09x14 - The Two Nieces Of Eve

[bunniefuu]

Hey, there's more chamomile tea if you want some.

Uh, actually I moved to beer.

But I-I'll compromise with you...

I can drink it hot.

- Have you got a-a text or anything from Eve?

- Well, uh, yeah.

- The good news is she's close.

- Good.

The bad news is she has to be back on the base on Saturday.

What?

You know what, we could just write the Air Force a note, like we did when she was in high school.

I know, it's so unfair.

We haven't seen her since forever.

And at first it was gonna be five days and then it was four, and now we-we've lost one of those.

Well, I guess we're just gonna do more with less.

And by that, I mean more of my stuff and less of yours.

Oh, I just want to hold her.

You know, I've done the math, and she owes me hugs and four "I love yous".

- 'Cause, you know, she gives those less often, so...

- Yeah.

I actually have to ask her to stop saying it.

It gets so embarrassing.

Look, don't think you're gonna keep her all to yourself.

We all want to spend time with her, including her two nieces.

They're toddlers.

Kids don't really get interesting till they're around seven years old.

And then you become fascinating.

Yeah, you're riveting.

Just relax.

Plenty of time to spend with the girls.

I'm a grown man.

I know how to share.

At ease, civilians.

Oh!

Hey!

- Hey, old man.

- Hey.

How are you?

- Out of the way, get out of the way!

- Ah, hey!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

Wow, it's gonna be a long weekend, isn't it?

Yeah, by the time you're done

- you're gonna be a panini.

- Okay, I just...

♪ ♪ (SIGHS)

- Ooh, good morning!

- Ugh...

Oh, and another Mom hug.

How many are we up to now?

Well, it doesn't matter, because I am just gonna

- keep raising the limit.

- Okay.

So what's for chow?

That's m*llitary for food.

I know, but you can't keep giving away m*llitary secrets like that.

Well, since it's been forever since I made an Eve breakfast, we made your...

(SING-SONGY): favorite.

- Chicken on a ladder?

- That's right.

Two eggs on a ladder

- made of sausage and bacon strips.

- EVE: Yes!

I call it the Stairway to Heaven.

- Is she...

Eve!

- Hey!

- (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

- Oh, oh, you, too.

Haven't you guys ever heard of a handshake?

Can you stay for breakfast?

Uh, no, I would love to, but some of us have to work.

Well, just call your boss and tell him that you're sick.

Wait a minute...

Oh, no, I just came by to give her a hug.

We will see you at : , uh, it's the perfect time.

'Cause it's post-nap, pre-poop.

Great.

- (SQUEALS)

- Okay, can't wait.

I will see you then.

Dad, you have to get me out of this.

No, no, he's not gonna get you out of this.

Come on, you should want to see your nieces.

I do.

You can just have them over, turn on the TV, and I'll look at them.

MIKE: No, no, no...

Come on, they're family, you got to get to know them,

- bond with them.

After that crap's over,

- (EVE SIGHS)

then we can do something fun.

All right.

Fine.

But now that they're old enough to know what's cool, I got to say, I feel bad

- for Mandy and Kristin.

- Why?

Because they're your garden-variety moms.

I fly jets, okay?

I'm a bona fide superhero.

They-they can't compete with that.

You're sounding a little full of yourself.

No, no, no, I know where she's coming from.

I've spent my whole life, you know, being... riveting.

Ah.

Right.

It's-it's actually a burden.

Tell me about it.

I got to tamp down the Mike Baxter wattage

- every time I leave the house.

- Yeah.

I got to tamp down my breakfast.

- Spoken like a "normy".

- Yeah.

Well, I guess you're just gonna have to take your awesomeness down a notch and... pretend you're me.

(CHUCKLES)

I think she's being a little sarcastic.

But it's actually good advice.

- Hey!

- Oh!

Get a load of Kyle.

Looking very dapper.

Who d*ed?

Oh, nobody.

Well, I mean, I'm sure somebody did.

Just hopefully no one I know.

Not that I wish misfortune on strangers.

Okay, man, I-I guess what we're saying, Kyle, - is you-you-you look nice.

- Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

I have a presentation in my homiletics class this afternoon.

Homi-what-ics?

Homiletics.

It's a-it's a fancy name for preaching.

- Yeah, it's my toughest seminary class.

- CHUCK: Mm-hmm.

Boy, you sure go through a lot of trouble and expense to become a minister.

