17x13 - Good as Hell

[bunniefuu]

[Meredith] There’s a moment I’ve noticed in the OR…

♪ I can feel you walk around… ♪

Especially when a patient is going south.

♪ …my head again ♪

♪ I find it comforting ♪

You’re working so hard, you lose yourself.

♪ And that’s troubles me ♪

All of your problems.

♪ I lie awake ♪

Your relationships.

♪ And wonder where you go ♪

Career goals.

♪♪

Your fears.

♪ When everything gets quiet and cold ♪

They all just fade away.

♪♪

It’s not even you and your patient.

♪♪

It’s you and yourself.

♪ I lie awake ♪

Your hands.

♪ And wonder where you go ♪

Your skill.

♪♪

♪ When everything gets quiet and cold ♪

You might call it muscle memory, or being in the zone.

♪ Those little fleeting moments we hold ♪

But whatever you call it, it’s rare…

♪ When everything gets quiet and cold ♪

…and you never want it to end.

[Waves crashing]

♪♪

♪ Everyone around me is on their knees ♪

[Owen] Hey. Hey.

Are the, uh… Are the kids okay?

Yeah, they’re great.

It took a little longer to get through the park ’cause of the protests, but Mom had French toast ready.

How was, uh, therapy?

Virtual. Yeah.

Is that why you’re out here?

Making sure that I did it?

[Scoffs] No. I’m here to make sure that you’re done, ’cause I have something to show you.

♪ I can tell you all my secrets ♪

Come on.

♪ But don’t call it a weakness ♪

♪ Got my reasons ♪

Hey. Hey.

Didn’t your shift end a while ago?

Yeah, I went to check on Mer.

Still no change.

She’ll get better.

Just like Jennilyn did.

You didn’t even know Jennilyn.

She’s my favorite ICU nurse.

It might be my first official day here, but she and I… we go way back.

[Sighs] I’m just glad I didn’t miss her big post-COVID sendoff.

She is one of us.

[Door opens]

Here she comes!

Ladies and gentlemen, Jennilyn’s going home!

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

Whoo! Alright!

Whoo!

♪ Living on my faith ♪

♪ Living on my faith ♪

Hey, excuse me.

Hey, did we miss it?

No, you’re just in time.

Ah.

Bailey: Six weeks in the hospital.

Our tenth official discharge this week.

Ah, I remember the day I hired her.

I will never get sick of this.

You okay?

♪ Living on my faith ♪

♪ Living on my faith ♪

That should be Meredith.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Living on my faith ♪

♪ On my faith ♪

♪ Living on my faith ♪

[Levi] [Sighs] I hate ER days.

Everything’s so urgent.

What are we watching tonight?

Whatever you want. I’ll be with Nico.

Movie nights are sacred, Levi.

[Scoffs] Movie nights are new since your sex friend disappeared.

Don’t deprive me of mine.

I have to talk to Bailey about OB today, and I know that Webber told me everything I need to say, but still… Bailey.

You have to talk to Bailey every day.

I’ll cancel my plans when you actually do it.

Hey. Uh, you forgot this.

Oh, well, uh, could’ve just gotten it later.

Oh, it was kind of in the way.

Well, it wouldn’t be if you gave me a drawer or something.

[Chuckles]

Is the sex still good?

[Sighs] It’s amazing.

See how supportive I was of you just now?

Bye!

Okay, Felix, and how’s your range of motion been?

Felix: It’s still stiff when I throw.

I thought I’d be back to pitch this fall.

Hey. Teddy hasn’t returned my calls.

Have you talked to anyone from the hospital?

‘Cause I…

Sorry. It’s just, I had a dream about Mer.

I’m going. [Chuckles]

[Clears throat] Sorry, Felix.

Um, you know, it’s still early days, you’re only four months post surgery, and it was a decent-sized tear.

This is the last season to get scouted by a D-1 school.

Huh.

[Whispering] Why are you still here?

Right. I’m gone.

Uh… yeah, Felix, it’s gonna take a little bit more patience.

It’s… It’s gonna be…

I’m so sorry.

