O.R. -- SCRUB ROOM
J.D. enters as Turk is washing up.
J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.'s Thoughts: The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.
Turk: [Being carried] Whoa! Dude! Oh, Goooood! Whoa! Nooooooooo! Dude!
Follow to...
ADMISSIONS
J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox.
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooooooo! Heh heh heh heh heh heh....
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!
They split.
Jordan arrives.
Jordan: Let's go, Perr!
Dr. Cox: I have been waiting for an hour.
Jordan: I know! I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said "Screw her!" and then you stormed out! But then you came back 'cause you realized [jangling the ring] I have the keys!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists --
Jordan: Right.
Dr. Cox: -- I'm gonna put a plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy. You can't, you can't, you can't! Heh. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out. [Jordan exhales with mock shock, and takes the opportunity of Perry looking down at his chart to leave.] However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
He looks up.
Dr. Cox: Jorderoo?
Cut to...
SECURITY BOOTH
Jordan mischievously watches Perry on the monitor.
Dr. Cox: [On monitor] Hello?
Jordan: I'm in heeeere! You can't seeeee meeeee!
Dr. Cox: [On monitor] JORDAN!
Ohhh....
Meanwhile...
NORTH COUNTY UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER (NCUMC) -- ELEVATOR
Elliot embarks with her morning coffee.
J.D.'s Narration: Not everyone was in hell at their job. In fact, there was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital -- Charlie, her co-fellow.
Charlie's head drops into frame from the ceiling of the elevator car, right next to Elliot. He reaches his hands out at her as the doors close.
Inside, there's the sound of Elliot screaming, and splashing liquid.
The door opens again and she emerges from the elevator, drenched in coffee.
Elliot: Good morning, Charlie.
Charlie: [Chasing after her] Uh, you want to work on the osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?
Elliot: Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that haz-mat bin: I work alone, and you have somebody's else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.
Charlie: Fine. I'll just go!
He makes a face and goes down the hall, leaving Elliot to pull at her wet lab coat.
She turns to see Charlie, making a scary face, right behind her.
She shrieks.
Charlie: YES! That is an intern in a bald cap.
Down the hall, the fake Charlie pulls his rubber cap off and waves maniacally.
Elliot: [Pitiful] I hate ya, Charlie.
Meanwhile...
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS
J.D. has his interns gathered in a huddle, all hands in.
J.D.: Hippocratic Oath on three! One, two, three!
All: [Hands in the air] "First do no harm"!
They split and go off to their work.
J.D.: There it is! All right, kick some ass today, guys! Except for Mr. Woodson in 302, he's got that rectal tear....
Dr. Kelso approaches.
Dr. Kelso: You seem to be developing quite the rapport with your interns.
J.D.: We even spent this weekend building a house for the homeless.
Dr. Kelso: How'd that go?
***FLASHBACK***
CONSTRUCTION SITE
J.D. seems to have designated himself as the only one allowed to use the power tools, with the others painting and holding lumber as he works a power saw. One of the interns, Rex, playfully splatters J.D. with his brush full of yellow paint. The interns laugh.
J.D.: [Feigning a smile] Rex...
To have his own fun, J.D. runs his power saw across Rex's neck tie and laughs.
Rex stands frozen as a stripe of blood begins dripping down his shirt.
***BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site?
Dr. Cox appears behind him.
Dr. Cox: I believe in team-building, too, Newbie. And I'd make my interns agree with me, but they're in a time-out right now because one of them used the phrase "let's rock and roll."
J.D. peers over at the corner where a small group of interns face the wall.
Dr. Kelso: Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap; and then when you're in a position of power, you do the same thing to them. It's inevitable! Like the tide, or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give some day at my son's big gay wedding. Mark my words: Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.
J.D.: Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight -- I gotta rock and roll.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Time lapse...
J.D. turns from his spot among the corner-standing interns.
J.D.: I'm an attending!
Dr. Cox: [Off screen] Tell it to the wall, Newbie!
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
SACRED HEART -- HALL
J.D. notices the Janitor and another maintenance engineer working on a light fixture.
J.D.: [Chuckling to himself] The answer's two.
Janitor: What?
J.D.: "How many janitors does it take to change a lightbulb?" "Two."
