Half-Acre. J.D. and Julie sit on the deck.
J.D.'s Narration: Behold Julie Quinn. Ahhhh. We fell for each other so quickly, we decided to buy some property together, and built a deck on it.
(Camera zooms out to show J.D. and Julie sitting on a front porch, but there is no house.)
J.D.: To our half-acre.
(They toast with lemonade.)
Julie: Hey, look, the Clarks are home.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, the Clarks felt that if we weren't building a house, we weren't technically their neighbors.
J.D. & Julie: [in unison] Hey, Clarks!
Mr. Clark: Go to hell!
J.D.: OK! Hey, Buzz, I'm gonna b*at you in poker next time!
J.D.'s Narration: The Morgans on the other side were much friendlier. But I don't think we're gonna have them over again.
(Flashback: The Morgans, J.D., and Julie are on the deck.)
J.D.: Hi.
Mr. Morgan: Y'all are a cute couple.
Julie: Thanks.
Mr. Morgan: Wanna buy a baby?
J.D.: Oooh, sweetie!
Julie: No.
J.D.: I'm sorry, no thank you.
Mr. Morgan: I'll throw in a crib.
J.D.: Throwing in a crib.
(End flashback.)
J.D.'s Narration: It didn't matter, because I was happy to look out at my beautiful half-acre with my sweet, but klutzy gal.
(Julie leans back to finish her lemonade and topples backwards off the back off the deck.)
J.D.: You OK, buttercup?
Julie: The glass broke in my mouth.
(Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Kelso storms down the hallway.)
J.D.'s Narration: Turk and I had discovered a new way to deal with Kelso's bad moods.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, people, if you can't fill out your patients' insurance forms, then...
Turk: Spoonful of peanut butter, sir?
(Dr. Kelso snatches the spoon from Turk and eats the peanut butter.)
J.D.'s Narration: It usually bought us a few minutes of peace. But then Carla said something that deeply disturbs every man on God's green earth.
Carla: I just got my period.
(All the men present shudder and groan in disgust.)
Carla: This really sucks. I've been trying to get pregnant for two months now.
J.D.: I almost bought a baby yesterday.
Carla: What?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't tell them, in case you want it later!
J.D.: Nothing.
(J.D. exits.)
Turk: Don't worry about it, baby, we'll just keep trying. Remember that magazine article I read about how important it is for a man to have a high-protein diet?
Carla: Turk, for the last time, you are not eating ribs while we do it.
Turk: You never let me have no fun!
(Turk exits.)
Janitor: You know, I'm not gonna have a kid until that genetic technology they've been talking about is available for everyone.
Carla: So you'd want to pick the sex and eye color?
Janitor: No. Gills. When that day comes it's goodbye, hospital, hello father-son treasure hunting team.
Carla: Wow. Well, you better get cracking. What are you, like, 45?
Janitor: 43. I know I look a little older, but that's because I drink and smoke heavily, and work with chemicals, and sleep on my face.
Carla: No hard feelings?
Janitor: All right.
(Carla exits.)
Janitor: [to himself] I swear on my unborn fish-boy's life, she will pay.
(Dr. Kelso finishes his spoonful of peanut butter.)
Dr. Kelso: I need some milk.
(Cut to hallway.)
Orderly: Yo, Glass Man!
J.D.: What's Glass Man?
Turk: It's a basketball thing, I'm a great rebounder.
J.D.: You know who else is a great rebounder? Dr. Mickhead.
(Dr. Mickhead is sitting with a nurse on his lap.)
J.D.: His wife was k*lled on Saturday.
Dr. Mickhead: Hey, guys.
Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Hey, Mickhead!
Turk: The police cleared him yet?
J.D.: He's still a person of interest.
J.D.'s Narration: There was sexual energy everywhere.
(Cut to another hallway.)
J.D.'s Narration: For the women, it was because of the dashing new gynecologist, Dr. Matthews.
(Dr. Matthews walks by the Nurses' Station as the nurses watch, biting pencils in half.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, why would you need seven pap smears in one month?
Jordan: I got a lot of pap. Move your head so I can see.
(She shoves Dr. Cox out of the way and stares at Dr. Matthews.)
(Cut to another hallway.)
J.D.'s Narration: And for the men, there was a new, sexy Latina nurse: Nurse Martinez.
(Nurse Martinez walks down the hall, followed by several orderlies making dirty gestures.)
