08x15 - Vinyl Flooring and a Cartoon Bear

[bunniefuu]

ADAM: Wow.

Plunkendorf Construction is actually open for business.

Why do you sound surprised?

Because you and follow-through don't always happen.

Well, guess what, you and sex don't always happen.

Mom, Dad, I'm right here.

This office really looks great.

- Where did you get all this stuff?

- Basement, street corner,

- your office at the bar.

- What?

If you haven't missed it by now, you're not gonna.

My only question is how will Captain Kirk command the Enterprise without his chair?

It's good I have the chair, 'cause I won't be sitting on you tonight.

I think Plunkendorf Construction needs an HR department.

Seriously, though, I'm super proud of you, babe.

I am proud, too.

I mean, this is not some back-alley operation, despite the fact I found this desk in a back alley.

Don't ask what I found on top of it, just know it's been fully sanitized.

Bonnie, get over here so Adam can take a picture of us with our sign.

- [shutter clicks]

- Got it.

Nope, I just took a picture of myself.

Does my hair always look this crazy?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

Nice website.

- You did this?

- I did, with an assist from Felix.

Felix from the Tuesday night meeting?

Felix the fifth-grader who lives in our building.

- Plunkendorf Construction?

- Problem?

No, that's just how I say things when I like them.

Hey, why is Jill's kitchen on here?

I didn't do that.

You put up a shelf.

It's not even in the picture.

Sure it is.

It's right there on the edge.

Squint.

Turn your head a little to the left, then move in a little closer.

See?

Right there.

W-When did you take this picture?

I just bought those flowers yesterday.

Wait, whose deck is that?

I don't know, but a client will see it and want it to be theirs.

There's a bunch of stuff on here I didn't do.

Yeah, that's why it says "Photos of Work," not "Photos of Our Work." And you could do all these things, right?

- Well, of course.

- So I'm just showing off

- the future work of future you.

- But it's false advertising.

All advertising's false.

You think drinking beer really gets guys laid?

[chuckles]

It did when I drank it.

Check out the reviews section.

"'Tammy Diffendorf transformed my outdoor space "and I couldn't love it more.'

- B. Scaggs." Who's that?

- Marjorie's cat.

- Tammy built their catio.

- What's a catio?

It's an enclosed patio for cats, so they can go outside without actually going outside.

I don't know why they can't just go outside, but I enjoyed the project.

Once an indoor cat gets a taste of the wild, then life in a nice house with a woman who loves them is no longer enough.

Well, at least it's a job I actually did.

And I'm pretty sure Boz Scaggs does feel that way.

All right, here you go.

Five spoons.

Oh, make it four.

I gave up sugar.

Don't care.

What brought this on?

Well, I've just been craving it all the time, and as a sober woman I don't want to be beholden to anything.

That's great, Jill.

That takes strength.

- Aw, thanks, Tammy, you're the best.

- Oh.

"'Tammy is the best.' Jill K." Arthur, I think you'll find my partner Tammy has some very creative ideas about turning this drafty old garage into a palace for your mother-in-law.

Look, all I know is I need her out of our guest room before wrists are slit.

[laughs]

You're funny, Arthur, I like you.

I haven't laughed since Lillian moved in.

Look, I'd be fine with just tossing a mattress and a bedpan out here, but my husband's an only child,

- so this thing's got to be perfect.

- Ugh, only children are the worst.

And I'm allowed to say that 'cause I am one and I have one.

She sucks and she got it from me.

You guys have done a garage conversion before, though, right?

- Well, not exactly.

- She means not exactly like this.

But we just finished a big patio conversion.

We love converting things.

Well, I thought the pool house on your website was fantastic.

That was quite the job.

Remember how hard it was finding hand-painted Portuguese tile?

Not as well as you do.

Arthur, I'm gonna be honest with you.

Oh, good.

- We are booked solid.

- Oh, no.

If we don't get this on the schedule today, we may not get to you till the end of the year.

- O-Okay, I'm in.

- Great, let's talk design.

I'm guessing you don't want a safety rail in the bathtub?

Could you make it extra slippery?

[laughs]

[both laugh]

Look at us go.

