08x09 - My Absence

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Scrubs". Aired: October 2001 to March 2010.*
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A doctor works at a hospital with unpredictable staffers and patients.
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08x09 - My Absence

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello. If it's all right
with everyone,

I'd like to begin this morning's
rounds with a joke. Denise.

Mm, I don't really have one.

No, I meant that you
were the joke.


Oh... Good one.

Thanks. I thought of it
this morning

While I was watching you
try to jam a catheter

Into mr. Hazleton.
Yeah, he was a screamer.

(laughs) aah, aah!

What's your name?

I'm sonia, but everybody
calls me sunny.

Is it because of your haunting
resemblance to sonny bono?

Who's that?

Moving on
to our next patient.

Mr. Francone has been in a coma
for well over a year.

His organs are starting
to fail,

And he probably won't be
with us very much longer.

The most important thing
to remember

During his final hours
here on earth is

Do not ever come to me
and ask me questions


About how to treat him.

He's a potato.

If you do, my answer
will always be the same--

Sour cream, chives,

And if I haven't had
any protein that day,

Maybe just a sprinkling
of some of those bacon bits.

Oh, my god.
His hand--it--it moved.

Kidding.

(whispers)
the man's a potato.

Um, dr. Reid, no offense,
but have you been drinking?

Oh, no. I read that shampooing
with beer is good for your hair.

So I'm all sudsed up
in the shower this morning,

And the hot water dies, so now
I've gotta spend the entire day

Smelling like a brewery,
because there is no way

That I'm going to rinse off
with ice water.

You see, this dress
only works without a bra,

So if I get cold, it looks
like I'm smuggling candy corns.

Hi, peggy,
this is dr. Mahoney.

She's gonna help me
take care of you.
What's that smell?

It's my hair, okay? Peggy's got
a touch of pneumonia,

But she's gonna pull through.
I wish my husband was here.

He passed away
several months ago.
That sucks.

It totally sucks.

We were together
for years.

I'm sorry, peggy.
Is it cold in here?

'cause it just feels
a little freezing.

Um, I'm just gonna
go get a sweatshirt.

I don't know. Just hearing

About how much that old patient
missed her husband

Made me think of you.

Aw. And a deep, wet
tongue kiss right back at you.

(makes kissing sound)

Is that j.D.?
No, it's my dad.

Of course it was j.D.
Oh, that's good.

That old broad
and her dead husband

Got my engine revving, too.
I need some action.

Luckily, cheeseburger day
at the caf

Really brings out
the fatties.
Denise likes the big fellas.

Oh, check out the ripples
on that gentleman.


Ooh, it's like somebody
threw a boulder in a pond.

Fat dudes rule.
They never expect commitment,

And they try so hard
in the sack.


Plus, they're just so grateful
afterwards.

Mm. Well, I'm just gonna
put this out here for bait

And see what ambles
out of the forest.
Gooch!

I forgot to tell you,
I have a girlfriend now.

Stephanie gooch,

This is elliott,

And this is some girl
who digs fat guys.

Come on, gooch, there's, like,
other people you haven't met

Who don't believe you exist.

Hey, miguel!
This is the girlfriend,

And she is real.

In yo' face!

Baby, baby, baby, baby,

I was pulling
some dude's spleen out today,

And check it--
blood splashed on my scrubs.

It looks like a tiger!
(growls)

Why is that rt
a different color?
I might've used chocolate
pudding to do the tail.

That's awesome, turk, but, um,
I have to tell you something.
What's up?

I'm pregnant.
What? I knew it!

'cause these past
couple of months,

Your butt's
been like... Pow!
It's only been two weeks.

Baby, this is g news,

And I want to talk to you
about it. I do.

First, I gotta go
to the bathroom.
It's too soon,
so don't tell anyone.

Why would you even think
I would do something like that?

J.D.! I've got news!

J.D.! Where are you, friend?

(shoes squeaking)

You seen j.D.?

No, I have not.
Would you like to know why?

He isn't coming in today.