Janitor: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. Hank's an electrician. And you [taps J.D.'s chest with the bulb] are not funny.
J.D.: I'm very funny. Earlier, I made a k*ller "one-pump mocha" joke. Everybody laughed.
Janitor: I bet that nobody laughed, but you didn't notice that 'cause you were busy doing that cocky self-laugh thing you do when you think you're being funny.
***FLASHBACK***
ADMISSIONS -- EARLIER THAT DAY
J.D. has Turk and Cox as his audience.
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Heh heh heh....
Janitor's right -- nobody else laughed.
***BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: ...Heh heh heh.... Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch.
Follow to...
CAFETERIA
J.D. enters.
J.D.'s Narration: I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the Caf. And that meant one thing -- seventy-five hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup.
After eyeing the prized bottle, J.D. snatches it off Ted's table just as the poor guy's about to use it on his burger.
J.D. joins Carla, Turk, and Elliot at their table.
J.D.: Got the ketchup!
Turk: [Passing a plate] And here is your burger!
Elliot: Oh, frick, I forgot my burger!
She hops up from the table.
Turk: [Showing his double burger] No, she didn't!
He and J.D. snicker.
J.D.: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
Carla: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Turk: How'd we embarrass her?
Carla: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk fever"?
Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
J.D.: It's true -- I even had it.
Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?
There's a sound of frantic fabric manipulation, and suddenly J.D. and Turk share a wide shirt and labcoat -- one body and two heads.
Turk: You mean Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor? Bite, please.
J.D.: [Feeding the burger in his hand] Here it is.
Turk: [Takes a huge bite] Mmm.
J.D.: Mmmmm! That's headed right to our joint colon!
Carla: Yeah, I think I've made my point.
J.D.: [He and Turk making the same hand gestures] So, tell me something, Carla -- has she invited you to her new hospital?
J.D.
&: Hmmmmmm?
Turk
J.D.: Victory sip!
He takes a long drink from his cup.
Turk: [Refreshed] Ahhhh!
Dr. Cox: [Standing from his table] Daphne! Ketchup!
The Siamese Doctor tosses the bottle to him.
Jordan approaches Cox and Kelso's table.
Jordan: Is this seat taken?
Ted sneaks the ketchup bottle Cox has just procured off their table.
Dr. Kelso: Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
Ted immediately returns the bottle.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.
Jordan: Yeah...I usually pretend we're doing something else.
Dr. Kelso laughs. Jordan snickers and grabs the ketchup right out of Kelso's hand.
Dr. Cox
&: [Ted grinning over their shoulders] Dammit!
Dr. Kelso
Jordan brings her tray over to the next table, and takes Elliot's vacated seat.
Jordan: I am your new friend, so suck it!
J.D.: [Escaping] I gotta go talk to my boys!
Carla: [Escaping] Oh, and I have to go talk to Elliot.
Turk: No, wait, don't leave me!
Jordan: [To the trapped Turk] So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation...yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Gagh! Ah, it was good.
Turk: Okay...I'm just gonna...[crams his burger in his mouth].
J.D.: [Standing from his table] My boys need the ketchup!
Jordan hurls the bottle at him.
J.D. sits and suddenly has every burger at the table in front of him, waiting for sauce.
J.D.: That's a lotta boys.
Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.
He opens the bottle and dabs some onto Rex's burger.
Elliot: [Standing over by the counter] J.D.! Ketchup!
He hurls the bottle at her (miraculously, he had time to recap it).
Elliot: [Taking the cap in her teeth] Mm, I gotta get back to my hospital.
Carla: I was thinking maybe I'd come by there and visit you tomorrow.
Elliot: [Spitting out the cap] Tomorrow's not great...but we'll definitely do it sometime, you know, um, in the future. Heh.
Cut to...
NCUMC -- NURSES' STATION -- THE NEXT DAY
Elliot finds several of her coworkers listening to the visiting Carla.
Carla: So we were having Mexican food and we were drinking Margaritas, right--
Elliot: Carla? What are you doing here? Heh.
Carla: Hey, Elliot! Let me just finish telling them this story.
We were at this tiny little A.T.M. machine....
***FLASHBACK***
TINY LITTLE A.T.M. MACHINE
Carla and Elliot wait in line in the crowded area.
