Things were the same around here.
Dr. Kelso was retired.
No.
But he had also won
free muffins for life
so he still came
to the hospital every day.
- Good morning, people!
- Hi, Bob!
Hey, Anderson.
Before I retired, we never got
to have our heart-to-heart.
I'm not really
a touchy-feely type but...
Well, hell, I'll just say it.
You're a jackass.
As usual, Turk and I
were working our asses off.
Oh, man. You and Izzy are here.
Come on, to watch...
Oh, nice, it's already on.
...Sesame Street!
It's a good one.
The letter is J.
And Dr. Cox was once again
torturing the new interns.
Before we start rounds today,
who watches Deal Or No Deal?
Get out!
And you. Legally Blonde.
Name the three possible causes
of this patient's hematemesis.
Peptic ulcer disease,
oesophageal varices, or...
Zollinger Ellison syndrom?
- That's actually correct.
- Yes!
And if you're wondering
why I say "actually".
You've proven to be such
a vapid helpless incompetent,
that for you to say something correct
is a wild departure from the norm,
therefore I decided
I had better pick a word
that drew attention to the fact that
it was such an extraordinary occurence,
and I--
I went ahead and chose "actually".
- Zwah!
- Who made that noise?
Oh. I did. I'm a little tired
of her chiper attitude.
So it was cool to see you just slam her.
So I just went "Zwah!".
So, if I were to ask
you a question like...
"What is the next diagnostic move
in checking for Zollinger Ellison?"
and you didn't know,
I would say "Zwah!".
Nope. Cause I know the answer.
Oesephago-gastro-duodenoscopy.
Zwah!
Good, but mark my words.
I will zwah you by the end of the day.
Now, since the rest
of your brains are so tiny,
from now on,
I will speak like a caveman.
You, bad doctors. Me, good doctor.
You, follow.
Hey, did you guys heard
they're starting to interview
for the new Chief of Medicine?
Actually, they already found someone.
That's right, knuckleheads.
There's a new chief in town!
That was a mistake.
I'll be watching you, John Dorian.
And guess what.
My eyes never close.
Mine neither.
Actually, they do. That was a lie.
I grew up on the street.
No, not the hood.
The Sesame Street.
Patient. Iron high.
Heart swollen big.
You. What make sick?
Hum, could it be hemochromatosis?
Correct. Rounds. Over.
You. Go.
Thoughts on the beard?
- I like it.
- Thank you, Perry.
Course, I'm totally in favor of
anything that covers up parts of your
face that were previously uncovered.
Yay! You hurt my feelings!
So? Which intern are
each of you guys gonna choose
this year to be your
personnal protégé/lackey?
I'm going with Katie,
because she's not a jerk anymore.
Plus, we got the same hair.
At first, I thought I was going
to mentor both Neil and Garett,
because they always
ask me to go roller blading.
Let it go, we don't have the time.
And then I thought,
why not pick a woman?
How about a little
feminine energy in my life?
You mean like the kind of energy that
seeps out of every pore in your body?
Elliot, why?
You knew that he was going to say that,
I thought that would hurt less coming from me.
Well then thank you.
Let's do this!
- Could you help me with something?
- You. Me. Help.
Of course, Dr. Dorian.
All right, Denise.
I'm going to kick your butt
with scut work for a while.
Still, I really want you
to be yourself around me.
Do you really mean that, sir?
Sir!
Loving this girl's energy.
I mean every word, young miss.
Well, buddy. You have no idea
how psyched I am to hear that.
I mean, I spent
four years in med school,
talking like this, so I wouldn't
dare thr*aten all the male teachers
who pee their pants every time
they're even near a strong woman.
Seriously, I am so happy
to be done with all that,
I could drop a doose right here.
Well, don't do that here, Denise.
Cause this is a hospital.
What in god's name just happened?
By the way,
how can you stand these scrubs?
Mine are so far up my butt right now,
I can taste them in my throat.
You don't have to be yourself
all the time, just some of the time.
It's Ed?
Sometimes, I go by Big Ed.
So, Ed. After you place
a central line one that patient,
come and find me, and let me know
whether or not you k*lled him.
Big Ed.
Dr. Cox, I just wanted to tell you
I really enjoyed rounds this morning.