Nurse Martinez: Would you guys stop doing that?
J.D.'s Narration: Yep, there was eye candy for all. And only one thing could upset this delicate balance.
Janitor: Wow. She looks like a young Carla.
(Carla turns around. The room darkens, and Carla's eyes glow white. She rises off the ground, causes a whirlwind around her and lets out an otherworldly shriek in a fit similar to Storm of the X-Men. Dr. Kelso, Janitor, Turk and J.D. scream in fright. Her shriek causes all the glass in the room to shatter, finishing with Turk shattering into pieces like glass.)
J.D.: That's why they call him the glass man.
Elliot's apartment. Elliot is eating cereal, and there is a ruckus coming from J.D.'s bedroom.
J.D.'s Narration: Julie and I had overslept. We didn't have time for our usual seven minutes of love-making, so we had to fake it.
(Cut to J.D.'s bedroom. J.D. and Julie are banging on the wall with their fists.)
Julie: Ohh, yeah! Don't stop!
J.D.: Pull my hair! Whee!
Julie: Shut up and take it, you stupid bitch!
J.D.: OK, we can stop there. Um, now it's time to ring the sex gong.
Julie: What?
J.D.: Uh, Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown. We're supposed to ring them whenever each one of us gets lucky. And even though I don't live with him anymore, I like to think that somewhere, somehow he hears it and it makes him happy.
Julie: That's so funny.
(Julie rings the gong. Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment. Turk is on the couch, eating cereal and he hears a gong.)
Turk: Yeah, buddy! Ha ha! That's my dog.
(Cut to Hospital Admissions Area. Elliot and J.D. enter.)
J.D.: Hope my gong wasn't too loud for you this morning. I know it can be. It's a loud gong! I mean, it's like, gonnggg!
Elliot: J.D., I knew you were faking it because at the end you didn't say "bombs away."
J.D.: How could I forget my sexiest move?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Great, now Julie thinks I'm lame, and weird and pathetic.
Elliot: J.D., she likes you. Just do yourself a favor and stay out of your head for once.
J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, from this moment on, I am officially out of my head.
Carla's Thoughts: Ugh, I'm an old hag. I mean look at her, everything's so tight and perky. Come on, Carla, it's not her fault. Just do what you always do and turn the other cheek. And quietly spread the rumor that she's a guy.
(Turk enters.)
Carla: Hey, Turk, guess what.
Turk: She's not a guy, honey. Besides, "young Carla" is a compliment.
Carla: Really? So how would you feel if said, "hey, it's skinny Turk?"
Carla's Thought's: And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
J.D.: Don't listen to her, brown bear, your body is fierce!
Turk: Is it?
J.D.: Like Taye Diggs'!
Turk: Taye Diggs.
(Turk and J.D. exit.)
Carla's Narration: Luckily, I had a best friend, too.
Elliot: So, uh, what did "her" name used to be?
Carla: Hm, how about Alberto?
Elliot: I'll spread the word.
Carla: [to herself] Alberto.
(Cut to cafeteria.)
Turk: So when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so I don't mess this relationship up.
Turk: I don't understand.
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Julie: Did you know J.D.'s parents thought he was going to be a girl? They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was three years old they called him Joanna.
Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this.
(Dr. Cox kisses Julie on the forehead. Cut to hallway. Dr. Mickhead gives Julie a hammer.)
Dr. Mickhead: So what do you think?
Julie: Sure, I guess I can hide this in my basement for you.
Dr. Mickhead: OK, great, great.
(J.D. enters, takes the hammer from Julie and wipes it clean with his shirt.)
J.D.: You know what, let's just give that back. Thanks, nice to see you Mickhead.
(J.D. takes Julie away, whispering something to her. Julie looks back at Dr. Mickhead, shocked. Cut to another hallway.)
Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D. So it's going to take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: Uh, J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
(Billy Dee Williams enters.)
Billy Dee Williams: Yeah, Julie's a great girl.
Turk: YAAAAHHAAHAAAA HHAAHAAA! Lando Calrissian! Come here!
(Turk hugs Billy Dee Williams.)
Billy Dee Williams: Oh, you can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.
(Cut to a trendy bar.)
Elliot: Look, Julie, you already won Carla and me over because you're nice to J.D. And you won Jordan over because you bought the first round.
(Carla enters with a round of sh*ts.)
Carla: I got lemon drops!