Elliot: [Gripping her abdomen] I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga! I have to...you know....
Carla: Huh?
Elliot: "Ffft ffft."
Carla: Ohh. Well, go for it. There's mostly guys here -- they'll never think it was you.
A high-pitched sound is heard, and Elliot sighs.
Guy: I think that blonde girl just farted.
***BACK TO PRESENT***
Carla and the nurses laugh.
Carla: Remember that, Elliot?
Elliot: [Mortified] Yeah...I remember. Ha ha.
===
SACRED HEART -- NURSES' STATION
Ted and Todd watch a couple of busty nurses chat.
Turk arrives.
Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd: Hey! They have names! [Pointing at each breast] Tina, Marge; Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.
Nurse Roberts: [Glancing over] Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.
Jordan arrives.
Jordan: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Oh, we were just....
In an instant, the Station clears out, and Turk finds himself abandoned again.
Turk: Guess they all had someplace to be!
Jordan: Just go!
Turk: [Running off] Okay!
A patient, Mr. Sam Thompson, comes out of his room and shuffles over to Jordan, pulling his IV along.
Mr. Thompson: Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter: I have had someone else's fingers in four -- count 'em, four -- different orifices today.
Jordan: Oh! Must be your birthday.
Meanwhile...
I.C.U. HALL
J.D. leads his interns through.
J.D.: Okay, g*ng, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan. His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!
The interns all laugh, and they go off towards Radiology. J.D. titters with laughter.
Once they've cleared, one lonely intern is left -- the Janitor dressed in blue scrubs.
Janitor: [Marking his chart] Not funny.
J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher -- I'm not prepared to operate on anyone!
J.D.: Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?
Janitor: Wake up and smell the third floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years! Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
He points to Dr. Kelso and Dr. Johnson (the dermatologist) walking past together.
Dr. Kelso: I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
Dr. Johnson laughs raucously, continuing until he's exited Kelso's vicinity.
Follow to...
MAIN HALL
Dr. Johnson steps in with the passing Nurse Roberts.
Dr. Johnson: I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.
Nurse Roberts laughs raucously.
Dr. Johnson: Aw, yeah!
Cut to...
CAFETERIA
Nurse Roberts enters, falling in step with one of the workers.
Nurse Roberts: I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
The cafeteria worker laughs raucously.
Cut to...
HOSPITAL EXTERIOR
The cafeteria worker comes out, stopping to drop some change into the cup of a bum sitting against the wall with his dog.
Cafeteria Worker: I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough!
Bum: [While she walks off] Heh heh, funny!
[To the dog] You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl!
The dog barks raucously.
Bum: Heh, I know.
Nearby, J.D. and the Janitor watch.
Janitor: You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.
J.D.: That dog just laughed at a pun.
===
MR. THOMPSON'S ROOM
Jordan leans against the doorframe with a mug of coffee in hand, as Mr. Thompson climbs back into his bed.
Mr. Thompson: [Wincing] Ooooh, not gonna lie to you, that hurts -- not gonna lie, that hurts! [Instantly brightens] Tell me about your kid.
Jordan: Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?
Mr. Thompson: As a parent myself, I can read the signs, you know? And let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying.
She takes a look at her mug, which proudly displays a photo of her son and the words "Jack's Mom."
Jordan: Ahh.
Meanwhile...
I.C.U.
Turks looks in to Mr. Thompson's room through the observation window.
Turk: How do I know that guy?
Dr. Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Turk: Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow, that's good.
Dr. Cox: Eh, I'm tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he's here to remove your goatee.
Meanwhile...
MR. THOMPSON'S ROOM
Jordan: So, what do you have -- a boy or a girl?
Mr. Thompson: I have a little girl. I don't get to see her often enough. Uh...see, uh, I don't know, a few years ago I had a little, uhh, business problem.
Jordan: What was your business?
Mr. Thompson: Import-Export. Yeah, I would import heroin into my bloodstream, I would export vomit and urine into whatever alley would have me as a guest. [Chuckles.]
Jordan: [Looks off, smiling.] Oh! Sorry, that's a little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.
Mr. Thompson: [Pauses uncomfortably.] Anyway, the thing is, it's--it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday, and, uh, I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it. It's, uh, it's hard to get a job, you know? Money's tight, I've got hospital bills that I can't pay...[laughs miserably and grips face]
Jordan: Sam, I am so sorry.