Felix, is it?

Um, a-are you right-handed?

Yeah. Amelia.

I know this is weird. I’m… I’m a surgeon, too, and I just, uh, wanted to check one thing with you.

H-Have you noticed that your left arm feels stronger than your right arm recently?

[Felix] I guess so. Kinda?

Why? What the hell?

[Keyboard clacks]

If this is a neurological issue, it could end more than just his career

if it goes untreated, so I’m…

[Keyboard clacks]

Hey. I just want to to over a couple maneuvers with you, okay?

Okay.

[Teddy] Meredith’s vitals have been stable for days.

Her X-rays have shown a remarkable improvement, and her oxygen requirements have gone down.

Which is why she should be awake for more than two minutes at a time.

[Monitor beeping]

Why isn’t she?

What is it?

Her labs this morning showed elevated liver enzymes.

[Teddy] It might just be a side effect from the medications, but we do want to order some new tests.

And we’d also like to get CTs, both chest and abdomen.

It might seem extensive, but…

Well, let’s do it.

We’re seeing more and more patients in the same position.

It seems like they’re finally out of the woods, and then some new problem arises and they just they just crash.

♪♪

We can’t let this happen to Meredith.

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

Were you in pain?

You know, the worst part was knowing they were getting it wrong.

I didn’t want to leave you, but I knew, you know, at a certain point…

I came to the hospital.

I know.

You could hear?

♪♪

Not through my ears.

♪♪

Dying is exhausting.

♪♪

You know that point as a surgeon you’ve done everything for your patient.

I could try and will them to fight, will them to live, but I never understood the level of exhaustion.

There comes a point where the desire to rest overrides the desire to live.

[Seagulls crying]

You got that.

You gave me permission to go.

You told me it was okay.

♪♪

You got me.

You gave me everything I needed until my last breath.

[Seagulls crying]

♪♪

Do you need more time to think about it?

No.

Okay.

And your answer is…

I just told you. No.

Bailey… [Sighs]

I didn’t come to this decision lightly, and without your recommendation, I may have to redo my entire intern year.

Only if you were changing specialities, which you are not doing.

That is not your decision to make.

It’s not. No. It’s yours, and you made it when you signed a contract as a general surgery attending.

It’s got a few more years on it, last time I checked.

Bailey, you can’t…

I-I need this.

And I need surgeons, Wilson.

I’m losing them to, uh, sickness, exhaustion, hell, m*rder, or in Avery’s case, just suddenly taking a leave of absence.

Y-You need to think about the hospital.

I can’t afford to lose you right now, especially when Meredith…

♪♪

Look, we can, um, revisit this topic after this thing is over, but for right now, my answer is no.

[Sighs]

Okay. Felix is headed in.

Mm. Great.

Uh… Is he set up for his MRI in case he beats us there?

Yes. You know, I would have caught that right-sided deficit. Yeah, I know you would have.

We had just started. I was focused on the shoulder.

Yeah, I know you were.

Not to mention I kept getting distracted.

All my fault. I got it.

[Chuckles] I’m ready.

No, we… we can’t leave.

Maggie’s not here yet.

Oh, well, that means you can’t, but I can, and I should.

Or, you know, I could call Koracick and you could stay here.

Well, this was my find.

Oh, I’m sorry. You wouldn’t want somebody waltzing in and stealing your patient? W…

Please don’t take this from me.

I have not operated in over a month.

Oh, and this sudden need to operate has nothing to do with your sister still being unconscious?

Nope.

I just really miss cutting.

Got it.[Door opens]

Okay. I-I’m still coming.

Hey. Great to see you, Maggie.

Thanks for all the help.

Um, everybody’s eaten.

Hi?

[Bailey] [Chuckles] I take it this is a new hobby?

[Erika] Should have started with the plow stop, but my kids wanted to learn the moonwalk.

[Grunts]

I was k*lling it until I hit that railing.

Levi: My mom would never do that.

She’s a total worry…

Dr. Schmitt, order tib/fib X-rays and page me when they’re done, please.

[Bailey] Okay, Erika, I’d like to do an abdominal ultrasound.