Elliot: Oh, Carla, the last time I did one of those I agreed to go on a date with a chick in my Art History class. Mm-mm.
Jordan: Yeah, can we go somewhere less college-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school.
Carla: We aren't too old to hang out here. Come on.
(Elliot gives an iffy wave.)
Elliot: Mmmm...
Carla's Thoughts: OK, time to dial up the Spanish. That always makes them feel guilty that they haven't spent more time around minorities.
Carla: Come on, mis amigas, we don't have to vámonos, pretty please?
Jordan: All right.
Julie: All right.
Elliot: Let's do it.
Carla: To being young!
(They toast with the sh*ts. Scene changes to later in the evening. The table is full of empty sh*t glasses and drink glasses. Carla is slurring her speech. Jordan is passed out on her barstool. Elliot is chatting up another girl.)
Carla: You guys, for real, you're my best friends.
Elliot: So, Carol, did you like jazz?
Carol: Ha ha, yeah!
Elliot: How much?
(Cut to cafeteria. Dr. Cox enters with Turk and J.D.)
Dr. Cox: Aaand, look what we have here. It is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
Julie: Good morning!
Dr. Cox: ...the slightly older...
Elliot: Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: ...the slightly older still...
Carla: [gibberish]
Dr. Cox: ...and lastly, the very, very, very old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakable. Witness:
(Dr. Cox begins shaking Jordan.)
Dr. Cox: Jordaroo! Jordalicious! Jordaroni! Uh-huh.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
J.D.: Ha! We'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen. How very generous.
Julie: That's so funny!
J.D.: Yeah.
(Turk and J.D. go to the coffee machine)
Turk: Dude, Julie's awesome.
J.D.: Doesn't it bother you that she never laughs at anything?
Turk: What do you mean?
J.D.: I mean when something's funny she never laughs. She just says "that's so funny." It's kind of annoying.
(Cut to doctor's lounge.)
Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you. This is a safe space. But you are such a commit-ophobe. Every time you date a girl with actual potential, you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Mini McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumple Fugly, I'm forgetting someone.
Carla's Thought's: Oh, my God, Turk, if you forget Elliot, she's going to cry.
(Elliot is fighting back tears.)
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?
(Carla nods towards Elliot.)
Turk: Heidi Horseface!
Elliot: [near tears] Me! Turk, she is talking about me. OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt.
Elliot: Really? Ha! Sorry, Turk.
Carla: J.D. There's somebody else here who wants to say something.
Billy Dee Williams: Hey, don't mess this up, man. Be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouths] Lando.
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap, but darn it all, you've finally found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up J.D., or you're going to end up where you always do. Lying on that couch in the fetal position, wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd -- she'd agree. Aw, now who put that fake arrow through her head? Huh? Which one of you? [pause] It was me. I did it.
(Cut to Half-Acre. J.D. is preparing a barbeque.)
J.D.: I gotta get cooking. People are going to be here for this barbeque any second.
Julie: So your friends really like me?
J.D.: They're crazy about you. They're worried I'm gonna mess this whole thing up.
Julie: Nah. You're not gonna be a jerk and do something like that, are you?
J.D.: The only jerk around here is the spicy marinade on this Jamaican chicken, mon.
Julie: That's so funny.
J.D.: It is, Julie, it -- it is. Why do you always do that?
Julie: Do what?
J.D.: Well you never laugh when something's funny. You just say "that's so funny."
Julie: Does that bother you?
(J.D. gives her an embarrassed smile. Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Carla and Dr. Kelso are in the room.)
Janitor: Don't mean to bother anybody. I'm just showing Nurse Martinez here around the hospital. That is our Chief of Medicine, that is a patient, and that is you in twenty years. OK, let's go look at dead people.
(Janitor and Nurse Martinez exit.)
Carla: That nurse makes me feel so damn old.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, calm down, Nurse Espinosa. I have it on good authority that she's a dude.
Carla: I made that stuff up.
Dr. Kelso: Then it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
Mrs. Wilk: Sweetie, you're not old. You don't have crows feet, your bra size hasn't gone from a 34B to a 40 long, and you don't have arthritis. Neither do I, but that's how it gets you.
Carla's Narration: And then Mrs. Wilk said something that really surprised me.
Mrs. Wilk: I mean, it's not like you're trying to get pregnant and you can't.
Carla: Actually, I am.
Mrs. Wilk: Oh.
