I'm as regular as rain.
The Janitor stops J.D., presenting a large pie to him.
Janitor: Who wants a piece of pie!
J.D.: Who made it?
Janitor: [Uncertain] Let's say my mom.
J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, you get good at piecing things together.
***FLASHBACK***
A FEW MINUTES PRIOR
The screen is split between the Nurse and the Janitor.
Nurse: Someone stole a case of laxatives.
&
Janitor: Who wants a piece of pie!
J.D.'s Narration: This one was obvious.
***BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: No thank you.
He walks on, but Todd remains.
Todd: Free pie? Hell yeah!
He takes a big bite out of the piece Janitor holds out to him.
Meanwhile, J.D. takes a seat at a table with Elliot and Jake, Turk and Carla.
Carla: I can't believe you two have lived together for twelve years.
Turk: Do you remember our first day together?
***FLASHBACK***
COLLEGE DORM ROOM
Turk (with scary high top) introduces himself to the just-moved-in J.D. (with scary mullet...and wizard hat).
Turk: Yo, they call me Chris One. What's the dilly-yo?
J.D. sits among his collection of fantasy geek stuff.
J.D.: Welcome to our lair! I'm an eighth-level ogre magi with invisibility. [Gestures to a plastic dragon] And this is Randall!
***BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: You were a dork!
Everybody laughs.
J.D.: I'm glad nothing else around here is changing.
Carla: [Explaining to Jake] You see, this is the time of year where everybody leaves for new jobs, but Turk's got another year of residency.
Elliot: Yeah, and J.D. and I just took positions here as staff internists.
Jake: Is that what you wanted to do?
Elliot: There was an endocrinology fellowship with this amazing doctor over at County, but it was a little over my head.
Jake: So you took a fall-back job because you were afraid to go for it?
J.D.: Uhh, Jake...is it?
Jake: Yeah, it's--
J.D.: I know your name, Jake, I'm being condescending.
It's Jake, right? Look, no one here is settling. Here at Sacred Heart, you get to work with some of the finest doctors in the country.
Todd races past, undoing his pants.
Todd: Out of my way! I got a doozy of a twosie!
===
I.C.U.
Dr. Cox has a group of interns gathered. Jordan is at the Nurses' Station desk nearby.
Dr. Cox: All right, then, before we jump in to rounds, I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention. [Addresses Lonnie, who stands next to an attractive female colleague.] Lonnie, you're k*lling us. And, honestly, what's the point? D'you understand that no matter how badly you wanna get freaky with Karen, here, that's just not going to happen, and here's why: She thinks you have the body of a fetus. Oh, Karen, did you tell me that in confidence?
Karen: No, he knows.
Lonnie: She drew me a picture.
Jordan: Don't sweat it too much, kid. He wore so much cologne on our first date, I had to sell my Miata!
Dr. Cox: WHY?
Jordan: For funsies!
Dr. Cox: [Whistles.] Heel!
He leads the group out, past Jordan.
Lonnie: Thanks for that.
Jordan: Keep movin', fetus face.
===
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT
Carla comes home to find J.D. and Turk stood at opposite sides of the living room, with Rowdy between them.
J.D.: Come here, boy! Come on, Rowdy!
Turk: [Waving a raw steak] No, you come here and eat your steak!
Carla: What are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, whoever Rowdy goes to first, he gets to keep him.
Rowdy, if you come to me I'll scratch your special region!
Carla: So, you moved back all the furniture and defrosted our dinner with your sweaty hands for a joke!?
Turk: [Meekly slaps the steak into her palm] Yeah, we did....
Carla: If he stays, I'll drive him out to the country and leave him there.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Huzzah! He's mine!
STREET
Jake has driven Elliot for her interview, parking in front of the building.
Elliot: I can't believe you talked me into this! I will never get this fellowship -- I don't interview well. It's the reason I didn't get into Harvard. The second the professor asked me what I hoped to accomplish in college, my nose started bleeding, and I sneezed and splattered his shirt with blood.
Jake: You know, dammit, Elliot, how many people do you have to talk to while you're peeing before you start believing in yourself?
Elliot: You're right.
Cut to...
OFFICE
Elliot is having her interview.
Doctor: So...why are you interested in this fellowship?
There's the sound of a sneeze and a crimson spray all over the man.
Elliot: [With smeared bloody nose] Ahem. Well, first off, I have incredible passion for the work you're doing. I've heard that you're an amazing doctor and I would be honored to have the opportunity to work with you, Mr. Gold.