He's on a mini vacation,
and it isn't just today.

He's not coming in tomorrow,

Which, by the way,
is my day off, but not anymore.

I am coming in early
and I'm staying late,

Emprano y me iré tarde
because life is
too darn short

To spend the day bonding
with my family

When I could be roaming
the halls of this hospital

Without the possibility
of running

Into that bearded hug monster
you call a best friend.

Sorry I took so long, honey.
The line was long.


Uh-huh.
How'd j.D. Take the news?

He's not here today.

(groans) I can't believe you.

Yeah, right, like you weren't
just telling elliott.

Well, I wasn't,
because when I say something

Is between us as a couple,
it stays between us.

I'm sorry.

(pager beeps)

I gotta go.
Congratulations.

Mwah! All right?

(both squealing)

(squealing stops)

Had the--
the test result--
intern. Yeah.

Uh, the bleeding
and the, um, you know--
I know, I know, yeah.

(both cheering and laughing)

(lazlo bane) ♪ I can't do this
all on my own ♪

♪ no, I know ♪

♪ I'm no superman ♪



You told elliott and got
that huge, excited reaction.

I deserve to get that
from someone, too.
One person.

One person, thank you.
(laughs)

Hey, elliot, let me tell j.D.
About the baby.
Already did it.

(cell phone beeps)
(j.D.) so, anyway, tell turk
that's great news

About his baby.
That's it?

Elliot, why would you put me
on speaker without telling me?

Turk, I'm so excited for you!
Too little, too late,
buddy!

Turk!
I don't wanna talk
to you, j.D.!

Turk!
No.

Turk!
Not here.

Elliot,
is turk still there?

Everybody's having babies.

It's getting a little boring.
Dude!

Elliot, take me off speaker!

(beeping)
I'm trying!
Stupid technology!

See you soon.
Dr. Cox, two quick things.

First off, I looked up
a picture of sonny bono,

And my feelings
are very, very hurt.
Noted.

Apology accepted. Second, I know
we're aren't supposed to ask you

About mr. Francone--
huh?

The potato.
Right.

See, the thing is, his sister
just called from london,

And she was hoping we could keep
mr. Francone--the potato--
oh.

Alive until she got here.
Can you please help?

Let me see his chart.
I'll tell you what to do first.

Go ahead
and write this down.
Okay.

Wrap him in foil and poke holes
in him with a fork

So he cooks
all the way through.
Come on.

Sunshine, I have neither
the inclination or the time

To care about people
who I cannot help.

If you're looking for someone
whose heartstrings you can tug,

Well... There's your gal.

She cares. In fact,
it's her only real fault.

Look at her over there.
She's caring right now.

Go! Go, go, go, go.

Actually, yeah,
dr. Cox is here.

(j.D.) god help me.
I could sense it.

Put me in his pocket.
J.D., I'm--

Elliot, please. I want this.
(sighs)

(groans) I miss my boyfriend
much.

If he were here, I might
actually lick his face.

Thank you, dr. Appropriate.

Peggy, I'm gonna have
a quick chat with these two,

Okay, sweetie?

Thanks, bob.

Send peggy for an a.B.G.
And a chest c.T.,

And when you're done,
send her sputum for atypicals.

Dr. Kelso, you do realize that
you don't work here anymore.

Look, her husband
was an old friend.

Plus, I have forgotten more
about medicine

Than you t will ever know.

I don't know you,

But I assume I have you b*at
because you're blonde

And you're rolling
with dr. Reeks-of-beer.

It's my hair, okay?
Yeah, and watch the lip,
grandpa,

Because you wouldn't be
the first old man

I ever b*at up.
Ha!

I like her.
She's got girl balls.

(j.D.) ahh, I love listening
to you work.

Come on. Admit it.

You miss me
as much as I miss you.

There you go, dorian.

That's what I think of you
as a person.

I hope you enjoyed it.
Here, you.
I didn't hear it all,
but that sounded harsh.

Are you okay?
(high-pitched voice) no!

Hey, teddy, carla said
I could tell something

To just one person,
so here goes!