Mr. Thompson: Yeah....
Meanwhile...
I.C.U.
Turk: I know who he is!
***FLASHBACK***
"MY MOMENT OF UN-TRUTH" -- I.C.U.
Elliot is with Mr. Thompson.
Elliot: One little problem....
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the dr*gs! 'Kay, lady!? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle!
***BACK TO PRESENT***
Turk: That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds!
Suddenly the observation window has the attention of the entire group behind the Nurses' Station desk.
Nurse Roberts: It just got interesting, people!
Meanwhile...
HALL
J.D. walks through.
J.D.'s Narration: The Janitor was wrong! My interns weren't laughing at my jokes because I'm their boss! It made me think about how some people don't wanna just open the door, walk in, and see the truth.
He kicks open a door to a room that fades into...
NCUMC -- ELLIOT'S OFFICE
Carla follows Elliot in.
Elliot: Why did you come here, Carla?
Carla: You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?
Nurse: [Sticking her head in] Hey, Bankfarter! If you want, we're all going down for lunch?
Elliot: [To Carla] You tell me.
J.D.'s Narration: After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.
Elliot opens her drapes which fade into...
SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. -- MR. THOMPSON'S OBSERVATION WINDOW
Turk points in to the room where Jordan is deep in conversation with Mr. Thompson.
Turk: That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital.
We've gotta warn her. [Knocks on the glass] Jordan!
A finger is hooked into his mouth, pulling him down.
Turk: Whoa!
When Jordan spins around to look, the audience behind the Nurses' Station goes back to work. She turns back to her conversation.
Dr. Cox and Turk are crouched below the window frame.
Dr. Cox: [Hushed] She wanted to work here! So let her see what it's like to work here! And for God's sake, will you be a man!
He crawls over to a supply cabinet and opens the door, which fades into...
I.C.U. -- WARD
J.D. enters.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was. Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.
He approaches Turk, who hops to his feet.
J.D.: How funny is this joke: "That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a 'threemor'!" Heh heh heh....
One of the interns exits a nearby room and passes.
Keith: [Laughs] "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr. D.!
Turk: Awful. Awful. Awful!
===
COMMERCIALS
===
SACRED HEART -- DOCTORS' LOUNGE
J.D. paces before his gathered interns who are seated around the room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, be cool. They're just kids. ...Except Gloria. What is her deal?
The silver-haired intern waves at him.
J.D.: Okay, guys, let's talk for a second as equals. All right? Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag...[he does so]. I'm not a doctor right now.
Lisa: You're still wearing scrubs.
J.D. rips his scrub top off.
Rex: We are in a hospital, man.
Cut to...
SACRED HEART EXTERIOR -- FRONT GATE
J.D. has brought all his interns out here. The security guard closes the gate behind them.
J.D.: Okay, we're off the property. Now let's talk.
Jason: Shouldn't we wait for Gloria?
Gloria waves at them from across the lot as she slowly walks towards them.
Gloria: Coming!
J.D.: We'll catch her up later. Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest. I promise absolutely no ramifications.
Keith: Well, we've been kind of fake-laughing.
J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.
Keith: Look! Your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh you pick me to do procedures!
J.D.: Unbelievable. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical.
Talk about your Mission: Impossibles. Heh heh heh heh heh heh....
Per their orders, no one laughs. Including the security guard -- er, Janitor dressed like a security guard.
Janitor: Case closed.
J.D.: What is it with you and the costumes today!?
Janitor: I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.
Gloria: [Approaches J.D. with a smile] I'm...I'm here!
J.D.: [Sotto voce] Gloria....
===
NCUMC -- ELLIOT'S OFFICE
Elliot takes a seat across from the couch where Carla is sitting.
Elliot: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because...well.... Look, there's so much great about you -- you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
Carla: Elliot? Bring it.
Elliot: You're a bit of a gossip.
Carla: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
Elliot: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Carla: "Bankfarter"'s not so bad. It sounds German!
Elliot: Oh, verdammt noch mal. Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!
Subtitle: Don't make fun of my people, Carla!
Elliot's Fellowship Director comes in.
Fellowship Director: Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I. He basically cured the disease.