Plunkendorf Construction is taking off like a rocket ship.

- Pow!

- Hmm, I guess.

You guess?

We just got our first gig.

Successful, photogenic women in a male-dominated field?

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

HGTV?

Wow, we'd love to.

[clicks tongue]

I guess I just wish you hadn't exaggerated our experience so much.

Hey, that's the business side.

Stay in your lane.

And actually stay in your lane, you're veering a little bit.

Why can't we be completely honest?

You got to give people a reason to say yes.

That's how I became a building manager.

I embellished my credentials a skosh.

You told them you were an Air Force pilot.

Yeah, and six years later, I'm still the manager and I'm great at it.

Well, I'm good at it.

Nobody's d*ed.

By my hand.

[chuckles]

I mean, people die, I can't change the laws of nature.

Yet.

The point isn't whether or not I can do the job.

I know I can.

But in the program we talk about being rigorously honest.

Yeah, I hear that, but we also talk about "acting as if." You know, "fake it till you make it." I mean, they wouldn't have that many clever phrases about something if it was wrong.

Yeah, but I just feel like once we start lying, we're never gonna stop.

Listen, the only way to get experience is to have a real job.

And the only way to get a real job is to pretend to have experience.

It's the catch- around which the world spins.

Yeah, I guess that's kind of true.

And we're not hurting anyone.

Yeah.

Considering who we used to be, that's a big deal.

[laughs]:Yeah.

[exhales]

Hey, did you ever read that book?

- What book?

- Catch- .

That's a book?

Yeah, I read it.

Well, I'm into week two of my sugar detox, and my body hates me.

I feel like a brittle old lady.

Sorry, Marjorie.

Apology accepted.

[sighs]

I've just been so irritable lately, and I keep telling myself everything's gonna be okay.

I mean, I have a roof over my head, I have a tennis court, I have a heated pool,

- I have a home theater...

- Wrap it up, they're about to turn on you.

I'm just saying, I have what I need.

But right now I'd punch a third-grader for a Fruit Roll-Up.

That's it.

Who else would like to share?

- Tammy.

- Tammy, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Tammy.

- Things are going really well.

Bonnie and I are starting a new business, and we're already converting a garage into a granny flat.

Which is a good solution when you're living with a difficult elderly woman.

Oh, sorry, Marjorie.

Apology accepted.

I'm just so grateful to Bonnie.

She showed me a whole new way of working.

That's what makes us such... such great partners, because she does things I couldn't or wouldn't do.

[laughs]

Anyway, uh...

Things are going great.

Really great.

Um...

I wish I had more to say, but, um, I don't.

[laughs]

So, it's just great.

Thanks.

[applause]

Bonnie, alcoholic.

Tammy already shared my share.

Our business is thriving and I am amazing.

[laughs]

Just feels so good to have finally found my calling.

I was worried it wouldn't happen before I kicked the bucket.

Sorry, Marjorie.

- [chuckles]

- I'll share next.

Do you have a rash?

- No, I'm great.

- It looks like you have hives.

Are you stressed out about something?

I'm great.

Can't you tell when someone's great?

Hey, just checking in.

How's it going?

You done yet?

Kidding.

Not kidding.

It's awesome.

I went six inches smaller on the bathroom to give your mother-in-law a little more closet space.

Oh, great, more room for the witch to hang her broomstick.

[chuckles]

You mentioned she's challenging.

I was thinking we should do a skylight.

She can keep track of her flying monkeys

- without having to go outside.

- Ah.

I've never done a skylight before.

What about the one on your website?

Oh, yeah.

In the biz we call those...

roof peepers.

- Oh.

- Yeah, that's why I said I'd never done one before.

That's the only reason.

So c-can you do that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I've done one before, I can do it again.

[laughs]

Also, I want her to be cozy in here so she never comes in the house.

Is there any way you could do a fireplace, like this river rock one you did?

Why are you so obsessed with my website?

- Are you okay?

- Oh, look at me.

Do I look okay?!

I'm scratching my back like a cartoon bear!

Ew, you have hives.

Are you allergic to something?

Lies, Arthur.