And I'm going to work harder
so you don't just think of me as a...
- What was it?
- A helpless vapid incompetent ass-kisser.
Actually, I don't remember
the "ass-kisser" part.
That's cause I just added it now.
It's great.
Makes it hurt more.
Great.
Katie.
- You don't have to do that.
- I know.
It's disgusting.
You're just under so much pressure,
I've been there.
- Really?
- Oh my god, my first week here,
I totally screwed my best friend, JD,
just to look good in rounds.
Well, not literally screwed.
I mean. Yes, later, we did it. But that
was for totally different reasons.
And honestly,
there's been talk to death.
But, we are dating again.
Don't tell anyone.
Got it.
- Don't bother me, I'm busy.
- I can't make any promises.
Dr. Cox! Got those
test results for you, man.
You were totally right about
that old dude in bed four.
Sy-Sy-Sy-Syphilis!
I just-- I used to be a deejay.
Sy-Sy-Sy-Syphilis!
Syphilis, syphilis,
syphilis...
Get out of here, Ed.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Come here.
Why do I hate that guy?
So, how long have you two been
dealing with the lung cancer?
Well. Jack's last cycle of chemo
was about a year ago.
And since then,
there's been no beta symptoms.
And his last chest scans
showed no new lesions, so...
Speaking of new things...
Not the time to talk
about your beard.
I'm sorry, I interrupted you.
Lesions.
Anyway, we've just been
feeling so positive
that we haven't even told
our son about the cancer yet.
Mike is only eight.
Hopefully, this is just
a minor infection right now.
Okay, we're going
to run some tests.
He needs
a new chest scan right away.
And don't let those idiots
in radiology hold you up.
Dr. Dorian, if they pull any crap,
I'll bust some heads.
She really is like having my very own Jo
from Facts of Life.
Throw her a bone,
so she knows she's growing on you.
Denise, call me JD.
Dr. Dorian is my father.
Actually, he's Mr. Dorian.
Well, was Mr. Dorian. He's dead, Jo.
He's never coming back.
You called me Jo?
You don't like that
as a new nickname?
Just a little butch.
I like banging dudes, so...
I've heard that's nice.
Seems like you'll be a host to
a variety of infectious bacteria...
- ...or even fungus.
- Plus, it's hard to look at.
I recommend it's removed immediately.
Forget it, you guys!
I'm keeping the beard.
Chicks dig on the extra fuzz.
Tell me about it.
And you've only got it on
two percent of your body.
Hey, what is up, guys?
Can somebody give me a high-four?
- Coming at you.
- No!
Four!
Grover five.
Come on buddy, let's go.
Hey, was that Dr. Turk?
Yeah, why?
Well, everyone's trying
to figure out who he is, because...
He's going to pick an intern
to do all the medical research
on a paper he's publishing.
So, did you put yourself up for that?
I'm not exactly
super confident right now.
Katie.
When I was an intern,
this oncologist asked me to assist him
with his research,
and I was too intimated.
And so I said no.
So, then he offers it
to this other girl, Gina.
And I really regretted it.
You know. At least until we found out
that he was actually watching Gina wiz
through a hole in his office wall.
But had he not been a perv,
it would still haunt me.
Which is why you're going
to go for this, okay?
Okay.
Bear claw!
So maybe you don't like him
because he freaky stoner weirdo.
No, surprisingly that tickles me.
- Did he say "Back in the day"?
- No.
- Did he say "Back in the dizz-ay"?
- No.
- Did he call you Dr. C?
- He did, but I liked it.
- Does he like Hugh Jackman?
- Wrong again. You suck at this.
Perhaps, the problem lies within.
By creating false hatred for others,
you don't have to face the fact
that you really hate yourself.
Where did you get that,
psychobabble?
From some skank at the mall.
I chill at the food court
on the weekend.
Donnie, I'm out.
Want one?
I got pull here.
Donnie!
Hey, what are you guys looking at?
Oh, my god!
Is it a picture of a poo?
No, that's not just any poo, Elliott.
That's Izzy's first poo in the potty.
I can't take my eyes off it.
It's gorgeous.
Oh, I accidently hit "Send".
They're back.
Jack's are bigger.