Elliot: How did he have any time to work when he was always torturing me!?
Fellowship Director: Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.
He leaves.
Elliot: Frick. Frick frick frick frick frick frick! [b*ating chair] Frickity frick frick frick! ...Frick.
===
SACRED HEART -- MR. THOMPSON'S ROOM
The man is finishing dressing. Jordan comes in and closes the door.
Jordan: I'm not sure how people go about doing these things...[produces a fan of cash] but here. You should be there for your daughter's birthday.
Mr. Thompson: I can't take that.
Jordan: Come on...I can't even Botox an ear with this.
Cut to...
OBSERVATION WINDOW
Dr. Cox notices the gift giving going on inside.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver. [Thompson does so.] Then he goes right to the Look Away. [Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder.] He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain! [Thompson's body shudders.] And then finally, he squeezes out one single...tear [mock cries and leads the applause]....
The Nurses' Station audience joins in with impressed clapping, except for Turk.
Inside, Jordan gives the sobbing Mr. Thompson a warm, comforting hug.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality cr*ck Addict Theatre!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: [Pauses painting her toenails] Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
===
ROOF
J.D. has his interns up here.
J.D.: This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again! Remove your blindfolds, please.
The poor things remove their blindfolds to find themselves lined up on the ledge.
J.D.: See your death. [Pushes Lisa off.]
Lisa: [Falling] Waaaah!
J.D.: See your death. [Pushes Jason off.]
Jason: [Falling] Waaaaaaaaahhhh!
J.D.: See your death! [Pushes Rex off.]
Rex: [Falling] Aaaaagh!
J.D.: Keeeeith. Don't worry, buddy, we're cool!
Keith: Really?
J.D.: Noo! See your death! [Shoves Keith off.]
Keith: [Falling] NOOO! But I look up to yoooooouuuuuu!
***BACK TO REALITY***
ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK
Yep, it was just a fantasy. J.D. snaps out of it and glares at his interns who are goofing around with each other at the other end of the desk.
J.D.: Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work?
They quickly disperse, leaving Gloria with her head resting on the desk.
J.D.: And for God's sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?
Keith gives her a quick tap. She wakes up and waves a J.D.
J.D.: Okay, enough waving. You wave too much -- you abuse waving. Go.
Dr. Kelso comes up behind him.
Dr. Kelso: There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ahhh.
He leaves. Gloria waves once more.
J.D.'s Thoughts: [Glaring] Gloria....
===
NCUMC -- ELLIOT'S OFFICE
Carla watches Elliot take an anatomical model off a shelf and drop it into a box.
Elliot: I can't believe I don't have a job!
Carla: Is that even yours?
Elliot: I need your support right now, Carla!
Carla...you cannot tell Turk and J.D. about this until I get back on my feet again.
Carla: Why? They'll just feel bad for you.
Elliot: No, they'll be merciless. Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.
Carla looks terrified. She stiffly walks out.
Cut to...
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS
In the same state, Carla enters. She passes Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Where've you been?
Carla: Nowhere!
She passes a couple of doctors.
Dr. Mickhead: What're you doing?
Carla: Nothing!
She passes the Janitor.
Janitor: How's Blonde Doctor?
Carla: Cheese!
She passes Nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: What's the dish?
Carla: I gotta go!
She starts back out the front door, but Turk grabs her.
Turk: Hey!
Carla: [Instinctively fighting] No hablo Inglés!
Turk: Oh my God, you got that little bit of saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!
Carla: No, I don't.
Turk: Here it comes! [Waits for her to cr*ck.] YES!
Carla: Oh, okay, here's the scoop!
Turk: [Puts his arm around her and leads her inside] Yes, here is the scoop, indeed.
Carla: You gotta promise not to tell.
Turk: I know....
Time Lapse...
THE NEXT MORNING
Jordan enters, passing a familiar-looking man who is handcuffed to his seat next to a cop. He has his face buried in the cop's shoulder.
Jordan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Mr. Thompson: [Looks up] Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story -- I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh [wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]!
Dr. Kelso: [Approaching] Jordan. Uh, this is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well.
[Turns to the desk] Turkleton? You've dealt with him before --
Mr. Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: -- why didn't you tell her?
Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
Cox glares at Turk. Jordan and Kelso glare at Cox.