Oh. Nice.

I’ve lost 50 pounds in Q-tine.

Check out these abs.

Damn.

That railing ate me alive.

Yep. Oh.

Okay, let me know if this hurts at all.

50 pounds, huh?

Tech lawyer. Boatloads of money, but… tech lawyer.

Sedentary job, sedentary life.

Then COVID hit, and I figured, if the world’s ending, I might as well be happy. [Chuckles]

I was so tired of being tired, you know?

So, I quit that job that I hated, spent time with my kids, started working out, then I started my own business making peanut brittle.

Ooh. Try some.

Ooh.

No eating in the hospital.

Um, so, Erika, it looks like you have some bleeding under your abdominal muscle, so we’ll need to do a CT to evaluate how severe it is.

Alright, page me when she’s ready, Schmitt.

I won’t tell if you won’t.

[Bag rustles]

And I know we’ve only technically met on the phone, but I’m marrying your sister, so how about you wake up and give me a “Congratulations” or something?

[Sniffles]

I mean, I heard you were tough, but I didn’t think you were cold.

[Seagulls crying]

[Meredith] I want you closer.

[Derek] You’re worried about the kids.

If you get closer…

I’ll never leave.

I think that’s the theory.

Your dad d*ed when you were young.

Yes.

And it almost ruined me.

But it didn’t.

Kids survive.

And struggle makes them stronger.

Sometimes. Sometimes, it makes them stronger, and sometimes, it makes them…

Amelia.

[Both laugh]

She’s doing great, by the way.

I know. And she named her baby…

I know!

[Both laugh]

Oh. [Sighs]

People love you, Meredith.

People need you.

I’m tired.

Your body’s tired.

But your soul…

Your soul won’t even let me near you.

You’re still fighting.

Have you seen the last one or two years?

Yeah.

Was that hard for you?

It’s harder watching you be lonely.

♪♪

I want to say you’re beautiful, but it’s… shallow.

Say “pretty on the inside.”

That’s what I tell Zola to say.

“Be pretty on the inside.”

You’re pretty on the inside, Meredith Grey.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

How’s Grey? Not getting better.

She won’t stay awake, and her liver enzymes are elevated.

Any sign of acute infection?

No, but that doesn’t mean anything because this stupid disease causes every complication in the book without any consistency whatsoever.

Well, it’s still relatively new.

There’s information coming out every day, and…

Yeah, vague information.

We have no idea how this disease is gonna affect these patients in the long-term.

I mean, there could be permanent lung scarring, vascular damage, neurological issues…

Eh, oh, no, please, keep… keep going.

Tom, I didn’t… [Sighs]

I’m… I’m sorry.

[Chuckles] That’s…

I’m sure that you’re fine.

[Door opens, closes]

Alright.

[Sighs] She’s all set.

Okay. Great. Thanks.

Tom, I’m sorry. I…

Hey, Doc, you’re just stating facts.

Don’t be sorry.

[Door slides shut]

Okay.

[Grunts]

What happened?

[Owen] Carolyn Hexton.

Cardiac arrest.

When I talked with her yesterday, she didn’t even need oxygen.

Yeah, and then she started having arrhythmias, and then she went into V-fib.

37 years old.

Kindergarten teacher.

She ran 10ks for charity.

I thought she’d be going home this week.

Yeah. So did she.

We all did.

♪♪

I got to call her family. [Sighs]

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪♪

[Breathing shakily]

♪♪

Hello, Mrs. Hexton. This is Dr. Hunt.

♪♪

No. No, um…

No. She…

Uh, she’s, uh…

Um, there were some complications.

[Sniffles]

I’m sorry, Mrs. Hexton.

Could you give me one moment, please?

♪♪

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Seip. Dr. Tracy Seip to Recovery.

Please tell me you’re not eating in…

I’m not! I’m not! I’m just, uh… I’m smelling.

I-I miss smelling things.

Smell things after work in the comfort of your own home.

My home smells like unwashed laundry.

It’s impressive, huh?

Leaving a successful career, getting in shape, being there for your family.