===
ADMISSIONS
Jordan and Perry come in together for work.
Jordan: [Giddy] Have a great day, honey!
She kisses him and goes off.
Dr. Cox: [Deleriously giddy] You have even a better one, you! You do it, you! Yeah, you have even a better one!
As soon as she's cleared, Dr. Cox comes around the front desk and whacks himself in the head a few times with the lifting desktop.
Dr. Kelso is revealed to be here to see this.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest-egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces.
And I'm guessing that's because his significant other --
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Cox: -- Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all of the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere! She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. And that used to be fine when she just came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now, I'd honestly k*ll myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike-ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: [Takes Perry by the shoulders] I'm so glad you shared.
Cut to...
NURSES' STATION
Dr. Kelso speaks to Jordan.
Dr. Kelso: How would you like to make this a full-time job?
Jordan: I'll have to think about it!
She goes off, revealing Dr. Cox listening nearby, who turns to Kelso with a "WHY?" expression.
Dr. Kelso: How could you not see this coming? [Snickers evilly.]
===
HALL
Turk is keeping watch outside the door as J.D. excitedly exits the on-call room.
J.D.: Hooch just got in the shower.
Turk: Let the games begin.
They hop up on the nearby Nurses' Station desk and grab a box of popcorn.
Hooch, covered in brown goop with a towel around his waist, angrily emerges from the on-call room.
Hooch: [To the present staff] Who the hell...put bouillon cubes in the shower head!?! Huh? Hm, did you do it? Hm? Did you? If it happens again, I will wait in my S.U.V., blast me some speed-metal -- 5.1 surround sound, heavy on the bass -- and someone...will be getting...mowed...down.
Turk giddily grins at J.D.
Hooch: [Bopping a staffer on the head with his scrubby] Deet-deet-deet!
He leaves.
J.D.: Hooch is crazy!
The two hop off the desk and start walking down the hall.
J.D.: I'm really gonna miss this kinda stuff.
Turk: Why? We'll still be able to pull pranks on him after you move out.
J.D.: Yeah, but we won't be able to stay up 'til six in the morning planning anything as genius as the soup shower! This is the end of an era, Super Choc.
Turk: You know how you're prone to overly sensitive girly displays of sentimentality?
J.D.: Guilty.
Turk: Okay, now, if you reel it back a little bit, I'll get somebody to cover for me tonight, and I'll help you pack your stuff.
J.D.: Oh! Can we cut words out of magazines that represent how we feel about each other and glue them into a "Friends Forever" collage?
Turk: Hell no.
J.D.: Oh. Well, can we drink beers and reminisce?
Turk: Hell yes!
J.D.: That's all I wanted to do anyway.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Plus, I already made the collage.
Turk stops and puts his arm over J.D.'s shoulder.
Turk: Now, listen to me. You gotta make tonight count. 'Cause you'll never be as cool as you were when you were rollin' with The Big Dog as your roommate, you know?
He slaps J.D. on the back and goes on.
J.D.'s Thoughts: No, I didn't know.
===
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Carla and Elliot are sitting together on the sofa.
Carla: Well, maybe Jake shouldn't have pushed you into that interview.
Elliot: Maybe I should have covered my mouth when I sneezed blood the second time.
Carla: Oh, come on, Elliot! He's always telling you what to do.
Elliot: That's not true!
Intercom: [Bzzzzzz] Hey, it's Jake, buzz me up.
She races to do so.
Elliot: Ohhh, my God, you're right.
Carla: Don't let him be your puppet-master.
Jake enters.
Jake: Hey!
Elliot: Hey.
They kiss.
Jake: What's up?
Elliot: I have a headache.
Jake: Take some aspirin.
Elliot: Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!
Carla holds her hand out for a little high five, which Elliot gives as she hops back on the couch.
Jake: Okay, what just happened?
===
I.C.U.
Cox stares into the room of a small boy laying in the bed. Jordan arrives.
Jordan: So, do you think I should take the job? [He doesn't respond.] Perry?
Dr. Cox: Oh. I'm sorry, honey. I was just thinking about this little boy in here. He's only eight years old and he's terminal. I just hope his parents spent as much time with him as they could -- you're here one minute, and then the next you're.... What, uh, what were you saying?
Jordan: [Troubled] Nothing.
She goes off, and Cox enters the boy's room, pulling the blanket back.