Dr. Cox: [To Turk, through his plastered grin] This is gonna cost you.
Turk: Get off my back, I'm not in the mood.
J.D. lunges at Turk, throwing him over his shoulder and running out.
Turk: Oh!
Cut to...
BAR
J.D. drops Turk in front of Carla.
J.D.: Say it again!
Turk: "Get off my back, I'm not in the mood"?
J.D.: [Points at Carla] That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom! [Laughs.]
The boys take a seat at the table as Elliot comes in and does likewise.
Elliot: Okay, I'm sure you know about it -- go ahead, take your sh*ts.
Turk: You've got bug eyes.
J.D.: Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.
Elliot: That's...all that you have to say?
The guys nod.
Carla
&: Excuse us.
Elliot
Cut to...
BAR PARKING LOT
The two girls run out.
Elliot: Oh my God! You kept a secret!
Carla: I know! I almost told them, too, but I didn't...because I love you.
Elliot: I love you, too!
They jump up and down and squeal.
Carla: Oh! [Digs in her pocket] Uh, I...I had to tell Turk something, so...you smoke a pipe now.
She gives it to Elliot.
Elliot: Huh! Coolio!
They run back inside.
Cut to...
BAR
The girls come back to their table to find J.D. and Turk dressed in a giant red sweater, their arms crossed and sighing wistfully.
Carla: What's wrong?
Turk
&: Well --
J.D.
J.D.: -- we were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but then Turk started getting on my case about my interns!
Turk: He's mad because they're sucking up to him. And I was sayin', Dude, that's the exact same thing you did with Dr. Cox.
J.D.: You know what? Put our right hand in front of your face. [Turk does so.] Now talk to it!
Turk sh**t him a look.
Elliot: [Gesturing authoritatively with her pipe] J.D., he's right. If you want to be a jerk attending, too, go ahead. But don't do it because they resent you -- that's not fair.
Turk: Dude, get up -- I gotta go to the bathroom.
They get up and coordinate their three legs to walk to the back.
J.D.'s Narration: As I went to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies, I thought about the different methods people use to teach.
"Sooner or Later" by Michael Tolcher begins.
Cut to...
SACRED HEART -- I.C.U.
Jordan stands in front of Mr. Thompson's observation window, staring at him.
♪ Save your questions without answers till you're old enough to know
things ain't as they appear ♪
Dr. Cox comes up next to her.
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or skip the middleman altogether and actually give him narcotics. So I went ahead and brought your A.T.M. card and a, uh, heroin sandwich.
[He takes both out of his pockets, and takes a bite of the sandwich.]
[Mouth full] It's not heroin -- it's smoked turkey.
Jordan: [Turns from the window] So you thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit. Is that it?
Carla: [Passing] So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.
Nurse Roberts: [Passing] When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids? Last time I ever saw that hotrod.
She passes Turk and J.D.
Turk: Remember that meningitis patient who stole your identity?
J.D.: Darryl! He's cool -- from now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies!
Jordan turns to Cox.
Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!
Jordan: [Cuddles up to him] Thank you!
They kiss.
J.D.'s Narration: I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.
Cut to...
CAFETERIA -- LATER
J.D. stops in front of the table where his interns are goofing off.
They stop.
Jason: Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back!
They instantly laugh raucously.
J.D.: [Amid their laughter] And you know what, I liked it when you waved, you were always waving. That was nice. Why don't all of you just wave!
They continue laughing, and all wave at him.
J.D.: All right.
He continues on to his table with Carla, Turk, and Nurse Roberts.
J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, you can deal with anything, as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with.
Jordan stops in front of them with her tray, a hopeful look of her face.
♪ So it all works out in the end
You're just like us without a friend ♪
Turk pushes the free chair out for her.
Jordan: [Taking a seat] Hey, guys. What's going on?
J.D.'s Narration: I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own....
Meanwhile...
PARK BENCH
Elliot peers over the shoulder of the man on the bench next to her, trying to read his newspaper.
Elliot: Hmm! [The man gets up.] Excuse me, um, can I please borrow your Help Wanted section? [He hands it to her.] Thank you!
She puffs away at her pipe as she pores over the ads.
♪ Now you learn the hard way...
Yeah, now you learn the hard way ♪
Fade to Black