She really made lemonade out of, um a-a very deadly virus.

Must be nice.

You think she should be doing something different?

I think if I suddenly started baking snickerdoodles and going base jumping, do me a favor and throw a big net over me.

It’s peanut brittle.

It’s… It’s actually a-a lot harder to master than snickerdoodles.

[Computer beeping]

Scans are up.

Mm. Mm.

Okay. Deep breaths, buddy.

She told me to drop everything I was doing and rush to the ER.

Well, Dr. Shepherd has a tendency…

[Door opens]

…to, uh, raise the stakes of any situation.

MRI results will be back in a second.

You look worried, and he keeps telling me I’m gonna be fine.

Dr. Shepherd, baseball is Felix’s life.

It’s what got him into junior college, and it’s his only hope of getting into a Division I school.

What would you do if suddenly, you couldn’t be a surgeon anymore?

[Door opens]

You paged Koracick?

No. Radiology did.

Uh. Be right back.

He has a meningioma, C6, 7.

[Amelia] Let me look at it, please.

That is a nasty little tumor.

We’ll have to do an intricate multi-level decompression.

Start with a wide excision, but that will destabilize his cervical spine, so he’ll need hardware.

Forget about his pitching arm.

Any slip, and you risk making him a paraplegic.

I mean, but there’s a lot going on with your sister and our lives.

It’s been a long time since…

I’m not that rusty, thank you.

You can go, Tom.

Alright, one millimeter off…

I said you can go, Tom.

And, uh, if you want to help, you can comfort the patient while I book an OR.

[Hayes] How we doing today?

Oh, you know, just thinking about how selfish it is to follow my dreams.

I meant Luna, but, uh, good to know.

[Chuckles] Luna’s trending upwards, so Luna is a bright spot in a sea of unfettered misery.

What’s all this about dreams?

I want to switch to OB, but Bailey said it’s a bad time.

Ah, she’s not wrong there.

Thank you.

Listen, everything will sort itself out once Grey’s back on her feet.

If she gets back on her feet.

Well, I thought she was on the mend.

We all did.

Well, how bad is it?

Her liver enzymes are elevated this morning, and her creatinine is worse, so her kidneys could be failing, and nobody knows why.

God, it’s just one thing after another, isn’t it?

This is my way of remembering that there is more to the world than just misery and death.

At least, I hope there is.

♪♪

I’ll get out of your way.

♪♪

[Monitor beeping]

♪♪

[Richard] Tell me you found something.

[Sighs] Meredith’s chest CT was clear.

However, her abdominal CT wasn’t.

We found a filling defect in her IVC and hepatic vein.

And is that clot in her liver?

Yes, which explains why she can’t stay awake.

Her body’s fighting a build-up of ammonia.

It’s a small clot, but if we don’t treat it quickly, then there could be fluid build-up, which will just wreak havoc on her liver.

Can you do, uh, an IR shunt or thrombolytics, or…

A TIPS procedure should be done in the IR suite, for sure, but I don’t think I should do it.

Why not?

Because Dr. Altman’s here, and because Dr. Grey is Maggie’s sister, and if anything… Dr. Altman are you sure you’re up to this?

It’s a simple procedure.

I know what it is.

I’m asking, are you…

I will book an IR suite.

Altman…

♪♪

Are you sure?

Meredith doesn’t have time for this conversation.

[Monitor beeping, door closes]

[Owen] Hey.

Webber send you to check in on me?

No. No, he told me what was going on and asked me if we thought you were okay to operate.

And? And I told him you were fine to operate and there was no one better to do it.

Thank you. And I also told him that if something goes wrong, either something within your control or something outside of it,

I’m not sure that you’ll recover.

[Monitor beeping]

[Sighs]

I lost a kindergarten teacher today.

I had to call her family. I broke down on the phone.

I don’t know if they knew that I was crying or if they thought that I was choking, but I was pretty much doing both.

Never in my career have I… cried while delivering news to a family.

It is unprofessional, and honestly, it is embarrassing.

And after all we saw in the w*r, all that loss, and this kindergarten teacher that I barely knew just… broke me.