Dr. Cox: Stick your hand out.
[The fully-dressed kid takes the cash slapped into his palm.]
Good man.
[He helps the kid out of bed and gives him a playful kick in the rear to speed him down the hall.]
Get yourself some ice cream. Go on, get outta here.
He leaves the room.
===
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Turk comes in the front door with an enormous pizza box.
Turk: Hey! Oh! Oh! [Laughs.] J.D.! I got a mondo 82-inch pizza with our names on it! [Goes into J.D.'s room] Dude! It's huuuu--
He stops at the sight of J.D.'s empty room.
Cut to...
J.D.'S NEW APARTMENT
J.D. answers the knock at the door to Turk with the giant pizza.
Turk: Dude? What the hell, we're supposed to hang and all of a sudden you moved out?
J.D.'s Narration: It's hard to hide your emotions in front of people who know you well.
Meanwhile...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT
Carla, Elliot, and Jake all sit together on the couch, staring at the ringing phone on the table.
Jake: Answer it.
Elliot gives him a scolding look.
Jake: Or don't.
Elliot: [Answering phone] Hello?
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like excitement about a new job...
Elliot: [Covers phone] I got the fellowship!
Jake: Hey!
She excitedly hugs and kisses him, while Carla rolls her eyes.
Meanwhile...
HOSPITAL -- HALL
Cox supports Jordan as she speaks with Kelso.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or disappointment about a lost opportunity...
At the same time, the "terminal" kid comes up behind Cox with his ice cream, and promptly gets a white coat thrown over his head.
Jordan: I'm sorry, Bob, I can't take the job.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe next year.
He goes off, and Cox throws his arms around Jordan to comfort her -- and to keep her from seeing the kid under the coat stumble down the hall.
Meanwhile...
J.D.'S NEW APARTMENT
J.D. faces Turk.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I just didn't want Turk to know that he'd hurt my feelings.
J.D.: I dunno, I figured it wasn't that big a deal. Anyway, I'm pretty tired from the move, so I'm probably just gonna crash.
He slams the door, then immediately reopens it, grabbing the pizza box.
J.D.: ...Sort of famished...
Turk watches as J.D. struggles to get the box through his doorway, which he finally manages with a fall to the floor. Turk starts to come in to help, but J.D. jumps to his feet and shuts the door.
Turk, sad and confused, leaves.
===
COMMERCIALS
===
CAFETERIA -- MORNING
Turk enters with a cup of coffee, passing a table where Ted the Lawyer is folding a paper airplane.
Ted: Morning.
Turk: Mm.
Turk continues on to the table where J.D. is sitting and giving him the stink-eye.
J.D.'s Narration: Turk didn't even realize he'd pissed me off, so explaining my feelings to him was the smart move. I took a slightly different tack.
Turk smiles and starts to sit down.
J.D.: [Stopping Turk] That seat's taken, ass-face!
Turk: By who?
Hooch arrives with his tray and takes the seat across from J.D.
J.D.: Hello there, Chocolate Bear Two.
Turk: Hooch!? J.D., what the hell is going on here!?
J.D.: I replaced your ass!
Hooch: [Disturbingly good-natured] By the by, Johnny told me that you were responsible for my...brothy shower the other day.
Turk: [Laughing uncomfortably] Well, you know....
Hooch laughs too, rather maniacally.
Hooch: [Deadly serious] If it happens again, I'm gonna take one of your fingers. [J.D. and Turk look afraid.] That'll be my...funny prank.
Turk leaves.
J.D.: [Under breath] Hooch is crazy.
Hooch turns his evil glare to J.D.
J.D.: Oh, sorry, old habit. [Gives reassuring thumb's up.]
Cut to...
HALL
Carla stands before Jake.
J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only unhappy person in our hospital family.
Carla: Sure, Jake, I'll tell you why it feels like I have a problem with you. The fact that Elliot jumps so high whenever you tell her to may seem harmless, but as a result she's been stealing all my sports bras! Seriously, the only one I have left is the one I'm wearing; and it works great, see? [Hops up and down] Huh?
Jake: [Watching her bounce] It works pretty nicely.
Carla: [Continues hopping] It does, right?
[Finally, she stops.]
But! If I wanna jump up and down again this week, I'm stuck until laundry day!
Jake: Okay, I'm obviously gonna have to guess what your point is here, but I think it's that I control Elliot? Which I don't. [Elliot enters the area.] Here, watch this: Elliot, will you shove that guy?