Carla and I are having a baby!
Oh, great.

(ted and bob murmuring)
what the hell is the matter
with you people?

Carla and I are having a baby!
No, you're having
a second baby.


It's not that big a deal.

When we had ours,
we barely told anybody.

You had a second kid?
A little girl.
You held her in your arms.

Mazel tov to you both.
Can't a brother get
at least a mazel tov?

Gooch and I are gonna hold off
on the babies.

We've only known each other
a week.

Plus, with all the cycling,

Apparently I've do
and mine don't have any tails.

They're just kinda blobs
that roll from place to place.

Oh, hey, everybody,
I'll tell you someone

Who just did have
their first baby.


Witman up in radiology!

Come on! Witman!

No! Witman's not even here!

Hey, nurse espinosa. Carla.

Look, I know
you're not working tonight,

But I was hoping
you could stay and help me

Keep my coma patient alive
until his sister gets here.

What do you say? A little coffee
and girl talk? It might be fun.
Mm.

Anay, dr. Cox said that
you were the one I should ask.

He did, did he?

Hi!
(laughs)

(groans)

So can you stay
and help me out tonight?

I'll see what I can do.
Yay!

Dial it down.
(quietly) yay.

(sighs)

You eatin' lunch?

What gave it away?

J.D. And I
usually eat lunch together.

Oh, god, here it comes.

J.D. Was sitting
in that exact chair

When we had
our third kiss.
Oh, that's very romantic.

I will try not to drillany more.

I just feel like something's
been weighing me down all day.

I mean, sure,
I was in the x-ray room

A couple of hours ago,
and when I left,

I totally forgot
to take off the lead vest,

But it's off now,
and the weight's still there.

I mean, it's not as bad,
but it's pretty bad.

(sighs) it just sucks,
you know?
I don't see how
it could get any worse.

(pager beeps)

I don't understand
how this happened.

She just went like that.

Hey, dr. Turk,
what are you working on?

Signing a death certificate
for a kid who pass--

Oh, good for you!

Hey, listen, were you
one of the people

Who didn't believe
I had a girlfriend?

Because... Bam!
There she is!

Wow. She's...
Too cute for you, ted.

Right. Spread the word.

Stephanie,
this is dr. Turk.

Hey.
How's it goin'?

It's pretty good.
I'm having a baby, you know.

Is this your first?

Why, yes, it is.

That is so awesome!
Congratulations!

That's what
I was looking for! Wow!
I wanna know everything.

Do you wanna talk
about it?

Gooch, let's go talk about it.
See, now what happened was...

Good night, dr. Cox.

Isn't carla staying
to help you out?
She id
she had things to do.

But that's okay. I know
I haven't been a doctor long,

But I'm great
at placing I.V.S,

And you know,
giving pills to people,

So I should be fine.
Huh.

(nervously) oh, good.
You're gone, too.

Peggy was a sweet old bird.

She only had pneumonia.

She and her husband
were together for years.

Sometimes in those cases,

It's not the illness
that gets you.

I mean,
your soul mate's gone,

And your body just gives up.

I actually think
it'sind of sweet.

I don't know.
If I ever get married...

And my husband dies
before me...

I'm sure that I'll have enough
going on in my own life

That I'll want
to keep on living, you know?

Well, that's just some quality
crap you're spewing there.

You've been moping around here
all day

Just because dorian's
been gone, what, hours?

And I'm guessing you didn't
hear a word I just said

Because you're looking
at your telephone

To see if he has texted you
in the last five minutes.

Did he?

Yes.

(beep)
"thinking of you."

See?

And there's the smile.

You see, you're no different
from peggy.

What are you saying,
that if j.D. d*ed,

I would just die
right afterwards?
Well, I could only hope.

But my point is,

Don't stand there
being judgmental about her

When you're no different.

(knock on door)

(mouth full)
what are you doing here?

Well, I think
the better question is,

What are you doing here?
I live here.

That's not the better question.
It's the worst question.