I'm allergic to lies.

Bonnie lied to you and I didn't correct her, which is almost like lying.

And just now I totally lied to you.

I've never done a river rock fireplace or a skylight.

By the way, no one calls them roof peepers.

That was a total lie, too.

But here's the truth: I'm very good at what I do, I just don't have as much experience as we said.

[laughs]

[whoops]

God, I feel so much better.

Honesty really is the best policy.

Right?

No.

I won't go higher than $ a square foot.

Smart move, Bob.

'Cause we're gonna be busy and that means you're gonna be busy.

Hey, I'm getting us a great deal on vinyl flooring.

I told Arthur the truth and we got fired.

Bob, I'm gonna call you back.

This phone cord just saved your life.

I can't believe you got us fired.

Why the hell would you tell the truth?

I'm just not as comfortable with lying as you are.

Well, you're not gonna get any better if you don't practice.

Do you hear yourself?

What is happening?

God, you're such a goody two-shoes.

You haven't changed since we were in foster care.

You haven't, either.

You bullied me into doing bad stuff then, and you're doing it again now.

I can't operate this way.

I don't want to be sleazy and scammy.

Well, at least I'm not naive and spineless and afraid to stand up for myself.

I'm standing up for myself right now.

You know what?

Maybe us working together isn't such a good idea.

That's the first honest thing you've said since we started this whole operation.

Good.

Then I guess we're done.

I guess we are!

[grunts]

Damn, I put this up really good.

Just imagine I took it off, threw it on the floor and spit on it!

Honey, we can set up the cookie table if being around the treats is too hard for you.

Oh, no.

The bad part of my sugar detox is over and the good part's kicked in.

My head's clear, my skin's clear, my pee's clear.

Everything's clear.

That sounds fantastic.

At least, I think it does.

Wendy, does the pee thing sound okay to you?

I'd have to see it.

Well, I'm so proud of myself I am this close to showing it to you.

Have you two talked yet?

No, and I don't intend to until she admits she's wrong.

So I guess this is the rest of our lives.

I can't handle this rift between Bonnie and Tammy.

What happens at the Bistro?

What happens to our happy little group?

Oh, sweetie, they just need time to calm down.

It's gonna be fine.

[clears throat]

[shoe squeaks]

This is why I prefer cats.

[sighs]

[chuckles, mutters softly]

- You okay over there?

- Ah, not really.

[chuckles]

But I don't want this to be awkward.

I know the person I'm fighting with is your wife, but don't worry, that's out there, this is in here.

I appreciate that, because I really don't want to be in the middle.

Oh, I'm so glad we're on the same page with our boundaries, 'cause I wouldn't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

And I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

You're the best.

[chuckles]

Unlike your wife, who's the worst.

Knew that wouldn't last.

Okay, we can talk about it, but let's set a timer.

And... go.

Okay, here's my question: why does she have to be the way she is?

Hold on.

Just adding more time.

Look...

I find that when Bonnie does something that's...

Wrong?

Bad?

Evil?

Let-Let's say "iffy." Rather than focus on what she did, I step back and think about what she was trying to do.

And every time...

Almost every time...

her motives are nothing but pure.

Almost nothing but pure.

She's-she's acting out of love.

[blows raspberry]

I-I know for sure that she didn't want to hurt your business.

It meant everything to her.

And because of how much she loves you, and how much she wanted it to succeed, she didn't see the other stuff.

Yeah, but that's just the thing, I can't lose sight of the other stuff, not even for a minute.

I mean, I've been to prison and I'm constantly terrified I'm gonna go back.

Like... any time I hear a siren, I just assume it's for me.

Even if it's on TV and it's British.

You know...

[imitates British siren]

Tammy, you've come so far from that.

Yeah, but I-I'm afraid if I do one dishonest thing, I'm gonna get sucked right back into that life.

Is that why you tell me every single time you take an onion ring?

Hey, it's a slippery slope, my friend.

Today it's an onion ring, tomorrow I'm knocking over a boat dealership.

It's hard, because my relationship with Bonnie is so complicated.

In some ways she's like a sister, in others she's like a parent.