Because, uh…

Because COVID.

Yeah.

You’ve been through a lot, Teddy, and you just came back, and it is Meredith.

If something goes wrong…

I might not recover.

Can you page Dr. Ndugu for me, please?

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Respirator hissing]

[Monitor beeping]

[Hissing, beeping continue]

[Clicks]

Dr. Shepherd, I’ve worked with a lot of neurosurgeons.

None of them were as good as you.

One millimeter in the wrong direction, and I end this kid’s career.

That’s what Tom said.

That is what he said, and that’s what I said.

But you are Amelia Shepherd.

So you got this.

[Hissing, beeping continue]

♪♪

What’s she doing?

She’s getting ready to crush it.

♪♪

[Winston] Did something happen?

Yeah, you’ll be joining me. Okay.

She’s not just your family or Maggie’s.

She’s mine. She’s everyone’s.

So, she’s gonna have two of the finest cardiovascular surgeons in the country, and we’re not gonna think about what she means to us or to everyone.

We are gonna help each other do what we know how to do, and we will watch each other’s every move.

No ego. There’s no question that’s too stupid to ask.

It’s just about the work, and we are going to remove this clot.

Deal.

Okay, then.

♪♪

Here we go.

Ultrasound?

♪♪

♪ Wake up miles ’round ♪

Ellis draws this picture of us.

I’m in a wedding dress.

Uh-huh.

And then you’re in a suit.

I showed her the Post-it Note, but she just…

Hates it. Hates it.

[Chuckles]She feels robbed.

Well, she gets that from my mother.

[Both laugh]

♪♪

♪ Midnight ♪

Oh.

♪ Downtown ♪

You hate weddings.

I hate weddings.

But I would give this to her if I could.

What do you want me to promise?

To t*rture yourself less.

♪ Locked up in stables ♪

♪ Where we arrived ♪

♪ It’s tangled cables ♪

I don’t want to leave the kids.

I don’t want you to leave the kids.

♪ Where we unwind ♪

♪♪

[Knock on door]

♪♪

[Maggie] Hey, Zola.

Your math teacher said you signed out of class early today.

Are you okay?

♪♪

♪ I told you I’m sorry ♪

What’s wrong?

I’m mad.

At someone at school? At everything.

♪ You don’t know heartache ♪

Hm.

♪ Until you know none ♪

Did you see the news, about the protests?

Yeah. Yeah.

When my teachers try to talk about it, they get really weird and seem scared to say anything.

That happens.

Do you want to go to a protest?

I could take you.

I don’t want to go without my mom.

She’d be mad, too.

But she doesn’t even know what’s happening.

She says she works at the best hospital with the best doctors.

She does. We do.

Then why isn’t she home?

You know Dr. Fox?

She told me to try something when I’m really upset that really helped.

What?

Screaming.

I’m serious.

It’ll wake up the baby.

It’s okay. It’s time for his bottle anyway.

Come on. Come on.

Okay.

Come on. Shake it off. Ready?

[Chuckles] One, two, three.

[Both screaming]

♪♪

Your CT shows what’s called a rectus sheath hematoma.

It’s when you have bleeding under your middle abdominal muscles.

Banged myself up good, didn’t I?

[Bailey] [Chuckles] And your blood counts are a little low, so we’ll need to watch you overnight to make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse.

[Nico] Well, your tib/fib fracture should heal nicely without surgery, but we’re gonna need to put you in a cast before you’re discharged, which you’ll have to be in for about six weeks.

Mm, I can make brittle from a chair.

[Chuckles]

Must take a lot of peanuts to make what you made as a lawyer.

I-I’d need a factory for that.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

You think I’m crazy, don’t you?

I didn’t say anything.

There was this poem I read in high school.

This lady stood near a cliff, afraid to get close to the edge for a better view because she thought she might fall.

But then someone pushed her.

Was the poem about m*rder?

[Chuckles] No, because she didn’t fall…

She flew.

The cliff was a metaphor…

It’s what we’re afraid will happen.

There’s so much the world tells us we need that we don’t really need.