Why aren't you at the hospital
helping cheery, annoying intern?
I had stuff to do.

What gives you the right
to give me a hard time?

Why aren't you at the hospital
helping sunny?
Because I don't give a damn


About terminal coma patients
or interns.

I get to not give a damn because
I know that you always will.

I mean, give me a break, carla.
Tell me the last time

That you ever walked off
on a patient.
The guy's been in a coma
for a year, okay?


He's an eggplant.
Okay, first of all,
he's not an eggplant.

He's a potato.

And secondly, that's something
I would say, not you.

You used to care so much
about this stuff, remember?

What happened to you?

Oh.

It's always good to slam a door
right about now.

Hey, sunny,
how'd it go last night?

Great.
Thank god.

I mean, he crashed a few times,
but I brought him back.

I mean, really,
the only scary moment

Was when he seized while I was
injecting him with dopamine.

The needle slipped,

And I accidentally
stabbed myself with it,

But I only freaked out
for a second

Until I remembered
that comas aren't contagious.

And then
the dopamine kicked in,

Which actually made
the whole night more enjoyable,

But now I'm sort of jonesing
for another hit. Is that bad?

Let's go downstairs
and get you some juice.

Kelso's right. J.D.'s gone,
and I'm miserable.

I used to be such a strong,
independent woman,

Did you know, once, I actually
changed the oil in my car

All by myself?

Saved bucks.
Cool.

Yeah, unfortunately,
I dumped the dirty, old oil

Into a storm drain.


The department of fish
and wildlife

Fined me , bucks

And declared me
an "enemy of the ocean,"

Whatever the hell
that means.

Hey! I know I usually
write songs for kids,

But I wrote a song for you.
Do you want to hear it?
Yeah.

♪ you knocked up
your lady ♪

♪ now you're havin'
a baby ♪

♪ 'cause you're gonna be
a first-time dad ♪

♪ people used to tell you
that your life was meant to ♪

♪ procreate a family
of your own ♪

♪ then you went and did it,
'cause you finally did it ♪

♪ now you're gonna have
your own turk clone ♪

♪ there's a little baby
in your lady's soft womb ♪
uh-huh.

♪ so just sit tight an♪

♪ it's time to realize that
your life is gonna change soon ♪

♪ you'll be a dad,
first-time, first-time ♪

♪ you're a dad,
first-time, first-time ♪
ha! Whoo!

♪ and remember ♪

Whoo!

Whoo...

Did you tell her
it was our first baby?
It's not your first?

Um... It's our first
since our first.

Hey, carla,
were you one of those people

Who didn't believe
I haa girlfriend?
Not now, ted.

When izzy's
and she's trying to decide

Which one of us
she likes better,

I'm so gonna use this.

(slams clipboard)

What is your problem?
My husband's telling everybody

That I'm pregnant
with our first child.
Carla, if you're gonna
get upset

Every time your husband
does something stupid,

Then you're going to be upset
every second of every minute,

Every minute of every hour,
every hour of every day,

Every day--
stop.

I was prepared to go to century,
but that's not why I'm here.
I know. I left the poor intern
alone last night.

I can't believe I did that.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
She did a great job.

Although, once she had
a nightmare

That the coma patient
woke up and stabbed her,

She actually tied the patient
to the bed,

Which she probably shouldn't
have done, but that's on me.

So go ahead,
rub it in my face.
As much as I'm a huge fan

Of a good, old-fashioned
face rubbing,

I'm here to apologize.

(j.D.) apologize for what?
Elliot, slow down!

No. J.D., you're talking
to me.

Fine. You sound upset.
What's wrong?

(sighs) I don't wanna
get into it.

You know what I do
when I need to clear my head?

I just let my mind drift
and fantasize about stuff.

Yeah, I've noticed.

J.D.? J.D., you're fantasizing
right now, aren't you?

That's why you should
never trust a camel.

(laughs)

Hey, man, I wanted
to warn you.

Stay clear
of my girlfriend.

The gooch does not like
being lied to.
I'm pretty sure
I can handle it, ted.