(Cut to Half-Acre. Carla, Turk and Elliot have joined J.D. and Julie for the barbeque.)
Carla's Narration: Of course, none of us were surprised that J.D. made this happen.
Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush, crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything.
(Elliot and Carla go to talk to Julie.)
J.D.: You know what's interesting, Turk? She's not saying "that's so sad," she's actually crying.
Turk: You're an idiot.
J.D.: Yes, I am.
Admissions Area.
Carla's Thoughts: I tried, but I just couldn't get babies off my mind.
(Carla's fantasy. She sees everyone in the admissions area in diapers.)
J.D.: Excuse me, fellas, gotta take a whiz. Wait a minute, why am I rushing? [pause] All right.
(End fantasy. Carla walks over to J.D.)
Carla: You're disgusting.
(Carla exits)
J.D.: She's right. I am disgusting. I am disgustingly incapable of carrying on a relationship with someone I actually like. I mean, I apologized to her, so I think we're cool for now, but it won't last. Every time she says "that's so funny" it's - it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Turk: Well you're just too picky about women.
J.D.: You used to be the same way. Somehow you got over it and now you're married.
Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you.
J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney the snapper?
Turk: Ugh.
(Flashback. Turk's dorm room in college.)
Turk: Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for dinner tonight.
Whitney: And for dessert, you're going to get a little Whitney a la mode.
(Whitney snaps her fingers on "a la mode")
Turk: Get out.
(End flashback.)
Turk: It's...too much.
(Cut to Dr. Matthews' office lobby.)
Elliot: Carla, you've only been off the pill for two months. Why are you getting a fertility test?
Carla's Thoughts: Because I'm old and the crock pot is on the fritz.
Carla: No reason.
Nurse: Carla Espinosa?
Carla: Yes?
Nurse: Dr. Matthews will see you now.
(Carla gets up, but Elliot pulls her back down.)
Elliot: Oh! OK, he is super cute, so do not look into his eyes. You could get lost.
Carla: I'll be fine.
Elliot: Ask him if he remembers me from my pelvic exam! Ask him!
(Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.)
Julie: I made popcorn!
(She slips and falls over, dropping the bowl.)
J.D.: You OK, sweetness?
Julie: I'll go make some more.
J.D.: All right. [to Turk] Why are we watching a movie again?
Turk: It's called immersion therapy. What we're about to watch is going to make her say "that's so funny" so many times that eventually it's not going to bother you anymore.
J.D.: But how can you guarantee that she's going to laugh at this movie?
Turk: I can't. But Uncle Buck can.
(Scene changes to later. Turk, J.D. and Julie are watching the movie.)
Julie: That's so funny. That's so funny. Look how big that pancake is, that's so funny.
J.D.: [whispering, in agony] Make. Her. Stop.
Julie: That's so funny.
J.D. Uhhhhhh!
(Cut to Dr. Matthews' office.)
Carla's Thoughts: This guy's not that hot.
Dr. Matthews: Well, you've only been trying for two months, so I don't think you need to worry about a fertility test yet. Unless, of course, you're over 35.
Carla's Thoughts: Well, buddy, I'm 36 and OK with it.
Dr. Matthews: So how old are you?
(Dr. Matthews' and Carla's eyes meet. Dr. Matthews starts glowing.)
Carla's Thoughts: Ravish me!
Carla: I'm 29.
Dr. Matthews: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of 29 year-olds lately.
Carla: Oh, my God, really?
Dr. Matthews: Like her.
(Jordan is standing at the door, wearing a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails.)
Jordan: Call me JJ.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
J.D.: The immersion therapy didn't work.
Turk: Dude, relax. I was a Psych minor in college. The next time she says "that's so funny," I want you to pretend she says "that's so money."
J.D.: Oooh. I like that.
Turk: Yeah. It's called a word replacement...ism.
Dr. Cox: This is the dumbest conversation I've ever heard.
Dr. Kelso: You should hear this one.
Elliot: Oh, I remember my first exam with Dr. Matthews. He said "you're very healthy down there." And then I said "right back at'cha." And then there was this weird, little awkward pause, so I said "well, I like to keep a clean shop," and then he asked to see my insurance card. So how did your fertility test go?
Carla: He said everything's A-OK.
Dr. Kelso & Dr. Cox: [in unison] Oh, that's bull!
Turk: Excuse me, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I was talking to these ladies.