Couldn’t see it until I took the jump…

Isssh

beautiful…

Shhhhome…

[Alarm beeping]

Uh…

Oh. Pulse is thready.

Hematoma’s expanding.

She’s actively bleeding.

Let’s get her to the OR.

We’re coming up to the OR!

[Groans]

Stent looks patent after the procedure.

And liver enzymes? The creatinine?

Already improving.

Then why isn’t she waking up?

It takes time. We have given her time. We have given her time, and every test and every treatment.

We removed that clot perfectly… perfectly…

And she’s still not waking up, and she’s still not improving, and she’s still not going home.

Why isn’t she? Altman, there is…

I’m sorry. I-I can’t.

I have to take a walk.

♪♪

[Bailey] More suction.

[Suction gurgling]

Ah, there’s the inferior epigastric artery.

Mm.

Hemostat.

Yeah, looks like she’ll live to skate another day.

2-0 silk.

You know how a pearl is formed, Schmitt?

Should I?

It all starts with one very irritating grain of sand.

The oyster doesn’t like it, wants to keep its shell pristine.

So, to get rid of the sand, the oyster coats it with the inner layer of its shell.

Then we’re gonna tie off the collateral while we’re in there.

Good.

Perfect.

But that just makes the sand bigger.

[Chuckles]

And even more annoying to the oyster.

So, the oyster just keeps adding layer after layer, until… a pearl.

[Chuckles]

Lap pads.

So, I’m the sand, and you’re trying to transform me?

The story wasn’t about you, Schmitt.

The pandemicis the sand, and it’s pushed its way into all of our homes, but it doesn’t mean it has to ruin everything.

Maybe it is an opportunity to transform.

Maybe Erika here has the right idea.

I guess that’s what Jo Wilson’s doing, right?

Now, why would you bring up losing one of my best surgeons when I just got to my happy place?

[Suction gurgling]

Goodness. [Sighs]

[Monitor beeping, respirator hissing]

Goodbye, tumor.

[Koracick] You two really are co-dependent.

[Door closes]

She ask you to chaperone?

Nope.

Just living vicariously.

You here to chaperone?

No.

Don’t tell her I said this, but Shepherd’s fun to watch in there.

Elegant, focused, confident.

Pippen to my Jordan.

What do you hear about Meredith?

Uh, I don’t.

Uh, I… don’t.

I largely try to avoid that entire wing of the hospital because… God.

When is it just too much, Lincoln?

When do we get to scream at God?

When do we get to open a bottle of Scotch and pour him a giant God-sized glass, push it across the table, and when he’s too drunk to smite us, just scream…

“What kind of a sick joke is this?”

I don’t get how kids still get cancer during all this.

What kind of a sick joke is this?

Is she awake?

No.

What if we did something wrong?

You didn’t.

What if we caused the clot to break off and now she’s having a massive stroke?

Teddy, there’s nothing that indicates any of that, okay?

Then why isn’t she awake?

[Gasping]

Teddy, breathe, okay?

Just… Just breathe.

[Breathing shakily]

Listen, hold my hand.

Can you feel my hand?

Okay. Just feel that and just concentrate on that.

Concentrate on the weight of my hand on your hand.

[Breathing shakily]

Good.

No. No. No.

Owen, please… Teddy, no.

[Breathing shakily]

Listen, I’m here.

I am here with you.

Okay?

But you need to feel this, Teddy.

Just feel it.

[Sobbing]

♪♪

Dr. Webber, maybe you should go.

Why? Because it’s only my first day, and I want to try something that could very well get me fired.

[Maggie] Absolutely not.

Well, at least hear the man out.

I’ve heard.

Zola is already traumatized.

I am not bringing her to the hospital.

We need to do something, Maggie.

Hearing her daughter, feeling her?

Maybe it could help. Winston, if your mother or my mother could have stayed and lived, they would have stayed and lived, but people don’t just decide.

It’s not a choice.

Our mothers were terminally ill, but Meredith we have fixed the only thing we found that was wrong.

It’s too much to put on a child.