Joe's right.

You should find some cheap, easy way to serve the Lord.

Yeah.

Wait, you're kidding, right?

I am, but this is not Joe's area of expertise.

- Oh, yeah?

- CHUCK: Yeah.

I've been a minister for years.

I got a certificate and everything.

Where'd you get it, out of a box of Goofy Flakes?

I got it online.

It cost bucks.

Well, that's what they said it cost, but I lied on the application...

got financial aid.

Well, I guess all that really matters is that you feel the calling to spread God's message of love.

Exactly, until that day He calls the UFOs to return us to the sun.

(VOCALIZES)

Uh...

that's not what I believe, Joe.

That's 'cause you're still learning the stuff.

Remember, I'm already a minister.

Oh!

You're eating pie?

We're gonna take Eve out to dinner when she gets back.

This is pre-eating.

And fruit pie really doesn't count.

It's just like eating an apple.

Well, look, uh, she spent the afternoon with the little girls, so I guess we're gonna have to cancel some of the plans we have with her.

Don't touch the "T.T.O.O.D.M." And W.H.A.T is that?

"Throw Things Off Outdoor Man".

It also is the sound it makes when the stuff hits the ground.

Ta-doom!

Eve loves that... ta-doom.

Hey-hey, how'd it go?

How much of your awesomeness did you have to tamp down on?

(SIGHS)

None of it.

I-I was % Eve.

Oh, come on, you're insane.

Did the girls, like, pass out?

Well, tell us everything.

Okay, um...

my nieces hate my guts.

You know, I knew there was something about those two little ones I didn't like.

What do you mean, your nieces hate you?

Oh, they don't hate you.

That's the finger they use to point with.

No, no, they-they do.

I did all my best stuff.

Uh, zombie impressions, the finger-through-the-head trick, my best armpit farts, Dad.

You stole my whole act?

(SIGHS)

I just...

I mean, I don't-I don't get it.

When-when Boyd was their age, he thought I was the coolest person in the world.

That's because you and Boyd, you like the same stuff.

That Boyd could flick a booger really far.

Not as far as you.

I did measure one time we were doing that in the backyard and you were like...

Yeah, well, look, Sarah and Evelyn are, they're just into completely different things, thank God.

Well, I gave the aunt thing a sh*t.

So what are we gonna do?

All this talk has given me a craving to do something gross.

Well, the simple solution would be throw stuff off the roof of Outdoor Man.

Oh, yes, that would be great.

Remember that sewing machine that Mandy didn't want anymore?

Or the-the... the one that we thought she didn't want anymore?

That would be the simple solution, I said, but the right solution is to take another sh*t with your nieces.

You got to be a good aunt.

Can't I just be the strange aunt they only see at weddings and funerals?

Oh, you know what, I should give my sister April a call.

You want to bond with children, you got to get into their world.

I-I don't know what that means.

Well, uh, no, it means if you're gonna play with them, you have to adjust to them.

They'll tell you what they like.

Yep, over and over and over again.

Yeah, yeah, you-you just let them take the lead.

You might have to sacrifice, uh, snots or farts or whatever, um, but there's other fun stuff to do.

But what if they want to have a...

tea party?

Then you have a tea party.

You get out that little set, it's... put the little pinky up, hold the top and you pour like this.

And get those little cups and the favorite part is you got to... don't, don't, it's hot!

You got to blow it.

It's really hot.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

These little cups, they're so cute, 'cause they got these little tiny flowers on them, and the little, the little tiny...

so hot, it's...

Who are you?

Father to three daughters.

I've braided hair, I've had tea parties, I know every word to "Under the Sea".

I bet you were so happy when I came along.

What do you mean?

I love all my daughters.

But, my God, yes.

No, wait, but then, but then I was the one who had to learn how to sh**t arrows, and put on w*r paint and...

oh, gosh, I still know every damn line of dialogue to Predator. Getting to know kids sometimes requires you to get out of your comfort zone.

But I like my comfort zone.

- It's all... broken in.

- Evie, just...

give it a try, okay?

They're having...

they're having a little princess party tonight.

Why don't you go over there and I guarantee they're gonna love you.

Okay.

If you can make it through Schwarzenegger and Dad can be Mrs. Doubtfire...

I might as well.

Excellent, milady.

You'll enjoy yourself.

(IMPERSONATING SCHWARZENEGGER): You, you get to the chopper!

Go!

To the chopper!