On command, Elliot throws the guy passing her into the wall, then happily approaches Jake and Carla.
Jake: Why would you do that? I was tr--I was trying to prove you don't do everything I say.
Elliot: Well, clue me in, stud! That was Creepy Carl -- he runs an up-skirt website. ...I'm on it...
===
TED'S OFFICE
With Jordan out, Ted is free to move his stuff back in. He happily replaces his mother's picture on his desk and pulls his paper airplane out of his box. Distracted by this, he fails to notice the open file cabinet in front of him, and whacks his head into it, falling to the floor.
Jordan, with a box of her things under her arm, and Perry watch from the open door.
Jordan: Oh, yeah, Ted, I moved the file cabinet.
[Frowns as she looks around] I'm gonna miss this office.
Dr. Cox: Why? It smells like that odd combo of flopsweat, hopelessness, and feet.
Jordan: Yeah, I know, it's just...I guess this stupid job made me feel valid again, you know? [He's silent, realizing just what he's done.] You don't know. It's okay. See you at home.
She gives him a hug and takes one last look at the office before leaving.
Ted comes to and hops to his feet, right under the open file cabinet drawer, knocking his head and collapsing again.
===
I.C.U.
J.D. stands at a patient's bed, looking over a chart.
The Janitor comes up next to him.
Janitor: [Presenting his pie] Who's ready for a pie break?
J.D.: No!
Janitor: Come on, why not?
J.D. gestures to the patient in the bed.
J.D.: Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea, he's been on an I.V. drip for thirty-six hours!
Todd: [Holding up his hand] Make-it-stop five? [Snaps.]
J.D. goes out into the hall.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it.
He stops near Elliot pleading with an unresponsive Carla.
Elliot: Carla, I can sense you're upset. Talk to me.
J.D. continues down the hall.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive.
He stops near Dr. Cox talking to Jordan.
Dr. Cox: Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Touché, magic hallway.
[Walks on.]
Bottom line, I should've had more faith in my friend to come through for me.
Continue to...
OUTSIDE -- WHEELCHAIR RAMP
J.D. spots the back of his buddy on his scooter.
J.D.: Turk!
Hooch: [Turning around] No, it's me Hooch, Vanilla Bear! Heh heh!
J.D.: Hooch is crazy....
Cut to...
J.D.'S NEW APARTMENT
J.D. leads Hooch in.
J.D.: So, Hooch, this is it.
J.D.'s Narration: Then things took a turn.
J.D.: [Looking around] Wait, where's Rowdy?
[Spots a note on his "Friends Forever" collage.]
"I'm at the hospital"?
Cut to...
HOSPITAL PARKING LOT
J.D. and Hooch ride back on the scooter.
J.D.: [Spotting Rowdy in a window] There he is!
They leap off the scooter and run into the building.
Cut to...
FOURTH FLOOR ELEVATOR
They race in just to see the doors close on Rowdy.
J.D.: THERE HE IS!
Okay, he's going up. I'll take the stairs. You don't let anyone out of that elevator, okay? Be strong, Hooch!
Hooch: I'll try.
J.D. takes off.
Cut to...
ROOF
J.D. bursts through the door to find Turk waiting up here with Rowdy.
Turk: So where's Chocolate Bear Number Two?
Meanwhile...
ELEVATOR
Hooch menacingly stands with his shoe raised high over a knocked-out doc and several other frightened staffers in the elevator.
Hooch: Who else thinks they're faster than me, huh? Huh!?
Back to...
ROOF
J.D.: Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.
Turk titters.
===
I.C.U.
Elliot follows Carla around as she checks on the patients.
Elliot: Well, look, Carla, Jake makes me happy! Plus, there's a decent chance he'll be my second serious boyfriend not to end up in bed with my mom or my brother Barry. And he doesn't always tell me what to do. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you, but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask if you thought I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt when we go celebrate my new job tonight -- but instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.
Carla stops in front of her.
Carla: Look! I thought you were staying, okay?
I've been here for eleven years, and it's always the same story: I get really close to someone, they move on. I don't wanna be fifty, making friends with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing!
Elliot: Not if I go with you!
She does a really lame, jerky robot dance, pulling a laugh from Carla.
Todd pipes up from the bed between them.
Todd: And then they kiss?
[They give him a look.]
Sorry.