All she’ll know is that she’s coming to see her mom, which she wants to do anyway, and Meredith’s negative now.

It’s safe. Maggie, you know good and well that there is a psychological component to recovery.

I’ve seen it again and again.

I have, too.

Well, don’t you think it’s at least worth trying?

Maggie, whether it works or it doesn’t, at least Zola gets to see her mom again.

Let me call you back.

Hey.

I want to go.

I want to see Mommy.

♪♪

[Felix] You got it?

All of it?

All of it.

And my arms?

You show us.

[Monitor beeping]

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

Alright, you get some rest.

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Amelia] Okay. I need Scout.

I know. We haven’t even been gone that long.

I miss him, too. Ooh, no, my boobs hurt.

I need to nurse or pump.

Or both.

And let’s go. Hmm.

[Levi] Bandage is clean and dry and intact.

No evidence of bleeding.

How’s your pain, Erika?

[Erika] Nothing I can’t handle.

How long until I can work again?

Well, you’ll be back in brittle business in no time.

I meant work-work, not brittle.

At least, if anyone’s hiring.

To the job you hate?

To the job that keeps me alive and in one piece, and keeps my kids fed.

Quarantine was a nice vacation, but I can’t live in the clouds.

I need to be realistic.

God, what was I thinking?

That this world had more to offer.

Oh, Erika.

[Monitor beeping]

You know, that… that feeling that you have to keep going no matter what, that it’s all on your shoulders…

It’s something that we’re taught as women, as Black women.

[Chuckles] And I’m guilty of it.

And the pressure to keep this place running?

[Chuckles]

I never used to [sighs] take any breaks.

I never used to let down my guard.

I never… I never took breaks.

And then I had a heart att*ck in my 40s.

“Rest” is not a dirty word.

[Chuckling] Rest is… not laziness, no matter what you’re told or how many times you’re told it.

Rest… Rest is love.

Rest is peace.

[Chuckles]

Rest is a beautiful model for your children.

And I was forgetting again until I met you.

♪ Oh, this…

So, don’t be too quick to give up on your joy.

[Chuckles]

You can… make it your revolution.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, me ♪

♪ In awe of you now, hmm ♪

Hey.

It’s the smallest one that we have.

Who’s it for?

The less you know, the better.

♪ This show no… ♪

Eh, and don’t worry…

I won’t tell anyone it’s from you.

Fine with me if you do.

♪ Lifting my spirit like a Holy Ghost ♪

♪ All this ♪

♪ All this love, love ♪

♪ No ordinary love ♪

♪ Ordinary love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Ah-ah, la, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la-love ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Ah-ah, la, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la-love ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪♪

♪ I need you in my arms ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Now, go on.

She’s waiting for you.

Hey, if you change your mind, it’s alright.

It’s okay if you’re scared.

♪ No ordinary love ♪

Mommy?

♪ Yeah ♪

It… It’s me.

♪ Your kiss ♪

I’m here.

♪ A sky full… ♪

It’s Zozo.

♪ …of stars ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

I miss you so much.

♪ No ordinary love ♪

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪♪

[Knock on door]

I got your page.

My answer is no.

Did you forget that you already told me that?

No. I will not be making you keep a job that no longer fulfills you.

What about all of the… The surgeons that you’re losing?

Do you want me to change my mind?

[Chuckling] No.

Look, all non-emergency surgeries are non-existent anymore, and if I have to hire a new general surgeon, I will, but that’s not your problem.

That’s mine. I will help you find anyone to…

[Breathes sharply] Eh…

Thank you. Thank you.

Just love it, Wilson.

Love it with every part of you.

[Sighs]

♪♪

Hey.

How’s the, uh, peanut brittle woman doing?

Heard you had to rush her into surgery.

Nico, I think you’re standing on a cliff and you’re scared.

Sounds a little crazy because you’re never scared of anything, but me having a little space in your apartment…

It’s not the end of the world.

Doesn’t mean I’ll never leave.

[Chuckling] It doesn’t mean that we’re getting married.

It just… It means that you’re carving out a small amount of room for me.

Huh.

Well, move in with me.