Hey, how's that Hooked on Phonics class going?

Homiletics.

It was rough.

My professor says my preaching needs to be more dynamic.

He's right!

You know, you got to grab them from the get-go.

You know what people spark to right now?

Atlantis.

I don't think Denver Theological Seminary wants me preaching about Atlantis.

Well, try Bigfoot or just make it up.

What?

No, I can't make it up, I need to preach from the Bible.

Uh, I'm pretty sure Atlantis is in the Bible.

No, it isn't.

Neither are spaceships that go to the sun or Bigfoot.

Which Bible are you talking about?

The Bible.

The one that tells the story of God's plan for humanity.

You know, if you want to make preaching easier, maybe you should start with just making up what's in it.

All right, this is the word of God.

If you don't believe that, then I don't know what to tell you, Joe.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

What the hell is going on here?

I-I was just trying to explain something to Joe.

Look, I'm just helping the kid with school.

It's okay.

What?

It's not okay.

It's not.

This is not church, Kyle.

I don't want you telling people here what they should or shouldn't believe.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

ED: Mm.

He's right.

Forgive me, Joe.

I'm just a man, Kyle.

I can't forgive.

That's a job for the whales.

Oh, hey.

Uh, so, when Eve gets back from Kristin's, we still have time to do one more thing, and I vote for tapas and a stroll through LoDo.

I vote for billiards and burgers at JB's Pub.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Oh, hey.

- Well.

- Whoa.

(CHUCKLES)

You really went all-out.

Um, how did it go?

It sucked.

- Oh.

- What do you mean?

I don't really want to talk about it, Dad.

Okay?

I hope you're gonna clean up all this glitter.

So, she still won't talk to me.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know, I-I really hoped that the Air Force would soften Eve, but...

Well, the important thing is that you tried, not that you failed.

Uh, well, you know what?

Why don't you go up there.

Because I don't know what's going on.

Oh, I don't know.

It just doesn't make any sense.

- Yeah.

- I mean, how could our sweet, adorable granddaughters hate Eve?

I...

Well, we know Eve, but do we really know anything about those toddlers?

- MANDY: Hello?

- We're in here.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Sorry, we left Nancy Bear.

- Ah.

- Hey, did Eve tell you what a fantastic day she had with the girls?

Damn right she did, but you can always hear a good story twice, right?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

It was so cute.

She was adorable with them.

She-she got down on the floor and played and sang songs.

She was like that Elmo we hired.

Except sober.

- So, so, it went well?

- Oh, my God.

All I could hear were those little girls laughing.

- (CHUCKLES): Like, really, really laughing.

- VANESSA: Hmm.

And they had a tea party.

And Evelyn served the tea, and Sarah made cake, and-and Eve made it really fun.

Did she put her pinky in the air?

'Cause that's...

- That-that came from me.

- (VANESSA CHUCKLES)

Isn't he riveting?

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, the girls love their Auntie Eve.

Even I'm starting to like her.

- (CHUCKLES)

Bye.

- (LAUGHS)

See ya.

I mean, do you think Eve misread the whole thing?

I mean, look, she's not that great at picking up on feelings.

No, she's good at picking on other people that have feelings.

Yeah.

Right.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Mr. Alzate?

Can I have a minute?

I wanted to apologize for arguing about religion with a coworker.

I have reported myself to me, and I will be dealt with.

Good.

Let's-let's sit down.

Sit down, s-son.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, Chuck told me how this thing with Joe got started.

Now, you realize he was just yanking your chain, right?

- Yeah, of-of course.

- Yeah, you know.

- No, I didn't.

- (LAUGHS)

Well, he was.

Joe is like that.

You know, he's-he's an idiot, so-so don't let it bother you, all right?

It's not really what Joe said that's bothering me.

It...

I'm really struggling in my homiletics class.

That's the study...

Yeah, I-I know what it is.

So, what's the...

what's the problem with your preaching, son?

Well, my professor says I'm not dynamic enough.

I-I need to figure out some way to make people interested in what I believe.

Hold on there.

(GROANS)

Hmm.

When my old man passed away, he left me two things: this Bible, all right, and a Echeverria p*stol.

Just let me say that I spent more time learning about the p*stol.

I didn't know your dad was religious.

Yeah, he said he was.

I mean, he spent a lot of time reading this book.

Yeah, but his whole life, the S.O.B.

never did one thing that made me want to read it.