Just found my new screensaver.
They're back.
My bad.
Thank you.
Anyway, Turk. My intern Katie
could really use a boost.
Would you do me a favor and consider
her for the paper that you're doing?
Sure, no problem.
Oh! Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
My god, look at these.
The owner of those lungs
is going to die like... yesterday.
It's Mr Fremont, patient of mine.
His son's eight years old.
Sorry, buddy.
Got to go tell Denise.
As a doctor, you can spend as much
time and energy on your interns
as you do on your patients.
Whether you're frustated by them...
Well, I finished
my double hot chocolate,
and I'm going to head up.
Do you guys need anything else?
No, thank you.
All right.
No, it is not just me.
He is hateful.
Or rooting for them.
Okay, I want to thank
everyone who applied.
Unfortunately,
I can only pick one. So...
Ed, congratulations!
Oh, sorry, man. I'm listening to
Da Vinci Code on audio book.
It's-- it's riveting.
Damn it.
No way!
That was that guy?
For me, I was just hoping to figure out
a way how to tell Denise
that the first patient we were
treating together was going to die.
Listen, Jo.
Mr. Fremont's scan came back.
And, his lungs
are covered in lesions.
He doesn't have a lot a time.
I was glad I was here because I knew
it would be hard for her to deal with.
Huh. Sucks to be him.
Or not.
I think I see what the problem is.
You have a hand inside of you.
That explains so many things.
Dude, been having fantasies
about muppets all day too?
No, I'm straight.
That's just uncalled-for.
I'm freaked out.
I told my intern Jo our patient
was dying, she barely even reacted.
That sucks.
I cannot believe
that Turk didn't pick you.
Ooh, I'll just have
to withhold sex from him.
I mean, not me, personnally.
But I'm best friend with his wife,
and if I ask her to,
she will get him all worked up,
and then say "That was for Elliott."
And then just roll over and go to sleep.
I never really had a sh*t anyway.
I mean, surgery is such a boys club.
I don't know about that.
I-just-pulled-your-pants-down-five.
Maybe you're right.
No sex for Turk tonight.
Done.
- Back to this intern that I hate...
- No!
I don't want to play
"Why do I hate this intern?" game.
It's no fun, nobody ever wins.
Fine. I need to find somebody a little
more qualified to talk about hate anyway.
Look, you and I are alike
in a lot of ways.
We both harbor an internal stuggle
between the desire to do good,
and the urge
to become a master criminal.
- We don't
- We do.
You hate people,
and I hate people.
What nobody gets is that
we never hate indiscriminately.
That is so true.
I only hate those that have wronged me.
Like if they stole my stuff,
or put a penny in a door.
Or... that guy.
See this look he sh*t us,
like he's so much better than we are.
Plus, he's only , and earlier I heard
him use the phrase "Back in the day".
Well, he's dug his own grave,
hasn't he? Let's do this.
Go.
- He's even worse than the other guy.
- Go get him too.
All right, Denise. Here's the deal.
We have to tell Mrs. Fremont that
her husband doesn't have much longer.
She's going to want us to do
whatever we can to keep him alive.
But we both know that put him
on a respirator is just going to
prolong the inevitable and
eventually cause him more pain.
So, I'm going to tell her
the initial bad news.
And then, I want you to come in and
secure the "Do Not Resuscitate" order.
Okay, JD.
You're going to make her get the DNR?
An intern shouldn't have to convince
a wife to let her husband die.
She's got to learn
how to show some compassion.
I'm throwing her in
at the deep end.
There's got to be
a better way to teach that.
Elmo would love to help.
Denise, could you
come here for a second?
You be the patient,
and I'll be the doctor.
How's this?
Don't worry, buddy.
I'm going to take care of you.
Elmo knows that together,
we can get through this.
And... Scene.
I get it know.
Oh yeah!
She gets it, she gets it!
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby, yeah baby!
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay, easy buddy.
What, she's your woman?
What is Elmo? A seal?
- Turk, I'm so mad at you.
- Yeah, I know.
Carla dragged me to the
on-call room, stripped butt naked,
did a little belly dance,
and then said "This is for Elliot".
Then took a nap!
What the hell did I did to you?
You're a sexist.