Why did you lie about that
being your first kid, anyway?

'cause when carla told me
about the new baby,

I didn't get that crazy,
excited feeling I got

When I heard about izzy.

I'm an idiot.
Nah, it's just
your second kid.

Look, I don't know
if you noticed,

But I've been kinda,
like, jazzed

Cionado
about this being
my first girlfriend.

You know,
it's new and exciting.

But when she dumps me--

And believe me, it'soming
like a freight train--

I'll try to find a new gal,

And if I do, it probably won't
have that initial excitement

That the first one did.

(laughs) but that doesn't mean
it wouldn't be great,

'cause, I mean, I'd be having
a second girlfriend.

Yeah.

Does this have anything to do
with your situation?

Kinda.

Hey!
I know, we had a great ride.
Still friends?

Not you, ted!
Ooh, still alive!

So help me, if you ever make me
look like a fool again,

I'll bash your face in
with this thing

Until it is a million pieces.
Are we clear?
Crystal.

Good.

(bang)

Nope.

The gooch does not like
being lied to.

Whose room is this?

Kelso's dead friend.

Oh, yeah,
that old biddy.

You see?

I never used to say stuff
like that.

Unless it's someone I know,
and even then,

If it happens in a funny way,
like my cousin

Who, honest to god,
wafli still actually enjoy it.

I abandoned an intern

Who was just trying
to keep her patient alive

So his sister
could say good-bye.

Look, sooner or later, everybody
in this place stops caring

About hopeless, terminally ill,
brain-dead coma patients

And interns who want
to save the world.

You somehow managed
to hang on

Quite a bit longer
than the rest of us.

Carla, you are
a wonderful nurse.

You got a husband,
plus you got a kid,

Plus you got another kid
coming.

It was completely unfair of me
to expect more of you

Than anyone else
in this dump.

And brace yourself,
'cause here it comes--

I, percival ulysses cox...

Am sorry.

"ulysses"?
Shh, shh, shh.

(beeping)
(randy coleman) ♪ write your
name and put it on my cast ♪

So just call him already.
You know you want to.

No. I don't want to end up
being an old lady

Who's so dependent
on her partner

That she just croaks
right after he does.
I wish I was
emotionally healthy enough

To love someone so much
that I d*ed after they did.

I was with that dude
last night.


The only way
I'm going to die after him

Is if he had a heart att*ck
while he was on top of me.

Crap, I just turned myself on.
Rudy!

Upstairs.

God help me,
I like that crazy bitch.

I thought it would be different
this time with j.D.

I didn't think I'd let myself
get so vulnerable.

Well, that's dumb.

Relationships are
about taking a leap of faith.

That's why
it's called "jumping in."

Now dorian seems
to make you happy.

God knows why.
Isn't that enough?

♪ you found another way
to get it back instead ♪
(beeps)

(j.D.) hello?

Hey, I miss you.



I get why it wigged you out.

At the end of the day,
relationships are tricky.

(groans) please don't do

That whole philosophical,
pontificating thing.

Okay.

Fine. Go ahead.

Thanks.

Things are always different
the second time around.

You are about to be
a big sister, izzy.

Yes, you are. Huh?

You just have to remember

That even if things are changing
all around you,

Deep down
you're still the same person.
(scoffs) I guess.

Hey, carla, can I talk to you
for a second?

You know you're not supposed
to be working tonight, right?

Yeah, I know, but sunny said
the sister would be here

In about six hours, and...

I'm not ready to let g
of that part of myself yet.

You know?

Yes.

Do you want to stay
and help?

No, I do not.

Good night, ulysses.

Hi Perry!

Probably checking your pockets right now,

But I'm not there.

See, I had elliot hide me
somewhere in your office.

Now while I've got you,

I-I thought we could discuss
our relationship.

It's had some ups,
and it's had some downs.

I'm gonna start
by passing out some gold stars.

The first one goes to you
for your passion.

The next one goes to me
for my compassion.


What I think we should do

Is take passion
and compassion...
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