Yeah, you hear that kind of thing a lot from people.

ED: Mm.

On the other hand...

everything you do makes me wonder what you see in this book.

- It does?

- Mm.

Yes, it does, Kyle.

See, I don't know what your homiletics professor wants, but from where I sit, you just being you is pretty dynamic to me.

Thank you, sir.

- That really helps.

- Good.

Oh, just one thing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And remember, "God helps those who help themselves".

That's actually Benjamin Franklin.

I know that.

Get out, Kyle.

(KNOCKS)

Who wants to clean a shotgun?

Go away, Dad.

All right.

I just said go away.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

I thought you said, "Please come in 'cause you paid for the house".

(EVE SIGHS)

I really don't feel like talking about it.

Uh, you don't feel like talking about the fact that you actually had a great time with your nieces?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, it was great.

They're just so adorable, and I...

- I love them.

- Hmm.

How could I let this happen?

Well, it isn't really the fact that you let it happen.

It actually happened to you.

You should have seen us, Dad.

We were laughing and goofing around and drinking imaginary tea.

I love to do that with them, but, you know, I sneak a little bourbon in there.

They don't know.

And I, you know, don't let them have it 'cause I think it's against the law.

We spun around until we got dizzy and fell down.

I almost threw up.

It was awesome.

Did they give you the greatest line ever?

To me, there was, "Grampy, get up.

Are you sleeping, Grampy?

Get up.

Get up".

They called me "Auntie Eeb".

How cute is that?

They're adorable.

That's how they get to you.

You know?

And the next thing you know, you're wearing a necklace made out of macaroni.

- (SIGHS)

- (CHUCKLES)

I mean, and then you have to leave.

That was the worst.

I was trying to walk to the car without crying my eyes out, and I saw them at the door, giggling and saying, "See ya later, abigator".

Yeah, leaving is hard.

Well, it wasn't for you.

I mean, you-you used to leave for Outdoor Man trips all the time.

Just say goodbye, and that's it.

See ya.

I mean, I want to be that cold and unfeeling.

No offense.

Well, I hate to say it, but, uh, you are like me.

There's something else.

Leaving for those trips was-was the hardest thing I've ever done.

So, it broke your heart to leave us?

I don't want to talk about it.

So, what?

That's it?

No helpful advice?

Nothing?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All I got is the harder the goodbye, the sweeter the hello.

So, I'm not weak for wanting to bawl my eyes out over two toddlers?

It's hard, isn't it?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, I just got a text from Mandy.

(SIGHS)

Don't worry about the typos, Mom.

- English is basically her second language.

- (VANESSA LAUGHS)

No, she said, uh, she said the little ladies are ready for bed, and they want their "Auntie Eeb" to come read them a story.

- Really?

Oh!

- VANESSA: Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm there.

Oh, my God, I hope they have Green Eggs and Ham. Remember you used to read that to me, Dad?

- I'll do stuff with you guys next time, okay?

- VANESSA: Yeah.

- MIKE: Mm-hmm.

- All right.

I promise.

Bye.

(EXHALES)

Well...

Is it wrong that I hate toddlers because they're taking my daughter away from me?

You okay?

Uh-huh.

You sure?

Uh-huh.

How 'bout we-we cr*ck a beer and-and go sit in your truck and listen to some oldies?

Uh-uh.

Want to have a tea party?

- With bourbon?

- Oh.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Outdoor lucky man, really.

I have a family filled with people I actually like to see.

Good thing, because there's always one of them in my kitchen.

But I know everyone has a twitch at the holidays when the doorbell rings.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- And you go, "Oh, wow!

Surprised us this year, Uncle Ted.

(CHUCKLING): I thought you had passed".

(SIGHS)

The only good thing about those visits is the sweet relief of them leaving.

"Okay, drive safe.

"Or.. or not.

(CHUCKLES)

- Just drive away".

- (TIRES SCREECH)

A lot of people hate saying goodbye.

What are we avoiding, you know?

I guess it's simple: the real sadness of leaving someone or having someone leave that we love, especially when you don't know if you'll ever see them again.

Kind of like saying goodbye to your favorite TV show.

Damn.

Thought I wouldn't get upset.

But it's okay.

There's nothing of greater value than a meaningful connection with a loved one.

And the price we pay for that is feeling sad when we say goodbye.

Seems worth it to me.

I'm sure you're feeling that right now, knowing this... vlog is coming to an end.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)