Keep moving, Rhonda!
You ain't moving fast enough, Rhonda!
Admit it. Katie never had a chance
with you because she's a girl.
- That's ridiculous.
- Really? Besides me...
Can you even name one other girl
that you're friends with?
Carla, and a lovely woman
by the name of Margaret.
Carla is your wife,
and Margaret's your mother!
Elliott, don't talk
about my momma!
Allright, I will
punch you in the head!
Turk, I was Katie once.
I mean, I know what it feels like
to get past over
because you're not one of the boys.
Okay, fine. I should
have given Katie a chance.
Guess what?
Ed's going to let me take his spot.
I didn't want to do it anyway.
The only reason I signed up was
I have this three-way pen,
and I wanted to write my name
in three different colors.
Dude, that's why I picked you.
- Looks cool, right?
- It looks so cool.
So Katie gets to do it?
Fine!
Blow it up, girl!
That's it.
I know why I hate him.
Way to go.
Want to borrow my plunger?
Form a perfect seal
around his mouth, and then...
Three times, and...
His Adam's apple pops right out.
Theoretically.
Mrs. Fremont.
Your husband doesn't
have a minor infection.
It's the cancer.
His body is basically shutting down.
He's dying?
I'm sorry.
No. No, he's been
doing so well. No.
It's not time yet. There must
be something that you can do.
Well, we can make him confortable.
But, by the end of the night,
he won't be able to breath on his own.
So, you'll put him on a machine.
I'm not sure you want to do that.
Why?
Why wouldn't I want to do that?
Why wouldn't I want to do
anything I can to keep him alive?
This was going to be rough on Denise,
but I knew it was something
she had to get through
to become
a more compassionate doctor.
Look.
Here's the deal.
If you make us intubate him,
we're probably also going to have
to shove a catheter in his lungs.
And that sort of thing usually leads
to an infection, and antibiotics,
and then, before you know it,
his kidneys are toast.
So, even with all our
poking and proding,
we're still not going to
slow down his cancer.
So, you'll finally sign the DNR.
But, by then, he would have suffer
way more than he needed to, because...
You were just
too selfish to let him go.
The real Jo never
would have done that.
- Hey, skank!
- What up, skank?
It's all good, skank!
We like to call each other "skank".
Okay, I know
I was a little bit sexist earlier.
But, don't you also think
Katie might have been playing you
a little so she could get ahead?
Turk, she wasn't even going to sign up
to help you with your
stupid paper until I told her to.
That's funny, because
I went back and checked.
And Katie was the
first intern to sign the sheet.
See. It's her name right there.
Above Ed's.
Skank!
Time to go.
Donnie, I need a way-homer.
See you tomorrow, everybody.
Goodbye Bob!
Syphilis!
You zwah'd the hell out of me,
Dr. Cox. It's like you promised.
See, I've seen a lot of
crazy things in my life.
But trust me, I've never seen
an intern with the time to just
hang out in a coffee shop. And it wasn't
until you gave up that research paper,
that I finally realized why I hate you.
You're lazy.
Am I not doing
as well as the other interns?
You are doing better than most.
I don't know, I'm fine with
better than most.
But if that's not being the case,
let me know.
Believe me, I will.
Thanks, Dr. C.
I always knew this day would come.
How can I still not be ready?
Nobody ever is.
What should I do know?
You should go pick up your son.
We'll do our best to wake him up
so you two can say goodbye.
And then I realized why I'd thought
about Sesame Street all day.
In a way, you can learn everything you
need to know from watching it as a kid.
Like, always play nice.
Oh please. I've got Dr. Reid
wrapped around my finger.
I'm going to be fine around here.
Always try your hardest.
Hey, do you go to the
hematology lecture tonight?
No, can't do, other Indian guy.
'Bout to go get me some pizza!
And even...
It's okay to cry.
Yeah, you were right.
He didn't last long at all.
Didn't expect the waterworks.
See you tomorrow.
It's going to be a long year.
By then, he would have suffer
way more than he needed to, because...
You were just
too selfish to let him go.
I'll let you think about it.
The real Jo never
would have done that.
What she was tring to say is...
You take the good, you take the bad,
and when you take them both,
There you have the facts of life.