===
DR. COX'S APARTMENT
Jordan and Perry look into the crib of their sleeping baby.
Jordan: Look at him. What an angel.
The baby coughs.
Jordan: Down! He's waking up!
They duck to the floor.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, um.... Lookit, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.
Jordan: [Sarcastic] Really?
He's surprised and annoyed that he couldn't pull one over on her.
Jordan: Look, I don't wanna be one of those moms that never sees her kids. But I also don't wanna be one of those moms that stays at home but then resents her kids 'cause she wishes she was working so she could go to an office and feel bad about not being at home with her kids.
I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.
Dr. Cox: Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, but...you are an amazing mom.
She smiles gratefully and they kiss.
===
ROOF
J.D., Turk, and Rowdy are still trying to work out their differences.
J.D.: Just say you're sorry, give me a hug, and this'll all be over.
Turk: Why do I have to say I'm sorry?
J.D.: Dude, I don't mean to sound girly, but, for the last twelve years, you've practically been like...my wife.
Turk: How is that girly?
J.D.: Look, before, when you said I'd never be as cool as when I was living with you, you know there's some truth to that. I'm sorta like odd and geeky, and you've always sort of...validated me.
Turk: J.D., you're just moving out.
J.D.: Well, say things'll be the same.
Turk's beeper goes off. He checks it.
Turk: [Stands.] That's Carla and I gotta go.
You're right, things are gonna be different. But different doesn't always mean bad -- just means different.
J.D.: Mmkay.
Turk: All right.
He heads to the door, leaving Rowdy.
Just as Turk's cleared, the Janitor appears from nowhere, clutching his pie.
Janitor: No better pick-me-up than a slice of Mom's pie!
J.D.: Why are you so obsessed with this!?
Janitor: I dunno. I think it's 'cause this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: [Digs in and takes a bite.] Really.
Encouraged, J.D. takes the fork and has a bite.
Janitor: [Smiling] Huh?
A look of uncertain anguish suddenly spreads over J.D.'s face.
Cut to...
MEN'S ROOM
We get a sh*t of two pairs of feet, pants around the ankles of each, under two stall doors.
J.D.: Who would do this to themselves?
Janitor: Totally worth it.
We see inside J.D.'s stall as he thinks.
G Tom Mac's "Half" begins.
J.D.'s Narration: As every piece of food I'd put into my body in the last year was rushing out of me, it got me thinking. The way some things never change shines a light on the things that do.
The stall backdrop breaks apart to signify the shift to...
ADMISSIONS
J.D. turns to watch Perry and Jordan (with her box) approach Ted.
J.D.'s Narration: Like when a new person comes into the hospital to stay...
Dr. Cox whistles.
Jordan: My office keys, Ted?
Ted fishes the keys from his pocket and drops them into Jordan's waiting palm.
Elliot comes up to J.D., a box in her arms.
Elliot: I can't believe I'm actually doing this. You're meeting me out later, right?
J.D. nods.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or an old friend leaves for good.
Elliot takes one last look around before heading out the front door.
Meanwhile...
TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT
The two sit on the floor in front of the TV.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the biggest changes are a result of an impulsive decision.
Carla: I think we should have a baby.
Turk: Whoa!
Carla: Hm?
Turk: Whoa!!
Carla: What?
Turk: I know you're feeling abandoned right now, but we just went through a really rough spot, and I'm not the type of guy to make life-changing decisions without thinking about it for at least, like...a few months.
Carla opens her top to reveal a sexy camisole underneath.
Turk: Let's make a baby.
They kiss.
The camera pans to the window and the starry sky, and back in to the window of...
J.D.'S NEW APARTMENT -- WHERE WE BEGAN
J.D. stands alone in the dark apartment, looking forlorn.
J.D.'s Narration: And so here I am -- a guy in an empty apartment with a dead dog. Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek, that's just from the leak in my ceiling. [Looks up at the dripping ceiling.] And, yes, change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. I mean, it's not like opportunity is just gonna fall in to your lap.
The leaking ceiling collapses, and a woman in a sudsy bathtub plummets onto J.D.'s moving boxes.
Woman: Agh!
J.D.'s Narration: Then again....
J.D.: Howdy, neighbor, I'm Jonathan!
Woman: Hi.
A half-naked, mean looking guy crashes down next to them.
Guy: You eyeballin' my woman?
J.D. looks around nervously.
J.D.'s Narration: I hate change.
The song ends.
====