Dr. Cox: I was talking to you ladies. Newbie, listen to me. You never stop being annoyed by the little things, ever. Take, uh, take Gandhi, here. Your wife is the bossiest women I've ever met. You're trying to tell me that you're not bothered by that anymore?
Turk: Sometimes I watch Roots to remind myself how good I have it.
J.D.: Me too.
Dr. Cox: Everyone is annoying. I mean, take -- take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month.
(Jordan enters, still wearing her schoolgirl outfit.)
Jordan: I'm saving my breast exam for when you go away next month.
(Jordan exits.)
Dr. Cox: Upsetting, but we persevere. Bottom line, there's no such thing as a perfect person. You, tell her.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
Turk: All right, if you've found someone who makes you happy just sitting around holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.
(Turk pats J.D. on the shoulder. J.D. takes Turk's hand and moans.)
Turk: Dude, not me.
J.D.: I know.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I know you didn't take that fertility test. People think I am some clueless old geezer, but nothing that happens in these hallways gets by me.
(Two police officers carry a struggling Dr. Mickhead away.)
Dr. Mickhead: It wasn't me! I didn't do it!
Carla: It's just that if I take that fertility test and I found out that I missed my window to have a kid, I'll never forgive myself.
Dr. Kelso: If you're worried about your biological legacy, as the father of a son who not only wrote a musical based on my life but is currently shacked up with the actor playing me, honestly, sweetheart, it's not all it's cracked up to be. But I know you. You'll find out eventually. So why don't you just turn around and tell him?
Carla: Oh. Dr. Matthews? I'm 36.
Dr. Matthews: Oh. Well let's get you that fertility test.
Carla: OK.
Carla's Thoughts: Here goes nothing.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment.)
J.D.: Ha ha. One-a-day vitamins. I'll tell you how they could double their profits: Two-a-day vitamins.
Julie: That's so funny! I'm sorry I said "that's so funny," I know that drives you crazy.
J.D.: You know what? I really couldn't care less.
Julie: So what do we do now?
J.D.: I don't know. I mean, we already got the half-acre, right? And I imagine we'll eventually be able to build a house on it, and a little backyard, room for a slip and slide for our kids, Gilligan and The Skipper. I know, I'm sorry, I gotta do it, I lost a bet to Turk. And I don't want to rush things, but I feel good about this. I don't know, I feel like you and I could go the distance.
Julie: Um, actually I meant what do you want to order from take-out for dinner?
J.D.: Oh. Tapas.
Julie: I love tapas.
J.D.: Great for sharing.
Julie: Sharing is fun.
J.D.: I love it. Just share and...
Julie: Share.
J.D.: So you really don't think about that kind of stuff?
Julie: J.D., I'm only 23, and I don't even know if I want any of that stuff, and certainly not for the five or ten years.
J.D.: You know what? We've just started dating, so I have a feeling this conversation goes down a really bad road. Why don't we just say we're never going to talk about it ever again, OK?
Julie: OK.
J.D.: OK.
Julie: OK. Whew.
J.D.: OK. So you really feel that way?
(Cut to doctor's lounge. J.D. is lying in the fetal position on the couch.)
J.D.: So here I am again. I can't believe I broke up with her. Why do I keep doing this?
Elliot: J.D., this was totally different. You didn't break up with her because she said "that's so funny," or because she was like Mini McSkinny and singing Christmas carols in the summertime.
J.D.: It was August! The weather was far from frightful!
Turk: You broke up with her for a real reason. Right, Carla?
Carla: Definitely.
Carla's Thoughts: Oh, my God, what did I just agree to? All I can think about is getting my test results back. I have to get out of my head. Just say something positive.
Carla: She's a keeper, J.D.! You'll never do better.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess it's in our nature to think about the future. Especially if our dreams might not come true.
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Carla is on the phone.)
Carla: Thanks. Thanks, Dr. Matthews, that's great news!
(Carla hangs up.)
Carla: Turk!
Turk: Yeah, baby?
Carla: Get over here.
(Cut to half-acre. J.D is on the deck. He hears a gong.)
J.D.: Yeah, buddy!
J.D.'s Narration: As for my future, I had finally gotten to the place where I was looking for the right person. And I knew she was out there. Even if I couldn't quite see her yet.
(J.D. spots a lady in the distance. She turns around, but the camera goes out of focus before we can see her face.)