You know, when my dad k*lled my mom, my...

- [timer dings]

- Oh, well, back to work.

Uh, y-y...

Tammy, you can finish your thought.

Nope, a boundary's a boundary.

I got to go change the urinal cakes.

Well, Gus, I suppose you're happy this business didn't work out.

You've had your eye on this room all along.

Any reason you need pens?

Went a little crazy at Staples.

Chair, I'm gonna miss you most of all.

Hey, there.

Maybe if I spin the other way she'll disappear.

I just thought you might like a sympathetic someone to listen to your troubles.

I got to start locking my front door.

You spent the entire meeting looking out the window, and even for you, it was immature.

[snotty]: Even for you, it was immature.

Guess driving over here was a waste of gas.

I know you guys think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not, I do have feelings, and Tammy hurt all of them.

She called me a scammer and a liar.

And maybe that's all I am.

But now our business is done, our friendship is done and this conversation is done.

I trust you can see yourself out, since you broke in in the first place?

Good day.

Damn it, this chair is too good.

I think you lied because, most of your life, that was necessary for survival.

That level of hustle served you for a long time.

As an abandoned child, as a single mom, but it's not serving you anymore.

It's actually getting in your way.

But it does serve me.

I got us a great job.

You know, we're not up against sober, rigorously honest contractors.

If we didn't play as dirty as everyone else, we'd never get anywhere.

Oh, that is a crock of you-know-what.

You didn't even try to do it differently.

You went straight to your old ways.

Oh, Bonnie, you don't need to trick anybody into wanting to work with you.

You're perfectly capable of landing jobs with integrity, because you are a smart, talented badass who...

And I'm not being sarcastic...

Is great with people.

Okay, you can stay.

[thudding]

[grunts]

[knocking on door]

- Who is it?

- It's Tammy.

When did you start locking your front door?

Just something I'm trying.

Can you open it?

I'm not punishing you, but no.

All right, well, I guess I'll start.

I don't like fighting with you.

Nobody does.

I'm very good at it.

[grunts]

[panting]: You know what?

I don't like fighting with you, either.

Look...

you're the best friend I've ever had, and I put you in a position where you had to lie, and that wasn't fair.

Bottom line, our friendship is worth more to me than anything, and I'm sorry I jeopardized that.

I...

I love you.

[panting]

- I love you, too.

- Aah!

Uh...

[laughs]

I came in through the back door.

You know, most burglars will think of that.

Here, you grab the top, I'll grab the wheels.

- Great...

[grunts]

- I got...

[grunts]

Geez.

Ah...

[sighs]

- We do work well together.

- [laughs]

I...

I'm sorry I screwed everything up.

I'm willing to try again, but we have to have some ground rules.

Sure.

Okay, rule number one: don't lie.

Number two...

No, there's just the one.

All right, here's mine.

Hug me.

[laughs softly]

And never sit in my chair again.

And being dishonest was all me.

Keep going.

We did not start this business years ago.

In fact, at that time, Tammy was in prison and I was drunk

- somewhere in South America.

- Too much.

Too much.

God, you really have me dancing on a wire here.

So, what do you think?

We good?

I don't know.

I mean, once trust is broken, it's really hard to get it back.

I'll throw in a free skylight.

And I'll take your mother-in-law to a two-hour lunch once a week until this project's finished.

Four hours twice a week, and you have a deal.

- Done.

- Wait, did you say prison?

No.

- Pass the ketchup, partner.

- You got it, partner.

I told you they'd work it out.

How's your soup, Lillian?

Carnegie Deli it's not.

I don't know, I like her.

- Anybody save room for dessert?

- Mmm.

I'll take a hot fudge sundae.

You told me if you tried to order sugar,

- I should say no.

- Oh, that's over.

Okay, but I'm not giving the $ back.

Anybody else?

- Spoons all around.

- Like hell.

Bring them their own.

I thought you were feeling great.

Oh!

Never better.

But an unfortunate side effect is I've lost five pounds, and it all came from the balcony.

So, welcome back, sugar.

[chuckles]

Smart.

A solid rack will get you married.

Will you be my mom?