♪♪

You’re right. I guard my own space out of habit because it makes me feels safe, but [scoffs] safe from what?

[Chuckling] You?

I love you, Levi.

So just move in with me.

Oh, I just… I just remembered I can’t come over tonight.

Jo is really sad about Jackson leaving.

She is? What?

Yeah, and I-I promised her that I’d hang out.

But… great talk.

Levi!

See you tomorrow.

[Chuckles]

Hey. Hey.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Bailey said yes!

Great. What are we watching?

[Laughs]

Wait, what happened to Nico night?

Oh, he’s, uh… he’s busy. He’s standing right over there.

Yeah, yeah. I said, “What are we watching?”

[Laughs nervously]

♪♪

Whoa! Easy there, kiddos!

[Link] Oh, alright.[Door closes]

Yeah. Cool fort.

You got room for one more?

What’s the password?

Uh… Rainbow Donkey?

Both: Nope!

I’m gonna go check on Scout.

[Maureen] He just ate.

Little thing was out in about 10 seconds.

I’m sorry, was I supposed to keep him up?

Uh, Mom? What… What are you doing here?

Did Zola wake up Mommy?

What? She went to try and wake up Mommy.

Did something happen with Meredith?

♪♪

No change in her mentation.

Sorry.

Well, it’s something.

And no matter what happens, you did something, and I’m grateful.

I want her to live.

I haven’t met her yet.

And she’s… she’s not just Maggie’s sister.

She’s Dr. Meredith Grey.

So she lives, right?

Please God.

♪♪

Please God.

[Meredith] Those moments, when everything fades away, you’re at your best.

♪♪

♪ I can feel warmth on my skin ♪

But there’s a problem with disappearing into the work…

You can’t save every patient.

[Maggie] It was Richard and Winston’s idea.

What?

♪ The winds are changing ♪

♪ The whispers of the angels ♪

It’s a good idea.

And when I was checking Ellis’ homework, she was actually doing pretty well.

I’m scared.

[Zola] I don’t know why.

[Bailey] Me, too.

I need this year to get better.

[Sniffles] Me, too.

♪ The darkness won’t hurt us any longer ♪

[Amelia] What happened? Is she okay?

Yes. Yeah, she’s the same.

What?

Why… Why’d you bring Zola?

I couldn’t think of a better idea.

Oh, my God.

I can’t breathe.

♪ I’m ready ♪

♪ I’m ready ♪

I’m so sorry. I-I should’ve told you.

You were in surgery.

I need her to live.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

I need her to live.

♪♪

Oh, my God.

Please, I need her to live.

[Richard] What? Did something happen? What?

Shh. Uh…

[Bailey] All of it.

Just all of it just… [Breathes deeply]

All of it happened.

And if surgery is all you have, no matter how great you are, eventually, you’re going to disintegrate.

[Seagulls calling]

♪♪

It’s not time yet.

♪♪

There’s no pain here.

Mm.

You want to know a secret?

I even miss the pain.

♪♪

[Vocalizing]

You have to go.

♪♪

I’m so tired.

It’s not your time yet.

♪ Falling in, falling in, don’t want to get out ♪

Our kids need you.

[Zola speaking indistinctly]

♪ Down, down, down, down the river ♪

You have to go.

[Zola] Mom, Ellis keeps coming into my bed at night, the way I would come into yours.

At first, I thought it was annoying, but now, I tell her she can come in my bed whenever she wants.

And sometimes, I let Bailey come in, too.

But he sleeps on pillows on the floor, but I always cover him with a blanket.

♪ I’m ready ♪

That’s so nice of you, Zozo.

Mommy!

♪♪

♪ Oh ♪

Hi.

♪ I’m ready ♪

♪♪

♪ Yes, I’m, yes, I’m ready ♪

♪♪

As nice as it is to lose all your worries, you also lose the good.

I love you so much, Mommy.

We love you so much.

We love you so much.

You’re awake.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I’m ready ♪

And if you hope to have any kind of life worth living…

We love you, Zozo.

You’re definitely going to need the good.

♪ I’m ready ♪

♪♪